Chapter Text
Ellison had suggested it first. Words of concern and denial had been spoken and eventually she had given in. After almost a whole week of no sleep she couldn't stand it anymore. The days felt longer, harder and Matt and Foggy kept asking questions. She’d been honest with them too. She’d said that she wasn’t ready to talk about it yet and they agreed to back off though neither of them seemed happy about it.
The sleepless nights, nightmares and recently the mid day break downs. Poindexters date for a trial had been set. The news never stopped covering it and when she saw his face on her phone and at Josies she’d have a panic attack. After debating the reasons for making an appointment she decided to go at least for something to help her sleep.
That was how she ended up sitting in a waiting room on a Wednesday morning. Surrounded by coughs and cranky old people. Last place anyone wanted to be.
It must’ve been almost half an hour until her name was called. The friendly looking nurse peaked her head through the door. “Karen Page for Dr. Carlson?’
She stood, “That's me.”
“If you could follow me Miss Page we’ll do some routine checkups then we’ll get you to see Dr. Carlson right away.”
Karen fiddled with the strap of her purse. “Sure.”
_____
Dr. Cindy Carlson brought up Karen's chart and her eyes scanned the page. “It says you're coming in for...trouble sleeping? Can you tell me a little more about that?”
“I uh...I’m lucky if I get four hours a night.”
“Any reason you can think of why?”
“I get...nightmares most nights. I wake up screaming and I guess it's just easier not to sleep. That’s why I’m here. If you could give me something, maybe I can at least get a full night's sleep.”
“Pills like those won’t get rid of the nightmares. they aren’t miracle workers.”
“I can live with the nightmares. I can't live with not being at my best. I have clients and partners who depend on me.”
She frowned at her anxious tone. “Is this a recent development?”
“No. Yes. I mean, I’ve had times where I can’t sleep but it goes away.”
“This time it’s worse?”
Karen nodded. “Yes.”
“Have you experienced anything traumatic recently? If we can find the root of these nightmares then we can treat that. I don’t recommend sleeping pills. It’s not a long term solution.”
“Well…the truth is I've had a rough couple of months. Someone tried to kill me. More than once actually.”
“Oh my...I am so sorry to hear that. Have you reported this to the police?”
Karen couldn’t feel more embarrassed. “I don't know if you watch the news but um...Benjamin Poindexter, the man who attacked The Bulletin, tried to kill me. He was a corrupt FBI agent who worked for Wilson Fisk?”
Karen could see the poor women putting all the puzzle pieces together. “You're… the Karen Page who worked at the Bulletin when it was attacked? And when the church was attacked?”
It wasn’t something to laugh about but Karen almost did out of nerves. “That's me.”
“Oh dear...I don’t know what to say. That was a terrible time for Hell's Kitchen. You must have been in a lot of pain. I’m glad you came to see me. It was the right thing to do. I have a few questions I’d like you to answer as honestly as you can so I can figure out the best course to help you.”
“Alright then.”
Dr. Carlson sat down in the wheely chair and started to type on her computer. “Have you experienced any loss of interest in your usual activities?
“No.”
“Any guilt or loneliness?”
“Yes to both.”
“What are you feeling guilty about?”
So much. So much.
_____
Karen's feet felt like they were glued to the sidewalk. People started shoving her, cursing at her but she was frozen.
PTSD. Common in people with similar experiences as her. The doctor prescribed sertraline, a medication also common for PTSD patients. The prescription was crumpled up in her pocket.
She’d sworn it wasn't that bad. Pleaded with her to understand her. She didn't need a diagnosis or an antidepressant. But she knew she was bullshitting herself. In the end no matter what, she wanted to get better, for Matt and Foggy and the firm, so first thing of business...stop lying to yourself.
So she wiped the tears off her cheeks. Second thing of business...get yourself back up, no matter how hard you were hit.
