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Hell Was the Journey but it Brought Me Heaven

Chapter 4

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

The same three words had been running through Yusuf’s head on repeat all day.

He came back, he came back, he came back, he came back.

It was still a shock that Nicolò was next to him again. He knew he’d come back eventually, maybe in a few years when signs of the immortality started to show if aging was truly something they could no longer show physically. But not only after two months.

Today was a day he was meant to help a shopkeeper stock his shelves. When he showed up with Nicolò and asked if he could help too he was surprised by how he took him in with ease. While they worked, he caught Nicolò up on what kinds of jobs he’d been doing. He actually seemed engaged in what he’d had to say.

When he asked Nicolò about Antioch, he went silent for a moment.

“Nothing exciting. I didn’t do much at all.”

He smiled at him. “I hope it didn’t make you too lazy.”

Nicolò laughed. He noticed how much his light eyes sparkled. “I assure you, it has not.”

He looked away when the face started to overwhelm him with joy. Enough that he wanted to lean over and pressed their lips together.

He felt like a kind of fool for asking Nicolò to sleep in his bed. He hadn’t had any sort of ulterior motives and his closeness had been more than enough. He had spent much of the night thinking about pulling him closer to his chest so they were folded into each other or resting his head on his chest, Nicolò possibly playing with his hair.

What he would give to feel Nicolò’s fingers in his hair.

He tried not to think about it too much. Desire in the physical sense was one thing. Desire for something more emotional wasn’t the greatest idea. They could live for eternity, and if something broke them then they’d both be alone.

He was still really nice to look at. He had the warmth of the sun in one smile. His eyes were like the ocean, something he wanted to dive deep into. He could see a kind man under all the teachings of the Franks.

He was long gone from the man he’d killed in a battlefield. Maybe they’d learn to really laugh at the way they’d killed each other in the beginning. Time could hand that to them.

Whatever eternity was going to give them, he could at least say he looked forward to it.


They’d been working almost everyday. Some days Yusuf would go work on his art for someone who was paying for his work. Yusuf had said something about there being a better market in a city instead of small villages. He regretted not believing him when he’d suggested selling art long ago.

It was night and he was sitting by the window watching the stars. Yusuf was still out, do a job that only required one person. Some music being played outside was drifting through the window and he nodded his head along.

The alone time had given him more time to think about where he and Yusuf stood. They’d fallen into a friendship, a more stable one than before. That was something he knew for sure. But he kept replaying Filipo’s accusation of love in his head.

Filipo, if anything, had jumped to a conclusion. A simple misunderstanding. Two men traveling together didn’t have to mean anything but maybe their interactions had been the cause.

Whatever he was feeling, he didn’t want it to be because Yusuf was the closest man to him, one who he shared certain desires with in a more general sense.

He thought back to those cruel words that had followed him for so, so long.

“Men like us don’t love, Nico.”

Every time he recalled them, it felt like a stabbing in his chest. Enough for him to push aside the possibility of ever having a man like that. Yusuf included.

He heard the door open and Yusuf walked through, bright smile on his face. He was brandishing a bottle of what looked like wine which had Nicolò’s full attention.

“Hello, Nico,” he said cheerfully.

“Hi. Is that what I think it is?”

He grinned and showed him the bottle. “It is indeed, would you like some?”

“Please.”

He poured the both of them cups and they sat on the window together drinking. It was nice wine too, and Nicolò decided against asking what he’d done to get it.

They sat in a comfortable silence. Yusuf’s feet had found his lap and he rubbed his ankles as a way to return the affection.

It was peaceful. A peace he wasn’t sure he’d ever known before. Yusuf provided contentment that he hadn’t realised he’d been looking for.

A few cups of wine in, Yusuf was nodding along to the music outside. If Nicolò had to guess, they were playing in a space where people could dance. It was upbeat so he could imagine how people were laughing and dancing and just wholly enjoying themselves.

Yusuf smiled at him, eyes crinkling and dimples flashing. “Want to go and join?”

He smiled back at him and nodded. They set their wine down and followed the sound of the music. The found people in the square, seeing friends and lovers dance and some people dance on their own. Yusuf took his hand and pulled him to the crowd and they started to dance together. Usually Nicolò would object to the idea but maybe the problem had always been he hadn’t had someone he’d wanted to dance with.

