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Tommy skirted around a group of nobles by the banquet table, keeping his head down. Despite his best efforts, one of them still saw him, and he heard the whispers start up.
“That’s Emperor Philza’s new son,” a man in flowing purple robes said in an undertone to his companions. Tommy grit his teeth and kept moving. “The street rat.”
“Do you think his countrymen worry about their ruler?” a woman asked, sipping from her glass. Tommy was so close to the refreshments, which, so far as he was concerned, were the only good things about this dumb gala. “Taking in some kid off the street? Might think his head is addled.”
“Could be a publicity thing,” another man offered. “Certainly makes him look better, after the expansion. What sort of tyrant brings children in off the streets, you know? It’s all about the PR. Very smart of him, if you ask me.” Tommy took a deep breath, and grabbed a sweet bun. Target acquired, he could leave the people shit talking him and Phil behind. He just had to move around them again.
The lady across from him snickered into her gloved hand. “Do you think a street rat is a step up or down from the monster he took in last time?”
Blood rushed to Tommy’s head, and his fists clenched, squishing the bun into a mess. Slowly, he turned a dark look on the group. “What did you just say?” he asked loudly. Several heads turned their way, and he kept his fiercest expression on his face.
The group looked at each other, the first man and woman clearly anxious, while the other two just seemed...amused, if anything. “I’m sorry?” the second man said, giving Tommy a patronizing smile.
“You just insulted my brother,” Tommy snapped. “What, did you think no one could hear you?”
“You must have misheard me,” the lady said breezily. “Why would I insult a prince?”
“You liar! You just-”
A hand fell on Tommy’s shoulder. He jumped, but relaxed slightly when he looked up to see Phil standing there, a thin smile on his face. “Everything okay, Tommy?”
“They’re being assholes!” Tommy proclaimed. A few people gasped, and shot him disapproving looks. The prissy man and woman didn’t look quite as confident now that Phil was there, but weren’t backing down. Quieter, Tommy muttered, “They said some shit about me, and they called you a tyrant, and I was just gonna leave once I got my stupid bun, ignore ‘em like you told me to, but then they called Techno a monster .”
Phil let out a sharp sigh, and then very gently ruffled Tommy’s hair. “Alright. Why don’t you grab a new bun - that one’s all squished - and go talk to Wilbur and Techno while I have a chat with Lord and Lady Mercier?”
Tommy hesitated, glancing between them. Finally, he relented, and swiped a new bun from the table. “Alright,” he said, shooting one last scowl at the pair.
While he stormed away, he overheard the lady say, “Come now, Emperor, you don’t really believe we’d say such things!” with a tinkling laugh, and it took every ounce of his self control to not spin around and scream that he was telling the truth .
He hated this stupid gala. He hated these awful diplomats and nobles, crowding around and staring at him like he was some kind of animal in a zoo. He hated that he had to wear a suit that was too tight to be comfortable and a dumb crown that made him look like he was a complete priss.
At least it was easy to find Techno, who, as an eight foot tall piglin hybrid, towered above everyone else that was present. He looked especially uncomfortable in the huge crowd. A Tommy wasn’t sure where Wilbur was, since he was much harder to spot, but it wasn’t like Phil wanted him to go talk to them for the sake of talking to them; he’d clearly just wanted to talk to the adults on his own, without a child hanging off his elbow. Even though Tommy was hardly a child, if you asked him . Not that anyone ever did ask him.
He sidled up to Techno, relieved to see that there wasn’t anyone close enough to hear them talking. “Hey.”
“Tommy,” Techno greeted him with a slight nod. “Are you, uh, having fun?”
“No, I fucking hate this,” Tommy said bluntly.
Techno nodded again, more vigorously this time. “Yeah, these things suck, big time.”
Tommy hummed in agreement, and took a bite of his food. At least that was good. “Where’s Wilbur? What’s he think of this shit?”
“Oh, he hates ‘em too,” Techno said casually.
Tommy blinked up at him, surprised. Yeah, he and Wilbur had finally started to get along, what with Wilbur taking over his sword fighting lessons, but he still didn’t know him that well. This sort of thing seemed like it’d be right up his alley. “Why?”
“People swarm him,” Techno said. “They think he’s the most approachable person in the family. I think it’s the glasses.”
That didn’t sound quite right to Tommy, but he didn’t know enough about nobles to dispute it, so he just gave a slow nod. “Weird.”
