Work Text:
그냥 느껴져
I can just feel it
해가 뜨고 나면 꼭 달이 뜨듯이
like the moon surely rises after the sun rises,
손톱이 자라듯,
like fingernails grow,
겨울이 오면 나무들이 한 올 한 올 옷을 벗듯이
like the trees undress themselves layer by layer when the winter comes,
넌 나의 기억을 추억으로 바꿀 사람
that you are the one who will give meaning to my memories
"Trivia 承: Love" - RM
♡
It’s a supposedly innocuous morning when it happens. The kiss.
Not that Namjoon is entirely aware of it, it is only a couple of hours after sunrise, after all, and he got maybe four hours of sleep the night before. He knows everyone else is pretty much the same, all groggy and bleary eyed, and, in Jungkook’s case, still wrapped up in his blanket as though he intends on going back to sleep as soon as possible.
They have the day off, which is astounding in itself considering how close they are to their album drop. But even more magnificently, they’re all awake before noon. Perhaps because their schedule in the last few weeks has been so gruelling that it’s drilled them into waking early, or perhaps because Seokjin awoke and inexplicably decided to make a full breakfast. The delicious smell drew them all out of their rooms one-by-one, and they assembled like baby chicks waiting to be fed.
Namjoon was already awake, planning to go visit his parents for the day, and he attempted to help Seokjin as much as he could until Yoongi appeared and batted him away with gentle hands.
“Sit down, Joon-ah,” Yoongi said, eyes still half-closed, “Hyungs will take care of it.”
Namjoon tried to protest, but Yoongi put a tired finger to his lips. “Too loud, let me cook.”
So Namjoon joined the flock around the dining table, in between Taehyung, buried in his hoodie, and an empty chair which Jimin has his feet up on, toes arched forwards like a ballet stretch. Opposite him, Hoseok is humming as he savours the first sips of his coffee.
It’s mornings like this that make Namjoon a little emotional. The seven of them, all together. Tired and with aches in their bones, but the good kind of aches, the ones from work and diligence and making something beautiful with their bodies and their minds. Of building something together.
It reminds him of the first few years, crammed together in a tiny apartment, jostling over dining chairs because there were never enough for all of them. Listening to the sounds of the others falling asleep at night, packed like sardines. Long hours in a poor excuse for a studio, laying out tracks about big dreams and working from the bottom up.
He smiles to himself. They’ve come so far, and they’re still all together. Still seven.
“Awh, Joonie is getting emotional about breakfast again!” Hoseok coos, and swings round the table to pinch Namjoon’s cheeks. “It’s too early for you to cry about us, wait until after lunch, okay?”
Namjoon doesn’t respond, just pouts his lips out when Hoseok smushes his cheeks together. “That’s adorable,” someone comments, “Hyung is so adorable.”
“Yes I am,” Seokjin sweeps out of the kitchen, holding the largest bowl they have, almost overflowing with delicious-smelling kimchi fried rice. At least three people’s stomachs growl. “Jiminie, would you go help Yoongi with the meat?”
Hoseok finally lets go of Namjoon’s face and slinks down into the empty seat next to him, reaching out to fill Namjoon’s mug with more coffee from the pot. They’ve got some fancy French stuff today, which Namjoon doesn’t always enjoy, but Jungkook likes pressing the lever down on the cafetière, so they end up using it a lot more than they would.
“You look so sleepy, Joonie, when are you heading out?”
“Hm?” Namjoon yawns, “Oh, after breakfast.”
He runs through his mental checklist, he’s shaved, showered, ordered a car to take him. There must be something else he hasn’t remembered. He stands suddenly, disrupting Taehyung who was slowly beginning to fall back asleep, head tilting down to rest on Namjoon's shoulder. “Ah, I’ll grab my bag. Don’t want to forget it.” He awkwardly pats Taehyung's head in apology before looking up at the others. "What was it?"
Jimin laughs in the other room, and he flushes as Hoseok reminds him with a grin.
Seokjin ushers him towards his room, and Yoongi calls through from the kitchen, “Don’t forget that present for your sister!”
Namjoon smacks his forehead, “Thank you, Hyung!”
When he makes it back, satchel in hand and wrapped gift safely inside, everyone has reshuffled somewhat, and Yoongi is sitting next to Namjoon’s empty seat. Jungkook is already tucking in, and Seokjin has finally sat down to relax.
Namjoon couldn’t fully appreciate it before, but now he’s somewhat more awake, he can smile at Yoongi’s bleary eyes blinking up at him through his glasses. He’s wearing what Namjoon thinks is his hoodie, pulled up over his hair because he doesn’t want to wash it today.
Namjoon slides into the seat next to him and runs his hand briefly down Yoongi’s back in thanks when he realises the elder has already filled his plate. Yoongi shivers and stretches into it, much like a cat, and Namjoon laughs as he takes his hand away. When he looks up, Jungkook is grinning across the table at them.
“What?” Namjoon asks, already picking up his chopsticks. Next to him, Taehyung has almost finished his meal, still looking no less awake than before.
“Nothing,” Jungkook smiles secretively.
Namjoon looks at Yoongi, who shrugs, and hands him back his mug, now half-empty. Namjoon shakes his head fondly.
Yoongi leaves mugs all over the house. It’s a bad habit stemming from his other bad habit of drinking too many cups of coffee a day. They used to make a game of it when they ran low on mugs, trying to locate them all. Three in the living room, five in Yoongi’s bedroom, one curiously in the bathroom, and another next to Namjoon’s plants on the windowsill in the hallway.
After Jimin threatened to take away Yoongi’s rights to having even one mug, Yoongi just shrugged, reached over, and took a sip from Namjoon’s coffee, not breaking eye contact all the while. It was a power play, and Jimin conceded with a glare. But ever since then, Yoongi has become accustomed to sharing Namjoon’s mug anyway, even when he has his own in front of him. Namjoon doesn’t mind.
They eat, and conversation turns to their plans for the day. Namjoon is going to Ilsan, and Jimin and Taehyung are planning on going shopping. Seokjin is staying in, and Yoongi says he has some files to look at for another potential collaboration. Jungkook shrugs, and Namjoon knows he’s just going to fall asleep on the sofa until Hoseok finds him and convinces him to go out to do something fun.
The food is good, perfect for a day of rest and recuperation, and they praise Seokjin until his ears turn pink, Jimin leaning over to pinch at them.
Once he’s finished, Namjoon rises, takes as many empty plates as he’s allowed to hold, and clears them away into the kitchen. When he steps out, Yoongi is standing ready with his satchel and a scarf from the hallway closet.
“It’s cold out,” he tuts, making sure Namjoon is bundled in his jacket before handing him his bag. From the dining room, an uproar suddenly starts, and Namjoon glances over to see all five of the others battling over the last piece of meat. Jungkook, who up until now was barely more awake than a single celled organism, emerges victorious, holding the piece up between his chopsticks like a trophy and then gobbling it down right before a betrayed-looking Taehyung.
Yoongi whose hands are on each side of Namjoon’s scarf after straightening it out, laughs hard, and tips forward into Namjoon’s chest. Namjoon catches him and tugs him close for a second, pleased.
“Okay,” he says, “I should probably go, the driver will be here soon.”
“Have a good day, Joon-ah,” Yoongi says, voice still somehow clear under the loud calls goodbye from the others.
Namjoon waves at them, grins down at Yoongi, says goodbye to him and then-
“Oh my god,” Jimin says from the other room, which has gone suspiciously silent.
“What?” Namjoon looks away from Yoongi’s pink cheeks to the others. “What’s wrong?”
Seokjin looks a strange mix of amused and surprised. “You don’t know?”
Yoongi seems equally confused as the others all just stare at them, mouths agape. “What?” His eyebrows are furrowed now, “Guys, tell us.”
