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Ben cracks an eye open before slamming it shut again, blinking against the bright light streaming in through Callum's too thin curtains. His body aches, screaming of too little sleep, and too much activity, but it's the kind of activity he adores, and he'd take the ache anytime.
This morning though, something's different. Despite the ache he feels light in an unfamiliar way. Like the world isn't trying to break him. He turns to face the man lying next to him, and remembers why.
Callum is staring at him, a look of adoration on his face, propped up on his elbow, lips curled in a smile, eyes wide and soft. His skin glows smooth in the light from the bedside lamp. "Good morning gorgeous" he whispers, and Ben feels that now familiar warmth radiate through his body. He doesn’t think he’ll ever get tired of hearing those words, from that voice.
"Morning babe. How do you manage to look so beautiful on less than three hours sleep? It’s so unfair.”
Callum huffs out a laugh. “Less than two actually, and I made you coffee sleeping beauty, it’s on the side.”
“Ugh...I could kiss you...come ‘ere.” Ben shuffles towards him and catches his lips in a soft, slow kiss before his brain catches up and he pulls away. “Wait, how long you been awake?...and more importantly, how long you been staring at me for?"
Callum blushes, and there’s that warm spread again. "Busted" he grins, curling his fingers into the short hairs at the back of Ben's neck and pulling him in for another kiss. "Been awake a while. Couldn't sleep."
"You do know you're supposed to grow out of being too excited to sleep before your birthday way before 29 don't you?" Ben chuckles. "And on that note...happy birthday baby"
"Ha! Thank you, but no...it wasnt that."
He shuffles back down to lie flat, and Ben snuggles immediately into his chest to rest his head over his heart, his safe place. Lately, the sound of Callum's heartbeat seems the only thing capable of cutting through the white noise. The only sound that makes sense to him anymore. It comforts him when he needs to ask questions like the one on the tip of his tongue.
His bones settle, but his heart races. Fear of loss and rejection it seems will always be Ben's default setting. He takes a deep breath and tilts his head towards Callum so he can read his reply. "Something wrong?"
But Callum is beaming. Speaking slowly and clearly the way he always does, to make sure Ben understands. "Nah, perfect. Just something I've been wanting to ask you all night, but didn't want to wake you. You were actually sleeping soundly for once.”
“Thought maybe if I watched you sleep I could figure out the answer myself." Callum chuckles, and the sound reverberates through Ben's ear. "Sounds crazy now I've said that out loud though."
"You can ask me anything you know." Ben replies, hoping his tone doesn't betray the anxiety that still bubbles in his chest when he fears he's about to be laid bare. Its quieter since Callum. His smile alone tames the beast.
There's a pause, and Ben tracks the movement of Callum's Adam's apple as he swallows hard and croaks out "How long?"
Ben quirks an eyebrow and smirks. "Oh pretty long. I certainly dont have any complaints."
"Ben! No jokes!" Callum warns and rolls his eyes, but still dips to ghost a kiss to Ben's forehead.
"Well I dunno what you're asking! How long what babe?"
"What you told me last night....how long?"
Ben blushes, a rare sight that Callum adores, and he dips to bury his head deeper into Callum's chest, but feels a gentle tug in his hair and a long finger curling under his chin to tilt his head back up. Callum's eyes are wide and pleading, and Ben's heart lurches in his chest.
"Oh, I see...after an ego boost are we?" And maybe deflection was a mistake because Callum is on him now jabbing fingers in his sides and tickling below his ribs a way he knows makes Ben lose it.
"No! Just wanna know how long you've made me wait don’t I!"
"Ok, ok Cal stop or I'll piss myself!"
"You gonna surrender? Gonna tell me the truth?"
"Yeah, ok, promise, just stop will ya!"
Callum relinquishes his assault on Ben's ribs and they settle back into an easy truce, lying on their sides facing, bodies a perfect mirror of each others like two sides of a coin. They're grinning at each other now, but Ben is silent and Callum is impatient.
