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It's been 44 days since Kei captured Sato, hopefully forever. It's been 44 days and 3 hours since he walked this deserted hospital hallway, that seemingly echoes with his every footsteps. It's been 44 days, 3 hours, and 53 minutes since he'd last seen Kaito. It wasn’t like Kei was counting, he just happened to remember the exact date and time, and it was basic calculations from there.
Kei stopped in front of the door at the end of the hallway. His eyes flitted to the sign beside the door. 0716. Kaito. It read. Kei stared at the nameplate for what feel like a whole minute. Then, he looked down at the bouquet of colorful flowers in his hand. He clutched the flowers tighter in his hold, gave a perfunctory knock on the door, and turned the knob, stepping inside the room.
The smell of alcohol and disinfectant greeted him. It was clean and clinical, as a sterilized space should be. The space was a standard hospital room, not unlike the one Eriko was in. With a single bed in the middle, surrounded by machines that indicate the states of the patients' vitality.
But unlike the lively space Eriko made her room to be, with her ever present chatter, or the background sounds of tv shows she happened to be watching. All that greeted Kei was the stillness in the air. There was only the rhythmic sound of the clock ticking to accompany him.
He took light steps further inside the room, and stopped at the side of the bed. Kei set the bouquet of flowers on the bedside table, where it would withered away in a few days. Uselessly, when the person whom it was intended for wasn't exactly in a state to appreciate it. Kei didn’t see the point of bringing flowers, but his habit from visiting Eriko coupled with Nakano complaining that it’s ‘the thing to do’ made him stop by at a shop a few block away.
Kei breathed out a sigh, and pulled himself up, steeling himself before turning to look at the person occupying the lone bed in the room.
Kaito’s prone form lying on the bed greeted Kei. The hospital issued white blanket was pulled up to his chest, which were rising and falling with every breath. One of his arm was resting over the blanket where his stomach would be, the other lying at his side. If Kei didn’t know better, he would have thought Kai was simply asleep. But he did know better. And he wouldn’t elude himself with such hopeful thinking. He knew better. Kei knew that Kaito hadn’t woken up ever since the day Kei had saved him.
Kei studied Kaito’s face. He had always associated Kai with summer. Filled with carefree laughter and a smile that rivals the sun. The smell of sunscreen and the sight of sun-kissed skin from the endless days they spent under the summer sky when the only thing they had to worry about was getting back home before curfew.
The boy in front of him didn’t feel like that now.
Kaito’s pallid complexion overshadowed the tan skin, leaving none of the livelihood behind. Kei wasn’t sure if that was due to the hospitalization or the long sleeves juvenile uniforms that Kaito was forced to wear. He didn’t want to dwell on either topics.
Aside from the paleness of the skin, something else didn’t feel right to Kei. His eyes roamed over Kaito’s face searching for the missing piece. The only vibrant object caught his eyes. There, there it was. A bright yellow earring with an upside down smiley face stared back at him. Kei’s lips involuntarily pulled down, mirroring the expression. It didn’t feel right. He reached out to adjust the earring, turning it right side up, back to a smiley position like how it should be. Like how Kai’s expressions had always been.
“At least wear it right side up,” Kei whispered breaking the silence of the room. “Idiot,” he couldn’t help tagging on the last part.
The earring smiled back at Kei, but the owner’s expression remain still. It wouldn’t miraculously help breathe life back into the owner, Kei knew this, but a deeper part of him was still disappointed. Not that he would ever acknowledged it. Somehow, the now smiley face made the picture in front of him even more out of place. The poor imitation of Kaito’s bright smile seemed to be mocking Kei. He averted his eyes from the boy.
What was the etiquette for visiting a comatose patient? Was Kei supposed to sit and talk to him? What would that accomplished?
Still standing at the bedside, Kei looked around the room, searching for something to distract himself with. Crumpled white hospital sheet. A TV at the end of the bed, where he could just about make out his own reflection. A standard round white clock. Closed light cream curtain, that was just as dull as the other colorless items in the room. A vital sign monitor, displaying Kaito’s steady heartbeat. Back to the bed.
Kei had never been one to shy away from silence. He had always prefer it to needless chatters and inconsequential words. But the silence now was caging him. It crept into his skins. Crowded into his minds. Drowned out his own thoughts. It was heavy. It was suffocating. Kei crossed his arms and hunched his shoulders in a futile attempt to ward off the oppressive silence.
