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“You’re going back to the company again?”
Felix’s confused voice makes Chan look up from where he was gathering some things from the desk in their shared room to put in his backpack. His plan was to skip dinner and instead go back to the studio to get some work done - that is, until Felix caught him.
“Yeah,” he replies with a breathless chuckle, scratching his neck subcounsciously. “Thought I’d work on some songs that I didn’t get to finish yet.”
For some reason he suddenly feels bashful and notices how the tips of his ears grow warmer. He reasons it’s because he expects Felix to reprimand him, it wouldn’t be the first time after all.
“Hyung, you already skipped dinner yesterday,” Felix says with a light frown, just as Chan expected him to. The slight pout on Felix’s mouth is already enough to sway him and make him abandon his evening plans, if only it could turn Felix’s frown into a smile again.
Yet he tries not to give in to this urge.
“Nah, it’s okay, you go without me. Minho-ya and Jisungie are joining you anyway, right?”
Felix’s frown deepens at that. “Yeah, so?”
Chan tries a somewhat cheery tone. “So you’ll have company.”
“But you won’t, not when you’re gonna come back in the middle of the night and have instant ramen all by yourself again.”
“Felix…” he sighs, zipping up his backpack.
“Channie…” Felix replies in the same tone, his head cocked to the side and an almost cheeky smile teasing at his lips. It makes him look extra pretty and causes Chan’s heartbeat to skip the tiniest bit.
Felix must be aware of what he’s doing to him, how a soft look suffices to make him mellow, Chan thinks and it’s not the first time the thought has crossed his mind in the last weeks; months, even.
The next words are harder to voice because all of his instincts tell him to just give in to Felix already.
“I didn’t work all day,” Chan almost whines. He feels weirdly small standing in front of Felix as if by rejecting his offer he is somehow disappointing him.
“What? You’ve worked between filming today. I saw you on your laptop.”
“It’s just…” he trails off because he doesn’t quite know how to explain himself to Felix, of all people.
What Felix said is partly true, after all; whenever they’re shooting a music video or any other video, really, he usually tries to get as much work done as possible. Creative environments as well as a tight schedule sometimes help him work better than sitting in the studio for hours does.
However, Chan didn’t expect that filming the installments of their new Kids Room segment would be different. Every time he tried to work on an unfinished song, his mind drifted off and he found himself deleting every new layer he’d added to a track.
Something about the concept of determining your soulmate within the group made him all nervous. But it wasn’t until it was his turn to find his own soulmate and he read the first answer participant no. 5 gave, immediately feeling like it must be Felix on the other side, that the nervousness turned into a bashful fluttering feeling inside of him.
In every new answer given by no. 5 he could hear Felix’s voice, sense his presence, feel his sincerity, manifesting the image in his head that it had to be Felix.
More than that though, he wanted it to be Felix.
He only realised just how much he longed for that to be true when he rounded the corner to meet his supposedly soulmate and saw Minho sitting there. It’s not that he was disappointed to see Minho, after all he loves him dearly.
Given all of those answers from no. 5, though, he was just… confused, he reckons, because he was so sure it should have been Felix sitting there, waiting for him to take a selca together.
He tried to ignore the way his heart sank at the revelation, especially in light of the whole thing turning out to be a setup after all. The wave of relief that washed over him when Felix turned up and he realised he’d been pranked and that Felix was indeed his soulmate makes him a bit embarrassed in hindsight.
But it’s not as embarrassing as thinking back to when it was Felix’s turn, and even though he didn’t really show it - at least he hopes so - he actually felt a bit competitive. For some reason, he really wanted to win.
A very selfish part of himself, that mostly shows itself when it comes to Felix, he finally starts to acknowledge, just wanted to be Felix’s soulmate in return.
Though he does not think that that was the sole reason he started laying out his feelings in the last round a tad too honestly. He can’t even really remember what he said in detail but he does remember the subtle side-eye Jisung threw him when he was merely halfway through his answer.
It really wasn’t his intention to talk so openly, it just happened; the words just came to him naturally, like they always do when he starts talking about Felix. It’s not even a conscious thing he does.