“You,” Jungkook looks somehow teary eyed. “Hyungs, did you just kiss? ”
Yoongi and Namjoon freeze.
“What?” Yoongi eventually gets out, which seems to be their word of the day.
“That was their first time in front of us,” Jimin’s eyes are so wide they could pop out.
“Wait, first time ?” Namjoon says, still hung up over the kiss thing but brain tripping ahead. Everyone ignores him, though.
“Speak for yourself,” Hoseok turns to smirk at Jimin.
“You’ve seen it before?” Taehyung turns to stare at Hoseok, looking affronted, “Why didn’t you tell us?”
“Same reason they haven’t explicitly told the rest of us, for privacy, I suppose,” Hoseok shrugs.
“I really don’t know what’s going on,” Yoongi says, “Will someone please elaborate?”
“You just kissed,” Seokjin says, straight faced but a little sympathetic. “On the lips, and we are all witnesses.”
Namjoon and Yoongi jump away from each other all of a sudden. Namjoon feels hot all over, and not because he’s wearing his winter coat indoors.
“What do you mean?”
“What do you mean what do you mean?” Jimin brandishes his hands until Jungkook catches one so it doesn’t thwack him in the face. “You kissed in front of us for the first time in all these years and now we’re appropriately surprised.”
“But the first time ,” Namjoon repeats, “What do you mean by that?”
“Well, you’ve never kissed in front of us before,” Jimin rolls his eyes, “Trust me, I have a bet with Taehyungie, we’ve been keeping track.”
“But why would we kiss in front of you in the first place?” Namjoon isn’t even sure that they kissed just then, but they have five eyewitnesses, and unless this is a group prank made to make Namjoon and Yoongi go insane, it’s true.
“Come on, guys,” Hoseok stands, beckons them closer. “Just because you’ve been keeping your relationship” - at this, Yoongi lets out a choked little sound - “on the down low for ten years, doesn’t mean we don’t approve or something.”
“I think I need to sit down,” Yoongi mutters, and Namjoon is quick to follow him through into the living room, where the rest of them gather, too, looking increasingly disconcerted.
“If this is a prank, guys, please just stop,” Namjoon sighs once they’re both settled on the couch, but from the others’ expressions he can tell it very much isn’t one. “Can someone please put this into plain words because I don’t think we’re all on the same page.”
“You just kissed,” Taehyung says, straightforward. “And you’ve never kissed in front of us,” at this he glances at a smug looking Hoseok, “Well, not all of us, anyway.”
“I’m still stuck on why you’d think that we’ve kissed before, or have cause to kiss.”
“Well,” Hoseok says, his hands are clasped tightly in front of him, like he’s breaking some bad news, or trying to contain his vibrating, “I’ve seen you do it, just in the studio once or twice. And never anything more than a peck hello or goodbye.”
Namjoon’s eyes widen, and Yoongi, now sitting hunched over on the couch, looks incredibly pale.
“Oh my god,” Seokjin’s eyes widen suddenly, “You really don’t know what we’re talking about.”
“Of course we don’t,” Yoongi snaps suddenly, and Namjoon flinches, stiffening up. Yoongi sends him a quick, guilty look, his next sentence is a little calmer. “You haven’t explained anything to us.”
“Are you not together?” Jungkook asks, after a long pause. His eyes are wide, and they remind Namjoon of the way he used to look at the two of them before debut. “Really?”
“What do you mean, Kook,” Yoongi huffs, “Of course we’re not.”
Namjoon has a sudden, sinking feeling in his chest that that isn’t true. He makes eye contact with the others, each and every one of them. They all look in varying states of confusion.
“Guys,” he says slowly, “Did you think that me and Yoongi-hyung are in a relationship?”
“Holy shit,” Jimin says, “You’re not?”
“We’re not,” Namjoon confirms. “I think we’d both be aware of it if we were.”
“I’m not so sure,” Hoseok says knowingly, but refuses to elaborate when everyone stares at him.
“Are we in a relationship?” Namjoon asks, staring at the table, and then at Yoongi, and then at the table again. “Someone tell me we’re not.”
“We aren’t dating,” Yoongi says, glaring at the others as though they’ll try to refute it. “This was just an accident. A once in a blue moon sort of thing. We’re not in a relationship.”
“Yeah,” Namjoon says, but his voice feels weak, unbelieving. “You guys must have just got the wrong idea.”
The space between he and Yoongi feels thick, uncomfortable, especially as the others seem to take a moment to process that whatever they’ve believed for the past however many years is wrong.
“You really thought we were in a relationship?” he asks, eventually.
Jimin looks subdued, “We thought it was obvious, from the beginning.”
From the beginning . By their stricken faces he can see that they truly mean it. Since before debut they’ve believed that Namjoon and Yoongi have been together in secret. But they’ve never mentioned it. Or have they?
Namjoon’s chest feels tight, he keeps trying to modulate his breathing. It feels like a big deal, it is a big deal, but he doesn’t know how to process it. “Are we in a relationship?”
Yoongi turns to him, eyes wide, “Joon-ah,” but then he pauses, seems to start to think about it. Everyone else takes a step back, like they’ve realised that too.
Fortunately and unfortunately, it’s at that moment that Namjoon gets a notification saying that his driver is outside, the tone ringing out sharp in the uncomfortable silence. He turns to look at Yoongi awkwardly. “Sorry,” he says, “I can stay if you want.”
“No, no,” Yoongi huffs, “Go and relax with your family. Tell your sister happy birthday.”
They sway towards each other and then still for a second. The movement feels so natural that all of a sudden the truth hits Namjoon like a brick. They really must have been kissing without even realising.
He gulps, stands, and the others part around him like a discombobulated Red Sea, eyes wide and surprised and overwhelming. His steps towards the front door feel slow and all too heavy.
When he looks back, just before slipping out, everyone is gazing at him, but it’s Yoongi’s eyes that he connects with. All he can do is muster his best approximation of a reassuring smile. One corner of Yoongi’s mouth twitches, and he nods. We’ll sort this out later. We’ll be okay.
It’s rush hour, and the drive to his parent’s house is slower than usual, which gives Namjoon a decent amount of time to breathe, to try to process it all. The car feels quiet, windows too thick to hear much of the traffic, it seems odd compared to the crowded rush of before. He supposes that back at home everyone is going wild, and he hopes that Yoongi has managed to escape lightly.
It all happened so fast, the discovery that they kissed, the discovery that the other members have thought they were dating for the last ten years.
The people they’ve shared everything with, space, song, endless time. The people that know them best in the world.
Namjoon just can’t really compute how they went on so long with this misunderstanding. He supposes that once you assume things, you fill in the gaps. All the decidedly platonic moments between them brushed over. The others must have read into his and Yoongi’s actions as romantic, and somehow ignored the other signs. As people tend to do when they believe things.
The buzz of his phone snaps him out of his reverie, and he's grateful.
KSJ: let hyung know that you’re not freaking out
Namjoon smiles, despite himself. Seokjin always has that effect on him.
KNJ: of course i’m freaking out
KSJ: understandable
KSJ: talk to me about that
KNJ: you’re not my therapist
KSJ: yeah you don’t pay me to listen, i do it for free
KSJ: now tell me what’s on your mind
KNJ: where to start??
KNJ: apparently everyone thinks that i’ve been dating my best friend for years, that’s quite a big thing that’s on my mind right now
KNJ: and apparently we’ve been kissing without even being aware of it, which is… terrifying, for one
KNJ: and apparently i’m becoming used to the idea all too rapidly.
