Chapter Text
Their relief at everything being out in the open was short lived. Over the next few weeks their attraction to each other started to take over their thoughts. When they had thought their attraction was all one-sided, ignoring it and acting professional had been doable. Now they knew it was not unrequited, both started wondering what they would be like together as a couple. Both liked the idea. Unfortunately they were each doing such a good job of hiding it again that they both thought that they were the only one considering a relationship.
They continued like this neither particularly happy but soldiering on. Each coming to realise that the need for contact, of any kind, with the other was becoming as essential as breathing. So they ended up back where they had been at the beginning of their time working together, only worse. Because this time they knew the attraction was mutual, it was torture. Each of them were convinced they were the only one pining for the other. Both unable to go back to the status quo they had achieved prior to that life changing night and morning of revelations.
Months went by and they were becoming more and more unhappy, thinking about what if. People were starting to notice. Fin kept asking Olivia if everything was alright and the complaints about Barba being grumpy were increasing. Neither were brave enough to admit their feelings. They dreaded admitting anything, afraid to get confirmation that the other had pushed their attraction down and saw their relationship as purely friendship and were happy as things were. Neither noticed how the other was acting, concentrating instead on trying to act normally.
For Olivia moving from SVU was unthinkable so was never an option. For Rafael, if moving jobs gave him the ability to have more than a friendship with Olivia then the loss of their work partnership would be worth it. Well that was what he kept thinking, then changing his mind to back in favour of the status quo. He put feelers out for jobs, but made sure that Olivia didn’t find out. He knew Olivia would never leave SVU so if anyone was going to leave it would have to be him. Even if it was only to force him to get over her.
He was in a weekly morning meeting with McCoy when at the end of it his boss went silent and sat staring at him. Not sure what was going on Rafael kept eye contact and waited for his boss to say what he was going to. Be it good or bad Rafael knew he would have little say in it.
Eventually McCoy broke eye contact and asked the weirdest question. “How is your relationship with Sergeant Benson going?”
Rafael found himself feeling like a rabbit in headlights and not entirely sure why. He quickly pulled himself together and gave an answer, “We have a good working relationship and we have become friends outside of work. We seem to be a good team.”
“Friends, you say.” McCoy said with a raised eyebrow. Which baffled Rafael.
“Yes, just...friends. Best friends.” Unfortunately for him, the first part came out as wistful.
McCoy smiled at him. He was in trouble, McCoy didn’t smile that way at people unless they had confirmed something to him. Rafael was afraid he knew what had been confirmed and he wasn’t going to like the outcome.
His apprehension must have shown as McCoy said, “Rafael, don’t start worrying. You are not in any trouble, in fact you have solved a problem of mine.”
Despite the reassurance Rafael’s worry only intensified as he asked “I have?”
“Yes, you have. You do know that I have ways of keeping an eye on my ADA’s and everyone else, don’t you.” He paused for dramatic effect. “At first I kept an eye on the two of you once I discovered there was a mutual attraction between you that even I could see. Then nothing happened and you both worked so well together and treated each other just as friends. I realised that you both were professionals and able to put your jobs first so I stopped worrying that you were going to give me a very bad headache.
He paused again before continuing, “For the last six months it has been noticed that things have changed between you. You both appear to be almost pining over each other and getting more and more unhappy. I really don’t want to break up a winning partnership, but I also don’t want to watch it crash and burn. Which I think is where you are heading.”
“What do you mean, Jack?” I may be pining, he thought, but Olivia isn’t. Where did they get that idea?
“Well...my sources say that both of you are practically mooning over each other but resolutely being as professional as possible. I have also been informed that the two of you would be ‘awesome together’ if you would allow yourselves to make the leap.”
“But… I.. how...huh”
McCoy had never seen the talented lawyer speechless before and was guiltily proud that he had been the one to do it. “Rafael, hear me out.” When Rafael closed his mouth and nodded, he continued, “As I said, you both have been doing a brilliant job of making sure you are professional at work and I appreciate your efforts. I like you Rafael, you are willing to take risks and you don’t take cases dependent on how they will affect your win/loss ratio. I know that sometimes gets you in trouble with the powers that be, but as far as I’m concerned we need someone to take on the tricky cases and I admire you for doing so. You are a good man who does his job to the best of your ability every time, unlike some, and tries to see that justice is done. I also think that you deserve to be happy, which I don’t think you are, outside of your job.”