Kei looked at Kaito’s sleeping form and muttered out, “I got you pardoned from juvie. No records and everything,” dispersing the heavy atmosphere that took hold of the room.
“One of the privilege from saving the nation from Sato,” Kei continued, letting his voice distract him from the emotions bubbling inside him.
“So it’s a clean slate for you. Attend a college. Get back to normal life.” He didn’t think Kaito would ever live a normal life, but what else was there to say? “If you ever decided to wake up…” Kei trailed off, swallowing the lump that threatened to choke off his words.
Kei uncrossed his arms and shift his stance. “Why did you come after me?” He asked Kaito, not expecting an answer, and receiving none. Why was he still here, having a one-sided conversation with someone out of reach?
That’s what friends do. His mind supplied Kaito’s answer for him. He felt a familiar surge of guilt at the particular topic. Kei shoved it down, back to the recess of his mind.
“It wasn’t the best, but at least you were safe there,” Kei said. He stared at Kaito’s unconscious form, the steady rise and fall of his chest. His lips pulled down into a frown, and he bit down on his lower lips, trying to keep the tears at bay.
He looked up to Kaito’s face, at Kaito’s unmarred neck. Kei could still see the phantom image of the bullet wound, black and brownish-red against the pale skin of his neck.
“Why...” He swallowed, and took in a shaky breathy, “Why didn’t you listen!?” Kei demanded at Kaito.
His only answer was the sound of the clock forever ticking away.
Kei blinked away the blur from his eyes. He thought of Hirasawa then. Of Kuroki and Suzumura. How he had cried on that rainy day when he attempted to walk away from it all. How he had cried for the first time for someone else.
He dug his nails into his palms, diverting himself from the emotions that threatened to drown him.
“I came back. I came back for them,” Kei admitted. No matter how hard he tried to justify it otherwise, he had always known that the crew were his main reason for choosing not to run.
Kei thought of Hirasawa and the crews, and how helpless Kei had felt. Helpless from the situation. Helpless that he had tried his best. Helpless that he couldn’t save them.
And they were gone now, unlike the person in front of him. Kaito was right here, still breathing. Somehow, the black matter healed Kaito’s wounds, and Kei brought Kaito back to life.
“I saved you.. Then, why...” the words caught in his throat. why did he still feel helpless?
Kei couldn’t make out the person in front of him through the veil of tears in his eyes now. Still, he refused to admit that he was crying for someone whose heart was still beating.
He saw in his mind’s eyes. How Hirasawa had fought until the end. Fought until their last breath. They would never get a second chance to live, but they had lived until their very last breath.
Kei felt a searing surge of anger. Towards himself. Towards Kaito. All of his efforts. Wasted. What was the point in saving someone, if they didn’t even bother opening their eyes.
“What’s the point in breathing if you are not even alive. You absolute idiot!” Kei shouted at the person in front of him.
His voice echo in the thick air. It resonated in his ear in time with the heaving of his chest. Blood seeped out from the palm where he had dug his nails into. The physical pain was lost in the turmoil of his emotions.
Kei looked up unseeingly at the ceiling, trying to calm his breath. Tears he had been trying to keep in, spilled over his eyes, and tracked down his cheeks. He was crying again. He had lost track of times he had cried ever since that life altering day. Who would have thought finding out he’s an ajin would make him even more human?
Kei stood there, silently letting his tears fall. Whom they were for, he wasn’t really sure. When he shed his last tear, his last remaining drop of energy fell with it. Leaving him empty, leaving him hollow.
Kei lifted his hands to wipe away the tears track on his cheeks, and forced himself to look back down at Kaito. He hated that his memory of the summer Kaito were being replaced by the lifeless one before him.
Kei barely heard himself say, “At least... At the very least, let me save you properly.” He didn’t think his voice reached Kaito, but what did it matter?
With one last lingering look, Kei turned away so that he wouldn’t have to see the boy lying on the bed. He turned away just as Kaito’s finger twitched as if trying to grasp for something he couldn’t reach. Kei walked away from the bed just as Kaito’s vital monitor spiked up, indicating a change in the heart rate. Kei didn’t look back, all he wanted was to get out of that room. Get out of the oppressing atmosphere that occupied the air.
Kei closed the door with a resounding click. He squared his shoulder and took purposeful strides away from the room. The trip was as useless as he’d thought it would be. Really, there was no point in visiting someone already dead to the world.