He and Yusuf were hand in hand as they danced around, both shrieking in laughter. They weren’t exactly chest to chest but they were so close to being so.

Someway through, Yusuf’s forehead had started to press against his own. Something flashed in Yusuf’s eyes while Nicolò stomach felt like it was twisting.

Neither of them moved, they just swayed in the spot even as the music remained upbeat. It would be so easy for their heads to ever so slightly tilt and for their lips to meet delicately. So easy for them to return to their home and let their hands explore each other for real. To know every part of the other.

Except that wasn’t what happened. Yusuf pulled his head away eventually wile Nicolò’s sweaty palms gripped his hips.

Yusuf didn’t step away, instead pulling him closer so their chests were now flush. Now he was sure Yusuf could feel his heart racing in his chest.

“Are you enjoying yourself?” Yusuf asked. It was in Zeneize and not the Arabic they’d been using. That made him want to find a very high cliff and jump off of it.

Whatever it was he was feeling, he was starting to realise it was stronger than anything he’d felt before. Whether it be Filipo or the other man in the monastery. This was its own thing altogether because Yusuf was extraordinary.

“Yes.”

I think I could enjoy eternity with you.


It’d been a few more months of working, not much different from when they’d first set off. Only now there wasn’t a particular goal in mind. They were living comfortably and didn’t have the urge to travel quite yet. They could search for the two women but neither of them had been east so it would only cause great difficulty.

Yusuf had been enjoying their time together immensely. They were finally in a comfortable state where they didn’t have to sleep in a tent anymore. It was comfortable footing where they both blended into the background.

The more settled the both got, the more he started to think about himself and Nicolò. He wasn’t exactly sure when it had happened but his affection for him had grown more and more. That emotional connection he wanted started to eat at him more. He thought more and more each day what it would feel like to feel his lips against his.

While his affections were strong, he still wasn’t sure if it was exactly love.

He could hear Nicolò had dozed off in their bed. He was still drawing by candlelight. It was one for pure fun since he rarely had time to do that.

That was when he heard the door open. His head snapped up and he saw men coming through the door.

Before he could do anything as he barely registered Nicolò shouting his name, an arrow pierced his neck and everything turned black.

When he woke up, the first thing he realised was he was still on the ground.

The second thing he realised was Nicolò had pulled out his longsword and was hacking at the men. An arrow that he still had to pull out was in his shoulder. He watched as Nicolò gracefully wield his sword on the five men, all of them dropping like flies at his hand.

Nicolò didn’t stop until they were all dead at his feet. His clothes and face were covered in blood.

That seemed to be the last of his concerns. He tossed his longsword aside and came to Yusuf, taking the arrow out of his neck.

“Yusuf!” He sobbed out. “Are you okay? Are you alive?” His words were a mess of Arabic, Zeneize, and Greek as tears mixed with the blood on his face.

He gave a heavy breath and cupped his cheek in his hand. “I’m here, Nicolò. I’m here. I won’t leave you.”

He looked down at him with desperate eyes as he helped him sit up. “I thought… I was worried that whatever this is would only work on each other. That other’s could possibly kill us.”

He smiled at him, feeling a warmth of affection. “I guess not.” He pulled the arrow out of Nicolò’s shoulder. He blinked back at him, looking at his shoulder as if he hadn’t realised it was been there.

“What happened? Last thing I remember when I died was you screaming my name.”

“Bandits, I’m guessing. They were definitely going to kill me but I grabbed my sword in time and took them out.”

He beamed up at him. “I can see that.” He looked at his mouth and he would give anything to wiped the blood off it and kiss him to show him how grateful he was. “Thank you. For defending what we’ve built here.”

He smiled back at him. “It’s been mostly you. I can’t take too much credit.” He looked behind him. “We should probably get the bodies out though.”

He nodded. “And you need to bathe.”

“That too.”

After the bodies were dragged out into a secluded street, Nicolò started to boil water and strip down. Yusuf thought about going to bed to avoid making it awkward. Although they’d seen each other bathe before.

Now things were different. He’d watch him kill for him with no hesitation. It had almost put him into a trance. He knew in that moment that he cared for Nicolò exactly how he’d been trying to avoid. If Nicolò would do this for him, then maybe he meant something to him too.

He decided to keep his eyes off of Nicolò and go to bed. He curled to his side and closed his eyes.