McCoy managed not to grin at the shocked look on Rafael’s face. “So, as I said I have a problem that you can help me with. I’ve decided that, due to the steady increase in cases, we need a second EADA and I am offering you the post. You will still be able to try any of the tricky SVU cases you wish but you would also be able to pursue a relationship with Sergeant Benson as technically you won’t be their ADA. You haven’t denied my implications that you wish to have a relationship with her so I am assuming my information is correct...Is that the case?”
Rafael was a startled rabbit again, but managed to quietly say, “Yes.”
“Good. Now I realise that this doesn’t just affect you so I am giving you a week to consider it and discuss it with Sergeant Benson. Right then, that was all we needed to discuss today, so I will let you get back to work.” He then looked at Rafael more closely and said, “Forget that, take the rest of the day. You don't look like you’ll be able to concentrate after this. You don’t have anything pressing on your desk, so go home and consider my proposal. I imagine you won’t be able to discuss it with Sergeant Benson until this evening.”
“Thank you, Jack” Was all a stunned Rafael managed to say as he hurried out of Jack’s office.
His heart was racing a mile a minute. His brain was also in overdrive and seemingly having difficulty comprehending what Jack had said. He got back to his office and told Carmen to hold all calls. He sat at his desk and looked at his schedule for the rest of the day. McCoy was correct, he didn’t have court or any meetings. He also agreed with Jack, he would be unable to concentrate for the rest of the day. So he packed up his things and headed out to Carmen’s desk, “Carmen, I’m taking the rest of the day off. So you go early too if you want and it won’t come out of your holidays, I’ll make sure.”
“Thank you, Mr Barba, I’ll just finish this and then I will definitely go home.”
“See you tomorrow.” With that Rafael was away from Carmen’s desk before she could say goodbye. She wondered why he was being so impulsive, but knew she would find out soon enough.
Rafael was sitting on his couch staring at the coffee table, as the end of the meeting with McCoy played over and over in his head. His initial reaction had been elation, quickly followed by a feeling of almost dread. He was going to have to call Olivia and arrange a meeting where he would have to tell her that McCoy knew about their attraction. That must be where the dread was coming from, he decided, trying to ignore the voice saying ‘That’s not the reason.’
After a while brooding he got up and poured himself a large whiskey. Once back on the couch he picked up his phone and, before he could chicken out, called Olivia. When she answered she sounded harried so he just told her that he needed to talk about something important that had happened in his meeting with McCoy. They agreed to meet that evening at 7pm and that was it, a two minute call and he felt like his fate was sealed.
Looking at his watch he discovered that it was only 2pm. He had five hours to survive, without driving himself mad. On her part Olivia was much better off, as she was too busy to even wonder what Rafael wanted to talk about. Rafael decided that the best thing was to keep himself busy, so he started cleaning the apartment. Three hours later there was no part of the apartment that hadn’t been vacuumed, dusted or polished to gleaming. He however was a blight on all the cleanliness. A shower was definitely in order and a change of clothes.
Half an hour later he looked like he belonged in his apartment again. The only problem was that there was still well over an hour and a half to go. He texted Olivia to ask if she wanted to eat while they talked. Her reply was affirmative thinking it would be takeout. Rafael had other ideas, thinking cooking something would pass the time. Looking in the fridge he saw a couple of steaks which he had got out yesterday but not used as his mother had already eaten before she came over. So he could do the mashed potatoes with asparagus and sugar snap peas that he had planned to go with the steaks. Pleased that he now wouldn’t have to figure out what recipe to do, he got everything out of the fridge.
As he had prepped everything he mulled things over in a much calmer state than earlier. He realised that what scared him was that he didn’t know how Olivia would react. She may not want to explore a romantic relationship, if that happened he didn’t want awkwardness to ruin their friendship. He was also afraid that if they did get together they wouldn’t last, or he would do something to ruin it. It was always his fault that things went wrong, that’s what they all told him anyway. If they broke up that would most likely end their friendship. Something that he wasn’t sure was worth risking, for the chance of something more. He started to think that the status quo was the best option. The only problem was that he would have to tell her that McCoy knew about their attraction and about his attempt at playing cupid. If he didn’t McCoy was likely to allude to it and Olivia would be angry if he hadn’t told her.
Olivia had been to his building a few times and the doorman/concierge of Rafael’s building recognised her and just waved her through. As she headed upstairs she wondered what he wanted to talk about. Knocking on his door, she suddenly felt nervous. Rafael opened the door with his usual flourish and invited her in. Seeing how normal he was acting she felt silly for having felt nervous. Little did she know that he was putting on the best show of his life as tried not to show the absolute terror that had creeped up on him as he cooked.