KSJ: ~apparently~ a lot of things are on your mind
KSJ: if it’s any consolation, i didn’t think you started dating until yoongi and i stopped sharing a room. Before that i thought you were just into each other
KNJ: big help, thanks
Namjoon and Yoongi have knowingly kissed before. A few times, actually, though Namjoon can count them on one hand. They’ve never talked about it. They were moments of jubilance, mainly. A form of celebration, of channeling all of that energy into a quick kiss. The most memorable for Namjoon is the most recent; when they got the Billboard number 1 for Dynamite and Yoongi flung himself into Namjoon’s room, spun him around and kissed him square and sloppy on the lips before disappearing.
Namjoon never thought it was a thing . He thought it was just a funny sort of accident each time. And they’re best friends, a few kisses here and there between best friends don’t mean anything. In fact, those kisses hadn’t even sprung to mind when the others confronted them before, that’s how inconsequential they are.
Or maybe , something in the back of Namjoon’s mind speaks up, maybe they lead to you getting too used to it .
KSJ: now i think about it, neither of you seemed super aware during the kiss earlier
KSJ: have you heard of a freudian slip? Hold on, i’ll naver it
KSJ: “A Freudian slip, also called parapraxis, is an error in speech, memory, or physical action that occurs due to the interference of an unconscious subdued wish or internal train of thought.”
KSJ: yoongi always complains about how freud was a fraud but are you seeing the similarities??
KSJ: like a freudian kiss
Namjoon lets his forehead thunk against the cool car window, thinks about how he and Yoongi swayed towards each other before he left. Thinks about the small crush he had on Yoongi, way before debut. Thinks about how he’d been glad that it went away. Thinks that maybe it never did.
KNJ: you might be right
KSJ: I’m always right
KSJ: wait
KSJ: are you serious?
Before Namjoon has time to really think about it, the car pulls over and stops, and he looks up to realise that he’s outside his parent’s place in Ilsan.
KNJ: can you tell yoongi that theory? i feel like he’ll take it better coming from you
KSJ: i’m not sure that’s true, but okay
KSJ: try to relax today, yeah? This isn’t an emergency
Namjoon tries to embody that as he steps out of the car, satchel over one shoulder. He can see his mother opening the door but he takes a moment to switch to another chat. He hesitates for a moment, the words not coming freely.
KNJ: hyung, this is all a bit crazy, sorry i had to go. see you later?
Yoongi, uncharacteristically, texts him back a mere few seconds later.
MYG: see you later, joon-ah, we’ll get through this, it’s us
Namjoon smiles, a weight lifted from his shoulders. Yoongi is right. Together they’ve made it through all sorts, he’s not sure why he was so worried before.
♡
His sister’s birthday isn’t actually today (Namjoon would be lucky to have a free day on any special occasion), but they’re having a family lunch to celebrate. He hands over the gift (one which Yoongi helped pick out and wrap, his mind helpfully supplies) and settles into helping his father set up for their mini party.
It’s a good distraction, being handed things and handing people things and hanging up decorations and spinning his sister round when she comes to hug him. It’s less of a distraction when she asks after the guys, and Yoongi in particular. Namjoon just coughs through his answer and wonders whether he usually brings up Yoongi in everyday conversation more than he does the others. If that’s why his family mentions Yoongi too. Maybe he’s reading into things too much.
He’s never noticed doing so before, but now he thinks about it, every little thing reminds him of Yoongi. From the way his father points out how they’re building a new shed in the garden, to the manner in which his mother fusses with his hair. To the way his sister blushes when Namjoon teases her about her crush.
It’s discombobulating, this sudden self-awareness. And Namjoon doesn’t know if he likes it. He really would appreciate a little more time for it all to sink in. The different parts of him feel all tipped over and mixed up, like he’s being remade from this one discovery.
It’s probably why his family doesn’t seem too surprised when he excuses himself a couple of hours after lunch. He hasn’t been very communicative all day, and he knows they can see that something’s troubling him.
His mother smooths down his scarf when he leaves, and he grins at her. “Namjoonie,” she says, looking up at him, smiling that proud but sad smile she sometimes has around him, “don’t forget that you don’t have the weight of the world on your shoulders.”
Namjoon thinks about that as he pulls his face mask up high, neglecting to call for a car and instead turning the corner to follow the familiar path to the closest park. It’s probably his favourite park in Korea, if not because of its size, then because of the lake, and the long walk around it he can take. He used to come out here on the bus when the time before debut got too stressful, whiling away the few hours he had to spare sitting on the grass and watching the water.
But where usually he’ll take the time to cycle or trek around the paths, today he finds a secluded bench and sinks down onto it, pulling his hood up higher to fend off the cold and any prying eyes. He’s always impressed at how many people recognise him from only a glimpse of his face, or his gait or a sweater he wore in a selca once, it’s become an art to hide himself in public.
Today, though, the cold bites at his fingertips as he pulls his phone out, and the park isn’t as busy as it is in the summer. The few people he can see are bundled up even warmer than him, except for a brave few people running for exercise. He shivers even looking at them.
He has a few texts from the others, a selca from Hoseok in the group chat, he gets the sense that someone, probably Seokjin, asked them all to tone it down. He’s thankful, but also not, one part of him wants to pretend like this isn’t a big deal, to go on like nothing much has changed.
It’s Taehyung’s message that makes him pause, though.
KTH: finding out you’re in a relationship must be overwhelming, hyung. but it makes sense to us. maybe it’ll make sense to you, too.
And, oh, Taehyung always puts a spin on things that Namjoon never sees. Something in him flips like a pancake and his cheeks begin to heat up under his mask.
With his fingers slowly turning more numb from the cold, he opens a new search bar, and lets his thumbs hover over the keyboard.
"how do I know if i’m dating someone?”
Those results aren’t useful, they’re mainly answers for people who aren’t sure how far their friends with benefits thing has come. Namjoon commiserates, but he’s at the point where he needs more of an outside opinion. He doesn’t trust his own judgement anymore. And anyway, he and Yoongi have never - he feels his cheeks heat up even thinking about it.
He scrolls down the page, and under “related questions” he finds one perhaps better suited “how do i know if my friends are in a relationship?”
He swallows, nervous after clicking on it. He knows that this by no means signifies that he and Yoongi are actually in a relationship, but he also knows that as soon as he begins to see it in this way, things will begin to change between them. And he doesn’t want things to change, he loves his relationship with Yoongi, and losing anything about it will hurt him right down to his core.
Still, he wants answers, wants some sort of peace. Wants to see him and Yoongi from everyone else’s point of view. Naver seems like a sensible solution for that, the scientific method of deduction.
The article conveniently splits the question up into five elements to look out for. Namjoon ponders for a second whether that really is enough to cover an entire relationship, but then decides it doesn’t matter. He’s only looking for the surface-level signs, after all.
The apprehension in his gut builds as he begins to read.
Time - Do they spend a large amount of time together? Activities like dates, or hanging out with each other for long periods can signify that they have gone beyond friendship.
Endearment - Do they call each other nicknames or pet names to show their affection? Verbal affection is a large part of most relationships.
Intimacy - Do they seem to know each other in ways that most friends don’t? Do they rely on each other in ways they might not in a platonic relationship.
Celebration - Do they mark significant moments in their relationship? Perhaps anniversaries? Or perhaps they display the depth of their affection of each other through gifts or mementos.
Touch - Do they make physical contact often? Holding hands, kissing, leaning into each other signifies close affection.
Namjoon reads and rereads the points with an unfurling sense of idiocy. The rest of the post goes on to analyse each element more, but he’s stuck on the beginning, on the realisation that maybe, just maybe, he and Yoongi have been dating all along.
He breathes. In. Out. If there’s one thing he’s learned how to do well in the last decade, it’s breathing.
