Chapter Text
CHAPTER 4: STEPS
“I'm just saying... there's really no way to be sure about this”, the Doctor was pacing again.
Yaz sat on the stairs of the console room and watched attentively, patiently. Still, she was starting to get tired of her friend discouraging herself. They had given her time and space and it had been a week since she first found her way back into the console room.
It was hard to watch her there that first time, all lost in the hall she used to command so easily. Even the TARDIS was seemingly quieter that day, trying as much as her friends to ease the Doctor back into liveliness and a sense of normalcy. Overall it was a tremendous feeling of success. But it hadn't been more than five minutes before the blonde scrambled out of the room again, tripping over her own feet and crashing into the nearest wall. Absolutely overwhelmed. The collision caused her a good little bump and bruise too.
But each attempt had made it a little easier. Every time she stayed longer and the TARDIS would regain more of her functions and wiring noises, all those things that hadn't been in use during the years without the Doctor, until it was back to normal and the Doctor just stood there like she'd never struggled.
River stepped up to her trotting wife. It was just the three of them right now, all of her friends in one room still seemed to make her tense, so they tried to keep the group as small as possible. (Jack had taken to coming around and going for drinks with Graham and sometimes Ryan as well, every chance he got. Yaz figured he really just wanted to be close using different excuses each time to keep an eye on the Doctor. The memory of him carrying her out of that place still plagued all of them.)
“Love”, River carefully reached for her wife's hand and aside from the brief startled look in her stilling frame, she didn't communicate anything - least of all terror, “If you don't stop walking around the console in circles I will personally fly us into deep space and drop you out of those doors. Right at the end of the universe.”
Her smile was soft and gentle despite the threat and the Doctor opened her mouth to protest but nothing came out. River lifted her eyebrows expectantly, rolling a hand through warm air encouragingly, impatiently.
“I just....”, the Doctor's voice was so small that Yaz's heart dropped, as though she wasn't used to her sounding off or broken, “'s too much too soon. I can't- You don't understand it, River. Yaz... Yaz does!”
A useless attempt at pulling her friend on her side.
“I really don't”, Yaz shrugged.
“I do understand”, River let out a long sigh and closed her eyes for a moment.
Sometimes she acted more exhausted or bothered than she really was, Yaz had noted, probably to make things feel the same that they used to and part of her really wished she could've seen the two of them together before all of this.
“I am trying!”
“It's okay, Doctor, we know you are. But-”
“Uh, Yaz doesn't”, she said quickly, scrunching up her nose with an accompanying shrug - like somehow this was the big argument that would get her out of the situation at hand. A kind of ‘dog ate my homework’-esque excuse.
“What?”, River looked at Yaz who frowned right back.
“Yeah! She said that I'm not even really trying and-”
“That was months ago!”, Yaz stood up, offended, and more hurt than she let on.
She had regretted the implication for a long time, even though he still believed to have been spot on.
River clicked her tongue against her teeth, clearly scolding.
“No more excuses”, her grip on the Doctor's hand tightened, “you are going outside, young lady! Today! Two steps, that's what we agreed on.”
“I am way older than you are”, the Doctor mumbled under her breath, unsure if she wanted River to hear her disregard her authoritative tone or not.
Alas, River found it especially hard to stay serious when her wife's face scrunched up like that in response to her demanding tone. This face was so different from the others before, but she wasn't about to let her slip out of a promise just because her wife made cute faces at her. They'd been through this whole argument days ago. She was ready for some fresh air – needed it as well – the Doctor had said so herself. The sounds outside were sure to overwhelm her, however, that was to be expected and they would comfort her after. It was a well-calculated risk, one where the upsides clearly outweighed the downsides.
If the Doctor didn't push herself at least a little, she might just never find herself traveling again and River could see the aching, dreadful, deeply rooted need to leave in her wife, telling her to go. Run. Run faster.
“But-”
“No more buts, Doctor”, Yaz stepped up to them, “Come on.”
“Ugh! Can someone please remind me why I invited you two to stay with me? No one’s ever on my side! This is just like Monopoly.”
“You didn't invite me, sweetie.”
“And I'm not staying with you.”
The Doctor let out a fairly annoyed groan but Yaz's breathy laugh made it hard to really be upset. They had been here for her this whole time and the closer she was to reaching herself again, the more did the Doctor feel like she needed to stop them from looking after her - part of her felt such overwhelming guilt over needing them in the first place that it weighed her down like invisible cement blocks, securing her back in place.