She wasn’t ready to face them yet, no because she was worried about their judgement. There would be none. Instead, there would be worrying and questions which arguably were worse. So she just started to walk, counting her footsteps or listening to cars honking, ignoring cat calls and drunks.
When she made it home, she robotically unlocked the door, threw her keys to the side and headed straight for the liquor cabinet. Karen was familiar with self medicating…it was a bad idea but she did it anyway. She poured herself one glass of whiskey and shuffled to the couch.
She welcomed the burn in her throat. It would do its purpose. Help her forget.
Her face was red from holding in the tears and there was nothing she wanted more than someone to tell her everything would be okay. It didn’t make sense why she would call the last person to give her sympathy. She was kidding herself if she thought he would understand. But maybe, just maybe, hearing his voice would remind her of before. When they were a family. Deep down she knew it wouldn’t.
The phone rang and rang and then picked up. She hated how that surprised her. “Karen?”
“Hey dad.”
He sighed like he just had the longest day. “What are you doing calling me in the middle of the day?”
“Sorry. I just…” She covered her mouth when she couldn’t help the gasp of sobbs. “I-I wanted to hear your voice.”
“If you’re calling about coming down here...it still isn’t a good time. Honestly...I don’t think it’ll ever be a good time.”
Her cheeks were stained with silent tears. “I know. I know I can’t come home.”
“It’s not like that Karen...it’s just, people will talk. I can’t take any more embarrassment.”
She'd never be able to explain why she was torturing herself like this. “I’m sorry dad, I know you’re busy but I just need someone to talk to.”
“You’ve been fine on your own. I’m sure there’s someone else who has the time.”
Karen fisted balled into a fist. A buried rage inside her broke to the surface. “Kevin wouldn’t want this!”
Her outburst stunned him. She’d always been quaint and cautious on the phone. “What?”
“He wouldn’t want us to act like strangers. Please dad…”
There was a long pause. “You don’t know what he would’ve wanted. You made sure of that.” Then the line went silent.
Karen couldn’t believe it for a moment. She kept the phone up to her ear a minute longer hoping to hear something. The phone in her hand lowered and began to shake. She trembled throughout her whole body.
Then all at once the pain she’d been holding in came out. On the outside she probably looked like she was hyperventilating. Her drink spilled on the carpet and she managed to throw her phone as hard as she could across the room with a scream.
_____
Matt had come over as soon as his appointments were done for the day. He itched to use the rooftops but it wouldn’t be a good idea in the middle of the day. So instead walked as fast as he could with his cane to keep up appearances.
He claimed the stairs two at a time and rushed to her door and knocked. “Karen?”
She was asleep in there and unresponsive. So he knocked harder. “Karen? It’s Matt!” Nothing. He’d be worried but he heard a strong heart beat. No forced entries but there was something off. He turned around and made his way to the roof. He would let himself in.
The window was open as if he hadn’t told her a million times to keep it locked. Matt made his way into her apartment. Her arm hung off the couch and she laid face first into a pillow. Her glass that used to be filled with whiskey was spilled on the carpet. Matt could smell the alcohol on her breath along with salt from her tears in the air. She’d been crying a long time before she fell asleep. And as for her phone, it was thrown across the room, cracked, with a brand new hole in the wall.
Relieved she seemed physically okay, he bent down to collect the glass and placed it on the coffee table behind him. He put her arm back on the couch and took the throw blanket hanging over the back of the couch to drape it on her.
It was likely she’d wake up with a headache so he walked toward the medicine cabinet in her bathroom knowing exactly where everything was even though he’d never explored her apartment properly.
He placed the aspirin and water in front of her. He shouldn’t stay. He’d already broken in. Leaving a note would suffice but he wanted to stay. That’s what friends did, right?
It didn’t matter what he wanted. So he looked around and found an old receipt, and based on the old smell on the paper it was for Chinese food, and wrote her note. He placed it next to the aspirin.
Sorry I broke in. I left you some aspirin.
-Matt
It was messily written but it would do.
He was already out on the fire escape when her breathing changed. She noticed the pills and blanket right away and read the note.
