Chapter Text
Ingrid Hofferson lay in bed, drifting out of a pleasant dream and into consciousness. As the dream slowly faded away, she became aware that she was feeling groggy, and not very well-rested at all. She cracked open her eyes and noticed the room was still swathed in darkness. The world outside was quiet. She frowned.
She rolled over and lifted her head to check the time on her digital alarm clock. Oh, great. She’d woken up in the middle of the night. She let out a heavy sigh and tried not to think about how difficult it was going to be to fall back asleep, and how tired she would feel in the morning.
Closing her eyes, she tried to fall back into the pull of sleep for a while, but she was unsuccessful. Her frustration mounted as the minutes ticked by.
Well, tossing and turning was getting her nowhere. She heaved herself out of bed, figuring she would go downstairs for a bit so she’d hopefully have a successful attempt at sleeping later.
She had just put her left arm through the sleeve of her night robe when she heard something. She paused, wondering if she’d imagined it.
There it was again.
She hastily finished putting on her robe and stepped out of the bedroom and into the hallway to investigate. She shivered. The house always got cold at night. A floorboard creaked as she started to make her way down the hall and towards the stairs. She paused to turn on a lamp, which emitted a low amount of light to guide her along the way.
More noises. They were muffled, but they sounded like… sniffs? Gasps?
Turning her head to try and identify where they were coming from, she quickly determined it must be from Astrid’s bedroom. The door to the room was halfway open, which in itself was somewhat unusual. Astrid always liked to sleep with the door closed, so why…?
Her daughter had been behaving a little… odd, lately. Ingrid couldn’t quite put her finger on it, but something didn’t feel right.
This only served to confuse her more.
She heard the sounds again, and realized they were sobs. Sobs that were coming from Astrid.
…Astrid was crying.
What?
Ingrid frowned. Astrid almost never cried. She crept closer toward the door.
“You’re safe, you’re safe, you’re safe,” she heard Astrid’s voice whisper repeatedly.
Concern bubbled up inside her. She pushed the door open fully and peeked inside. The soft light from the hallway spilled into the room, illuminating the form of Astrid sitting up in bed, hugging herself and rocking backwards and forwards slightly.
First that panic attack last week, now this? What was going on? Did something bad happen to her?
Why hadn’t Astrid told her anything?
She didn’t seem to notice Ingrid at all as her mother stepped into the room. She just continued to sob and whisper to herself.
Ingrid’s heart broke at the sight of her daughter so upset.
“Astrid?” she asked softly, approaching her.
Astrid didn’t respond.
Ingrid reached out and touched Astrid’s arm. Astrid flinched and her head shot up. Her eyes looked unfocused, like she wasn’t actually seeing what was in front of her.
“D-dad?” she asked.
“No, dear, it’s me,” Ingrid said.
Astrid opened her mouth, but it took a while before she actually spoke. She was looking at Ingrid rather strangely.
“Who…” she began. Then her eyes widened. “Oh. Oh. S-shit. I’m so-ho-horry,” she continued, barely getting the words out as her breath kept hitching.
“Hey, it’s okay. What’s wrong? Are you… having another panic attack?”
Astrid’s eyebrows furrowed for a second, then she shook her head and sniffed.
“No, I h-had-had a nightmare. It’s fi-fine,” she said.
“Come here,” Ingrid said, opening her arms wide for a hug. Astrid seemed to hesitate for a second before she leaned into her mom’s embrace.
“That must’ve been one scary nightmare,” Ingrid said as she held her daughter close to her chest. She felt her nod and heard another sniff.
She tucked a strand of Astrid’s hair behind her ear. Frankly, her daughter’s behaviour was starting to scare her. She was so unlike herself.
Or…
Ingrid swallowed, suddenly feeling a heavy pit in her stomach.
What if she didn’t know her daughter as well as she thought she did?
Had she been pushing Astrid too hard? Did her daughter think she couldn’t show her mother she was hurting? Astrid was always so strong, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t allowed to show weakness.
Eventually, Astrid stopped sobbing and her breathing evened out.
“I couldn’t sleep, either,” Ingrid said, slowly pulling out of the hug and looking at Astrid’s face. “I was on my way downstairs, do you want to join me for a bit?”
“…Sure,” Astrid said quietly.
“What was it about?” Ingrid asked a few moments later as they both sat at the dining table, across from one another.
“Hm?” Astrid said, lifting her gaze from the cup of tea in front of her. Ingrid had made them both chamomile tea, in the hopes it would aid with sleep.
“Your nightmare,” Ingrid said.
Astrid hunched her shoulders. Her eyes were on her tea again.