“Come on now”, River smiled and tugged at the blonde's hand, slowly leading her closer to the TARDIS-entrance. It was time.
Yaz followed, slowly, not to get too close to her stumbling friend. The Doctor's newfound silence was evidence enough of her nervousness. She was probably biting her lips raw once again, but Yaz couldn't see.
“So”, River stopped, “Just two steps. No more than two minutes. Take a deep breath and don't try anything, okay?”
“'Course! I'll just step outside the TARDIS real quick, sneak a tiny little peek at the world. Feel some sun on my face and then pop back in. That's not hard at all. I've been outside before. Been there countless times. I've probably spent more time outside than inside in my life. Although, might not be true anymore? Can't tell though. I really should do some calculations on that. I was already so behind on my timeline before. This is just like school. Maybe I should do that now actually... Ugh.. Nevermind, we're here now. No time like the present, isn't that right, Yaz? River? Just... Unless...”
She did try to count how long she's been to prison before but it had ended in a breakdown.
River was running out of patience as the Doctor kept talking, so it seemed like the perfect moment to just open the door and push her outside. She did the first of these things and let go of her wife's hand simultaneously.
The sun was blindingly white in the blue afternoon sky and the chirping birds' songs washed over the Doctor like a softer bulldozer before she had a chance to take her first breath. She stood there, in the entrance, like she was stuck to it. Still and unmoving. Staring at the sun. The TARDIS was almost silent behind her - like she was holding her breath as well.
A truck drove by and it shocked the Doctor into breathing and blinking again. She swallowed and licked her lips, determined to finally follow up on the commitment she had made. One boot at a time. Slowly. Carefully. She had put on shoes to avoid feeling every single piece of grass and bits of dirt underneath in addition to tickling wind and sun on her skin. Birds and cars ringing in her ears with repetitive noises. Distantly chatting people she didn't know. Somewhere a dog was barking and someone on a bike rang their bell. There was shouting too. Children laughing and kicking a ball. Thump Thump Thump.
Before she knew it the Doctor stood outside, her feet being the only part of her that remembered how normal stepping outside used to be. Her breath was shaking but she remained still. The wind didn't feel so bad actually, moving smoothly through her hair, caressing her face, filling her lungs with fresh air. Fresh air. How long has it been? This was the first time outside the TARDIS in - possibly - close to a year. Before that, she had spent a lifetime in space and prison. This was the first time that real actual oxygen expanded her lungs. Earthy atmosphere. It made the irritating noises all around worth it. The hurt inside her head and mind were a little bit more bearable - especially the ones she couldn't place or understand. Everything at less of a distance was a stab through skin and bone, but she was outside. The whole experience was nothing short of a rollercoaster ride to her brains, the kind where you have a great time until your lunch comes back up.
“Okay, Doctor”, River whispered and reached out for her arm, “that's enough for now...”
She gently pulled the older blonde back through the automatically closing doors. Everything was quiet and still and the Doctor felt her jaw tremble when River closed in to brush her fingertips over the heated cheeks, wiping away tears. Oh.
“Love?”
The Doctor nodded and clenched her jaw, willing it to stop the tremor and keep herself from crying harder than she already was. She'd been outside. For the first time.
Her eyes opened again and the tears really built up now.
“It's-”, it's been so long. She hadn't realized how not alive she had felt trapped first in prison and then in the TARDIS. Everything outside pulsated with life, like something else she'd never know. It all looked brand new to her. Untouched. Wondrous. Dangerous. Tempting.
She just wanted it to also stop hurting inside her head.
“I know”, River smiled, she couldn't relate entirely but she knew what prison was like and maybe that was one of the reasons the Doctor had let her so close when she was the most vulnerable.
“You should rest. We can go outside again tomorrow...”
“You did so well…”, Yaz nearly grinned.
The whole thing was another massive success, a literal step in the right direction and proof that things would be okay. She would be fine.
“I felt dead for so long”, the words broke out of her with such force and agony that River wanted nothing more than to wrap her arms around the Doctor. Yaz, too, took a step closer.
“You're not”, River squeezed her hand reassuringly, “come on now. Time of tea and cuddles.”
Yes, however hard and painful the next steps would be, until she was able to run again, River, Yaz and the others would be there to hold on tight and push when necessary. The days of isolation weren't nearly forgotten but they had started to loose their power. The universe best prepare itself, soon, very soon, sooner than it felt right now the Doctor would be returning.
The Doctor wiped heavy tears away with the edge of her long sleeves and grinned on through the fresher ones, straightening her back: "Brilliant!"