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REGRETS

There are not many things that Wei Wuxian regrets in his life. One would expect otherwise from a person like the Yiling Patriarch; after all, he managed to get the four (remaining) Great Sects to gather in the (former) Nightless City for the sole purpose of killing him before he turned twenty-two. One would expect a long list of actions that sort of person wished they’d done, and a longer list of actions they wished they’d never done. But while there are many things Wei Wuxian wishes he'd done differently, there are very few he wouldn’t have done at all. 

He does not regret punching Jin Zixuan for insulting Jiang Yanli, even though it broke their engagement. In all honesty, it is possible they would’ve never truly gotten together had their engagement never been broken. 

Wei Wuxian does not regret drawing Wen Chao’s ire to himself in order to protect Lan Zhan. He does regret that it led to the burning of Lotus Pier, but if one was to be painfully honest, it would’ve happened without him. YunmengJiang shared the largest border with the QishanWen. QingheNie was too well fortified, and LanlingJin wouldn’t declare war unless it was forced to. After GusuLan, the Jiangs were the most logical target. And Wen Ruohan sent the crueler of his two sons to deal with YunmengJiang. Anything other than burning Lotus Pier to the ground was never on the table. 

Wei Wuxian does not regret giving his brother his golden core. He regrets every single thing it led him to, but if he was forced to make the choice again–give Jiang Cheng his golden core or watch Jiang Cheng waste away, die before his own eyes–he’d choose the same in a heartbeat. 

Wei Wuxian does not regret protecting the Wen Remnants. In fact, if there is something he regretted from that situation it was not protecting them sooner. When he parted ways with Wen Qing and Wen Ning, the Sunshot Campaign had not even begun yet. They had no way of knowing who would win the war, and it seemed likely then that the Wens would take over the entire cultivation world. How could he have promised to protect them then, when he had no sect left, and no golden core? But now he regrets not convincing them to defect, to find a way for the Dafan Wen to escape. 

His one true regret is losing control and killing Jin Zixuan at Qiongli Path, and even that came with caveats. He does not regret accepting the invitation to his nephew’s one-month celebration. It certainly wasn’t his plan to walk into an ambush, and he certainly does not regret defending himself. Why should he let himself be killed by some Jins because of someone he didn’t even remember accusing him of a crime he didn’t commit? It was the losing control part for which Wei Wuxian was to blame. He’d said over and over that he knew what he was doing, that he was in control, and the next thing he knew Jin Zixuan was falling to his knees with a hole in his chest. He made his sister a widow just because he lost control. He killed his brother-in-law even though he knew, logically, that Jin Zixuan was the one Jin there who wasn’t trying to kill him. 

If Wei Wuxian could go back and change things, he would still do everything he’d done before, just differently. Wei Wuxian does not regret his actions, but the aching, heart wrenching fervor with which he regrets the consequences burns with every breath he takes.

DUTY

Lan Wangji has few regrets from his twenty or so years of life, but each and every one of them seem to revolve around Wei Wuxian. 

After they were rescued from the Xuanwu cave, he returned to Gusu, because it was his duty to return to his sect and offer help in any way he could. He trusted that Wei Ying would return safely to Yunmeng and recover. In truth, Lan Wangji had not been much help. GusuLan had not trained its Second Young Master in the manual labor required to rebuild the Cloud Recesses, and until the Sunshot Campaign formally began, he did little else. Now he wonders what would have happened if he had gone to Yunmeng with them. He knows he would not have been able to prevent the destruction of Lotus Pier, but perhaps if he had been with Jiang Wanyin and Wei Ying when they fled the Wens, they would not have gotten separated. Neither have ever been forthcoming with the details on how exactly they got separated, and it is this that allows Lan Wangji to hope that he could have changed things for the better. Because if Wei Ying had not gotten separated from Jiang Wanyin in Yiling, they would not have spent the next three months searching for any sign of him. Wei Ying would not have returned…different, three months later.

But that regret is more of a wishful fantasy. Lan Wangji’s bigger regret is what happened afterward the war, when the cultivation world slowly but surely began to turn their backs on Wei Wuxian, despite the fact that they would not have won the war without him. Rumors are not permitted in the Cloud Recesses, but that has not prevented the things Lan Wangji has heard from other cultivators in the week following Jin Zixuan’s death. The things he hears now, as the four Great Sects gather to destroy Wei Ying and the Dafan Wen. Hanguang-jun was always at odds with the Yiling Patriarch, even during the war. They think that he is like them. 

That is one of his true regrets; that he was not able to express his true feelings at any point after or during the war. Lan Wangji has always been discouraged to express himself, and it doesn’t help that he finds himself tongue-tied any time Wei Wuxian is around. It certainly doesn’t help that every time he thinks to make a move, every instance in which he almost opens his mouth to say something, he is struck with the abject terror of being rejected. It isn’t that he can’t stand the idea of Wei Ying only seeing him as a friend, or that he needs Wei Ying to come with him to Gusu. He will be happy so long as he can keep Wei Ying safe; so long as Wei Ying is happy. But somewhere inside him is the bone-chilling fear of Wei Ying laughing coldly in response; What makes you think I’d want anything to do with GusuLan, Lan Wangji? Or sometimes he sneers; Is this Hanguang-Jun’s latest attempt to convince me to return to Gusu? And sometimes, in Lan Wangji’s nightmares, Wei Ying lays all sorts of horrible accusations at his feet, ones that don’t bear repeating. 

Yet Wei Ying rejecting him is infinitely preferable to Wei Ying thinking that he is like them in thinking that Wei Ying willfully killed Jin Zixuan. He thinks that Wei Ying was alone, surrounded, and then lost control, like Lan Wangji had always feared he would. He does not think that Wei Ying is evil. He doesn’t think that Wei Ying is a monster, or beyond redemption. It is one of his biggest regrets that Wei Ying does not believe that. 

Lan Wangji also regrets not protecting the Dafan Wen when he had the chance. Again, he let his duty to his sect prevent him from action. He knew that the Dafan Wen were nothing but a collection of elderly civilians, A-Yuan, and the two Wen siblings. They were innocent, and they were vulnerable, and by every virtue of righteousness that the Lan believed in, Lan Wangji should have stood by Wei Ying’s side and protected them. It surely would’ve been harder for the Jins to sway the public opinion against Hanguang-Jun, the righteous Second Jade, than it was to turn everyone against the demonic cultivator with no family to protect him. 

But truly, and he is ashamed to admit it, it is because of Wei Ying that he stood aside that night in Qiongli Path and watched them walk away. He did not see Wei Ying defending the weak and upholding justice, as they had sworn to do. He saw Wei Ying turning away from him, going to a place where Lan Wangji could no longer protect him, leaving him behind. He wanted Wei Ying to stay, not just because Wei Ying would be safer, but because Wei Ying would be there, with him. He wanted to convince Wei Ying to stay, and when he could not he simply watched and did nothing.

Now, he knows that the Dafan Wen had needed him. That this could’ve been resolved if GusuLan just offered to take charge of the Wen prisoners, or if he’d simply stayed with them. He did not, because he could not abandon his sect that way, and so instead he abandoned the GusuLan principles, his own sense of righteousness, and did nothing. 

Again and again, Lan Wangji has let what he was supposed to do overrule what he should have done. He was torn between his sect and Wei Ying, and now it may be too late to save either of them.

ROOFTOPS

When Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji first met, they fought on a rooftop. Back then, they were equals. The fight was almost a dance; a challenge between two people who had finally met their match. 

When Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji last met, they again fought on a rooftop. But this time, a massacre is raging, and both of them are desperate for reasons they cannot fully explain. Wei Wuxian no longer has a golden core. Lan Wangji is faster, stronger, able to play music that calms the mind and fly on his spiritual sword. (If there is one thing Wei Wuxian misses the most, it is being able to fly). Despite this, there is no doubt that Wei Wuxian is more powerful. Below them, 3,000 cultivators have assembled in the hopes that that will be enough to take down Wei Wuxian, and in truth, it is not. 

The sword glare of Bichen glints in the darkness surrounding Wei Wuxian. He stares it down with narrow eyes. He does not look at Lan Zhan. He dodges once, twice, as Bichen flickers in and out. Lan Zhan flies past twice, the momentum of his own thrust carrying him away across the rooftop. Twice his head turns right as he passes, twice Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji stare each other down, something indescribable burning between them until the air shimmers with rage and shadows. 

Chenqing is raised but he does not play; the corpses he has already raised will keep the crowd below from killing him for now. The Dafan Wen are still in the Burial Mounds, he still has to protect them. But Wei Wuxian came here spoiling for a fight, upset over the deaths of Wen Qing and Wen Ning, furious at the audacity of Jin Guangshan to organize this when amnesty was promised in exchange for the deaths of the Wen siblings. The immorality of the cultivation world will never cease to sicken him. 

“Wei Ying!”

Ah, that’s right. Wei Wuxian wonders, too, how Lan Zhan has the audacity to sound distressed when he’s the one trying to kill Wei Wuxian, and not the other way around. Bichen has returned to Lan Zhan’s hand. Wei Wuxian clutches the Stygian Tiger Seal to his chest and prepares to dodge a third time. Distantly, he remembers the first time they fought on a rooftop. He remembers being a lot happier. He remembers being a lot more confident that Lan Zhan wasn’t trying to kill him. He wonders if this is how it ends: on another rooftop, just him and Lan Zhan, locked in a deadly dance. 

ENOUGH

Lan Wangji has always tried to follow the rules. Despite what others may claim, he was never perfect. He has broken rules before, but this time he has broken none. He has done what his sect views as righteous. 

So why is it that Wei Ying stands across from him, only two meters away and yet so impossibly far? Why is it that his brother and his sect line up below, making a pact to kill the Yiling Patriarch? Why is it that no one but Wei Ying bothers to keep trying to be righteous, or to do anything at all unless it is at the behest of Jin Guangshan? 

Wei Ying is not smiling. He’s shrouded in mystical power, bloodless lips drawn in a thin line. His crackling red eyes show no recognition. He draws his flute in front of him, as if he and Lan Wangji are at odds, as if Lan Wangji is his enemy. (Aren’t they? Isn’t he? Tell the truth, Hanguang-jun). 

Lan Wangji has not turned away from his sect, has not stood with Wei Ying despite his desire to do so. He has followed the rules. He has done everything right. So why is Wei Ying pushing him away? What did he do wrong? Where did it all go wrong? Why is that not enough? Why is he not enough?

FAIR

Lan Zhan looks so upset, and it isn’t fair. 

Wei Wuxian has seen his share of an unfair world. If the world were fair, Jin Guangshan would not be a sect leader. If the world were fair, the Dafan Wen would never have been sent to a Jin work camp in the first place, and A-Yuan would have two parents instead of none. Lotus Pier wouldn’t have burned, Wen Chao would not have gotten away with all he did, and Wen Ruohan would’ve never risen to power. Wei Wuxian wouldn’t have lost his parents, if the world was fair.

But this. This has to take the cake. This makes the blood of Wei Wuxian’s face boil. This makes the fingers that grip his flute tremble in rage. Why does Lan Zhan get to be upset? Because he feels he has to kill a former friend? Because Wei Wuxian isn't backing down, isn't dying fast enough, wasn’t making this easy for him? He isn’t the one who drew his sword and attacked. He isn’t the one who moved first. What does Lan Zhan get to look so upset for? You want me to make this easy for you, Lan Wangji? You want me to just let you kill me? Why should I? Why should I?

Lan Zhan lunges at him once, and their friendship shatters. Lan Zhan flies at him a second time, and his trust is swept off by the winds. It’s not fair, Wei Wuxian thinks as he stares Lan Zhan down. But is it not? Is he not responsible for the death of Jin Zixuan? Doesn’t he deserve this? Lan Zhan prepares to lunge thrice, and Wei Wuxian wants to cry. Stop, he wants to plead. Lan Zhan, please, I don’t want to fight you. Not like this. Yet he’d rather fight than lay down and die, or accept whatever punishment the sects deem just, so he raises his flute again. If the sects were just, the Dafan Wen would never have been persecuted. He would never have had to rescue them.

Bichen flies at him a third time, and he does not stop to think of what this attempt will cost them. But whatever it is, Wei Wuxian doesn’t want to pay it. He cannot afford more losses. It will not be a fair price for Wei Wuxian’s actions. 

It’s not fair. 

KINGDOM COME

Lan Wangji has missed twice, and Wei Wuxian begins to raise Chenqing again. 

“Wei Ying,” Lan Wangji says again. His brows are drawn slightly together. He draws his sword back again. Wei Wuxian clutches the Stygian Tiger Seal tighter, pressing it again his chest with one hand while the other grips the flute until his pale fingers turn even whiter. 

Bichen leaves Lan Wangji’s hand a third time, and then– 

1.

Lan Wangji is aiming for the Stygian Tiger Seal, sure that if he can get it away from Wei Ying, his Wei Ying will come back to him. He does not know how he intends to talk the sects out of killing Wei Ying. He does not know if it is possible. But he is trying to balance both; he is trying to stop the sects from killing Wei Ying and he is trying to stop Wei Ying from killing the cultivators, because in a fight between Wei Ying and 3,000 cultivators, he does not know who will win, especially if Wei Ying has truly lost control. He does not want to know. So he flies forward again, Bichen steady and held in an expert grip. Wei Ying spins to the side, as he expected him to, and if Lan Wangji gets the angle perfect he can knock the Seal away. He is confident that he will get the angle perfect; he must be precise enough to hit the wing of a bird a hundred meters away, and that is a feat which he has accomplished in the past. (Though back then there was no resentful energy, no desperation, no Wei Ying). He needs to get it perfect, and so he doesn’t allow himself to hesitate. Hanguang-jun has always been precise, been perfect.

Bichen flies forward, and Wei Ying turns to the side. Then Lan Wangji’s entire world stops when Wei Ying leans just ever-so slightly the wrong way, like an afterthought, and Bichen drives through Wei Ying’s chest, right through the center of his heart. 

(Let it never be said that Lan Wangji is not precise). 

.

“Wei Ying, I’m worried that using demonic cultivation will hurt you. Everyone throughout history who has tried has died a horrible death. Please don’t do this. Come to Gusu with me so that I can protect you and help you.”

2.

Wei Wuxian doesn’t move out of the way fast enough. He just can’t. Lan Zhan isn’t holding back, and Wei Wuxian doesn’t have the strength or the speed that he used to have. He spins away but Bichen follows him. He spins away but Lan Zhan keeps his sword pointed at his heart, he spins away but he can’t get away from Lan Zhan fast enough; he spins away but Wei Wuxian has never, ever managed to get far enough away from Lan Zhan. 

Bichen nudges the Seal out of the way ever-so slightly out of the way in order to reach his chest. What is he supposed to do? He can’t get away fast enough. What chance does his normal self stand against the great Hanguang-jun when the great Hanguang-jun wants him dead? 

The sword glare flashes in Wei Wuxian’s eyes, but for a moment he doesn’t see the sword. He’s not sure if he closed his eyes, or if he was simply overwhelmed by the resentful energy. He doesn’t know if it was the resentful energy or if it was himself that whispers, Lan Zhan believes that you’re a monster, Lan Zhan thinks that you should be put down. You disgust him.

Lan Zhan is fighting him on a rooftop, but it is nothing like the first time, nothing at all. It takes everything he has in him to dodge, it takes all of his concentration. It takes an emotional toll that Wei Wuxian cannot, will not pay. 

Lan Zhan wants him dead. This, he knows, is his own voice, crying in the back of his mind while he tries to move before Bichen gets him. Lan Zhan is trying to kill him. Ah, he thinks then, a little distantly, a little mournfully. Even Lan Zhan? Yes, says the logical part of him, the part that’s clinically tracking the movement of Lan Zhan’s sword so that he can move and not die. He’s trying to kill you.

And then he does.

.

“Wei Ying, using demonic cultivation is wrong and immoral. Everyone throughout history who has used it deserved their horrible endings; using it turned them into monsters. You disgust me. Come to Gusu with me so that you can be punished until you repent.”

3.

Wei Wuxian holds the Stygian Tiger Seal over his heart, and Lan Wangji means to strike it away, but he misses slightly, fatally. The resentful energy is so thick it chokes him. He would not be able to see Wei Wuxian’s eyes if they were not blazing red. Wei Wuxian means to move away, but he missteps slightly, fatally. His doubt is so deep it drowns him. He cannot see his friend on the rooftop, only Hanguang-jun come to slay the Yiling Patriarch. 

 Perhaps Wei Wuxian should not have let the Seal stray from its place, but perhaps he hesitates for the barest of moments when he should’ve moved away, perhaps he thinks, for a worthless second, that if even Lan Zhan is attacking him, then perhaps he is better off dead–

Lan Wangji misses just slightly. There is resentful energy everywhere and he can’t really see, he is desperate, you understand, they are here to kill Wei Ying and he has to stop them all and then he missed, the great Hanguang-jun failed and maybe if he couldn’t see he should not have overestimated his abilities so, maybe he shouldn’t have been aiming so close to Wei Wuxian’s heart in the first place–

.

“Wei Ying, demonic cultivation is known to harm the user’s body and mind. There have been no exceptions. Come to Gusu with me.”

HEART

Bichen leaves his hand a third time, and then they both freeze. The sword has gone right through Wei Ying’s heart, sliced the organ neatly in two, and gone out the other side, severing his spinal cord. Wei Ying cranes his neck and looks down, then looks back up. Lan Wangji looks down the length of his sword as if he can’t believe what he’s just done. He can’t. 

(He will).

“Lan Zhan…you really…” Wei Ying gasps out. His mouth moves silently, but his last words are never given breath.  

In a fit of panic, Lan Wangji withdraws, but that just makes everything worse. Wei Ying’s entire body stiffens. His mouth falls open and he screams silently, then he shakes silently in a sudden cardiac arrest. A functioning adult body has a heart that beats 60-100 times in a minute. Wei Ying will miss every single one of those beats as his heart spills blood out of his chest. His heartbeat has already ceased. He starts falling backwards from the moment Lan Wangji withdraws his sword, but Lan Wangji catches him so very gently before he can hit the ground. 

Lan Wangji’s brows are no longer furrowed. His eyes are wide. Wei Ying still has his arms crossed in front of him, as if he’s trying to ward Lan Wangji off. Lan Wangji gently lays him down on the roof. Wei Ying’s hands loosen their grip on the flute and the amulet. His arms fall to the side as his body shakes silently. He spent the last of his breath on four last words, and now he finds he cannot draw breath for more.

Lan Wangji begins passing more spiritual energy than he knew he was capable of, but all the energy in the world cannot heal a broken heart. He reaches desperately down Wei Ying’s spiritual paths, and finds–nothing. Not a trace. Not a whisper. Just an empty, dark void where Wei Ying’s golden core should be. All at once so many things are obvious, and so many questions spring to mind, but Lan Wangji has no time for any of them. He begins to truly panic, because if Wei Ying has no golden core then how is Lan Wangji supposed to heal him? How is Wei Ying supposed to recover? (How could he have recovered even with a golden core?) 

For one terrible, unending second after he discovers the missing golden core, Lan Wangji does nothing at all. Wei Ying is so thin, so cold, so frail in his arms. His fingers finally slacken completely, and Chenqing rolls out of his grip and down the roof. Slowly, the corpses stop moving. Lan Wangji looks down at the slit in Wei Ying’s chest, where thick, dark blood is still flowing out. Wei Ying makes a horrible gurgling, rasping sound that makes Lan Wangji’s heart stutter in his chest. Lan Wangji looks back up at Wei Ying’s face. The resentful energy has mostly dissipated. His silver eyes are wide in shock. 

Wei Ying stares at Lan Wangji as if he’s never seen him before.

“Hanguang-jun has slain the Yiling Patriarch!” Someone yells, and the cry is taken up. “The Yiling Patriarch is dead! The Yiling Patriarch is no more!”

“Wei Wuxian!” The familiar yell of Jiang Cheng is distant but unmistakable. He’s angry, which means he’s worried. He yells again, from much closer by. “Lan Wangji, what did you do?!”

Then, even worse: “A-Xian!” It’s the desperate cry of Jiang Yanli, who is calling for her little brother. She’s only on this battlefield in the first place for him. “A-Xian, where are you?”

“Wei Ying,” Lan Wangji begs quietly. 

But he’s lost the ability to respond to any of his four names, and both hearts break in two.  

AT THE CLOSE

Lan Zhan holds him. He looks intent. Wei Wuxian doesn't know how else to describe Lan Zhan’s face. His mouth is set in a thin line and his eyes are narrowed ever so slightly. He looks intent, and Wei Wuxian doesn’t know why. 

He knows that he’s dying. So hasn’t Lan Zhan gotten what he wanted? There’s nothing Wei Wuxian can do to save himself anymore, so what does Lan Zhan need to look so intent for? He is quickly losing his focus on the present. Lan Zhan caught him before he fell. How gracious, Hanguang-Jun, he thinks blearily. The act will not make him die any faster or slower. But now his awareness of the world has faded. Lan Zhan looks down at him, but Wei Wuxian hasn’t the faintest clue what he’s doing. Dimly, he gets the impression that Lan Zhan is passing him spiritual energy, but that’s clearly a delusion. Even if it wasn’t wasted on him, why would he? Lan Zhan looks down at him, and Wei Wuxian wonders what he’s thinking. Perhaps he’ll never know.

Lan Wangji sees Wei Ying’s eyes close, and his own eyes widen in terror. But Wei Ying doesn’t see that, because he has closed his eyes. 

“Wei Ying.” You can’t die here, Wei Ying. Not like this, never like this. Please don’t leave me, my love. If you die now, that would make me your killer, and I cannot survive that, my heart is not built to survive such a treacherous act. Please, Wei Ying. I love you, I love you, I love you.

Wei Wuxian’s eyes flutter open when Lan Zhan says his name. He sounds…intense. But that was a part of what drew Wei Wuxian to him, even when everyone, especially Lan Zhan, told him to stay away. Perhaps he should have. But he always felt compelled to return, like a moth to a flame. A flame that would, in the end, be the death of him. He did not even know what his own last words would have been, before he ran out of breath. At least, he thinks, if I am to die, I will die with Lan Zhan holding me. 

Wei Wuxian dies on a moonlit rooftop, held by the man who loved him, and killed by the man who loved him.

Silver eyes meet gold eyes one last time. It feels like coming home. It feels like peace. It feels like dying. It feels like relief. It feels like mercy. It feels like remorse. It feels like regret. It feels like the end of everything. It feels like the world is finally drawing to a close. 

REWIND

Wei Wuxian is murdered by his soulmate, and the world rewinds.

He finds himself standing again. Chenqing flies back into his right hand, and his left presses over a wound that no longer exists. Lan Zhan points Bichen at him and then they’re both ripped away from the present, thrust through their crushing past. The ground disappears below them and the air blurs, flinging them through all corners of the world, from a retreat high in the mountains of Gusu to the bottom of a cursed lake deep in a Qishan forest. 

For ten endless seconds, Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji hold their breath.

Ten. Wei Wuxian dies on a roof with his heart cut in two. Wen Qing burns alive for uncommitted crimes. Jiang Cheng announces the removal of the Head Disciple of the YunmengJiang Sect, and stabs him. 

Nine. Wei Wuxian leads armies composed of himself and his power on the battlefield, leaving a legend in his wake but not quite creating a name for himself. Titles are not for the demonic cultivator son of a servant, head disciple or not, adopted son of Jiang Fengmian or not. 

Eight. He argues with Lan Wangji on every battlefield they cross paths on, losing their friendship inch by inch, by sharp-edged words and poisonous secrets. They retake Lotus Pier for the Jiangs. 

Seven. Jiang Cheng hugs him far too tightly when they reunite; Wei Wuxian is now far more fragile than he’ll ever admit to being. Wei Wuxian sows the soil of supervisory offices with Wen blood, the Burial Mounds offer revenge for unforgivable crimes and Wei Wuxian screams back his acceptance. 

Six. Wei Wuxian is thrown into the Burial Mounds, gives up his golden core, and Lotus Pier burns. They fight furiously, but Wei Wuxian is still injured. Madame Yu whips him with Zidian to satisfy her and Jiaojiao’s pettiness and rage, though he’s not quite recovered from the Xuanwu. 