He didn’t sleep. He listened to Nicolò shuffling around their home and the sound of him washing all the blood off himself. He wondered what it would be like to help him wash off other people’s blood as his body held no wounds.

He heard him walk around for a few minutes before he returned to their bed. He felt his weight dip the bed so they were comfortably balanced as he enveloped himself against him.

Hesitantly, he put an arm on his hip. He felt him freeze against him before he relaxed against the touch. It was just like the first time they’d hugged.

He didn’t pull him closer, he did however let their legs tangle as they usually did. He buried his face in the crook of his neck and slowly drifted to sleep.


Their sleeping arrangement changed slowly over the next few months.

It was only slight. It was after Yusuf had placed a hand to his hip for the first time.

Slowly, he started to wrap him in his arms so he was closer to his chest. Then slowly, Nicolò would return the hold by putting his own arms over Yusuf’s.

It felt almost natural, Nicolò settled into his arms so easily that Yusuf could imagine him there forever.

Over the past few months, he was slowly falling in love with Nicolò even more. It was getting close to two years since they’d first crossed blades in the Holy City. So close to two years of their gift being bestowed unto them. Two years of trying to see the best in the other.

It didn’t feel like two years. The whole time had flown by in a way that almost felt like a dream. Everything with Nicolò felt like a dream.

As he awoke that morning, hearing Nicolò making their breakfast, he smiled big as he’d realised he could live the rest of his life like this, however long that may be.

He got out of bed and walked towards Nicolò. His hair hadn’t been combed and his beard was starting to get long. He almost asked him if he’d wanted him to help him with his grooming but decided against it. Nicolò always eventually asked him to shave him.

“I was going to the bazaar today, did you want to come?” he asked.

Nicolò beamed at him. “Sure. We need more fruit.”

He smiled back at him and this time, didn’t ignore that back-flips his stomach did as he witnessed that smile.

They walked to the bazaar together, waving to people they’d recognised and smiled at children who ran passed them.

Nicolò went ahead of him into the bazaar and Yusuf stayed close behind. He’d noticed that he really loved the bazaar, enough that his excitement was infectious enough to make him enjoying their weekly shops.

As he looked over some meat, he heard someone call his name. When he looked up, he felt his heart in his throat when he saw it was Pierus.

Pierus was a man he’d brought to bed more than once. He’d traveled from Florence and they’d had some meaningless fun when Nicolò was still in Antioch. He hadn’t given him so much as a second thought since the last time they’d been in bed together.

“Pierus, how are you?” he asked politely as he came closer. Yusuf felt like his own feet was rooted in his place.

“I’m doing wonderful, Yusuf. I hadn’t known you were still in town.”

He shrugged casually. “Never left.”

He nodded. “Ah, been busy I’m guessing? Romancing all the men, I’m sure.”

He opened his mouth to speak before Nicolò’s voice called from where he stood by the fruit. “Yusuf! Should we get pomegranates!”

The usage of ‘we’ sent a bolt of elasticity up his spine as he smiled back at him. “Yes please!”

He looked back at Pierus, who had a looking of relisation on his face. “Oh, I see. You’ve found something more permanent I’m assuming?”

Yusuf wasn’t exactly sure how to answer that. It was all too complicated when you put it all on paper. They had no reason to be together if it weren’t for their apparent immortality. What they had grown into — whatever one could call it — was almost irrelevant.

He simply gave a nod. One lie wouldn’t hurt. “Yes. He is.”

Pierus smiled. “Good for you, you seem somewhat happier. I could tell something was missing when we were having our fun.”

He shrugged. “It was fun. But yes, there was something missing.” He let it go unsaid that Nicolò had left him for a brief period. Whether Pierus figured that out for himself was something he was unsure of.

Pierus gave him a nod. “I will see you around town, of course. Have a good day, Yusuf.”

“You too.”

He went back to Nicolò’s side who he’d realised had been watching him although he didn’t make a comment.

They continued their shop in silence unless they were asking for the other’s opinion. He quickly noticed something was hovering over Nicolò’s mood, something he might not hear about until they got home if at all.

They walked home in silence. He realised he missed the sound of Nicolò’s voice quickly.

When they were home and the food was properly stored, Nicolò asked what he’d probably been desperate to ask.

“Who was that man?”

He shuffled in his place, not looking in Nicolò’s eye. “He and I copulated a few times. He was simply being friendly.”

