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When House Fraldarius receives news that Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd has been executed in Fhirdiad, Felix believes it not. While his father immediately begins making preparations to go to the capital in person and demand to see the crown prince’s body with his own two eyes, Felix instead justifies his certainty to himself as such: it is the Blue Sea Moon, a month that should only have the purest of blessings to give to the crown prince of Faerghus. When Felix had been younger, he had thought that the month was named after the sea north of the capital, not the star in the sky – and that the color of its water as seen from the city during sunny spring days is the same as Dimitri’s eyes. So how could Dimitri possibly die during the Blue Sea Moon?
Felix knows that it is a senseless thought.
It is with that in mind that Felix departs to the south. The most logical route out of the capital for a runaway is to use the river as a path, because it provides not only direction but also resources for survival. And almost all of the waterways in the eastern half of Faerghus are somewhere connected, so if Felix follows the river through Fraldarius, then he will eventually make his way to the point that it joins with the river that runs south from Fhirdiad, which is close to where the borders of Blaiddyd, Charon, and Galatea meet. Felix pins his hopes to the possibility that something fateful could occur at that crossroads and goes forth.
This idea is predicated by the belief that he and Dimitri still think alike in some sort of fundamental way – that in a time of crisis, when there is little time to second-guess what the next step needs to be, the two of them use the same internal logic to decide what to do. They were raised and taught similarly, especially early in their lives, so it is not absurd to think that the same line of reasoning would also lead Dimitri to use the river to guide his escape. It is therefore not proof that Dimitri might actually be dead and instead evidence of something even more painful when Felix finds no traces of him at the crucial juncture.
Among Faerghus’s noble houses, Fraldarius has the unusual circumstance of sharing strong ties with the neighboring country of Sreng. According to some legends, even the original Lady Fraldarius of the Ten Elites may have been born and raised in Sreng, and that she introduced the first flock of pegasi to Fódlan from her homeland – but these stories conflict with other historical records, with the truth lost to the passage of time.
Regardless of Fraldarius’s origins, it is verifiable that several centuries of territorial struggles between Fódlan and Sreng have changed the borders significantly over time; in the last 150 years alone, Faerghus has absorbed a significant amount of former Sreng land into Gautier and Fraldarius over the course of two separate wars and a half dozen smaller conflicts. Those who ended up in Gautier almost always migrated back into Sreng proper, but those in Fraldarius were in essence landlocked into Faerghus, so some chose instead to remain. Just as Fódlan is divided into three, Sreng also has a long history of internal struggles with their own complexities, such that some former Srengian nobles preferred to instead seek good relations with House Fraldarius than become commoners in their former rivals' territories, with several marrying into the family over the course of generations. It is said that this is why the nobles of House Fraldarius tend towards different characteristics than others from the Kingdom of Faerghus; they are known to often have beautiful dark hair, distinctively oval faces, and a lean physique. Felix himself is at least one eighth of Sreng blood, as his father’s grandmother was the daughter of former Sreng nobles.
Some remnants of Srengian culture are preserved in Fraldarius, including several holidays interspersed throughout the year and various regional superstitions regarding inauspicious behaviors. Among these local traditions is a belief that one should cut their hair after experiencing an ending, whether literal or metaphorical; for example, some students choose to grow their hair out during the course of their studies, trimming it back to its original length only upon graduation, or similarly for endeavors of comparable magnitude. A more passionate application of this tradition for one whose heart has been broken to cut their hair short. And a practice that has become so commonly accepted that it has even spread to neighboring territories is for funeral-goers to snip off a lock of their hair, to be buried with the one who has passed away. Felix recalls his older brother explaining the point of the custom as such: “It symbolizes a parting of ways. By severing a part of yourself, you show your intent to move on. It isn’t wise to let old emotions fester, after all.”
He has never found this to be a rational belief.
Feelings do not behave so conveniently, after all – if they did, then why did the Dimitri whom Felix once knew not return after their loved ones had been laid to rest, when there are locks of Dimitri’s hair in Glenn’s grave alongside Felix's own?
