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Ben can forget the pounding in his head when he's woken like this. He stirs to the glorious feeling of fresh stubble scraping the inside of his thighs, and the delicious familiarity of Callum's soft mouth around his cock. It's heavenly enough to make him think he's still dreaming, but other senses, slower to wake, crowd in to tell him he's anything but.
He's vaguely aware of the rhythmic rumble of a train crossing Bridge Street, the distant beep of the washing machine finishing its cycle in the kitchen below, and he realises he must have his processor in. A thrum in his head not entirely explained by champagne and whiskey makes him wonder if he fell asleep with it, too tired to care after a long day of drinking and dancing, but he knows that's unlikely. Callum will always remind him.
More likely his boyfriend connected it for him. He does that sometimes when he wakes first, knowing Ben can still panic to waking a sense down. It's better now, but there's always that nagging fear when he raises it to his ear each morning that he'll be locked back into the silence. Callum will do anything he can to take that fear away. It's who he is. It's why Ben loves him.
Callum is warm between his legs, hands stroking gentle patterns on his thighs, and he reaches down to snake a hand through his hair. He flinches but doesn't still.
"Mmm...watcha doin'?"
The sheets tent as he pulls back to speak, and the puff of warm air sends a shiver through Ben's belly and a smile creeping across his face.
"Sayin' thank you. Want me to stop?"
Callum anticipates the answer he knows is coming with a feather light kiss to Ben's tip before wrapping his lips around and sliding slowly back down.
The breath leaves Ben's body and he struggles to connect brain and mouth to croak out a coherent sentence.
"Er, that'd be a no. Thank you...ah....for what?"
Callum half giggles, half groans in frustration as he pulls his lips away again, and Ben grunts loudly, indignantly, above him at the sudden unwelcome loss.
"Just shut up for once and enjoy it will ya! Can't talk and suck at the same time!"
"Mmm....yes officer. Promise I'll come quietly."
Ben chuckles as he feels Callum's mouth quirk into a smile around him, and settles back into the pillows to relax, limbs heavy and muscles soft, still half asleep. He loves this. Early mornings wrapped up with Callum before the world comes crashing in. Hands down the best part of the day.
Callum, it seems, is in no hurry. He pulls the sheet up, tucking the cool fabric under his chin, and tries to focus on anything but the sensations he's dragging from his body with each languid stroke of his tongue, but its soft and slow and warm. It's just how Callum knows he loves it.
He forces himself to open his eyes in the hope of a distraction, desperate to make it last, but without his glasses it’s futile, he can't focus on anything. His senses are heightened by not being able to see what his boyfriend's doing, and he knows he's falling fast.
It's only a few blissful minutes later that he feels Callum dip his tongue into his slit and he knows its pointless fighting it, he's racing to the edge. He used to pride himself on his stamina with hookups, but quickly came to learn that where Callum and his sinful mouth are concerned, he has zero self control. It dawned on him months ago, during an almost religious experience with his boyfriend's tongue that it was less about stamina and more about apathy. Boredom even. Turns out sex is fucking amazing when there's feelings involved.
"Fuck, Cal. S'too good babe, so close!"
Callum hums around him and he hears him moan loud beneath the sheets, and it’s pointless trying to stay in control after that. His muscles tense and his hips lift unbidden off the mattress as he comes hard into his mouth, gripping just a little too tightly in his hair and shouting just a little too loudly. He's vaguely aware of his dad's bedroom door closing and a familiar squeak of boots on the landing outside, and he should be mortified but in reality he's too far gone to care.
Callum crawls up and emerges from under the sheet red faced and sweaty, but Ben surges forward to kiss him regardless and pull him down until he's lying on top of him, damp skin pressed to damp skin.
"I could do you for lying to an officer of the law ya know" Callum chuckles when Ben finally let's him come up for air.
"You can do me anytime you like babe"
"God Ben, what's got into you this morning?"
"You, hopef....." but Callum knows him well enough to see that one coming and clamps his hand tightly over Ben's mouth.
"Enough! Think your dad's probably already heard plenty from you for one day!"
Ben pokes his tongue out to lick the palm of Callum's hand and he releases his grip, pulling a face that feigns disgust and wiping it on Ben's chest.
"Ok, ok. But you gotta listen out for the front door going yeah, I'm not done with you yet."
Callum rolls his eyes but nods anyway, and Ben's expression morphs from cheeky grin to soft smile as he tilts his head towards him to bump noses.
"You were amazing by the way, as always.....what was that for?"
Callum leans forward to dot a kiss to the tip of Ben's nose and rolls off him, pulling his body with him until they lie facing eachother beneath the sheets.