Five. He’s half dead and delirious in a cave with Lan Zhan, plunged into the depths of the black cave water, and protecting Mianmian from a brand. 

Four. He accidentally pulls off Lan Wangji’s forehead ribbon, and wins the Wen sect archery competition, while Wen Ruohan sits on his throne and pretends he rules the world. 

Three. Wei Wuxian punches Jin Zixuan for insulting Jiang Yanli, and spends a month annoying Lan Zhan in the Cloud Recesses Library. 

Two. He’s pulled out of the water of Caiyi Lake, he’s getting kicked out of class for theorizing about resentful energy. Resentful energy that he doesn’t plan on ever using.  

One. Wei Wuxian meets Lan Wangji on a moonlit rooftop outside the Jingshi, jars of alcohol in hand. His sixteen-year-old’s self golden core is glowing, and his sword is sheathed with the careless confidence of one who does not expected to be murdered by the boy across from him, even as the boy lunges at him–no, at the jar of alcohol–sword first. 

SCARS

On a moonlit rooftop, two boys face off. One is glaring and the other smiling, until their future selves are lifted up and put down in their place. Then they both loose their footing, eyes wide in disbelief. Is this real?

The cool, crisp Gusu air filters through their senses. It has the steady, underlying scent of pines that they both know from the Cloud Recesses. The roof is sturdy under their shoes. The tree behind Wei Wuxian sways slightly in a breeze. The night is dark, but they can see each other as they were: sixteen and naïve, sixteen and Suibian by his side again, sixteen and repressed, in denial about the feelings this boy will make him feel, sixteen and arrogant, not yet convinced that one can bring about their own downfall through nothing but good intentions.

It’s real. 

Neither fall off the roof, but it’s a close thing. Wei Wuxian drops the alcohol, and Lan Zhan drops his sword. At any other time, Wei Wuxian would tease him about it. But Wei Wuxian clutches at his chest instead, at the golden core surging inside of him, and the sole scar remaining on a chest once littered with wounds, right where Lan Zhan stabbed him, a few minutes and a lifetime ago.

By the time he’s straightened, Bichen has returned to its sheath and Lan Zhan is staring at him. “We have travelled in time,” he announces. 

Wei Wuxian isn’t sure how Lan Zhan is sure, given that Wei Wuxian was convinced by his golden core, which simply can't be faked. He eyes Lan Zhan warily, mind already spinning with theories about the possible effects. Did their previous timeline cease to exist? Are they rewriting it now, or is there now an alternate timeline that just lost Hanguang-jun and the Yiling Patriarch? He doesn’t know how they time travelled, but it’s probably safe to assume this is permanent. 

“We time travelled,” he agrees. “We can save everyone,” he puts out there, for Lan Zhan’s reaction. He doesn’t know what he expects. To be called arrogant, to be warned about messing with the timeline when he doesn’t truly understand what happened and where they are?

“Mn,” is all Lan Zhan says. 

Perhaps Wei Wuxian should have expected that. But he wants to know what Lan Zhan is thinking. Is he remembering the burning of the Cloud Recesses, like Wei Wuxian is remembering the burning of Lotus Pier? Is he remembering the death of his father, or Wen Xu breaking his leg? Is he considering whether it is too dangerous to let the Yiling Patriarch run around Cloud Recesses?

 “As long as we pretend to be our past selves,” Wei Wuxian adds, partly because if he’s still Head Disciple Jiang, Lan Zhan can’t just attack him, and partly because he wants to believe that they’re rewriting the past for the sake of his own sanity. 

“Mn,” Lan Zhan says again. 

Then his brows furrow slightly, like he’s conflicted. He looks intent again, he looks determined, just like he had on the other moonlit roof. He takes a step forward, and although he doesn’t draw his sword, Wei Wuxian takes a step back. Not because he’s afraid, but because maybe dying once has taught him a lesson. (What lesson? What lesson?) Lan Zhan isn’t going to apologize for killing him, since he clearly felt justified, and in any case Wei Wuxian is no longer dead. Perhaps he’s going to ask if Wei Wuxian has done this, as a last-ditch effort to save his own life, using his arcane powers that Lan Zhan has never understood. 

He looks like he’s going to accuse Wei Wuxian of something. It’s just what he looks like.

“Wei Ying, I–” he begins, and that’s when Wei Wuxian finally breaks and runs off. It takes only one spiritual-enhanced jump to take him to the next roof. The use of his golden core is still ingrained in his bones, but this time he’s going to be grateful for it every time he uses it. 

It’s not that he’s afraid of Lan Zhan, because he’s not. At least he’s not scared of Lan Zhan hurting him physically, because he only got the drop on him once, and Wei Wuxian knows that with his golden core and demonic cultivation, he’s stronger, he’s more powerful than Lan Zhan. But he can’t let Lan Zhan finish. He can’t bear to hear the rest of his sentence, and so he dashes across the rooftops, heading for the guest dorms where he knows he’ll find a younger Jiang Cheng sleeping in their assigned room. 

He's not afraid of Lan Zhan, not at all. It’s just that he looked like he was going to say something that Wei Wuxian is afraid to hear. Wei Wuxian bears a thin line over his heart and on his back, a scar from where Lan Zhan fatally stabbed him. But there are some wounds, some invisible scars, that he cannot survive. 

RENEW

Lan Wangji does not chase after Wei Ying. He tells himself that Wei Ying is safe and that’s all that matters, and he returns to the Jingshi to sleep. (He does not sleep. He sees Wei Ying as he was in Nightless City all night long; bleeding out, choking out an accusation (“Lan Zhan…how could you?”) until the light faded from his eyes). He gets up at 5 am and tells himself that everything will be better now. 

Still, Lan Wangji is amazed by how easily Wei Ying returns to his past self. There he is, joking and throwing an arm around Jiang Wanyin like Jiang Wanyin wasn’t leading his sect to kill him. In fact, he smiles more now, seems so happy to see everything in a way only Lan Wangji understands, and uses spiritual energy every chance he gets in a way Lan Wangji also only understands. Because he knows now that Wei Ying didn’t have a core. He wants to know why, and how, but he doesn’t know how to approach Wei Ying and ask. Admitting that he knows would mean bringing up memories of the other moonlit roof, the one he can’t think of without admitting that Wei Ying died, and it is only through some unknown machination of the universe that Lan Wangji got him back. 

He is the only one to notice the subtle changes in how Wei Ying is behaving. They both attend the same lectures, and Lan Wangji still answers correctly when called upon, but Wei Ying is well-behaved now. He is careful not to draw Lan Qiren’s ire. He does not theorize about the use of resentful energy. And although Lan Wangji does not believe he pays attention in class, his conduct is beyond reproach. Outside of lectures, he is as wild as ever, but Lan Wangji does not call him out on it. He overhears Nie Huaisang and Wei Ying plotting to sneak alcohol in and does nothing. He hears them discussing… forbidden materials and does nothing. Most times, it is because when he approaches, Wei Ying gets skittish. He loses his smile and withdraws, and Lan Wangji cannot deal with that, cannot bear to be the one who killed Wei Ying’s smile, and so he stays away and only looks when he hears Wei Ying’s laugh. 

Other times, however, it is a selfish desire that keeps him away. When he overhears Nie Huaisang asking Wei Ying to help him cheat on a test, he hovers nearby, anxious to know if he will. Because if he does, and is subsequently caught, Lan Wangji knows that Nie Huaisang will be forced to attend additional classes as punishment, and Wei Ying will be sent to copy lines in the Library Pavillion every afternoon as punishment. With supervision. From the Head Disciplinarian, of course, who happens to be Lan Wangji. Knowing this, Lan Wangji allows himself to hope, shameful as it is, that Wei Ying will help Nie Huaisang cheat. He has so many things he wants to say to Wei Ying, and so far from figuring out how. He needs to apologize for what happened in Nightless City. He wants to ask what his plans are, from preventing the same future from occurring. He wants to ask how Wei Ying lost his golden core, and why he didn’t tell anyone. If Wei Ying is required to spend every afternoon with him in Library Pavillion, then surely, surely Lan Wangji will figure something out. 

But it seems that Wei Ying realizes this too, because he refuses. 

“Ah, Huaisang, how could you ask this of me?” Wei Ying cries, his voice light. “I’ll have to copy lines for a month!” He makes an exaggerated disgusted face. “Boring!”  

“But that’s only if we get caught,” Nie Huaisang wheedles, but Wei Ying has already decided against it.

Lan Wangji sulks away, which is to say he walks away like he was never eavesdropping, because that’s against the rules, and sulks internally while despairing about his chances of ever talking to Wei Ying.

Really, the only noticeable difference is that Wei Ying no longer seeks him out, but no one but Lan Wangji knows that’s unusual. No one even notices how Wei Ying keeps managing to avoid him every time Lan Wangji tries to approach him. 

Xichen, of course, notices the absurd amount of time he’s spent staring longingly after Wei Ying.

“You know, Wangji, relationships are generally fostered through conversation,” his brother chides him one day. 

After the afternoon lecture, Lan Wangji is free to do what he wants. In the previous timeline, he spent a great deal of this time overseeing Wei Ying’s punishments in the Library Pavillion, which is to say, getting teased mercilessly by Wei Ying for hours. He still oversees punishments occasionally, but Wei Ying was by far the biggest troublemaker in the Cloud Recesses. In this timeline, Lan Wangji mostly retreats to the Jingshi to prepare for the upcoming war. He studies every method of fire damage prevention he can find, but he can’t think of a way to stop Wen Xu from entering the Cloud Recesses in the first place. They let him within the wards, because they could hardly refuse entry to the heir of QishanWen. He has drawn up plans to subtly lead out a group of GusuLan disciples to “find” the Wen army preparing to attack, but cannot think of a way to convince his own sect to fight back. He keeps his notes under a floorboard in the Jingshi, where he once kept a stash of what was essentially Wei Ying memorabilia. The Jingshi seems so bare now, lacking any sign of Wei Ying’s presence in his life, properly in keeping with the GusuLan’s teachings about a lack of attachment to material items. 

Lan Wangji misses his rabbits. 

On the days that Lan Wangji does not retreat to the Jingshi, he finds himself hovering like an overgrown moth after the sound of Wei Ying’s laughter. He cannot remember a time when he was not attuned to the sound, and now it summons him to pavillions across the Cloud Recesses, where he finds Wei Ying and Jiang Wanyin roughhousing or sparring (fighting is forbidden, but the rules do not make a distinction between actual fighting and play fighting, which seems to be their only method of communication). He never moves closer. He’s mostly content to just hover in the background, happy that Wei Ying is happy. 

This is how Xichen finds him one day, quietly standing underneath a tree and watching Wei Ying push Jiang Wanyin off a bridge. 

“Young Master Wei seems to be a friendly, open person,” Xichen says. “I am sure he would not mind if you tried to talk to him.”

Lan Wangji cannot even begin to explain how wrong his brother is. He has tried, many times, to talk to Wei Ying alone. And each time Wei Ying made it very clear that he wants nothing to do with Lan Wangji. Most recently, he suffered the indignity of Jiang Wanyin and Nie Huaisang both lying for Wei Ying, who had once again not looked pleased to see him. His face always settles into that blank, polite smile that Lan Wangji hates seeing on him. 

Technically, Wei Ying is only following GusuLan teachings against being overemotional, yet Lan Wangji still hates it with a passion that surprises himself. He can’t stand the sight of Wei Ying looking dull. Even Wei Ying acting polite makes his stomach twist. He can’t stand Wei Ying putting on an act, like he did with the whole cultivation world when he pretended to be too arrogant to pick up Suibian anymore. Lan Wangji hates that mask, but he hates that he fell for it even more. 

He wishes that he could simply tell his brother that he has time travelled. He doesn’t like keeping secrets from his brother. But he has no way of proving that he did, unless Wei Ying supports him, and Wei Ying has made it quite clear that he wants to pretend to be their past selves. Lan Wangji made no promises about whether he would tell anyone, that night on the moonlit roof. But what he does remember from that night is the way Wei Ying trembled and then ran from him, before Lan Wangji could finish apologizing, so he holds his tongue and says nothing. 

So instead of trying to explain, he simply says; “Mn.”

“Is it Uncle?” Xichen asks, correctly guessing that Lan Wangji’s infatuation with Wei Ying goes beyond wanting to be friends with him. “I know Young Master Wei is a bit…wild, but he is an honest person, and his cultivation rivals your own, Wangji. Uncle should find few faults.”

“Mn,” Lan Wangji says again, miserably. His Wei Ying is righteous, and brave, and loyal, and he may not be entirely good but that is because of the terrible wrongs done to him, and through no fault of his own. His Wei Ying is still unafraid to defend the innocent even when no one else will. How could anyone find fault with him? Lan Wangji loves him so much it almost hurts. 

Xichen sighs. “I could perhaps organize a night hunt with the Jiang guest disciples and our own,” he suggests. 

Lan Wangji stares at his brother in horror. “Do not,” he begs. 

He hears the sound of Wei Ying’s laughter, and his head whips around again. Jiang Wanyin comes lunging out of the river to tackle Wei Ying over the side, and Nie Huaisang shrieks as water splashes on his painting. Wei Ying laughs until he’s bent over, while Jiang Wanyin fails to comfort Nie Huaisang, who is now dripping wet and clearly displeased. 

“Wangji,” he hears, and turns sheepishly to face his brother. Xichen looks a little amused, which means that he noticed that Lan Wangji turns to follow the sound of Wei Ying’s laughter. “Really, you worry your big brother sometimes. I know you wish to know Young Master Wei, and yet you won’t even try.”

Lan Wangji does not bother pointing out that Xichen himself has only one friend, and it’s Nie Mingjue. He does not say that he used to be friends with Wei Ying, but that he is no longer. He does not say that he wishes desperately to renew that friendship, but he has no idea how. 

In the end, he says nothing at all.

ANEW

Wei Wuxian had forgotten how happy his time before the war was, restrictive Cloud Recesses included. He’d prefer to be in Lotus Pier, the way it was before the war, but it’s enough to know that it’s still there, alive and well. Jiang Cheng still laughs now, and Wei Wuxian has his golden core back. He’d been denying how much he missed it until he got it back. He feels alive again, he feels born anew. He’s using spiritual energy any time he gets the chance, and even when he shouldn’t. It’s a private reminder to himself: he’s got it, he’s still got it. He almost feels too happy, as if he’s more grateful now for what he has because he knows what he could lose. He is laughing more now, smiling more, than he ever has. 

Of course, he doesn’t want things to be the same as before. So he stays out of trouble during the lectures. If he gets on Lan Qiren’s bad side, he’ll assign him to copy lines in Library Pavillion, and one of the things that Wei Wuxian is trying to avoid is Lan Zhan. He can tell that Lan Zhan wants to talk to him, but the last time Wei Wuxian spoke to him it was on a moonlit rooftop, and every time he closes his eyes he sees Bichen buried in his chest and Lan Zhan’s hand on the hilt, hands lowering him to the roof so he can bleed out in peace, he sees golden eyes widen as Wei Wuxian closes his eyes in relief–

So he’s avoiding Lan Zhan. So what? Lan Zhan probably wants to talk about the future, and that’s not something Wei Wuxian wants to talk about with him. He’ll ask what Wei Wuxian’s plans are, and all of his plans involve using demonic cultivation. Even if he doesn’t, he’ll doubtless ask if Wei Wuxian plans to use demonic cultivation, now that they have returned. And Wei Wuxian won’t be able to lie and say no, as if it’s something to be ashamed of. His demonic cultivation won them the war. He doesn’t regret using it, although this time he would prefer to keep it a secret. It’s better if cultivating resentful energy remains a wild, heretical theory to everyone else. And if Lan Zhan knows that Wei Wuxian plans on using demonic cultivation, he will…disapprove.

“Wei Ying.”

Speaking of the devil. Wei Wuxian startles out of his perch in the tree he’s lying on. He softens his landing with spiritual energy–he’ll never get tired of that–and effortlessly draws himself into a proper bow. Jiang Cheng looks up in surprise from the book he was reading at the base of the tree, and Huaisang jerks the paintbrush he was using on the fan he was painting. Neither of them heard Lan Zhan coming. Wei Wuxian suspects that Lan Zhan has been making sure to be quiet, because Wei Wuxian tends to run off if he knows Lan Zhan is near. 

“H–Second Young Master Lan,” he greets, smiling politely. And then he bows, properly, and hopes that there’s no rule in the Cloud Recesses against lounging in trees. 

“May we speak?”

Wei Ying notes Jiang Cheng frowning out of the corner of his eye while he desperately thinks his way out of this. “Ah, my apologies, but I have a previous engagement with Jiang Cheng. To…study. This text.” He pastes on a winning smile.

Lan Zhan frowns ever-so slightly, which means that he’s displeased. “Lying is forbidden in the Cloud Recesses.”

“I’m not lying!” Wei Wuxian protests. 

Lan Zhan’s frown gets half a centimeter deeper, so Wei Wuxian straightens and modulates his voice. His posture is so perfect that even Madame Yu would have to approve. Unfortunately, he probably has dirt in his hair, and a proper gentleman would never be sullied by something so dirty as dirt; just look at Lan Zhan! But otherwise there’s no reason for Lan Zhan to disapprove, so Lan Zhan has no excuse to drag Wei Wuxian off to–talk. Wei Wuxian doesn’t want to talk. He wants to forget. He’s trying so very hard to forget the circumstances around their time travelling, and Lan Zhan is just making that difficult. But it’s going to be fine. Wei Wuxian is going to fix everything this time around, and before they know it, he and Lan Zhan will be twenty again, and he will be able to look Lan Zhan in the eyes without remembering– it.

“I wouldn’t dare lie to Second Young Master Lan,” he says, very convincingly. 

Lan Zhan continues frowning, and Wei Wuxian realizes that he’s definitely lied to him a lot in the past, about the most inane things, but Lan Zhan can’t call him out on it because none of those things have happened in this timeline. 

“He’s not lying,” Jiang Cheng speaks up reluctantly. “We did agree to…discuss this text.”

Aw, Jiang Cheng! Defending your elder brother’s honor! Wei Wuxian wants to coo and pinch Jiang Cheng’s cheeks until he stops scowling. Jiang Cheng is the angriest, best little brother and Wei Wuxian would absolutely die for him. It’s still obvious that Jiang Cheng is lying, but Lan Zhan is apparently unwilling to call him out on it.

“Perhaps,” Lan Zhan continues doggedly, “We might arrange to meet tomorrow to discuss…another text?”

Lan Zhan is using books as a euphemism, and Wei Wuxian loves it. He wants to dissolve into laughter and tease Lan Zhan about it until his ears turn red. Instead, he’s casting his mind around for an excuse to be busy tomorrow.

“But Young Master Wei already promised to go to Caiyi Town with us!” Huaisang pipes up, and then quails under the glare Lan Zhan directs at him. Wei Wuxian has not, but it’s an excellent lie. 

Lan Zhan turns his glare on Wei Wuxian, who like Huaisang is incapable of looking him in the eyes, but for completely different reasons. He chooses to bow instead, so that he can look at the grass.

“If the young master will excuse this one,” Wei Wuxian says politely, and then backs away. Jiang Cheng and Nie Huaisang follow him, hurriedly stashing their books and ruined paper fans. 

It is only once Wei Wuxian is sure that they are out of earshot that he releases the breath he’s been holding. “Thanks for the save, Huaisang,” he says.

“Ah, it’s nothing,” Huaisang says cheerfully, his good mood restored now that Lan Zhan is no longer glaring at him. “Lan Wangji must really have it in for you, Wuxian…this is the third time this week!”

“Yeah, what’s his deal?” Jiang Cheng says grumpily. “He’s been following you around since we got here. You’d think GusuLan’s Second Jade would have something better to do with his time.” He eyes Wei Wuxian suspiciously, as if it’s his fault. It is, but there’s no way for Jiang Cheng to know that. “Wei Wuxian, I swear you always manage to attract trouble.”

Wei Wuxian squawks indignantly and shoves him into a tree. Jiang Cheng immediately shoves him back, and soon the incident is forgotten. 

So he’s been successfully avoiding Lan Zhan. It mostly just entails not getting in trouble, which is less effort than Wei Wuxian thought it would be because it mainly involves not doing things that he wants to do. 

For example, a few weeks later he has to refuse when Nie Huaisang asks him to help him cheat on a test, because he remembers the month he spent afterwards copying lines in the Library Pavillion with Lan Zhan. Well. There wasn’t actually a whole lot of copying lines involved. It was after that when Wei Wuxian brought him the pair of rabbits, he remembers. He wonders what happened to them. 

“Ah, Huaisang, how could you ask this of me? I’ll have to copy lines for a month!” Wei Wuxian makes an exaggerated face of disgust at Nie Huaisang, who is making an exaggerated pout at him. “Boring!”

“But that’s only if we get caught,” Huaisang wheedles. 

They’re lounging in yet another pavilion. Huaisang had put his fans away and actually tried to study, but gave up when Wei Wuxian and Jiang Cheng got into an argument about what the most loyal animal was and ended up fighting…err, sparring. Afterwards they got into another argument about Jiang Cheng studying too much (or, as Jiang Cheng put it, Wei Wuxian being lazy).

“Maybe you should get caught,” Jiang Cheng snipes. He’s still salty about losing the sparring match. He flops down on the grass, which is definitely against some rule, and points lazily in Wei Wuxian’s general direction. “That way you’d finally get to talk to Lan Wangji.” 

Wei Wuxian refrains from gaping, even though Jiang Cheng has outed himself as a traitor. “Jiang Cheng!” He cries, offended. He stands and makes threatening motions at Jiang Cheng, who doesn’t even have the decency to look. 

“What?” Jiang Cheng mutters. “You’re always looking at him. Always. Like a lovestruck maiden. It’s sickening. Huaisang, you’ve seen it.”

Wei Wuxian turns to Huaisang, a demand on his lips. Nie Huaisang hides behind his fan. “Well, you, ah, do spend a strange amount of time staring in his direction.” 

“I do not,” Wei Wuxian complains, even though he clearly has no allies here.

“You do too,” Jiang Cheng says; the wisest of retorts. “And then he keeps trying to talk to you, but you keep on running away. I don’t get it. Is this some strange courtship ritual I’ve never heard of?”

This last question is directed at Huaisang, but it’s Wei Wuxian who answers. “Jiang Cheng!” He cries again, this time actually offended. “Don’t you think if I was courting someone I’d be shameless about it?”

“Yeah,” Jiang Cheng says frankly. “I figured if you wanted Lan Wangji’s attention, you’d be throwing yourself at him, losing our sect face and making a fool of yourself.”

That’s…entirely too accurate for Wei Wuxian’s liking. “I would not,” he huffs. But he can’t help but remember how he single-handedly ruined the reputation of YunmengJiang. “I would never cause the Jiangs to lose face if I could avoid it, Jiang Cheng,” he says seriously.

“Whatever,” Jiang Cheng says uncomfortably. He always gets uncomfortable whenever Wei Wuxian gets serious, but Wei Wuxian needs him to believe that Wei Wuxian is not intentionally trying to cause trouble for him. It’s just that he’s always placed moral obligations higher than his obligation to the Jiangs. He does not regret rescuing the Wens from Qiongli Path, but that it caused him to abandon YunmengJiang when he swore he would stand by Jiang Cheng’s side forever is one of his biggest regrets. 

“I’m serious,” he insists quietly. “I know I cause you a lot of trouble, and I know I’m not a very good Head Disciple, but I a–”

“We should head inside,” Jiang Cheng declares, interrupting and then not meeting his eyes. “It’s getting dark out.”

Nie Huaisang gives them both knowing eyes over the edge of his fan, but he says nothing as the three rise and head back.

All in all, time travel is a mixed bag, but Wei Wuxian remains satisfied knowing that he could send a letter to Uncle Jiang and get a response. Still, he struggles with a constant, underlying paranoia that makes his room fill with new talismans. He’s inventing anything he can think of that might help them in the war, and he’s writing notes on possible applications of resentful and spiritual energy. He theorizes several ways to prevent the Wens from taking Lotus Pier, but it’s hard. He doesn’t want anyone to know he can use resentful energy, but there’s no easy place for the Head Disciple to just disappear during a battle. He also isn’t sure of the size or placement of the Wen forces, since Madame Yu sent him and Jiang Cheng away soon after the fighting started. He also needs a way to neutralize Wen Zhuliu, also without being seen. 

