Work Text:
I want to drown myself
In a bottle of her perfume
I want her long blonde hair
I want her magic touch
Yeah, 'cause maybe then
You'd want me just as much
//
At first, Alec didn’t mind.
He didn’t mind when they were sitting with their friends and they would talk about Magnus’ dates, how they magnificently failed most of the time.
He didn’t even mind if they didn’t, none of them stuck around for much long.
He didn’t mind when they were at a bar and Magnus flirted with other people, because Magnus was his friend.
They’d been friends for so long, Alec couldn’t even remember when it started.
Maybe it was the way Magnus was always shining so much brighter than anyone he’d ever seen. Or the way he was always so brave and bold, never caring what others might think. Then again, maybe it was the way Magnus actually wasn’t always so brave, behind the exterior wall, he still had insecurities, just like everyone else.
Alec had other crushes, but in the years they’d been friends, none of them pulled him the way Magnus did.
They weren’t even best friends, not really.
Magnus was best friends with Isabelle, who happened to be Alec’s sister. And Alec was best friends with Clary, who happened to be Magnus’ roommate.
When they first met in High School, Alec was so sure they’d never ever get along. They were so different.
Alec was shy, mostly grumpy and closed. Magnus was the opposite - shining bright, friendly and always in the center of attention.
Now, so many years later, in their mid 20’s, nothing had really changed. Except that maybe Magnus had become more grounded and Alec had become more outgoing.
But the one thing that never changed was the fact that Alec always looked after Magnus. When he was feeling down or went through a bad date or a breakup. When he was hungover and couldn't even stand. Even if it was something small, Alec was there.
That didn’t mean he’d ever say something about how he felt though. Because Alec was sure that it was nothing.
It felt like a crush that he’d been feeling so long, that even if he did make a move, it wouldn’t feel real.
Everything changed, when Camille came around though.
She didn’t go away after a few dates, like the most did. She stayed. And Alec couldn’t always leave whenever she was in the room, or start talking about whatever else when someone brought her up.
Camille was beautiful, smart and dressed well, much like Magnus. She was friendly, to all of them. Though, she and Isabelle had their fair share of fights. Clashing of two very superior women, if you will.
It’s not as if Alec hated Camille. He didn’t. Why should he? Magnus seemed happy with her, and she seemed happy with Magnus. It looked as if Camille was giving him everything he wanted.
The longer she stayed, the longer Alec realized the feelings he felt - the aching in his chest and the longing in his fingertips - were not caused by hatred towards her.
He didn’t hate Camille. He wanted to be her.
Once he realized that, it all went downhill. He didn’t even know how to act around them anymore, and it was only made worse by Magnus’ constant worry.
So, Alec made an extra effort to appear as if everything was still normal. Like he didn’t want to be the one sitting on Magnus’ lap. Like he didn’t wish that he could be the one letting his hands go through his hair or to kiss him freely.
“Alec? You zoned out again.”
He whipped up his head, looking around. His friends and siblings were all staring at him expectantly.
“Someone messing with that pretty little head of yours?” Camille laughed teasingly from her spot on Magnus’ lap, long legs splayed on the couch, one arm around his shoulders.
If only she knew. She’d probably stab him with one of her high-heeled shoes.
“Sorry, just thinking about work.” Alec said in the most casual tone he could muster.
“You work too hard, Alec. When are you going to cut yourself some slack? I’m sure you’ve already gotten this internship thing in the bag.” Clary said from next to him, moving up to her knees and sitting herself between the couch and Alec’s back.
Her hands went to his shoulders, massaging them and Alec sighed. “You don’t know that.”
“Oh, come on, Alexander, everyone here knows you’ll get it. And you’ll become a doctor in no time. It’s called natural talent.” Magnus said.
He was playing with Camille’s hair and Alec eyed the movement. He wondered what it’d be like if Magnus did that to him.
He shook his head, eyes going to the ceiling.
