Chapter Text
Lila and Allison had warped in the apartment, sights immediately landing on Five sitting tensely against the wall, his hands pressed flat on the ground, eyes tightly shut. Soft whimpering through panting breaths, then knocking his head twice on the wall behind him in apparent frustration.
Allison could only think of the young, frightened boy in her arms in the Apocalypse just a few moments ago. Hands over her mouth, she breathed heavily, audible even through her hands, but Five in his distressed state still failed to notice.
Lila approached Five and sat carefully beside him, shoulders touching to allow her presence to be felt. Five’s breath hitched, an indication that he had realized he had company. Lila peeled his hand off the floor and held it in hers. His hand trembling, breaths rapid -- Lila knew Five was on the verge of a full-blown panic attack.
"Are you alright," Lila asked delicately. Waiting patiently for a response, she received it after a few moments, as Five reopened his eyes and took a deep, shaky breath.
"Yeah...No, my memories updated or something. Because my siblings are idiots,” Five said, voice unsteady from the whirl of emotions. He paused momentarily, eyes finding Allison. “It’s as if I suddenly remembered something I forgot long ago."
Five needed the comfort from his family, Lila understood, so she released his hand and stood, walking away to give the siblings space.
Allison caught the encouraging nod from Lila and hesitantly took Lila’s spot beside Five, grabbing hold of his hand in the same manner as Lila had done earlier. Allison was surprised that his hand squeezed back.
“Hey,” Allison said softly, unsure of how to begin. Five’s body trembled where their shoulders touched, so she huddled closer, hoping more of her presence would help ground him. Giving a few moments of silence for him to adjust, she allowed her eyes to roam around the small apartment.
She knew Five frequented Lila’s place often. A bedroom with the door slightly open, a small kitchen, a living room area off to the side, where Lila currently sat quietly observing. Humble but homely and well lived-in. More tears rolled down Allison’s cheeks as she remembered the apocalypse, where Five had no home.
In the quietness, Five’s rapid breathing became all too evident.
“Deep breaths,” she gently coaxed, readjusting her grip on his hand.
An apology, she determined, was the best place to start.
I’m sorry you were lost in the apocalypse , she thought.
I’m sorry you were hungry. I’m sorry you starved.
I’m sorry you were alone for so long. I’m sorry you were deprived of touch and conversation.
Words that would fall far too short of the comfort and concern she wanted to impart, for how could she even begin to heal wounds that had long scarred over in his soul?
“I’m sorry,” she said simply through tears, turning to look at her brother. Five still visibly struggled to calm his breathing, so Allison squeezed her hand tighter for support.
I’m sorry that you grew up without anyone.
“You’re amazing,” she said. “I wouldn’t have been able to do it.”
“It was a long time ago,” he dismissed with a small voice, breathing out.
She was grateful for the response, her worries a bit lighter.
“Can I give you a hug?” she asked, a slight fear of once again being pushed away. She was relieved to receive a hesitant nod.
Allison released his hand and turned towards him, wrapping an arm around his neck and another behind his shoulders. But Five’s body remained stiff beneath her arms. She had hoped to give him the comfort he needed.
“Allison,” Five whispered in her ear, and she waited for him to continue.
“Allison,” he repeated, the call sounding like a plea. A plea for what, she strived to understand, because right now she would give her brother the world if she could.
A puzzle piece floated into place, and Allison squinted to see a discernible portion of the mysteries of her small brother coming into view: Five’s pleas had gone unheeded for so long that he had probably stopped asking for anything long ago. No longer knowing how to ask for himself.
Her heart ached at the realization, tightening her embrace and nuzzling her head against his, hoping it was what he wanted.
Hurried footsteps signaled the arrival of the rest of the family. Lila opened the door to allow them in. They stood in front of Allison and Five, still trying to catch their breaths, seeing Five still tensely in Allison’s embrace.
