Chapter Text
AJ opened their eyes and blinked. They felt cold and alone, the bed narrow, the room lighter than it should have been. Something wasn't right, but they couldn't put their finger on it until they looked down at the duvet. It was printed with dinosaurs on it, the duvet their mother had bought them when they'd turned ten and refused to replace as they'd gotten older. With this realisation came wakefulness, AJ's mind finally catching up, and quietly but insistently telling them that they weren't as alone as they'd thought. They went still, their heart in their mouth, their chest suddenly tight as they heard a whirr, then a loud click. The noise made AJ jump, panic causing their breath to quicken, their fear making it almost impossible for them to roll over.
Another click, another jolt, and AJ forced themself to turn, feeling nauseous when they saw the shape above them. The room seemed to grow lighter without any apparent reason, illuminating the terribly familiar face.
Gabriel smiled.
"Hello, Anthony," he purred, lifting the camera again. The flash went off this time and AJ blinked, instinctively shielding their eyes against the bright light. The camera fed the polaroid out from the slot, and Gabriel took it theatrically, waving it briefly before setting it down on the bed in front of AJ. "Pose for me, sexy, that's it," he grinned, and AJ shuddered, the terror gripping them in icy, iron clutches, bringing back flashes, scraps of memory. Phantom pains they didn't actively remember, but felt familiar. Emotions, the echo of a fear so intense they had to doubt they'd ever really felt it, although deep down, they knew they had.
Another click, another photo laid down beside the first.
"You look so grown up and mature," Gabriel went on, his voice low and sweet, so gentle, so alluring. "What a body you're growing into, hmm? Show it to me, baby. You could be a model."
AJ felt the tears pricking at the corners of their eyes and tried to sit up, but Gabriel stepped closer and they gasped, flinching away from him instinctively.
"No need to be afraid, baby, I'm just taking pictures," Gabriel soothed, although his smile was anything but comforting. "Just pictures. Who knows, maybe one day you'll be a superstar and they'll be worth something, huh?"
The tears spilled over and AJ looked down suddenly, at the pictures set out in front of them. A click, another picture, another photograph of them as a twelve-year-old, in exactly the same positions they'd just been in when Gabriel had pressed the button. AJ's eyes widened, their hand over their mouth, the tears pouring forth as they scrambled to sit up, sobbing and shaking, throwing themself back against the wall, as far away from Gabriel as they could get.
He grinned, tossed the camera aside, and pounced.
AJ tried to get away, tried to pull themself up and run, but they found themself once again frozen in fear, unable to do anything else but cry as Gabriel grabbed them and pushed them down onto the bed. His weight felt heavy over them, heavier than it should have, and when AJ opened their eyes, they saw him the way he had looked when they'd been sixteen.
He'd picked them up from a street corner on his way home from a fancy function, and he'd still been wearing his tux. The image was burned into AJ's mind, of him untying his bowtie in the back of the car, and they couldn't stop staring at it, their whole body shaking.
"You look cold, baby, do you want my coat?"
AJ squeezed their eyes shut, wanting to scream, wanting to shout the words they should have eight years ago, wanting to yell at the top of their lungs leave me alone! But their breath died on their lips, their tears soaking into the sheets in vain.
"There you go, all nice and toasty. Why don't you come here and sit on my lap?"
AJ sobbed softly, resigned to their fate, their eyes closed, their body limp, and felt Gabriel's hands. They moved slowly, but there was something entitled, possessive about the way he touched AJ's skin, their length, their balls. They squirmed, whimpering, but it was no use. Fingers prodded at their entrance, then one slipped inside, and AJ screamed.
Feeling came pouring back into their limbs and they finally struggled, shaking Gabriel's hand off them, kicking up and out, clawing at the mattress, nearly free, just one more-
The knife edge gleamed, Gabriel's eyes matching the evil, cold glint, his smile much less friendly. AJ's breath caught and that fear came flooding back, the impossible fear so strong they could no longer breathe. A shudder ran down their spine and Gabriel laughed.
"Worthless," he spat, pressing the tip of the knife down, digging it into the left side of their chest. "Worn-out, fat, stupid whore. I should have disposed of you a long time ago. Anything left to say?"
AJ just stared up at him, and the knife plunged.