Surprise crossed his face. “Oh. Sorry, I should’ve realised my presence would’ve prevented that happening more.”

“It’s fine. I don’t mind. We’d ended it long before you came back. And I had no attachments when you did return.” He gave a shrug to indicate finality.

He stared at him before nodding and looking away. “Right.”

A question was eating at his chest and it was out before he could seal his lips shut and throw the question into the back of his brain. “I’m sure you and Filipo copulated anyway.”

To his surprise, Nicolò met his eye. “Almost. We almost did.”

He shouldn’t be surprised. Nicolò was a grown man, if he’d wanted to have sex with someone then he was allowed to. They weren’t tied to each other, they were their own people. Nicolò could go out and pay for some company for all he cared.

He doubted he returned his feelings anyway.

“I don’t mind if you bring someone back. I could always spend the night at a tavern,” Nicolò said.

He considered giving him a shrug and ending the conversation. Instead, he spoke the honest truth. “It’s fine, Nicolò. I’m not interested in doing that right now.”

He stared at him for a few moments. His light eyes flickering with something he couldn’t quite place. “Neither am I.”

They stared at one another for a few moments. So much went unsaid in that moment and there was so much Yusuf could say. He wanted to pull the words out of his chest and tell him why he didn’t need anyone else.

He decided that would be for another time.

“I’m going to go check on the horses,” Nicolò said, breaking the tense silence. “I’ll see you soon.”

He nodded and watched him leave, wondering to himself if whatever was growing between them would be resolved and become the beautiful thing it was clearly meant to be.


Instead of going to the stable, Nicolò walked right to the nearby tavern.

He wasn’t sure why he’d lied. He doubted Yusuf would care. They didn’t have to always know exactly what the other was doing.

His mind kept going back to the crush he’d felt in his chest when he saw him talking to the man in the bazaar. He had guessed he’d probably had relations when he was in Antioch. He wasn’t sure why that ate at his chest so much. They hadn’t even so much as hugged before they’d parted.

Maybe he should’ve had let Filipo do whatever he’d liked to him. If he hadn’t spent the time thinking of Yusuf’s hands maybe it would’ve gone somewhere. It should’ve been easy, he’d had sex that meant nothing so many times. It was all he really knew. He could’ve had it so easily with Filipo where they didn’t mention it in the morning or kept doing it but never said anything about it. He’d heard Filipo bring people to his home so many times before. He was able to tune those out and fall asleep unbothered.

It was dawning on him that he wasn’t sure he could do that with Yusuf. That he’d been spending the past few months wanting to turn around on his arms, press him into the bed, and kiss him until it felt like he was dying. It had turned into an ache where he still wasn’t sure how to handle.

He could tell himself he only wanted him that why because they didn’t have anyone else and possibly wouldn’t have anyone else for as long as each other. That he and Yusuf wouldn’t lose each other and could have each other in that way for sheer convenience.

Except he knew deep down it wasn’t that. Deep down he wanted him in a way he had been telling himself for so long was only an imitation of the authentic thing.

He stood outside the tavern for a few moments. He watched people come and go. He could walk in and find someone quickly. He knew how that process went.

He didn’t feel a pull to go inside. The pull that there was was leading him right home and into Yusuf’s arms for more than sleep. He wanted to know fully what it was like to touch Yusuf’s body, for Yusuf to explore his own. To know the man in the most intimate ways possible.

He stuffed his hands into his pockets and made the short walk home. He passed some people but kept his eyes cast down.

He was a fool. He was certain of that. He was a fool and didn’t know how he felt for Yusuf. The old words from Giovanni remind him it hadn’t been love between them still plagued him. If there was any chance Yusuf felt something for him, maybe he’d accept the words had been false.

He had to believe the words, because his heart had been broken before and he didn’t want to experience it again. The words were the only thing that stopped his heart from shattering.

Whatever he’d felt for Giovanni was long gone. He’d been a child who still hadn’t known what he’d wanted. Even so many years on, he still wasn’t sure what he’d wanted.

When he returned home, Yusuf was sat at their table drawing on his pad. His face was pulled in concentration, his tongue poking out. He was in a state that nothing could pull him out of.

Except for, apparently, his return.

Yusuf looked up at him and he saw his eyes light up. “Oh, you’re back already!” He grinned as he said it. Not a question, just delight.

He nodded and sat across from him. “Yes. I, uh, I am.”

