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When Violan first met Cale she was anxious. She wasn’t sure how a child would react to his father remarrying. She wasn’t sure how well he’d accept her as his new mother or if he would accept her at all. And for all the pride Violan had carried herself with, with all the experience of formal and fake pleasantries she’s gotten as a director of a museum, she found herself genuinely concerned of what this child would think of her.
To say she was anxious was an understatement. Violan was scared.
For all the love and understanding between her and Deruth, Deruth was still a man who once had a wife; who had sired a child with a woman that he had loved dearly enough to marry, and willing enough to share the Henituse fortune with. Deruth—the child’s father—who still had talked about his dead wife sometimes, who shared hopes that his child with that woman, would be accepting of his new love.
Because for all the love and understanding Deruth and Violan had with each other, both of them knew that this relationship, that this marriage, would never work out if Cale wouldn’t (couldn’t) accept Violan. Violan was not blind to the silent adoration Deruth had for his son and Deruth himself wasn’t either, seeing as nights ago he’d whisper his hopes of his son loving her as a mother, of his wish of his son becoming the next count.
They were not blind.
And that’s what made Violan scared.
When she meets Cale, the child had only been seven years old. His bright red hair was screaming for attention, a physical trait that had been passed down from his mother, from the woman that Deruth once loved and married to. She sees his brown orbs and finds them desolate with emotion, yet they weren’t quite empty. He looked rather bored but with the way his eyes shifted, examining her from head-to-toe and then stopping dead to look her right in the eye. Violan knew she was being assessed. She barely heard Deruth introduce her and almost missed what Cale had said in reply.
“Congratulations on your marriage.”
And the young red-haired boy turned his back to walk up the stairs, possibly locking himself in his room. The air wasn’t as stiff or as tense as it once had been when Cale arrived, but it wasn’t relaxing when he left either. However, it was enough for Violan to release a breath she did not realize she was holding and squeezed back Deruth’s hand which held hers.
Whatever Cale had assessed within her, it had been enough. But whether it was true acceptance of her new role as the Henituse’s countess or as his step-mother, she wouldn’t know. (But Violan knows that motherhood is way ahead of her and she won’t dream of trying to replace what Deruth himself had told her was gone).
That night, Violan did not hear any cries or sobs coming from Cale’s room. She did not hear the sounds of items breaking nor any form of clanging to signify some form of violent release. She did not hear any form of silent dissent coming from Cale’s room because that night she slept in Deruth’s chambers, somehow far away enough to not hear anything.
(If the next day that Ron had given Violan very bitter tea, Deruth did not scold him. Not even Violan herself could because she herself had been afraid to find what exactly happened to Cale, for a butler such as Ron to treat his new mistress with spite.)
(Thankfully, it was a one-time thing.)
(Ron continued to serve Violan like the new countess she was, and no other servant had treated her with any sort of spite. Those who did, however, were sent out by a fiery spoiled child who seemed to find flaw with their work ethic.)
(Violan does not dream that Cale had done it for her. But she keeps it to heart regardless, because even if that didn’t entirely mean Cale accepted her as a mother, there is a slim chance that he respected her to be the new Countess.)
(Never mind the narrowness and wishful nature of her thinking. Violan would still hope.)
(Thankfully the hope wasn’t entirely intangible)
The moment Violan gave birth to Basen the Henituse Household had been in an uproar. A joyous occasion, they called it, a blessing from the heavens having delivered a healthy baby boy with no complications in both labor and birth. Violan could only cry in joy once she held her baby in her arms because this son of hers was proof of her love with Deruth and now the world could not deny their love.
Violan cried for hours, pre and post labor. She cried tears as she smiled and sung young Basen to sleep, looked at Deruth lovingly as he stayed by her side throughout that day. Never mind that she had a son before, never mind that Deruth had a son before her—Violan was a mother through and through and no one could deny her of that anymore.
(Not even the eight-year-old Cale who stood outside her door but never made himself known nor tried to enter. Not even the red-haired boy that was considered her step-son and the heir to the Count title.)
