Chapter Text
"Jade, you can't go out with Karkat! He is an Alien! What if this is all just him trying to kidnap you to their mother ship for experiments?"
Jade closes the locker with most of her books inside "I'm sure the ship would have a lovely view. And he would hold my hand as they got my samples. He's that kind of guy."
By her other side, Dave gives his own input "That's not how those experiments go. They probe you with stuff, sticking... Well... Probes... In places..."
"Okay. And what's the difference between that and a transvaginal ultrasound? Or a colonoscopy, for that matter?"
Dave blushes, feeling put on the spot. He lifts his finger to answer, but no retort comes.
Karkat comes up to her, interrupting their conversation.
"We should get going soon, Jade. Oh, and I bought you something."
"Don't tell me you bought her flowers like a romcom protag. That would be so lame." Dave totally expected Karkat to be that guy.
Little did he know that the Alien was in fact the romcom type of guy, which meant he knew what would be more effective than flowers.
"I'd like to think my gift is more interesting than that. " He pulls a little gray box from his pocket and gives it to her.
"Duuuuuude. A ring first date? Talk about missing the mark."
"How about you shut up? The gift is not for you, fuckface. Let her tell me if * she * liked it. If I ever need to give you something and it can't be a steaming pile of shit in a box I'll take your inane criticism."
Dave leans on the lockers in the hallway.
"You don't know how lucky you are. I'm giving you free relationship tips. Dudes be lining up to get dating advice from the de facto Coolest Guy around and you just pissin' in it."
"For someone with so much elleged game you sure as shit don't seem to be using it with who actually wants to give you a fuck. Go bother your boyfriend," Karkat points at John "or Jenny, I don't give a fuck if you're a cheater."
Dave blushes. "John is not my-"
The boy is interrupted by a gleeful squeal and a fetid odor of rotten eggs. "It 's a Sulfur!"
"I told you you shouldn't trust him!" John pointed at Karkat's face while pinching his nose "He is trying to prank you!"
She closes the box and hugs him, "Thank you! How did you manage to get one this big?"
"That's what she said." Dave couldn't resist the meme. John high fives him.
"I have some friends" he said, but the rest of the thought was "across the universe who really don't mind sending me this kind of stuff."
"Wait, you like that?" Her brother's incredulity was made very obvious by his gaping mouth.
"Of course! I couldn't get my hands into sulfur for the life of me. This can produce Sulphuric Acid if I mix it right and that's extremely dangerous. You need a permit to operate this kind of stuff. I needed it to make a battery, nothing dangerous, really, but even Dad refused to get me some."
She hugged him again and kissed him on the forehead, "Thank you so much!" and while she showered him with appreciation, he narrowed his eyes and flipped Dave the bird, mouthing a clear "told ya".
Dave went stone faced, but Karkat knew that behind the glasses the blond was staring daggers at him. "Quit sulking, you look even more pathetic than usual."
The blond’s eyebrow rose. "I'm not sulking. That's broody bitch shit."
"Strider, anyone with eyes and their Lusus can see it clear on your face that you're sulking."
Jade and John look at Karkat with renewed interest. "You can tell what Dave is emoting?"
"If the emotion is really there, yeah. You guys can't?" The siblings shake their heads.
"Dude, that's impossible. I was trained to have an impenetrable poker face."
"Strider, the only impenetrable thing you have is your virginity," you know what you’re doing, and you’re savoring it “have you even ever kissed anybody?”
Karkat’s malicious grin could cut boulders. You are not going to fall for such a low level taunt, even if you want to punch him in the face for trying to lure you and, more importantly, for forcing you to give him your first kiss.
“That’s none of your business.”
"Then let's play a game," The alien pitches, automatically triggering a memory of his Bro's obsession with Saw, "unless you're afraid of losing to me, of course."
"What 's the game?" His acceptance of the challenge, implied in his serious tone.