It’s a lot of work, and a lot of stress. And at night the fear still haunts him. Ideas run through his brain for another invention, another way to prevent the future’s horrors, to save lives. It won’t go away until the threat is gone, until the Wens are dead (and hopefully Jin Guangshan is too), and everyone that Wei Wuxian cares about is safe. Wei Wuxian was born anew for this second chance, and he’s going to give it everything he has. 

But until then, it is enough to know that somewhere down the Gusu mountains, Uncle Jiang takes tea with his wife and his daughter, and the junior disciples of YunmengJiang train under the hot Yunmeng sun.   

BREATHLESS

“Lan Zhan…you really…”

It is Wei Ying who looks up at him. It is through Wei Ying’s silver eyes, not his hateful red ones, that Lan Wangji sees pain and hurt and shock filter through until his face slackens into something twisted, cold and distant. 

“How could you, Lan Zhan?!” Wei Ying demands. His voice is so weak, but his words threaten to break Lan Wangji. “Why did you kill me? Why weren’t you good enough?!”

When Lan Wangji has no answer forthcoming, Wei Ying’s face goes bitter with disgust, and he pushes him away. “You’re nothing but a monster,” he spits, and his half-lidded silver eyes show nothing but resentment. He holds himself like an emperor on his deathbed, because he is really, truly, dying.

Wei Ying’s beautiful, bitter face dissolves into the face of Lan Wangji’s mother, as his six-year-old self remembers her; larger than life, louder than the sun. “You’re a monster,” she says, tenderly. She lays propped up on her pillows, on the bed where she spent the last couple of Lan Wangji’s visits. She’s wasting away. “After all,” Mother says, gently, gently, as if to soften the brutal blow she deals. “What sort of person kills someone they love?”

Lan Wangji wakes up, gasping for breath, hours before 5 am. Lan Wangji, what did you do?! rings in his ears; an unanswerable question. Blindly, he uses a bit of spiritual energy to light a talisman. His room is washed in pale blue light, and he surveys his room intently. A moment later, he untenses just a little bit. 

His room is bare. A shelf in the back holds a collection of odd items, most of which he never touches, and some music texts. His guqin lies on his table, properly cleaned, next to his inks and brushes. 

Quietly, Lan Wangji slips out of bed, kneels on the floor, and pries one of the boards up. His heart, currently thumping like a rabbit in his chest, settles when he sees what’s inside. There’s a collection of talismans, all of which prevent fire damage in some way when activated. Next to them in a neat pile are his notes. Most detail all that he can remember of the battles of the Sunshot Campaign. Usually, Lan Wangji has no problem recalling facts from memory. The Sunshot Campaign is, as always, an exception. 

There is nothing of Wei Ying. 

He does not have the Wei Ying’s Jiang Sect bell, as he once did. He offered it to Jiang Wanyin during the three months that Wei Ying was missing. He knows now that the Jiangs only wear the bells of their loved ones when mourning them, but at the time he thought it was an acknowledgement of their close friendship. Apparently Jiang Wanyin failed to tell his sister what happened to Wei Ying’s bell, because when Lan Wangji went to return it, he saw Jiang Yanli giving him a new one. He ended up keeping it in the Jingshi.

Lan Wangji doesn’t have the drawing Wei Ying made of him, or any of the other things Wei Ying has inadvertently or purposefully given him over the years. He is in the past, where Wei Ying has not given him anything, because Wei Ying does not want to be his friend, but Wei Ying is at least alive.

He puts the board back in place and returns to bed. He dreads falling asleep again, because he knows what lies behind his closed eyes. Wei Ying, silver eyes staring as if he’s never seen him before; Wei Ying, spitting his courtesy name or his title like poison; Wei Ying, dark robes soaking with warm blood as he lies bonelessly on the roof. 

Lan Wangji has been suffering from these nightmares ever since they came back. Each time, he jerks awake at some point during the night. Sometimes his cheeks are wet with tears. Sometimes he finds himself breathless, moments from throwing up on the Jingshi’s pristine floors. And every time, he quietly lifts the loose floorboard and confirms to himself that Wei Ying is fine before returning to bed. 

Lan Wangji forces himself to close his eyes. Wei Ying is in the guest disciples’ quarters, he tells himself. Wei Ying is sleeping. Or perhaps he is up drinking with Jiang Wanyin and Nie Huaisang. The thought does little to cheer him. 

Before Nightless City, Lan Wangji had already excused Wei Ying for Jin Zixuan’s death. He knew that Wei Ying would never intentionally leave Jiang Yanli a widow, or little Jin Ling fatherless. But now, he thinks, now he understands better what might have happened in Qiongli Path. How one can have the best of intentions and still watch as everything goes horribly, inexcusably wrong. How one can be desperate to apologize, yet believe they deserve no forgiveness. 

Despite the endless loops of his actions in Nightless City playing in his memory, Lan Wangji cannot see a way for that situation to have ended well. He still does not know what he should have done, or whether it was his intentions or actions that were unrighteous. Truly, he does not know if there was any righteous course he could have taken. Yet he cannot say that he lost control, or that his actions were affected by his use of demonic cultivation. He was in complete control of his thoughts and actions, and he still killed the love of his life.  

His heart rate does not settle. He knows that he will likely have a similar dream should he manage to fall asleep again. He suspects that he will continue to have these nightmares for a long, long time. He’s not sure if he’ll ever stop seeing Wei Ying’s death in his nightmares. And if he’s being completely honest, a small part of him does not care.

No one knows of what Lan Wangji has done to Wei Ying except for Wei Ying himself. There is no way to explain to his uncle or brother what a grievous crime he has committed. If suffering from night terrors for the rest of his life is the only punishment he’ll ever receive for murdering Wei Ying, then it is still far, far more merciful than he deserves.

Golden eyes close once more, and the nightmares resume.

LOVELESS

It isn’t until Lan Zhan stops trying to corner him that Wei Wuxian finally processes his death.

Well, “process” is a strong word for anything related to Wei Wuxian and his mental/emotional stability, and to be fair he’d been denying for a while that he had died–maybe he just temporarily lost consciousness before travelling in time! Who knew!–but at the very least he can’t stop thinking about Lan Zhan. He is also trying very hard to not think about Lan Zhan, and it’s one night when his brain is battling this out that he has his revelation about his death. 

Wei Wuxian has a surprisingly good memory. In fact, he is excellent at remembering things, and this is surprising only because anyone who knows him will say that Wei Wuxian has a terrible memory. To a certain extent, this is true. Details that people usually remember–names, conversations–slip through Wei Wuxian’s mind unless he makes an active effort to remember them. But when it comes to memorizing information, such as the GusuLan rules, Wei Wuxian is actually much better than most people, he simply chooses to not try most of the time. For things he cares about, such as information about all the different types of corpses and curses, the things Wei Wuxian faces as a cultivator, he is a veritable encyclopedia. 

However, Wei Wuxian is also very good at forgetting things. This is not a conscious act on his part, but rather a skill that he developed unconsciously, out of necessity, starting from when he was orphaned at five years old. 

Wei Wuxian remembers a surprising amount of information from before his parents died. If he was asked right before he was found by Jiang Fengmian to recall all he could about his parents, he would say that they were rogue cultivators; that his mother wore white in honor of her teacher, Baoshan Sanren, and his father wore black and red. He would say that his mother couldn’t cook and that his father was always making her laugh; that they had a donkey, and that one day they went on a night hunt and did not return. He even has a faded memory of meeting a girl dressed in lavender silks in a place that was warm and sunny, which he would learn years later had been a four-year-old Jiang Yanli. Wei Wuxian had far more memories of that time than any normal child did. 

If asked to recall his memories between the ages of six and nine, the years he spent homeless and alone, Wei Wuxian will shrug and say it is all one big blur, and he will not be lying. While it is true that he never wants to talk about that time, his mind subconsciously packs those memories into a box where he will never, ever have to think of them again. Some are impossible to forget, such as the packs of wild dogs on the streets of Yunmeng. But he can’t not say where he went, what he did, or how he survived. He cannot recall how many nights he spent starving during the winter. He does not remember how many people had turned away from the dirty orphan, but he remembers every single person who had helped him. Wei Wuxian remembers tens of thousands of inane moments spent in Lotus Pier with his siblings, but cannot recall a single individual moment from the Burial Mounds besides the fall and the hour he finally left it behind.

Before his death, Wei Wuxian could remember every single interaction he’d ever had with Lan Wangji, starting with the fight on the roof of the Cloud Recesses, and ending with the fight on the roof of Nightless City. But now that these memories only cause him pain, his mind does what it has always done and packs the things that hurt (everything) away in a box where Wei Wuxian doesn’t have to think about them, about how thinking about Lan Zhan hurts him, ever again. 

And for the very first time, it does not work. When Lan Zhan tries to corner him into conversation, all Wei Wuxian wants to do is run away. But once he is gone, Wei Wuxian cannot stop missing him. He wants to remember the delight of their first meeting, even now when it is an aching reminder of their final fight. 

It’s not that Wei Wuxian is afraid of Lan Zhan. He doesn’t know how. It’s just that he wants too much from Lan Zhan, and his brain has decided for him that ignorance is bliss. He wants Lan Zhan to say that killing him was an accident, or at least a mistake, but he’s terrified that Lan Zhan will not. He wants Lan Zhan’s respect, but he tells himself that he doesn’t care. He wants to forget everything about Lan Zhan, everything that he ever meant to him, yet he cannot bear to ever let him go, and it is splitting his head in two.

But Wei Wuxian has never really cared for the respect of the GusuLan Sect. He does not care for following rules unless he respects them. He likes and respects Lan Xichen, yet he only cares somewhat what Zewu-jun thinks of him. 

So why? Why is he so desperate for Lan Zhan’s approval? Why was he so determined to become friends with him? Why does it tear him apart now to even think of him? WHat sort of person can hurt him worse than Wen Chao and still be unforgettable?

Isn’t it obvious? Wei Wuxian realizes. You love him. Wei Wuxian thinks of Jiang Cheng in the Burial Mounds, how he desperately wished to stay, but was determined to make Jiang Cheng let him go. Is it like that? He loves Lan Zhan like a brother?

He thinks of how soft Lan Zhan looked with the bunnies, how he found his gaze naturally drifting to Lan Zhan in every situation. How he now lingers at the edges of Wei Wuxian’s vision, watching him as if he will go insane and start killing people at any moment, as if Wei Wuxian doesn’t notice. He thinks of the song Lan Zhan played in the cave. He wants to know the name of the song (he played it for me, me, me, remember that? Remember he was once your friend?) and wants to forget Lan Zhan ever indulged him (he was helping a wounded fellow cultivator even though he was also injured because that’s just the sort of person he is, forget you were ever friends, Wei Wuxian, forget it for your own sake).

No, he concludes ruthlessly. I was in love with him. But no, it’s worse than that: he is still in love with Lan Zhan. Because Lan Zhan has not changed. He’s still the best person Wei Wuxian has ever known. 

Once, Wei Wuxian had been something to everyone. The son of Cangse Sanren, the disciple of the immortal Baoshan Sanren. The son of Wei Changze, a man with no impressive ancestry to his name. The adopted son of Jiang Fengmian, forced into the lives of Jiang Cheng and Jiang Yanli. The fourth-ranked cultivator, or the Yiling Patriarch, renowned and feared for his skills. Lan Zhan was the first to treat him as if he were just Wei Ying. Lan Zhan was the one who once had dinner in Yiling with him, not because or despite the Yiling Patriarch, but just because Wei Wuxian had offered.

But Wei Wuxian has changed. He’s the one who crawled coreless out of the Burial Mounds, a little bit darker and a fair bit broken. Lan Zhan offered to help, as if Wei Wuxian needed to be fixed, as if he could be fixed. Lan Zhan had never seen his entire sect slaughtered, he’d never given up his own core for his brother, he’d never been abandoned, alone and dying, in the Burial Mounds. How could he possibly understand? (Wei Wuxian wishes he did). 

He’s the one who grew more and more paranoid, more and more lost, until Lan Zhan finally gave up on him. Lan Zhan is still brilliant and amazing and the person that Wei Wuxian is in love with. Lan Zhan’s only crime is hating Wei Wuxian, and that is no crime at all. Aiyah, Wei Ying, he thinks, have you truly so little self-respect?

Apparently he does. He wishes he could remember Bichen buried in his chest and loathe Lan Zhan for it, but he can’t. 

Wei Wuxian turns over in bed to face Jiang Cheng, who’s asleep on the other side of the room. Tears slide sideways down his face, and he puts a hand out to stop them from falling on the blanket. Jiang Cheng would tell him he’s being an idiot, and to get over it, and then he would threaten to break Lan Zhan’s pretty face. Jiang Yanli would give him a hug and say that one day he’d find his one. But he’s pretty sure–no, he’s convinced–that Lan Zhan is it for him, and he can’t explain Jiang Cheng that he’s in love with someone that Jiang Cheng doesn’t know he’s had a complete conversation with.

How pathetic am I, he thinks miserably as he falls asleep, to fall in love with my murderer? 

INTENT

Wei Wuxian forgot about the corpses that escaped until they showed up at the guest dorms. He still doesn’t remember them when he sees them, choosing instead to panic and think furiously about what change he has made that could possibly have set corpses loose in the Cloud Recesses. 

It’s still an hour before nine, not that they’re planning on going to sleep by then. The Lan disciples are already preparing for bedtime, like the good little disciples they are, so Wei Wuxian and Jiang Cheng are indoors. They’re playing a very intense game of Go when they hear the shriek from outside. Huaisang suggests that they go see what it is, probably because he’s tired of hearing them squabble over every move. They see through him immediately, of course, so it’s only when they hear the unmistakable sound of corpses that they abandon their game. 

Outside, they’re greeted with the sight of a Lan disciple with a large gouge down her right arm, trying to fend off four corpses. 

“What happened?” Wei Wuxian demands.

He and Jiang Cheng have already drawn their swords, and Wei Wuxian has dismembered the corpse nearest the Lan disciple by the time he finishes his sentence. 

“The corpses we were rounding up for a night hunt escaped,” the Lan disciple explains, wrapping a white sash around the gash in her arm.

“How many?” Jiang Cheng asks, once the last of the four corpses are taken care of.

The Lan disciple winces. “I’m not sure.”

Wei Wuxian turns at the sound of a guqin, but before he even sees the disciple he knows that it’s being played far too poorly to be Lan Zhan. Another Lan disciple, standing in front of the Lan junior disciple dorms, is trying to fend off several corpses with a guqin technique that Wei Wuxian has seen Lan Zhan use many times before. However, he doesn’t succeed, and Wei Wuxian watches him get mauled by corpses instead. He runs across the courtyard (despite the rule against it), but one of the corpses sunk its claw-like fingers into his neck.

“Don’t bother,” the first Lan disciple says when Wei Wuxian kneels next to the fallen Lan disciple. “He’s dead.” Her eyes glint with a strange satisfaction.

“Who is he?” Jiang Cheng asks.

“Su She,” she answers, and looks down apathetically at the body of her former fellow disciple. She doesn’t spit on his body, but they get the impression that she wants to.

“Ah,” Wei Wuxian says faintly, surprised by this hate for a Lan disciple. It wasn’t that he thought they were all like Lan Zhan, but he thought they were all good at following rules. Being this hated by a female junior disciple has to be against some rule.

 The Lan disciple is saved from responding when the corpses converge on the three of them. Wei Wuxian flips his grip on Suibian and prepares to send it out again, when the sound of a guqin rings through the night air again. This time it’s Lan Zhan, Wei Wuxian thinks, because he’d recognize the sound of Lan Zhan’s playing anywhere. 

Sure enough, when he looks up, Lan Zhan is floating on his sword above them. His playing froze the corpses in their tracks from the very first note, so Wei Wuxian stops wasting time in taking down the other corpses, Jiang Cheng by his side. 

By the time they’re done, the other guest disciples have emerged, along with a number of Lan disciples. Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian clean their swords and sheath them. Jiang Cheng turns to thank Lan Zhan formally for his assistance. Wei Wuxian had completely forgotten about that, mostly because that fell out of use during the Sunshot Campaign. 

Lan Zhan looks at Wei Wuxian, and doesn’t look away. Why won’t he look away? Wei Wuxian avoids looking back at him, but he can tell that Lan Zhan is staring at him. What does he want?

Now that the problem is resolved, the disciples begin to return to their quarters. Wei Wuxian takes the opportunity to slink back to his room, even though Jiang Cheng is still helping the Lan disciples clean up the mess. The sooner he can escape, the better. 

But instead of doing his duty and assisting the other junior disciples, Lan Zhan goes after him. “Wei Ying,” he says urgently, but quietly.

For a moment, Wei Wuxian wavers, on the verge of either stopping or running off and pretending he never heard Lan Zhan. Last night’s revelation is still souring in his stomach like rotten fruit, making him question his every action with regards to Lan Zhan. No one else has heard, he’s pretty sure, but it would still be abominably rude to turn his back on Lan Zhan. And rudeness aside, because Wei Wuxian has never cared about that, he’s never been able to ignore Lan Zhan. 

Wei Wuxian spins easily, falling into a proper bow. “Second Young Master Lan,” he says, slightly louder than is strictly polite, hoping someone will notice. No one is paying attention to them right now, but eventually some Lan disciple will look for instruction from Lan Zhan. And Jiang Cheng will come find him once Wei Wuxian has been gone from his side for too long. “What can I do for you?”

Lan Zhan’s brows are furrowed, but they always are nowadays whenever he sees Wei Wuxian. During his first time in the Cloud Recesses, Lan Zhan was always glaring at him, but that was because Wei Wuxian was always annoying him. He dislikes this more, because he doesn’t know why Lan Zhan is frowning; it’s not like Wei Wuxian is doing anything wrong this time! He doesn’t know why Lan Zhan is always frowning at him, but he hates it.

Lan Zhan continues staring at him, as if his stare can bore holes into Wei Wuxian if he just tries hard enough. Wei Wuxian resists the urge to fidget, or move at all, even though his natural state is to be in motion. If you have a question, just ask, Lan Zhan, he thinks, irritated. He doesn’t have anything to hide this time. He doesn’t know where these corpses came from any more than Lan Zhan does. It suddenly occurs to him that Lan Zhan doesn’t know that he genuinely doesn’t know. Maybe he thinks that one of Wei Wuxian’s experiments with demonic cultivation led to this.

On that thought, Wei Wuxian checks again if anyone is listening before speaking. “I had nothing to do with this, Lan Zhan,” he promises. He doesn’t know how much weight his word holds with Lan Zhan anymore, but all he can do is try. “I haven’t touched demonic cultivation since we returned.” 

Lan Zhan’s heated gaze does not let him leave, and Wei Wuxian panics just a little. “I swear I don’t know how the corpses escaped,” he says, because even now, even after all that’s happened, he’s still desperate for Lan Zhan’s good opinion. 

Still, Lan Zhan says nothing, so Wei Wuxian takes that as permission to go and bows again. Is that what you stopped me for, Lan Zhan? He wonders, annoyed. Is that all you wanted to hear? Wei Wuxian straightens up and turns around, but he doesn’t manage to take more than one step away before he feels Lan Zhan’s hand on his elbow.

“Wei Ying,” Lan Zhan says again. 

Wei Wuxian turns again, pasting another polite smile on his face. He hates being the same height as Lan Zhan in that moment, because it leaves him little excuse to not look Lan Zhan in his eyes, and he doesn’t want to. He doesn’t want to look at the perfect, perfect man that he fell in love with. He doesn’t want a reminder of how he fucked up another one of the important relationships in his life, he wants to run far away from his problems even though he bears the scars of how well that turned out.

He lowers his gaze to Lan Zhan’s chin, stays silent for once, waiting for Lan Zhan to speak, and pretends that his stomach isn’t twisting into knots in dread and anticipation. 

“The Cold Springs,” Lan Zhan says. 

Immediately, memories spring to mind. The one that Wei Wuxian finds relevant is the time Lan Xichen sent him to the cold springs to recuperate after being beaten, only to find Lan Zhan already there. Wei Wuxian had been in the middle of teasing him when they’d heard a disciple cry about fierce corpses that had escaped. Minutes later, Lan Zhan had been given his guqin by a helpful disciple and contained them. That had been about two months after the start of the lectures, the same time it is now.

So this happened last time, Wei Wuxian thinks, relieved. They haven’t changed anything major to cause this. It’s just that last time, they were both in the Cold Springs, far closer to the source of the problem in order to stop the fierce corpses before they ever reached the quarter of the guest disciples. It’s not my fault. Well, if he’d been acting as he had before, this wouldn’t have happened; that hated junior Lan disciple wouldn’t have died. So it’s a little bit his fault. 

“Oh,” Wei Wuxian says lamely, once the silence has dragged on for far too long. 

But now he’s confused, because Lan Zhan clearly knew this, which means he knows that Wei Wuxian is not responsible for the escaped fierce corpses. Yet he spent the whole time staring intently at him, which Wei Wuxian had taken as a silent accusation of guilt, which it apparently hadn’t been at all. What did he want, then? Why would he not look away?

Wei Wuxian backs away, and this time Lan Zhan’s fingers twitch but he doesn't stop Wei Wuxian. He finds Jiang Cheng, and they return to the guest disciple quarters. Nie Huaisang asks them about the whole commotion and Wei Wuxian lets himself get carried away with the rhythm of life, talking and finishing his game of Go against Jiang Cheng. 

But he can’t stop thinking about Lan Zhan’s gaze fixed on him. He can’t help but feel Lan Zhan’s stare on the back of his neck. Lan Zhan just looked so intent, and Wei Wuxian doesn’t know why, he doesn’t know what Lan Zhan wants, or what Lan Zhan wants from him. He doesn’t know why Lan Zhan wouldn’t look away, wouldn’t let him go. He used to know, or at least he thought he did, what Lan Zhan’s stares meant. Whether Lan Zhan was furious or annoyed or exasperated. But he doesn’t know how Lan Zhan feels about him now. He knows that Lan Zhan kept staring at him like he was a puzzle, a trainwreck, a flight risk, a problem that he needed to solve, but he doesn’t know why. Wei Wuxian doesn’t know why, but he’s thoroughly afraid of what Lan Zhan’s intent stare means. 

WILDFIRE

Lan Wangji is sitting in his Jingshi, methodically painting new fire protection talismans, when Wei Ying comes tumbling in through his window. 

For a moment, he is so struck with the parallels between the first time Wei Ying came through his window, holding a pair of bunnies, and Wei Ying now, that he simply stops and stares. 

Wei Ying lands on the floor lightly, and when he straightens, Lan Wangji sees the small bundle in his arms. 

It’s not rabbits.  

Lan Wangji forces himself to snap out of it and focus on the present. He rises to his feet smoothly, setting his brush down on the table. “Wei Ying,” he greets, uncertainly.

Wei Ying flashes one of his brittle smiles at Lan Wangji. “Don’t worry Lan Zhan, I’ll only take a moment of your time.”

No, Lan Wangji wants to say. Stay, stay. But Wei Ying is unwrapping his bundle, so Lan Wangji once again forces himself to pay attention to what Wei Ying is, rather than what he could be. The cloth wrapping unfurls, revealing a pile of talismans inside. Wei Ying glances guardedly at Lan Wangji before cautiously setting it down on Lan Wangji’s table.

“They’re supposed to work for short-term storage,” Wei Ying explains. “I tested them with small fires, but I don’t know how well they hold up with wildfires or…Wen Xu. But they should mitigate some of the damage.”

Lan Wangji examines the talismans, picking one from the pile to study more closely. They’re clearly Wei Ying’s inventions. He knows just about every talisman there is to know, and this isn’t one he’s ever seen, and Wei Ying is the only person he knows who could invent a talisman this complex for such a specific use. But all that aside, Lan Wangji likes to believe that he could recognize Wei Ying’s calligraphy anywhere. 

If he uses these and his current stack of fire prevention talismans, the Cloud Recesses doesn’t have to burn at all.

He looks up, and Wei Ying is still there, hovering uncomfortably in the corner of the room. 