Time
Namjoon and Yoongi have always spent a lot of time together, ever since they were flung together by the company before debut. Even back then, when they went through a tumultuous period of hating each other, they still spent the majority of their days and nights in the same space, bouncing off each other and trying to work out how to work together.
He doesn’t think that it’s particularly odd that he and Yoongi spend so much time alone together. They’re both introverts, or at least he thought he was for a long time, and time spent with each other feels less alone. It’s common for Yoongi to come to his studio and sit on the couch and brainstorm lyrics. Or for him to sneak into Yoongi’s room to have someone to talk to when the nights get dark and his thoughts get terrifying. They rely on each other, but he relies on everyone in Bangtan.
Not in the same way , the voice in his head supplies, Yoongi is different .
(“Date night?” Jimin calls out teasingly from the couch as Namjoon and Yoongi begin to leave. Yoongi rolls his eyes. For some reason all of the others have taken to calling Namjoon and Yoongi’s late night lyric and food sessions “date night.”
Namjoon finds it funny, because it is a night just for the two of them, and it does sort of take up a date format, except instead of romance it’s just them picking apart small concepts and big ideas and reminiscing about the old days and making up new dreams for the future, now that they’ve achieved most of their old ones.
Before they go, Seokjin pops his head out of his room, and asks Yoongi if he’d like to watch another episode of the drama they’ve been bingeing together.
Yoongi tugs at Namjoon’s arm, beginning to lead him away. “Sorry, Hyung. Date night.”)
Namjoon takes a second to blink at his obliviousness. It really has been blatant this whole time.
Endearment
Surely he and Yoongi don’t call each other jagi or sweetie . Namjoon laughs at the thought of them piling on the honeyed words, then pauses. They don’t do that, right?
(“Baby, can you hand me that?” Namjoon asks. He’s gotten into the habit of using the English word recently, probably uses it too much if the way Yoongi scrunches his face is any indication.)
(“Yes, baby!” Namjoon’s voice comes through loud as he reaches an epiphany. Yoongi grins at him, hands still hovering over the mixing board where he was messing with a few beats. They work so well together, sometimes. Yoongi can go into the song and find the thing that Namjoon knew was missing but didn’t know how to look for.)
(“Come here, Joon-ah,” Yoongi’s voice is soft as he picks a stray leaf out of Namjoon’s hair. His hands are soft, too, gentle and guiding. A lot of people call Namjoon Joon , but the way Yoongi says it, in his gruff, fond little baritone, it hits somewhere else in his chest.)
Intimacy
Namjoon thinks it’s impossible to know oneself, let alone another person. But he thinks that Yoongi is probably as close as he can come to that knowing.
It’s probably from their decade of working, struggling, living and breathing together.
Yoongi seems to be able to anticipate Namjoon’s mood before he enters into it. He seems to anticipate Namjoon’s every whim, too. They work so well together because they don’t even need to explain their issues fully, because even when they’re halfway through their sentence, the other is moving to fix it.
Namjoon, in turn, knows Yoongi’s tells, knows the imperceptible shifts in his expression, even when he’s trying to keep a straight face. He can read Yoongi like a book, or easier, because in a book you have to search through the pages for understanding, but with Yoongi he can just look into his eyes and tell.
Celebration
(Namjoon grins as he holds up his hand, “Hyung and I have known each other for seven years, you think I don’t know when he’s cheating at cards?”)
( “You were the one who left the freezer open? Honestly, you’d think you’d know a man after eight years of living together,” Yoongi shakes his head, betrayed.)
(“We’ve been living together for nine years,” Yoongi says to the interviewer smugly as everyone else rolls their eyes.)
Namjoon thinks about all of the songs they’ve written together. Thinks about the small moments, the all-night brainstorming over a few meagre lines in a soon-to-be-disregarded B-side. Or the larger ones, the ones that they poured their thoughts and hearts and souls into. Spring day. Strange. Respect.
He thinks about how that must look, the way they, as artists, profess their admiration for each other in their work. The way they wrote a whole song together about a “higher concept than love.”
Namjoon muffles a groan in his hands, and a passing woman gives him a strange look. The others were right: from the outside it looks obvious. Even when they were deciding the subunits for Map of the Soul, everyone thought it was obvious that Namjoon and Yoongi should do one.
Touch
(Namjoon’s palm on the small of Yoongi’s back at awards shows. An arm around the back of his chair at restaurants.)
(Holding hands just because Yoongi loves it in private. The link of their fingers in public, a brief, quiet thing. Not unnoticed.)
(Leaning into each other, naturally. Because that’s the way they work, have worked, for years.)
(And as for the kissing. Well, it seems they’ve been doing that all along.)
Even now, Namjoon can feel a phantom touch in all the places where Yoongi usually touches him. At his wrist, the nape of his neck, the inside of his thigh, close to his knee. Comforting touches. Casual. He’s never counted them up, but he wonders how many of them one could observe in a day.
It doesn’t come rushing down on him, the realisation. Of this he’s thankful, but it’s still no less overwhelming.
He’s replaying his relationship with Yoongi in his head. All of the quiet, sincere moments. All of the times where he’s thought You are the most important person in my life .
He thinks about Seokjin’s theory. The one about hidden feelings and Freudian kisses. He thinks some more. He feels some more. Until his toes, even in his shoes, are becoming numb like his fingers, until the sky has darkened enough for the streetlights to come on.
It’s then that he receives the text.
MYG: I think we might have actually been in a relationship this whole time
He breathes. In. Out. Yoongi knows him. They know each other. They operate on the same wavelength.
KNJ: i think you might be right
MYG: want to go for a drink later?
KNJ: like
KNJ: a date?
A pause. Namjoon realises that that is completely not what Yoongi was implying.
MYG: just a drink
MYG: until we figure it out
So that’s it. A message. Yoongi isn’t opposed to it either. Yoongi has come to a similar conclusion. That they might be dating, and he doesn’t want to lose what they have. Not without a discussion, at least.
He’s about to say yes, when he realises just how tired he is. He barely got any sleep the night before, and certainly not in the last week. It’s somewhat disappointing, but he remembers Seokjin reminding him that it’s not an emergency, they don’t need to figure it out right away. He needs a little more time to get his head back on straight to see if, well, he’d like to be not straight with Yoongi.
He tells as much to Yoongi, and gets a driver to pick him up at the entrance to the park. He almost falls asleep in the car, but makes it up to their front door without embarrassing himself. When he gets inside, and starts fumbling to get his coat off with weak fingers, there’s suddenly warm, strong hands helping him out. For a muddled moment, he thinks it’s Yoongi, but then turns to find Jungkook hanging up his coat and scarf for him.
Jungkook smiles at him, and pulls him by the arm towards the stairs. “Come on, Yoongi-hyung said you needed to sleep.”
“Yoongi-” Namjoon cuts himself off, looks around and just catches a glimpse of Yoongi, small on the couch in the sitting room. “Oh.”
Jungkook smiles sympathetically, he’s always been emotionally intelligent, able to tell when Namjoon doesn’t need words flung at him, just needs quiet. Namjoon tries to tell him as much, but his voice is so drowsy that he isn’t sure Jungkook understands.
He finds himself in bed in the next five minutes, light turned off and the door closed over until only a crack of light remains. Before he drifts off, he receives another text, the notification lighting up his room briefly.
MYG: sleep well, Joon-ah <3
♡
Namjoon wakes early, earlier than usual. It’s only once he’s yawning and out of bed, toes scrunching on the cold floor of his bedroom, that he remembers why he got such a long sleep. All of the events of the day before.
It’s a lot, as it comes rushing back to him, and he winces away from the feeling. Instead of thinking about it, he shuffles over to his window and opens the blinds. It’s just before sunrise, but the sky is already a weak, milky grey; he won’t be able to admire the dawn today.