“Matt?” She wondered if he was still here.
She’d hear the window close so Matt cursed himself and came back in.
Once he made his way back into the room she let out the breath she’d been holding and sat up groggily. “You broke in…”
“I uh…left you a note. It says sorry.”
“I see that. What are you doing here?”
“You wouldn’t answer my calls. Foggy’s either. He made me come over to check on you after you didn’t show up for work. I see now that your phone’s broken.”
The blanket pooled in her lap as she bent over and rubbed her forehead. “Oh shit...I’m sorry. I meant to call it just…broke.”
“You’re not okay.”
Karen chuckled humorlessly. “What gave it away?”
Matt shrugged, “I'm worried about you.”
“I told you I’m just figuring stuff out. There’s no reason to worry.”
His lips pursed. “You know I can tell when you’re lying.”
“I know. Just humor me and pretend you can’t.”
“What happened to your phone?”
“I um...got into a disagreement with my dad.”
Matt’s eyebrows raised in surprise. “You’re dad?”
“We don’t talk much. Not after Kevin. He doesn’t like it when I call.”
“What did he say to you?”
“Nothing I’m not used to.”
“You’ve never talked about him before.”
It wasn’t like Matt readily offered anecdotes on his dad either. “I could say the same about you.”
Matt wasn’t going to win that argument. “I guess we both have our reasons.”
Karen ignored the pills Matt left out for her. “You want a drink?”
“No, no thank you.”
Karen stood and accidentally stepped on the wet carpet. “Shit.” She went to grab some towels in the kitchen.
Matt followed her. “Did something happen?”
“I don’t really...talk to my dad.”
“And your mom?” Karen tried to retreat into herself. It was her fault for pretending all these years she had a normal happy family life back in Fagan Corners.
“My mom died years ago.”
Matt’s confusion only grew and the frown on his face showed it. “You never said-“
“I know.” She started to dab the wet spot with the paper towels.
Matt didn’t have words. All that came out was, “I’m...I’m so sorry Karen.” It wasn’t enough. It would never be enough. She lost both her parents. One to death and one to abandonment. He knew how that felt. No words could settle the pain.
Karen’s breath quickened when the stain wasn’t coming out. She dropped the towel. “You know everything now! My moms dead, my dad hates me and I killed my brother!” She laughed darkly. “Oh wait, you don’t even know about Todd or the diner or what happened today!”
Matt knelt down to her level and grasped her arms. “Karen! Just breathe! Okay? Everything is going to be okay.” His hand smoothed down her hair in an attempt to calm her sudden outburst.
“I can’t! I can’t breathe Matt! Not when I feel like this. Not when I know I don’t deserve to be here.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I was supposed to die! Not Kevin! I know it! My dad knows it! And if there’s a God, he knows it too.”
“Karen, look at me.” Karen’s eyes were squeezed shut. Matt spoke in a softer tone. “Shh...open your eyes.” His hand stroked her cheek and her red brimmed eyes filled with tears looked into his. “No matter what you did you don’t deserve to die.”
Karen had already begun shaking her head. Matt grabbed her hand and placed it above his heart. “Listen to me. I don’t care what you think you deserve because it isn't true. And I don’t care what drugs you were on or how angry you were. I know you had your reasons. I also know you, and I know that you never meant for anyone to get hurt.”
“You always see the best in me. You shouldn’t.”
“I remember what you said that night. You think there's no atonement for what you’ve done but I don’t believe that. There is so much good in you.”
Karen hung onto his kind words like they were the only “I want to believe that. But I’m not so sure.”
“If it were that easy to believe, there’d be no such thing as guilt.”
“If only it were that easy.”
Matt gave her a sad smile. “Is this the only thing that’s been bothering you?”
Karen scoffed, “If I said yes would you let it go?”
Matt smiled at hearing a little bit of sarcasm. “No. But I'll be here when you're ready to tell me. Is that a deal?”
“Yes.”