“Can we please not talk about it?” Alec asked patiently. Clary was still rubbing his shoulders and Alec felt some tension being relieved.
“We weren't, until you zoned out.” Simon pointed out and Alec sent him a glare.
“We asked if you can make it on Saturday. It’s Simon’s big night.” Clary announced.
“You mean the night he will spectacularly fail at another performance?” Alec asked, which earned him a pillow thrown at his face.
He laughed, throwing it right back. “I’m kidding, Si.”
“Jace,” Simon said, pouting at the blonde.
With a sigh, Jace turned to Alec. “Stop saying my boyfriend’s music is crap.”
Alec laughed. “I didn’t, you just said that. I just said he’ll fail.”
Simon threw up his hands. “You’re the worst.”
“Simon, you know you mustn’t tell lies.” Alec replies swiftly and Clary laughs.
Isabelle sauntered over, squeezing herself between Alec and Clary, saying “My turn.”
“Ow, let me get out of the way first. I don’t need you two getting handsy when I’m literally next to you.”
Isabelle wiggled her eyebrows as Clary leaned down and kissed the neck of her girlfriend.
Yes, Izzy was best friends with Magnus and Clary was best friends with Alec, and if Magnus and Alec went around telling people that the two girls met because of them, well - it was just facts.
Alec went to the armchair, feeling more alone now, surrounded by all the couples.
Suddenly, Simon turned to him and said. “Alec, I forgot to tell you. There's this guy in my band that’s been asking about you.”
Simon’s band was relatively new and they hadn’t met everyone yet (they’d actually only met Maia), but the music wasn’t actually awful (Alec vibed to it a lot, but obviously that will never be spoken aloud).
“Oooooh, is it Underhill?” Izzy now said.
“Who is Underhill?” Magnus asked, perking up and frowning at Alec.
“How the hell should I know?” Alec replied, defensive, but Clary asked at the same time, “Isn’t that the fake name of Frodo in The Lord of The Rings.”
Simon looked like he’d been struck by lighting. “I can’t believe I didn’t put that together.”
He seemed ecstatic now, and Jace was looking at Simon like he was the most adorable thing in the world. It was disgusting, Alec thought.
“I have to make that joke when you guys meet!”
“Who,” Magnus said again, “is Underhill?”
Alec gave him a glance and saw that Magnus had stopped playing with Camille’s hair, staring at Simon intensely.
“Andrew. He’s the bass player.” Simon finally said and Isabelle let out a giggle.
“Mhmm, he is a ‘dreamy blonde, or someone says.” she announced and winked at Simon.
Jace’s mouth went into a hard line, the sweetness gone from his face. “You think he’s dreamy?”
“I believe I used the term ‘handsome’.”
Alec laughed, “Is the ever-confident Jace jealous?”
The blonde threw him a bored look. “Simon already has the most handsome and dreamy blonde he can get.”
Magnus let out a snort while Simon leaned over to kiss Jace right on the lips, saying “Damn right I do.”
“Wait, so Andrew. Tell me more. I need to evaluate before I let my best friend out on a date with him.” Clary said as she started braiding Izzy’s hair.
“I’m sure Alec doesn’t need your permission,” Camille cut in, with a cat-like grin “But yes. Tell us all about dear Andrew.”
Alec pulled a face and hid behind his hands, while Simon went on about his potential date.
He couldn’t care less that the guy was blonde, handsome, blue eyes and a sharp jawline, well-built, played bass and was caring, sweet and kind.
He was not Magnus.
Alec widened his eyes behind his hands as the thought occurred to him.
Today must be ‘pining over Magnus’ day, even more so than usual.
His heart stung as Magnus said “He sounds nice.”
“And you’ve been off dating for too many months. You need the exercise,” Camille wiggled her eyebrows and Isabelle whistled.
Alec stood up, suddenly feeling very sick and he didn’t know why. “I’m going to get some water.”
When he slipped out of the room, he could hear Camille ask “Did I say something?”