"You're gonna choose a song that triggers a strong emotional response in you. It can be any emotion: sadness, anger, happiness. I'll even consider arousal an emotion for the sake of this challenge, because there are idiots that consider it an emotion. I have to guess what emotion the song triggered on you. Not the one it usually triggers, cause I could do that just by paying attention to the song. The one you're feeling as you listen to it or at the end of it. If I get three of them right, you're going to owe me a favor that I can cash at a time of my choosing. And it's gonna be a no-questions-asked. What do you want if you win?"
John is the one to claim Dave's prize "You're gonna leave the planet!"
Karkat rolls his eyes, "If I leave the planet I die, nook wipe. Also, I literally can't." He pouts "My ship is fucking busted."
"Then I want you to answer any questions I have about your homeland."
From Karkat's perspective that sounds very little compared to what he has to gain, so he adds "You can ask one more small thing if this is all you want." Dave thinks a bit but comes out empty. "That's all I want really."
The siblings watch enraptured as Dave pulls his MP3 and plugs into his phone to amplify the songs. He begins playing one of his own mixes. Those are the songs that bring his emotions out the most since he was feeling them through the whole experience of making them.
Karkat had never heard those songs before, but he liked them. They reminded him a bit of the slam poetry of his home planet, but without the poetry. Dave caught his head bopping to the music, but tried not to read too much into it.
What the humans around didn't quite realize is that Karkat was great at reading emotions. After years of dealing with moody high bloods he could read even the slightest shift of humor and Dave? Dave was a fucking open book. Sure, his face was shaded, but he had a most expressive posturing.
After the song is over, Dave asks "What was I feeling?"
"Before that, I forgot to add something."
"You can't change the rule in the middle, dude. I'm quitting this if you go through with it."
"Shut up! I'm not changing the rules," he explained, quite annoyed, pulling a device the shape of a bracelet from his locker, "I'm actually making sure you can't cheat them. This is a lie detector. Put it on your wrist. I'm gonna say the feeling you were feeling and you're gonna say if I'm wrong or right. This won't let you lie."
"I'm not gonna lie."
"Then you have nothing to be afraid of. Put it on."
"Fine, but just because I don't want you claiming I lied later."
Dave straps the device in his wrist. It beeps and goes green. "Just a test. You are the one they call Dave Strider, correct?"
"Yep." The device glows green and beeps.
"Lie on the next one. Do you have pink shades inside your bag?"
"Totally." It was a lie, but now that he thinks about it, he should buy a pair. It would be hilarious to just have that laying around.
The device glows red and beeps.
"Okay. Now we can start. You felt a myriad of feelings during that song. Am I correct?"
How did he know that? Dave pondered, but answered truthfully "Yeah, you're right."
"The feelings were, in order of appearance: fondness, which frankly was the first time I ever saw you emote. It was disturbing. The following was longing, which, also, disturbing. I never knew you could be fucking normal. The third was anxiety. And now you're getting uncomfortable because I got every other feeling right. Am I correct?"
The siblings watched the whole performance just like Karkat, and neither of them saw Dave express anything. Dave tscs. "You're right." The light beeps green.
Horror crawls up John's spine. If shit goes on like this, Karkat might actually win and use his friend for one of his nefarious plans. Jade claps. "I've known him since forever and not even I can read him like that."
"Aaaand with that I win."
"What, no. You said you needed to guess three. You never said if it were songs or feelings. So we are doing songs ‘cause that's more advantageous for me and your prize is sketchy."
"Wow. That's low. You're a shitty loser, Strider."
"Not my fault you suck at creating rules. Next song." This time, he decides to put on a song from his training playlist. These songs made him think about Bro and drove him to be more on his guard. There's no way Karkat could read him now.
The song finishes playing and Dave asks him again. "Take your guess."
"You really are a slimy slither beast, you know that?"
"I don't know what a slither beast is." The device glows green.
"What was the name of the animal? It was long with a triangular head and fangs..."
"Oh, you mean a snake." Jade helpfully provides.
"Yes, that! You're a slippery snake, Strider."
John mumbles a little closer.
"Dave, what is he talking about?"
"You wanna explain to them?"
Karkat's jaw tightens and his mouth pulls in an angry grimace. "First round this fucker wasn't even trying to mask. Now he's masking and it makes me want to claw his face off."