As Olivia sat on the couch, Rafael asked, “Do you want to eat first or afterwards?”
Olivia didn’t know what they were going to talk about and wasn’t sure she would be comfortable eating if things were awkward. She was also starving hungry, so she said, “Well, I’m actually really hungry. So what takeout shall we have? I fancy Thai.”
Rafael found himself stuttering his reply, “I...huh...thought I’d...cook. You know...for a change. I…” he trailed off looking sheepishly at Olivia.
All of which puzzled Olivia and she wondered what on earth was going on. She took pity on him, ignoring the strange way he was acting. “You cooked! I thought we’d be having takeout as usual. So what are we having?”
“I have steak waiting to be cooked and mashed potato, asparagus and sugar snap peas to go with them.” He said relieved that he got that out without any problems.
“That sounds amazing. Can I have my steak medium, please.” Was her reply. “Do you need any help?”
“No, no, all I have to do is cook the steak. Everything else is in the oven keeping warm. Would you like a drink while you wait? I have tea, coffee, wine and whiskey.”
“Red?” She queried.
“Would I bother offering anything else?” He grinned, finally relaxing.
“I’ll come and get it, save you coming back out.” She said.
“Okay, come on, you know where everything is. Help yourself.” He told her as they moved into the kitchen.
Olivia got herself a glass of red and leant against the counter watching Rafael as he put the steaks in the pan.
“It never occurred to me to ask if you cooked. I guess living on takeout isn’t really a good thing.”
“My abuelita taught me. Cuban food is my specialty but I had these in the fridge so I decided they would be easiest to do.” He answered not really concentrating on the conversation.
“Your mom didn’t teach you, why not?”
“My father thought learning to cook wasn’t...manly. The one time she tried to, he stopped her and spent the next week making comments about him being worried I was queer. Which was only half right, as I’m Bi…” He stopped suddenly realising what he had just admitted to. Olivia didn’t know that, nobody knew that.
Luckily it was obvious to Olivia that the steaks were done and ignoring his obvious discomfort asked, “Where are the plates?”
On autopilot, as he moved out of the way, Rafael said, “In the oven, with the veg.”
Grabbing the oven gloves on the counter Olivia got the plates out so he could plate the steaks. Taking the bowl of mash and vegetables she headed for the dining table. She put the covered bowls on the mats laid out for them and waited for Rafael. When he hadn’t come over after a few minutes she went back to the kitchen.
She found him leaning on the counter staring at empty plates. She stood in the doorway and quietly said, “You didn’t mean to tell me that, did you?” She saw him shake his head. “Not that it comes as a surprise.” He quickly looked over at her. “When you started working with the squad there was a pool on whether you were gay or not. Your penchant for amazing suits and colourful accessories went against you. They eventually gave up as they couldn’t figure out how to find out, without asking you. Then I guess our reaction to each other blew that out of the water.”
“Were you in the pool?”
“Thought about it, but I couldn’t decide either way. They didn’t have Bi as an option.”
“Ahh.” He said looking so forlorn that she just pulled him into a hug. At first he resisted but quickly clung to her as she rubbed her hand up and down his back. When she heard him sniffle she pulled him even closer.
After a few minutes he pulled away apologising for getting so emotional and letting the food get cold. “Would you bring everything back, please.” When she returned, after taking her time, he had pulled himself together.
“We can put it all back in the oven for a while to heat it up.” He quietly said. “There’s nothing worse than hot food that isn’t hot.”
“No, there isn’t.” she agreed, whilst they put the food in the oven.
Rafael looked awkward so she said, “Come on, let’s get you a whiskey. I think you need one.”
Looking sheepish he watched her get the bottle and a glass out of the cupboard and poured a large drink for him. He accepted it gratefully and took a drink and then said, “why don’t we go sit down.”
They ended up back on the sofa, at either end again. Rafael then said, “I’m sorry about causing a scene. I was concentrating on not overcooking the steaks and...well I didn’t filter my answers.”
“Is that what you do?” She asked.