He groaned at his own stupidity and went to the kitchen, not bothering to turn on the light. He can see enough with the light that’s flooding in from the street lamp outside.
When he filled the glass with water, he heard someone shuffle behind him.
“Clary, I’m fine. It’s nothing, just the usual pining. I can get over it.” he said, knowing that his best friend would leave him alone if he just outs with it.
When he turned, his heart stopped in his chest, because it wasn’t Clary. It was Magnus.
The light covered half his face, leaving the other half in darkness, so Alec could see the stubble on his jaw but not his golden-green eyes.
He didn’t need to, though, he knew exactly how much of it is golden speck and how much of it is a vivid green.
“Oh? Pining over someone, are we?” Magnus teased him, but Alec’s heart raced like crazy.
He can’t find out, he can’t find out, he can’t find out.
“Um, no. Not at all. I was just saying that to get Clary off my back. You’re not her, though, so I don’t need to lie. I was just feeling stressed while thinking about my-”
“Job?” Magnus finished and made a doubtful noise, “Alec, we both know that that’s a lie. What’s this really about? Is it something Camille said?”
Alec stared at him like he’s crazy. Of course it’s not something she said. It’s what she does. It’s all she does, that Alec wants to do.
Alec’s mouth went into a harsh line. “Of course not,” he said, just as Magnus said “Because I can talk to her-”
Magnus stopped and stared back at him. “Then what is it? You looked upset.”
Alec wanted to… he didn’t even know. What did he want? Why did he want that he couldn't have?
And of course Magnus had to be caring and kind to him. Wouldn’t it be so much easier to have him hate Alec?
Alec leaned on the counter and shook his head. With a practiced fake smile he said “Magnus, I’m perfectly fine, just stressed, is all.”
He shouldn’t have said that, because Magnus came closer and touched his arm with a sympathetic smile.
All Alec could see was the way the ring-cladded fingers curled around him and all he could feel was the frantic beating of his heart.
“You say that, but I can see you’re not. I just want you to trust me and talk to me, Alec. We’re friends, aren’t we?”
Yes, but I don’t want to be.
Alec nodded, the fake-smile still there. “Yeah, I know. Thanks, Magnus.”
Magnus squeezed his arm and gave him a small smile, before he turned and left for the living room.
Alec, not for the first time in his life, wished to be somewhere else. Anywhere but here.
//
Alec’s eyes go about the room, as he glosses over his friends.
Simon is in Jace’s lap, who is telling him how great he was up there.
Alec has to agree, because Simon’s band was pretty great, but that doesn’t mean he appreciates the way Jace is eating his boyfriend’s face off.
Clary is swinging her legs on the bar stool, laughing and talking to Maia, while Izzy’s left hand is around her, the other balancing a drink, as she stands close to his girlfriend.
And Magnus and Camille… Well, they left a few minutes ago to go to the bathroom.
Alec is trying hard not to think about what that probably means.
Instead, he has to focus on the blonde sitting opposite to him in the booth.
He is handsome, Alec can’t deny. The blue eyes are a particularly nice feature and he is easy to talk to.
But.
“Are you okay?” the guy asks and Alec realizes he’s zoned out for like the third time.
He feels embarrassed and frankly, disgusted at himself. “I’m so sorry, my mind is just… somewhere else.”
Andrew, god bless his soul, nods in understanding, sending him a sweet smile. Why isn’t it working on Alec?
“That’s okay. You’re too handsome anyway, to be mad at.”
This time, Alec does blush, but it’s just the moment Camille and Magnus make an appearance again and Alec tries not to stare at them with the corner of his eyes.
Camille seems upset about something and Magnus is ignoring her, as he flags down the bartender.
Andrew talks to Alec about his interests and hobbies and asks him about his. Underhill is nice and easy to talk to, which is why Alec stops him in the middle.
“Listen, I need to say this because I feel like you might want to take this further and I’m just-” Alec starts and Andrew’s face shows that he’s startled.