"So?"
"Oh, a long time."
Ben's reply when it comes is barely above a whisper, but Callum can see from the way he's looking at him and chewing hard on his lip that its the truth. He sucks in a deep breath and carries on.
"I think I finally admitted it to myself the day of your wedding. The pain that day was....”
Ben scrunches his eyes shut and shakes his head at the memory, but Callum needs to hear this. He owes him that.
“Keanu came looking for me for a scrap but started talking about love, about finding someone I could let in one day, and I couldn't handle it. I knew then that I'd already found you, but you were drifting away from me. Marrying her. It was a relief when the beating started cos physical pain I can deal with, but nothing hurt like knowing you wouldn’t be mine."
Callum reaches out and strokes gently down Ben's cheek, but Ben interrupts when he opens his mouth to speak with a finger pressed to his lips.
"If I'm totally honest though, looking back, it was a long time before that. You never left my head after the park, you know that, but when you proposed to Whitney I felt like my heart had been ripped out and stamped on. I tried to stay away, but it just made it worse. It was like any contact, any sight of you was better than nothing, even if it was torture seeing your hands and your mouth on her."
Ben's head has drifted down again. This level of emotional honesty so alien it must be whispered into Callum's skin, certainly not delivered face to face. Maybe he'll get there one day. Maybe Callum will get him there.
Callum taps on Ben's arm to get his attention, and when Ben lifts his head, he sees tears forming at the corners of his eyes. He reaches up a hand on instinct, but finds it clasped by Callum's own, his thumb rubbing patterns on reflex into the soft skin.
"I'm so sorry I did that to you. That you had to go through that. I was so selfish...I..."
"You weren't selfish, you were confused..and scared...and it don’t matter now does it. We got there in the end didn't we? Come 'ere." Ben pulls Callum in for a soft kiss, stroking the shell of his ear, while large hands move to frame his face, covering his own. It seems Callum will always soothe the parts of him that are most broken.
"Do you feel different?" Callum whispers.
"Yeah"
"Good different, or bad different?"
Ben smiles. "The best kind of different."
Silence settles between them, and it’s comfortable, it always is, but time passes and Ben’s doubts start to claw until the inevitable question bursts from his lungs.
"So come on then. It's not often you get the full 'heart on the sleeve' Ben Mitchell experience, so your turn Highway. How about you? You told me at Christmas, and let's not go there, but how long had you felt it?"
Callum chuckles and dips his head into the pillow before remembering Ben needs to see his lips, raising his eyes to meet his boyfriend’s.
"Oh, believe me, I wasn‘t far behind you. The day of the wedding... I would have denied it to anyone who'd listen. I did deny it to Whit...told her half the time I didn't even like you"
Ben clutches his chest, in mock outrage "Oh, I'm hurt!"
"Yeah..you were...and that was the turning point for me. The second you got shot it just hit me like juggernaut."
Ben feels his heart flutter and his grin fade as he sees tears forming in the corner of Callum's eyes again, and feels warm fingertips roam to trace instinctively over the scar on his chest.
"They wouldn't let me go in the ambuIance cos I wasn’t family, and when they pulled you out of my lap to treat you I just felt lost. It was like you were the one keeping me breathing, keeping me from going under. I wanted to drag you back to me and hold you close again."
Ben places a gentle kiss to his chest, and repays the touch, drifting his fingers down to trace the pitted skin on the scar on Callum's abdomen.
"I thought I was gonna lose you before I even... had you...if you know what I mean."
The silence hangs thick now, and Ben needs to break it before it breaks him. He settles on the only way he knows how.
"Well you needn't have worried babe..there was no way I was going anywhere until I'd had you! No nutter with a gun was getting in the way of me and those thighs of yours!"
Callum full belly laughs, and Ben wishes with every fibre of his being that he could still hear it.
"Ben! You're obsessed!"
"Yeah, I am! Obsessed with my gorgeous boyfriend's stunning body...what's wrong with that? I spent many lonely months lusting after that body of yours, least you can do is let me enjoy it now!"
