Chapter Text
Sirius, like most people fortunate enough to be largely healthy for most of their lives, was a terrible sick person. He was under strict orders to rest, but was incapable of calming the restless energy in his body- even though the snake’s venom still ached through his bloodstream and made him woozy.
“When can I go home?” He complained when Nadine came in to check his vitals
“When I say so.” She says, scribbling something on his chart
“I feel fine.”
“Yeah? Well you won’t stop bleeding, so why don’t you stop complaining and let me do my job?” She cocks a brow at him
“Your bedside manner is terrible.”
Nadine smiles and shakes her head “If you don’t behave, i’ll tell your boyfriend when he gets back.”
She peels back the bandage on his neck and gives a disapproving tsk
“Still bad?” he asks
“Still bad. I’m going to try a coagulation tonic over the wound, that might do the trick. I just have to check on Mr. Hayes first. Remus might like to have a chat with him. He’s not coping with the news.”
“Got the bite?” She nods and Sirius hisses through his teeth “Rotten luck.”
“At least he’s in his thirties. I had a ten year old last month. She didn’t make it”
She looks tired, he realizes, much more exhausted than even a few months ago “Are you alright?”
“Me? I’m fine. You know, we do what we can. It’s just… Getting worse, you know? More and more every month, and people are putting the blame in the wrong place. Our funding is hanging on by a thread.”
“You’re kidding.”
“It’s politics.” She shakes her head “Anyway, when Remus gets back…”
“I’ll let him know.” With a flick of her wand, fresh bandages reapply themselves to Sirius’ wounds. “Listen, you should come for Christmas dinner. Molly is cooking, it’ll be chaos.”
“Oh, I dunno. Tonks might not… Want me there.”
Sirius furrows his brow “What’s going on?”
“When you find that out, let me know. All I know is they’ve been brushing me off for weeks. They got out of here as fast as they could tonight, too.”
“I’m sure they’re just overwhelmed with everything.” Sirius frowned “They’re obsessed with you, I promise.”
“I appreciate it. I’ll think about your offer.” She pats him on the arm “Rest.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
_______________
Remus and Harry arrive just in time for visiting hours. Things are a lot busier now, with people coming in to see their family members for the holidays. Celebrating anything had been the furthest from his mind since finding out Sirius was hurt. It was odd that only a year ago they had celebrated Christmas with everyone at the cottage. They would be back there one day, he had to believe that.
As they step into the elevator, Remus watches as Harry paces “Are you sure he wants to see me?” he asks quietly
“More than anything.” he assures him “He was furious they wouldn’t let you come last night.”
“Okay.” Harry nods quietly “Thanks.”
“Of course.”
The two young Aurors at the door recognize Remus and give him a small nod before opening the door for him. The room now has a sharp herbal potion smell lingering in the air. On the other side of the partition, a man stares despondent at the wall, barely giving them a glance when they come in.
“There he is.” Sirius grins. Harry finally brightens and seems to let out a sigh of relief.
“How do you feel?”
“Nadine just gave me a pain potion so I feel like a million galleons,” he says. He hits Harry’s arm with affection “Hey Kid, I owe you.”
“No, you don’t.” Harry brushes it off
“I’ll be the judge of that, thanks.” Sirius said “I’m not kidding, you did an amazing job. I would have bled out without you.”
“I’m just glad you’re okay.” He says, pulling up a chair
Sirius turns to Remus “The man in the next bed, he just got the bite.” he says in a hushed tone
Remus exhales “Damn. I’ll go chat with him later. Do you have any idea when you’re getting out of here?”
“I asked and Nadine got mad at me.”
“So don’t you start pestering me about it.” Nadine comes back in with a rush of green robes “Good to see you, Harry.”
“You too.” he says. As she’s looking over Sirius’ chart, her eyes fall on his bandaged hand.
“What’d you do there?” she asks
“Hm?” Harry shoves his hand in his jacket pocket “Nothing.”
She cocks a brow “That bandage looks pretty old, why don’t I change it for you?”
“No, I'm okay.” He says
“What is with the men in this family and consistently refusing medical attention? Do I have to bash your heads together?”