He watches the horizon for a few minutes, still hoping for a few rays to split the clouds, but when the light does appear it’s muted, fuzzy. It rained the night before, puddles on the pavement below. When he cracks the window open, the air smells fresh, dewy, but still thick with the expectation of more showers later. He doesn’t mind. He’s always liked the rain.
He finds a hoodie and his slippers, then trudges out into the living space. It’s too cold and early for food, so he turns on the coffee machine, picks out one of the sweeter concoctions. He’s glad that no one else is awake, it gives him a little more time to think, to feel, to process.
He takes the mug to the window, steals a cushion from the couch so he can sit back against the wall. After a moment, he gets up again, rummages through his bag until he finds what he’s looking for.
His feet are still cold, but the coffee is hot enough, and his brain slowly begins to wake as pen hits paper. He doesn’t know how long he spends buried in his notebook, but he knows that the others begin to wake and come and go. At some point someone hands him a bowl of something warm and he wolfs it down, only for Hoseok to threaten to confiscate his pen if he doesn’t get showered and ready to go in five minutes.
He doesn’t see Yoongi until they’re bundled into a car together. Namjoon on one end, then Jimin, then Yoongi.
Yoongi always looks softer in the morning. But today Namjoon’s eyes catch on his fluffy hair, the corners of his mouth, the soft pink of his nose from their brief walk outside to get to the car.
He doesn’t speak, but he watches Namjoon back. Eyes curious, probably assessing him in the same way. They’re seeing each other in a new light.
Jimin is purposefully loud this morning, he keeps throwing himself all over the place, one hand on Namjoon’s thigh, grounding, the other reaching out to play with Yoongi’s hair, teasing him out of his quiet state.
It’s a welcome distraction, and Namjoon sinks into it. He looks away from Yoongi for fear of blurting out something ridiculous. He hasn’t managed to sort through all of his emotions yet, though he’s doing much better, he thinks. There’s still a few things to pick up, to sort out. To put back into the same place with new labels. His notebook feels heavy in his bag, filled with words that even he hasn’t processed yet.
When they get to the building, and bundle into the elevator together, the back of Yoongi’s hand brushes against his. Quiet and brief. Namjoon’s heart jumps into his throat.
It feels like the way he felt when his crush at school noticed him for the first time.
It feels significant, and Yoongi’s eyes on him do too. Not just in the elevator, but the whole way through the gruelling dance practice they’re subjected to before lunch.
After a quick meal, and showers, thankfully, they’re pushed into a costume fitting, where the designers tut over his measurements changing so fast. Hoseok and Jungkook tease him as he stares bashfully at the floor while someone squeezes his biceps.
When he looks up into the mirror, Yoongi is already watching, lips parted minutely, eyes kind of hazy. That thrill runs through Namjoon again.
Quietly, he builds up confidence once more. They have a meeting about their schedule, and he lets his hand briefly rest against Yoongi’s back as they walk in. For fear of not being able to pay attention, he doesn’t sit next to Yoongi, but still has to try hard not to focus on the way Yoongi’s fingers are tapping out a new beat on the table. Silent, but as Namjoon watches, it changes, grows more complex. Yoongi’s other hand twitches and Namjoon realises it’s a chord.
He’s inspired. Yoongi is inspired.
That, to Namjoon, is a good sign.
It’s nice to watch, too.
It’s always an experience to see Yoongi when he’s in his element, the music vibrating through his body like a wild thing. Electricity under his skin. Namjoon has never quite got used to the feeling. Yoongi always blows him away.
They have a short break after the meeting before they go in for more dance rehearsal, and Yoongi disappears instantly to his studio. Someone gives Namjoon a look, follow him . But Namjoon just smiles, shakes his head.
They don’t interact properly again until after they’re dismissed, and the members make an obvious, messy effort to scramble into the other cars and leave Namjoon and Yoongi alone by the entrance. One car between them.
Yoongi opens the door for Namjoon, a teasing smile on his face, and Namjoon laughs, ducking in and shuffling over so there’s enough room in the back seat for Yoongi to slide in after him.
The space between them feels loud, but Namjoon isn't hurt by it. He thinks, excitedly, that this is what he can look forward to crossing, if he and Yoongi do take this in the direction he thinks they're going.
"Did you get the song down?" Namjoon asks after a moment. Yoongi stills, smiles. He doesn't take his gaze away from the window. Namjoon wants to see his eyes but he thinks it might be overwhelming.
"Yeah," Yoongi says, "The beat isn't quite right, yet, but I've got most of the piano in."
Namjoon smiles, feels something open up inside him.
"What's it about," he asks, somewhat cheekily.
Yoongi pulls a face. "What's yours about?"
Touché.
Namjoon could say it. Could be brave and lay it out aloud. But there's something about where they are, what's already not been said. He thinks he can wait a little longer, be patient.
So he doesn't say " It's about us, " or " It's about discovering something that was always there. " He just hums. "Do you want to get food?"
Yoongi finally turns, grins at him, still shy but emboldened by their exchange. Something in his eye twinkles, and Namjoon thinks about what kissing him would feel like.
"Like a date?" Yoongi asks, teasing.
Namjoon shrugs, keeps quiet. Yoongi gives him one more private, knowing look, then leans forward to ask the driver to swing by somewhere nice.
They don’t have the energy or the security to go to a restaurant, so they pull up outside a takeaway place in their neighbourhood. Namjoon already knows Yoongi’s favourite on the menu, but he asks anyway, and then calls ahead to order.
It's once their driver has gotten out to pick up their food, that Yoongi turns to Namjoon. "We should talk about it, shouldn't we?"
"Probably," Namjoon says. "Or we could just, I don't know, do our own thing." He knows they need to have the conversation, but he’s content to wait a little while longer.
"Do our own thing?" Yoongi catches his tongue in his teeth. Even after a long day of working hard, he looks ethereal, comfortable. Namjoon wants to tug him close, bury his face in Yoongi's hair and wrap his arms around Yoongi's torso.
Instead, he reaches his arm out over the empty seat between them. Palm up, fingers curled slightly, inviting.
Yoongi eyes it, lips slightly pursed out in the way they do when he’s trying to resist something. "This is unfair.”
Namjoon just hums, and pointedly looks away. It does mean that he doesn't get to see when Yoongi finally, tentatively, threads their fingers together. But he can still relish in the way their grips tighten. In the comforting pressure of palm against palm.
They must have held hands hundreds of times before, but this time feels poignant, feels new. Still, there's that same comfort to it, an ease that Namjoon has with Yoongi and no one else.
They sit like that in silence for a while, and it should be awkward, but it isn't. After a few minutes, Namjoon takes out his phone and begins to scroll through social media, liking things here and there. When he looks over, Yoongi has his eyes closed, head tipped back against the headrest.
Namjoon is almost tempted to ask him if he wants to use his lap as a pillow, but he holds back, knowing that their driver will be back soon. And sure enough a minute later she emerges, grinning, with a bag full of steaming boxes of take-out.
Letting go of Yoongi's hand hurts, in a dull way. Like the action was soothing an ache that Namjoon didn't know was there, and the loss of contact brings it back. He ignores it though, tries not to confuse all his feelings again. That would only lead to disaster.
They’re silent for the drive back to their place, Namjoon watches the streetlamps pass by and feels a melody take shape under his words from the morning. Across from him, Yoongi seems to be thinking, too.
Namjoon wanted to find a place to eat outside, but it’s raining, so the two of them rush indoors, Namjoon’s torso hunched over the boxes of food to protect them, the heat warming his chest.
When they make it inside, the others are terribly obvious in their scramble to get out of the main living space. Namjoon thinks he hears Jungkook whine out a “You didn’t get me any?” before Jimin silences him. Hoseok has both of his eyes flicking between the both of them, like he’s trying to figure out what happened between them in their absence.