Alec sighs, leaning over the table. “You seem like someone I would love to see more of, but I can’t do this to you. My heart nor my head is in it, I’m sorry.”
Andrew gives him a small, sad smile. “Very poetic. Who’s the guy?”
Alec blinks. “What?”
“Obviously there’s a guy.”
Somehow, it slips over Alec’s lips. “What if there is?”
Andrew laughs after he’s taken a sip from his beer. “If there is, you need to take the leap.”
Alec grits his teeth, closing his eyes and then letting out a humourless laugh. “Yeah, no.”
When he opens up to him, Andrew is giving him a critical look. “Trust me, I know what I’m talking about. You either curse yourself forever for not doing it, or do it and find out if you were really going to let this one go.”
Alec gapes at him but then shuts his mouth. Andrew is giving him a knowing look.
“I’m so sorry,” he says, as he realizes what the guy is hinting at.
“I saw you on Simon’s phone. You and your friends are his screensaver,” the blonde says now and Alec stares at him “I knew I liked you, but I’d never met you, so I just asked about you. I saw you down at that coffee shop where you go to, sometimes. I love their coffee and I didn’t even realize you go there.”
Alec tried not to show his emotions. The reason for that is that he goes there to bring Magnus the only coffee he is willing to drink, when he has to wake up at 6 a.m to accompany Alec on his morning run. That only started happening a few weeks ago.
“I thought- hey, no harm in trying, but I could never bring myself to do it. You seemed so,” Andrew thinks for a moment, “Unreachable.”
Alec can’t help but let his eyes wander to the man besides the bar. He notices that Camille has up and left somewhere.
Andrew catches it and Alec blushes.
“Ah,” Andrew gives him a smile, “it’s usually someone you can’t have.”
Alec’s mouth goes into a hard line. He looks up at Andrew and suddenly feels so, so very upset and lonely.
“I feel like we would’ve been great friends, at least.” Alec says, apologetically, “But I’d never ask you of that.”
Andrew stares at him thoughtfully. “I mean, now that I know you aren’t interested, I might take you up on that offer, someday in the future.”
Alec feels like he doesn’t deserve that, or anything else for that matter.
He looks towards Magnus, and startles, seeing that the man is staring right back.
His eyes convey a certain kind of sadness and Alec doesn’t want to feel the way he does. Like he has to run to the rescue, again.
But unintentionally, his body edges towards the other man.
“Go,” Andrew says to him and Alec gives him a startled look. The blonde raises an eyebrow. “I know that look. Just, Alec,” Andrew gives him a smile “it’s better to know than be in the unknown.”
After that night, Alec thinks that Andrew couldn’t have been more wrong.
//
Magnus is sitting behind the counter, while the bartender is giving them the side-eye, telling them that the bar is supposed to close in 30 minutes.
“I don’t get it, I don’t.” Magnus says for the millionth time and Alec bites his lip.
The other man is drunk, while Alec is dead-sober. Which makes it so much harder to listen to Magnus’ words, but makes it a lot easier to restrain himself from touching him.
“Magnus, I’m sure it's nothing. You and Camille are fine.” Alec manages to press out.
Everyone else has gone already, Clary giving him a look of ‘I know where this is going’, but Alec had glared at her until she agreed to leave with her girlfriend.
Camille left, like Alec had suspected, and according to Magnus, it’s because they had a fight.
After they’d ‘gone to the bathroom’, before they could make it, Magnus and Camille had bumped into an old friend of hers.
Well, that old friend turned out to be her ex. An ex she flirted with in front of Magnus.
“Magnus, I’m sure you just imagined it. Camille would never do that to you, you’ve been together for so long.”
Excruciatingly long.
Magnus groans, head going onto the bar and the bartender glares at them. Alec knows that’s their cue.
“Yeah, well, then why did she leave?”
Alec doesn’t have a reply and he just takes Magnus, one hand to his waist and the other grabbing his hand to throw over his shoulders, and gets out into the fresh air.