AJ sat up abruptly, drenched in sweat and already sobbing in the dark, their face buried in their hands as their chest heaved. They felt movement beside them and nearly jumped out of their skin, but Ezra made a soft sleepy sound, reminding them it was him, their love, their partner. He stirred again, then suddenly scrambled up, and AJ was enveloped in his embrace, turning to cry against his chest, their whole body shaking and trembling, pain ripping through them with each heavy sob.
"Oh, sweetheart, I'm here, it's alright. I've got you, you're safe, my love," Ezra murmured frantically, leaning around them to flick the bedside lamp on, his hand sliding into their hair to cradle the back of their head. "Shhh, magpie. It's alright, try to breathe," he soothed, but AJ was already running out of steam. They felt numb more than anything, numb and shaky. Their chest ached, their body felt weak, and they simply didn't have the energy to keep crying.
Ezra grabbed at AJ tighter as they went limp, his breath quick and anxious, but he seemed to realise that they were still conscious and relaxed slightly. The world seemed heavy all of a sudden, pressing down on AJ, crushing them under its weight, and they fervently wished they could just have a break. Just for a day or two, even a few hours. A respite in which they didn't have to exist, they could shed their trauma and drift aimlessly into nowhere.
"I'm gonna make you a hot milk," Ezra mumbled sleepily, and AJ cried out in their mind, screaming at the top of their voice, begging him to stay. But they couldn't force their mouth to obey their brain, and they just watched forlornly as he slowly let go of them and moved to the edge of the bed. He donned his prosthesis deftly and slipped out of the room, leaving AJ feeling like a boat whose tether had been severed, left to float away with the current. They wanted to lay down, they wanted to sink into the blackness of sleep and not have to emerge for a good week, but they couldn't even focus their vision, let alone move. They just sat there, staring down at the sheets, motionless apart from the trembling.
AJ tried closing their eyes, but that was much, much worse. Polaroids, Gabriel, the glint of the knife, the sharp bite of humiliation, it was all too much, and they snapped their eyes open again hurriedly, struggling to get their breathing back under control.
The bedroom door swung open suddenly and AJ jumped violently, scrambling against the headboard, blind panic taking over, telling them to get as far away from the intruder as possible.
"Magpie, sweetheart, I've got some hot milk," Ezra announced softly, his voice uncertain and a little shaky. AJ had averted their gaze, hunching over defensively, staring fixedly at nothing, but they could hear his footsteps drawing closer, hesitantly. "It's got vanilla syrup," he tried, his tone pleading with them, desperate for them to acknowledge him, to give him one tiny sign that it wasn't him they were afraid of.
It took every ounce of their energy, but AJ slowly lifted their head, trembling as they met his soft, watery blue gaze, and nearly melted. He looked as terrified as they felt, although they knew he was scared for them, not for himself.
"There we go," he smiled, but it was wobbly, and as AJ watched, a tear escaped and rolled down his cheek, completely disregarded. "That's it," he went on in a soft, slightly hoarse voice, his unsteady smile widening. "It's alright. It was just a dream," he assured them, slowly moving closer and holding the steaming mug out in front of him like a sacred offering.
AJ blinked, but they still couldn't really move, their breathing quick and shallow as Ezra reached the bed and slowly, carefully sat down beside them. He set the mug in his lap, wrapping both hands around it, then looked at AJ.
"I don't know how to help you like this," he admitted very quietly, his cheeks flushed. "But I'm going to do my best, because I love you, and it breaks my heart to see you so frightened. Can you tell me what will help you?"
AJ closed their eyes for just a moment, feeling their energy seeping back very slowly, gathering up every little scrap they had left before meeting Ezra's gaze once more. "I can't move," they whispered, and he nodded slowly, clearly processing.
"Okay, sweetheart. I'm here, okay? Would you like a blanket?"
AJ managed a tiny nod, and Ezra quickly set the milk aside, grabbing their favourite blanket and draping it over their shoulders carefully. "There we go, try to breathe slow and deep, okay? I'm right here and I won't let anyone touch you, I swear," he murmured, moving a little closer to them. "Do you want a hug?"
AJ nodded again, and Ezra breathed a heavy sigh of relief, quickly pulling them into a tight embrace. Melting against him, AJ went limp again, their face buried in his neck, their body heavy against his softness. With his arms around them, they didn't have to be vigilant anymore, they didn't have to be afraid. He would protect them.