The siblings look at each other and John is the one to ask "Wait, so Dave is almost never masking around us?"
"Pretty much. I just don't see any reason why." The device beeps green. "But I'm hardwired to be cool, so I get why none of you could tell." It beeps red, but nobody cares at this point.
"Cool my waste chute. Who said you could mask? That wasn't in the rules!"
"Exactly. Which means it's not against them." The thing beeps green.
"If you're actively repressing all of your emotions how the fuck am I supposed to know what you're feeling?"
The siblings perk up right at that moment. "Now you know how we feel!"
"How do you put up with his shit?"
They shrug, but Jade intervenes. "But I don't think Karkat is wrong. Or Dave. But if Dave can mask, I think Karkat should have another try."
“You’re on his side?”
“It 's fair John! Dave is already very good at keeping a poker face. I’m not saying he shouldn’t have a way of defending himself. It wouldn’t be much of a game if that was the case. I’m just saying Karkat should have another try because he wasn’t expecting it from Dave in the first place. And from now on he shouldn’t get second chances. Also, none of you can really complain! He already accepted Dave’s interpretation of a rule that benefits him plenty before. It 's fair.”
“Fine, I’m playing again, but that’s the last time giving him another chance. If he missed, he missed.” Device beeps green.
“Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’m ready this time, Strider. I’m not falling for your tricks again.”
Dave plays the song one more time, trying like never before to school his face into a stone worthy of being sculpted during the renaissance.
Karkat couldn’t give less of a shit about it. With a single sweep of eyes he gathered Dave’s face wasn’t a good source of information, so he looked at the rest. The boy’s fidgety fingers, his muscles contracting to the beat of the song, the way that his arm hair stood at the crescendos and his breath labored.
When it ends the human pauses it before the next one begins and just nods at the alien, expecting his wrong guess.
“Well, for starters, I don’t really get how a song gets that kind of reaction out of someone.”
“What reaction, chief. I didn’t react, and you know that.” Beeps green.
“Maybe not to your knowledge, which just makes this more fun,” he adds with a malicious and jagged smirk “but I wonder what has this song done to you. You look like a… a…. a bear! Like a bear is going to jump on you and maul you and your entire family!”
What? No- no way. He can’t possibly know. You showed no emotion whatsoever.
“A lot of anxiety, sprinkled with some fear here and there.”
Dave’s eyes widen as his face falls, surprise and horror actually etching into his face.
There is no way. This guy has to be bluffing and he just happened to have a straight royal flush in his hand by sheer luck. No one can see through your poker face. Not even your Bro, after all this time. You perfected it.
Oh, that looks good on him, you think. The face of defeat. Maybe having him challenge you to more songs wasn’t so bad an idea after all. You wouldn’t have had the chance to put your ganderbulbs into such a satisfactory face otherwise. At first your only intention was to get the favor to cash at an opportune moment, but this is turning out to be fun. Chipping away his façade with sheer ability and humbling down this douchebag. What other faces could you get him to make? What other faces would you want him to show you?
A memory of Dave on the brink of tears, back when he was being kicked to Ms. Paints office, resurfaces for Karkat.
Maybe you should pace yourself. Making him cry might just be taking things too far. That doesn’t mean you’re letting him win, though.
Dave tightens his fist, frustration and anger boiling as he is forced to concede. But he makes an effort to keep his restraint, not wanting to give Karkat any more satisfaction.
“He is right again.”
The bracelet beeps green again.
You need to win just once. You already made him concede three rounds, you just need one victory and he’s running you into the ground in front of your best friend!
Dave scrolls his list of songs, searching for the one that could trick Karkat. Induce him into a mistake. John is terrified of the prospect of Dave losing. The favor could be anything! Suddenly he sees the red iPhone in his hand.
“You pick. I’m out of ideas.” John tosses it right back. “Put it in Random, the effect is the same.” Dave tosses it back. “But you’re my home-boy, dude! Maybe if you choose I’ll get lucky.”