“Harry, what’s the matter?” Sirius asks “What happened?”
“Nothing, I just- one of the Skrewts in Care of Magical Creatures.” he says
“Right, then I should definitely look at it.” Nadine says
“I’m fine.” he insists, but Remus is giving him a look like he knows Harry is lying.
“I’ll put you in a body bind, don’t think I won’t.” she threatens. Reluctantly, Harry lets her take his hand and unwind the haphazard bandages he’d put on himself after his last detention. Her eyes widen as she looks at the angry red letters.
“It’s not a big deal.”
“Harry, who did this to you?” Nadine asks. Harry looks at the floor as Remus makes his way over.
“I must not tell lies…” He reads off, his jaw becoming visibly tense “What is this?”
“I-my detention with Umbridge, she’s been having me write lines.” He mutters
Sirius is half out of bed before Remus or Nadine can stop him “Where is my wand?”
“Sirius, get back in bed.” She snaps
“Where is my wand?” He repeats dangerously. Remus puts his hand on Sirius’s arm and forces him to get back into bed. Remus is suddenly glad the divider is charmed to block noise.
Harry rubs the back of his hand while Nadine fetches her supplies
“Why didn’t you tell us this was happening?” Remus demanded “Harry, this is illegal for your teacher to be doing to you, do you understand that?”
“I have it under control.”
“Like hell you do.” Sirius says “If you had it under control, you would have told Professor Dumbledore and had that bitch thrown out of the school.”
“It’s not like anybody is going to believe me, anyway!” He says “If I say something, all it’ll do is make everyone sure I’ve lost my nerve.”
“We would have believed you, Dumbledore would believe you.”
“Dumbledore hasn’t so much as looked at me all term.” Harry says “And I wasn’t going to bother the two of you to complain about a little cut on my hand.”
“Harry, you can’t seriously expect us to just let this happen to you.” Sirius says
“Getting everyone upset about it wasn’t going to do any good. I knew you were going to want to get her fired and all that’s going to do is make the ministry come after you even more.”
“I appreciate you taking us into consideration, but that’s our job to worry about. Someone was hurting you, we need to know about that.” Remus hovers over Nadine while she disinfects the irritated skin. He knows enough about wounds to know this will leave a scar. Remus felt a rage akin to loathing growing in his stomach.
Their third year, they had such a professor for Defense Against the Dark Arts. He was an old-school ministry type. Remus was never sure if he’d been told of his lycanthropy or if he had simply parsed it out for himself, but the man took an instant dislike to him. He too, appreciated corporal punishment and ended up getting sacked for using stinging hexes in detention. A first year finally said something, and Dumbledore put a stop to it. Remus had been too much of a coward to speak a word of it, not even his friends, until after he was gone.
“Why didn’t you tell us?” James had demanded. He could still remember the horror in his eyes at the discovery.
Why hadn’t he told them? It was simple to answer now: he had felt he deserved it. Only Sirius had seemed to understand this feeling, then. Of course, he was bitterly familiar with it himself.
He remembered, then, what James had said as they went to sleep that night ”If anybody ever hurt my kid like that, they’d be sorry.”
Nadine finishes wrapping up Harry’s hand again and gives Remus a look “I’ll give you guys a minute.” she says.
As the door shuts behind her, they stand in silence for a moment, except for Sirius, who draws his knees up and rubs his palms into his eyes “I thought we were at the point where you felt you could come to us with things like this.”
“I just- I’m sick of people looking at me like I'm fragile.” Harry admits
“Harry, you’re not supposed to just endure pain until it becomes intolerable before you say anything.” Remus says
Harry meets his eyes sharply “Are you of all people going to stand there and tell me that?”
“I-” he falters
“That’s enough.” Sirius says firmly. Harry looks away and digs the toe of his boot into the floor absently
“We have to tell Professor McGonagall, you know that, right?” Remus snaps
“Do you seriously not think that if Umbrdige is sacked she won’t come back with the full force of the Ministry to punish you? To punish me?”
“That doesn’t mean she just gets to do this to you! Did you ever think that you’re not the only one she’s doing this to?”