“I didn’t use demonic cultivation at all,” Wei Ying assures him, as if that was anywhere on Lan Wangji’s list of concerns when it came to Wei Ying. “They’re just regular…I mean, I invented them, but–I just thought you could use them, if Wen Xu tries to burn down the Library…again.”  

He trails off, looking more and more unnerved by Lan Wangji’s continued silent staring. Lan Wangji knows that people have a tendency to be unnerved by the way he can simply stare at them in a way his brother once described as “intense.” But Wei Ying has never been one of them. Wei Ying never stopped bothering him despite Lan Wangji’s most intense glares. Wei Ying never seemed unnerved, never got scared, never left him. 

It is, Lan Wangji thinks, a tragic reversal of the first time Wei Ying climbed in through his window. Back then, he wanted him to go, but Wei Ying wouldn’t leave. Now, Lan Wangji wants him to stay, but Wei Ying wants to leave. Wei Ying looks afraid of him now, and Lan Wangji can’t stand it, can barely stand to believe that he is. 

Which is why despite all the thoughts raging in his head, all the things he wants to beg and plead and cry and assure Wei Ying, all that comes out of his mouth is; “Thank you.” 

Wei Ying looks caught off guard, but Lan Wangji doesn't know if it’s because he hadn’t expected Lan Wangji to speak, hadn’t expected to be thanked, or hadn’t expected his gift to be accepted. “Ah, think nothing of it, Lan Zhan, I’m just trying to help.”

And what’s your plan to protect Lotus Pier? Lan Wangji wants to ask. I want to help. Will you let me help? But he doesn’t know how to ask, so he says nothing.

A ghost of a smile crosses Wei Ying’s face, something of wistful nostalgia that Lan Wangji very much wants to read into. Does Wei Ying miss what they had, as he does? “At least it’s not bunnies this time, eh, Lan Zhan?”

At least nothing. I want my rabbits back, Lan Wangji thinks sadly. Can he ask for Wei Ying to get him rabbits again? He has a feeling that Wei Ying would, because Wei Ying is kind and helpful and does not even seem to be mad at Lan Wangji for his death, for some unfathomable reason. Probably because Wei Ying is the kindest person in the world, and lets go of grudges the way a good Lan should, though he would hate the comparison, in a way Lan Wangji cannot. 

“Sorry,” Wei Ying says, after Lan Wangji fails to say anything. What are you apologizing for, Lan Wangji thinks. “I didn’t mean to overstay my welcome,” he continues, making a shrugging motion as if to say he couldn’t help but overstay his welcome. Lan Wangji wishes that was true. “See you around, Lan Zhan.”

And with that, Wei Ying is gone again, gone in a flash, out his window and out of Lan Wangji’s life. He’s left reeling, with a pile of talismans as the only indication that Wei Ying ever stopped by. Lan Wangji should start thinking about possible combinations of the two sets of talismans, to find the most effective use for them. He should settle himself in for spiritual meditation before bed, because 9 pm is nearing, though he knows he won’t sleep tonight. 

But this is the most Wei Ying–the real Wei Ying–has spoken to him in months, and he cannot stop his mind from lingering on Wei Ying’s small, sad smile, or the way he hovered awkwardly at the edges of Lan Wangji’s space, unsure if he was welcome. It’s not how Wei Ying should be. He should be out-smiling the sun and bursting into rooms with the presence of a wildfire, because that’s just how Wei Ying is. He’s a wildfire moving carelessly through Lan Wangji’s life, and Lan Wangji stays silent and holds himself still, lest he catch on fire too.

SURFACE

On the surface, Jiang Cheng knows, everything is fine with Wei Wuxian. He still gets into trouble, still laughs and gets Jiang Cheng to do dumb things, but the longer they spend in the Cloud Recesses the more convinced Jiang Cheng is that something is wrong with Wei Wuxian. It only takes him so long to figure it out because for the most part, Wei Wuxian acts the same, but by the time several months have gone by Jiang Cheng has a full list.

Firstly, there’s that business with Lan Wangji. Jiang Cheng has no idea how that started, and at first he didn’t want to know. He was perfectly willing to turn a blind eye and pretend nothing weird is happening with them, but things have been getting weirder and weirder, and at this point Jiang Cheng is actively concerned for his brother. In the beginning, he just thought that Lan Wangji had developed an obsession with his brother. 

During the first couple of days, Wei Wuxian had been strangely subdued. He didn’t break any rules or do anything, really, which probably should’ve been his first warning. Yet out of the blue, the Second Jade of Lan approached his brother, asking to talk. While Jiang Cheng was busy gaping in shock, Wei Wuxian smoothly and politely turned him down, and in the next second he vanished. Jiang Cheng found him later and yelled at him for being rude to Lan Wangji, which leads to the second thing wrong with Wei Wuxian, but this continued for several weeks–Lan Wangji hovering around Wei Wuxian, Wei Wuxian finding excuses to leave–before Jiang Cheng noticed that Wei Wuxian would not stop staring at Lan Wangji. That’s when he considered that they were in the weirdest flirting ritual he’d ever heard of, which Wei Wuxian denied frantically. And really, if Wei Wuxian did have a crush on someone, Jiang Cheng would expect him to relentlessly bother them until they paid him attention.

“Wei Wuxian!” He’s yelling again, because after today’s lecture, Wei Wuxian vanished, didn’t show up for dinner (not actually against the rules), and now has the gall to show up five minutes before 9 pm and act like nothing’s wrong and he didn’t just disappear for half a day. 

Wei Wuxian skids to a stop in front of Jiang Cheng, a bright grin on his face that Jiang Cheng is ignoring in favor of looking him up and down in search of something off. On the surface, there’s nothing that Jiang Cheng can see that looks off, except for some ink stains on his robes, but there’s no way Wei Wuxian disappeared for half a day just for to write. 

“What?” His idiot brother has the gall to ask.

Jiang Cheng tries and fails not to grit his teeth. “Where’ve you been all day?” 

Wei Wuxian gets that stupid, smug look on his face. “Aw, Jiang Cheng, were you worried?” He coos.

“No!” Jiang Cheng says immediately, cheeks flaming, when in truth he’s been doing nothing but worrying about him for the past hour. “Why would I worry about you?” 

Wei Wuxian gasps, feigning offense. “Jiang Cheng! I’m hurt!” 

He goes to flounce off, but Jiang Cheng grabs his wrist before he can escape. “You disappeared for half the day,” he reiterates. “Where were you?”

But Wei Wuxian doesn’t look remotely interested in actually answering the question. “You do care!” He declares, and goes to squish Jiang Cheng’s cheeks, an attempt which he readily avoids. 

“I care about you ruining our sect name!” Jiang Cheng shouts, shoving Wei Wuxian away. “I worry about you embarrassing us by causing trouble!”

For a split second, Wei Wuxian actually looks worried. “Is it against their rules to skip dinner?”

“No,” Jiang Cheng admits, “but y–”

“Then there’s no reason to be worried!” Wei Wuxian concludes, smiling again. 

He tries to move past Jiang Cheng into their dorm, but Jiang Cheng blocks the doorway. “But that’s still no reason to disappear all day!”

Wei Wuxian pouts at him. “Am I not allowed to spend time with myself, Jiang Cheng?”

But you never like to be alone, Jiang Cheng wants to say. When Wei Wuxian first started disappearing, Jiang Cheng suspected that he was sneaking off with Lan Wangji, but he saw Lan Wangji in the training fields while Wei Wuxian was still gone. And this is the first time Wei Wuxian has missed a meal. Wei Wuxian never misses food. Jiang Cheng immediately thought of Wei Wuxian as soon as he heard the GusuLan rule about excess food, sure that Wei Wuxian would try to find a way to break it. But he hasn’t done that either. 

“You should be where I can keep an eye on you!” Jiang Cheng splutters. “So I–know you’re not getting into trouble!” 

“I’m not getting into trouble!” Wei Wuxian looks like his normal self for a second, theatrically outraged, before he settles into something unfamiliarly serious. “I promise I’m not causing problems for the sect, okay, Jiang Cheng? And if I do have problems, they’re my problems. I don’t expect the Jiang sect to put up with them. I’ll make sure you won’t have to, so you don’t have to worry about me, okay?”

“Good,” Jiang Cheng manages. “That’s. Right.” He jabs a finger in warning at Wei Wuxian, who unlike him, doesn’t look remotely unsettled, and stalks back to their room. At some point their conversation went completely off the rails, and Jiang Cheng has no idea how to get it back on track, so he gives up.

This. This is what’s wrong with Wei Wuxian. He’s turning into the Head Disciple that Mother wants him to be. He’s not around to show Jiang Cheng up, and when he is around, he’s not embarrassing the Jiangs with his behavior. He’s still no model disciple, but he’s outrageously respectful to Lan Wangji, and he’s not causing chaos during lectures like Jiang Cheng was so sure he would. 

He’s been withdrawing from Jiang Cheng, closing himself off like they really are heir and head disciple and not brothers, just like Mother always says. And ever growing is the fear that Jiang Cheng is pushing him away. He just doesn’t know how to express love without yelling. It’s been that way ever since Jiang Cheng can remember. Wei Wuxian has always known he doesn’t mean it, but now he acts like he’s not sure. He supposes that it’s possible that Wei Wuxian has decided to shape up since they came to the Cloud Recesses, but he finds it highly unlikely. He knows that he yells at Wei Wuxian a lot for not taking things seriously, but he didn’t expect Wei Wuxian to, well, take that seriously. Now he feels like he’s lost something vital, but he doesn’t know what it is or how to get it back. 

On the surface, everything is fine. But underneath, Jiang Cheng is deeply terrified that his mother has finally succeeded in taking away his brother, and she’s not even here to see it.

LIFELINE

When Jiang Yanli receives a letter from Jiang Cheng and not Wei Ying, she knows something is wrong. Jiang Cheng sends letters regularly, and Wei Ying sends them sporadically, so she is not surprised when she doesn’t hear from Wei Ying for a month. But she is concerned when she hears nothing from Jiang Cheng for weeks. She was on the verge of sending a letter when Jiang Cheng finally sent her a five-page study on everything that has apparently gone wrong with Wei Ying since the start of the Cloud Recesses. She has noticed from both of their letters that Wei Ying has not been getting up to his usual antics, but didn’t think it a concern until now. 

Based on Jiang Cheng’s letter, she’s forced to reconsider her position. One question to her parents confirms that they haven’t heard anything from either. She’s not in the slightest bit surprised that Jiang Cheng wrote to her and not them. Tucked into the very end of his letter is two sentences worrying about whether she thinks it’s Wei Ying finally listening to all the things their mother shouts at him, so of course he didn’t ask her. And she knows Jiang Cheng hates having problems in front of their father, especially if it involves Wei Ying. 

Jiang Yanli prides herself in her ability to read between the lines of what her brothers are saying and see what they actually mean, a feat which neither of her parents have ever managed. She likes to feel needed, because so often she doesn’t. She barely has a golden core, and she’s a woman. There’s very little she can offer her sect, other than comfort her brothers and to make them soup. And really, anyone could make them soup. So she’s almost frightened when she reads Jiang Cheng’s letter and cannot figure out what has happened to Wei Ying. She is able to read between the lines of Jiang Cheng’s writing and see what he’s truly worried about.  He’s worried that he’s too much like their mother, and that he’s pushing Wei Ying away. But her A-Xian, on the other hand?

She has no idea why he’s acting like this, and it’s scaring her. 

Nonetheless, she writes to both of them. She tries to help them both, because that’s what she knows how to do. 

So she writes a letter to Jiang Cheng. A-Cheng, please be honest about your feelings with A-Xian. Say that you’re worried about him. You know A-Xian is a bit thick when it comes to feelings. Also, tell A-Xian that I am very worried about him.

Jiang Yanli knows which one of those statements Jiang Cheng will say. She thinks it a pity that they do not listen to her, considering they need her so much. Sometimes she wonders what would’ve happened if Jiang Cheng had been an only child when their father brought Wei Ying back to Lotus Pier. She knows, a little vindictively, that she was the one–still is the only one–who managed to get them to get along. They need her. 

A-Xian, she writes. Jiang Cheng is very worried about you. Jiang Yanli knows that Wei Ying will not believe that Jiang Cheng is worried about him unless Jiang Cheng says so, and Jiang Cheng’s pride will not allow him to. Still, she allows herself to hope that this time they will see that she is right, and they will solve their problems by themselves. 

A-Cheng says that you haven’t been acting like yourself. If something’s wrong, you know you can always tell me, okay? I’m very worried about you, and I’ll be worried until I know what’s wrong. I’m always here for you, A-Xian. Even if you can’t tell me, please reach out to someone. It’s a terribly sad thing, to be alone. Promise me that you’ll try, for me.

Alone in his room in the Cloud Recesses, Wei Wuxian allows himself to put his head in his hands. Yanli’s letter falls on the table. He wishes he could confide in Jiang Yanli. He really does. Wei Wuxian has never been in a habit of sharing his secrets, but he’s also never been able to deny Jiang Yanli when she asked for something. A tugging feeling of guilt twists in his stomach, berating him for making her worry. 

Wei Wuxian tries to think of a believable lie to tell her. He’s never truly managed to hide anything from her, not completely. He doesn’t expect to now, even though she’s far away in Lotus Pier. But his mind is completely blank, and he struggles to think of a believable excuse for time travel and the crushing responsibility he feels to save YunmengJiang.

He wishes Jiang Yanli were here. If she were, she’d tell him (nicely) that he was being stupid. She’d make him take a break, make him relax and go to dinner with the other guest disciples. 

Wei Wuxian has finally found a way to save Lotus Pier while also keeping his involvement a secret. It involves a singular use of demonic cultivation, the hardest and most complicated since Wen Ning’s resurrection. He’s not especially looking forward to it. If everything goes right, he’ll sneak out at midnight and be back before two hours have passed. 

If Jiang Yanli were here, she’d be the one to catch him if he falls. She’s always been his lifeline out of the darkness. But Wei Wuxian can’t tell anyone about this. Not Jiang Yanli, and certainly not Lan Zhan. So when the midnight moon hangs low over the Gusu mountains, Wei Wuxian heads out alone into the dark. 

LEGEND

Lan Wangji is woken up by the soft thud of feet outside his room. Or perhaps it is more accurate to say he snaps to attention at the sound, because he is not quite asleep yet. He’s still drifting, thinking about Wei Ying’s gift, and dreading this night’s inevitable nightmare. 

He sits up and catches a flash of something dark disappearing into the inky night, away from the Cloud Recesses. There’s no reason to suspect the person to be Wei Ying, when he has no evidence to support that theory. Just because the image of Wei Ying drinking or running from him on top of the wall of the Cloud Recesses is burned in his brain does not mean that every person on the rooftop must be Wei Ying. Even if he very much wishes it was. 

Really, there’s no reason for Lan Wangji to get out of bed based on a mere suspicion. He could’ve simply imagined the blur in the dark. Perhaps it was an animal. Lan Wangji has spent enough sleepless nights in the Jingshi that it’s possible his brain is just trying to distract him. 

“Pathetic,” Wei Ying spits in his dreams. “After all this time, you still can’t say it.”

“Wei Ying,” he begs, “I lo–” but the words catch in his throat, again and again and again. “I–”

“Or is this how all Lans treat the people they love?” Wei Ying sneers. “Perhaps it is only–”

Lan Wangji gets out of bed. 

He dresses in the dark and clips Bichen to his belt before leaving the Jingshi. Moments later, he’s atop the roof of the Cloud Recesses. He’s breaking the rules, and if asked would not be able to explain why. It is one thing to pace one’s own quarters when sleep proves to be elusive, but it is another to leave the Cloud Recesses simply on a whim.

Nevertheless, he does. Lan Wangji speeds down the slopes of Gusu on Bichen, the cold night air biting his face as he outrushes the wind. It is not long before he finds himself above Caiyi, flying over rooftops and past deserted streets. Without knowing, without even thinking about it, really, he directs Bichen towards Caiyi Lake.

The lake is alive tonight. The moon’s reflection pools in the center of the lake, spilling faint light over the surface of the dark, churning water. Little sprays of water fly up everywhere. None are high enough to reach Lan Wangji, but he feels the mist all the same. Over the whirling waters of the lake he detects the stench of water ghouls. This is the waterborne abyss. The water froths and churns, the ghouls moans, all writhing frantically against an unseen force. 

And above it all is Wei Ying, floating on Suibian and a flute in his hands. Dark shadows surround him, whipping up his wild black hair until vile resentful energy engulfs his entire figure. His eyes are a bright demonic red again, for the first time in months. His new flute is bone-white and adorned with a blue tassel. Lan Wangji suspects that somewhere, a Lan spiritual dizi is missing, but it’s the least of his worries. More pressing is the demonic magic hiding Wei Ying in shadows, stealing Wei Ying from him. 

Wei Ying is only four meters from him, but he feels so distant. He floats above the frothing lake in an arcane, horrifically elegant display of power, and he doesn’t look like Wei Ying at all. This is the man who could bring the cultivation world to its knees. This is the legend, the Yiling Patriarch, not his Wei Ying.

Lan Wangji can feel his heart fluttering in his throat. He’s so scared for Wei Ying. It’s a familiar fear that wrenched its way into Lan Wangji’s heart ever since he first saw Wei Ying wreathed in shadows, that returned every time he saw Wei Ying playing with corpses or dabbling with blood curses. He hasn’t felt it in months, ever since they returned, but it comes back now even stronger because he doesn’t understand.

He knows now that Wei Ying lost his golden core. He has a good idea as to why if not how, since it is unlike Wei Ying to keep secrets like this when he typically does not care what others think of him. He understands Wei Ying’s desire to fight, using the only path left to him. What Lan Wangji doesn’t understand is why Wei Ying is using demonic cultivation now. Wei Ying has his golden core back; he’s seen him use it day after day after day. He’s as strong as he used to be.     

Lan Wangji is well aware just how much Wei Ying and his demonic cultivation contributed to the war effort. That doesn’t mean he wants to believe that they would have lost without it. And it certainly doesn’t mean he wants Wei Ying to use demonic cultivation, which he still doubts can be used without corrupting the body and mind, despite how easily Wei Ying returned to his past self. 

Wei Ying raises his flute and begins to play. The waterborne abyss surges in response, fighting against him until two separate sets of shrieking fill the air. Lan Wangji sees the bright flash of a silver pouch hovering in the air in front of Wei Ying, and his mind flashes back to the Stygian Tiger Seal. Wei Ying wouldn’t, he tries to convince himself. Not after last time. The hollow roar of the water resounds in the air, while the waterborne abyss rises in the air and funnels towards Wei Ying. 

Lan Wangji reaches for his guqin, determined to protect Wei Ying, to help in any way he can. It’s clear that Wei Ying is trying to control the waterborne abyss, but though Lan Wangji should know better than to doubt his abilities, he fears that Wei Ying will fail.

“Wei Ying,” Lan Wangji breathes. 

Somehow, over the thundering water, the moans of the corpses, and the high, tortured shriek of his own flute, Wei Ying still hears him. He turns, looking defensive and then surprised when he sees Lan Wangji. 

“Lan Zhan,” he says, over the hissing lake, “you have to get out of here.”

Lan Wangji finds all his words clogged in his throat. There’s still so many things he wants to say to Wei Ying. First he has to apologize for Nightless City, but he also wants to shake Wei Ying by the shoulders and ask why he’s risking his health again by using demonic cultivation. He wants to ask if his theory about Wei Ying’s golden core is correct, but he’s afraid to tell Wei Ying that he knows, when Wei Ying had clearly never planned on telling anyone. He wants to assure Wei Ying that he can continue pushing Lan Wangji away for the rest of their lives, but Lan Wangji will still never stop trying to help him. 

Instead, Lan Wangji finds himself staring at a violent and crimson Wei Ying. He doesn’t leave, but Wei Ying continues playing his flute. Slowly, the waterborne abyss is corralled and sucked into the silver pouch, while complex arrays flash overhead. The dark waters fight and the corpses try to claw at Wei Ying. Lan Wangji is by his side in a flash, forcing the corpses back before they can hurt Wei Ying. He remembers fighting the waterborne abyss back when they were actually sixteen, and cannot imagine what it takes to control a force that powerful.

Nonetheless, it is Wei Ying who wins the fight. The waterborne abyss, which at first seemed endless in its depth and grandeur, disappears into the silver seal Wei Ying has made, corpses, infected water and all. A final crimson red array burns brightly, and all the seals on the pouch glow. Lan Wangji can tell that Wei Ying has put a lot of thought and effort into making a seal powerful enough to hold a waterborne abyss. He doesn’t doubt that they are, but he doesn’t trust Wei Ying to not absentmindedly just leave it somewhere. 

Wei Ying lowers his flute, and he snatches the silver pouch from the air. The water below them settles, once more reflecting moonlight. Lan Wangji draws back, watching Wei Ying as he tucks his flute and the silver pouch into his belt and turns to face Lan Wangji. The crimson light fades from his eyes, and he starts to sway on Suibian. Lan Wangji doesn’t dare reach out to help.

Why? He wants to ask. Why did you do this, Wei Ying? Why would you pick up demonic cultivation again? Is its power truly necessary? Is its power too alluring? Is the world cruel enough, unfair enough to ask this of you? Why, why, why? All of his apologies and explanations catch in his throat. Wei Ying is looking at him like he’s a stranger. 

“Wei Ying,” he says again, unable to express his true horror at the thought of losing Wei Ying again. “What have you done?” 

FALL

Wei Wuxian admits that he panicked a little when he saw Lan Zhan watching him. Lan Zhan wasn’t supposed to be here.

“Wei Ying,” Lan Zhan breathes. “What have you done?”

There’s so many ways to respond to that, he doesn’t know how to even begin. In the end, he doesn’t, because Lan Zhan is looking at him like he’s disappointed, and Wei Wuxian’s stomach curdles in guilt. He knows he shouldn’t feel guilty, but he’s always been looking for Lan Zhan’s approval. Wei Wuxian wouldn’t let Lan Zhan’s opinion stop him from doing something that he has to do, but that doesn’t mean he likes how Lan Zhan is looking at him.

“None of your business,” Wei Wuxian snarls. If Lan Zhan is going to treat him like he’s a wicked demonic cultivator sneaking away in the dark of night, then he’s going to damn well act like it.   

Lan Zhan’s golden eyes flicker to the silver pouch on his belt. “Demonic cultivation–”

“Harms the body and mind, I know,” Wei Wuxian interrupts impatiently. He doesn’t fancy being lectured about it by Lan Zhan again. “We still need it, Lan Zhan.” He refrains from pointing his new flute at Lan Zhan, because no matter how defensive he’s feeling, he doesn’t want to fight Lan Zhan. It feels more like Lan Zhan wants to fight and Wei Wuxian is unwilling to back down, but he’d still rather not. “You need my wicked tricks to win the war.”

Lan Zhan shifts from looking disappointed in him to frowning at him, as if he can’t quite wrap his head around the fact that QishanWen currently rivals all the other Great Sects put together in power, and nobody went into the war thinking the Wens were going to lose. Wei Wuxian has worked hard to find ways to minimize his use of demonic cultivation, thus sparing himself and YunmengJiang the loss in reputation. He’s not surprised to find that this isn’t good enough for Lan Zhan. 

“What do you intend to use the waterborne abyss for?” Lan Zhan asks, instead of refuting Wei Wuxian’s argument.

Drowning any and all Wen boats that dare approach Lotus Pier with their armies. “None of your business,” Wei Wuxian snarls again. 

“It is not safe,” Lan Zhan insists. 

Wei Wuxian refrains from rolling his eyes, mostly because it’s not funny, and partly because the act would likely make him dizzy. “I spent a long time making sure I have this under control,” he says. He can’t afford a repeat of last time. “I’m not going to suddenly go crazy and start burning down villages, okay?” When Lan Zhan only stares at him, Wei Wuxian rolls his eyes and looks away, like his heart isn’t splintering somewhere Lan Zhan can’t see it. “Right,” he scoffs. “I forgot Hanguang-jun doesn’t trust me.”

He can’t in full honesty say that he trusts Lan Zhan with everything, so perhaps it’s only deserved. Still, knowing that Lan Zhan was suspicious enough to follow him out here, despite Wei Wuxian’s attempt to start over, makes thorns grow over his heart. 