When the question was posed - how would you show your love to me? - some sensible part of his brain simply shut down and he just started talking freely. He didn’t think about what he should say so he might win the round, all he could think about was showing Felix that he was loved and cared for, because that is something he never wants him to doubt.
And maybe there was still a tiny, selfish part that wanted Felix to realise that, by now, Chan’s own happiness is irrevocably linked to his.
Something inside of him sank a little bit when Felix didn’t even really acknowledge his answer and showed no sign of realising what it actually meant. Then again it’s not like Chan himself knows what he was trying to say. Or at least, that’s something he doesn’t quite dare to uncover just yet.
Which is also why he wasn’t completely honest with his very last answer.
When Felix asked what kind of skinship they would show towards him, his mind immediately went to the dorm where they have started to spend some nights cuddling in bed, sometimes in Chan’s, mostly in Felix’s.
However, revealing that, putting those moments into words somehow felt too intrusive. More than that, Chan knows that he doesn’t feel comfortable talking about it in any setting that involves a recording camera.
Because it’s one thing to express his love and fondness for Felix in an abstract way, even if it means trying and ultimately failing to put complicated feelings into mere simple words. But to talk about how he wants to touch him, actually touch him, about how he wants to feel Felix’s skin on his own and drink up his warmth, feels like something he isn’t allowed to do. Like something he shouldn’t be allowed to do.
So in the end, he wasn’t chosen as Felix’s soulmate. And he finds it embarrassingly hard to not sulk over this fact, even more so when a helpless voice pops up in his mind, telling him only because you think of him as your soulmate, doesn’t mean he feels the same way about you .
But maybe he needed today as a reality check, and it makes him want to try and stop clinging to Felix as much as he’s been doing lately. Which also includes declining dinner offers, even though there’s little he wants to do more right now than have a fun, relaxing dinner with some of his closest friends by his side.
“Wasn’t really productive today, you know,” Chan says sheepishly, not looking up into Felix’s eyes, as he recalls the day’s events.
There’s a beat of silence before Felix says in a cautious tone, “You’ve been a bit weird since we finished filming.”
Chan winces inwardly even before the question comes.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah, sure,” he replies at once. It’s a reflex at this point, coming from a place of not wanting to burden the people he cares most about. He knows it’s misplaced here, especially around Felix, since he’s gotten better at communicating his worries and thoughts with him in the last year, yet he can’t help to fall back into old habits.
He can practically feel the worried look Felix must be sporting right now, with his eyebrows drawn together and his top lip slightly pursed.
“You know, you don’t have to pretend with me.”
As he hears Felix closing the door behind him, Chan busies himself by putting his backpack down on the desk chair and making sure it stays upright because he knows he won’t be getting out of the room anytime soon. Not as long as Felix remains between him and the door.
“I don’t wanna pressure you or anything, I’m just worried I… Did I do something wrong? Ugh, shit…” Felix sighs heavily. “This sounds so arrogant… I just had this feeling that… I don’t know. Maybe you felt uncomfortable with something I--”
“What should I have said in the last round today to make you choose me?”
The words come out in a rush and as soon as they’re out there Chan feels completely breathless, drained even. He finally looks up at Felix who is looking back at him with surprise written clearly all over his features.
As the question hangs in the space between them, Chan can feel the warmth in his ears spread over his face. He starts tugging at the hairs at the back of his neck a bit harshly.
“Just…” Chan huffs out an embarrassed laugh. “Forget about that. I’m just…”
“Is that why you…”
Felix’s voice is hesitant, as are the steps he takes towards him, and Chan just wishes he could take his words back.
“Really, forget it.”
He fiddles a bit with the zipper of his backpack, with the hem of his hoodie, anything to keep his hands busy and his gaze focused on something else than Felix standing there in their room.
“You wanted me to choose you, right?” Felix asks bluntly, but the way he says it sounds less like a question and more like seeking affirmation for something he already knows. The honest undertone in his voice makes Chan cringe a bit more because how can he answer that truthfully without causing Felix to ask more questions.
Trying to play it off, Chan shrugs. “It’s… whatever.” He looks back up at him and gives him what he hopes looks like an unbothered smile. “Look, I’m just gonna go, I really need to work on--”
“It would have been a bit much if we turned out to be each other’s soulmates, wouldn’t it?”