This stops Harry and he grits his teeth “Then maybe it should be up to one of them for once.”
“That’s not how it works, kid.” Sirius says “It’s about time you wizen up to the fact that you can’t take on everything on your own
“We’re not just going to leave you to fend for yourself.”
“Yeah, but it wasn’t your choice last time, was it?” Harry reminds them
Remus exhales sharply and turns to Sirius “I just need a minute.”
The narrow hospital room was making him feel claustrophobic and liable to say something he didn’t mean. Slipping out the door and past the members of the Order lingering around, Remus is struck with two thoughts: the first being that in twice as many days, he’s wanted to apologize to his own mother for his own frustrations. The second is that he is completely in over his head.
Lily would have known what to do. She had that kind of wisdom beyond her years that could formulate the perfect solution, framed so perfectly that you wondered why you didn’t think of it yourself. Even James always had a knack of knowing exactly what to say. It was hard not to feel like a piss-poor substitute on the best of days.
Remus always kept his self-loathing with him like a houseplant. It was cultivated in privacy, something that was only his. He was never able to see it for what it really was: something carnivorous, something that could hurt people beyond himself. Worse, Harry had seen him care for it, seen him let it thrive and taken those lessons to heart. Had he taken a cutting and propagated it when Remus wasn’t looking?
That was what both of them gave to Harry- some keen ability to see people for who they were, no matter the smoke and mirrors they put up.
He wanders through the halls in no particular direction, ostensibly trying to find a door he can slip out to smoke. Turning a corner, Remus halts when he’s faced with an all-too familiar stuffed vulture sat atop a hat. The boy behind her lights up in recognition.
“Professor!”
“Hello, Neville.” Remus shakes himself out of his thoughts “Great to see you, is this your grandmother?”
Neville catches his eye and hides a laugh “Yes, Grandma, this is-”
“I know who this is. Lupin, yes?” she says
“Yes, ma’am.” He shakes her hand “I’m quite the fan of your Grandson.”
“You knew my son, Frank, too.”
“I did. Do.” Remus says solemnly
“It’s a damn shame what the school did to you. I wrote to Dumbledore and told him as much, I said he was a coward for not fighting to keep you.”
“I appreciate it.” he says “It was for the better.”
“Nonsense.” Mrs. Longbottom says “I trust we’re not keeping you?”
“No, no, I’m just getting some air. My partner had a bit of an accident. He’s fine, just a little banged up.”
“We’re just about to go say hello to my son and daughter-in-law. Would you like to join us?” She asks
“Oh-” Remus blinks “Oh, well, I wouldn’t want to intrude.”
“Of course you wouldn’t be. Right, Neville?”
“Er-only if you want to.” he mumbles
“I would love to see them, then.” Remus says. He had never come to see the two of them, though he had thought of it many times. Their maimings had come as a devastating blow to the few survivors of the Order. Remus had been weeks into drinking himself numb when he heard the news. Even after finally cleaning himself up and getting to a state of cohesion, he couldn’t bring himself to go.
“I’ll warn you, they’re not likely to remember you. It’s nothing personal, their minds just… Aren’t all there.”
“That’s alright. I can’t stay very long anyway.” Remus says. They walk through the ward, decorated with gifts and pine garlands for the holiday.
He remembered Frank as a cocksure fifth year when he was lining up as a Gryffindor for the first time. He was tall, and handsome, ever patient with their early nonsense.
Now, his skin is sallow and loose, and there’s something gone behind his eyes. He looks a thousand years old, not a man barely pushing forty. Alice, too, once a cherubic beauty, short and unabashedly cheerful- had taken on the haunted look of the horrors they’d both been subjected to.
Still, though their eyes pass over Remus obliviously, when each of them sees Neville, they both ripple with recognition. Alice claps quietly and he glances over at Neville, his face glowing.
Remus says a quick hello and leaves them to their time as a family, deciding it was time he returned to his own. He bids them a happy Christmas and wanders his way back through the halls to the bite ward.
He steps in, finding the room now chocked full of Weasleys decked out in their customary sweaters. Harry has changed into his and is sulking in the corner away from the others. Remus notices the man in the other bed has woken up, and keeps looking over at the crowd. He drifts over, and the man looks away.