“I thought this one, this one would-” Magnus trails off. Alec holds his breath as he calls a cab.
It’s always like this. Another night with drunk Magnus, another confession. Never the one he waits for, though.
“Would what, Magnus?”
“Make me feel like I’m worth something.” Magnus replies and Alec wants to throw a brick at Camille for making Magnus feel this way.
He’d always known that Magnus' childhood wasn’t the happiest story and neither was his first relationship, which both had abuse and drug use in them.
But he had always thought that Magnus was strong enough to see that he was worth everything and anything he wanted.
“Magnus, don’t say that.” Alec tells him, “Of course you’re worth something, you’re worth everything.”
Magnus makes an impatient noise. “Mhmm,” he says sarcastically as Alec helps him into the cab.
As he goes to give Magnus’ address first, Magnus grabs his arm, “No, Camille’s probably there. I don’t want to go back.”
So, they drive to Alec’s and Alec hopes that Magnus passes out right away, because if he doesn’t…
Alec doesn’t want this. He doesn’t want to be alone with Magnus, yet he craves it more than anything.
When he helps Magnus onto the couch, he can smell the alcohol, but there’s something else - a sweet perfume, belonging to Camille.
Alec thinks about what it would be like to get close to Magnus and have his nostrils filled with his own scent. Like Alec’s been there, like Camille has.
He stops the thought, when Magnus says, “You’re always there for me, Alexander, and I never even thanked you.”
Alec freezes, sitting next to Magnus. “Sure you have,” he says, trying to get up and put some distance between themselves.
Magnus’ hand grabs his and he lets out a broken, “Don’t go.”
And Alec stays, of course he does.
Magnus might be drunk, but his gaze fixes on Alec as he says “I don’t understand how you have the patience to tolerate me.”
He chuckles a little and Alec smiles, too.
“It’s a talent.” he replies, making Magnus laugh.
He loves to do that, even when it puts a dagger right through his heart.
And when Magnus stops laughing and gazes at Alec, a smile still on his lips, he looks like something out of a painting, or a book. Unrealistically beautiful and unreachable.
Andrew’s words play in Alec’s mind and he doesn’t know if it’s an accident that Magnus hand goes to his and his thumb brushes over Alec’s knuckles, but it’s definitely not an accident when Alec leans over and kisses him.
It’s just a lingering peck on the lips, but Alec realizes that Magnus is sitting like a statue and he can feel his heart shatter as he sees the confusion on Magnus’ face.
He feels so stupid all of a sudden.
“Alexander, I’m so-” he doesn’t get to finish because Alec gets up and back away, like he’s done something horrible.
And he has.
He doesn’t want to hear the words Magnus wants to say.
“I don’t know why I did that. I’m sorry. I’m going to leave now.” It’s all he says and he doesn’t allow Magnus to reply, because he goes up to his room, lying on his bed after he’d locked the door.
He thinks about how he would’ve loved to be in the unknown instead of knowing he can never have what he wants.
At least then he could think that, maybe, one day.
Now, he has nothing.
//
Alec knows it’s Isabelle who ratted him out.
She’s the only one besides Clary, who knows where Alec goes when he has the worst thoughts in his head, and Clary would never tell Magnus.
It had to be Izzy and Alec plans to kill her for it. Or at least never make her his famous beef stroganoff again.
He sits on the bench that oversees the lake. Behind him are the trees, turning golden-yellow as autumn approaches. Before him is the lonely lake, glistening blue and green under the sunlight.
He can hear the footsteps before he sees the person making the noise, because the fallen leaves make a ‘scrunch’ on the ground every time they take a step..
To his utter dismay, it’s Magnus.
He’s holding his coat close, hair a mess from the wind, but his eyes are searching Alec’s.
“I’ve been looking for you for hours.”
Alec finds that he doesn’t care. He wants him to disappear forever. Or maybe not forever.
“Alec, will you look at me?”