“Can one of you just fucking pick already! We-” Karkat gestures between him and Jade “don’t have all day for your indecisiveness. By the pace you guys are going, we're gonna leave school by the time we are as old as Ms. Paint.”
“Fine! Then I’ll press the random.”
“Good idea, dude.”
The silence of the beginning of the song seems to stretch forever, but as soon as it hits its first notes Dave recognizes the song.
It’s the opening of Dakaitchi.
He got his phone back faster than anyone could perceive and broke it in his palm. The song stops quickly. A drop of sweat from his forehead runs, circumventing his face. Karkat looks from his face at the broken tech several times, horrified. The siblings are also at a loss for words.
Karkat holds his beanie. “Holy fuck.”
An awkward silence stretches.
“Uhm… boys… what now?”
That wrenches Karkat out of his own head. He shakes it, trying to come back to the present.
“Actually… I know the feeling that triggered that.”
“Huh…” The scary aura emanating from Dave threatens to choke Karkat into an early grave.
“B- but we probably should actually get a fucking song going, right? That 's the game!”
You’re pretty sure that if you went with that, he would kill you, and you still have one too many reports to deliver and an important mission you need to drag him to. Being culled here would help absolutely no one.
Karkat takes a deep breath, centering himself again, trying to regain his composure. “Jade, you ok with choosing a song for us? Or putting your playlist on random? Actually, scratch that last part. Choosing a random song on your playlist won’t do shit to get a reaction out of this fucktard. Try choosing a song you think will get a reaction.”
“Ok, gotcha! Let me see… Oh, I think this one.”
Alright! Things are ongoing and nobody seems intent on questioning why the hell you crushed your phone on your palm. Truth be told, you’d still rather lie about why you broke your phone than try to explain why in all the football yards you had the opening of Dakaichi in your phone. The chances of John recognizing it were slim to none, but you wouldn’t doubt Jade to have a fujoshi side and, honestly, you wouldn’t want to explain yourself. ‘Cause you would try. You know you would. And it would fail. Spectacularly.
The song begins and Dave pockets the remains of his deceased phone.
You don’t recognize, but admittedly it kinda slaps. You could use this for a remix, sometime. Not that you didn’t know that Jade had good taste in music, but you’re kinda surprised her style matches yours. Or maybe she picked it because of what Karkat said. But even then, she had to have that in her playlist in the first place. Heh, no wonder you’re not really pumped about Jenny. Jade is totally more your style. Shit just clicks, cause you dig the same stuff. It’s the same with John. You dig the same stuff, and he’s a dork most of the time, which is super cute - you mean - endearing - wait, no. That still sounds gay af. Thank fuck people can’t hear your internal monologue, shit would get embarrassing fast. Oh, the song is over.
“Wow, that was a rollercoaster. I don’t even want to know the ever bulge-munching fuck was going on inside that pan of yours, because it looked like a counsel of several versions of yourself where discussing some among-us level of issue. I could hear, over the song, the impostor prompt going over your -” he gestures to the whole of Dave “you.”
“You play Among Us!?”
Sheepishly he explains himself, not to get Jade’s hopes up. “Mostly I watch it.”
You don’t have enough friends to play that. And the ones you do have are busy elsewhere. But now that you think about it, it could be a cool thing to do with your friends, eventually. Sure, they would need human accounts, or maybe you can ask that guy to mod the game, so that it can be installed on Alternian tech. Hum… Something to think about later.
Dave just shrugs. “Whatever, man. It's not that deep.”
“That is not what it looked like.”
“Oh yeah? What did it look like, then?”
Karkat begins to list “Like surprise, fondness, appreciation,” Dave leaves his lean on the lockers, coming closer to Karkat as his list goes on “embarrassment and relief.”
“No way.”
“I’m right, ain’t I, fuck face?”
Dave goes stock-still. How? How come someone like him exists? Is it maybe because he’s an alien?
John, panics “He’s not. Right Dave? No one can see through your poker-face. It ’s impenetrable!”
The alien grins. “I’ll send you the details over the phone,” he turns, grabs his bag and Jade’s hand, and before leaving the building he adds “ don’t be late when I call you, operative McDouche.”