“Good afternoon.” Remus says, hands in his pockets.”I’m Remus Lupin.”
“Vincent Hayes.” The man speaks with an American accent “What d’you want?”
“Just chatting. Is it alright if I have a seat?”
He eyes Remus suspiciously but gives him license to sit. They’re within a few years of one another, he would guess, though the man carries it much better.
“Are you with that guy?” Mr. Hayes asks
“That’s my boyfriend.” he says, gauging the man’s reaction
“And the gingers?”
“Just some friends. He was bit by a snake. The healer and I are good friends though.”
“Are you?”
“She’s treated me a lot.” Remus says “She asks me to come in and speak to people when they’ve first been bitten.”
Mr Hayes blinks at him “What, are you the werewolf welcome committee?”
“Something like that. You’re an American?”
“Yeah. I was on vacation. Hiking.”
“You’ve certainly got yourself into an American Werewolf in London situation, haven’t you?”
“Never saw it.”
“Oh it’s terrible. Definitely worth a watch.” Remus says “Do you have any family, Mr. Hayes?”
“I did. They told me they don’t want anything to do with me.”
Remus exhaled, “They could come around.”
“I doubt it.” Mr. Hayes says. Fidgeting with the edge of his blanked “I’ve never been… I’ve never been a fan of you people, to be honest.”
He nods slowly “A lot of people feel that way.” he says
“It’s not as if I’m prejudice or anything-”
“Certainly not.”
“-It’s just… I guess it was easier to think you were all monsters. I suppose I always knew it was unfair, but I thought ‘well, that’s just how the cookie crumbles’, you know?”
He gives him a patient smile “How’s the end result of that life philosophy looking for you?”
Mr. Hayes looks at his lap “Ironic, isn’t it?”
“Such things almost always are.”
“Maybe God is punishing me.” he says
“Maybe. But very likely, chance is a bitch and you were in the wrong place at the wrong time.”
Mr Hayes looks up at him “You’re not what I thought.”
“I get that a lot.” Remus stands, his bad leg protesting “If you come to need anything, Nadine can tell you how to reach out to me.”
“You’re exceedingly decent, Mr. Lupin.”
Remus laughs as he’s about to disappear behind the curtain “You’d be surprised.”
_______
Sirius is allowed to go home late that night, once the bleeding finally stops. He’s still a little wobbly on his feet, and he’s ordered to rest for the next two weeks. Everyone else is already gone to sleep, the house quiet save for the occasional groan of the stairs.
“Next Christmas,” Sirius grumbles when they step back inside Grimmauld Place “we’re going on holiday. Somewhere warm with no snakes.”
“When you figure out where that is, let me know.” Remus says. They still haven’t come to any kind of decision about Harry, but they’re all too exhausted to fight about it anymore today.
“D’you remember that Christmas we all stayed because you were in the Hospital wing?” Sirius asks
“You mean the year Madame Pomfrey demanded a raise or she would quit for some inexplicable reason?”
“The very same.” Sirius slumps on the dusty sofa in the sitting room and ignites a fire with the flick of his wand.
“They stole the Christmas tree from the Great Hall and put it in the Hospital.” Remus tells Harry “When I reminded them that I was Jewish, they transfigured all the ornaments into stars of David and menorahs.”
“McGonagall gave us all some points for that.” Sirius said.
Harry smiled absently, staring into the fire “What were my grandparents like?” he asks
“Unfailingly kind.” Sirius answers quickly “Arthur and Molly remind me a lot of them.”
“Don’t they, though?” Remus says “I was just thinking.”
“I’ve never known two people more willing to help people, no questions asked. I think deep down, they wanted a ton of kids, so they took in everyone they could.” Sirius says
“Were my parents going to have more kids?” Harry asks. Remus often wondered what would have happened if they had lived, in more ways than one. It amused him to think of them ending up like the Weasleys, with a swarm of crooked haired, nearsighted children like Harry. In reality, Lily hadn’t even been expecting motherhood when it came.