Yusuf looked at him and the smile on his face made his stomach go in absolute knots. He had to force himself to not lean over the table and press their lips together. To run his fingers through those ever so soft looking curls and hold his strong body in his.

They were in silence for a few moments. Yusuf set down his piece of charcoal. “I… I was thinking. That I had more to say before. More to ask.”

“What?” Nicolò asked with a slight frown. “What did you want to ask?”

“What did you mean when you said you and Filipo…almost copulated? Why didn’t you?”

He stared at him for a few moments. “He figured out I was thinking of someone else.”

Yusuf stared back at him. He thought of saying exactly what he meant but the look in Yusuf’s eyes almost struck a fear in him. Not because they were in anyway intimidating but because they were stirring up feelings deep inside of him.

He didn’t ask him who. But he knew the answer hung in the air.

Yusuf was still staring at him. For a second he thought he was going to lean over and kiss him himself. His brown eyes flickered to his lips and he bit his own lip.

Even though his mind was screaming, Nicolò stood up. “I should get a start on dinner,” he said, although it came out as a murmur.

He didn’t look back at Yusuf. He knew he was still staring at him but he didn’t say another word


Finding the words to say how he’d felt took Yusuf the better part of a month. He had been telling himself he’d had an eternity to find the right words, the perfect words even to tell him for the first time and simply hope his feeling were returned.

He’d spent that time writing it all down first. There were so many words to put together in so many different languages. He’d started it out in Arabic before changing to Greek for a while. Then he’d started to write in Zeneize because he still needed to improve his literacy in it. Then he started to write it in Latin because that was another language they had in common.

What he’d ended up with was a string of different languages forming sentences that wouldn’t make sense to most. The chaos of the words made about as much sense as his love for Nicolò.

He loved him beyond measure and reason. That was the only way he could make sense of falling in love with the Frank that he was meant to have killed. He had fallen in love with how he would cook for him and how he’d learned his language and how he would smile at children and having him in his arms as they would sleep.

It didn’t make sense but Yusuf knew love made little sense to begin with.

“What are you drawing?”

He looked up from his pad and towards Nicolò. It had been raining outside so his cloak was slightly damp as he pulled it off and tossed it with his own. His smile showed kindness that he was realising had always been there.

He smiled back at him. “Nothing important.”

He nodded and Yusuf’s eyes followed him as he went to pick up a tangerine from their pile of fruit. He watched him as he peeled it and pulled out a slice, popping it into his mouth. Some of the juice ran down his chin.

He must’ve felt him watching him as he looked in his direction. Yusuf ducked his head down and looked back down at the mess of words that only made sense to him.

Maybe the right words would come to him eventually. It would be easy to be direct with how he’d felt. Simple words of ‘I am in love with you’. But Nicolò deserved more than that, he deserved words that intricately described how he’d felt.

He’d grown up devouring poetry. He’d read all the texts he could get his hands on. He’d learned to read Greek by doing exactly that. He’d always been in awe of how words could string together sentences never created to describe feelings that had been felt so many times before yet new every single time.

The words were out there, he just had to find them. Although, part of him felt no words could perfectly describe Nicolò. He was his own kind of perfection that required words that didn’t exist.

“Yusuf?” Nicolò said gently.

He looked in his direction and saw he had another tangerine. His smile was so sweet and he thought of what it would feel like to have his lips quirked like that as they pressed against his own. “Want one?”

“Yes, thank you, Nico.”

There was always the lightest pink flush whenever he’d called him ‘Nico’. He liked seeing it and tried to not overuse the nickname simply because he knew the pink flush would disappear if he grew used to hearing it on his tongue.

He closed the pad and set it aside as he handed him the tangerine and their fingers brushed for the smallest moment. His fingers were so warm and smooth. He thought about what it’d be like to have them against his lips or in his mouth. He thought about licking the juice off of his other hand, gently wrapping his tongue around each digit and sucked them. He pictured the sounds he would make, small sweet moans maybe.

For now, he peeled his own tangerine and ate the pieces, Nicolò staying by his side.


After a long day of stocking shelves, Nicolò fell onto their bed ready to sleep it all off. It wasn’t even dark yet and his stomach was rumbling. Usually he’d eat first, he was the better cook between him and Yusuf after all.

He heard the sound of Yusuf’s laugh, a certain amount of affection in it. “You’re going to bed already?”