“I-I don’t really remember it now,” she said. She didn’t elaborate.
“You sure?” Ingrid prodded.
“Yeah,” she said, blowing on her tea and lifting the cup to her lips.
If she didn’t remember the nightmare, why was she still so… subdued? Ingrid had the feeling something else was going on.
She remembered a time she’d struggled with nightmares herself. They were caused by something she desperately wished she could forget. What if Astrid had experienced something similar?
‘You’re safe,’ Astrid had been whispering to herself. Did she not feel safe anymore? Did something happen? Did someone do something to her?
“Did anything else happen, something you want to talk about? You can tell me, Astrid,” Ingrid said, feeling another wave of concern for her only child.
Astrid looked pained for a second. She shook her head.
“It was just a nightmare. I’m-I’m okay now,” she said.
She didn’t look okay. Ingrid definitely wasn’t buying it, but she didn’t know what else to do. If Astrid didn’t want to talk, she couldn’t make her. All she could do was reassure her daughter she was there for her.
“Let me know if there’s anything I can do for you, okay? Your father and I want what’s best for you.”
Astrid nodded.
“I will,” she said.
“We love you, Astrid.”
“I l-love you too.”
- ♢ -
After an uneventful day of school on Thursday, Hiccup, Astrid, Heather, and Fishlegs visited the museum. They were going to try one of Fishlegs’ plans and retrace their steps to figure out if they could switch back that way. He had kept the assignment sheet after the class trip, so they had a rough idea about all the places they had been.
They were lucky they didn’t have to pay an entrance fee; they were all (just) under 18, so they could walk right in. Astrid silently thanked the museum’s generous pricing. She was saving up whatever money she had for college, after all, so any amount of money she could spare was a win.
As they arrived at the dragon exhibit and walked past the corner dedicated to the mysterious species known as the night fury, Astrid turned to Hiccup and pointed at one of the many drawings of what it supposedly looked like.
“That’s your favorite dragon, right?” she asked him. He looked at her with surprise.
“It is. You-you actually listened to that?”
“Yeah,” she said, feeling a smile pull at her lips.
“I thought I was boring you half to death,” he said, grinning sheepishly.
“It wasn’t that bad,” she replied in a playful sort of way. His self-conscious grin turned into a genuine smile in response to her words.
She studied the drawings. She vaguely remembered feeling annoyed at the time, listening to Hiccup go on and on about those black dragons. She recalled his abundant enthusiasm, the way his entire body seemed to move with him as he talked, the spark in his green eyes, those pretty freckles dancing away on his cheeks…
Oh.
Hold on a second.
She had felt annoyed not because Hiccup himself was annoying, but instead because, quite frankly, he’d looked… cute. It wasn’t the first time his presence had frustrated her like that, either. It was like… he had this ability to make her feel things. Feelings she couldn’t control. She’d reacted to that loss of control with misplaced anger.
Did he know how much of an effect he had on her? Even before all of this, he was the one that kept popping up in her mind over and over again. Somehow it was always him. She’d thought it was just a rivalry, that was the only reason she cared so much about what he was up to. He got better grades than her on a regular basis, that’s why she was always watching him.
And how did Hiccup manage to always look so pretty to her, anyway? No, he wasn’t just pretty, he was positively gorgeous. Now she knew it wasn’t just a pretty face. Oh no, he just had to be kind, too. And funny, and creative, and caring, and really good with his hands, and his lips would probably taste nice, and–
Oh no.
Fuck.
She could no longer deny it. All those times she’d been thinking about him, before and after the swap…
She had a crush on him.
It seemed to make perfect sense all of a sudden. Just how long had she been lying to herself?
“Astrid, you coming?” she heard Hiccup say in her own voice.
“Hm? Oh! Y-yeah,” she responded with a start, realizing she’d been too absorbed in her own thoughts to notice the others had already started to walk towards the next exhibit.
She quickly made her way over to them. About halfway, she caught her reflection (which was actually a reflection of Hiccup’s face) on one of the museum’s glass panels. Her stomach gave a nervous little jump in light of her recent revelation.
Hiccup smiled at her as she caught up to him and she felt heat rise in her cheeks. Okay, fuck. What had gotten into her all of a sudden? C’mon, be cool, Astrid!
They continued on their route throughout the museum. When they were about halfway, exhaustion already set in for Astrid. None of the others seemed very affected, although Hiccup kept shooting her knowing glances. He eventually offered her painkillers, which she refused at first, but after a while she caved and took them. Hiccup’s left leg had really started to hurt.
Why had Astrid not listened to him last time, when he had asked her to slow down? Had getting to that last exhibit really been more important than her classmate’s physical exhaustion?