“Yeah.”
The two of them stood there silently for a bit, Tommy eating his sweet bun, Techno just staring out across the ballroom. Across the room, Tommy could see the tips of Phil’s wings above everyone’s heads, in the exact same spot he’d left him. Probably still talking to those assholes. He could only hope that Phil believed him, though he wouldn’t be shocked if they convinced him Tommy was lying. He’d gotten used to people thinking that about him, while he was on the street.
Someone was pushing through the crowds, making a beeline for them. Tommy tensed for a moment, until he saw it was just Wilbur.
“Techno,” Wilbur said far too loudly, his grin not reaching his eyes. “Hello, brother dearest! Might I stand with you for a bit?”
Techno shrugged. “Sure. They’re gonna come after you even if you’re next to me, though, you know that, right?”
“Sixteenth times the charm!” Wilbur said desperately. “Oh, hello, Tommy. Are you using Techno’s antisocial shield too?”
“His what?” Tommy made a face.
“People don’t like to talk to Techno at these sorts of things, for some reason! Can’t imagine why. The fact that he brings his sword with him to them probably doesn’t have anything to do with it, I’m sure!” Wilbur bounced up and down on his heels slightly. “Standing next to him tends to earn me about ten minutes without anyone trying to talk to me, or dance with me, or grab my arm, or anything like that.”
“Probably the glasses,” Tommy said helpfully. Wilbur gave him a completely baffled look, which only grew when Techno nodded quite seriously.
“I- I have no idea what you mean by that, so I’m just- I’m just going to ignore that,” Wilbur said decisively. “Alright. What are we talking about?”
“How much this sucks .” Tommy reached up and scratched under his crown. Wilbur was wearing his, too, something he’d complained about for several hours prior to the gala. And, of course, Techno was wearing his, but Tommy was pretty sure he’d never seen Techno without his crown. For Tommy and Wilbur, Phil had put his foot down, saying it was important they wear the crowns to formal events.
“God, it really does, doesn’t it?” Wilbur groaned. He slouched against the wall. “I swear, if I have to hear another round of chatter filled with backhanded compliments, I’m going to fucking lose it.”
Tommy nodded. “I was gonna throw a bun at a lady earlier,” he said sympathetically.
Both of his brothers turned to him with raised eyebrows. “Tommy, you didn’t, ” Wilbur said, on the verge of laughter.
“I was gonna! ” Tommy insisted. “She was being a bitch! Her and her husband both! Phil stopped me, though. Told me to skedaddle while he talked to them.” He didn’t mention that the lady had immediately started telling Phil that Tommy was lying, and he still wasn’t sure who Phil believed. That was a problem for future Tommy. Current Tommy was too busy dying of boredom to bother even worrying about that.
“Tommy, you can’t just throw buns at people!” Wilbur was nearly choking with laughter, at this point. “What even happened? ”
“She was being rude! ” Tommy insisted. “I was just gonna ignore it when she and her friends insulted me and Phil, but then she said something horrible about Technoblade , and so I- I yelled at her.”
Wilbur’s expression dropped slightly. “Ah. Well.”
“Don’t bother, Tommy,” Techno said heavily. “I’m used to it. There’s a reason people don’t talk to me at these things.”
“If we threw buns at everyone who was rude to us during these things, we’d run out of buns,” Wilbur said. His lips quirked up in a bitter smile. “Not to mention people would probably be shit-talking us for years for it.”
“I mean,” Tommy mumbled, “They’re already shit-talking us, and it’d be a lot less boring.”
“He has a point,” Techno said.
“Techno, not you too,” Wilbur snorted, shaking his head. “Honestly. Didn’t Phil say something about not starting a scene?”
“He directed that at you, not me,” Techno countered. “Didn’t you punch a duke that one time?”
“I didn’t punch him!” Wilbur spluttered. “And it was an accident! It was just- it was a push, that’s all!”
“You know, if you hadn’t pushed him, I bet there wouldn’t have been any war.” Techno’s smirk grew. “Wow, I can’t believe the expansion of the empire happened because Wilbur Soot tripped and punched a duke at a party.”
“I didn’t punch him, and that is not the reason- you are insufferable, you know that?” Wilbur shoved Techno’s side. It didn’t even slightly move him.
“Oh no, you pushed me,” Techno said. “Guess we’re at war, now.”
Tommy watched them, a bit lost. After a moment, he glanced back at the crowd. There were people watching them, talking behind their hands. Staring. Whispering .