He ignores it.
“Alexander,” and the voice is tender and soft.
And Alec ignores it. He knows himself well enough to know that there are two options - he looks at Magnus and starts crying (and that’s not gonna happen) or he looks at Magnus and lets him stomp all over his heart and go back to being friends, like before.
Either of the options is not the one Alec wants to go with, so he refuses to turn his head.
Magnus is now walking towards him and kneels in front of him, hand on either side of his thighs and holding himself up with the help of the bench.
Alec stares up at the sky.
“Magnus, please leave.”
He surprises himself by producing a confident and unwavering voice.
“No.” comes a clear-cut reply and Alec knows he will not win this fight. How could he?
So he looks down and finds Magnus’ golden green eyes on him. He looks distraught.
Did Alec do that?
“Alec, talk to me. I need you to talk to me, I can’t stand your silence.”
Alec’s mouth goes into a hard line and he says not a word.
Magnus looks at him with pleading eyes. “I didn’t want to react the way I did, you just- You caught me by surprise and I’m with Camille and-”
Alec doesn’t want to hear it. He doesn’t want to know the truth, because it hurts too damn much.
“Magnus, it’s fine. Just go away.”
The wind is cutting through his coat and he huddles it closer. Magnus is still kneeling in front of him, like he is praying.
“Alec,” Magnus says again, this time more determined, and Alec can’t take it anymore.
Maybe, if he lets it all out, the storm will quiet down and he won’t feel a thing anymore. That’s what he wants. He wishes he couldn't feel a damn thing.
“What do you want me to say? I fucked up, Magnus, okay? I don’t even know why I did it - maybe because it’s been all these years and I finally just felt like I deserved to know. All these years and the way you’ve been leaning on me, out of all our friends, the way I was always there for you and you said things that you don’t normally say to your friends, and I just- Is any of this making sense to you?”
He takes a breath and Magnus is now looking up at him with a frown. “I always felt like you hated Camille. Especially her, not the others. And I felt as if I knew why, but didn’t really give much thought to it because I’d given up on that.”
Alec huffs out a sarcastic laugh. “I don’t hate her, Magnus.” He draws in a breath, “I wanted… I want to be her. To be where she was.”
Magnus’ mouth is slightly open but he is looking at Alec like he is the dumbest person in the world.
Alec feels his heart clench but he doesn’t say a word.
“Alec… Did you hear what I just said?”
He gives Magnus a look and sees the intensity behind those eyes. He mulls his words over again, confused now.
“You said you thought I hated Camille and then you said you...knew.” When he says it out loud it becomes clear to him.
“You knew.” he slowly says and he looks at Magnus like he’s seeing him for the first time.
“And I didn’t focus on it because nothing ever happened. So, I told myself I was being stupid and I never really… thought about it anymore. I was sure you didn’t either.”
Alec can feel his heart race a million miles an hour.
“What are you saying?” he doesn’t understand and for good reason - didn’t Magnus just reject him, when he kissed him?
“Alexander, I’m saying that you caught me by surprise and that’s why I acted the way I did. You never even let me speak.”
Alec now looks at Magnus, still kneeling in front of him.
He realizes how incredibly stupid this is.
“Magnus, I’m sorry.” he says and he hopes Magnus knows what he’s apologizing for. Not the kiss, not the ‘telling you I want to be with you’ part. None of that. He apologizes for not doing it sooner.
“Me, too.” Magnus tells him and Alec knows he understood.
Magnus comes up, standing before him, hands going to his shoulder to support him as he leans down and Alec stops breathing momentarily.
The pair of lips on his are soft and hesitant, so Alec presses back to let him know that it’s okay, and that everything is fine.
Alec feels the tension in his body just dissipate as Magnus stroked his cheek with his thumb.
When he pulls away, Alec stares up at him and sees the sun peeking behind the clouds and he can’t tell who is brighter, the sun or Magnus.
Maybe, it really is better to know than to be in the unknown.