"Just a thank you, for yesterday, stepping up for Stu. Meant a lot to me, and I'm pretty sure it meant a lot to him too. You did basically save his wedding!"
Ben shrugs in the smug self satisfied way Callum would never admit he loves, but a hint of blush spreads across his cheeks and he knows it's all a front.
"Yeah, he actually thanked me himself. I nearly passed out! Only your donut of a brother could get himself locked in his own hearse on his wedding day babe, that's all I'm saying."
"And anyway I felt kinda bad for the way his stag turned out. Felt I owed him a bit."
Callum reaches out a hand to cup Ben's cheek and snuggles closer to plant a soft kiss there. He'll never be surprised by Ben's big heart, his capacity to overlook past wrongs despite the 'kindness is a weakness' mantra of a Mitchell upbringing, but he'll never let it go unnoticed either.
"Yer just me big softie aren't ya"
"Never soft for you babe" Ben winks, and Callum rolls his eyes on reflex at the obvious deflection, but grins from ear to ear.
"Worked out ok in the end though thanks to you. Amazed you think you owed him anything though after....well....y'know."
Something deep in Callum doubts he'll ever completely forgive his brother for hurting the man he loves, and he knows the swirl of emotions that always accompany memories of Pride are written clear on his face when Ben pecks his nose with a reassuring kiss. I'm here. I'm safe. It can't hurt us now.
"I'm just proud of ya...being the bigger man."
Ben quirks an eyebrow and tilts his head to nestle his cheek into Callum's hand.
"That better not be another heightist joke Callum....or worse, cos that's really not an image of Fester I want in my head. Ugh."
"Ben, just take the compliment, yeah?"
Callum watches the rise of his chest as he takes a huge breath and sighs as if he's just come to a realisation.
"Yeah well. Me and him aren't ever gonna be best mates, but he's your brother. Weird as that feels that makes him pretty much family, and you cant choose your family...we both know that! Did it for you as much as him."
Callum smiles at that and wrinkles his nose to half wink a silent thank you, and Ben thinks he's rarely seen him so beautiful.
"Was a lovely day in the end though weren't it. I love a good wedding."
Ben's eyes widen in shock at that as he splutters into a fit of giggles "Yeah cos they've gone so well for you in the past babe!"
"Alright smartarse, but when you're with the right person, y'know....nothing better is there."
Ben hums agreement but falls silent and Callum's chest tightens a little. He'd been hoping for more than that, but he barely slept last night, thoughts swirling and heart racing, and he's having this conversation if it kills him. Depending on the outcome it just might.
He sucks in a breath and turns his face to the ceiling. He's long since learnt to read Ben's expression, but he's also learnt it's a double edged sword, and in the thick air of this morning he's not yet ready to see which way it falls.
"What that guy said....Johnny? Jimmy? The registrar bloke....."
Ben shrugs "....yeah, something like that"
"...about being married emotionally if not legally. Well that's us innit? That's how I feel about you. Maybe.....maybe we could change that one day..."
His voice sounds small in the silence of the room, quieter than he intended, as if the weight of the words themsleves had sucked the air out of them.
Callum's a believer in romantic love, always has been. He wants to give his heart completely to one person at a time, and if he's really lucky, one person ever. His near miss with Whitney hasn't changed that, and if he's honest, he can’t remember a time since he met Ben that he didn't know in his heart and in his bones that he was the one, it just took him a while to admit it.
There's been so much, so so much this year, and when Ben produced that little red box his heart had flipped in panic. But when he left it on the table and walked out he found his eyes drawn to it, imagining, fantasizing about what it could have been. What it might one day be. And then yesterday, standing next to Ben, dressed in fine suits, while the registrar spoke of a life lived in love, he couldn't help but let his thoughts drift. He knows this is what he wants. He knows who he wants it with.
"You sounding me out about marriage Mr Highway?"
He keeps his eyes fixed on the ceiling but can't resist walking the fingers of one hand across the sheets to find Ben's own, relaxing a little when he finds him squeezing back.
"Maybe. What if I am?"
Ben's silent for a beat before turning his head to Callum, and he burns in the intensity of his gaze until he feels his head turning unbidden to meet it.
"Well, if making an honest man of you'd mean getting woken up like that every day, I'm in!"
The tension dissipates and Callum can't help but be thankful for his boyfriend's sarky mouth. He chuckles and pokes Ben in the sides until he's giggling. The knot's still there inside him, and its pulling tighter, but he'll take the chance to breathe while he can.
"You'll be lucky."
Ben fights him off, eventually, and a truce is called, but the tension builds again until Callum has to speak.