Wei Wuxian tries to fly past Lan Zhan, but Lan Zhan blocks his path, matching him on Bichen whenever Wei Wuxian tries to slip past him on Suibian. “Wei Ying,” he says again. 

Idly, Wei Wuxian wonders why Lan Zhan still calls him by his personal name. Perhaps it’s because Wei Wuxian still calls him Lan Zhan. At this point, if Lan Zhan asked him to call him Lan Wangji, Wei Wuxian would. It would break his heart, but he would. 

“Attempting to control a waterborne abyss is dangerous,” Lan Zhan continues.

Lan Zhan is right, technically, but Wei Wuxian is tired of arguing with him about demonic cultivation. It’s all they’ve done since the Xuanwu cave–and that one dinner in Yiling. “If we’re going to fight, why don’t we just get it over with?” Wei Wuxian snaps. “You won’t win so easily this time, Hanguang-jun.”

In truth, he will. Wei Wuxian is far closer to fainting than he is to fighting. Trying to fight the waterborne abyss took a surprising amount out of him. He has neither the will or the energy to fight Lan Zhan right now. He only hopes that Lan Zhan won’t call his bluff.

Lan Zhan calls his bluff. He doesn’t attempt to fight him, but he doesn’t let him leave either. Wei Wuxian is wobbling precariously on Suibian as his vision fades in and out. 

“Keeping the waterborne abyss is not safe,” Lan Zhan berates. As if he’s saying anything that Wei Wuxian doesn’t already know. 

“Get out of my way, Lan Wangji!” Wei Wuxian rages, but Lan Zhan refuses to move. Wei Wuxian blinks spots from his vision. His control of Suibian quivers, and he slips and descends in little bursts until he can regain control. Lan Zhan follows him, steadily descending on Bichen.

Lan Zhan was never supposed to see him like this. He wasn’t supposed to know that Wei Wuxian has used demonic cultivation. Wei Wuxian isn’t in a habit of lying to save face, but clearly Lan Zhan is an exception. It’s not that he thinks Lan Zhan will ever love him back–even if Wei Wuxian wasn’t the epitome of everything GusuLan despises, even if Lan Zhan hadn’t killed him, he supremely doubts that he’s Lan Zhan’s type–but he’d still like to have something resembling respect. But how can he ever have that if he proves to be a demonic cultivator again? If he proves Lan Zhan justified for skulking around Wei Wuxian all this time?

You should hate him, Wei Wuxian thinks furiously to himself as Lan Zhan refuses to budge. He murdered you. He killed you, and you love him. Aren’t you upset? Aren’t you mad?

Actually, he is. He’s absolutely furious. He’s so incandescent with rage he can barely see. He’s shaking so much with fury from Lan Zhan’s supposed betrayal that he resembles a quivering leaf, gently swooping down through the air. 

It’s so fucking unfair, he thinks. Lan Zhan doesn’t see it as a betrayal. He doesn't know what he means to Wei Wuxian. Yet Wei Wuxian is still enraged by what he’s done, and he’s furious at himself for still being in love with Lan Zhan despite it. So he spits insults and curses and accusations at Lan Zhan, only some of which he truly believes, protests his innocence and flagrantly displays his guilt, because he cannot make up his damn mind.

“Lan Zhan,” Wei Wuxian says weakly. He’s losing the battle for consciousness, clinging to Suibian about five meters above the lake’s surface. And still, Lan Zhan refuses to let up. “Let me go,” he pleads. He sways dangerously on his sword. His whole body feels kind of numb. He can’t see Lan Zhan’s face. “Please.” It slips out without permission. He’s not sure he’s ever seriously said the word before. He wants to take it back immediately, but he can’t. “Just let me go, let me go, please, Lan Zhan–”

He breaks off when the world lurches around him, threatening to go dark. He knows he’s not going to be awake for much longer. If Lan Zhan hadn’t been here, he could’ve made it to shore before that, but now he has to rely on Lan Zhan. “Lan Zhan,” he begs again, and then the world just…fades.

Wei Wuxian slips off his sword and plummets to Caiyi Lake below, having finally lost the battle and passed out right there in the air. His silver eyes are closed and his black hair tumbles around him. And Lan Zhan is hurtling through the air after him, one hand outstretched, to catch him before he falls. 

SACRIFICIAL

Jiang Cheng’s face is the first thing Wei Wuxian sees when he wakes up. That’s a little worrying, at first, but it’s quickly apparent that Jiang Cheng doesn’t know what Wei Wuxian was doing. He doesn’t even know that Wei Wuxian left his bed last night.

“Wei Wuxian, it’s 9 am, how are you not awake?” Jiang Cheng demands.

Wei Wuxian sits up and his head spins. He has no idea how he got back to his quarters. Jiang Cheng is standing over his head, already fully dressed, looking some combination of pissed and worried.

“You missed breakfast,” Jiang Cheng informs him.

“Ah,” Wei Wuxian says weakly. One arm goes out, trying to find Jiang Cheng’s shoulder so he can pat it. He doesn’t find anything, so it just flails vaguely in the air. “That’s…okay.”

“No, it’s not,” Jiang Cheng says, and wow, he really does sound upset. “Just because there’s no classes today doesn’t mean you can sleep in as late as you want. They’re not going to serve a second breakfast for you, Wei Wuxian!”

“I’ll go down to Caiyi and get something there,” Wei Wuxian says brightly. Or at least he tries to, but doubts it’s quite as bright as he hopes.

“So you’ll spend my father’s money to feed yourself just because you were too lazy to get up on time?” Jiang Cheng fumes.

Wei Wuxian hides a wince and sinks back into his pillow. Had he always been this bad? Using up the Jiangs’ resources without a single consideration? Well, surely he can change now. 

“You’re right,” Wei Wuxian says, sighing. 

Perhaps he should go hunting today. Nie Huaisang can come along to birdwatch, and he’ll get in a meal before dinner. For a while after the Burial Mounds, he couldn’t stomach the taste of meat. But it’s gradually been fading, partly because the Lans are entirely vegetarian and he couldn’t afford meat during his second time in the Burial Mounds. And if there was one thing his first time there taught him, it was that sometimes he had to do undesirable things in order to survive. 

“I’ll wake up on time next time, okay?” Wei Wuxian says, trying to assuage Jiang Cheng.

“So, what, you’re just not going to eat?” Jiang Cheng does not look happier. In fact, he looks even more upset. “How will it look if our Head Disciple is so weak he can’t even fight?”

Wei Wuxian bites back another sigh. He knows Jiang Cheng is saying this because he’s worried. Anger is just how Jiang Cheng expresses love; he has plenty of disdain for people he doesn’t care about. Wei Wuxian has been trying so hard not to worry Jiang Cheng, to stop embarrassing the Jiangs, and eventually give Wen Chao no reason to go after YunmengJiang. He doesn’t doubt that the Wens will still attack Lotus Pier, but maybe not so viciously, or so soon. 

All he seems to have accomplished is worrying Jiang Cheng even more than before. Last time Jiang Cheng just got stressed whenever Wei Wuxian was being his usual embarrassing self, which is to say, always. But now it seems he’s coming after Wei Wuxian for every little thing. He’s always yelling at Wei Wuxian about Lan Zhan, which is totally unfair, because even if it is Wei Wuxian’s fault, there’s no way for Jiang Cheng to know that. For all he knows, Lan Zhan is just stalking him because he’s weird, not because he thinks Wei Wuxian is going to accidentally poison Caiyi Lake if he isn’t watching. Jiang Cheng yells at him if he looks too much at Lan Zhan, and if he keeps a respectful distance. There’s no winning with Jiang Cheng. 

“You’re right,” Wei Wuxian says again.

“No,” Jiang Cheng blurts, before Wei Wuxian can continue, and then looks furious with himself. That’s another thing Wei Wuxian has noticed about Jiang Cheng. It’s been half a year since Wei Wuxian came back, and Jiang Cheng’s filter has been getting progressively more and more transparent. 

“I mean,” Jiang Cheng says, now with a hint of worry, “you can’t just not eat, Wei Wuxian.” He hesitates, looking like he’s one push away from asking what’s wrong with him.

“Aiyah, I’m fine, Jiang Cheng, don’t worry about me,” Wei Wuxian jumps in, before he can ask. 

He sits up again and slides out of bed. He’s wearing the same robes he was wearing yesterday, which means he and the bed both smell faintly of lakewater. He notices that his new flute is missing, and manages a fond thought for Lan Zhan. He’s not surprised to find that Lan Zhan carried him all the way back to the Cloud Recesses. He was always unfailingly nice, even to Wei Wuxian, who did nothing but annoy him. He’s a little surprised to find that Lan Zhan didn’t report him for sneaking out past curfew, but he’s not surprised that Lan Zhan just made off with his flute. He spent about a month carving it and making sure it was a proper spiritual instrument, capable of handling large amounts of resentful energy. But he also made sure it looked like a Lan dizi, all white and adorned with a blue tassel, so Lan Zhan probably thinks it is a Lan dizi that Wei Wuxian stole. He’ll steal it back, but he should probably scratch the paint off as well. 

“There’s nothing to worry about!” Wei Wuxian continues cheerfully. “I’ve been a good Head Disciple, haven’t I? Haven’t I, Jiang Cheng?” He elbows Jiang Cheng, who huffs. 

“You’ve been decent,” Jiang Cheng says grudgingly. “Just…don’t do it again.”

He still looks worried, and Wei Wuxian almost believes it. Almost. He believes that Jiang Cheng is worried now, but every time Jiang Cheng tries to genuinely care about him, all he can see is the view from the top of Nightless City, where YunmengJiang lines up below and swears to kill him. Or Jiang Cheng, furious and broken-hearted above him in the pouring rain, hands around his neck like he wants to kill him. Like Wei Wuxian would let him. 

(Wouldn’t he? Hasn’t he?) 

Jiang Cheng cares, but Wei Wuxian knows exactly how their brotherhood broke. He’s doing his best to make sure that never happens again, but he knows it can happen. Knows that no matter how much he wants to support Jiang Cheng, or how much they care about each other, they can still lose each other. Everything is breakable, be it golden cores or everlasting bonds. 

Wei Wuxian loves Jiang Cheng. That will never change. But if Jiang Cheng’s love for him is the cost of keeping Jiang Cheng safe, then it’s a sacrifice Wei Wuxian is willing to make. He doesn’t let himself believe that it can last through all the fights, trauma, rumors, and Jiang Cheng’s duty to his sect. 

Whether it’s jumping in front of Mianmian, lying on the floor while Madame Yu takes her revenge on her husband and a long-dead woman, or trying not to scream while Wen Qing reaches into his chest, it seems all Wei Wuxian knows how to do is sacrifice himself for his loved ones. In a better world, one where there was not quite so much strife, one where someone had always put Wei Wuxian first, perhaps he would be different. Perhaps he’d look first for other solutions that didn’t involve making a sacrifice play. But in this world, where the people that Wei Wuxian loves seem to be constantly in danger, he doesn’t know what else to do but offer himself–his mind, his golden core, his heart–as a sacrifice.  

INTO DARK

Approximately thirty seconds after he notices that Lan Zhan took his flute, he notices that Lan Zhan also took the pouch containing the waterborne abyss. 

Initially he doesn’t assume that Lan Zhan took it, because he doesn’t remember anything past falling off his sword over Caiyi Lake. Perhaps it fell into the lake, or on the mountain somewhere on the way back. 

“Did you see a pouch?” Wei Wuxian asks urgently.

Jiang Cheng frowns. “What pouch?”

“A silver pouch,” Wei Wuxian elaborates. 

He tumbles out of bed and begins tearing through the room. He rips the blankets off the bed and tosses the pillow to the ground, but it isn’t there. He rushes over to where Suibian is standing, but the pouch is nowhere to be seen.

“What pouch?” Jiang Cheng echoes. “Why are you fully dressed, Wei Wuxian? What pouch?”

“Long night,” Wei Wuxian answers absently. He ignores Jiang Cheng following him as he upturns their dressers and scours the floor. 

“Long–? Wei Wuxian, what are you doing? What pouch?” Jiang Cheng grows increasingly frustrated.

But Wei Wuxian has no time to explain, nor any inclination to. The waterborne abyss pouch is an item of unimaginable power, and it cannot be allowed to fall into the wrong hands. More worrying is that they might fall into ignorant hands, seeing as no one’s ever attempted to contain a waterborne abyss before, and ignorant hands are liable to get themselves killed. 

“It’s not here,” Wei Wuxian mutters to himself, while he lifts up the bed and looks under it. “It’s not here.”

“What is it?” Jiang Cheng demands from behind him. Wei Wuxian is strapping Suibian to his belt. “What did you lose?”

“Nothing don’t worry about it Jiang Cheng,” Wei Wuxian says hastily, and runs out of the room.

First he heads back to Caiyi Lake, flying at nearly double the recommended speed. He runs through the town and grabs a boat from the dock. He can see the civilians looking at him strangely, but he’s too busy steering his boat to the middle of the lake to care. The lake looks so much friendlier during the day. Clear blue skies reflect on a clear blue lake. Sun sparkles on the water’s surface, shining brightly on the merchants bringing in wares and couples going on outings. 

Wei Wuxian ignores them all and stops his boat in the middle of the lake, approximately where he fell last night. He sits down in his boat and tries to sense for resentful energy, but there’s nothing. The pouch isn’t here. 

“Lan Zhan,” Wei Wuxian asks the lake mournfully, legs dangling over the side of his boat, “do you really trust me so little?”

He’s not surprised, of course. Lan Zhan absolutely hated the Stygian Tiger Seal for similar reasons. He thought it was too powerful, too demonic an object to exist. Wei Wuxian would agree, except for when they needed it, during the war, and afterwards he couldn’t destroy it without killing himself. Of course a waterborne abyss seal is an affront to Lan Zhan. Of course he doesn’t want Wei Wuxian to have it. Of course he’d rather trust himself with it, of course he’d just take it from him while he was unconscious. 

Still. He’s pissed. Wei Wuxian spent months preparing for last night, and then Lan Zhan just shows up out of nowhere to dispense judgement and ruin things? His flute is gone, his waterborne abyss is gone, his plans all gone, just because Lan Zhan decided to show up and play the hero. Why can he just leave him alone? 

You don’t want him to leave you alone, a voice reminds Wei Wuxian. It’s unfortunately true. But Wei Wuxian would rather Lan Zhan leave him alone than treat him like this. (Would he? Or is being treated like a criminal still better than being treated like he means nothing to Lan Zhan?)

Wei Wuxian flies back to the Cloud Recesses and realizes that he skipped lunch, despite promising Jiang Cheng that it wouldn’t happen again. Jiang Cheng doesn’t even seem upset about it. Perhaps he’s already used to Wei Wuxian breaking his promises. 

You’re not getting away with this, Lan Zhan, Wei Wuxian thinks furiously. Lan Zhan took his flute and his seal and thinks that Wei Wuxian won’t come back for it? Or perhaps he thinks you will. Perhaps he’s looking for a fight. Well then, Wei Wuxian will give him one.

He ends up going with Jiang Cheng and Nie Huaisang to Caiyi for the afternoon, and he shoves all thoughts of Lan Zhan and demonic cultivation out of his mind. For now, he just enjoys the setting sun and the properly flavored Gusu food of the Caiyi market, and the company of his brother and his friend.

It gets dark. 

The three of them head back to the Cloud Recesses, which takes longer than it would have otherwise given that they have to wait for Nie Huaisang balancing precariously on his saber. Thoughts of his impending fight come crawling back into his mind. He’s so distracted that he loses to Jiang Cheng in their nightly game of Go. He’s told himself he has to do this, even though he doesn’t want to. For Lotus Pier, if nothing else. Lotus Pier needs him to defend it from the Wens. But his thoughts keep spiralling into darker and darker directions, eating him from inside with paranoia. Lan Zhan is trying to lure you out. He’s taken something he knows you’ll come looking for, and then in the dark of night he’ll put you down with no one the wiser. Lan Zhan doesn’t trust you with your own power. He’d rather see you dead than weidling your power freely; he’d keep you in a pretty little cage to do the Lans’ bidding before he lets you run free. 

Wei Wuxian knows, intellectually, that he’s just being paranoid. He didn’t fall in love with a man who would set traps to murder someone, or keep them prisoner. That’s not who Lan Zhan is. But it still doesn’t stop these paranoid thoughts from screaming at him all night long, long after Jiang Cheng falls asleep. 

Jiang Cheng starts snoring, and Wei Wuxian sits up. He’s fully rested, this time. He’s been eating plenty overall, he hasn’t been stabbed or carved up or dropped from cliffs. All he’s done today was worry, and take a bath. He’s physically ready for a fight with Lan Zhan. 

Quietly, Wei Wuxian dresses in all-black robes and straps Suibian onto his belt. He slips out of the window and disappears into the night. He’s not sure how he plans to hide this from Jiang Cheng, because he doubts this fight will be as easy as the waterborne abyss, and that fight left Wei Wuxian fainting after two hours. He doesn’t have the luxury to care, however, because somewhere out there in the Cloud Recesses is the waterborne abyss, and his new flute, and Lan Zhan. 

If Jiang Yanli were here, she could snap him out of it. But she’s not. So Wei Wuxian’s thoughts continue spiralling, as he casually jumps from rooftop to rooftop, heading to the west side of the mountain. Lan Zhan doesn’t trust you. Lan Zhan thinks you’re evil. Lan Zhan wants you dead. 

It’s not fair to Lan Zhan. Lan Zhan, who doesn’t even know that he’s betrayed Wei Wuxian, because he doesn’t know that Wei Wuxian is in love with him. It’s just an imaginary claim that Wei Wuxian has, a pathetic excuse to justify Wei Wuxian’s anger towards him. It’s not like he asked Wei Wuxian to fall in love with him. He’d probably be horrified if he knew. 

And still Wei Wuxian has the audacity to feel betrayed. You killed me, Lan Zhan. You killed me, and I loved you. I love you. How could you? How could you?

Wei Wuxian is most afraid of fighting Lan Zhan not because of whether he will win, or whether he’ll accidentally hurt Lan Zhan, but because of what it might do to himself. He can almost feel his mindset shifting into his Yiling Patriarch state, the paranoid mode that he hates the most out of all the different parts of himself. It’s his self-defence mechanism, just like the cruel words he spits at Lan Zhan are his protection, armor so that Lan Zhan can’t hurt him again, can’t rip his heart apart like he did on the roof when he stabbed Wei Wuxian through his actual heart. Here, he’s at his most scared, and his most deadly. 

A-Yuan isn’t here to tug on his pant leg. Wen Ning isn’t here to offer him tea. Wen Qing isn’t here to threaten him with needles. Jiang Yanli isn’t here to say A-Xian sternly and make his will crumple faster than a paper fan. There’s no one here to pull Wei Wuxian out of the dark, and so he races across rooftops until he stops, nowhere near out of breath, outside the Jingshi. 

The sky is midnight black again. A shimmering, summer breeze blows past him, carrying the scent of mountain pines with it. Wei Wuxian stands on the roof, Suibian in one hand and face deathly pale. They’re the only parts of him that stand out here. Other than that, he could melt into the darkness. He could belong here; in the night, in the dark. Perhaps it is no surprise after all that he has no one to bring him out of the dark. 

It’s finally midnight. Wei Wuxian affects anger and arrogance in his steps, but doesn’t manage to banish the fear. The doors to the Jingshi open, and the milk-white moon sheds light on Lan Zhan, who steps out dressed in all-white robes he would use for a night hunt, Bichen at his side, looking ready for a fight. 

It’s midnight, and Wei Wuxian has finally gone into the dark. 

DANCE

It’s dark on a rooftop at the edges of the Cloud Recesses, and Wei Wuxian stands on it, looming out of the darkness, poised for a fight. Lan Zhan is planted in the doorway, waiting for a fight. He was waiting for me, Wei Wuxian realizes. It’s midnight, yet Lan Zhan was not asleep. No, he was ready with Bichen, ready for Wei Wuxian to come. He’s looking for a fight he was trying to lure you trap you capture you kill you–

A gust of wind carries pine needles over the wall. There’s nobody nearby but the two of them. There’s no one to save either of them, from themselves or from each other. There’s no one to stop Wei Wuxian’s paranoid, self-destructive spiral. There’s no one to stop them from fighting. The air is thicker than water with tension.

Wei Wuxian jumps down from the wall. He lands easily, two meters from Lan Zhan. Idly, he wonders if he looks like a demon to Lan Zhan in this light. Perhaps that’s all Lan Zhan has ever seen. He can’t tell from Lan Zhan’s expression what he’s thinking. He misses the days when he used to say with certainty exactly what type of frustrated Lan Zhan was feeling. Perhaps you never truly knew. Now Lan Zhan is more unfathomable than the ocean. 

“Lan Zhan,” Wei Wuxian begins, anger coiled in every word, “you took the waterborne abyss seal from me.”

Lan Zhan frowns slightly, because that’s all he ever does when he sees Wei Wuxian now. But he doesn’t deny it. “It can be better protected in the Cloud Recesses.”

Wei Wuxian’s temper uncoils like a striking snake. Lan Zhan doesn’t even deny it. He just takes and takes and acts like he can get away with it because he’s the second son of the high and mighty GusuLan. Some of us weren’t born to nobility, Lan Zhan. Some of us never had that security, or that luxury. Some of us have fought tooth and nail to protect what’s ours, have sacrificed all we had and then some, have counted the people that make life worth living. As if Wei Wuxian is so very incapable of protecting things.

(Have you not failed, again and again and again? Haven’t you?)

“You do not know how to protect it,” Wei Wuxian says. He doesn’t point out that he is currently still the Head Disciple of YunmengJiang, and that the Jiangs are equally capable of protecting it. Wei Wuxian is, in the end, still not the son of nobility. He can be kicked out on a whim. 

“I believe the defenses of the Cloud Recesses to be adequate,” Lan Zhan says. He even seems a little offended, or it seems that way to Wei Wuxian. 

“That doesn’t matter,” Wei Wuxian snaps. He’s not angry enough to bring up the burning of Cloud Recesses–yet. “It’s still mine. Is it not against the rules of GusuLan to steal?”

Lan Zhan’s frown deepens. “The waterborne abyss does not belong to you.”

“The seal does,” Wei Wuxian returns. He takes one step forward, lets his frustration and anger feed into the motion. Lan Zhan doesn’t move. “Lan Zhan. The seal belongs to me.”

Lan Zhan just looks at him, for a long, drawn-out moment. “I do not think it wise for you to be near such a large source of resentful energy,” he says, finally.

The demons clawing in the back of Wei Wuxian’s mind screech in protest, climb over each other and point fingers at Lan Zhan. Wei Wuxian lets out a hollowed-out, terrible laugh. “I see,” Wei Wuxian spits, betrayal roaring in his ears. “So you think I’ll use it for my nefarious purposes. You think I’m evil.” 

He still doesn’t draw his sword on Lan Zhan, but he takes one more step closer. “That’s not for you to decide, Hanguang-jun,” he hisses. One more step. If they both drew their swords, they’d clash. “Lan Wangji, Lan Wangji, the paragon of righteousness and virtue,” he mocks. “Who gave you the right? Who says who’s right and who’s wrong!” One more step. He’s almost in Lan Zhan’s personal space. “It was not justice to let the Dafan Wen be slaughtered for other people’s crimes. Yet if I’d done nothing, you would’ve stood back and let them!”

Again, Lan Zhan doesn’t deny it. “What do you need it for?” He demands.

Once again, Wei Wuxian has the chance to protest his innocence or flagrantly display his guilt. Wei Wuxian looms from the dark like a demon of the night, and thinks; it is far, far too late to protest my innocence. “What else?” He spits. “It’s so that I can kill any Wen who dares step foot in Lotus Pier without a single Jiang dying!”

Lan Zhan’s face loses its frown, then. His eyes widen, just a little bit. Is he worried? Horrified? Shocked? Concerned? Outraged? Wei Wuxian doesn’t know. “Wei Ying,” is all he says, voice taut with an unidentifiable emotion.

