Chapter Text
Naptime wasn't working out for me, but Alec seemed to knock out. I never understood that about him. He could be so active and the next thing I knew he was in the middle of a nap. It honestly made me laugh because he was the one who was always up at 6 am sharp when we were practicing. I always teased about it too, I honestly took him for granted. He was doing so much for me. I hoped some of it was for himself but when I look back on it, him doing everything he possibly could do to make it work for me was all out of the love that he had for me. I literally made his life hell just like every other partner but the only difference was that he never left me. He stayed even when I treated him like shit. I really did not deserve him. I never wanted him to think I was taking him for granted either, I just... it's such a long complicated story that will eventually come out.
Anyway, I went downstairs to my ice skating rink. I laced up and moved myself on to the ice rink to skate and try this thing called hockey out. Could I really impress the coaches? Could I really score a goal? Or was I better at blocking? Could I just be fancy and do moves around everyone to distract everyone? I tried it out, getting really into it for a minute or two. I was actually enjoying myself. I couldn't tell anyone that. I couldn't even admit to myself that I was enjoying it. Fuck. I closed my eyes took in a slight breath knowing I truly wanted to be an artist so I can express myself that way. I loved to draw, I loved to paint, and I know I wanted more than anything for people to come and look at my work and if they liked it so much they could purchase it. I stopped what I was doing instantly but not without doing a triple axel and landing on the ice with a split. Holy shit. Where did that come from? Where was Alec to see that? Wait did I even want him to see that but I heard clapping suddenly...oh shit. I swallowed and froze right there on the ice. It all felt ironic when I realized it was just my father just like old times, but oh god...
"Magnus that was incredible." He said out loud.
I just bowed and skated towards him prepared for some lecture but instead, he spoke in a different kind of tone.
"I was coming to tell you about proud I am that you want to do this for Alec but you're supposed to thinking about what you want. The museum, I am working on for you is almost ready to showcase all your hidden art and all the talent that you have in everything that you've painted...but is that what you really want?" He asked me and I was frozen again. He made so many points. I shouldn't be doing this for Alec, but apart of me felt like I owed him. He wanted me to do this right? He wanted to live through me. He was doing to coach me too but did he really want that? I mean we talked about it but I don't think it was enough because there were a lot of questions. He couldn't have his passion anymore and I don't know how he felt about it. I wanted to be an artist and I was going to have that so what was I doing playing hockey? I had to tell him I couldn't do this.
I shook my head and swallowed, "I want to do this. But I also need to be this for Alec." I breathed in and tried to curse out loud like I was in my head repeating 'fuck fuck fuck fuck' over and over because I didn't expect this kind of thing to be so hard in a decision. Why did I have to be such a damn good skater was that just a coincidence?
There was a simple nod from my father and I knew he didn't want to discuss anything with me anymore. He knew he wouldn't win the argument. I wasn't used to that yet, I honestly thought he would fight with me but then I realized maybe I was always looking for something to pick a fight over. I made things more complicated than they were when he just wanted what was best for me. I swallowed again and unlaced my skates and got on my shoes to go for a walk. I hated how quick it got dark in the winter but I went out anyway. I started walking to the one place I knew I wouldn't see anyone. I knew how to get there because I went there every time I just needed to talk to her.
My flowers were still there from the last time, they were slowly dying though, it almost looked painful, as I looked at them I frowned, and tears starting to stream down my face. "I always wondered if you went peacefully mom, it scares me to think that you suffered. I never wanted you to suffer. But even if you were suffering you never showed it. You took everything with pride and always smiled. You told me I could never be a disappointment to you but I felt like I was every single day each time I did a triple axel and hated every single second of it. I don't know if you knew but now when I think about it - I honestly think you did and you gave me a sign by allowing me to draw. When I picked up a pencil or a paintbrush and started to sketch...I felt like this was what I was meant to do and I'm sorry...I'm sorry I'm not living out your dream but I'm going to live mine. I think you'll be okay with that." I breathed in wiping my tears and gently touching her grave. I took the almost dead roses with me and started to walk to the small park nearby to take a seat down on a bench I sat on quite a few times.
