Work Text:
Seonghwa watched as Hongjoong carried a sleeping San to bed, Wooyoung clinging to his arm and sleepily following the older boy into the room. The two boys had gone to the leader a while earlier saying they couldn’t sleep, and Hongjoong had guided them to lay by his side/on his lap until they were either asleep or groggy enough that they would fall asleep as soon as their heads touched the pillow. He sighed.
Hongjoong was a great leader. Not only because he knew exactly how to push them to be their best without pressuring them, but also because he was kind, open and sweet, and everyone in the group knew they could go to him with whatever problem they had. Seonghwa always saw it happening. Jongho had told Hongjoong first when he decided to come out about being asexual. Mingi had gone to Hongjoong when he noticed he wanted to be in a relationship with Yunho and Yeosang. San had gone to Hongjoong when he thought his and Wooyoung's relationship was in a crisis, and Wooyoung had gone to Hongjoong when he noticed he had to apologize to San.
Those were only some examples, of course. Hongjoong was their safe place. He took care of them and never judged anyone, and was the go-to person for problems and impromptu cuddle sessions. So Seonghwa had no idea why he couldn’t go to the boy for that like the others.
Actually, that was a lie. He knew, he knew perfectly well why he couldn’t go to Hongjoong: despite everything, Seonghwa was still older than Hongjoong. Not by much, of course, but he was still older. And that meant that he should be able to deal with his problems himself, like Hongjoong did, and not add even more to the boy’s already full schedule. He was supposed to take care of Hongjoong, not be taken care of.
Except Seonghwa couldn’t. He was good at solving his own problems, yeah, but sometimes they got too much and sometimes he… sometimes he just really wished he was four years younger, just so he could ask for cuddles and help like the others did. He never did, obviously. It would be ridiculous for him to do that. He was the oldest, he had to be an example. He couldn’t act like the younger ones.
Seonghwa gritted his teeth, and it took all he had not to fling the milk carton across the room. He felt his eyes filling with tears as he looked at the spilled chocolate milk on the table and floor. It was late. He was tired. He just wanted to have something to drink and go to bed, but now he had to clean up his mess.
Rubbing his eyes with much more strength than necessary, he put the carton down and turned to grab a washcloth. Then he heard a thump and looked back, knowing exactly what had happened. Still, the sight of the milk carton on the floor, the leftover milk spilling out, was too much for him at the moment. In a second he was sitting on the floor, sobbing in a way that he hadn’t since he had joined the company.
He didn’t know for how long he stayed there until he felt a hand on his shoulder. He pulled away, startled, and looked up. The sight of Hongjoong worriedly looking at him only made him more frustrated.
“No. No, you can’t be here. Go to bed, Hongjoong, go to sleep.”
He demanded, barely able to form words. Hongjoong said nothing. Instead, he picked up the spilled carton and in a few seconds cleaned up everything. Then he offered Seonghwa a hand and when Seonghwa accepted, pulled him up.
They sat on the couch in silence for quite some time, only Seonghwa’s occasional sobs breaking the quietness of the night. The older wanted to pull away from Hongjoong’s embrace, but he felt so warm and safe, and at the moment he didn’t have the strength to refuse that. So he continued to cry against Hongjoong.
Once he did stop crying, Hongjoong pulled back. He softly dried Seonghwa’s face.
“Want to tell me what the problem is?”
He asked, softly. Seonghwa almost broke down again. Almost.
“I’m just tired. I’m sorry I disturbed you,” he said.
Hongjoong frowned.
“You didn’t disturb me. And I know there’s more to this than just you being tired," he said, raising an eyebrow, waiting for Seonghwa to talk.
With a sigh, Seonghwa noticed he had no way out of this.
“I’m tired. I’m tired of being alone, tired of being an adult, tired of being another problem for you to deal with,” he said.
Hongjoong’s frown deepened even more.
“What do you mean a problem? You’re not a problem, Hwa, what the hell?”
Seonghwa looked down.
“I’m the oldest, Joong. I should be helping you with the younger ones, but they all go to you, and then now you have me crying on you, too, like a baby. That’s not right.”
He said, feeling his eyes watering again. Before answering, Hongjoong made him look up.
“Hwa, this has nothing to do with how old or young you are. Yunho goes to Jongho for help as often as he comes to me, and Wooyoung is always taking care of Sannie. Mingi helped Yunho after a nightmare the other day, and Jongho helped him on the previous week.” He said. Seonghwa frowned. He had seen none of that happen. “Helping others and needing help has nothing to do with how old you are. All of us are here to help each other, and all of us need help at times. There’s no shame in asking for it.”
Seonghwa felt stupid. He should have noticed the others going to each other, should even have counted all the times the others had gone to him for help. Sure, Hongjoong was the go-to person for bigger problems, and the preferred help, if he was available. But everyone was always supporting everyone, and Seonghwa had been blind enough not to see it. He bit on his lip.
“I… I still feel bad for taking your time. You work so much, Joong, I…”
Hongjoong shook his head.
“I like taking care of you guys. I like seeing you happy and well, I hate it when you guys are sad. You’ll never ‘take my time’, I want to be here for you. So come to me when you need. And to the others. We’re here to help,” he said.
Seonghwa rolled his eyes, annoyed with the tears in them.
“You made me cry,” he complained.
Hongjoong chuckled and kissed his cheek.
“Lie down here.” He said, and Seonghwa only hesitated for a second before lying down against Hongjoong’s chest. “Good. Now close your eyes. I’ll be here when you wake up.”
With Hongjoong holding him, warm and familiar, Seonghwa slept better than he had in months.