The four of them eventually stopped in a rather spacious room, depicting some of the history of Berk.
“Hiccup?” Fishlegs said, not looking up from his notes.
Astrid and Hiccup shared an amused look.
“Wait, you mean… The actual me, or Astrid who just looks like me?” Hiccup-as-Astrid asked with one eyebrow raised.
“Oh, I meant the actual Hiccup, the Hiccup that got turned into Astrid, so uh, that’s you,” Fishlegs clarified. This time he did look up at Actual-Hiccup and pointed at him.
“Still not confusing at all,” Heather joked drily, which made all of them giggle a bit.
Astrid thought Heather and Fishlegs were handling it quite well, actually. It must be weird for them to look at a classmate, knowing it was actually their best friend in a different body.
“So, what were you going to say?” Hiccup asked Fishlegs.
“Oh, yes. I was wondering, this is where you two had your altercation, correct?” he said, indicating the large room around them.
Oh. The warm, fuzzy feeling in Astrid’s stomach disappeared. She hadn’t noticed this was the place.
“It is,” Hiccup said, a little quieter. He cast a look at Astrid. “But like I already said, I honestly don’t know if it’ll work. Astrid already apologized, and I accepted her apology. We’re okay.”
Astrid nodded in agreement.
“I know!” Fishlegs said. “But maybe you’ll need to do it in the same place in order to reverse the effect. It’s worth a try.”
Hiccup gave a sigh and nodded. He looked just as reluctant as Astrid felt about having to bring this issue up again.
“Uh, could you give us some room?” Astrid asked after a beat of silence, looking at Heather and Fishlegs.
“Oh! Of course, we weren’t there the last time,” Fishlegs said, glancing around. He pointed at a bench a fair distance away, and suggested he and Heather would go sit over there.
They walked off, leaving Hiccup and Astrid alone together. It had been quite a while since Astrid had last felt unhappy to be left alone with Hiccup. Things had certainly changed.
Now she didn’t know what to say, how to start. It felt awkward.
“Take your time,” Hiccup said gently.
His words eased some of her nerves. She marveled yet again at how he could stay so calm, so kind. He wasn’t pushing her. He understood.
“Thank you,” Astrid said.
Hiccup’s brows furrowed.
“For-for what?”
“For being so nice about this. For being you,” Astrid said. The second part slipped out before she’d even fully realized what she’d said.
…Oops. Stop being weird, Astrid!
Hiccup’s face, which was technically her face, went very red. He scratched the back of his neck. Astrid imagined what he would actually look like right now, with his face all flushed. Her heart fluttered.
“Oh. U-um, you’re welcome,” he said.
A little embarrassed, Astrid looked off to the side for a moment. She watched as Heather said something to Fishlegs that made his eyes go very wide. He nodded slowly and replied to her, then enthusiastically scribbled something down in his notebook.
Astrid turned back to Hiccup and took a deep breath.
“I’m sorry, Hiccup. I’m sorry for being rude, for getting angry with you. You’re not useless.”
“It’s okay. I’m sorry I immediately ran away after what you said.”
They both waited for something to happen.
“…You feel anything?” Astrid asked.
“Nope,” Hiccup said with a sigh.
“Well, it was worth a try.”
They left the museum shortly after that and piled into Heather’s car. She was the only one of them who already had a driver’s license and had offered to bring everyone along. Astrid sat in the passenger seat next to her best friend, while Hiccup and Fishlegs sat in the back.
It was Fishlegs who was doing most of the talking during the ride. Hiccup was almost uncharacteristically quiet. Whenever Astrid caught a glimpse of him, he looked tense, with his shoulders hunched and an anxious look on his face. She’d noticed it on their way to the museum, too. He hadn’t been like this in Gobber’s car, so it had to have something to do with him being in a car that was unfamiliar. She recalled getting the impression from Gobber that Hiccup hadn’t been ready to drive a car by himself yet, and how she’d wondered if he ever still got scared. It seemed clear to her now. That accident had left more than just a physical mark on him.
It didn’t sit right, seeing him like this. Astrid felt herself wishing she could do something that would lift his mood, or at least distract him. Just then, there was a lull in the conversation. She figured she could try a little something.
“So, Hiccup, that dragon at the museum, I actually recognized it in some of your drawings,” she said.
“You did? They-they’re really fun to draw,” he said, sounding timid.
“Hiccup, you can draw?” Heather asked. She looked at Astrid-as-Hiccup for a second. “Is he any good?”
“Hell yeah,” Astrid said. Fishlegs made a noise of agreement.
“Uh, I’m okay at it, I guess,” Hiccup said.