Tommy sidled away from his brothers and worked his way over to the banquet table, looking for the sweet buns.
He was reaching out to grab one, glancing over his shoulder to look for the lady that had insulted Techno earlier, when someone came and yanked the plate away. “Tommy,” Wilbur hissed out, “What are you doing?” Techno was right behind him, looming over his shoulder awkwardly.
Tommy raised an eyebrow at Wilbur. “I’m making things more interesting,” he said, then snatched up a bun, turned, and sent it flying towards his target.
Splat!
The whole room went silent. The lady was standing stock still, bits of sweet bun icing sliding down the back of her neck. Her husband was staring at the dripping glaze, agog. After a few seconds, everyone’s eyes turned from her to where the three princes stood. Their gazes went first to Wilbur, who was holding the plate of pastries with wide eyes; then to Tommy, who was licking icing off of his fingers; and finally to Techno, who was standing over them, arms crossed, a powerful presence backing them up.
“ What the fuck, Tommy? ” Wilbur whispered, with quite a lot of feeling.
“Right, well, too late to back out now,” Techno said, just as quiet, before reaching down and also grabbing a bun. He tossed it in the air, getting a feel for the weight of it, then threw it with perfect accuracy at the horrible lady’s husband. It hit him square in the face.
The ballroom exploded into chaos.
“Yes! Anarchy!” Tommy cheered, grabbing more buns and throwing them indiscriminately.
“Anarchy!” Techno echoed joyfully.
“Fuck, I’m part of this now too, aren’t I?” Tommy heard Wilbur mutter to himself. He dropped the plate back on the table, grabbed a few buns and joined in with them. “Anarchy, apparently!”
There were buns flying everywhere. Tommy thought he might’ve caught sight of a few other young nobles getting in on the throwing, though he wasn’t sure. All he knew was that he was having a fucking great time all of a sudden, after feeling like shit all night.
People kept getting caught at the exits, too many people trying to escape, not able to all fit out the doors at once. Which made them the perfect targets, since you were guaranteed to hit someone if you aimed at the large masses.
“Oh, fuck,” Wilbur said, when there were just a handful of buns left. Tommy turned, and froze when he saw Philza, standing in the exact same place he’d been when this whole thing started, staring his sons down with a completely blank expression.
“Oh, fuck.” Tommy swallowed. Right, he was probably in trouble already. He should have waited to see what the outcome of Phil’s conversation was before going and starting a food fight. Shit. Too late now.
“Eh, we’ll live,” Techno said, once he’d also caught sight of their father. “We still have some buns left, guys. Are we committing to anarchy, or what?”
While Wilbur turned back, apparently having decided he was in for the long haul, Tommy couldn’t bring himself to move, eyes locked on Phil’s own. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Way to be princely, idiot! Phil was probably regretting taking in Tommy at all! He’d be out on the street before he could even say a word!
“Tommy. Tommy!” Wilbur repeated, over and over, breaking into Tommy’s thoughts. He blinked, and looked back at his older brother. Wilbur just raised an eyebrow, holding out a bun. “Last one. Would you like the honors?”
“Is Phil gonna kick me out?” Tommy blurted out. He snapped his mouth shut, face flushing bright red. He hadn’t meant to say that out loud.
“What?” Wilbur frowned. “Course not.”
“He looks mad.”
“I promise you he won’t be mad at you,” Wilbur said.
“You can’t promise that!” Tommy protested.
Wilbur shrugged, took a bite of the sweet bun, then turned and threw it. Tommy watched as it arched through the air, then choked on air when it hit Phil in the chest. “There,” Wilbur said, oh so casually, as though Phil’s intense gaze hadn’t just gotten ten times worse, and focused almost exclusively on Wilbur, “Now he’ll be mad at me.” He gave Tommy a smile and ruffled his hair up. Tommy pushed him off as quickly as possible, considering all of their hands were covered in icing, and he didn’t want to have to deal with that in his hair.
“You’re fucking insane,” Tommy said, even as warmth bloomed in his chest.
“Eh,” Techno said, reaching out and ruffling Tommy’s hair as well, “You get used to it.”
Tommy just stared up at the two of them, completely flabbergasted. “You’re both fucking mental! ”
Despite his words, Tommy couldn’t help but feel very, very grateful that of all the crazy people in the world, these two were the ones he got as older brothers.