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to fly is to fall.

Summary:

“Are you gonna jump?” Keigo asked. His voice sounded tight and shaky even in his own ears. The boy stared at him. “It’s a yes or no question.”

The boy seemed to be thinking for a moment, before answering, “Are you gonna stop me?”

Keigo sighed, leaning his elbows on the tops of his knees and resting his head in his hands. “Do you want me to?”

Notes:

and vice versa.

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

When Keigo opened the door that led onto the roof of his apartment complex, there was already someone there. A teenage boy, probably his age. He was dressed in all black, the hood of his jacket resting on his head. Maybe they went to the same school. It was a big town. 

The boy was sitting on the edge, looking down at the busy street below. Keigo cleared his throat as he walked closer, and the boy whipped around. He had pretty eyes. Bruises on his face.

“Are you gonna jump?” Keigo asked. His voice sounded tight and shaky even in his own ears. The boy stared at him. “It’s a yes or no question.”

The boy seemed to be thinking for a moment, before answering, “Are you gonna stop me?” 

Keigo came closer to sit beside him. The boy’s entire body tensed. 

Keigo sighed, leaning his elbows on the tops of his knees and resting his head in his hands. “Do you want me to?”

The boy shrugged. “I don’t know. I mean, I want to kill myself, but-”

“But you don’t.” 

The boy sighed. Nodded. “I’m Touya.”

“Keigo. Cool name.”

Touya grimaced. “Thanks. I fucking hate it,” he said. “Why did you come up here?” 

The answer was more complicated than Keigo wanted it to be. It was hypocritical of him to expect a yes or no answer from Touya when almost every thought he had was far from black and white. They were all grey. Did he want to go to school? Maybe. Did he want to go home? Maybe. Did he want to kill himself? Maybe.

He breathed. “Have you ever thought about flying?” he asked. Touya raised an eyebrow.

“No.”

Now, they were both looking at the cars below. Keigo wondered where they were all going. Maybe one of them was a father, going to see his family after a long day at work. Maybe he’d come home, eat dinner with them, talk to his son. Ask his son how his day was. Ask his son what he liked. Ask his son if he was okay.

“I hate my dad,” Touya said suddenly. 

Keigo snorted.  “Yeah. People who like their dad don’t kill themselves.” 

Touya shrugged, shoving his hands into the pockets of his jacket. It was sort of cold. Probably because they were at the top of the city, or so it felt. “He’s a teacher,” he said, “which is funny, because he treats his actual kids like shit. The ones at school like him, though.”

Keigo scooted closer, and this time Touya only flinched a little bit. “I’m trying to fuck one of my teachers,” he said. Touya crinkled his nose in disgust, which was kind of cute.

“That’s gross,” he said. 

“Yeah. I blame it on my dad, too. Daddy issues, I guess.” 

“Don’t have sex with your teacher.”

Keigo smiled and shook his head. “It’s fine. I don’t think he’s interested.” 

Touya blinked. “‘He?’” he repeated. For a brief second. Keigo felt that familiar sinking feeling that took hold of his chest every time this subject was brought up. Before he could say anything, Touya sighed and said, “Whaddya know. Two gay boys about to throw themselves off a roof. There’s gotta be a joke in there somewhere.” 

The sinking feeling was replaced by an unfamiliar, overpowering warmth. Keigo couldn’t help the smile that it brought to his face. He bumped his shoulder into Touya’s, who laughed quietly. It had a wheeze to it. He smelled like smoke.

“I’ve always wanted to fly,” Keigo whispered. “I like birds a lot. Especially pigeons, the ones around here. They’re friendly.”

He could see Touya looking at him in his peripheral, but he didn’t look back at him. He stared down at the street. At the dad, probably on his way to see his son and be happy. They were probably happy together a lot.

“They see the world like this all the time,” he whispered. The wind was cold, but Touya was warm beside him. He was sure there was a metaphor trapped in there somewhere. 

“Did you come up here to kill yourself?” Touya asked. It was barely audible. 

That seemed to be the million dollar question of the evening. Just two boys trying to kill themselves, asking each other if they were going to kill themselves. Suicide was never supposed to be this complicated.

“Probably,” Keigo replied softly. A heavy silence followed. Carefully, shakily, Touya took a hand out of his jacket pocket and placed it on top of Keigo’s. The warmth before resurfaced in an absolutely devastating way. It felt so good that it hurt. Tears sprung to his eyes. He hadn’t actually cried in weeks.

“I don’t know,” he murmured, “I come up here sometimes. Just to see the city like this.”

Touya hummed. “I think this is the worst place on Earth,” he said.

Keigo nodded. “It’s beautiful.”

He turned to face Touya. “So, you don’t want to fly?”

Touya shook his head. “No. I want to plummet.” Keigo let out a dry laugh.

“So in a perfect world, I’m flying, and you’re falling?”

“I guess so.”

He rested his head on Touya’s shoulder. He didn’t know why. “I’ll just have to catch you, then.” The boy next to him tensed again. Maybe corny lines like that just weren’t his thing. Maybe he never wanted to see him again. Maybe-

Touya kissed the top of his head. It was Keigo’s turn to freeze up. Before he could say anything, Touya stood up. For a terrifying second, Keigo thought he was going to jump. “Give me your phone,” he said. 

Silently, Keigo unlocked his phone and handed it to him. Touya quickly typed something and handed it back. “Text me the next time you’re going to kill yourself,” he said, and then turned around and opened the door, walking back down the staircase. 

Despite the cold air, Keigo’s entire body felt hot. He looked down at the city. He looked back at the door that led downstairs. He looked back down at the city.

With a heavy, shaky breath, he stood up. One more look down at the city. He watched more cars pass by. Traffic had lightened up significantly since he first sat beside Touya. That dad was probably home by now. Maybe he and his family were watching a movie together. Maybe they were still eating dinner. Maybe he just walked through the door- maybe his son was running to give him a hug. 

Keigo stepped backwards, his feet landing on the hard concrete of the roof. He looked back at the door. 

Although his feet were planted on the ground, for the first time in his life, he felt like he could fly. 

Slowly, he approached the door. 

Without looking back at the city, he opened it.

Notes:

thank you so much for reading! i apologize for any mistakes, this isn't edited! this fic was made purely for vent purposes bc i needed to get some SHIT off my chest. i feel lighter, too.