When Cale was eight-years-old, he had been strong (independent) enough to get by on his own. Not in the sense where he could carry himself out in the world (seeing as he was just a child with no source of income) but in the sense where he didn’t quite depended on his parents for anything.
(To be fair, when had Cale ever depended on his parents after his mother’s death? Where had his father been when she died? Where was his mother when he was left all alone and the only person, he could rely on was old butler Ron?)
Cale does not bear a grudge nor does he necessarily mean to alienate himself. The child merely distances himself for the sake of the new countess, for the sake of his new brother. He takes pride in his ability to stand alone because that way his father could focus on his new family.
(Then Cale heard the maids’ gossip and how Cale himself would pose danger to the newborn Basen. How there would be a fight for the title of Count and how easy it was for a cold emotionless Cale to kill his baby brother and feel no remorse.)
The eight-year-old Cale visits Basen’s room at night, where even the young babe had been left alone in his crib to sleep. Cale approaches the crib and observes his brother with curiosity, intent on engraving such a cute picturesque being (bean—Basen’s too adorable to be anything but) and finds the corners of his mouth quirking upward. Then Cale hears the door open and he whips up and turns his head to see who has come to the room. It was Ron.
Cale schools his expression, any remnants of a smile gone in a flash, but Ron could see the ears of his young master turning a shade as red as his crimson hair. Ron gives his young master a benign smile, and that seemed to serve as a que for Cale to exit his brother’s room quietly.
(And if the next day Ron heard the maids’ gossip (about Cale killing Basen and his intent to stab the babe during the night) and cornered the maids for their termination of employment, then that was that.)
(And if Cale himself had heard that gossip too and isolated himself further from his family then that was that too.)
When Basen turns four, Cale was twelve. The Henituse territory was preparing for a festival in celebration of the changing seasons and the count’s household had also been preparing for a birthday party, in light of their youngest master’s day of birth. It was a joyous occasion for everyone in the territory except for the birthday boy himself.
The cause of Basen’s unhappiness had been a myriad of things, such as the itchy clothes his caretakers wanted him to wear, the warding-off of sweets with maids and butlers alike saying “this is for later young master, you’ll get to eat this later.” But most of all, Basen’s unhappiness had stemmed from his older brother’s reluctance to get out of his room to play with him.
“Hyung-nim!” The four-year-old would shout, his little hands banging on the doors of Cale’s room. “Play with me!”
Outsiders may find the pouty expression on Basen’s face quite cute but to servants of the Henituse household, Basen’s actions had been horrendous. One maid in particular tries to rip him away from the doors but Basen begins to throw a huge fit and screams his frustration. Right before the four-year-old bursts into tears, Violan and Ron come up to him, Violan being particularly haughty when grabbing her son from the maid.
“Basen!”
“Mommy!”
Violan carries Basen to her arms and hugs him tightly. “Mommy I want hyung-nim to play with me!” Basen seems determined, eyes glassy looking as if he was on the verge of tears. His face flushed red, a clear indicator of his frustration. Violan tries to hush him but Ron interjects.
“Young master, Cale is currently sick, so he is unable to play with you.”
“That’s right Basen, Cale needs to recover and him playing won’t help him get better.” Violan says to her son, her voice sounding a bit pleading.
“Cale-hyung sick?”
“That’s right young master. He is sick.”
Apparently, that was the wrong thing to say because Basen ended up throwing a louder tantrum, one that could be heard throughout the household. Regardless of his cries however, his big brother still didn’t come out and instead, Violan had to take Basen away from Cale’s room.
By the time Basen had calmed down, it had only been a few hours till his formal birthday party, and only then did he whisper to his mother, “If hyung-nim can’t attend my party then I shouldn’t have a party.” To which Violan could only reply “okay” in fear of upsetting her youngest son further.
That night, the planned birthday celebration had been called off. The reason being skewed by servant gossip and instead morphed into Cale being at fault.
(Never mind if he had been bedridden with a high grade fever, never mind if the priest sent to heal him barely did the work. Never mind if he was crying deliriously for his mother that was now dead or for the father that wasn’t presently in the house at the time. Never mind all those things because it was Cale Henituse, heir to the Henituse territory, and the emotionless and coldhearted son that could kill his younger brother if he wanted to.)