“Sort of, I guess. At this rate neither of us will have any secrets...I’m Cuban and at first I was the typically outgoing, loud and friendly, Then my father made sure that I was seen but not heard as a child. He drummed into me that my opinions, feelings or needs were unimportant and unwanted in his home. Outside of home I could be myself, especially with my friends. Then at Harvard I discovered that outgoing and friendly was not tolerated from the ‘Latino Scholarship boy’. The first year they made my life hell, so to survive I started to be what they expected of me. I kept to myself, didn’t speak until spoken to and tried not to get in their way. Unfortunately getting higher scores than them didn’t go down well either.” He paused, taking a deep breath.
“Rafael, I’m so sorry they treated you like that. That includes your father.”
“Nobody can change the past. After a while some of my less entitled classmates stopped being so obnoxious and admitted to themselves, and me, that I had every right to be at Harvard. That at least I had the required intelligence and hadn’t had to have daddy make a large donation in order to get me in. I also met Rita Calhoun and we became fast friends. After that I enjoyed my time there. I thought when I got the job with the DA’s office that I would be able to be more myself. That was when I discovered that lawyers are expected to act seriously and being Cuban was a disadvantage. So I learned to filter what I said, how I acted. Then I found a kind of persona that was confident, snarky and distracted people from my heritage and that became a sort of armour to keep me safe at work. At home I can be me but it’s become so ingrained that I am only really me with close friends and my immediate family.”
“So I don’t really know you.”
“Yes you do. Or are best friends not close friends in your book?”
“Of course, but what you just said about filtering...I…”
“I do still filter some things. We all do. I probably shouldn’t have explained it like I did. I do put on a persona at work and I am careful about what I say at work. But outside of work the only things I filter are personal things. Like my sexual orientation.” He said blushing a little.
“That makes more sense...Thank you for telling me...your trust in me is a little overwhelming.”
“Well confidences seem to be our thing lately. How about we check on the food. Come on.” Once in the kitchen they ascertained that the food was hot enough and it didn’t look like anything was ruined. They plated up and headed for the dining table again.
They didn’t talk much, they just quietly enjoyed the meal which disappeared rather quickly. Afterwards they cleared the table and put what was left in the fridge and the plates in the dishwasher.
Rafael got the wine and whiskey out, along with clean glasses. “Would you like another?” He asked.
“Needing some Dutch courage before we talk about whatever it is from your meeting with McCoy?” Olivia replied.
“Yeah, something like that. Let’s go sit down again.”
They settled in what was becoming their usual spots at either end of the couch. For a while they just sat there until Rafael started to fidget and Olivia asked him, “Are we going to talk about your meeting with McCoy?”
He looked up and nodded looking like it was the last thing he wanted to do.
“Rafa, why are you so distressed about discussing this? It has to be about work if it came up in a meeting with your boss. You’ve not been fired, have you?” Olivia started to think that must be the reason. Why else would he be so upset?
“No, Liv, I haven’t been fired.” He quickly replied.
“That’s good to hear. So tell me whatever it is because my imagination is going crazy.”
“I’m sorry. Didn’t know I was a coward, did you.”
“You’re not, Rafa. Don’t say that.” She said, a little exasperated.
“My blood pressure would probably say otherwise. My fear about discussing all this is because all I can see is disaster ahead.
“Disaster. Why?”
“It’s complicated, just discussing it will probably be a disaster. Anyway, here goes. McCoy has been told that our dynamic has changed. That we are pining over each other and that we are unhappy. He has also offered me a job that would mean a relationship would not be a problem.”
“He did?...What is the job?”
“He says that he needs a second EADA and offered me the post. I just think that the only outcomes of discussing all this are not very good ones, though I may have overthought this.”
“What do you mean?”
“Okay, here are the theoretical outcomes. No.1. If he’s right and only one of us is pining that would not end very well and put a big strain on our friendship. No.2. If we are both pining and do have a relationship, then our bad luck in love would probably end things and our friendship. No.3. If neither of us is pining then we'll both be wondering why people think we are and we'll start second guessing ourselves...I don't want to end up without you in my life."
"Wow! Talk about doom and gloom. What if he is wrong, nothing would change. I take it from the look you just gave me that you don’t think he’s wrong.”
Very quietly he said, “No.”
“Ohhh, are you pining?" As silence followed she said, "If it helps, I’ve been pining.” Olivia revealed, a little shocked at her own bravery.
“You have? But I thought you were happy with the status quo and just wanted friendship.”
"To be honest that's what I thought about you. Why are you so convinced any romantic relationship between us would end in disaster?"
"I'm not really convinced of that. As I said I just really don't want to lose you. You must admit, neither of us has a stellar record when it comes to love."