After a long while, Ezra sighed and gently began to pull at AJ's waist, his breathing sounding loud in the quiet room.
"Come on, sweetheart, lie down with me," he murmured, and AJ went willingly, allowing him to guide them and coax them up against his chest. They grabbed at him immediately, his soft voice washing over them as he tried to soothe them while their fingertips dug into his back desperately.
"Shhh, I won't ever let anything happen to you," Ezra promised quietly, and AJ managed a tiny nod, focusing on the feeling of his strong arms encircling their slender waist, protecting and holding them.
It was much easier to stay calm and relaxed with their body pressed up against Ezra's softness, but eventually, his breathing began to get slower and deeper, and AJ soon realised he'd fallen asleep.
Suddenly feeling rather alone, AJ reached over Ezra and grabbed their phone off the bedside table, finding an audio book quickly and setting it running quietly enough so it wouldn't disturb their sleeping partner. As soon as it began, AJ felt a lot better, less weighted down and more comfortable, having something else to focus on now besides their own thoughts. They snuggled closer to Ezra and gently clung to him, letting their mind drift off into the story while their body stayed firmly glued to their love.
For a while, AJ dozed in and out of that pink, pre-sleep fog, but they didn't dare fall asleep again, not completely. When it finally started to get properly light outside, Ezra began to stir, his arm tightening around AJ's waist once more.
He grunted softly, pressing his face into their hair briefly, then swore quietly and pulled away, looking down at them in frantic worry.
"AJ? Are you alright? I'm so sorry, I didn't mean-"
"It's fine," AJ mumbled, having to work quite hard to force the words out, tapping the pause button on their audio book.
"But I-"
This time, AJ didn't reply, just silently pressing themself up against Ezra, sliding their arms around him and clinging on. Ezra trailed off uncertainly and AJ closed their eyes again as he hugged them tightly, turning to kiss the side of their head.
"How about some breakfast?" He asked after a long, long silence, his fingers curling in AJ's hair. They still felt too tired to respond, so they simply didn't answer him, curling up a little more, their body fitting perfectly against their partner's. Ezra let out a long, worried sigh.
"Alright, sweetheart. I'm going to go make some because I'm starving, okay? You can stay here and rest, I won't be long, I promise," he murmured at last, and AJ gripped onto him tighter, letting out a tiny whimper as he tried to get up, gasping softly.
"Shit, AJ, you're scaring me," Ezra sighed, gently brushing them off him so he could sit up. AJ stared up at him, dull terror heavy in their stomach at the idea of being left alone. "I'll come check on you in five minutes, but we both need to eat something, okay? And then I won't have to go anywhere for a while," he explained lovingly, donning his prosthesis and leaning over AJ to stroke their hair and press a soft kiss to their temple. "It's alright, magpie. No one is going to hurt you again, I promise you," Ezra smiled softly, and AJ looked up into those gentle, worried blue eyes, and knew he wasn't lying. He would keep them safe, even if he wasn't pressed tightly to them. As long as he was in the apartment, Ezra would make sure nothing happened to them.
AJ let him go, settling a little as the door swung to behind him, the latch clicking against the metal slot, but not connecting. They stared at nothing, allowing themself to drift away and just listen to the world instead of existing in it. Footsteps wandered down the hall, slightly uneven, and muffled voices came from the kitchen, recognisable by the tone and pitch as Lizzy and Ezra talking to one another. AJ let go a little more and the voices became even more indistinct as they just lay there, giving themself the space to feel safe.
Then the door latch clicked again and footsteps were suddenly close, the bed sinking slightly.
"AJ?" It wasn't Ezra. "AJ, love, Ezra told me to check on you," Lizzy murmured, and AJ shifted ever so slightly, slowly starting to come back to themself. Then Lizzy's hand landed on their hip and they jolted as if they'd been electrocuted, unable to stop themself from screaming as they scrambled up and threw themself against the wall, already panting and sobbing, phantom pains stabbing into their chest, slicing across their skin, pushing into them roughly.
"Shit shit shit shit!"
More footsteps, pounding down the hall, the door banging back, panicked voices, and the bed sank again. Blinded by tears, AJ tried to kick out, desperately pressing their back firmly against the wall, wishing they could just be somewhere else, anywhere else.