(Never mind if Cale himself had been human enough to succumb to illness. He was spoiled and he was the first born, and apparently egocentric enough to ignore his baby brother’s cries for him to come out. Never mind that this was all just servant gossip because what else could Cale be?)
(Never mind if old butler Ron did not try to silence the rumors, for he was too busy taking care of his young master who cried for his poor dead mother.)
Violan already knows her place, has secured it from the moment she married Deruth and gave birth to both Basen and Lily. She knows that she is the Henituse Countess, a mother to two, and a step-mother to one. She knows this because it was clear from the moment Deruth and her laid together, from the moment she stepped into the house and had been greeted by Deruth’s child with another woman.
But what she does not know is Cale or what he thought about this family. What she does not know is how much she is hated, resented, accepted, and perhaps loved if the gods allowed it, because what she does not know won’t hurt her, at least for this. Violan is afraid to know, scared to ask despite knowing that Ron would tell her if she did or asking Cale directly. She is afraid because she wouldn’t know what to do with the truth, finding it too late to ask, too late to care.
Because by the time she finally finds the courage, Cale had been fourteen and Deruth had formally announced that the heir to the title of Henituse Count would be passed on to Basen not Cale.
(By the time she finds herself brave, she falters when she sees the young teen drink at the middle of the night. She finds him staring at empty space in his room as she peeked inside. By the time she tries to shut his door shut, Ron is behind her and smiling benign, and she finds her bravado fall further.)
(“Please do not worry madam. Our young master will be fine.”)
(It is only days later did she find out that the day of the announcement had been the death anniversary of Cale’s mother. And it came in the form of Deruth remembering that he had forgotten to visit the cemetery and realized too late what the date had been.)
(It had been days after where most of the servants in the Henituse Household had heard and seen their young master drink himself to a stupor, to a point where he threw a glass bottle to a maid that seemed to have passed by the hallway. Days after the rumors and gossip have spread, even all the way to the capital. Days after till Cale Henituse was officially crowned as ‘trash’ in the count’s family.)
Violan would weep if she could but she knows she has no right. So she steels herself and carries on, like the countess she is, and resolves to make it up to Cale, one way or another.
(She asks Deruth to spoil him more, to forgive his early drinking habit and to shut the traps of servants that dared blabbed what happens inside their household. Deruth not only agrees but goes beyond, ensuring that Cale gets whatever he needs and whatever he wants.)
(While that may not be enough, both Deruth and Violan know that whatever could be done was too late. And in some way, spoiling their oldest son rotten was the only way they could ask for forgiveness.)
When Lily turns six, Cale and Basen had been aged twenty and twelve respectively. While she is closer to Basen, she finds her gaze always following her eldest brother whenever she saw him. His red hair was impossible to miss and even though others (her maids in particular—but she quite frankly doesn’t understand why) find Cale scary, she never once cowered in front of her older brother.
She doesn’t really understand why Basen is labeled heir to the territory nor the rumors of why they call Cale trash. She doesn’t understand why her caretakers and nanny told her to stay away from her eldest brother, doesn’t understand why they opted to give her a room far from Cale but close to Basen. She doesn’t get why she ought to avoid Cale and doesn’t understand why for her whole life, barely saw her brother. Yet Lily is persistent, stubborn in a way Basen hadn’t been even in his younger years. She ignores all of what she had been taught and said about the Henituse eldest, and instead, focuses on befriending her eldest brother.
One night, Lily makes a bold move by staying up late and waiting for Cale to come home. When she hears the gates and the commotions downstairs, she hurries to the house’s lobby and finds a very flushed Cale, with a bottle at hand and a servant supporting him to walk. Just when she was about to go toward him, a butler holds her back, insistent she mustn’t go near Cale and even grabs hold of her arm strongly. She tries to rip herself away from the butler, stubborn and lamely saying “I want to say good night to Cale-hyung” but the butler does not bulge and grips her arm tighter.
Before anyone knows it, a bottle is thrown right at the butler’s face and he staggers back and lets go of Lily from the impact. A maid screams but Cale just coolly says, “stay away” to which all the servants respond and react instantaneously. The only one that hadn’t moved was Cale himself, the older butler that supported him, and Lily.