"I guess what I'm saying is I dont know if it's even something you think about when...when you think about us."
Ben's calm at that, his expression open but blank as he holds eye contact, and when he blinks slowly it feels like he's waiting for more. Afraid to show his hand until all the cards have been dealt. They've been here before.
The slight tug at the corner of his mouth makes Callum think he might be toying with him, but for once he isn't sure. But this is too big. On this he needs to be sure.
"I dunno, I guess I just didn't know if you'd be the marrying type."
He huffs out a nervous laugh and Ben blinks again. Bastard.
"Too scared to ask to be honest in case we weren't on the same page.''
Nothing.
He's aware he's babbling now, and can feel the heat of the flush rising up his chest, but he's in too deep to back out now. Keep swimming or drown trying.
"Ages ago, before we even got together I overheard Jay talking to Lo about us and how you weren't the settling down type. I.....er...I.. "
Ben seems to take pity on him then, but he rolls onto his back and it seems it's his turn to stare at the ceiling. Callum's just grateful he opens his mouth at all.
"Yeah, well you know me better than that. So does Jay. You're slapped in the face every day with how ready I was to settle down. I haven't changed, not in that way. Circumstances did, but I didn't."
Callum reaches over to lift Ben's left hand, running the pad of his thumb over the ring there.
"You mean this?"
"Yeah."
Its quiet, strained, and Ben is sucking on his bottom lip the way he does when he's nervous. It used to make Callum fearful of what was to come, until the significance of it hit home. Now it makes his heart flutter. Ben's vulnerability is his alone to see.
"Never really talked about it have we."
"Never wanted to push you. Figured you'd tell me when you were ready."
They've talked about Paul, of course they have. About how they met, how Paul helped Ben in a way that only Callum could truly understand. How perhaps if Paul hadn't done that for him, he may not have had the strength or the will to do the same for Callum. They've talked about why he's no longer here. They've sat on a bench together during lockdown, metres apart but desperate to touch when Ben couldn't bear to be alone with his thoughts on the anniversary of his death. Callum's held him while he cries when a song plays that reminds him, or when a photograph long forgotten comes to light. He's a part of their relationship, but they've always avoided the most tangible evidence of him. The elephant in the room.
Callum's wanted to ask, so many times. The ring stares at him from the bedside at night, glints in the lamp light when they're curled up watching TV. It brushes over his skin when they touch, makes him moan when Ben takes him in hand and the rough edge scrapes over delicate flesh. It's always there.
Part of him thinks it's a part of Ben that he'll never know, never have a right to know. And another part, a part he hates, tells him he doesn't want to know. That a little bit of him will die if he dares to think of another man contemplating a future with Ben the way he does, and Ben wanting it too. Its irrational, he knows it is, but love is nothing if not irrational.
Ben's voice snaps him back into the room.
"Its not his ring you know. I'm only just realising it now but I should have made that clear before. It's just a ring to cover the mess they made of my finger when they burned his name off."
"Okay"
Ben swallows hard.
"But that's not to say it doesn't mean something. His name was on the ring finger of my left hand, and mine was on his. You know what that means."
Callum dips his head, reluctant to let Ben see what hearing that out loud does to him. But he'd never deny Ben the chance to talk about Paul, about anything, no matter how it makes him feel. That's love, isn't it.
Aside from Phil's frankly offensive pronouncements on the subject, Callum's never heard anyone speak of Paul with anything less than reverence. Like he was some kind of deity sent to save Ben from himself before being called back to a higher place, too good for this world. He's not surprised by that. In fact he expects nothing else. He's spent enough time around grieving friends and relatives to know that little ill is ever spoken of the dead, especially those taken so young.
It's not that he resents Paul, in fact he's grateful that he was there for Ben before he could be, but he's flesh and blood and mortal and makes mistakes that are beyond Paul now. He doesn't know how to compete with that. Doesn't know if he should. Doesn't know if he needs to. There's a lot he doesn't know.
Ben is speaking again, and it snaps him out of his thoughts.
"I thought we were forever Cal, and all that entails in terms of marriage and stuff. We had plans y'know? But looking back now I dunno. I don't know if we'd have got that far. Maybe we would. But we were so young, and our time was so short, so who knows."
Ben turns his head now as if pulling out of the past and turning to the future, and Callum instinctively throws an arm around him to hold him close.
"A lots happened since. I'm different now. But I still want the same things. Love, stability, family, the same things most people want, especially when they've never had it. Jay got it wrong. It's not that I didn't want to settle down, but Paul was a lot to live up to. It's more I didn't want to settle, so I kept away from anything that might turn serious. Until you. I couldn't stay away from you."