"Hey, hey, magpie, it's alright," Ezra murmured, and AJ relaxed all at once, collapsing forward into his arms. Gasping ever so softly, Ezra gathered them up against him, shushing them lovingly as they grabbed at his hair and shirt, clinging on as tight as they possibly could.
"It's alright, sweetheart, it's just Lizzy, it's okay," Ezra soothed, his voice low and gentle, although still a bit strained with residual panic. "It's alright. I know you're scared, I know, and that's okay, but I promise you're safe, alright? It's okay."
There was a quiet knock at the door and AJ jumped, burrowing into Ezra's chest desperately as they heard Anathema's voice, urgent, but soft.
"Is everything alright? I heard a scream."
Lizzy answered for Ezra, breathless and clearly upset, struggling with every word. "I came in to check on them a-and I touched their hip a-and-"
"It's not your fault," Ezra interrupted quickly, and AJ heard Anathema make a quiet sound of agreement. "They're just having a really bad day."
"Anything I can do, Ez?" Anathema asked, sounding genuinely worried and sympathetic. "Tea or anything?"
AJ pressed their face even harder into the base of Ezra's neck, the sobs having subsided now, but the tears still coming, running down their cheeks silently. Ezra sighed.
"You can sit with them while I go finish breakfast, I-"
"No, I'll finish the breakfast," Lizzy said hurriedly, and Ezra hesitated before nodding.
"Alright, thank you."
"Of course."
The door clicked and the bed sank for the last time, a little further from AJ where they sat, curled against Ezra.
"What's wrong, AJ? Are you alright, hon?" Anathema asked gently, and AJ wished they could answer, they hated feeling this rude, but they couldn't do anything other than simply cling to Ezra and try to stop crying.
"They had a really bad nightmare," Ezra explained softly, his hand rubbing slow circles into their back. "I don't know what it was, but um...it must have been really bad," he sighed, and Anathema was quiet for a moment.
"It must have been," she mumbled eventually, and Ezra nodded slightly. "AJ, we're all gonna keep you safe, okay? All three of us, we love you and care about you and we want you to be safe and happy. We won't let anything happen to you."
AJ managed a tiny nod at this, and Ezra clutched them tighter, rocking them gently. "You wanna lay down, sweetheart?"
AJ shook their head this time, but slowly began to pull away from Ezra, sniffling and wiping their eyes, drying away the last residual tears. Ezra smiled at them worriedly and kissed their forehead, his hands wrapping around their wrists lovingly.
"I've got you, I always will," he soothed, and Anathema smiled from beside him, making AJ feel just a tad safer, a little more relaxed.
"I'm okay," they mumbled, and Ezra sighed, gently gathering them back up into his arms.
"You're not okay, but I know what you mean, sweetheart."
"How about we have a nice calming pizza and movie night with all of us tonight?" Anathema suggested gently, flashing AJ a soft smile, which they returned shakily.
"That sounds good," Ezra murmured, and AJ nodded slightly, cuddling up to him again and gently taking one of his hands, placing it over the thick scar on their chest. He smiled sadly and leaned down, capturing their lips in the softest of kisses, just a quick little peck to comfort them. AJ accepted it gladly, then grabbed one of the blankets and pulled it around themself, giving themself that extra barrier, the little added comfort. Anathema took this as her cue to get up, announcing that she was going to check on Lizzy and she hoped AJ would be feeling better soon. They managed to smile at her, then closed their eyes as soon as she was gone, relaxing against Ezra. He leaned over them slightly, his strong arms encircling them, his chin resting on their head.
AJ felt almost like a child again, a toddler coddled in their nanny's arms after a thunderstorm. They could almost hear the rain and smell the tea their nanny always used to make for them, and it made them even more relaxed, their mind starting to drift away from their body again as Ezra just rocked them ever so slightly.
After an indefinite amount of time, AJ heard more noise, more voices, and was gently laid down on the bed, rolling away to face the wall sleepily. The door clicked again, and Ezra was leaning over them, giving their shoulder a gentle little shake.
"AJ? Breakfast is done, sweetheart. Come sit with me, at least," he murmured, and AJ knew from his tone that it wasn't worth arguing. They dragged themself upright and slowly moved to sit beside him, eyeing the plate of pancakes with hungry suspicion.