Namjoon bites his lip, refuses to give them anything. They can suffer, they’ve made him and Yoongi suffer enough in the past two days.
Putting the food on the dining table feels too formal for Namjoon, so instead he takes the cartons to the coffee table while Yoongi heads into the kitchen to get them drinks. Out of the corner of his eye he can see Taehyung lingering in the hallway, pretending to be on his phone but eyes obviously on Yoongi’s retreating back.
They eat in silence, which was kind of unintentional, but nice, still. The other members keep popping in and out of the rooms, so Namjoon doesn’t feel particularly inclined to start the Big Conversation that probably needs to be had at some point. Instead, he just puts some music on the speakers and sits down next to Yoongi, maybe half a foot between them.
There seems to have been no particular point in that, because they end up slowly getting closer to one another over the course of the meal. Minute shifts as Yoongi reaches for some sauce, or Namjoon stretches out his muscles, sore from a long day of practice. Namjoon is again reminded of a tentative high-school crush. A silent acknowledgement of the elephant in the room.
They end up pressed together, beginning at the knee, running up their thighs. The temptation to put an arm around Yoongi’s waist and tug him somehow closer is almost overwhelming, but Namjoon stays put. He doesn’t want to disturb anything. Doesn’t want to make anything obvious to the others before they’ve made it obvious to themselves.
But he does allow himself one small luxury, when the coast is clear once they’re done eating. He gathers up all the empty boxes and feels a sudden rush of bravery as he stands. He doesn’t let himself think, just leans down swiftly to kiss Yoongi squarely on the cheek.
He doesn’t look back as he takes the cartons to the kitchen, but he can feel Yoongi’s surprised gaze on him. When he makes it to his room, cheeks pink and heart full, the words come out and onto the page like a waterfall.
♡
Namjoon isn’t surprised when Yoongi knocks on his bedroom door that night. In fact, he sees his shadow hesitating there, blocking the light of the hallway, long before Yoongi manages to convince himself to actually knock. He doesn’t wait for an answer, though, just waits long enough for Namjoon to hide anything incriminating before he opens the door just wide enough for him to slip through, closing it behind him with a soft click that makes Namjoon wince.
Namjoon likes to sleep with his curtains cracked open, and some of the light from Seoul’s orange night sky filters through the window, providing enough to shadow Yoongi’s face. He looks like he doesn’t know what to do next.
Namjoon takes the initiative and pulls back the covers, finding space for Yoongi on the other side of the bed. “Want to sleep here, hyung?” he asks, acting like it’s not weird at all for the two of them.
Yoongi doesn’t say a word just pads over and climbs in. He’s breathing shallow, quiet enough that Namjoon knows he’s overthinking everything just like he is. Once they’re settled down side by side, an even foot between them under the covers, Namjoon exhales.
“It doesn’t have to be a big deal,” he says to the dark ceiling.
“I know,” Yoongi hums after a moment, “I’ve been telling myself the opposite, though.”
“Really?” Namjoon laughs all of a sudden, can’t contain it, he’s had this conversation with his brain all day, and here Yoongi is going in the opposite direction. “What’s wrong with it not being a big deal?”
“It’s us,” Yoongi says, “It’s Bangtan, and it’s us. We’re a big deal, like it or not.”
Namjoon purses his lips, “You’re thinking about the large scale.”
Namjoon has been trying to focus on the smaller things. Thinking about the shape of Yoongi’s hands on the piano, holding a spoon as he brings it to Namjoon’s lips for a taste. About how pretty his lips look when he smiles, for whatever the reason. About how he could be the cause of Yoongi’s happiness for longer than he ever anticipated.
“I’m trying to,” Yoongi agrees, “I’m trying to convince myself it’s a bad idea.”
“Oh,” Namjoon catches his tongue between his teeth. Yoongi has more to say, and he should hear it.
“I haven’t dated in so long,” Yoongi continues, “Because I was busy, and because I was working towards my dreams, and because I thought that I could date when it was over, that I didn’t need someone close to me right now.”
Namjoon doesn’t say aloud how he felt the same. Yoongi knows.
“And it’s stupid to think I’d have time or sense or energy to be able to romance someone now. Stupid to disregard the effects it would have on my career. But there’s a problem with that logic,” Yoongi says, voice gruff and low and familiar and strange all at once. “And the problem seems to be you, Namjoon-ah.”
“What did I do?”
“We’ve practically been in a relationship this whole time, and as surprised as I was to be told that,” Yoongi huffs, “I don’t want to let it go.”
“You mean…” Namjoon trails off. “You mean you want to try it for real?”
He knew that, from their little moments over the past two days. But hearing it said aloud throws it into a new light. Brings everything forward that was previously lurking on the horizon.
“I do,” Yoongi confirms, because he always says and does things that he’s one hundred percent certain of. “I’ve been thinking about it, and I can’t really find a proper argument against a relationship. A real one, this time.”
A silence hangs between them, then, thick and weighted. Namjoon supposes that this is usually the part where he has to confess, too. But Yoongi knows already. He always understands Namjoon like that.
He turns his head to look at Yoongi, can see in the darkness the shape of his eyes and nose and lips. Pretty lips. Lips he’s kissed before, would like to kiss again.
“Hyung,” Namjoon whispers, lips feeling heavy, somehow, “Hyung, can I touch you?”
Yoongi seems to breathe in, breathe out. His hands come up to clasp gently around Namjoon’s wrist, fingers closing one by one as though pressing a new chord on the piano keys. “Of course, Joon-ah,” he murmurs into the night.
Namjoon hesitates for a moment, and Yoongi lets out a small huff of breath, smile half-cocked. “Come here,” he says, voice always so low and entertained, fingers tugging Namjoon closer by the arm until Namjoon has no choice but to rearrange all his limbs around Yoongi.
Yoongi’s eyes crinkle in the corners when he’s fond, when he’s content. Namjoon knows this from ten years of watching him, revolving around him. “Hyung,” he lets out, unwitting. “Hello.”
“Hello,” Yoongi breathes, mouth twitching in humour. Namjoon can’t help but match his smile even as Yoongi leans up closer and Namjoon sways away instinctively. “What?” Yoongi asks, “You can kiss me without realising but as soon as it’s a conscious choice, you duck away?”
Namjoon feels hot all over, and Yoongi’s face is so close, his lips are so close. “Sorry,” he says, breathes, more like, too scared to speak too loud. “Sorry, I just-”
“I get it,” Yoongi says, turning so he can look at Namjoon at an angle, rather than straight on. “I get you, that’s the point, right?”
That’s why they’re dating, that’s why they’re in love, probably.
“Are we in love?” Namjoon suddenly asks, feeling Yoongi’s hand tighten on his wrist quickly.
“Shit, Joon,” Yoongi curses, “You can’t just ask things like that.”
“No?” Namjoon asks, feeling put out, “But what’s the answer?” He can already feel his mind reeling, and really, they should have gone out for a drink, because maybe if he was drunk he’d not be so aware of the way Yoongi’s torso is pressed up against his, of the way Yoongi’s skin is warm warm warm, except for his fingers, which seem to be inexplicably cold, always.
Namjoon twists his arm in Yoongi’s grip and manages to find his hand, interlinking them until Yoongi’s cold knuckles are pressed against his own.
“Does it matter?” Yoongi mutters, staring at their entwined hands. “Do we have to work it out?”
Namjoon feels the twisting, tumbling things inside him somehow become more confusing, “Hyung, you know how much you mean to me.”
Yoongi’s eyes flutter closed. “Evidently I didn’t.”
“But you must have known before,” Namjoon shakes his head, “my world revolves around you, Hyung, it has for ten years, now.”
