Chapter Text
SCREEN is dark. CAMERA view is from GIMLI’S perspective - as he hears a gentle “Wake up!” he slowly blinks his eyes and sees a light shining in his face. It’s held by SMEAGOL, who kindly offers him some fish for dinner. GIMLI politely refuses.
CAMERA pans back to show GOLLUM standing over GIMLI, quite annoyed at SMEAGOL. He makes GIMLI sit in a chair at a table and gets straight to the point: How did you find the ARKENSTONE OF RESISTANCE?
GIMLI: The ARKENSTONE of what? Where am I? What’s happening?
GOLLUM gets frustrated and kicks various things around the room: The ARKENSTONE! Tell me about the ARKENSTONE!
GIMLI shakes his head, completely confused: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
GOLLUM mockingly repeats his words in a high tone: I don’t know what you’re….Playing dumb, MASTER BUILDER?!
GIMLI still doesn't understand: No, I...master builder?
GOLLUM clears his throat and it sounds like he's saying his name: Gollum! Gollum! Oh, so you’re going to tell me you don’t know anything about GLORFINDEL’s PROPHECY? Or about how you're the SPECIAL? You’re a liar!
GIMLI: No, no!
GOLLUM: Do I need to ask you the question in a riddle? Fine! What does something blue and precious call home?
GIMLI doesn’t answer fast enough, so GOLLUM starts kicking things around the room again while showing off what GIMLI thinks must be martial arts moves.
GIMLI tries to change the subject, trying to calm GOLLUM down: Look, I watch a lot of cop shows on tv, where’s the good cop?
GOLLUM sneers: Stop trying to change the subject! Solve the riddle!
GIMLI tries to answer: Uh, a river?
GOLLUM moves back to the table and leans forward across it, slamming his fists down: Wrong answer! No more games! You were found with the ARKENSTONE OF RESISTANCE. Why is it permanently stuck to your back?!
GIMLI still has no idea what GOLLUM is talking about, and shakes his head with wide eyes: I don’t know!
SMEAGOL, sympathetically: I believe you!
GOLLUM: Hah! Sucker! Look at his back!
GIMLI wants to see as well, and turns his head, but sees nothing.
GOLLUM jumps onto the table and moves GIMLI’s hair out of the way (it takes awhile, he has a lot of hair): You can’t lie to me! It’s under all of these braids!
SMEAGOL: Nice beads, though. And how do you keep it so well-conditioned?
GIMLI gets distracted and doesn't look at his back: Well, every morning I...
GOLLUM: SMEAGOL! Stop trying to be friends with him! He’s tricksy! I don’t know how that got there! See the quotation marks I’m making with my hands when I say that?
SMEAGOL, trying to be helpful, says gently: Look, Mr. Gimli, I’m not sure if you’ve seen the commercials, but on Rings and Things Tuesday the DARK LORD is going to give everyone RINGS as presents and then he’ll use the ONE RING to control everything perfectly and take everyone’s treasure, but if you have the ARKENSTONE OF RESISTANCE, then his plan won’t work and we don’t want him to be unhappy and…
GOLLUM, frustrated: Smeagol! Be quiet!
GIMLI, completely perplexed: This is a misunderstanding! I’m just a normal dwarf, with a normal construction job!
GOLLUM jumps even closer to GIMLI and makes him feel even more nervous (as well as a bit sick to his stomach, since his breath smells like sardines and tuna): We wants it, we needs it! We’ll takes it, the ARKENSTONE! Now gives it to us!!!
GOLLUM sits down, calming his heavy breathing and composing himself: Sorry, I got a bit carried away there. Now, hand it over.
GIMLI realizes that he still hasn’t looked at his back, so he does, and when he sees the ARKENSTONE stuck there he freaks out, jumping all over the room: Get it off of me! Ahhhh! It’s chasing me!
SMEAGOL calms GIMLI down and sits at the table again: Look, I’m not special. I’m just an ordinary dwarf!
GOLLUM sighs: Ordinary dwarf - it’s the perfect cover. I can't break him - ARCHERS, take him to a cell in the DUNGEON LEVEL!
SMEAGOL places a kind hand on his shoulder: Don’t worry, you won’t be there long, GOLLUM will take you on a nice tour of the MELTING CHAMBER!
A voice is heard on the INTERCOM: GOLLUM, the DARK LORD is on line number 2.
GOLLUM takes the phone call while the DARK LORD’S MIRKWOOD ARCHERS lock up GIMLI.
When a BLOND ARCHER shows up a short time later, GIMLI stands firm: Never thought I'd be taken to a melting chamber by an elf!
LEGOLAS looks puzzled: How about taken away from it by a friend? You’ll come with me if you don’t want to die!
SMEAGOL walks into the DUNGEON LEVEL, friendly as ever: Hi everybody, time for the melting chamber!
He sees LEGOLAS and GIMLI escaping, and gets nervous: Oh no! Don’t leave! GOLLUM will get angry!
LEGOLAS knocks him out, and they escape through the building, LEGOLAS defeating everyone in his path with his superb archery skills. They end up in an ALLEYWAY.
LEGOLAS puts his hand over his heart: We have waited for you for so long!
GIMLI: Uh, shouldn't we get out of here?
LEGOLAS spots a big pile of lego bricks: Oh sir, you're brilliant, we’ll build a motorcycle!
He builds it rapidly and soon they speed off, LEGOLAS driving and GIMLI holding on for dear life.
GIMLI, trying to get his mind off his fear: Hey, I didn't catch your name or anything.
LEGOLAS laughs: This ordinary dwarf cover is brilliant! You can drop the act with me. We need to meet up with GANDALF and tell him that you found the ARKENSTONE!
GIMLI is still completely confused: Just tell me what’s happening!
LEGOLAS: Silly! You’re the SPECIAL, the one that GLORFINDEL’s PROPHECY spoke of. You’re the most talented person in the universe.
GIMLI stares at LEGOLAS, unable to concentrate. He thinks he’s even more beautiful than GALADRIEL.
LEGOLAS yells, interrupting his thoughts: GIMLI! They’re following us! You drive!
GIMLI takes over driving while LEGOLAS stands on the back of the motorcycle and shoots arrows rapid-fire at GOLLUM in his POLICE CRUISER and the other pursuers. The chase winds quickly through the streets, GIMLI narrowly avoiding crashing several times, sometimes driving over GRASS and SIDEWALKS.
LEGOLAS is impressed with GIMLI’s driving, not knowing it’s mostly good luck: You’re even more talented than the prophecy said you would be! I’m Legolas, by the way.
They've evaded their pursuers for at least a few moments, and LEGOLAS takes over driving again. They head for a SECRET TUNNEL that has the DARK LORD’S banner across the top – it says YOU SHALL NOT PASS.
LEGOLAS speaks the password – MELLON – and they pass through the tunnel before any of their pursuers see them do so.
The police cars all crash. GOLLUM is mad and kicks things around again. For now, he’s foiled. But not for long, he vows: Gollum! Gollum! It's gone, gone, gone, but we'll gets it back!