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“What happens now, where I go now has to be alone”
Bill nodded and immediately went to envelop the Doctor in a hug, which he accepted gratefully. Nardole did the same, and the Doctor pressed both of his friends towards him before they disappeared in his arms. He felt cold all of a sudden and fought against the urge to hug himself to keep the warmth, although false, of his friends.
“Time to leave the battlefield” he whispered to himself before walking the short distance towards the TARDIS.
He got inside, closing the door behind him. The pain was starting to be excruciating and his hand went to his stomach, feeling it twisting underneath his skin. But he had a new sense of purpose now, and ignoring the pain, he willed the regeneration energy to stop hurdling inside him, willed his body to hold the regeneration back. Just a bit longer.
“You wait a moment, Doctor! Let’s get it right!” he exclaimed before he pushed the buttons of the console “I have one more thing to do before my time is up...”
He didn’t know where she was or how to find her, but he knew what he had to do. What Clara had done on two previous occasions. Now that she was in his mind again, mending the hole in his broken hearts and scaring away the emptiness that seemed to accompany him wherever he went; but before the new Doctor could emerge, he had to see her. She was the first face this face had seen, and he wanted to make sure it would be the last. A promise, to her and him.
He switched off the safeguards, turned off the nav conn and pushed his fingers into the TARDIS telepathic interface. He closed his eyes and focused on Clara, on the way she laughed, the way she smelled and the way she looked at him. He focused on her smile, sometimes so wide the dimples in her cheeks showed, or her angry expression when he did something to make her mad. His mind took him to the day he’d lost all his memories, how blind he’d seen that he’d had Clara in front of him and hadn’t recognized her. He remembered now, vividly, what he’d told her that day in the Diner.
“I know we sat together in the Cloisters and she told me something very important but I’ve no idea what she said. Or what she looked like, or how she talked or laughed... there’s nothing there. Just nothing”
He was seeing it vividly in his mind, he could see now how his words impacted her, he could recognize in her expression how she tried to keep the tears at bay, even if he couldn’t see it before. Her strong Clara, always looking out for him. Always being the brave one.
But that had passed. He remembered now. His lips painted an affectionate smile when his inner eye saw her, smiling at him playfully, and couldn’t contain a small laugh. He focused on Clara, his Impossible Girl, asking just one thing: where is Clara Oswald now?
Suddenly, the TARDIS began humming loudly and started to move, and he couldn’t believe his luck. He knew his and Clara’s timestreams were strongly linked, not only by what they felt for each other but also because of the nature of their relationship, Clara had jumped into his lifestream and had seen all his faces. However, he didn’t know whether Clara had gone back to Gallifrey to be returned to Trap Street, and he hoped with all his might that he wasn’t too late to see her one last time. It seemed that the universe was conceding him one last wish before parting.
When the TARDIS stopped with a thud the Doctor grabbed the console and sighed, running his hands through his hair. He didn’t know what he’d find and tried to push down his anxiety by slowly walking towards the door. Would Clara still remember him, care about him? Asking if she was alive was a stupid question, as she was frozen in time between one heartbeat and the last, but the TARDIS seemed to think she was somewhere in the universe. What would he find, though? That’s what he was going to find out.
Taking a deep breath in he exhaled and turned the knob swiftly, hearing the hinges creak as he pulled the door open. He was welcomed by the powerful light of two beautiful suns on the horizon, nearing their setting. He was standing on a cliff, he could hear the waves crashing against the rocks below him and the air smelt of salt and iodine. He was on an island, that much was clear, but he didn’t recognize the planet or the two setting suns on the horizon.
“Doctor?”
A voice that transported him back decades ago rang in his ears. For a split second, he closed his eyes, revelling in the cadence of that sweet voice he’d spent years without hearing in his mind, and a smile crept to his lips. He turned around, and immediately felt an explosion more powerful than regeneration in his hearts, spreading to all the cells of his body, as he took in her incredulous and puzzled expression and raised eyebrows. She was exactly as he remembered her, dressed in a dark plaid skirt and a white shirt, her hair blowing in the wind. He’d found her.
“Clara”
He saw her eyes welling up with tears that began to stream down her face, her lips repeating his name in a whisper as if willing herself to believe he was there. His vision blurred as he could swear his own tears had made an appearance too, and he opened his arms with a smile.
And then his eyes saw no more, as the woman of his faceless dreams ran towards him and jumped at his arms, silently trusting he’d catch her. And he did.
He laughed in ecstasy as her smell surrounded him, hitting his nostrils and bringing him back memories of past adventures, chips and coffee, borrowed coats, running from monsters and resting in the TARDIS library. He pressed her small body against his with urgency and relief and hid his face in her hair, as she hid hers against his chest.
