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When Katsuki and Izuku were young, they had nearly constant sleepovers. Probably too young for it, but Inko worked so much when Izuku's father disappeared, so it was useful. Plus it was a comfort for both of them to have somewhere else to go, and someone else to understand them. Katsuki never understood why Deku's father left, couldn't understand why they wouldn't see him again, or why anyone would leave Deku.
What he did know was that it meant there were nights that Inko and Deku stayed at their house, and he loved every minute. He loved seeing his friend even if it felt embarrassing to express the extent of his excitement. His mom would stay up late with Inko talking, and Deku would sleep in his room.
Occasionally they tried to sneak out of Katsuki's room to find snacks or to eavesdrop on their mothers, but their own whispering meant they never succeeded or heard what their mothers discussed. Somehow they always were caught, even though at the time, they never understood how their whispered arguments were heard.
They always enjoyed their sleepovers. Usually, if Katsuki woke up from a nightmare, he would have to wake up one of his parents even though he hated doing that. But with Deku there, it was so much easier to crawl into the empty space next to Izuku and hiss at him to "move over, I need room too" before invading his space.
Izuku often did the same. It was easier than waking up parents, and sometimes they'd wake up a bit to poke at each other playfully. It was a nice distraction.
Even so many years later, now in high school and long after they had stopped having sleepovers for many reasons, Katsuki will wake up from a bad dream and instinctively reach out, half-expecting Deku to be there. He likes to pretend it's for a blanket but he knows he wants to curl up with his friend. So much time has passed and so many changes have come between them, but he still thinks of Deku when he thinks of comfort.
During their first year at UA, after the second time he's captured, nightmares become so common that he wakes up regularly. He wakes up most nights with anxiety in his throat and a scream on his lips. Even if he sleeps through the night, his first instinct is to reach out for Deku. God, he feels obsessed.
He is completely miserable, and there’s nothing he can do about it.
Except maybe there is something he can do. After a particularly sleepless week, it feels like something he can do. He knows it's too early for Izuku to be asleep, and he feels desperate. They're friendly again, as much as Katsuki can manage to be friendly with anyone. He knows Deku cares about him, and there's so much history between them that it has to mean something.
Before he can regret it, he sends a simple text of "busy?" and he waits in uncomfortable silence for less than two minutes before Izuku calls him. God, what a pain. Of course he's the type to respond to a text with a phone call.
“What?” He bites out, his nerves making him lash out. “Who the fuck calls when someone texts them?”
“Is something wrong?” Deku asks, ignoring Katsuki’s jab. “You don’t usually send casual messages this late, so I saw your text and it worried me. What’s going on?”
“Shut up. Nothing's wrong,” Katsuki grumbles, even though he knows that there’s a lot wrong that he can’t seem to handle on his own. “I don’t need— I’m only— look, I just need— can you come up to my room?”
There’s a brief moment where Deku’s only response is a series of sputtering nonsense sounds. In that time, Katsuki realizes he can’t possibly sit around waiting for Deku without spiraling into panic. Not when just waiting for an answer is taking too long.
“Don’t answer that, I’ll come down to you,” he amends, before realizing that Deku might not even be in his own room. Katsuki’s heart seizes at the thought of him being with someone else, but he shoves the feeling aside. “Unless if you’re not around. It’s whatever.”
The jumble of words and thoughts Deku struggled over a moment before seem to fall away, replaced with a simple “Where else would I be? I’ll be waiting.”
Waiting. Katsuki studiously tries not to repeat the word in his head. But he hangs up without saying anything else, and it echoes in his heart while he shoves on black sweats and decides against changing out of the old tank top he’s wearing (after all, this is still about comfort). He’s still thinking about the word until the moment he knocks on Deku’s door.
Deku opens the door and lets him in, surprisingly without commentary, but he looks confused.