He rolled onto his back, staring up at the ceiling. “I need to rest for a few moments. My legs are aching.”

He heard him on the other side of the room. He turned his head to see him sitting at the window. He noticed how much he did that. He would pull out his pad and draw for hours. Sometimes he’d sit there at the perfect time of day and the sun would cast over him in the most beautiful way.

He couldn’t stop his smile as he watched him. He’d been more invested in his pad lately. He’d seen his charcoal gliding across the parchment and true to character, he’d conceal his latest work if he was anywhere near him.

He closed his eyes and drifted off, smiling at the sound of Yusuf’s soft hums.

When he woke up, he could smell meat. His eyes fluttered open and saw Yusuf setting bowls onto the table. He smiled at the smell of lamb.

He stood up and sat with Yusuf at the table. “You cooked?”

Yusuf gave a slight smile and what Nicolò could only describe as a bashful nod. “I tried to. Probably isn’t the best, I do hope you enjoy lamb.”

“I do very much. Thank you, Yusuf.” He gave a smile he hoped could covey exactly how grateful he was. He enjoyed cooking for Yusuf and it was nice to know he would even try to return that gesture.

They ate and they talked and they laughed. It was like that every night ever since he’d arrived in Aleppo. It was far from where they’d started just over two years ago and he really enjoyed that.

When they were both finished, Yusuf gave him a smile with soft eyes. “I actually wanted to tell you something, Nicolò.”

He wasn’t sure if he’d ever heard his tone so soft and gentle. He half expected him to take his hand in his.

He realised how much he wanted that.

“Yes, Yusuf?” he asked, his own tone trying to mimic his.

Yusuf’s eyes shifted into a way that showed the nerves bubbling to the surface.

“I’ve been doing my best to find the right way to say this. I love the poetry of words and what they can bring but sometimes they are difficult to put together them in a way that can fully express my thoughts or my emotions. But I will simply try.”

He stared back at him and it hit him that he knew what he was going to say. Part of him felt that he should stop him now before things got too deep.

“You are… so many things, Nicolò. You are by design many things I would have to take years to fully understand but I like that. Despite our rough beginnings, having you by my side while we try to understand what God has given us has been it’s own kind of blessing.”

He bit the inside of his cheek. Yes, he was definitely going to say it.

“Yusuf,” he said cutting him off as he opened his mouth, leaving the declaration only half finished. “I know what you are going to say and I must tell you; men like us aren’t made for that.”

The crushing look in Yusuf’s eyes made him instantly regret his words. He wished immediately he could suck those words back in and destroy them so Yusuf could finish telling him how he’d felt and wouldn’t look like he was in more pain than all those times he had killed him.

“You think men like us do not love?” Yusuf stared at him. The sheer disbelief on his face obvious.

He nodded despite himself. “The one time I thought I had felt the towards a man that was what he told me.”

A look of dawning reliasation crossed Yusuf’s face. “You’re afraid of being hurt, aren’t you?”

He didn’t say anything. He wasn’t sure how to answer. Giovanni had hurt him but it had been so much easier to pretend he’d hadn’t. He couldn’t have a broken heart if Giovanni never had it to begin with.

Yusuf’s eyes closed for a moment before he let out a long, shaky breath. “Nicolò, my dear sweet Nicolò, how I feel about you feels like it’s going to burst out of my chest from my heart. It’s not some imitation of love reserved between men and women. It’s true, it’s pure, it’s like a song of its own. You are like my own sun to give me warmth and you’re the stars that guide me home. What I feel for you is unmeasurable and whoever denied your love was beyond foolish, he lost a man who may as well been sculpted from the divine. You are inconceivable yet you stand before me in pure flesh. Nicolò, I love you in ways that I am only beginning to understand. I love you in ways that have yet to be written, with words yet to be created, words that I will have to find a way to write and will use the eternity granted to us to figure out. I love you, Nicolò, as much as a man can love anything.”

He hadn’t realised he’d started crying until tears dripped from his chin and onto the table. He had never heard such sweet words in his life. He had grown so accustomed to having nothing more than one night with a man who was easy to replace, simply a means to an end. Even Filipo never would’ve provided any sort of fulfillment. He would’ve just joined a sea of faces he’d forgotten after some time.

Yusuf wasn’t that, it was like something in his chest was pulling him towards him. Every single words was like a prayer. He wanted him to know exactly how he’d felt and Nicolò realised he wanted to give him the exact same thing.