She was sobbing against him and he let all his pain and hopelessness be washed away by Clara’s tears, held in her embrace. Her arms surrounded his torso with a disproportionate strength and he clung to her with the same frenzy, their need evident in how they hung onto each other.
“How... how did you...?” she scoffed, but fell silent, being too overwhelmed and confused to speak.
“Oh, Clara... I remember!” he exclaimed blissfully, then his voice went down a few notches until he whispered “my memories are back, I remember everything...” and he kissed the top of her head, repeatedly and adoringly.
Clara’s face slowly moved from its hidden place, allowing the Doctor to place kisses all over her temple and forehead, never stopping. Now that he had her in his arms again he felt he could never stop.
“I know about the Cloisters, Clara. I know what you said to me that day...” he murmured. He stopped kissing her, observing her reaction and smiled when she saw her face turn a delicious shade of red. He chuckled and leaned forward as he nuzzled her nose with his, one of his hands travelling to her face gently cupping her cheek “my beautiful Clara...”
He looked at her smiling when he suddenly did not doubt what Clara still felt for him as she lunged forward, her small but vicious lips capturing his in a hungry, passionate kiss. He moaned involuntarily, his hand that was previously stroking her cheek helping in keeping her in place and deepening the contact. It was maddening, it was surreal, it was everything he’d ever imagined it would be. Or rather, as he suddenly remembered it had been, for that was not the first kiss they shared, of that he was sure.
His mouth pressed against hers with need, as if remembering an old dance it used to know how to perform, his mind only reacquainting itself with the movements. His lips captured a moan she let escape, he felt her press her body against his as their tongues met, and suddenly his mind no longer was able to do anything other than feel the wonderful sensations spreading through his body.
He would’ve continued with the kiss, blaming it on his superior Time Lord biology, and groaned in complaint when Clara began to withdraw, which caused her to giggle happily.
“Oh, Doctor!” she exclaimed as she passed her arms around his neck, bringing him in a hug again.
He responded in the same way, his long arms surrounding her back as he leaned forward, resting his forehead on her shoulder. He didn’t want this moment to end, but knowing Clara, he knew she had questions that needed answering. He sighed happily against her as he felt her crane her neck and place a small kiss on his cheek.
“Okay, Doctor, tell me. Why are you here? How did you find me?” Clara asked, and the Doctor could only smile.
They were still clinging to each other but the Doctor pulled her down as he sat on the ground. Clara would’ve sat next to him but he had other ideas, and lifting her, he placed her on his lap. She looked at him with a raised eyebrow but the Doctor returned the gaze with intensity, and she only laughed at his antics before accomodating a bit better in his arms with no complaint; sitting sideways with her legs across him.
“It’s a long story” he answered once she stopped moving and her side rested against his torso “but... I’m dying, and I wanted to see you. One last time...”
“Dying? That means you’re... regenerating?”
The Doctor didn’t respond but showed her one of his hands, glowing with warm orange-ish regeneration energy. Clara gulped.
“I was given your memories as a parting gift from... a friend” he hesitated in mentioning Bill, after all the Bill he knew had died as a cyberman, but it had been her memories that had returned Clara to him “and I had to come, Clara. I had to. Before I die”
“You won’t die. I mean, you will regenerate, won’t you? Change into someone different, maybe a bit less brooding and less attack eyebrows...” Clara teased eyeing his eyes and bushy eyebrows, but stopped when he saw the serious expression the Doctor wore “Doctor? You’re regenerating, aren’t you?”
“I didn’t want to. I’m just... I’m so tired, Clara. Of fighting, of running... of losing” he whispered, defeated, as his hand went towards her cheek and began stroking it adoringly with the back of his index finger, feeling it as soft as the first time “losing you was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I knew who you were and what we did, but I forgot everything you taught me, the many ways you were essential to me. Time passed but the emptiness didn’t leave, as the pain increased and the bodies kept piling up... I just can’t keep doing this...”
He lowered his gaze and gulped, trying to keep his emotions at bay and not be overwhelmed by them, and avoiding Clara’s eyes. He didn’t want to see the disappointment in them. However, he was surprised when a small, warm hand cupped his cheek.
“I understand, Doctor” her voice was soft and kind.
That soft voice briefly reminded him of so long ago, trapped in the Confession Dial, the grief of her loss so raw and so painful he almost gave up. But then, Clara’s voice would appear in his mind, gentle yet stern, encouraging him. Giving him strength. He wouldn’t have made it it wasn’t for that voice he was now hearing again.
She tilted his head so they could lock eyes, and hers were glowing with warmth and such love that couldn’t be contained in one gaze.
“I know you’re in pain, I know you’re tired. But the universe needs you. Just one more time”
He sighed, his body sagging a bit against hers, and she held on, her hand never leaving his cheek.