I kept looking at the roses and I don't know why I was but I wanted to draw them and so I was going to keep them and just use them in my art. I lost myself in my thoughts and I don't know how long I was sitting there until someone sat down next to me.
"Well isn't a small world, what are the odds?" My ex-wife Camille sat down next to me with her laugh that I grew to hate oh so much.
"Oh, hello." I rolled my eyes. I hated the small world that I lived in if I am being quite honest but it was honestly really good to see a familiar face in the moment.
"I promise I didn't follow you here but I saw you at the grave and wondered what you were going to do with the roses so I followed you..." She admitted.
I had to stifle a laugh, surprised I even did laugh at the way I was crying seconds ago. "It's all good, I know you live around here..." I then shrugged.
"Its been quite some time, I saw your performance at the Olympics. That hockey player is an incredible skater, I can't believe you were able to keep him as your partner. You can't keep anything..."
She really had to remind me like that? "Jeez, Camille, can you be any ruder?" I blurted out. There was a reason why we broke up like that - if not that I am sure I could name a hundred and one things too.
"You know me, I always have to tell the truth. But I'm happy for you Magnus. I'm so happy for you. You deserved that Silver, it was what you needed isn't it?"
She also knew me, I think she knew me better than I knew myself, and that kind of sucked because she was not someone I could ever see myself with. I was just like her and I think the way she acted made me who I was to Alec in the beginning. I had a eureka moment and made a face at her before shaking my head and getting up. "I needed that and Alec, I'm in love with him. That's something you and I never had that's for sure." I handed her the dead roses and I was going to turn around and walk away but I wasn't moving. I felt like I was going to wake up from this nightmare any second.
"I know you never loved me, but you also never loved yourself. When you started dating Barry, the sole reason why you never fell in love with him was that you didn't love yourself." Camille answered me telling me the truth I needed to hear, "Alec must have made you see what you truly wanted." And she wasn't wrong. She was right.
"You're right." I took back the dead roses. "I'm going to go and draw these roses and bring them back to life," I told her as if she any idea what I was doing now with my life other than the last time she saw me on tv. She probably did stalk me but I didn't want to think about that or her anymore...I still felt like I was dreaming or all this happening in between Alec sleeping was me having a really long dream.
As I walked back to the house I tried to pinch myself but I wasn't waking up so yeah this was all just a really strange coincidence or just irony. All of it was one big coincidence and irony, right? The light was still on in the ice skating rink so I thought I should shut it before I went to go and find Alec, but I didn't have to search far he was there playing all by himself hitting pucks into the net. "It's like you have an endless supply of hockey pucks." I joked walking slowly onto the ice because I didn't feel like lacing up.
"You always should have an endless amount of hockey pucks," Alec stated matter of factly as he leaned down to press a kiss to my forehead. "Did you have a good walk?"
"How did you know I went on a walk?" I raised an eyebrow taking his hand to stand on my tiptoes to offer him a kiss back.
"It's what you do when I decide to take a nap," He answered again matter of factly.
I laughed. I must be so predictable now.
"You're so predictable." He even answered my thoughts. "To be honest if you weren't gone for a walk and didn't return with the hour I was going to go after you but I started to play hockey..." He frowned a little. "I'm going to be the best coach that I can be for you." He smiled then after and lifted me up into his arms without warning.
I squeaked but it was rather cute. He cradled me as I put my arms around his neck. "Don't drop me." I half-joked but I was so serious right now too because he was on skates and I didn't have my skates to land. I always felt safe with my skates on which was like my mom was watching over me.
"Oh please like I've dropped you before," Alec answered me as very graceful and moved us to the exit. He then let me down gently and started to quickly unlace. He looked up at me and made a slight face, "Is everything okay though?"
"Actually, I went to my mother's grave. I had a bit of cry." I admitted. But that was all I was going to admit for now. I swallowed and hoped he couldn't read me.
"It's okay to cry." He pouted finishing up and lifting me again up and over his shoulders this time and took us back inside the house. I didn't do anything but accept that, I felt like if I spoke about Camille's advice things could get a bit ugly between us. I also forgot to mention to him that I was once married. It was short-lived marriage because I never fully accepted it, I did it to please her and not myself. Then I realized something...I was doing this to please Alec...