“Kacchan, are you sure everything’s—”
“I need to ask you—”
They both pause after beginning to speak at the same time. Katsuki scoffs but waves on Deku, who gestures right back. Katsuki retaliates by directing a rude gesture in his direction before he speaks again.
“Remember when we were little? When we had all those sleepovers?” He waits for Izuku to nod in affirmation. He looks away before pressing on. “Do you ever miss them?”
“Kacchan...” Deku’s voice is soft, and Katsuki knows that if he looked, his face would be open, surprised and endearing.
Katsuki wants to admire his face but already feels so vulnerable. Exposed. It takes all his effort not to snipe at him with bitter remarks.
“Yes, Kacchan, I do.”
Deku’s hands twitch, and he seems to absently fiddle with them. Katsuki watches, entranced, instead of looking up to meet his gaze. Can't look away from those strong, gentle hands.
“I can’t stop having—” Katsuki stops, unsure how much to reveal before he decides to go for it. He’s not supposed to be a fucking coward like he has been. “The nightmares won’t go away. Can I stay? Here?”
There’s a sharp intake of breath that finally makes Katsuki look up again. He knows he looks tired and irritable, but doesn't know what else Izuku sees there as he’s closely examined. When Deku doesn't answer quickly, Katsuki assumes it's an uncomfortable request to turn down. And he can't stand being rejected.
"I'm not gonna make you feel obligated, nerd."
He opens the door to leave, but Deku won't let him. He’s shoved into the door face-first, but he doesn’t feel hands pressing against him. He would recognize that touch. Turning his head, he catches a glimpse of black whip — wrapped around his arm, tendrils pushing against his back. It's suffocating and reassuring.
"The fuck, Deku?" He demands, frantic but also completely warm all over. There's panic in his throat, but he knows Deku, knows he's safe here, and if he keeps telling himself that, maybe he won't swallow his own tongue in fear.
"Just wait!" Deku insists, but loosens his grip. "I'm not going to turn you away, I just want you to talk to me, Kacchan! You barely tolerate physical contact most of the time. Asking for it is surprising. What is this about?"
"I don't want fucking extras touching me, that has nothing to do with you, Deku."
Katsuki regrets the words as soon as the last points of contact with black whip fall away. Despite the shortness of his breath, it was reassuring to have Deku touching him. He wants that presence back immediately. But before he can miss it for long, Deku's hands are on him, roughly turning him around.
"Don't fucking manhandle me," Katsuki grumbles, but the words lack any bite, because honestly, he enjoys it.
Deku's eyes flicker, looking almost guilty for a moment. But the look shifts into something more neutral, and he must realize that Katsuki would move if he didn't like it. Just in case, he places a hand over the one Deku has on his arm.
“The nightmares never end, okay? Every time I close my eyes I’m always choked, grabbed, smothered, restricted. When I wake up, I’m fucking five years old again and I want to reach out for you. That what you want to hear?”
Deku’s mouth drops open but he quickly snaps it shut, shaking himself a little like he can shake away the surprise. He fixes an intent look at Katsuki.
“How could you think I want to hear that? I could never want that for you. I have been trying to be here for you, but even though you came to me, you still won’t let me!”
He feels stunned silent. Doesn’t know how to respond, but it doesn’t matter. Deku has his hands on Katsuki’s wrists, moving to his elbows, biceps, shoulders, before slipping down to his sides, wrapping him in a tight hug.
Deku’s touch is such a sweet relief Katsuki could cry. There’s tiny sounds between them, sniffling and the muffled gasps of swallowed crying. He expects it to be from Deku, but it’s not. Or, if it is, it’s both of them, because he only notices his own. His own hands find their way around Izuku’s back, and there’s no way he could let go now that they’re here. It’s a long time before they gently recreate part of the distance between them.
“Can I—” Katsuki starts to ask but his voice cracks and he has to clear his voice before trying again. “You can say no, I won’t be angry. But can I stay here tonight?”