“I am going to kill people, Lan Zhan,” Wei Wuxian warns. He doesn’t know why he’s warning Lan Zhan. Surely he already expects as much from Wei Wuxian. “If you’re going to try and stop me, we should fight it out now.”

Lan Zhan does not look any happier. “I do not want to fight you.”

Then what did he take the seal for? Just because he couldn’t allow Wei Wuxian to have it? “Then give it back,” Wei Wuxian demands.

“No.” Lan Zhan looks determined, like he’s ready for a fight that he claims to not want. 

A dark chuckle escapes Wei Wuxian again. “So it really is that you don’t trust me.”

“Wei Ying,” Lan Zhan says again, but there’s a demon clawing its way out of Wei Wuxian’s mouth, and he can’t stop it.

“You think I’m going to snap and kill people,” Wei Wuxian continues, almost spitting in Lan Zhan’s face. The black night is tinted red from his rage. “What do you want from me, Lan Zhan? A promise? I should let you know I have a habit of breaking my promises.”

“Wei Ying.”

“I mean,” Wei Wuxian continues, steamrolling over him, “we swore to live without regrets and yet we’re back here, trying to fix things. Or at least I am–” He breaks in the middle of his sentence to lunge at Lan Zhan, Suibian drawn in one smooth motion. 

Lan Zhan has Bichen drawn in the blink of an eye and their two swords clash. Wei Wuxian doesn’t have a moment to focus on Lan Zhan’s face, just inches from his own, because he’s busy flipping over Lan Zhan. He lands on his feet facing the entrance of the Jingshi and runs inside. Lan Zhan expected him to turn and attack him again, and by the time he corrects this mistake, Wei Wuxian is inside the Jingshi. 

Wei Wuxian immediately feels the waterborne abyss, even though he doesn’t see it. It seems Lan Zhan actually put some effort into hiding it. He grabs Lan Zhan’s shelf with one hand and flings it behind himself without looking. He hears an almighty crash as porcelain, jade, and other undoubtedly expensive items hit the floor, as well as the unmistakable sound of a sword slicing through wood. Obviously it doesn’t slow Lan Zhan for very long, but Wei Wuxian doesn’t need very long. 

His gaze focuses on one floorboard. The plate that shattered on it resounded at a frequency a bit too low for a porcelain plate. He darts over to the board and spins around, one hand on the crack. At the same time, Lan Zhan lunges over the clutter of shattered objects lying on the floor and halts at the other side of the floorboard. He white boots are planted on the floor as he uses his left hand to keep the floorboard down, the other hand on Bichen’s hilt.

They both look up, then, and their eyes meet. Lan Zhan’s face looks almost wild, in that moment; golden eyes intent and reflecting something back at him. Wei Wuxian, no doubt, looks feral; silver eyes narrowed, lips twisted in a snarl. The Jingshi is quiet for two long seconds as Lan Zhan struggles to keep the floorboard down, and Wei Wuxian attempts to lift it up. Eventually, the wooden board cracks under the pressure and splits down the middle. Wei Wuxian lifts his piece victoriously, viciously pleased to see a hollow space underneath the board in which Lan Zhan has apparently stored a whole cache of items. So much for not holding onto material objects. 

At first glance, Lan Zhan’s secret cache contains a neat stack of paper in Lan Zhan’s precise calligraphy. Next to the papers are Wei Wuxian’s talismans, the ones he gave to Lan Zhan almost a month ago. In a better time, Wei Wuxian would take a moment to be touched that Lan Zhan kept them. Perhaps he should be upset that Lan Zhan is willing to use his inventions, to use him, for causes he deems righteous, but so unwilling to trust him with anything. Instead, Wei Wuxian’s gaze immediately flits past the talismans and lands on the silver pouch. His silver pouch. The one covered in talismans and smoldering with resentful energy. 

It’s closer to Wei Wuxian than it is to Lan Zhan. They both look up from the stash to stare at each other, knowing that the other has realized that.

“Wei Ying,” Lan Zhan says tightly. “Do not.”

“Do I usually listen when you try to order me around, Hanguang-jun?” Wei Wuxian retorts, half-sniping, half-coldly. His hand shoots out and grabs the pouch. 

Lan Zhan follows, quite nearly at the same time, fast enough to grab his wrist. Wei Wuxian’s grip squeezes the pouch, and Lan Zhan’s grip tightens on Wei Wuxian’s wrist, to the point of pain. Wei Wuxian finds himself competing with the impressive Lan arm strength for a second. But he’s got his cultivation back now. He’ll be damned if now is where he finally loses to Lan Zhan.

Wei Wuxian swings Suibian up, intending to knock Lan Zhan’s hand away with the flat of his blade, when Bichen comes up as well. The swords meet with a ringing clash between them, and once again, they’re stuck in a deadlock. 

“Let go,” Wei Wuxian growls.

“Let it go,” Lan Zhan returns. His voice is even, but his face is past the point of intense. 

They struggle for the upper hand, fighting the other down under they’re almost squatting on either side of the broken floorboard. Wei Wuxian’s left hand is almost numb. His wrist will undoubtedly show signs of bruising whenever Lan Zhan lets go. His fingers are losing feeling from how hard they’re gripping the silver pouch. 

“It’s mine,” Wei Wuxian insists. As if Lan Zhan cares. 

Wei Wuxian stares at Lan Zhan, and tries to imagine convincing him that what he’s doing is just, or at least necessary. He imagines Lan Zhan nodding, I do not like demonic cultivation, but it is acceptable so long as you retain control. That’s what he thought they had that night in Yiling, where Lan Zhan didn’t bring up old arguments even once. But that was before Jin Zixuan. Before Wei Wuxian did lose control. Before Lan Zhan fought him over Nightless City. Wei Wuxian has been so careful this time to not lose control, to make sure he won’t be in any position to lose control. But apparently that doesn’t matter to Lan Zhan.

“It is not safe,” Lan Zhan insists. 

It is not safe for everyone else, Wei Wuxian hears. He’s so tired of losing Lan Zhan’s trust, and losing Lan Zhan in general. He’s still heartbroken by how Lan Zhan washed himself of their friendship, or whatever Lan Zhan regarded him as, in Nightless City. 

With a single thought, Wei Wuxian ignites a talisman from the pile below. The brief distraction is all he needs to wrench his wrist from Lan Zhan’s grip, nearly breaking it in the process, and then he’s running for the other exit. He barrels through the door shoulder-first; he doesn’t have enough time to open it with Lan Zhan hot on his heels. The door splinters on impact, and Wei Wuxian sprints across the grass, Lan Zhan’s hand snatching at his hair. 

He circles around the Jingshi and jumps onto the wall, a boost of spiritual energy carrying him far away from Lan Zhan. Wei Wuxian turns around, shoving the waterborne abyss pouch into his belt, Suibian outstretched. Lan Zhan stares back at him, Bichen in his right hand. He’s pointing his sword at Wei Wuxian again, who glares at him, eyes narrowed, like he’s a stranger. He doesn’t want to fight Lan Zhan, he’s never wanted to, but he won’t let Lan Zhan trap him here either. 

Lan Zhan’s fingers trace blue spiritual power in the air, and Wei Wuxian feels a temporary teleportation talisman Lan Zhan put on his pouch activate. The next thing he knows, Lan Zhan has his pouch again, and is about to shove it in his belt. 

“Lan Wangji,” Wei Wuxian growls, and then they both lunge for each other. 

Wei Wuxian aims for the pouch, and Lan Zhan aims for the jade token, dangling from Wei Wuxian’s belt. It’s not that he wants to trap Wei Wuxian in the Cloud Recesses, but rather that he does not believe he could if he tried. By taking the jade token, he means to buy himself enough time to explain. It does not occur to Lan Zhan that Wei Wuxian will not attempt to dodge. Yet Wei Wuxian sees Bichen’s point aiming for his side and deems it worth it, so long as he gets the pouch back. 

The moon shines over the darkened roof and the pine trees. It’s midnight in the Cloud Recesses, and no one is there to see them fight for the third time on a darkened rooftop. It seems they cannot help but end up fighting one another; first a dance, then a duel, and now a confused mockery of a duel and a dance. Unlike the first time, Wei Wuxian does not dodge with his typical graceful, arrogant ease. Unlike the second time, Lan Wangji does not aim so close to his heart. 

Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji both stagger back from each other, boots twisting on the rooftop tiles. The cord of Wei Wuxian’s jade pendant is sliced through, and the token falls to the ground below, blending in with the dark green grass. Lan Wangji holds Bichen in one trembling hand, nauseated by the scent of Wei Wuxian’s blood, horrified by the sight of his blood on Lan Wangji’s sword. 

Wei Wuxian holds his pouch victoriously in his hand, teeth bared, Suibian poised to keep Lan Zhan away. And the gash in his side continues to bleed from where Lan Zhan has stabbed him, ruining his black robes, ending their deadly dance. 

FACE

The night life of the Cloud Recesses is still. Lan Zhan glances from his sword to Wei Wuxian’s still bleeding side. Wei Wuxian shoves the pouch back in his belt and presses his left hand to his side. Blood slowly seeps through and flows over his fingers, but it’s not that bad, not really. It’s just a gash. It’ll be healed within a day or two. Wei Wuxian’s gaze flickers down to where his jade token hit the ground. If Lan Zhan thinks this is all it’ll take to trap him here, he’s sorely mistaken. 

“I’ll bring down the Cloud Recesses barrier if I have to,” Wei Wuxian says, voice low. He keeps his left hand pressed to his side, fingers sparking with red spiritual energy, but stays ready for a fight. “Don’t think I won’t. I won’t be trapped here, Lan Zhan.”

Lan Zhan straightens. “I do not wish to trap you. I want to help you.” He doesn’t sheathe Bichen. All Wei Wuxian can hear is the self-righteous dogma of the Lans who believe that Wei Wuxian can be cured with a little calming spiritual music. 

“Yes, I know,” Wei Wuxian snarls. “Help me correct my wicked behavior.”

“No–”

“Is that not why you wanted me to come to Gusu with you?” Wei Wuxian feels the urge to say, over Lan Zhan’s denial. “You can’t fix me, Lan Zhan. I don’t even know why you’d try. Did you not say that others who walked my path all deserved their horrible endings?”

“Wei Ying, please–”

“Don’t beg, it’s unbecoming of Hanguang-jun,” Wei Wuxian snaps. He straightens, and draws up a talisman with his left hand. He cannot stand the sight of Lan Zhan begging. It threatens to snap his will like a twig. “I will use demonic cultivation to win the war, Lan Zhan. If you thought I wouldn't, we should’ve had this fight six months ago!”

He ran from Lan Zhan back then, because he was terrified that Lan Zhan would say something like you do not deserve a second chance. But they’re back on a rooftop, swords drawn and situation desperate, so really, Wei Wuxian shouldn’t have feared the truth. 

“I do not wish to–”

“To fight, I know, you want to cure me,” Wei Wuxian interrupts again, sneering. “Your noble efforts are not necessary, Hanguang-jun–”

And then he falters. 

It’s a dark and terrible night in the Cloud Recesses. Pine trees sway gently in the breeze, and somewhere in the distance, Jiang Cheng snores into his pillow. The moon casts a soft white light over the rooftop, illuminating Lan Zhan’s face. And on Lan Zhan’s normally stoic, unfeeling, jade-statue face, a tear rolls down either cheek.

Lan Zhan is crying. Wei Wuxian finds himself swallowing his words. He’s seen Lan Zhan cry only once before, and he didn’t know how to help, then. He wanted to, but Lan Zhan didn’t want his comfort. Wei Wuxian never believed the people who said that Lan Zhan was emotionless, but never has he seen a clearer example than now, because Lan Zhan looks hurt, Lan Zhan’s face is twisted in sadness, Lan Zhan is crying. 

Wei Wuxian assumed that Lan Zhan would be one of those people who cries pretty, but in truth he cannot tell. Lan Zhan will always be beautiful to him, and Lan Zhan in pain will always be horrible to him. Lan Zhan crying is a crime against nature. How can it be pretty? Wei Wuxian thought he would be able to withstand it, but he can’t. Lan Zhan might hate him, or despise him, might want him dead, but Wei Wuxian still can’t bear to see him cry. 

And then Lan Zhan speaks up, through the tears staining his cheeks, and the stunned, formerly aggressive figure of Wei Wuxian. “Wei Ying,” he cries, and he sounds so desperate, and so very alone. “I love you. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I love you.”

Wei Wuxian breaks, in a total state of panic, and stumbles forward, lowering Suibian. Bichen clatters to the ground and Lan Zhan reaches one hand out, a hand that Wei Wuxian takes without thinking, and then they’re pulling each other into a crushing embrace. Lan Zhan buries his face in Wei Wuxian’s shoulder and just breathes. He takes two shuddering breaths and trembles in Wei Wuxian’s arms. He gets Wei Wuxian’s shoulder wet from tears, and Wei Wuxian bleeds onto Lan Zhan’s robes. 

Lan Zhan clings to Wei Wuxian like a drowning man, and Wei Wuxian looks at him like he’s never truly seen him before. 

PROMISE

It’s a long time before Wei Wuxian manages to pull himself together. It’s far harder than it has any right to be, because Lan Zhan is still breathing into his neck. He’s still mumbling “I love you” and “I’m sorry” as if Wei Wuxian misheard him the first fifty times. It’s more painful than it has any right to be.

“How did you know?” Wei Wuxian croaks.

Lan Zhan remains silent for a moment. “How did I know what?”

Is he really going to make him say it? Wei Wuxian doesn’t ever want to let Lan Zhan go, but he forces himself to push Lan Zhan away. He stumbles back, looking heartbroken and on the verge of crying again. 

Wei Wuxian forces himself to look away, forces himself to say it. “That I’m in love with you.” 

He doesn’t dare look at Lan Zhan’s face. Out of all the ways, he thinks, that Lan Zhan could’ve tried to trap him here, this was probably the smartest way. He’s so desperate to believe it that he might go along with it even if he knows it’s not true.  

I thought GusuLan above these tricks, he wants to say, except they are. Lan Zhan would never do this, but–he can’t mean it, either.

“You’re in love with me?” Lan Zhan looks stunned. He sounds hopeful. Wei Wuxian can’t bear to believe it. 

“Yes.” The word escapes Wei Wuxian as little more than a hiss. “And you’re using that–you–”

“I love you,” Lan Zhan says firmly, for the millionth time. Wei Wuxian squeezes his eyes shut and tries not to cry. This time it’s Lan Zhan who stumbles forward, ignoring Bichen on the rooftop tiles, and folds a trembling Wei Wuxian in his arms. “I’ve loved you for as long as I can remember, Wei Ying.”

Wei Wuxian inhales sharply. “I don’t understand,” he says simply. 

It’s as though these words opened the floodgates; words come pouring out of Lan Zhan, in no particular order. “I want to protect you. I do not condemn you for using demonic cultivation. I know you did not have a golden core.”

Wei Wuxian shudders. This is everything he’s ever wanted to hear from Lan Zhan. How can he believe it? He looks away, looks at the Jingshi and the small jade token lying in the grass. “How?” He demands. 

“When you were dying,” Lan Zhan says. Dimly, Wei Wuxian recalls imagining that Lan Zhan was trying to pass him spiritual energy. Perhaps he didn’t imagine it after all. But still.

“On the roof,” Wei Wuxian begins. 

“I never wanted to hurt you,” Lan Zhan rushes to assure him. “I love you.”

“But–” Wei Wuxian manages. “You–”

“I missed,” Lan Zhan explains, painfully. “I was aiming for the Stygian Tiger Seal. I wished to free you from its influence. I am so sorry.”

It was an accident. It was an accident? Wei Wuxian opens his mouth to protest, but he’d be lying if he said he hadn’t been influenced by the Stygian Tiger Seal. Given the right circumstances, it could drive anyone into a murderous rage. “I’m still using demonic cultivation,” he says instead.

“I know,” Lan Zhan says, and it doesn’t sound like a condemnation. “I want to protect you, not to stop you. I love you. I love you.”

“But,” Wei Wuxian says, confused and disbelieving and wrecked, “why didn’t you just say so?” He’s not sure he has the will to push Lan Zhan away a second time, but he has to ask.

“I was afraid,” Lan Zhan admits. He pulls Wei Wuxian in closer, until they’re speaking into each other’s ear. “I did not know how.”

“I thought…I thought I disgusted you,” Wei Wuxian admits in return.

“No. Never,” Lan Zhan says fiercely. 

Wei Wuxian lets out a little laugh, disbelievingly. “Lan Zhan, this…this is too good to be true.” He pulls back so he can see Lan Zhan’s face, pulls himself out of Lan Zhan’s arms.

Lan Zhan looks back at him, and there’s fear written on his face. Why? Is he worried that Wei Wuxian doesn't believe him? Or is he worried that Wei Wuxian will attack him again? Does Wei Wuxian dare believe that Lan Zhan wants him to stay because he loves him?

“Wei Ying. Please. Don’t leave.” He cannot stop Wei Wuxian, but he can beg him not to go.

In the back of Wei Wuxian’s mind, his demons are still roaring and clawing, defiling this moment. He’s trying to trick you, they hiss. He’s giving you the one thing you know you can’t have in order to make you stay and you’re falling for it, like a kid offered candy, you want to believe it so bad you’ll sell yourself away, where he can keep you and use you, he doesn’t trust you, doesn’t love you, doesn’t care–

Wei Wuxian has fought his demons before, but it’s never been harder than it is now. He’s never been more terrified that they’re right. He can’t stand to believe it, can barely stand to hope. 

A-Xian, Jiang Yanli says. Please reach out to someone. Promise me, A-Xian.

Wei Wuxian speaks from trembling lips, his voice no more than a slight breath of air. “I have…never known you to lie.”

“I am not,” Lan Zhan promises. He approaches Wei Wuxian, concerned, but Wei Wuxian recoils from him. He cannot accept comfort until he knows. 

“You promise?” Wei Wuxian persists. He’s never been so terribly afraid. “That this isn’t a trick? That you l–that you–”

“Wei Ying,” Lan Zhan interrupts, desperately. “I love you. I am not lying. I am not trying to trick you. I would never keep you prisoner. I love you. Please don’t leave me.”

Wei Wuxian still bears a scar over his heart. It will never go away, but maybe, maybe, just maybe…

 “I never thought,” he says, tremulously, saved and scarred all at once, “that you would. Love me too.”

“I love you,” Lan Zhan promises, one final time, and Wei Wuxian cries.

NIGHTLESS

It’s midnight in the Cloud Recesses, but this night is endless. Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji both dry their tears and confront the fact that they have no idea what to do next. Their truce is still so fragile, and neither of them are willing to break it. Neither know what to say now, but there’s so many things that need to be said.

“Stay,” is all Lan Zhan ends up asking.

“Okay,” is all Wei Wuxian ends up saying. 

Wei Wuxian sheathes Suibian and Lan Zhan picks up Bichen from where he dropped it. He sheathes it too, and follows Wei Wuxian as he jumps down from the wall and picks up his jade token from the grass. He ties it back to his belt, then turns back to Lan Wangji, jade pass and silver pouch secure. Lan Zhan is watching him, looking…intent. Like he can’t believe Wei Wuxian is still here.

They have so much to talk about, and the whole night ahead of them. Wei Wuxian thinks of heading back to his shared room with Jiang Cheng, with no proof of what Lan Zhan has said up on the roof, and thinks of Jiang Cheng confronting him about his lies. He thinks of letting go of Lan Zhan.

“Lan Zhan,” Wei Wuxian asks, hesitantly. “Can I…I don’t want to go back to the guest quarters,” he confesses. He takes two steps towards the Jingshi, then stops. “Can I stay with you? Just to sleep,” he adds, when Lan Zhan just stares at him. “Just for tonight–”

“Yes,” Lan Zhan interrupts. His whole face loses its intense edge. He looks like his birthday just came early, and he can't believe he was given this gift. “Please, Wei Ying. Stay as long as you want.”

Wei Wuxian is not quite in the mindspace to tease him about that, so he follows Lan Zhan back to the Jingshi without a word. They both stop when they pass the doorway, taking in the mess that was left behind. Shattered porcelain lays everywhere, scattered across the room. The shelf is split in two, and half of one floorboard is tossed carelessly to the side. The door at the back of the Jingshi lies in two pieces on the grass. 

“Ah, Lan Zhan,” Wei Wuxian says finally, a bit ruefully and a bit apologetically, “I really kind of trashed your room, huh?” 

“It is of no matter,” Lan Zhan says. “I will clean it up.” Then he frowns. “It is of no matter so long as you are here,” he clarifies. “For your presence brings me more joy than the destruction of my room can compare to.” Words do not come easily to Lan Zhan. But he is determined to try, for Wei Ying.

Wei Wuxian turns bright red. “Lan Zhan,” he manages. “You don’t have to say that. I…I believe you.”

“Hm.” Lan Zhan does not look convinced. He will continue saying these things until Wei Wuxian no longer looks embarrassed, but rather expects it, and then he will continue because he chooses to.

“I’ll help,” Wei Wuxian declares, and the two get to work.

Lan Zhan clears the debris off the floor and Wei Wuxian uses Suibian to cut the wooden shelf to make a temporary replacement floorboard. He fits it to the hole in the floor while Lan Zhan takes the remaining piece of the shelf and the broken doors outside. Lan Zhan comes back inside to find Wei Wuxian staring at his stash, holding the waterborne abyss seal with an unreadable expression on his face. 

“I don’t understand, Lan Zhan,” Wei Wuxian says finally. “Why did you take the seal?” Then he waits for Lan Zhan’s answer, instead of assuming the worst to protect himself from what Lan Zhan could say. 

“I was worried for you,” Lan Zhan replies. He steps closer to Wei Wuxian, who would say Lan Zhan is nervous if he didn’t know better. “I did not want it to poison your mind like the Stygian Tiger Seal did.”

Wei Wuxian thinks of the fear and paranoia that has wracked his mind. “I did most of the poisoning, Lan Zhan.”

Lan Zhan is quiet for a moment, waiting for Wei Wuxian to continue. “What do you mean?”

“I knew what people would think of demonic cultivation,” Wei Wuxian says. “I couldn’t–I can’t trust. It’s. Difficult." He thinks of the endless chant of he hates you, he despises you in the back of his mind, and forces himself to continue. "And I don’t know if the voices are myself or them, and I can’t. Stop.”

Lan Zhan inches closer to Wei Wuxian, not quite sure what to say, but wanting to be closer to him. “I will help,” he swears, and Wei Wuxian allows himself to believe it. Then he hesitates. “Wei Ying.”

“What?”

“Your wound.”

“Oh.” Wei Wuxian looks down at his robes. They’re torn and ripped, and the edges are soaked with blood. He’d honestly forgotten about it. He looks up, and Lan Zhan is looking at him, concerned. If he didn’t know better, he’d think Lan Zhan wants to bandage it himself. 

“May I bandage it, Wei Ying?”

Perhaps Wei Wuxian should stop knowing better. It’s not a big deal, Lan Zhan, it’ll be gone by morning, Wei Wuxian wants to say, but can’t in the face of Lan Zhan’s request. “Okay.”

Lan Zhan gets bandage cloth and a washbasin from the other room and returns to sit Wei Wuxian down at the edge of the bed. He peels Wei Wuxian’s blood-stained robes back and begins methodically cleaning the wound with a wet cloth. Wei Wuxian watches him, face heated with a rush of feelings he can’t quite untangle.  

“Where did you put my flute, Lan Zhan?” Wei Wuxian asks, while Lan Zhan sets the bandages.

Lan Zhan frowns. “I returned it to the Lan stores of spiritual instruments.”

Oh, right. Wei Wuxian had forgotten about that misunderstanding. “It’s my flute,” Wei Wuxian clarifies. “I spent about a month making it to my specifications. I swear I didn’t take anything from the Lans to make it.”

Lan Zhan finishes setting the bandages and looks up, mortified. “I didn’t know. I…Wei Ying, I didn’t know. I will retrieve it for you. I’m s–”

“It’s okay, Lan Zhan,” Wei Wuxian interrupts. “I painted it white to make it look like a Lan dizi. It’s okay.”

“I am sorry,” Lan Zhan offers, lamely. 

“It’s fine, Lan Zhan,” Wei Wuxian says again. 