"How about you try to have one? I'll do the sugar and lemon for you," Ezra suggested softly, running his hand down their back soothingly as they shivered slightly. "It might ground you a bit, having something to taste."
AJ sighed deeply, but he wasn't wrong. Sensations, particularly those as far away from the ones they were afraid of as possible, really did help them calm down after a panic attack without dissociating. And pancakes were rather different to being stabbed in the chest, they had to admit.
"Okay."
Ezra beamed and picked up the tray quickly, starting to prepare one of the pancakes the way AJ liked. "Good, I'm very proud of you," he said quietly, his voice devoid of anything but sincere, secure adoration. "You're doing really well, I have no idea what could have scared you so much, but I feel like you've already come a long way from earlier this morning," he went on softly, and AJ smiled to themself just slightly, their lip shyly caught in their teeth. Ezra looked up at them and blushed. "You are so beautiful."
"Thank you," AJ mumbled simply, taking the plate as Ezra handed it over. He nodded and kissed their cheek quickly, giving their forearm a quick, gentle squeeze.
"Anytime, my love. I'm right here for you, always," he smiled, and AJ nodded, using the side of their fork to cut the rolled up pancake into eight slices before stabbing one and reluctantly putting it in their mouth. They had to admit it tasted good, though, the burst of citrus-y sweetness waking them from their half checked-out state and making their eyes widen slightly.
Ezra bumped his shoulder against theirs gently, then focused on his own breakfast, giving AJ plenty of time to struggle with each bite of pancake without having to feel too observed. They managed three quarters of the pancake, but Ezra didn't say anything or try to push them, he simply polished it off for them and set the tray aside before hugging them tightly.
A little relieved and feeling much better already, AJ wrapped their arms around him tightly and buried their face in his hair, relaxing into him. "Thank you," they mumbled again, and Ezra just hugged them tighter, fingers spreading on their back.
"You don't need to thank me for treating you like a person, my love."
"I know, but I want to," AJ answered simply, stubbornly, and Ezra sighed softly, turning to kiss the side of their head.
"How about a cuddle?"
AJ woke a short while later, briefly feeling panicky, floundering in that pre-wakefulness, pre-coherent thought stage for a few seconds longer than normal before calming down. Ezra's hand ran over their side lazily, and AJ stifled a yawn, quickly rolling over to cuddle up to him again.
"Feeling any better for an unplanned nap?" He asked softly, and AJ managed a small nod, their fingers curling against his side
as they hugged him tightly. He let out a slow sigh and gave them a squeeze, then relaxed, keeping them close. "I love you, my beautiful little magpie. And I'm very, very proud of you, don't you ever forget that. You're amazing, you're talented and strong and kind and loving, and I'm going to keep telling you that until I make up for those twenty four years where no one gave you enough love, okay?"
"I love you too," AJ murmured, nuzzling against him and letting their body relax further, deep into the safety of his arms.
"I know you do, sweetheart," Ezra answered fondly, the warmth of his smile radiating through his chest and into AJ's so they could feel it even though they couldn't see it. "I'm...I'm really sorry about all this panic, I...if I'd known, I would have put my foot down last night, I felt like it wasn't a good idea, but-"
"It wasn't the sex, Ezra, it didn't have anything to do with it I promise. And neither do you," AJ cut in gently, staying close to him as his hand slid into their hair. "It just happened, probably because I was thinking about Gabriel, and I...I'll be okay, I promise."
"I know, because you're amazingly strong, but I wish you didn't have to be," Ezra answered softly, turning to press a kiss to the side of their head. "I...I still think we should give it a while before we try again."
AJ sighed softly and just nodded, not in the right frame of mind to be disagreeing with him. Not because they thought it would lead to a fight, just because they were exhausted and still scared, and they knew they couldn't handle any kind of discussion.
Instead, AJ gently pushed Ezra onto his back, guiding him carefully so they could curl up half on his soft chest, one of his arms around them, his other hand in their hair. AJ stretched their arm around him as far as it would go, then let out a soft sigh, settling into Ezra's comfortable warmth. They closed their eyes again contentedly, and just relaxed, loving the feeling of safety they got in their lover's arms.