Deku’s nodding before he can even finish speaking, and wraps himself around Katsuki again. Like now that he’s started hugging him, he can’t stop. Katsuki doesn’t mind in the slightest.
“Yeah, Kacchan,” Deku whispers right in his ear. “Of course you can.”
He can’t pretend to be embarrassed as Deku guides him to his bed, even if he protests out loud. Minimally.
“I can sleep on your floor,” he grumbles halfheartedly, but doesn’t push away or make any effort to put distance between them.
“Okay, Kacchan,” Deku says sweetly. Katsuki has to bite his lip to keep from snapping at the nearly patronizing tone.
“You weren’t sleeping yet, dumbass, you don’t need to join me now.”
Katsuki hates himself for offering the opportunity to back out, to leave him alone, but he needs Deku to choose this on his own. To choose him. The small, gentle smile on Deku’s face is encouraging and Katsuki has so much hope.
“I’m exactly where I want to be,” Izuku assures him as he follows onto the bed, flinging himself near Katsuki but leaving space for Katsuki to choose contact as needed.
"Not where I want you to be," Katsuki mumbles.
He reaches out to Deku to drag him close before turning onto his side, facing away from him. He doesn't let Deku have a chance to overthink, and tugs a scarred arm over his side. "Like this."
It's easier like this. He feels wholly vulnerable, but at least he doesn't have to look at Deku. Doesn't have to see whatever judgment is on his face. Slowly, the tension in Deku's body seems to fall away, and he presses close to Katsuki.
His warmth feels like everything he's been missing for years. The home he didn't know he'd left.
Izuku's face against his neck is like a balm against his skin, even with his warm breath gently tickling at his ear. It's a comfort to hear him murmuring to himself and he pays no attention to it, comforted by the familiarity of Deku's voice until he realizes Deku isn't talking to himself.
"I missed this too, you know," Deku's saying, his words as careful and soft as the way he's holding Katsuki.
Katsuki squeezes his eyes shut, and he can’t trust himself to respond without crying. Instead he laces his fingers through the ones Deku holds to his stomach. A chill goes down his back when Deku places a featherlight kiss on the tip of his ear.
“Deku, I...” his words trail off, and he has no idea what to say, and fearing he’ll break whatever spell is keeping them together. He definitely doesn’t want Deku to find any reason to pull away.
Deku just pulls him closer, tighter, until Katsuki feels like they’re melting together. He would be happy with that, he thinks. Deku hums in his ear, sending calm through his veins.
“We can talk more in the morning, Kacchan. You wanted sleep, right?” Katsuki nods wordlessly, feeling Deku’s lips brush against his skin with the motion. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“Yeah, because it’s your room,” Katsuki mutters, but there’s no heat to it.
“I could never leave you,” Izuku whispers, more quiet and cautious than anything else he’s said tonight. “I’ve got you.”
He keeps repeating that — “I’ve got you” — over and over, and it echoes in his ears as he drifts off to sleep.
———
Katsuki does wake up in the night to yet another nightmare, feeling trapped, overwhelmed, terrified. He needs to move. There’s a weight over his middle that sends him into another wave of panic until he moves around, throwing it off only to realize that it’s Deku’s arm. The sight of him is a relief, though the anxiety in his throat doesn’t leave immediately. He watches Deku until he settles enough to recognize that his stomach is flipping in an entirely unrelated way.
Always the heavy sleeper, Deku doesn’t wake to the movement in his bed until Katsuki throws his arm off. Now he startles awake, confusion evident on his face, even in the dark, until he focuses on Katsuki.
“Oh,” he breathes out on a sigh of relief before narrowing his eyes. “Are you— are you okay? Are you leaving?”
Katsuki glares at him for the assumption until he realizes he really had jumped up to his feet in the height of his panic. Sheepish, he climbs back in. Instead of facing away again, he shoves his face into Deku’s chest, breathing in the clean smell of his clothes.