He stands and pulls the waterborne abyss seal from his belt, looking for a place to set it down. It’s hardly an object one wants to sleep with. He looks first to Lan Zhan’s hidden spot beneath the replacement floorboard, trying to find the strength of will to trust Lan Zhan with it. Wei Wuxian glances at his left wrist, sees the purpling skin in the shape of Lan Zhan’s fingers. He finds he cannot put it back there, not after all he has gone through tonight. Not when twenty minutes ago they were fighting for the seal over the broken floorboard. 

Wei Wuxian glances back at Lan Zhan, who is watching his deliberation worriedly. “Perhaps you may leave it on the desk, for tonight,” Lan Zhan says. He seems to understand that Wei Wuxian cannot simply put it back where Lan Zhan had put it. 

So Wei Wuxian heads over the desk and sets it down, next to Lan Zhan’s inkstone. He doesn’t have a plan for tomorrow, or any of the days after that. But he’s always been good at coming up with things on the fly, and mostly he just wants to enjoy this moment for however long it lasts. 

He turns around and sees Lan Zhan hovering anxiously by the bed. “Don’t even think about offering to sleep on the floor,” he says, a hint of teasing returning to his tone. “It’s your room, Lan Zhan.”

“You are injured,” Lan Zhan protests.

“So we can share,” Wei Wuxian counters immediately. “I know, I know,” he says carelessly, when Lan Zhan’s ears turn bright red. “It’s improper and against the rules and all that. But I’m already here, and we already–” both proclaimed to love the other. Repeatedly. But Wei Wuxian stops when Lan Zhan continues blushing furiously. “I mean,” he tries again, “I can go back to the guest quarters. They’re not–”

Far, Wei Wuxian means to say, but doesn’t get a chance to. 

“No,” Lan Zhan blurts. He looks embarrassed by his own forwardness. “Don’t go.” His ears continue blushing bright pink.

 Wei Wuxian stares at him for a moment before he breaks out into a delighted smile. “Well then,” he says brightly, “I guess we’ve just got to share!” He practically skips over to the other side of the bed. “Scoot over, Lan Zhan.” 

Lan Zhan wasn’t even in the bed, but he still blushes as if he were. Wei Wuxian is the first one to pull the blankets back and slide into bed. He hesitates when Lan Zhan continues to look away, jaw locked. “Lan Zhan, why are you so shy?” Wei Wuxian asks, teasing. “You said you l–liked me.” His tone fades from teasing to caution about halfway through. 

It seems Lan Zhan hears the fear too because his head whips around, and he stares at Wei Wuxian intensely. “I do,” he says hurriedly. “I love you. I only–” he looks down, sees Wei Ying sitting up in his bed, and looks away again, ears blushing pink. “–Am not used to this,” he finishes. If there’s one thing he’s learned, it’s the value of expressing his feelings rather than letting Wei Wuxian interpret his silences, so he continues. “I cannot bring myself to believe that you want to,” he admits. 

Wei Wuxian softens at that. He pulls the blankets over himself and waves for Lan Zhan to sit down next to him. “Lan Zhan,” he says, “do I usually do things because I’m ordered to? Do you think I’d do this with someone I didn’t love?” He decides to push just a little further, seeing Lan Zhan’s adorable blush. “It is your bed, my love,” he says. “I can sleep on the floor if–”

“No!” Lan Zhan sits down next to him. He doesn’t know if it’s the thought of an injured Wei Ying sleeping on the floor, or being called Wei Ying’s love, that prompts him to move, but move he does.

It’s midnight in the Jingshi. Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji leave their boots and belts on the floor next to the bed and lie close enough to hear each other breathe. They pull the covers up and stare up at the ceiling. It’s midnight, yet neither are anywhere near sleeping. The room smells of pines and muggy summer air, but Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji both smell of sweat and dried blood. Neither can be bothered to care. 

It’s midnight, but it’s nightless in the Jingshi tonight. 

DAWN

It’s 12 am in the Jingshi, and Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji stare at the ceiling, waiting for dawn. The shimmering summer air blows through the place where once stood a door. The water bowl Lan Zhan brought to clean Wei Ying’s wound lies on the desk, next to the silver pouch and Wei Ying’s red hair ribbon. Neither of them will fall asleep for hours. 

12. 

“Wei Ying,” Lan Zhan asks. “How did you lose your golden core?”

Wei Ying stays quiet. 

“You do not have to tell me,” Lan Zhan adds. “I only–”

“Haven’t you guessed?” Wei Ying says quietly. 

Lan Zhan has. “You learned demonic cultivation because you had no core,” he says, having pieced this together from Wei Ying’s off-hand comments. “Yet you did not tell anyone.” He hesitates before making his prediction. “Was Jiang Wanyin’s core destroyed by Wen Zhuliu?”

“Yes.” Wei Ying’s voice is barely a whisper. Lan Zhan turns his head to look at him. Wei Ying is still staring up, unseeing. He wishes he could kiss him until Wei Ying forgets how to look that scared. “Wen Qing had a golden core transfer theory.”

“Wei Ying,"  Lan Zhan manages. Wei Ying turns to look at him, and Lan Zhan can fully see how small Wei Ying looks. He gives in and pulls Wei Ying in closer for a kiss. “I love you,” he says, when they pull apart, and is rewarded with a smile.

1.

“Lan Zhan,” Wei Ying asks. “What is the name of the song?”

“Which song?” Lan Zhan does not know what song Wei Ying is speaking of, but if Wei Ying likes it he’s more than willing to play it. 

“The one you played in the cave.”

Silence.

“Lan Zhaaan, your ears are blushi–”

“Wangxian.”

Slowly, Wei Ying breaks into one of his brilliant smiles. “Lan Zhan. You romantic!” This time, he’s the one to pull Lan Zhan in for a kiss, one that he returns despite his furiously blushing ears. 

They pull apart.

“Play it for me sometime?” 

“Mn.” 

.

“I miss our rabbits.”

“Our rabbits? What rabbits?”

“The rabbits you gave me.”

It takes a second for Wei Ying to work it out. “What–you mean the pair of rabbits I gave you back then? You kept them?”

When Lan Zhan nods, looking serious and sad and embarrassed all at the same time, Wei Ying bursts into laughter. He rolls over and giggles into Lan Zhan’s shoulder. “I can’t believe you kept them,” he gasps, in between bursts of giggles. “Aren’t pets forbidden?”

“They were not pets,” Lan Zhan says stubbornly. “They were…friends.”

This only makes Wei Ying laugh harder. “Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan, you’re too cute!” He coos. He plants a kiss on Lan Zhan’s cheek, making him blush again. “Aiyah, Lan Zhan,” he manages finally. “I’ll get you more rabbit friends, okay?”

Lan Zhan nods again, satisfied. “Mn.”

2.

“Wei Ying.”

“Yes, my love?”

“You said you were planning to kill all the Wens with the seal.”

Wei Ying’s jaw regains just a little of the tension that Lan Zhan swore he would kiss away. “Yeah?”

“How?”

Wei Ying bites his lip and refuses to look away from the ceiling, despite Lan Zhan’s hand on his cheek, silently beseeching Wei Ying to look at him. “If I release it off the pier when the Wens arrive,” he begins, his voice lifeless, “I can catch them by surprise and drown their boats and armies. Afterwards we can subdue it the proper way with no one the wiser.”

Lan Zhan’s hand slowly withdraws from Wei Ying’s cheek. “It is a good plan,” he offers. 

Wei Ying finally looks at him. “Do you really think so?” It’s not exactly traditional warfare, to say the least.

“Yes,” Lan Zhan says firmly. 

Wei Ying manages a small but genuine smile. “I’m glad.”

.

“Lan Zhan.” 

“Mn?”

“I missed you.”

“I am right here, Wei Ying.”

“No, I–before. After we returned. I missed you. You were there, but you weren’t–I couldn’t tease you anymore, I didn’t–”

“Wei Ying. I missed you too.”

“Oh. I. I love you, Lan Zhan.”

“Mn.”

3.

“Lan Zhan, I know we’re actually twenty, but everyone thinks we’re still sixteen.”

“Yes?”

“Well,” Wei Ying continues, in a rush, “it’s not important. It doesn’t need to be an issue.”

“I would prefer to decide that for myself, Wei Ying,” Lan Zhan says patiently.

“Right.” Wei Ying chuckles nervously. “It’s just that…twenty is a normal age to get married. And we’ve actually known each other for years–”

“Yes.” Lan Zhan turns to face Wei Ying. His love looks uncertain, as if Lan Zhan would ever marry anyone but him. 

“W-what?”

“I will marry you, if you will have me, Wei Ying.”

Wei Ying’s silver eyes go round and wide. “Oh. Oh.” He looks like he might cry again. “I’m. Glad,” he manages, before he finally does start crying and rests his forehead against Lan Zhan’s. “I’m so glad,” he whispers. 

“Mn,” is all Lan Zhan says, but he’s smiling softly.

.

“Wei Ying, you should know.”

Wei Ying turns to face Lan Zhan when he doesn’t continue. “What should I know?” 

Lan Zhan has convinced himself that he must tell Wei Ying this, for the sake of honesty, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy, or that he knows how. “My mother,” he begins, then stops again. 

Something about his tone tells Wei Ying to stay silent and not say that’s right, your father is alive, we have to ask for his permission. Assuming hasn’t worked out so well for him. 

“My mother was imprisoned for crimes again the GusuLan,” Lan Zhan tries again. “She was sentenced to death, but my father married her instead. He secluded both of them in different houses, but.” Lan Zhan’s face shutters. “I was born.” 

They’re both silent for some time before Lan Zhan manages to continue. “My father could never fully choose his sect or my mother, and as a result everyone was miserable. I don’t think I ever managed to forgive him for it.” 

“Why do I need–oh, Lan Zhan.” Wei Ying pokes his cheek, but Lan Zhan doesn’t look at him. “You’re not like him.”

Lan Zhan’s jaw remains tense.

“What I said–I didn’t mean it, Lan Zhan. I didn’t mean any of it. All of it. Mostly. Entirely.” He flounders for the right words. “If I truly thought you would, I wouldn’t be here, Lan Zhan.”

Lan Zhan still doesn’t look at him. “I almost did,” he whispers. 

Wei Ying stops poking him, throat dry. “You what?”

“I could not choose,” Lan Zhan clarifies. “In Nightless City. I should not have fought you. I do not know what I should have done.”

Wei Ying is quiet for a moment, dragging up memories of that terrible night, of the last week of his life. His ears ring with the cries of his siblings as he lies dying, his throat chokes on resentful energy so thick he loses the ability to breathe. “I don’t know either,” Wei Ying says finally. He forces a smile. “But it’s all in the past now, Lan Zhan. It won’t happen again.”

They lay there quietly for a moment before Lan Zhan speaks up again. “If it does,” he says quietly. “I will always choose you.”

Wei Ying stays silent for a moment, wondering what he would do if forced to choose between the Jiang Sect and Lan Zhan. Based on past actions, he wouldn’t believe that he could only save one until circumstances forced his hand and he ended up losing both. If he knew he had to choose, he’d sacrifice himself to save both. If he couldn’t…he doesn’t know what he’d do. 

He also stays quiet, wondering at the miraculous gift that there is someone who will always put him first. It is a miracle the universe has given him, one he is determined to deserve. 

“I don’t know what I’d do,” he says finally. 

“The right thing,” Lan Zhan says firmly, and that’s that.

4.

Wei Ying and Lan Zhan doze off at 4 am in the morning. The night life of the Cloud Recesses is still, including Wei Ying and Lan Zhan, who lie curled up on each other in the Jingshi. A breeze blows in through the open doorway, ruffling the blankets. 

They wait through the endless night, and dawn arrives. 

BREATHE

It is dark in the Jingshi. The faintest hints of pre-dawn light reach the Cloud Recesses, just a subtle blue-tinted lightening of the black sky and a soft pink glow on the horizon. Wei Ying and Lan Zhan are asleep and dreaming. 

“Lan Zhan…you swore you wouldn’t.” Wei Ying glares at him, one hand pressed to his bleeding side. “How could you?” 

He sways and then falls. Lan Wangji rushes to catch him, but even when he does, Wei Ying tries to fight him off. “I fucking hate you,” Wei Ying hisses, hands clawing at Lan Wangji’s embrace. “How many times is this, Lan Wangji?! How many! How could I ever love someone like you–”

Lan Wangji rolls over on his side, golden eyes wide and awake. This is far from the first time he’s dreamed of Wei Ying dying and spiteful, or bleeding out and hateful. It is one of the more vivid nightmares he’s had about Wei Ying’s death, likely spurred from last night’s events and additional stabbing. Lan Wangji forces himself to breathe normally, and then he rolls over to his other side.

There, wrapped around his left arm, is Wei Ying. Something in Lan Wangji’s chest uncoils at the sight. Wei Ying is also on his side, with his injury facing up. He snuffles quietly in his sleep, which Lan Wangji decides is just about the cutest sound he’s ever heard in his life. 

It must be a miracle of the universe, Lan Wangji decides, that he is allowed to hold Wei Ying. That Wei Ying wants Lan Wangji to hold him, that he wants to stay with him, be with him. During all those lonely nights, through waking terrors in the Jingshi, he never imagined that he might have this. 

He closes his eyes and spends a minute just listening to the two of them breathe. Wei Ying breathes out quietly, and it is nothing like his final rasping, gurgling breath that has haunted Lan Wangji’s nightmares. His chest expands and contracts steadily, and there is no horrible, gaping wound where his heart should be, as has plagued Lan Wangji’s nightmares. Wei Ying is alive, Wei Ying is safe, and Wei Ying loves Lan Wangji. 

Eventually, Lan Wangji opens his eyes and leans over to inspect Wei Ying’s wound with one reverent hand. He peels back the bandages and is pleased to note that the gash has almost completely faded. It must have been painful, he thinks, being a non-cultivator, given the great number of injuries Wei Ying picked up. 

It is a far cry from the nights he spent waking up in the dead of night, alone in a lifeless Jingshi, terrified to go back to sleep. To be fair, his room is forever altered by the sheer number of things that were destroyed during last night’s fight, but as Wei Ying said, that’s in the past. And it is worth it, for Wei Ying to be here now. 

Wei Ying, who says that he’s in love with Lan Wangji. Who lets Lan Wangji protect him, who sleeps in Lan Wangji’s bed and proposed Lan Wangji last night. Lan Wangji’s heart is so full it almost bursts in his chest. He has a feeling that if this continues–and they are engaged (they are engaged!) now, so why shouldn’t it–he might finally be able to rest at night.  

It is 5 am. Slowly, Lan Wangji frees his arm from Wei Ying’s grip. He straightens his forehead ribbon–he’s unused to sleeping with it, but hopefully soon it will be wrapped around Wei Ying’s wrist instead. He sits up on his elbows and just breathes slowly, appreciating all that Wei Ying has given him, everything that he never thought he’d get. He swears to protect Wei Ying for the rest of his life, and beyond it too. All of Wei Ying’s enemies will be his enemies, and all of Wei Ying’s falls will be his own. 

Lan Wangji strokes Wei Ying’s hair and takes a moment to breathe, you’re here, you’re real, you’re breathing. Then he gets out of bed. 

PENANCE

Wei Wuxian dozes off at 4 am, but he wakes up at dawn when he feels Lan Zhan leave. He gradually gains consciousness as Lan Zhan’s arm slithers out of his grasp, and his eyes snap wide open when he feels Lan Zhan leave the bed. He stays still, listening to the sounds of Lan Zhan getting dressed, splashing his face with water, and strapping Bichen to his belt. It is not until Wei Wuxian hears Lan Zhan’s footsteps recede from the Jingshi that he throws off the covers. 

Wei Wuxian sits up and looks around. Lan Zhan is gone. The waterborne abyss seal is still on the table, as is his red ribbon. He slides out of bed and gets dressed quietly, fastening on his belt and slipping Suibian and the seal to it. There’s nothing he can do about the tear in his robes, so he just checks his bandages again before he slips on his boots and heads out after Lan Zhan. 

He’s not used to being awake at this time. The sun isn’t even up yet, there’s only a layer of pink and gold creeping up in the sky. The pre-dawn morning air bites his skin, and it’s still so quiet. Not even the mountain breezes blow. 

Wei Wuxian finds Lan Zhan in the discipline pavilion, a place he’s intimately familiar with. He’s kneeling on the stones, and his brother and uncle are staring at him in utter bafflement. 

“Wangji, please, stop kneeling,” Lan Xichen is saying, sounding pained. 

Lan Zhan refuses, stubbornly not moving from his position, and all at once Wei Wuxian understands what’s going on. He thought at first that Lan Zhan was reporting them both for breaking curfew, which seemed like a dumb Lan Zhan thing to pick on, only his brother and uncle wouldn’t look this baffled if he was. 

“I stabbed him,” Lan Zhan repeats, stubbornly. “I must seek penance.”

“We should hear what Young Master Wei has to say,” Lan Xichen persists. 

No, Lan Zhan is seeking punishment for killing Wei Wuxian, as he hasn’t been able to do so for the past six months. It wouldn’t have occurred to him until last night that Lan Zhan felt guilty about his death, and he wouldn’t have believed it until this morning. 

But he does now. Wei Wuxian hastens his steps–though he’s still not running. Lan Zhan won’t get his say if he has anything to say about it. 

FORGIVEN

Lan Xichen has rarely understood his brother so little as he does now. He’s spent months watching his little brother pine after a certain guest disciple for seemingly no reason. From the very first day Wei Wuxian arrived in the Cloud Recesses, Lan Xichen has seen all of Wangji’s attention refocus from his studies to the Jiangs’ Head Disciple. He did not understand why Wangji was so infatuated with him, and he could not understand why Wangji refused to talk to him.

“We should hear what Young Master Wei has to say,” Lan Xichen says, though in truth he doesn’t know if that will help or only make things worse. He will admit that he thought it was funny, at first, just how bad Wangji was at talking to his crush. But now Wangji has announced that he caught past curfew, fought, and then stabbed Wei Wuxian, all while looking miserable, and Lan Xichen is forced to admit that he hadn’t tried as hard as he should have to get Wangji past his initial shyness. He’d been unconsciously enjoying his usually unmoveable brother fall to pieces at the mere sight of Wei Wuxian, and chose not to really push or talk to him about it. Now they’re all paying the price. 

“I taught you better than this, Wangji,” Uncle says stiffly from his side. 

Lan Xichen glances over to watch Lan Qiren work through a multitude of emotions regarding Wangji. He’s evidently shocked, like Lan Xichen, over what has happened. He’s clearly disappointed as well, and not happy that the impeccable reputation of the Lans will be sullied once word gets out that the supposedly perfect Lan Wangji lost control and stabbed a guest disciple. Otherwise, Uncle has no particular opinion of Wei Wuxian. He’s a bright student, but he doesn’t apply himself. There’s far worse things than being an uninterested student, in Lan Xichen’s opinion, especially when it comes to Wangji’s potential cultivation partner. 

Interestingly, Wangji doesn’t look fazed at all by Uncle’s disapproval. Lan Xichen supposes that stabbing the boy he likes concerns Wangji more, but still, he expected some reaction from Uncle’s words. 

“Apologies, Uncle,” Wangji says formally, and that is all the reaction he has. Lan Xichen knows that anyone else would say that Wangji’s face is always blank, but Lan Xichen knows better. Now Wangji’s face is blank, but usually it is not.

Initially, Lan Xichen was hopeful that Wei Wuxian, the cheerful, loud Jiang disciple, would be able to help Wangji come out of his shell. He witnessed a few of Wangji’s painfully formal interactions with him, but thought that if Wangji could just move past that, he’d surely be able to make friends. But Lan Xichen knows very little about Wei Wuxian as a person. 

Lan Xichen chose months ago not to attempt to make friends with Wei Wuxian himself, since he knew his brother, and Wangji would be jealous no matter what he claimed. Now, however, he regrets that decision. If he knew Wei Wuxian better, he’d be able to say with more certainty what his reaction would be to being pursued by Wangji. He’d be able to push Wei Wuxian into becoming friends with Wangji. And most importantly, he’d know how Wei Wuxian is feeling about getting stabbed by Wangji, as supposed to being completely blindsided. 

“Wangji, I don’t understand,” Lan Xichen pleads.

“I lost control,” Wangji repeats, and stubbornly refuses to elaborate. But how? Wangji has always been lauded for his self-control. And Lan Xichen knows that Wangji has a massive infatuation with Wei Wuxian, but he cannot imagine how that caused Wangji to lose his self-control like this. In the back of his mind is the fear that Wangji is like their father, but he shoves that thought back ruthlessly. Wangji was raised to take no for an answer. If he doesn’t…Lan Xichen doesn’t know what he’ll do.

“Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan!” 

The three present Lans all turn to stare at Wei Wuxian as he walks quickly into the pavilion. Lan Xichen spots a tear in his robes about three inches long, and bandages underneath. It occurs to Lan Xichen for the first time that Wangji claimed to have stabbed Wei Wuxian last night, yet only now came to report it. What did the two of them do in the time in between?

Then it occurs to Lan Xichen that Wei Wuxian just addressed his brother by his personal name, and he struggles not to show his shock. 

Wangji’s head whips up to stare at Wei Wuxian. “Wei Ying,” he says, sounding devastated, and almost falls over when Wei Wuxian walks right up to him and forcibly makes him stand up. 

Wei Ying?! Lan Xichen is afraid he does look shocked, then, because he can’t imagine how his brother got the courage to address Wei Wuxian by his personal name. Uncle’s face twists in outrage, but Wangji doesn’t look fazed at all. Lan Xichen would really like to know what happened last night. 

“Lan Zhan, what are you doing on the ground?” Wei Wuxian says. He doesn’t sound like someone who was stabbed last night. 

“I must seek penance,” Wangji tells him earnestly.

“Lan Zhan,” Wei Wuxian says, just as earnestly, “I forgive you.”

Wangji looks wonderstruck and overwhelmingly guilty at the same time. Lan Xichen begins to wonder if there’s something major that Wangji left out of his narrative. “But…how?” Wangji cries. 

“It was an accident,” Wei Wuxian says simply, like that excuses everything.

“But I–injured you, Wei Ying,” Wangji insists, and Lan Xichen knows his brother, and knows that he was absolutely going to say something other than “injured” if it wasn’t for his audience. 

“It was an accident,” Wei Wuxian repeats, smiling softly. “Do you know how happy that makes me, Lan Zhan?”

He’s…happy? That it was an accident? As supposed to what? Lan Xichen would very much like some answers. 

Wangji shakes his head mutely. 

“It was dark, and you missed,” Wei Wuxian continues. “I don’t blame you. I’m fine now.”

“But how can you forgive me?” Wangji persists. He sounds close to crying. Lan Xichen knows that they’re talking about something other than an accidental stabbing, but damn if he knows what. 

Then Wei Wuxian takes Wangji’s hand, in front of Uncle, Lan Xichen, and all their ancestors, and says; “It’s okay. I forgave you before I even knew. I pushed you away too, Lan Zhan. It’s okay.”

“Wei Ying,” Wangji says. He looks absolutely wrecked. 

“Lan Zhan,” Wei Wuxian says back, teasingly. Then he turns to Lan Xichen. “By the way,” he says, “we’re engaged.”

Lan Xichen will admit that he lets out an entirely inappropriate squeak, followed by what could pass as the sound a strangled duck makes, when Wei Wuxian leans in and kisses his baby brother. Amazingly, Uncle doesn’t qi deviate on the spot. 

“So,” Lan Xichen manages finally, once he can look his brother in the eye again. “This was all a misunderstanding?”

“Yes,” Wei Wuxian says firmly. 

“Wonderful!” Lan Xichen says, perhaps an octave too high. He feels like he’s held together by threads at this point. “Then I propose that Young Master Wei and Wangji be punished for breaking curfew by copying Disciplines and Virtues. In the Library Pavilion.”

There. Wangji and Wei Wuxian will spend the afternoon alone in the Library Pavilion. Together. Lan Xichen intends to make up for his missed months as Wangji’s wingman.

And if Wangji doesn’t have some answers for him by tonight, then Lan Xichen is going to be the youngest Lan to qi deviate into an early death. 