Callum wants to wait, to be sure he's had his say, but the words bubble in his throat and make a break for it before he can form a coherent sentence.
"So, are you saying....would you want...do you..."
"Do I see that kind of future with you?"
Callum nods, barely perceptible, chewing down on his bottom lip so hard that Ben thinks he might break the skin.
"Yeah, I'd be up for that."
He feels his heart flutter and squeeze in his chest and his eyes widen in disbelief, but this is Ben so he should expect what comes next.
"Spousal privilege n' all that. Means you'd never have to testify against me in court. Good reason as any to make us legal."
Callum sighs out in desperation, frustrated at their inability to ever have a deep and meaningful without Ben's insecurities turning up uninvited and hiding behind a veil of sarcasm.
"Ben. I was trying to be serious Why'd you have a make a joke out of everything?"
"I dont! But I don't really know why we're having this conversation, or why you're so stressed about it! You already know my feelings on marrying you one day."
"Do I?"
Callum eyebrows furrow in concentration like he's trying to access a long buried memory, and Ben rolls his eyes in consternation.
"I told you I was gonna make a Mitchell out of you.....and I will.....one day"
Callum opens his mouth to speak but finds a finger pressed firmly to his lips.
"And don’t try and make out that you don't remember. I saw it in your face then, and I see it now that you burned that particular one into your subconscious the second you heard it."
"Didn't think you meant it. Hoped ya did."
Callum pulls away a little and blushes a beautiful shade of pink as he looks up to find Ben's staring at him with a curious look of both adoration and disbelief. His voice is soft and cracking a little at the edges when he speaks.
"You know I did. Of course I did."
"I don't go telling just anyone I love em ya know."
Ben's not sure he's ever had to choose his words this carefully. Marriage is massive, it scares the hell out of him, but he's been certain for so long that it's what he wants, the kind of future he craves, with the man lying next to him.
His heart races ahead. He wants and he wants, and the prospect of forever with Callum, of making him his, can't come soon enough. But his head always pulls him back. One step at a time. He's not the easiest person to live with, he knows that. He's messy, petulant, likely to throw a diva strop when the milk runs out or the lights are left on, and Callum has barely been tested yet.
And then, at the back of his mind the little voice that he fears won't ever go away. People like you dont get to be this happy. He's too good for you. He'll realise one day and he'll be gone. Save yourself the pain.
Its quieter now. Every hurdle they clear, every block in the road they face and still wake in each others arms muffles it a little more. Ben's working on keeping that monster at bay, and right now, with Callum's life entwined with his own, he feels like he might be starting to win.
"Can you honestly say you'd wanna spend the rest of your life with me?"
Callum's voice cuts through and Ben doesn't miss a beat before he answers.
"Huh. Ain't even a question."
"You don't have to look so surprised! You're a catch babe, and this....this is good me and you...so good. I know how lucky I am."
"Paul waited for me because he knew we'd be something special. Why do you think I waited so long for you?"
Callum tilts his head at that and closes the gap between them as if nothing feels right with the world whilst there is air between their skin. He catches Ben's lip between his own and pulls him in for a soft kiss, warm and slow. A promise in physical form. Ben falls into it, sinking in the feeling of Callum's tongue sliding soft against his own, until suddenly there's cool air and space between them, and a frown furrowed on Callum's brow.
"Wait, who says I'm gonna change my name? PC Mitchell isn't exactly gonna go down well at Walford nick is it!"
Ben pouts and huffs out a breath as if stating the obvious, jabbing the tip of his finger into Callum's chest to make the point.
"Well, I ain't being a Highway! Much as I love your name, I'm not sharing a surname with your thug of a brother and his lunatic wife. No chance. And before you say it, you not changing your name isn't an option either....want all the men in London to know you're off limits dont I!"
Callum narrows his eyes and attempts a pout back, clearly deep in thought and Ben cant help but blink and shake his head at how he got this lucky.
"Then we'll have to double barrel wont we. Highway-Mitchell it is."
"Er, no....Mitchell-Highway."
Callum rolls his eyes and presses forward to dig his long fingers into Ben's sides before smoothing them over with the palm of his hands.
"Always gotta be first in line don't ya! We're not gonna agree are we so why don’t we make a deal. Whoever does the asking gets to pick the name?"
"Deal."
Ben never bets unless he's confident of the outcome, and he's pretty sure he'll win that one.
He knows he borrowed the red velvet box containing Callum's key.
It was made for something else.
Something already burning a hole in his bedside drawer.
One day.
One day soon if he has anything to do with it.