Chan has to do a double take at that, because while his voice remains somewhat hesitant, there’s a smile tugging at the corners of Felix’s lips that Chan feels unwillingly drawn to. The crinkles around his eyes tells Chan that he’s being teased right now.
“Wait… you knew it was me?” he asks quietly even though it’s not the most important question that courses through his mind right now. Felix only hums.
“If you really wanted to win…” he starts, his voice low and entirely enticing.
“Yeah?”
The word barely makes it past Chan’s lips and he has to swallow to rid his throat of the sudden dryness there.
For a moment, Felix worries his bottom lip between his teeth, Chan’s eyes immediately follow the movement. Felix releases it along with a deep breath and steps closer to Chan, leaving mere inches between them.
Up close Chan can’t help but notice the many freckles on his face again and at once he feels glad Felix has decided to take off all his makeup as soon as they got home. He can only imagine what it would feel like to run his fingertips over his skin, connecting all of the tan dots splattered over his face because that’s a line he never let himself cross. His hand twitches where it’s hanging limply at his side.
When Felix’s lips start moving, apparently talking again, Chan notices that he’s been staring at his mouth for a bit too long, so he wills his eyes to snap up to Felix’s again.
“You know, I…” Felix starts. “I never tried kissing.”
Chan can hear his heartbeat thrumming in his ears. Absently, he wonders if Felix can feel how hard his heart is beating from where he’s standing in front of him, but all thought is gone at Felix’s next words.
“So maybe… I don’t know, maybe I would’ve picked you if you promised me a kiss.”
There’s a teasing smile forming on his face that belies the way he takes subtle measured breaths, as if he’s nervous. It reassures Chan and makes him feel less alone in this moment that still does not quite feel real. More than that, it gives Chan an unexpected surge of courage and all of a sudden he finds himself leaning into Felix’s space.
He can see his eyes widen before they hastily flutter shut and Chan can’t help but smile fondly. He doesn’t know if Felix is completely aware of just how disarming he is without even trying.
Instead of dwelling on this though, he bridges the rest of the distance between them and presses a soft kiss against Felix’s cheek. His skin is smooth and warm and maybe he lingers for a second too long but the way Felix’s breath hitched as soon as his lips touched his skin makes him think that he doesn’t mind.
When he pulls back, he can’t make himself move too far away just yet, so he stays in Felix’s space. He can feel his breath on his face and watches as he blinks his eyes open.
“Like that?” Chan asks, his voice low and intimate.
Felix chuckles softly and says in the same breath: “Come on, where’s the commitment?”
The cheeky pull at his lips remains but if the way Felix’s eyes flit down to Chan’s lips is any indication, he’s longing just as much as Chan for something else.
Chan hums, lifting a hand to swipe his thumb with a barely there touch right over where he just kissed him. Felix leans into it.
“That depends, I guess.”
“On what?” Felix asks with a slightly raised eyebrow.
“Do you want me as your soulmate?”
The question causes Felix to huff out another quiet laugh and his eyes crinkle happily as he nuzzles his cheek into Chan’s touch.
“Is that really so important to you?”
Chan wishes he could brush it off, be casual about it, laugh along and turn it into a joke. But, as so often in the presence of Felix, he can’t help but speak his heart, as embarrassing or revealing it might be.
“Yes.”
Felix’s laugh turns into something quieter. He seems to be searching his face, and Chan can almost physically feel his eyes roaming over his features. Then, after a moment, the glint in his eyes grows into something even warmer, something not unlike fondness. At least, that’s what Chan wants it to be.
Felix’s voice sounds breathless but giddy all the same when he finally gives his answer.
“Then yes. I choose you.”
Chan almost thinks he misheard him if it wasn’t for the cautious yet hopeful expression on Felix’s face. His words keep ringing in his head, over and over again, leaving behind a trail of warmth that Chan can feel taking up space in his whole body.
Hearing Felix say it makes him smile happily, elatedly, unguardedly, and this time he doesn’t feel like he has to be embarrassed about wearing his heart on his sleeve because he can see the same smile reflecting on Felix’s face.
He leans in, closing his eyes. He can’t wait to taste that smile on his lips.