CORELESS

Jiang Cheng pounces on Wei Wuxian as soon as he emerges from the Library Pavilion. He’s been hovering angrily outside it, stalking back and forth on the path, waiting for Wei Wuxian to come out. It feels like he’s been waiting forever. When Wei Wuxian finally does come out, he’s practically glued to Lan Wangji’s side. The Lans no doubt have a rule against excessive movement, but their precious Second Jade doesn’t seem keen on dissuading Wei Wuxian from running around like an idiot, skipping and jumping and practically throwing himself in Lan Wangji’s arms. He looks happier than Jiang Cheng has seen him look in a long, long time. 

Jiang Cheng feels his jaw clench. “Wei Wuxian.”

Wei Wuxian startles and turns around. He hadn’t noticed Jiang Cheng, since all of his attention was focused on Lan Wangji. “Jiang Cheng!” He sounds nervous, as he should. Although not as apologetic as he should be. 

“We need to talk,” Jiang Cheng says bluntly. He stalks forward and moves to grab Wei Wuxian and drag him away, but suddenly Lan Wangji is in front of him, block Jiang Cheng’s view of Wei Wuxian with his dumb broad shoulders. “Lan Wangji,” he growls. 

Lan Wangji doesn’t move, merely continues staring at Jiang Cheng as if he’s the one who shouldn’t be here. Jiang Cheng tries desperately to reign himself in. “May I speak to Wei Wuxian alone?” Jiang Cheng says, through gritted teeth. 

It isn’t until Wei Wuxian’s arm comes up from behind that Lan Wangji shows any inclination of moving. “Lan Zhan,” he says softly. “It’s fine. You should go talk to your brother, hmm?” He places his hand on Lan Wangji’s shoulder, and his sleeve falls down slightly. Jiang Cheng can see the edge of long, purple, bruises on Wei Wuxian’s wrist. 

Jiang Cheng refrains from snorting out loud. As if Lan Wangji is the one who has to protect Wei Wuxian from Jiang Cheng, and not the other way around. 

But Lan Wangji listens to Wei Wuxian (and when did that happen?) and shoots one last glare at Jiang Cheng before whirling around in what would be called a huff from someone less refined. 

Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian are both silent for a moment while Lan Wangji leaves. Wei Wuxian’s smile fades, and he slowly looks smaller and smaller until Lan Wangji is completely out of earshot. Jiang Cheng is almost trembling from the effort it takes to restrain his anger.

“So,” Jiang Cheng begins. He feels like he’s dragging words up from some abyss within himself. “You’re engaged to Lan Wangji now, huh?”

“Jiang Cheng–”

“I had to find this out from Huaisang,” Jiang Cheng continues, because he has something to say and damn if he isn’t going to say it. “Nie Huaisang knew before me.”

His only consolation is that Lan Qiren cancelled today’s lecture, in favor of some self-reflective meditation. But being treated the same as Lan Qiren does not actually make him feel better. 

“We didn’t get engaged until last night–”

“You’re sixteen, Wei Wuxian!” Jiang Cheng shouts. He does not point out that he himself is fifteen, because that’s besides the point. “Who told you that’s a reasonable age to get married?” He feels his shoulders drawing back, like he’s about to punch Wei Wuxian. No, he reminds himself. Say what you need to say. His shoulder blades remain tense, but he unclenches his fists.

“We’re not getting married yet, Jiang Cheng.” Wei Wuxian seems like he’s trying to tease him, but for once it washes right over him. Wei Wuxian seems to realize this too, because he continues. “We just talked a lot last night, and–”

“I know,” Jiang Cheng cuts across him again. “You didn’t come back to our room last night.” 

Wei Wuxian mumbled something about a missing pouch and ran out of their rooms yesterday morning, and then returned two hours later like nothing had happened. He didn’t say a word about it to Jiang Cheng all afternoon, and he hoped that it was just Wei Wuxian being scatterbrained. Then he woke up this morning to find Wei Wuxian gone, and his bed not slept in. 

It hasn’t escaped Jiang Cheng’s notice that Wei Wuxian now carries a silver pouch on his belt. 

This time Wei Wuxian actually winces. “I…” he falters. Has he finally run out of excuses? “I didn’t want to disturb you–”

“Yeah?” Jiang Cheng snarls. “Don’t you think I should know if you get injured?”

Wei Wuxian laughs nervously. “Injured? I’m not–”

Jiang Cheng grabs his left hand. Then he yanks the inner red sleeve up, because he can, now that Lan fucking Wangji isn’t here to stop him, and exposes Wei Wuxian’s bare wrist to the air. It’s worse than Jiang Cheng thought; a long stretch of Wei Wuxian’s skin is covered with the purple and red imprints of fingers. 

Wei Wuxian yanks his hand away, and shoves his sleeves back down, but the damage has been done.

“Go on,” Jiang Cheng dares him, almost spitting. “Tell me that’s not from Lan Wangji.”

Wei Wuxian’s eyes are wide and pleading. But if he thinks that’s all it takes to get Jiang Cheng to drop it, he’s sorely mistaken. “It was a misunderstanding,” he lies through his teeth. “And I totally trashed his room! So we’re even n–”

“What were you doing in Lan Wangji’s room?” Jiang Cheng asks sharply. 

“I–remember the pouch I lost? I thought it might be in–”

“So let me get this straight,” Jiang Cheng interrupts again, fury roaring in his ears, “you decided to go look for some pouch you lost at midnight in the rooms of the guy who you’ve been doing your best to avoid because he’s been stalking you for months–”

“You were the one who said I had a crush on him!”

“–and is also GusuLan’s Head Disciplinarian, who then broke your wrist–”

“He didn’t–”

“–And now you’re engaged,” Jiang Cheng finishes. “Is that right? Did I miss anything, Wei Wuxian?”

Wei Wuxian refuses to meet his eyes, jaw clenched. “It’s not how it looks like, Jiang Cheng.”

“Isn’t it?” Jiang Cheng’s gray eyes are narrowed slits. “Because I can tell you what it sounds like. It sounds like guy who’s been non stop harassing you for almost half a year forced you into his rooms and–”

“Jiang Cheng!” Wei Wuxian interrupts sharply. “You can say what you want about me, but Lan Zh–”

“Oh I can, can I?” Jiang Cheng says nastily. “Then I say that you’re a terrible Head Disciple, a worse Jiang disciple, you’re lazy and arrogant and useless, my sister wasted her efforts trying to make us get along, and my father should’ve left you to the dogs!”

By the time he finishes, breathing hard, Wei Wuxian seems to have shrunk before him. He looks like he’s been slapped across the face. 

“See,” Jiang Cheng spits. “It’s so much easier to make up lies than to tell the fucking truth, isn’t it, Wei Wuxian?”

Wei Wuxian looks up sharply, silver eyes wide. As if he’s surprised to hear that what Jiang Cheng just said was nothing more than a lot of lies. As if he hadn’t realized that Jiang Cheng knows he’s been lied to for months. 

“Are you ever going to tell me the truth?” Jiang Cheng demands.

Wei Wuxian shakes his head mutely, and it’s then that Jiang Cheng finally realizes that he’ll have to go first. He’s so used to coming in second behind Wei Wuxian that it’s never occurred to him just how hard it is to be first. And it isn’t actually hard, not like all of the skills that Wei Wuxian does so effortlessly, it’s only hard because Jiang Cheng is, for some reason, terrified. 

Jiang Cheng finally has the chance to beat Wei Wuxian in something, and he’s almost too scared to do it. Almost. But Jiang Cheng is far more scared of the ever-growing fear that the Cloud Recesses is stealing his brother from him. 

Say that you’re worried about him, Jiang Yanli says. So he takes a deep breath, remembers his sister’s advice, and tries to be the bigger person.

“I didn’t mean it,” he says first. If Wei Wuxian doesn’t believe him on that, then they’re not going to get anywhere. “I didn’t mean any of that.”

“I know,” Wei Wuxian says.

“I’m worried about you,” Jiang Cheng admits. “I always thought that you’d stay in the Jiang Sect forever–”

“I don’t want to leave Lotus Pier!” Wei Wuxian insists. “I don’t want to leave you, Jiang Cheng.”

Aren’t you? Jiang Cheng almost bites out, but he’s trying, damnit, he’s really trying. “But,” Jiang Cheng continues, “if you’re marrying Lan Wangji–”

“I’m not marrying into the Lans,” Wei Wuxian says. “We’re going to have the wedding in Lotus Pier–” he falters. “That is, if–”

“We’re happy to, you fucking idiot,”  Jiang Cheng says from between clenched teeth. 

“Right,” Wei Wuxian says faintly. 

Jiang Cheng finally looks away. They let the tense silence drag on while a confused Lan disciple passes them on the way to the Library Pavilion. They’re supposed to go to dinner soon, but Jiang Cheng has no intention of showing up. He and Wei Wuxian can always go to Caiyi tonight, if they feel like it. He wonders if Lan Xichen is having an equally uncomfortable conversation with his brother. He hopes so. 

“Mother will approve of the marriage, you know,” he tells the dirt.

He doesn’t say that Yu Ziyuan will see it as yet another area where Cangse Sanren’s son will upstage her own. Jiang Cheng has to marry a woman to continue the Jiang line, and there’s no young woman with the same renown as Lan Wangji. That has less to do with Lan Wangji and more to do with the status of women in general, but the point remains. 

“I’m sorry,” Wei Wuxian says eventually. There’s still an invisible wall between them, and Jiang Cheng hates it. He can’t stand Wei Wuxian apologizing for his own happiness. “I didn’t–”

“Let’s become sworn brothers,” Jiang Cheng blurts. He senses Wei Wuxian staring at him, but can’t quite bring himself to look. “I mean,” he continues, mumbling, “I know we’re not actually brothers, and you’re supposed to be my disciple, but.” He forces himself to say it. “We are brothers. Right?” Jiang Cheng finally turns to look Wei Wuxian in the eye. 

Wei Wuxian nods faintly, looking starstruck. “Jiang Cheng…” he says tremulously. 

“Are we not?” Jiang Cheng presses. He doesn’t know if he’ll be able to deal if Wei Wuxian says no. 

“We are,” Wei Wuxian agrees. His voice cracks on the second word. “You’ve always been my brother. But…Madame Yu…”

“Fuck her,” Jiang Cheng says, with feeling. “This isn’t about her!”

Wei Wuxian almost gapes at him, his silver eyes round. He splutters incoherently, mouth closing and opening without a word. It's the first time Jiang Cheng has ever managed to leave him speechless. 

“We are brothers,” Jiang Cheng says again. “This just makes it official.” He doesn’t mention that it was his sister’s idea, and that she simply proposed to him in a letter the solution to all his problems with Wei Wuxian. 

Jiang Cheng scuffs the dirt with one boot. “This way you have to trust me,” he mumbles. 

“I–” Wei Wuxian’s eyes are welling up. Jiang Cheng is so not prepared for his brother to start crying. “I–okay. A-Cheng.”

“Good,” Jiang Cheng says firmly. “I’m just saying,” he adds, a tad snidely, once again directing his attention to the dirt, “if you can get engaged to Lan Wangji without telling anyone, we can become sworn brothers without telling anyone.”

This finally wins him a laugh, albeit a tearful one, from Wei Wuxian, who finally breaks and attacks Jiang Cheng with one of his squishy octopus hugs, the ones that Jiang Cheng always says he hates. And for once, Jiang Cheng hugs him back.

“He’ll protect you from the dogs?” Jiang Cheng asks, once he can talk without a hitch on his voice.

Wei Wuxian swallows. “Yeah,” he says thickly. “He’ll keep the dogs away.”

MISTAKEN

Wei Wuxian almost forgets what got him kicked out of the Cloud Recesses the first time. He forgets about the conversation entirely, until he overhears some Jin disciple trying to make conversation with Jin Zixuan. 

“–can’t ask him, he already has a fiancé!”

Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian are leaving the lecture hall, but Wei Wuxian comes to an abrupt halt when he hears that. Out of the corner of his eye, he can see Jin Zixuan sniff and turn away from the Jin disciple. 

“He better not insult A-Li,” Jiang Cheng mutters under his breath.

Wei Wuxian gives his books to Jiang Cheng and tries not to clench his fists. On the one hand, he doesn’t want to get kicked out of the Cloud Recesses again, because that means leaving Lan Zhan. On the other hand, he’s not just going to stand here and let Jin Zixuan insult Jiang Yanli. His solution, then, is to do what he does best and insert himself in the conversation before Jin Zixuan can.

So he bounds over and slings an arm over the Jin disciple’s shoulder. “As an engaged man,” he says cheerfully, “I can say that my fiancé is without a doubt the handsomest, prettiest person here. But you can’t ask the same of Young Master Jin,” he continues, waving at Jin Zixuan as if he, too, is Wei Wuxian’s friend. “He’s never had a conversation with his fiancé!” Which isn’t true, exactly, but it’s close enough to true for Wei Wuxian.

“That’s rich, coming from you,” the Jin disciple sneers, throwing Wei Wuxian’s hand off his shoulder. “Everyone has heard the story of how you got engaged.” 

His smile only widens. “That’s funny,” Wei Wuxian says dangerously, without a trace of humor in his voice. “I certainly don’t remember telling anyone.” 

Then he ignores the disciple, who backs away warily, in favor of stalking up to Jin Zixuan and staring him down. The boy refuses to look cowed–he has more pride than that–but he looks distinctly uncomfortable. 

“You might want to reconsider what you were about to say about someone you don’t know,” Wei Wuxian advises, still smiling. “Or you’ll regret it one day, and then you’ll come begging to Jiang Cheng and I for advice on how to court our sister.”

Wei Wuxian still feels incredibly guilty about Jin Zixuan’s death, which is why he holds himself unnaturally still. This is his first time talking to Jin Zixuan since Qiongli Path. Of course it was different, then. Jin Zixuan had been grown, and a father. Wei Wuxian wants him to be a father again, for Jiang Yanli’s sake, but that doesn’t mean he’s against making Jin Zixuan suffer first. 

But he knows a thing or two about regrets. So he’s willing to extend Jin Zixuan a helping hand. Or what counts as a helping hand from him, anyway. 

Now Jin Zixuan looks confused as well as uncomfortable, and a little unnerved both by how motionless Wei Wuxian is, and his eerie, too-wide smile, but that doesn’t stop him from trying to insult him back. “If you like her so much–”

“Jin Zixuan,” Jiang Cheng growls, having followed Wei Wuxian. “Will you insult both of my siblings to salvage your own pride?”

Jin Zixuan tries to stare both of them down, but eventually realizes he’s outnumbered and looks away. “Unnecessary,” he says with a sniff. 

“If you’re really so against the engagement,” Wei Wuxian adds, “why don’t you just ask your father to call it off? Or does he not have that power?”

Jin Zixuan flushes, and Wei Wuxian skips away, smiling like he never just had a passive-aggressive argument with his sister’s fiancé.

“Why did you say that?” Jiang Cheng asks, once they’re far enough away. “He might actually take it to his father.”

They head down one of the main paths of the Cloud Recesses, towards the practice fields. After practice, they’ll meet up with Lan Zhan and fly to Caiyi, where Wei Wuxian will begin another one of his attempts to get them to get along. He hopes that it’ll go better than last time, but the less said about the Bean Paste Incident, the better. 

“But it might be better that way!” Wei Wuxian says. “That way, their love will be all-natural.” He gives Jiang Cheng a condescending shoulder pat when Jiang Cheng looks at him like he’s gone crazy. “Trust me,” Wei Wuxian says confidently. “I’m an expert on romance. One day Jin Zixuan will realize how sorely mistaken he is about our Yanli, and then we’ll get to laugh in his face!”

Jiang Cheng just rolls his eyes at him, still looking extremely skeptical. “If you say so,” he says doubtfully. Wei Wuxian makes the appropriate sounds of mock outrage, and Jiang Cheng dutifully ignores him. “But keep doing the smiling thing,” Jiang Cheng adds. “It looks very unnerving.”

“Aww, Jiang Cheng,” Wei Wuxian says, altogether too pleased with himself. “You’re too kind!”

Wei Wuxian knows a thing or two about regrets. It’s still hard for him to forgive Jin Zixuan for judging Jiang Yanli so harshly without even knowing her, especially when he knows Jiang Yanli will never hold a grudge on her own behalf. But Lan Zhan would know what it’s like to be so misunderstood by another person. And Wei Wuxian thinks he understands quite well what it’s like to be so mistaken about another person.

HOME

The Lotus Pavilion is awash with life and laughter tonight. The massive columns are decked out in silver and purple, and specially commissioned cloud and lotus lanterns hang all around the square, sloping roof of the pavilion. More of these lanterns line all four of the paths leading to the Lotus Pavilion, illuminating the wooden planks and the dark waters with a soft orange-yellow glow.

Nothing about Lotus Pier is very impressive, in and of itself. It doesn’t have the exorbitant riches of Koi Tower, or the austere beauty of Cloud Recesses, or the forbidding presence of the Nie fortresses. Lan Zhan never visited the original Lotus Pier in his first life, but now he wishes he had.

Lotus Pavilion sits behind Lotus Hall, the main building complex of the Jiangs. It’s a simple square, open-air pavilion that goes unused most of the time. But tonight, it’s something else entirely. The decorations themselves are rather simple; the Jiangs did not pay for more materials than the silver and purple ribbons, and the commissioned lanterns. But the servants of Lotus Pier have spent weeks moving lotus pods, lotus flowers, and all the lotuses they could get their hands on, to the waters surrounding the Lotus Pavilion. The result is a forest of flowers, carpeting the water’s surface until one might think they could walk across it. 

In between the lotuses are dozens upon dozens of boats, full of the citizens of Lotus Pier. Wei Ying is well-known and well-loved in Lotus Pier, and many people came to see their Young Master Wei get married. Each of them carry a lantern, throwing light on the pink lotus flowers. The result–a massive bed of softly glowing lotuses–is truly magnificent. 

The sun is still in the middle of setting, and it casts a warm orange glow on the west side of the Lotus Pavilion, while faint stars dot the sky to the east. Since it’s not quite night yet, the mosquitos have not come out yet. When the noise crowd finally quiets down, Lan Zhan can hear the quiet lapping of water against the columns of the pier. He imagines taking walks along the boardwalk in the early morning, watching the sun rise over the lotuses of the pier. He imagines falling asleep every night next to Wei Ying, listening to the soft lapping of water welcoming them home, and he thinks; I could get used to this. 

Fading sunlight dazzles the bed of lotuses, which fades into the endless expanse of aquamarine waters like a waterfall at the edge of the world. All in all, Lotus Pavilion looks like it was ripped straight from a fairytale, or brought to life from a painting hanging in the bedroom of an emperor. 

The Lan delegation waits patiently in orderly rows on the southern boardwalk. Lan Xichen and Lan Qiren stand in the front, and they both seem to be studiously avoiding looking at Sect Leader Lan, who stands in the pavilion proper. Lan Haozhi holds a plaque bearing the name Zhang Jue in delicate calligraphy. He came to see his second son get married, to the surprise of his second son. Still, Lan Xichen is nearly radiant with happiness for his little brother, and even Lan Qiren looks cautiously pleased.

The Jiang delegation waits restlessly on the northern boardwalk. The junior disciples are running up and down while the senior disciples wait for their beloved Head Disciple to arrive. Jiang Cheng and Jiang Yanli stand in the front. Jiang Yanli is trying not to cry, and Jiang Cheng is trying to control a donkey.

“My sworn brother asked for a donkey, I got him a damn donkey,” Jiang Cheng is saying to anyone who’ll listen, but everyone knows he’s getting a kick out of calling Wei Ying his brother. 

Jiang Fengmian and Yu Ziyuan both stand next to Lan Haozhi, carrying plaques bearing the names of the former Head Disciple of YunmengJiang, Wei Changze, and the disciple of the immortal Baoshan Sanren, Cangse Sanren. The presence of Yu Ziyuan is a surprise to everyone but the Jiangs. 

“Should I not be present for the wedding of my son’s sworn brother?” Is how Yu Ziyuan explained it, archly.

The truth is that Lan Zhan took one look at Madame Yu and declared war, and Yu Ziyuan is not one to back down from a fight. But the result is Sect Leader Jiang and Madame Yu standing side by side, unaware that they have the most functional relationship out of any of the great sect leaders. 

Delegations of all the other sects fill the eastern pavilion, as it is the marriage of GusuLan’s Second Jade and YunmengJiang’s Head Disciple. Nie Mingjue is the only other great sect leader to arrive, ostensibly to prevent his little brother from getting into trouble. His deputy, Meng Yao, follows behind Nie Huaisang, carrying a stack of books that Nie Huaisang claims are a wedding present for his friend. He can’t quite see over the pile, and bumps into Jin Zixuan, who is standing next to his mother and his (only) friend Luo Qingyang, looking anywhere but the direction of his former fiancé. He bends down to yell at Meng Yao and help him pick up the books, only to engage in a long and lengthy conversation in which Jin Zixuan slowly turns redder and redder, until he’s almost as red as the Wen delegation.

The Wens, of course, could not possibly send anyone from the main family to a wedding of so little importance. So they sent the head of one of the branch families and her little brother; a distant relative of Wen Ruohan but favored for her skills as a doctor. 

“I’m going to adopt them so hard they won’t know what hit them,” Wei Ying said to Lan Zhan gleefully, when he saw Wen Qing and Wen Ning arrive. Normally, Wen Ruohan does not allow both of them to leave Qishan at the same time, but in this instance he simply forgot. He couldn’t be bothered to remember a wedding so far beneath him. Wei Ying has never been more grateful for Wen Ruohan’s arrogance. 

Lotus Hall is prepared for a massive banquet afterwards, full of Yunmeng classics, from soups to spiced pork and peeled lotus pods, as well as a selection of vegetarian dishes for the Lans. Wei Ying fully intends to leverage his status as the groom to get whatever he wants, which in this case is a conversation with Wen Ning, followed by an attempt to get both of them to leave QishanWen. It’ll be difficult, Wei Ying knows, but back in their room in Lotus Pier, under numerous wards and protections, is the heavily-sealed waterborne abyss, along with Wei Ying’s new dizi. He and Lan Zhan have spent months developing the most complex set of arrays they’ve ever seen–maze arrays and ones designed to serve as a warning bell–to protect Lotus Pier. Wei Ying is determined to protect everyone, and Lan Zhan is determined to support him.   

Wei Ying and Lan Zhan were supposed to have separate rooms in Lotus Pier, a custom that supposedly protects the chastity of the bride. But this wedding has no bride, and in terms of chastity, that ship sailed, wrecked and sunk to the bottom of the eastern ocean before they ever left the Cloud Recesses. 

A hush falls over the crowd as the two arrive now. Wei Ying and Lan Zhan are overflowing with red silk, adorned with hair ornaments, and lightly brushed with makeup. It is breathtaking for everyone involved; when they see each other, and when their families see them. Lan Zhan is classically handsome, and Wei Ying is astonishingly beautiful. They’ve never seen anything more magnificent than each other.

Lan Zhan and Wei Ying arrive in the Lotus Pavilion from the western boardwalk. They look out over the sea of gently shining lotus flowers, and the faces of friends and family, all gathered to witness their union. The waters of Lotus Pier brush against the pavilion columns. A faint smell of spice drifts from the Lotus Hall, overlaying the natural scent of fresh water and the musky scent of cut wood. It smells like home, to Wei Ying. It smells like Wei Ying, to Lan Zhan, and Wei Ying is his home.

Sunset spills over the waters of Lotus Pier, and Wei Ying and Lan Zhan arrive at the Lotus Pavilion like deities from heavenly halls; realms where fairytales come true. They bow once to the heavens, and once to their ancestors. Jiang Fengmian bears a proud smile, and even the stiff Madame Yu relents on this occasion. Lan Haozhi looks in awe, astonished by the man dressed in red and holding another’s hand in front of him, the man who used to be his child. Or perhaps he’s astonished that Lan Zhan has managed to find happiness, despite the misery of his parents. Perhaps he’s even astonished to see the happiness that he could’ve had. 

Finally, they bow to each other. Silver eyes meet gold eyes once more. It feels like coming home. It feels like peace. It feels like love. It feels like promise. It feels like the breathless, heart-stopping lurch at the end of the fall. It feels like happiness. It feels like the end of everything. It feels like the world is finally beginning.