Felix returns home only when his father tasks him with leading a battalion of foot soldiers to Galatea as a sign of good faith in their weakest ally. The cold truth, Felix knows, is that there is nothing worth defending in Galatea, and Cornelia’s Imperialist forces will instead focus their attention on pushing at the border between Blaiddyd and Fraldarius. Felix assumes his father must believe it is a mercy to send their newest recruits to Galatea, where they will not see conflict and instead rush through their training so that they might rejoin their seniors slightly better equipped for the harshness of war. For his part, though, Felix thinks it is a cruelty that they are being consigned away from their families and friends at precisely the time when they should want nothing more than to protect their loved ones.
He is supposed to stay in Galatea for several days and oversee the battalion’s transition before returning home again, but Felix instead goes with them as far as to the border, then appoints one of them to lead the battalion the rest of the way. As the soldiers continue their march, Felix ascends the ruins of Conand Tower and watches them until they safely cross into Galatea territory, tells himself that his duty is done, and breaks sharply to the east towards the Tailtean Plains.
As this course of action puts him right at the heart of central Faerghus, it is an inexcusably dangerous choice for him to go there of his own free will – but if Dimitri went not south by way of escape, nor has he gone to his allies in the east to seek aid, then Felix reasons that he must have instead gone west. The Tailtean Plains is one of the only areas in Faerghus with soil fertile enough that its people can live off of the land alone, and the royal family is especially beloved by the villagers who farm the plains; if the crown prince should directly request their aid and discretion, then Felix is certain that they would give both without hesitation. House Blaiddyd has a second residence there, and Felix has vivid memories of the summers he has spent there with his family alongside Dimitri’s – he recalls running through the fields together, the sweet smell of wheat all around, and everything golden-hued in his eyes – Felix decides to go there before returning to Fraldarius.
He is aware that reality often pales when compared to remembrance.
Felix arrives there two days after leaving Galatea to find that most of the valuables in the house have quietly been stolen away. That the house itself has no signs of damage makes Felix want to believe that this an act of despair, not an attempt to disrespect – but Felix cannot discern whether it is because Dimitri has been through or that the nearby villagers were driven to desperation or if perhaps it was both at different times. Among the few antiques remaining is an ornate mirror frame attached to the foyer, which bears the crest of Blaiddyd at the top alongside with a golden lion motif; the mirror itself is dusty, but has not a single crack or aberration. When Felix passes by the mirror as he leaves, he makes sure not to look in its reflection, lest he sees something there that he is not prepared to acknowledge.
Felix knows – or at least, he believes – that the natural state of living things is to be in flow; that is, an existence is alive only when it is in some way either moving or changing. This is why Felix thinks at times that some fundamental part of Dimitri may already be dead, because something in his spirit still haunts the burnt lands of Duscur – Dimitri remains ever stagnant there, unmoved by both time and consequence. Felix tries to keep himself in a near-constant mindset of pursuit in part because of his repulsion towards the drag of personal inertia: he moves towards perfection in his swordsmanship, and he chases the strength to hold up the framework of his personal beliefs – but above all else, he pursues after the idea of Dimitri that he has in his mind.
In that ideal, he found Dimitri alive precisely where he expected Dimitri to be and they meet just as the rivers do, which is not a chance miracle – it is merely that the two of them shared the same thought and went to the same place. And in that ideal, when they were still students at the Officer’s Academy, Dimitri kisses him first instead of it always being Felix to initiate, Felix to escalate, and Felix to conclude. Felix knows that Dimitri was hesitant because he was scared of what he might do if he lost control of himself, but that didn’t stop it from feeling instead like Dimitri was hesitant because he didn’t desire Felix the same way that Felix does Dimitri. Besides, Felix wanted to be claimed by him – how fulfilled he would have been if Dimitri had touched Felix’s body with both fervor and confidence, so that Felix could not have doubted that Dimitri’s thoughts were anywhere but placed in the person in front of him, or that they belong to each other? In that ideal, Dimitri would understand innately that what Felix wants is for Dimitri to grab him by the wrist and hold him there when Felix begins to tremble under his touch – not for Dimitri to press a chaste kiss to his cheek and step back. Or that when Felix tilts his head back to expose his throat to Dimitri, what Felix is telling Dimitri is to put his mouth to Felix’s neck and leave his mark there – not for Dimitri to avert his eyes for shame that there is hunger in them. And in that ideal, Dimitri does not go back to the capital because Felix tells him not to and Dimitri listens to Felix, who is still in the state of flow, rather than the part of himself frozen in the past who calls him back home. But Felix did not say or do anything to stop Dimitri from returning to Fhirdiad.