“I suppose this silly old universe generally fails to be a fairytale” he repeated the same words he’d given his previous self hours before.
“But that’s where you come in” she answered, smiling, and he couldn’t help but return it weakly, having taken the words from his mouth. The smile fell almost instantly, though. He placed his hand on top of hers, his so big it almost engulfed it, and he interlaced their fingers.
“I may be able to help the universe, help the next planet, prevent the next alien invasion” he enunciated sadly “but I keep hurting those I love...”
He offered a sad smile before he tilted his head and kissed the inside of her wrist. Slowly, adoringly, making it last. Willing his memory to remember what it felt like to kiss her with these lips, with this body.
“My Clara... I’m just sorry I couldn’t give you our fairytale...”
He felt her untangling their fingers and tilting his head up, and the Doctor held back a shocked gasp when she kissed him, suddenly and passionately. His eyes closed out of their own accord and automatically one of his arms went around her waist, drawing her near as he responded to the kiss.
“You don’t understand, old man” Clara whispered as her lips moved away just an inch from the Doctor’s “you already did...”
The Doctor looked at her in the eyes, seeing them glisten with warmth and love. And he smiled, a true smile, so wide all his teeth were showing, as it dawned on him that this moment was all he needed to go on.
He leaned and kissed her again, and he smiled as she squealed with happiness. They both laughed, their lips brushing against teeth, but neither seemed to mind as they both felt enveloped by their warm cloud of affection and appreciation for one another.
Clara rested her face against his shoulder, her forehead close to his neck, as she sighed in contentment.
“Is this goodbye, then?” he whispered, his voice growing sad.
“It should be” Clara answered “I have to get back to Gallifrey, to Trap Street. Get my last heartbeat, heal the universe”
“My brave, impossible girl” he whispered, not hiding the affection in his voice. She moved her face from her hiding place and looked at his sad eyes, her nose gently nuzzling his “I don’t want to say goodbye again”
“I know. I know goodbyes are difficult for you” Clara answered. She kissed the tip of his nose, which made the Doctor focus his eyes on her, as she smiled “but this, Doctor, is our fairytale. We always knew I couldn’t be with you forever, I’m human after all”
The Doctor kept silent but never once darted his gaze away from hers, and she held on. His piercing blue eyes, sadder and older than she remembered, got seared into her memory.
“This time, though, there’s no bad timing. This time we’re exactly where we’re meant to be when we’re meant to be” she continued, needing to take it off her chest and lay it all bare at her feet “together at the end of all things. There really is no better goodbye for us. And you gave me this gift”
“It’s hardly a gift, Clara” he scoffed, although his voice lacked his usual sharpness.
“When you’ve spent years wandering about, feeling incomplete until the moment the TARDIS landed on this island, it is. This, Doctor, is our eternity” she smiled and kissed him, sweet and languid, and smiled sadly but gratefully “thank you for giving me that.”
“You were the first face this face saw” he answered with an equal smile, his voice deep and gruff “and you had to be the last. My Clara”
He leaned forward and caught her lips in his, kissing her until they were short of breath. Each kiss got them closer to the end, and they were trying to postpone the inevitable. To make each kiss not be the last.
After all the words had been said and all the kisses had been given they got up from the ground, the air heavy with what was coming next. They knew they had their separate ways to go on, and wanted to make the moment last forever.
“Time to go and be the Doctor,” she told him with a smile.
He nodded, already dreading the moment he would get into the TARDIS.
“Just promise me one thing” she requested, handing out her hand, which he held in between his much larger hands, keeping them warm despite not having a pulse.
“Anything” he whispered, kissing the knuckles. The gesture transported him billions of years into the past, the fateful day he’d had to say goodbye to her. So many things had changed since then.
“That you’ll remember me” she whispered. When the Doctor locked eyes with her they were glistening with tears that had started rolling down her cheeks. His hand went towards her face, cupping it while gently wiping away the tears.
“You’ll always be my Impossible Girl. And when I change my face and my body, I’ll remember you as you were. As you are right now” he responded with unconcealed affection, kissing her hand fervently “my brave, wonderful Clara...”
She stood on her toes and reached to give him a slow, sweet kiss. It felt salty, it felt sad, but it also felt right. This was the way it was supposed to be, a closing of a door and an opening of another. Clara’s chapter in this book had ended, but that didn’t mean she would be forgotten. The Doctor would make sure of that.
“Run you clever man, and be a Doctor” she whispered near his ear before she turned away and disappeared from his sight.
The twin suns were almost set, their ferociously red light illuminating the sky. The Doctor turned away from the cliff and walked the few paces to the TARDIS. Before he opened the door he stopped, looking back at the suns as he took a deep breath, feeling his hearts light for the first time in aeons.
Time to let her go.
Time to be a Doctor.