Except he wasn’t great with words. He’d never be able to follow up the sheer poetry that Yusuf had given him. He didn’t have anything spectacular to quote.

So he decided to do what he knew he could do to show someone who he’d felt.

He took Yusuf’s hands into his own. He intertwined their fingers together and squeezed his hand. Brown eyes looked into his as he smiled at Yusuf.

“Like I said, I’m stubborn and foolish. And yes, I’ve been hurt before. I think that may be why I am the way I am sometimes. I will not be able to give the kinds of words you gave me but I can say this; I love you too Yusuf. As much as you have just shown me. The idea I can be in love is still new to me because the words of my first have haunted me for so long. But I think we can create something beautiful together. If you’ll have me.”

Yusuf pressed their foreheads together. “Nico, I will have you in any and every way possible.”

It was a simple tilt that allowed their lips to meet in a soft kiss. It was everything Nicolò had thought it would be and more. His beard was soft against his own, his lips tasted so sweet, his hands laid on his hips. He put his fingers into his curls and they were oh so soft.

They moved to their bed and that was a mess of hands and moans and sweet whispers in a mix of languages. As he toyed with Yusuf underneath his pants, Yusuf mumbled strings of sentences in Arabic between moans of pleasure. He was whispering “Nicolò, my life, my love, my stars and moon and sun, you are so gorgeous and incredible” while Nicolò could only respond by repeating Yusuf’s name over and over as pleasure ran down his spine. Yusuf’s hands were on his hips, almost guiding him.

“You’re so perfect, my love,” Yusuf mumbled from below him as Nicolò rocked his hips forward. “So perfect.”

He took Yusuf’s face into his hands and kissed him. He continued to rock his hips forward as he did and Yusuf’s moans sounded like music.

He’d thought for so many months in the back of his mind what it would be like to have Yusuf in his arms like this. He’d realised he couldn’t even imagine the pure joy and love their bodies could create together. They were inconceivable as a pair and they were only on the building blocks of what was ahead for them. He could listen to Yusuf sings his praises of love for years, centuries even. Maybe even millennia if they were granted that.

“You’re so beautiful, my heart,” Yusuf mumbled in his neck and left small nips on the sensitive skin.

“My love, my Yusuf,” he gasped out and collapsed onto his body as they both reached completion. Yusuf relaxed under him as their legs tangled together and Nicolò adjusted himself so his head was resting next to Yusuf’s.

They were quiet for a few moments, both of them breathing heavily.

Yusuf pulled his arms around his hips and pulled him closer so they were chest to chest. “I love you,” he whispered like it was a secret, words only for the two of them to hear.

“I love you too. Are you always this romantic during sex?”

The ways his eyes lit up made him feel like he fell in love with him all over again. “Only for you, my heart. My people are very big on poetry.”

He hummed, nuzzling into his neck. “Should I expect more poems in the future?”

“I already have some. Although you might not be able to make sense of it. I had trouble finding words worth describing you.”

“I can’t wait to hear them,” he kissed his jaw. “Read them to me later, promise?”

“Anything for you.” He pressed his lips to his head. “I’ve been spending the last few months writing them. I was planning to use one I memorised when I confessed to you but instead words spilled out of me to try and explain my feelings. I still think I haven’t sufficed.”

He ran his fingers lazily through his hair. “You have a long time to find the right words. I’m not rushing you.” He kissed him. “But what you said was truly wonderful.”

“I will spend the rest of my life searching for the right words. I will learn every language just to have the chance to tell you to full capacity, my heart.”

He smiled at him and kissed him again as sweetly as he could. He pulled away slightly before he could kiss back but remained close enough to feel the brush of his lips. “For now, you can show me.”

Yusuf smiled at him and Nicolò laughed as he moved to straddle his hips. “I can definitely do that. I’ll start with kissing every inch of you.”

Yusuf’s lips touch every part of him, as promised. He treated his body as if it was something precious. Nicolò giggled and laughed and moaned and sighed. He mumbled out Yusuf’s name and he hoped he understood the words there that he couldn’t quite get out.

You’re everything I’ve wanted and don’t deserve yet you want me like this. You want to love me like this and do. I don’t know how I was blessed with you in front of me despite everything that has happened between us. I have spent so long looking for this and avoiding it all at once. I don’t know what I have done to even deserve half the love you want to give me.