In that moment, Felix had been still.
So now he chases impossible dreams across Faerghus and tells himself that it is better than regret, because at least this way he remains in flow.
During his wandering days, Felix is solitary through choice – he understands that he is far from his peers only because he has deliberately put distance between himself and others, and chosen to run around the country chasing shadows. He would like to believe that his choices are somehow different from the decision Dimitri made when he returned to Fhirdiad after Garreg Mach fell instead of going to Gautier with Sylvain and Ingrid, as the two of them had attempted to convince him was the most sensible plan. Felix suspects that he might be even more wretched than he accuses Dimitri of being, because he has been doing this same thing for years now: he hides his own emptiness in the larger void that Dimitri exerts around him so that Felix can pretend it is not there, just as he scorns the idea that the lock of Dimitri’s hair in Glenn’s grave means anything when he also willingly cut off his own hair and pretended that leaving it behind meant that he could accept Glenn’s death. That is to say, perhaps Felix is only retaining his dignity because he fears becoming a hypocrite and it is because Dimitri exists – even if as a beast or a half-ghost – that Felix can properly live as a human being, so Felix must believe Dimitri is alive as a matter of self-sustenance, and therefore he must continue searching.
Does that make any sense?
Even if it doesn’t, that does not change the reality in which Felix spends the next three months traversing along the lines of Blaiddyd’s eastern and southern borders looking for Dimitri, and occasionally helping to prevent Cornelia’s Imperialist faction from extending her influence into eastern Faerghus. He goes home only days before the first snowstorm of the year, because winter has always been Faerghus’s greatest enemy and it bears upon all undiscerningly – there will be no major movements on either end until the seasons change, as it is difficult to send information or organize soldiers quickly until the snows begin to melt. In Faerghus, winter requires constant attention even from its noble class: food stores must continuously be rationed and re-rationed, hunts and forages must be organized, and they are always one unnoticed patch of ice away from a roadside emergency. Felix throws himself into these responsibilities so that he has neither the time nor the space to think about anything else, and like that winter passes surprisingly quickly for him.
Only when the skies begin to lighten and a touch of warmth returns to the air does Felix finally have a chance to realize that he has changed since the fall of Garreg Mach: his face has finally shed the remainder of baby fat that clung precociously to his cheeks, and his hair has grown so long that the ends hang below his shoulder blades when he lets it down. When Felix looks at the full length of his hair, he notices how the ends have split and strands have tangled due to his self-neglect – and it occurs to him for the first time that perhaps the heart of all his problems is that he thinks too much and everything becomes ensnarled in the course of his contemplations.
With that in mind, Felix takes a knife to his own hair and cuts about half of it away.
The impromptu haircut is uneven, but Felix folds layers of hair into each other to hide the ends. Then he pulls the rest into a ponytail.
Thus Felix masks his lack of balance.
After it is done, his head feels much lighter. Felix decides he has relieved himself of a significant weight.
He does not consider the matter further.
Winter makes way for spring over the next two weeks. As the snow melts, news from across the continent begins to trickle in once again. There is a strange rumor that an Imperial general stationed near Gideon was murdered by way of dismemberment.
Felix decides he must dismiss it as exaggeration.
When the Blue Sea Moon comes around again, his father sends another battalion of new recruits to Galatea. This time, Felix accompanies them all the way there.
Ingrid is there to greet him upon arrival. It is the first time he has seen a friend in over a year. Felix is relieved that he feels happiness when he sees her.
She comments on how short his hair is.
He does not reply to that, but he thinks to himself: Even now it is growing back.