“I loved the drawings of Toothless as one of those dragons. It looked so much like him, almost as if he could actually turn into a black dragon in real life,” Astrid said.
“Hiccup really has a particular knack for drawing night furies, I agree,” Fishlegs said.
“Wait, Toothless?” Heather asked.
“Oh, that’s his cat,” Astrid said. “Completely black, green eyes, big fluffy tail.”
“Aww! I have a cat too, her name is Windshear. I adopted her from that little shelter near the old hangar at the docks.”
“You-you mean The Sanctuary? That’s where I volunteer sometimes,” Hiccup said.
“Yeah, that’s the place!” Heather replied enthusiastically. “Then maybe you’ve already met her at some point! Is your cat from there, too?”
“Well, kinda? But I found him in the woods near my house, actually,” Hiccup said, starting to tell Heather the story of how he met Toothless. He was slowly starting to sound less tense. Astrid’s distraction was working! The conversation quickly turned to the various antics their pets got up to, and before long, the atmosphere in the car was joyous and full of laughter.
Astrid turned in her seat again to look at Hiccup, seeing her own face looking back at her with a smile. She then caught Fishlegs’ eye. He, too, smiled at her, looking very pleased about something.
Hiccup and Astrid met up for homework later that evening, after dinner. They were at Astrid’s house this time. She knew her parents had noticed her and Hiccup were spending time together. It said something about Hiccup’s character that Astrid’s parents were okay with the two of them studying in her room; they probably wouldn’t have been so lenient with other boys.
Her room was small, her desk even more so, but they managed. It was better than staying downstairs and having to put up a show in front of her parents the entire time, anyway. Climbing the stairs with Hiccup’s prosthetic leg had been a bit challenging, but together they’d managed.
Apparently, her parents had already known about Hiccup’s leg, which was somewhat of a surprise to Astrid. She couldn’t imagine Hiccup telling them himself, so it must’ve been his dad who informed them about it at some point.
She tried not to feel stung about not being informed along with her parents, reminding herself that Hiccup kept this hidden from literally almost everyone. Her parents were probably only informed because they were next-door neighbours and on good terms with the Haddocks (on better terms than Astrid had ever been with Hiccup before, anyway).
These homework-meetups had become a bit of a routine by now. Astrid had actually started to look forward to them. Talking with Hiccup was easy, as was studying with him. She did find herself a little more flustered than usual today, now that she was aware of just how attracted she was to him. She was glad, at least, that she’d switched with him, not with someone like, say… Dogan, or his friend Claus, or even worse, Snotlout.
Ew. Yeah, Hiccup was definitely way better.
As Astrid was mulling this over, Hiccup suddenly spoke up. What he said took her by surprise.
“I did this,” he said.
“What?”
“I-I did this. The more I thought about it, the more I realized it was me.”
Huh? He wasn’t making any sense.
“What are you talking about?” she asked.
Hiccup shifted nervously in his seat.
“It’s my fault we switched.”
“That’s nonsense, Hiccup. Do you have magical mind-swapping powers?” she asked.
“Well, no, but–” he began. Astrid cut him off.
“Then you didn’t do this,” she said.
“But I was… It’s what Fishlegs keeps saying, something must have caused this. You didn’t do anything wrong, so it must’ve been something I did.”
“‘Didn’t do anything wrong?’” she quoted. “Hiccup, I yelled at you.”
“Yeah, but you apologized, right? Multiple times, even. And-and I know you meant it. So if that was the reason, shouldn’t we have been switched back already? It was me. I did this,” he said, guilt creeping into his voice.
Astrid racked her brain for anything bad that Hiccup might’ve done. Absolutely nothing came to mind.
“What could you have possibly done to cause this, then?” she asked, genuinely curious.
The silence that stretched between them was so long that Astrid started to wonder if Hiccup was going to answer at all.
“I hurt myself that night,” he finally said. He looked like he was about to cry.
Those cuts on his leg…
Astrid’s earlier suspicions were correct. It were her words that he’d cut into his own skin.
…Wasn’t that more of a reason that she was the one to blame for all of this?
“What? But how would that make it your fault?” she said.
“I was mad at myself, at my body, and then the next thing I know, I wake up as you. I shouldn’t have done it, and-and yet I still did, and then everything got messed up. It… It f-feels like I stole your body. Your life.”
Astrid felt a very strong emotion well up in her chest. She had no idea how to describe it, other than that it felt… heavy. Big. She shook her head.
“Hiccup… No. No, that can’t be the reason. I’m sure it isn’t. You didn’t do this.”