When Yusuf was hovering over him again and his eyes stared into his own, Nicolò realised he could have all of this man for the rest of his life.


Yusuf yawned as he woke up and reached out for Nicolò, only to be met with an empty space. He frowned and furrowed his brows.

He sat up and when his vision cleared he saw Nicolò setting a plate of fresh fruit at the table. He smiled and crawled out of bed, grabbing his discarded clothes on the floor.

Nicolò’s back was to him and hadn’t turned to say good morning yet. He tip toed over to him and wrapped his arms around him from behind. Nicolò laughed in his arms, covering his arms with his own, as Yusuf kissed his neck. He really wouldn’t tire of the taste of his skin.

“Morning,” he mumbled against his skin.

“Good morning. You definitely slept well.”

He yawned. “I’m a heavy sleeper, you should know that by now.”

Nicolò turned his arms so his back was now resting against the table. “I am. I like watching you sleep but I actually wanted to surprise you with breakfast in bed. Maybe feed you.”

His heart thumped in his chest. “Definitely would not mind that.”

With the plate of fruit, they returned to their bed. Nicolò prompted him to lay down on his back while he straddled his hips, holding onto the plate.

As he placed grapes into his mouth, Yusuf thought to himself how he’d been half worried yesterday had been nothing more than a dream. He was so starved for Nicolò’s touch for a moment, he’d been sure his mind was the only thing that could create something so perfect.

“I could spend everyday like this,” Yusuf said as Nicolò placed a mango into his mouth.

Nicolò smiled ever so sweetly at him. “That would be nice. I’ll do my best to make that happen.” He popped a slice of tangerine into his own mouth. He set aside the plate and bent down to kiss him.

They kissed lazily like that for a while. Things didn’t get heated, they kept it sweet. Although Yusuf’s mind raced as he tasted tangerine on his tongue. He had to stop himself from putting his tongue into his mouth and licking off the taste.

Nicolò pulled away with a smile. “As fun as this is, I still haven’t eaten.”

Yusuf laughed and nodded. They both sat up and put the bowl on where their knees pressed together, feeding each other the fruit, stealing kisses every so often.

When the plate was empty, the moved to sit on the window. Their legs tangled together as they lay out.

“How long do you think we should stay here in Aleppo?” Yusuf asked idly, rubbing his thumb against Nicolò’s ankle.

“I’m not sure. Where would we go next?”

“How long would it take to get to Rome?”

Nicolò made a face. “I’d rather we didn’t. We’d have to go through my homeland and I don’t want to risk someone recognising me. Someone who knows I’m supposed to be dead at least.”

A brief silence passed. “Do you think we should go back to see our families?”

He shrugged. “It’s been two years, I’m not sure. You’ve heard what’s happening in the Holy Land, so many people didn’t survive. If we are truly no longer aging, and I really do think we aren’t, we wouldn’t be able to stay with our families long without revealing ourselves. And if I am being completely honest with you, I doubt my family would take you in with open arms.”

Yusuf let out a long sigh. “Can’t say it’s any different back home for me. I would be accused of having the devil whisper in my ear if I even attempted to tell them what we share.”

His eyes casted down. “I will miss my family terribly though.”

He gave an empathetic nod. “As will I.”

They fell into a silence. Nicolò licked his lips and met his eye. “Whoever those women in our dreams are, I do hope we find them or they find us soon.”

“Why?”

“It must be some kind of destiny. I hope so at least. Maybe they know why we are the way we are. Maybe they’ll know how to lead us to our purpose.”

There was so much hope in his voice and for his sake, Yusuf hoped he was right.

“They looked to be heading our way. Maybe for now we should stay in place,” Yusuf said. “We have a home here, we have work. There’s no rush to go into anything and stray further from them by heading west.”

Nicolò nodded. “Maybe you’re right. I’m happy here.”

He smiled at Nicolò and squeezed his ankle. “I’m happy here too, happy with you.”

The look of pure elation on Nicolò’s face was one he told himself he’d make sure to bring for the rest of eternity.

Notes:

offscreen, Andy and Quynh giving the biggest sigh of relief that these idiots finally shut up and kissed

I really hope you enjoyed this! I worked on this for...about a month and a half and I'm happy with how this turned out. Thank you for reading to the end. Comments and kudos always appreciated!