I couldn't do it. I couldn't play hockey no matter how good I seemed to be. I needed to live for myself for once. "Alexander," I breathed out his name softly.
He stopped and put me down on the kitchen counter and instantaneously I wrapped my legs around him and drew him close. "I have to be honest with you okay?"
"Of course," He whispered biting down on his bottom lip right after, he knew it was coming.
"I can't play hockey, I can't honestly see myself do something like this. It isn't what I want. I made this kind of mistake before." I swallowed as I spoke. I had to tell him the truth about Camille, "...you see, umm, after my trip to my mom's grave, I ended up seeing my ex-wife and before you scream at me for not telling you sooner please just listen...I married her to please her. I did it so we could "attempt" to live happily ever after because I wanted her to be happy even if I wasn't...I can't do that again. I can't do it with you because I'm in love with you and I'm happy with that...I'm happy with how you make me feel and I can't ruin that by doing something to make you happy...do you understand what I mean?"
It was like Alec stopped working when I mentioned 'ex-wife' and then all that leading up to my question made him just look like he was then about to puke. "I mean," He started off with that was definitely not the words he wanted to say, he truly just lost all respect for me in that moment, I knew it. I should have told him this. But we hadn't really talked about our pasts before either. For all I know he could have an ex-husband or something, wait did he? "I'm not upset that you don't want to do it, you don't have to. I'm not going to force you to do anything you don't want to, and damn, Magnus please don't think you have to do it to make me happy. You do make him happy in other ways, I fell in love with you because of everything that you are." He swore to me and pressed his lips hard against mine as if to shut himself up but no I didn't want him to shut up so I pulled back.
"Even after the way, I treated you? How could you fall in love with me like that? I swore I pushed you so far out of my life because I didn't want you to get to know me." I admitted.
"That's why I kept going, especially when time stood still between us. When we skated together it all just blended together like I was meant to be doing this. When I'm on the ice no matter what I am doing on the ice...I never feel like I should be off of it. I felt that with you only when we were together and when I wasn't with you on the ice you began to hate it again..." He explained to me and that just made so much sense, fuck did it ever.
"Time always did stand still with you, it's what I loved most, it's what is happening right now. My heart beating of my chest, looking at you, falling even harder in love with you." I felt like a true sap but I never meant anything more.
"I'm in love with you too, Magnus, and I'll be damned if you aren't happy," Alec answered my sap and he made me start crying and there he went instantly wiping away my tears.
"What do we do now? Should I still coach? Do you still want to play the game and just be really bad at it so they have no choice to kick you off the team like literally right after that?" Alec shrugged as he spoke.
I laughed just slightly, "That'll work, but what if you get kicked from being a coach because you horribly taught me?" I made a face.
Alec shrugged again, "I'm happy if you're happy. I'll do something, find something, anything else..." He shrugged once more. "I won't give up."
I sniffled a little from my tears and leaned forward to give him a gentle kiss to that small pout of his. I truly was so in love with him. I ended up giggling a little a bit against his lips believing so much in him with that statement because I knew he'd find something he would enjoy. I did have something in mind that he could enjoy now too as I gently moved him even closer trying to hint, and I think he got it...
"The night is young, but what do you say we head to the couch and actually watch a movie now or we could..." He trailed off wiggling his eyebrows.
"We could..." I wiggled my eyebrows back knowing exactly what he wanted but I know for a fact I sure as hell needed it. "I need you right now," I added wiggling my eyebrows and undoing my pants.
"Not here." He schooled me with a shocked look.
"Yes here, I'll be quiet." I was pushing his shirt up to see those abs of his as I licked my lips. "Feel how hard I am for you." I moved his hand over my growing bludge.
"Magnus Bane." He growled at me but stroked me anyway, I moved forward and bit his chin. He loved it when I did that. "I should warn you, I'm not able to be quiet." He spoke just above a whisper before devouring my lips into a kiss...
Our plan was for me to pretend to fuck up and that hockey wasn't for me, but Alec still had dreams of playing hockey and all I could think about was how I was going to get him to live out his dream...
What I didn't know will shock you, however, what Alec decided to do without asking me first and just thinking it was okay will shock you.
And I will tell you all about it, but first, let me have this memory with him knowing how time was standing still and I was falling in love with him all over again...