“Then what else can it be?” he said, desperate. He was starting to breathe rather rapidly. It seemed like he’d absolutely convinced himself he was to blame for this, and was close to sending himself into a panic attack about it.
“Hey, hey, listen,” she said, gently grabbing him by the shoulders and looking into his eyes. “It involves both of us, right? So, either it was something we both did, together, or it was completely random and it just happened to us, somehow. I really don’t think self-harm has anything to do with it. I don’t blame you.”
As she said it, she found she was also trying to convince herself that she wasn’t the one to blame. It wasn’t about who was to blame here. She’d made mistakes, and she’d owned up to them. It was a really weird situation they’d found themselves in, and they were just going to have to try to get themselves out of it again. Together.
“I… I-I guess that makes sense,” Hiccup said, heaving a sigh. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. We’ll figure this out. We’re smart, and we’ve got our friends on our side,” she said. She let go of him and gave him a friendly punch on the shoulder.
“You’re right. We can fix this together,” he said.
“That’s the spirit!” she said, smiling at him. He smiled back.
Then he looked down at his hands, his brow furrowing again.
“Hey, um… remember the last time we talked about… this?” he asked, not looking up. His voice was a little shaky.
“About you hurting yourself?”
“Y-yeah. You said I could tell you, right? If I had, um, an urge again?”
“I did, yeah. Does that mean… you wanted to do it?” she asked carefully.
He nodded, pressing his lips together.
Astrid felt a flash of panic. Sure, she’d read up on it a little bit, to see what would be the best way to help him with this. Actually putting any of it into practice was different, though. She didn’t want to make the wrong move again.
“When?” she whispered.
“Last night. I-I didn’t do it. I wasn’t about to hurt you, I’d never want this to hurt anyone else,” he said slowly. His eyes were still on his hands. “Maybe that’s why I’ve never told anyone. I’m sorry you had to see it.”
“You don’t have to apologize for that. You didn’t hurt me. And the fact you’re telling me about it at all… That can’t be easy.”
“Yeah, it’s not,” Hiccup confirmed with a nervous laugh.
“Still, you did it,” Astrid said, smiling.
Hiccup finally looked up again. He looked vulnerable, but not in a weak way. Astrid knew how hard it was to talk about personal things. She realized it was actually a sign of strength, not weakness.
“It feels weirdly… relieving. To have someone know. It helps that you’re being so cool about it, too,” he said.
“I am?” she asked. She felt like she could’ve done a lot better.
“Yeah. I guess I just… expected the worst. It’s kind of a talent of mine,” he said with a shrug.
Astrid felt a brief flash of hurt at the knowledge that Hiccup had expected a worse reaction from her, but she quickly dismissed it. This wasn’t about him judging her, it was about him being afraid of her judgement.
She found herself wondering what had caused Hiccup’s urge to self-harm. And why did she want to know so badly? Was it morbid curiosity? Genuine concern?
“Why do you do it?”
The question was out before she could stop herself. When her brain caught up with her mouth, she instantly regretted it. That’s exactly the sort of thing she shouldn’t ask!
Hiccup looked surprised at her question. His eyes widened and he hunched his shoulders, like he was trying to make himself smaller.
“W-wait, no, I’m sorry, that’s way too personal, forget I just said that, you don’t have to answer that,” she amended hurriedly.
After a moment of tense silence, in which Astrid feared she*d broken something between them that was now beyond repair, Hiccup decided to answer.
“Sometimes, it’s just… it’s the only thing that works, I guess. When it gets really bad, it feels like it’s the only thing I deserve.”
“What do you mean, deserve?” Astrid asked, her voice barely above a whisper.
“I… I don’t really know. In a weird way, it makes me feel better and worse at the same time. It doesn’t really make any sense,” he said, one of the corners of his mouth pulled up in a humourless smile. “And what’s a few extra scars? My leg already looks repulsive.”
“It doesn’t look repulsive to me,” Astrid immediately replied.
“It doesn’t?” he said, sounding wholly unconvinced.
“No, it’s just... it’s just there. Sure, I was a bit shocked at first, but... It’s a part of you. And it’s only one part out of so many others. I know me saying that probably won’t magically convince you, but, y’know. For what it’s worth.”
“No, that… that actually does help a bit. I think. Thanks, anyway,” he said.
“I could also be super cliché and say it’s what’s on the inside that counts,” she said, grinning.
“Ah, yes, I’m sure my insides are beautiful,” Hiccup replied. Astrid smiled at the familiar note of sarcasm in his voice. “I can at least rest easy in the knowledge that my organs will fetch a high price on the black market.”
Astrid snorted and shook her head. What a dork.
A very loveable dork.