A pause, Namjoon counts fifteen breaths and fifteen strokes of his thumb over Yoongi’s palm.
“Ten years,” Yoongi grins eventually, “Shit.”
“Shit, yeah,” Namjoon agrees.
“That’s a long time,” Yoongi continues, “That’s more than a third of our lives.”
“And for more than a third of our lives, my world has revolved around you,” Namjoon says.
“Shut up,” Yoongi says, turns his head, leans forward, and kisses Namjoon. Straightforward as that. A single beat and then away.
“Oh,” Namjoon lets out, feeling lightheaded. He can barely remember the way Yoongi’s lips felt, that’s how quick it was. He wants to lean back in to learn but his mind is all muddled.
“Sorry,” Yoongi says, sounding sheepish and kind of scared but most of all pleased. “I wanted to get it over with.”
“No, no,” Namjoon smiles, “That was good, thank you.” They both know that if that hadn’t been done they’d both have waited another month, minimum, to initiate anything again. “Can I have another one?”
Yoongi doesn’t deign to answer him verbally, just leans forward and kisses him again, softer, this time. Just as sure, but also as tentative. Like he knows what he wants but not how to go about it.
It’s awkward for a moment, both of them finding their ground, but then Yoongi’s lips part, and Namjoon tilts his head just right, and they’re gone.
Namjoon has always liked kissing, likes the intimacy, the easy comfort, the way he knows where he can put his hands, how he can please his partner. But for some reason, kissing Yoongi feels like new territory.
Of course it’s new territory. But it still seems familiar. Still feels like Yoongi. Except all his boundaries have been redrawn in their earlier revelation, so Namjoon finds himself hesitant to rest his free hand on Yoongi’s waist. That is until Yoongi takes the initiative and grabs it, placing it firmly against his hip.
There’s a strip of skin where Yoongi’s hoodie has ridden up, soft under Namjoon’s little finger. He holds his breath against the kiss for a moment, too absorbed in the feel of it.
“Nothing you haven’t seen before,” Yoongi grumbles against his lips, hand coming up to cup Namjoon’s cheek, firm and grounding. Namjoon’s hand tightens on Yoongi’s torso. “Joon-ah, this isn’t a big deal.”
And - he’s right. It isn’t a big deal at all. It really isn’t.
It’s just Namjoon and Yoongi. Yoongi and Namjoon. Going forth into uncharted waters like they always have. It’s just a kiss. And they’ve kissed before.
It’s just them, alone in a room. Like they’ve been alone writing lyrics, eating, sleeping, living for years. All seven of them but also just the two. Boiling down to them together, dreaming big and then achieving bigger.
“I love you,” Namjoon says, pulling back half an inch to say it again. “I love you.”
Yoongi’s lips are slick and reddened. His eyes are hooded and his hand is gripping Namjoon’s so tightly that he thinks he’ll get pins and needles.
“Say that again,” Yoongi frowns.
Namjoon furrows his eyebrows but repeats it nonetheless, watching Yoongi bring their hands up to press against his chest.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” Yoongi says, “I just, felt it, you know?”
Namjoon narrows his eyes, tries to understand. “Uh, no?”
“Kim Namjoon,” Yoongi looks him straight in the eyes, “I love you.”
And there it is. A little flutter from his chest down to his belly, painful, kind of. Strange, like that sudden moment of weightlessness before a fall, suspended in the air.
“Ah, I see,” Namjoon breathes. “Maybe we actually are in love.”
“Maybe,” Yoongi bites his lip, “Fuck, this is so weird.”
“Yeah,” Namjoon’s smile has taken over his face. “This might be too soon to say, but I like it.”
“Me too,” Yoongi shakes his head, leans back in.
They lose themselves in this kiss. It's somehow hotter and more sincere than the one before. Namjoon can’t wait for all their future kisses, can’t wait for all the future feelings Yoongi will bring him.
They kiss for a long time, soft and hard and warm and dissolved completely in each other. At some point, Yoongi ends up on top, hands either side of Namjoon’s head, sucking warm love bites down his neck. “ Is this too much?” he sighs against Namjoon’s skin, weight distributed against his torso. “ Is it enough?”
Namjoon loves the shape of him, the weight of him, the way they seem so in sync already about this, even if they’ve only realised this about themselves in the last day or so.
He tries to give as good as he gets, slotting his thigh in between Yoongi’s, a gentle pressure. His hand almost spans Yoongi’s waist and he delights in the way Yoongi lets out a shudder at the feeling.
Eventually, though, it gets to a point where they have to either stop or continue, and Namjoon doesn’t think he’s ready to take it that far yet.
“Can we sleep?” He asks, even though it’s already the early hours of the morning. “We should sleep, right?”
Yoongi agrees, promptly flopping off Namjoon, landing closer than he does when they usually sleep together. Because of course this is different to all the other times. This is post-revelation. This is Namjoon and Yoongi in a new light, this is-
“Good, right?” Yoongi is asking.
“Good,” Namjoon repeats dumbly. “For sure.”
Yoongi brings Namjoon’s lax arm up and behind his neck, shuffling in closer so he can wrap his own over Namjoon’s torso.
“I love you,” Namjoon says, because he wants to feel the way Yoongi shivers from it.
“Whatever,” Yoongi grunts, “You won’t be able to use that against me forever.”
“I’ll find something else, then, if we’ve got forever,” Namjoon smiles. He kisses the top of Yoongi’s head, his hair smelling faintly of citrus, and closes his eyes, content.
♡
Their relationship sticks. And it grows, and it blooms. Namjoon loves, and is loved. And he was loved before, he knows, but there’s something more about it now. Something tangible, moving forwards, upwards, inwards.
He wishes he could put it into a song, but he’s written a hundred songs about his life and never quite managed to get it all down into the music, always felt like part of the message is lost, somehow, between his brain and the final product. And he’s never truly disliked that. If he could put all of his feelings into one song, then he wouldn’t have anything left to give to the world.
Still, sometimes, he wants to write an epic ballad for Yoongi, for the seven of them, really, but with Yoongi at the core, winding around the beats and melodies of the others, tethering Namjoon.
But of course, for now, Namjoon can only continue to put snippets of Yoongi in his songs, leave footprints of their relationship, hints and tributes to their journey. Moments shared between them turned into music, just as the music has made their moments, immortalized their precious
Time.
They take their time, that which they can grab alone, but also with the seven of them, too. Their relationship isn’t just the two of them, much as Yoongi pretends to complain. It’s all of them.
It’s appearing together out of Namjoon’s room the morning after they kissed all night, Jungkook spotting them and letting out a loud whoop as he races down the hallway so he can witness the reactions of the others when they see.
It’s Namjoon with his head on Yoongi’s shoulder, watching Hoseok record his part for their next song, feeling his fond gaze on the two of them as they continue to make suggestions about the track.
It’s Jimin somehow wrangling them a few hours free from their schedule on Christmas Day to spend together. “Alone,” he confirms, “It’s a couples holiday, you better start acting like it.”
It’s Taehyung acting like their personal bodyguard and photographer and cheerleader all wrapped up in one. When Namjoon fusses over which blurry selfie with Yoongi he can send to his mother, Taehyung appears at his side, several options already edited and ready.
It’s thanking Seokjin for helping him get through the day when they found out, him laughing, ears embarrassed and pink. “Ah,” he says eventually, softly, “Namjoon-ah, you would have made it without us. You and Yoongi, you’re made of something else.”
It’s the seven of them, really. And Namjoon still gets teary eyed at breakfast about it, despite knowing all he’ll get from it is teasing and cheek squishes and Yoongi’s soft-eyed
Endearment.