Cale walks forward, passing Lily, but she swears she heard her eldest whisper “good night” right before he walked up the flight of stairs.
(Lily doesn’t tell her mom or dad about the hand marks on her arm or the small exchange she had with her brother. She doesn’t tell the maids to shut up about Cale because there is no point in talking to people who are wrong—who are so wrong about her eldest brother.)
(Lily doesn’t tell anyone of the small paper and ointment left at her bedside the night after, because it had been given by Cale through Ron, as a token for her to heal from the butlers rude manhandling and perhaps served as an apology for that night.)
(Lily decides to keep it to herself because she knows that her brother is anything but what the maids say. And if they are too blind to see that, then they aren’t worth anything to her either.)
(And when Ron reports the incident to his master, Deruth, he hides nothing. He tells Deruth all the details, even noting how his young master had thrown a bottle in Lily’s defense and whispered her good night.)
(He tells Deruth of the butler’s name and the maid that screamed bloody murder, slandering the Henituse household in the process. Deruth could only agree they be taken care of and if both the maid and the butler ended up unemployed, then that was that.)
When Deruth first hears of his eldest son’s exploits (particularly buying all the bread in town and going near the man-eating tree) he thought he was going to have a heart attack. He found himself worried for whatever his son was doing because this is the first time since Cale’s childhood, did he do anything other than drink or start a fight. The anxiety lasts for a few days and Deruth thinks that it’s not too bad but then—
Then Cale brings home a stranger that even Ron himself had been wary of.
(That did not help Deruth’s anxiety for his son.)
And from there his son had done other things. Other things that restored some semblance of hope that Cale was starting to prove others’ views of him wrong (because when had his son ever be trash? He was Deruth’s son for god’s sake!) and perhaps that was enough of an excuse for Deruth to make Cale go to the capital. Basen had no qualms with his decision and really the only one that would contest was Cale.
(But maybe it had been a mistake because now Cale barely came home. Because now Cale became some hero of the silver-shield, and somehow that brought to light his self-sacrificial—borderline suicidal—tendencies. Because somehow, his son cared too much and seemed to be hell-bent on protecting the territory, the country, and at this point the entire continent.)
(Maybe it was a mistake because now Cale had been crowned a hero, crowned to be the sworn brother of the Prince Alberu. Maybe it was a mistake because all Deruth could see every night was his son’s back standing tall and protecting him and everyone else—because of course Cale had been bleeding, of course he was straining himself to protect their home.)
(Maybe it was a mistake because Deruth knew of the possibility that Cale may never come back home. May never had considered the Henituse household as a home.)
(Maybe it was a mistake because for all the achievements and saving his son had done, he never came home.)
(And if Deruth drank himself to sleep and cried out for his dead son’s name that night, no one would know. Because everyone else had done the same the moment the world had found out the death of Cale Henituse.)
In another time, Cale would have lived after his fight against the White Star. In another world he would have won and properly lived out his slacker life in peace. In another universe, Cale’s mother would have lived but Violan would replace her anyways and act as a new consort or mistress of sorts. In another life, Cale Henituse was just that—Cale and not Kim Rok Soo. In another, Cale wouldn’t have been spoiled, wouldn’t have been loved no matter how silent or loud it was.
(But for this world, for this time and instance, Cale was loved. He was loved even before he became Kim Rok Soo or before Kim Rok Soo became Cale.)
(But in other times, love for Cale only came just because he was Kim Rok Soo.)
Sometimes Cale wonders if he would be loved if he hadn’t been or done anything. Sometimes he wonders if he had a home before Kim Rok Soo took over his body, before everything with Choi Han and the White Star.
(Sometimes Cale wonders if he had a home to return to if he didn’t die.)
(Never mind the small band of misfits he’s befriended and called a family, never mind the transmigrated Choi Han or the children, Raon, On, and Hong. Cale knows that they are not his family, they are Kim Rok Soo’s.)
(Even in death Cale wonders, if he had a home or a band of people to call a family.)
(Afterall, Cale was just that—trash—and not family.)