Lila quietly walked out the door, positioned herself to sit against the wall just outside, keeping the door slightly open to watch the family. A selfish wish she pushed away from her heart, because it was Five’s family that he needed surrounding him. A melancholy yearning felt, but a warmth blossomed in Lila’s chest despite her tears.
Eudora arrived trailing behind with car keys jingling in her hand as she walked down the hallway. Giving Lila a kind smile, she sat against the wall beside her, both of them on the outside looking in.
Klaus sat on Five’s other side, while Luther, Vanya, and Diego sat around in front. A tight semi-circle, the siblings attempting to communicate care and concern in the few moments of silence, allowing Five to adjust to their presence.
“I’m sorry, it was my fault,” Five said after a while. “I miscalculated the days and I...I thought…” His voice trailed, breaths picking up pace again.
Allison was already shaking her head, “No, it’s not your fault,” and was quick to comfort, “You’re okay. We’re right here, Five.”
“That’s what you said to me,” Five said, voice slightly detached. Surprised at his tone, Allison pulled away to view his expression -- Five’s eyes were distant, body relaxing, thoughts floating away; being lulled by a soothing song or a fantasy playing in his mind.
Vanya gently pulled both of Five’s hands from the floor to hold into hers. “How much do you remember?”
“Dolores kept saying it was merely a hallucination.” Five smiled in wistful musing. “She would not be happy to be proven wrong.”
Klaus curled in, leaning his head on Five’s shoulder. “You made it through.” Even though Five’s words were a sobering reminder that he didn’t quite make it through -- their brother was certainly damaged in ways unseen.
“That summer was unusually difficult,” Five continued. “But still much preferred over any of the winters.” Lost in his memories, reliving a life that no one had been a part of. Vanya squeezed his hands to help guide her brother back.
“You’re home now, Five.”
Five shook his head. “No, I keep running but I can’t find it.”
The siblings exchanged glances, attempting to glimpse the vision in their brother’s mind.
Luther looked on in concern. “Five, where are you running to?”
“Home, I’m trying to get home,” Five said with a far-off stare, tilting his head.
“Five, you are home.” Allison said, placing a hand on his cheek, slightly surprised when Five closed his eyes momentarily and nudged gently against her palm. She wasn’t sure if he wanted more physical comfort, so she asked.
“What do you want for yourself, Five?” It was the question they had asked in Eudora’s car as he lay dying in her arms.
“I want to save my family.”
Diego took a long inhale, closing his eyes momentarily. He reached over to take one of Five’s hands from Vanya, holding it securely with both of his. He heard sniffles towards the door, spotting both Eudora and Lila crying just outside.
Allison cupped Five’s face with both her hands, pulling his distant eyes into hers. “No, what do you want for yourself ?”
Five’s eyes focused, giving Allison a questioning look.
Nothing , the word said in her mind, and already she knew its meaning since that first time that Five had stopped breathing in her arms.
She wondered when he had changed, from the 13-year-old in her memories - a confident storm primed to conquer the world - to the person that she looked upon now, empty of everything he used to be.
Several pieces of the puzzle attached, the image of her brother nearly fully formed, but no matter how much she stared, it still remained an unfocused blur.
A question that frightened her: who was this person that came back to them?
In that barren land surrounded by death, a remarkably brilliant boy had sat in the wreckage of a ruined library, squinting at a half-burned physics book, when his dream of one day disproving the most famous theoretical scientists had died.
In the empty and silent world, a boy always filled with unwavering optimism had desperately searched every building, every street, every town. Voice raw after endlessly shouting for people to answer his call, his hope of finding someone else alive in the world had died.
As the boy had gazed at the ruined world from atop a hill, as the loneliness had gripped him to despair one too many times, there came a day when he had created a wife in his imagination, because the dream of ever finding true love had died.
Everyday as he struggled, a little piece of the boy had perished, buried in the ground where death had welcomed him home.
When was the day when he had lost all his hopes and dreams, she wondered. Because one day, the boy who was lost in the apocalypse had died. Everything of the brother she remembered had been stripped away in that hell.