"And I do...frequently!"
They kiss again. A long slow brush of tongues, smiles getting in the way, but when Ben finally pulls away, his smile had faded.
"I'm so sorry it took me this long.” He whispers.
“If there's one thing I've learnt its that bad things happen to people I love. They hurt me or they leave me sooner or later. Mum, Paul, Lou, my dad.....Dennis. I even tried to love Stella for my dad's sake and look how that turned out."
Callum squeezes a little tighter at the mention of her name, his jaw clenching. He wants to gather Ben in his arms and kiss away that particular pain..take some of it on his own shoulders...but maybe that's for another day.
"There's this constant voice in my head too telling me I don't deserve your love, and that if I put my heart out there, told you how I really felt, you'd smash it to pieces and leave."
"Ben, stop it."
"Well let's face it Cal, you're perfect arent you? You're kind, gorgeous, see the best in people, and I'm a half blind, mostly deaf cocky little shit with a dodgy past, an uncertain future and a nightmare for a dad. I mean Jay said it wasn't obvious, me and you, and he's right isn't he."
Callum senses Ben's body curling in on itself, and tilts his chin again to hold his head high. If he can’t do that himself, Callum will always be there to do it for him.
"Ben, look at me. I'm not even gonna credit that last bit with an answer, but you know I would never hurt you, and I ain't going nowhere. I've told you before, there's only one way we end with me leaving you, and that's if you push me away. So it's simple ain't it? You dont want me anymore, push me away. Hold me close, and I told you last night, I stay forever."
Ben finds himself torn between nodding and shaking his head in disbelief, but chooses to trust, and nods, a barely there dip of his head.
"I've said it so many times in my head you know...but I thought if I didn't say it out loud we could exist in our little bubble where nothing bad would happen and you wouldn't leave. But I realised last night how unfair that is on you. You give your love so freely and so completely, and you deserve to know that I feel the same. And I do, Cal, I really do."
Callum leans down to plant a kiss to the tip of Ben's nose, then pulls back so he can read his lips.
"I know. I mean, I've known for ages. I would never have pushed you to say it, but I didn't need to. The way you look at me, the way you are when it's just us, the way you touch me. The way you hold me when we're.....you know"
"Fucking?"
"I prefer...making love"
"You would!"
"I knew it couldn't be anything else, but there was always a bit of doubt there. Doesn't hurt to hear it does it!.....In fact it's the best thing I've ever heard."
And Ben cant hide the smile on his lips at that.
"Well good, cos now I've gotten over myself I'm not gonna stop telling you. You'll be sick of hearing it, but you deserve to hear it."
"Yeah? Tell me then"
Ben pulls himself up on his elbows so he can brush the tip of his nose against Callum's.
"I love you"
"Again"
"Sap"
"Again Ben. Don’t make me tickle you"
"I love you Callum Highway"
"Again"
"I bloody love you"
"And...? You can do better than that Mitchell" Callum giggles, wrapping his arms around Ben and rolling him onto his back. He settles between his legs and shivers as Ben's fingers roam over his skin.
"And....your amazing thighs, and your beautiful dick..."
"Hmm..and there's the Ben Mitchell I know and love" Callum giggles, dipping his head to kiss along his shoulder.
"....and your heavenly lips....ooh and your arse...did I mention your arse?....."
"Alright, alright!...Maybe you could just show me?"
"Mmm...maybe I could..."
“Coffee first though, can’t have you flaggin’”
Three little words. But Callum knew the courage it had taken Ben to say them. And whether they’re whispered in the quiet of the morning, breathed against lips in their passionate moments, or shouted in the heat of an argument, they will always make Callum’s heart shine.
Ben has said them, said them to him, and he will say them again, and Callum will never doubt them, and always be ready to say them back.
Turning 29 had turned out better than he ever imagined. He spent his birthday curled up in the arms of the man he loved, who loved him right back. And what could be better than that.