“I’m not okay,” he says, though muffled by Deku’s shirt. “Just... let me stay like this.”
Deku starts rubbing small circles in his back, an awkward and stuttering motion at first before they both grow accustomed to it and relax. Katsuki tries to focus on that instead of the swirl of racing thought and anxiety in his head. Overwhelmed by conflicting fear and comfort, he groans softly without meaning to, and Deku stops.
“I’m sorry! I’ll stop! I don’t-” The familiar, frantic scramble for an apology is just as endearing as the attempts to soothe him. Katsuki’s smile into Deku’s shoulder goes unnoticed.
“Please don’t,” he begs, his voice hoarse. “It’s nice.”
To emphasize that he’s happy like this, Katsuki throws his arms over Deku. Sliding a hand up shoulder blades, spreading out his fingers to hold onto as much of Deku as possible. Their grip on each other is equally tight, both protective and comforting.
When Katsuki is calm and close to sleep again, he feels Deku’s lips brush his forehead.
“I’m not going anywhere.” It’s so quiet it’s more of a breath than an utterance, and Katsuki decides Deku must think he’s already sleeping. It’s not the first time tonight that Deku’s has kissed some part of him, and he feels almost annoyed that he hasn’t kissed him where he wants to be, and suddenly he feels brave. He pulls his head back to look up from where he’s tucked into Deku’s chest.
The eye contact feels almost more intimate than their bodies wrapped around each other. Katsuki almost loses his nerve, but then Deku’s smiling gently and it’s easy. Easy to close the gap between them to kiss Deku’s gasping mouth. Easy to feel surrounded by love in Izuku’s embrace. Easy to lose track of time like this, and he doesn’t mind at all. He could stay like this forever.
When Deku eventually pulls away, Katsuki wants to whine at him. And maybe he does, though he can hardly hear anything over the sound of his heart racing. Katsuki’s mouth follows Deku’s for one lingering extra kiss before Deku’s out of reach again. Warm lips touch his forehead again, soft but brief.
“Sleep,” Deku reminds him. “I’m here to help you sleep, right?”
Katsuki’s heart clenches and he tries to shrink away but he’s held firmly in place.
“Fuck that. You better not be kissing me just to fucking help me sleep or I swear I’ll—” he stops, unsure what he’ll do if that’s all this is. Scream at Deku? Not talk about his emotions? Go back to pretending he hasn’t wanted to kiss Izuku for most of his life?
Deku shuffles around until they’re face to face again, and cups Katsuki’s face in the palm of his hand.
“I want to be here for you, but I’ve wanted to kiss you for years.” Deku looks away, an embarrassed flush on his cheeks. “I’m trying really hard not to be too much right now, but of course I want to be here for you. With you. By your side.”
Katsuki reaches up to touch Deku’s face, a mirror image of the hand on his own face.
“I only want to say this once, nerd, so listen closely.” He waits for Deku to nod in response. “You’re never too much for me. Ever. I’ve made you feel like that before but- but I was wrong. But you do give too much, and I won’t let you do that for my sake. I only want you right here. Next to me.”
Deku’s eyes are bright and beautiful, but Katsuki doesn’t have a chance to admire for long because it’s Izuku’s turn to surge forward to kiss him. The frantic energy between them has their kisses turning wild and open-mouthed, their hands constantly moving to touch and explore anything within reach. Neither of them are willing to pull away for a long time, too consumed by needing to convey everything they feel for each other.
When they do break apart, Izuku closes his eyes and rests his forehead on Katsuki’s, a broad smile on his face.
“You don’t know how long I’ve waited to have you like this.”
“I think I have an idea,” Katsuki says, hoping his heart won’t burst out of his chest for how hard it’s beating.
He ducks his head down under Deku’s chin to lay against his chest again. Arms wrap around him once more, and Katsuki closes his eyes, for once feeling hopeful, and grateful that he’s found a place to rest.