“James would have done it a million times over.” Sirius says
“Yeah, he didn’t exactly have the difficult part in the process.” Remus reminds him.
“What about you two?” Harry cocks a brow.
“Ha!” Sirius cackles
“What, you could adopt.”
“We already did.” Remus gestures to Harry himself.
“You know what I mean, you could have another kid.”
“I think we’re having enough trouble keeping the one we have out of trouble.” Sirius shakes his head “Another kid he says.”
“If it's the company you want, the Weasleys are always available.” Remus shakes his head “I need a drink.”
“Hear hear.” Sirius says, flicking his wand and summoning an absurdly old bottle of wine from the pantry.
“Can I have some?” Harry asks
Sirius gives him a sideways glance but relents “Since it’s Christmas.” He pours out three glasses and holds his up “A toast to Harry, without whom I would quite literally not be here. Probably a dozen times over by this point.”
“To Harry.” Remus repeats.
___________
With Sirius on bed rest, and Mad-Eye making it clear they ought to stay close to headquarters, their Christmas holiday is rather lacking in entertainment. After two days of complaining, Molly finally put the kids to work resuming the cleaning operation from this summer.
Remus was spending most of his time combing through the Black family library for books on Occlumency. He honestly hadn’t studied it since his NEWT year- a year he mostly spent snogging Sirius behind the greenhouses. There’s a particular volume he knows of that he’s certain would be in the collection, but he can’t for the life of him find it. He’s climbed the ornate, wobbly ladder and is searching the top shelf when he hears a noise from the doorway. He leans over and sees Tonks drifting in, hands in the pockets of their faded jeans. Their hair is a dull shade of brown, shaped into a choppy mullet, and they seem to be lost in their own thoughts.
“Evening, Tonks.” He calls out. Their head snaps up and they give a half-wave
“Wotcher.”
Remus climbs down from the perch and Tonks takes a seat in one of the velvet green armchairs, picking absently at an exposed tuft of stuffing.
“Doing alright?” Remus asks
“Oh you know me, I’m swell.”
“You certainly seem like it.”
They frown “I’m fine. Just tired. Short staffed, you know how it is.”
“Sirius told me you and Nadine are in a rough patch?” he asks
Tonks’ mouth twitches with annoyance “I wish she wouldn’t go around telling people our business.”
“If you need to talk about it…”
“Look, I just think maybe getting into something serious right now is stupid, okay?” They blurt out “And I don’t think that’s me being afraid to commit, or whatever else- I just think I’m being prudent. Look at the shit going on and tell me you want to bring someone else into it.”
“She wants to make things more serious?”
“Yes.” Tonks says, rubbing their hands together “She wants us to think about… I dunno, a future or whatever. But I can’t- how the hell do you think about the future right now. I mean, really. And she wants kids. Like before her parents get too old, and I- what if that’s not something I’m able to be for her? Like- what if I’m not cut out for that?”
Remus leans back against the bookshelf “Tonks, it’s okay if you don’t want to be a parent, or anything else.”
“That’s not it!” They groan “I love kids, okay? I just- I think about actually having one, and I just think… I don’t know, I think that the kid doesn’t deserve to have me as a parent, you know? Like I would make them worse by being around.”
“I know the feeling.” Remus says “I mean, come on, I was never supposed to be doing this. I’m at best the fourth best option. If I’m being incredibly generous with myself. A thousand times a day I think God, am I completely fucking this up?” But look, I spent a lot of my youth pushing people away, sure that I was doing them a favor. And you’ve got to ask yourself if protecting your fear of being vulnerable is worth the price of being alone.”
They run their hands through their hair “I love her. I really do. My brain just can’t stop playing the worst case scenario with this job. I mean, with things how they are… The more you have, the more you have to lose.”
“This is true.” Remus says “But what are you fighting for, if not for the people you love? Take it from me, don’t go through a war and find yourself completely alone at the end of it. Lifelikes to take and take, so if you have found someone who actually makes you happy to slog through it, I recommend you hold onto that person as tightly as you can.”
Tonks nods at the ground “Thanks, Remus.”
He picks up his stack of books and puts a hand on their shoulder “You’ll figure it out.”