Namjoon has taken to calling Yoongi honey, or baby around the house. At first it started as a joke, when someone let out a loud cry of protest when Yoongi jokingly called out Jagi-ya when asking Namjoon to get something from the top shelf for him.
It evolved into slow things, a “good morning, honey” when they’re both waking hazily, tangled in the sheets. The English baby stuck too. Namjoon has become somewhat attached to it and the way it makes Yoongi grin, faced all scrunched up. He likes the way Yoongi sticks to Joon-ah , likes the feeling it ignites within him. Something like love, something like trust, something like
Intimacy.
Namjoon thought that after they got together, their relationship would change accordingly. That some huge changes would occur between them. Of course it’s true, but largely in the longer, broader sense.
The future seems less uncertain with Yoongi next to him, filling in all the gaps that Namjoon didn’t know were there. Namjoon now, when he thinks about becoming a father, imagines Yoongi holding the other hand of their child. When he dreams of moving to the countryside, he thinks of what furniture Yoongi would pick out.
But other than that, Namjoon has realised that their relationship is just their friendship from before. But warmer, somehow. With kisses and more hand holding and feeling safe, feeling wrapped up in a cocoon. With beginning to learn about all the parts of each other that were closed off before.
It’s nice, certainly. A little terrifying sometimes. Especially as they only found out they were dating recently, they’re still crossing some hurdles from friends into lovers and then back again in front of the cameras.
The others help, as well as teasing them silly. Namjoon considers himself so lucky that he has the six of them. He doesn’t know where he’d be without them, but right now he doesn’t think about that, just pulls them closer, his own form of
Celebration.
Oh, they celebrate. Quiet and loud in turn. But quiet, mostly. It’s more them, despite the fame and the fortune and the glory. Most of the time they’re just Yoongi and Namjoon, and Jimin and Hoseok and Taehyung and Seokjin and of course Jungkook. Seven best friends trying to make music and get through life and its complexities.
“Joon-ah,” Yoongi turns on the couch until he’s leaning sideways against Namjoon’s chest, Namjoon’s arm flung across his torso. “How long have we been together?”
Namjoon shrugs, small so as not to dislodge Yoongi, the other man still takes the opportunity to burrow closer, warm and solid. “Is this a test?”
“I’m trying to decide when our anniversary is,” Yoongi says, “Have we been together for ten years, or just a couple of months?”
Namjoon laughs, full bellied, and Yoongi’s head slips down to his lap. Yoongi looks uncomfortable for a moment before he adjusts and sinks into the feeling of Namjoon’s fingers in his hair. “I don’t know, Hyung, I haven’t really thought about it.”
Yoongi gives him a knowing look. “I’m asking you now, though.”
Namjoon sighs, lends his head back so he’s staring at the ceiling. “Maybe we can have two anniversaries,” he says, hand still carding through Yoongi’s hair. “Like how married couples get a second, more official one.”
“Huh,” Yoongi says, having found Namjoon’s other hand. He’s linking their fingers together, running the back of his nail over Namjoon’s palm. “So I could buy you flowers twice a year.”
Namjoon flushes at the thought of being brought flowers. “The dates are barely a week apart, Hyung. The first ones won’t have wilted before you have to buy me more.”
Yoongi ignores him, eyes on Namjoon’s nose, no doubt pink.
“And when we get married,” he says, like it doesn’t make Namjoon make an embarassing noise and freeze up, “when we get married, we’ll have three anniversaries. That’s a lot of flowers, Joon-ah.”
“You don’t have to buy me flowers, Hyung,” Namjoon says, he tries to free his hands to cover his face, but Yoongi already has him by the wrists.
“I want to,” Yoongi says, straight faced, now. “I’m in this for the long haul, Joon-ah, you know that.”
Almost a year later, Namjoon wakes to a bouquet of overflowing yellow sitting on his side table. A splash of pigment against a grey November sky. When he turns to look at his boyfriend, Yoongi is fast asleep, arm outstretched, waiting for Namjoon to take it. All he has to do is reach out and
Touch.
They kiss, and they kiss a lot. And Namjoon’s favourite thing about these kisses is that he can savour them, remember them. He can pull Yoongi in for another, and he can taste the sweetness of his lips, or kiss the taste of coffee away. Yoongi likes kissing almost as much as Namjoon does, which is delightful. Especially when the others walk in on them and make loud, disgusted noises.
They hold hands, too. Namjoon feels like Yoongi has a quota for handholding time in a day. Though they’re limited in places they can do it - in dark corners at the company and in the back of vans, Seokjin’s shoulders shielding them from view. At night, when they sleep, they end up wrapped around each other, fingers entwined so naturally that sometimes Namjoon gets up to go to the bathroom and has to carefully free himself from Yoongi’s grip.
And there are other things they do at night together. Things Namjoon had never thought he’d ever do with Yoongi. So much so that he was surprised when they got that far, much to Yoongi’s amusement.
Sex with Yoongi is simultaneously overwhelming and absolutely makes sense. It’s been a long time since Namjoon got laid, and it’s a lot, to have another body against his, to be responsible for someone else’s pleasure like that.
But it’s also inconsequential, really. He feels no pressure as Yoongi smiles at him, hands drifting down Namjoon’s torso. He feels little anxiety as they both shed their clothes, exposing more skin. All skin that they’ve seen before, just in a new light. Namjoon presses kisses to Yoongi’s chest and revels in the privilege. Yoongi tugs at his hair and wraps one leg around Namjoon’s thigh and lets out little breathy noises, holding back.
“You sound so good, Hyung,” Namjoon gets out, distracted by his tongue against Yoongi’s nipple. “Could write you into a song.”
“You’re awful,” Yoongi says, half a laugh, half an affected whine. “Why haven’t we been doing this for ten years?”
“I’m not sure I would have survived doing this for ten years with you,” Namjoon’s voice simmers out into a moan as Yoongi tugs him closer. “Would have had to retire early.”
Sex with Yoongi feels, as cliche as it is, like a puzzle being completed. Sex isn’t, and has never been, necessary to their relationship. But it feels natural and good and solid and achingly soft. Namjoon’s lips are desperate but gentle against skin, tongue, sweat. Yoongi’s fingernails are sharp on his back, clutching and coveting, pulling him close and then somehow even closer.
It’s right, another piece of them sliding together, enough to create a bigger picture, to reveal more of them to be seen, to be explored.
But the after of it, the moments when they’re just lying together, satiated and smiling, arms slung over each other, the after of it, that’s what Namjoon finds he likes the best. The way Yoongi smiles, soft and kind of glowy, tensions drained from him for the time being.
In that time, Namjoon can run his fingers in slow patterns over Yoongi’s skin, he can press small kisses to usually hidden parts of him. He can run Yoongi a bath and gently tug him out of bed and over until they can slide in together and let the heat dissolve them both even further.
It’s not the sex, Namjoon finds, but the closeness, the sheer knowledge and feeling of them together, that brings him so much content.
That’s why Namjoon can’t take the great big grin off his face once they’ve dragged themselves out of bed after a hazy hour of morning sex and being buried in the sheets, tangled together. Yoongi tells him off for smiling so hard as they make their way down the hallway, but he’s wearing Namjoon’s hoodie, and has Namjoon’s arm over his shoulders.
They slot together so well. As they have learned to do over the last decade. As they hope to do for the next, and the ones after that, too.
♡
Re-spect 말 그대로 보고 자꾸 보는 거
"Re-spect" means as it sounds, to literally look again and again
자꾸 보다보면은 단점이 보여
Look again and again and you'll see faults
But 그럼에도 자꾸 보고 싶단 건
But, the fact that you nonetheless want to keep looking
필요하지 그 누구를 향한 완벽한 신념
requires absolute faith in that someone
“Respect” - RM & Suga