Their hopes and dreams, Allison thought again, was what kept them all moving forward, what gave each of them strength and purpose. And as she gazed at the one in front of her wearing her brother’s face, it scared her, in the pit of her stomach.
That maybe their brother never really made it back home to them.
Allison touched her forehead to her brother’s, closing her eyes. “Come home, Five.”
“I’m trying, but I can’t get there,” Five said, his eyes closing as well.
Diego tilted his head at the strange response. “Five, where’s home?”
Five shook his head between Allison’s hands. “It’s not a place.”
“Hey, you’re home, Fivey,” Klaus said, biting his bottom lip and eyes narrowing in concern.
Five shook his head again. “No.”
Luther and Diego exchanged puzzled looks, a building disquiet making its way around their little circle. Diego adjusted his grip on Five’s hand to catch his focus. “Five, what is home?”
“Home,” Five began, speaking quietly, Allison feeling his tired sigh on her face, “is my family alive, safe, and happy.”
The remaining puzzle pieces snapped into place, a clear image that had always resided somewhere hidden in their hearts came into focus. Realizing that not everything of their brother had perished in the apocalypse. Against all odds, in that dark and hopeless land, a powerful light in his chest couldn’t be extinguished -- his love for them had survived.
Because he had wrapped it tightly within himself, stubbornly and carefully protected it. Send my love to my family, he had requested, hollowed out of everything, lying on the ground on the brink of death in the unmerciless land. Please, don’t let this die here, not ever.
So he had dragged himself back up with every ounce of his strength, and tenaciously kept running, and stubbornly fought to protect it; the only thing that moved him, his sole reason for being. All so that he could one day present the gift to his family.
This messenger who wore the face of the boy who had sent the gift, he came to them at the Academy one day, unwrapping a priceless treasure - a great, powerful love that defied the laws of time and space. The only thing left of the boy who was lost so many years ago.
Because nothing else of him had made it back.
Allison brought her arms around Five again, wrapping him tightly as she sobbed on his shoulder. “Thank you,” she said, regretting her gratitude had been long overdue.
Luther reached a hand to his brother’s shoulder, his heart thick with emotions at the sudden realization. “Five,” he called out, but words to express himself wouldn’t come.
Diego breathed in, composure thrown off balance. “Dammit,” he whispered, as a pang of protectiveness for his small brother came over him. His heart uttered a silent promise to never let pain or suffering come near his brother again.
Klaus lay his head on Five’s back as he made eye contact with a tearful Vanya, giving her a sad, knowing smile.
Allison readjusted her hold on Five, desperate to feel the warmth of his body; pressing herself closer, trying to feel the steady beating of his heart; listening for his breaths beside her ear, warm and alive.
This was her brother, she reassured herself, living, breathing. And loving.
Because as he sat unmoving beneath her arms, an illogical trepidation had settled inside her. She couldn’t pinpoint the source of it, just a general irrational sort of dread -- that her brother wasn’t really here.
“Please, Five, come home.”
A few moments passed, a worry that her call went unheard, until Five lifted his arms, wrapping them around his sister.
Against Allison’s body, Five trembled with rapid, shallow breaths, his heartbreaking whimpers cutting through the quietness. A long-held secret left his tongue, laced with wearied misery -- “I’m so tired of running, Allie.”
No, keep running, keep going! the voice in Five’s mind said.
“You can stop running, Five,” Allison said, voice wet with tears. “You can stay here. We’re all here, and we love you so...” Her sobs cut off her words.
Five was yet again enveloped in his family’s familiar embrace, and a gut-wrenching sob released from the depths of his soul. Realizing his family was warm with life, warm with love and concern, for him -- things he hadn’t known he still longed for.
A hidden desire in Five’s heart fulfilled, body collapsing at the intensity of his soul satiated for what it had always veiledly craved. Arms promptly supporting his sagged body, the sounds of sniffling and crying around him. An overwhelming, comforting warmth that made him cry harder.
Body and soul encompassed by the protective love of his family, Five wondered again, this time finally allowing himself to hope -- Could this be home?