"No. But most of those were strangers who either asked us out or we asked them out. We have a great foundation of friendship to build on."
He gave her a quizzical look and said, “So you would want to try a romantic relationship if I took the EADA position?”
“Yes I would. Our friendship is so good, we can read each other’s thoughts just with a look. Fin has complained that we must be telepathic a number of times. We’ve both admitted to finding each other attractive. Going by the relationships that I’ve come across, the really good ones, the strong ones, were usually based on friendship. The only thing that you could do that would mean I couldn’t forgive you would be if you cheated on me, or hurt Noah. Neither of which I am worried about because I know the kind of man you are and you wouldn’t do either.” She stopped as she noticed the smile on her best friends face.
Rafa smiled and said, “McCoy gave us a week to think it over. You probably won’t like this, but I think we should both give it some thought for a few days and meet up again...I'm not being awkward, I just want us to be completely sure about our decisions...Neither of us wants to end up losing each other from our lives."
“I guess...that would be...sensible.” Olivia managed to get out. “You are being very cautious, which isn’t like you.”
“Well...there is a lot at stake...plus if I'm honest, I'm scared to death that I'm going to ruin everything. It's what I do, every time. Just ask my ex's. Like my father said, I'm hard to love.”
“You’re right, there is a lot at stake. So we’ll do as you suggest. It’s Wednesday today, how about you come over to my place on Saturday at 7.30pm. Noah is having a sleepover so it will just be us, no interruptions.”
“That sounds like a plan.”
“Look at the time!” Olivia blurted out after glancing at the clock. “I’d better get going.” She grabbed her things and headed for the door.
“Are you angry about me saying we should think it over? You know I don’t want to lose you, I need us to be completely certain.”
“I know. I’m not angry with you. I’m not sure what I’m feeling. Which probably means you’re right about thinking it over."
"One thing before I go. It is never just one person's fault. Unless it's due to cheating or lying, so they were blaming you to make themselves feel better. Also for the record your father was an idiot. You are very lovable... handsome, sexy and completely adorable. So stop worrying." It was then that she noticed that Rafael Barba was blushing fiercely and practically doing a bashful 'aw shucks'. It was so cute but she wasn't going to comment on it as she knew he'd be mortified if she did. "Good night, Rafa."
“Good night, Olivia.”
That Saturday found Rafael sat on Olivia’s couch, whiskey in hand, looking at her and waiting for one of them to break the silence and reveal their decisions."
It was Olivia that broke first. “I’ve thought things over and I am certain about my decision, are you?”
“Yes, I'm sure as well.” Rafael said.
“I think we should try a relationship. If...if you have made the same decision, then I think we should. As I said before I think a good friendship is the best basis for a relationship. We have an amazing friendship so I think we could have a wonderful relationship. Don’t you agree?”
“I came to the same decision... I think we should too. So you can stop trying to sell it to me, I'm already sold on the idea...So I’m getting a promotion, I guess. I just have one condition. We don’t just dive in, I get to woo you. We do this properly, okay.”
“Oohh, so I'll be wined and dined, will I. You’re a closet romantic! OMG you’re the complete opposite of the cantankerous grouch you pretend to be at work.”
“Go on, have your laugh. I thought you knew me by now.” He said
“I do. I already knew that your snarky persona wasn't the real you. But we’ve never been romantic so I didn't know that side of you.”
“okay, but you won’t be laughing when I’m using my romantic powers to woo you. You’ll be putty in my hands.”
“Confident aren’t you. I really hope you live up to your hype.”
“Don’t you worry about that. Have I ever promised what I couldn’t deliver? Just let me know when you can go on a date and I will arrange a date night worthy of you.” He countered looking smug.
“Can’t wait.” She said grinning wildly at him. “I don’t have any champagne, I should have got some.”
“Never mind, we don’t really need it. Whiskey and red wine are just as good.”
"Olivia, I think going forward, we should stop overthinking things."
"Yes you will." At his put upon look, she quickly said, "Agreed."
They celebrated by talking about everything under the sun. The only subject avoided was relationships, to stop any second guessing or backpedaling. Both felt greatly relieved that they were going to stop hiding their feelings and act on them. Eventually Rafael started to fall asleep and Olivia called an Uber for him. Finally a relationship was ahead of them, no more pining. They only had to wait until Rafael took up his new position and then happiness was, hopefully, theirs.
They were finally going to trust someone completely and do what they had rarely done before, follow their hearts.