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Cheryl stepped into the hospital room. Cold, white, too bright. She pressed the flowers to her heart and took a deep breath. She was standing on the edge of a cliff, and any mistep would lead her to the depth of a push and pull game of waves and water and shadows. Any mistake would lead her back to the fight she was having each night on the loneliness of her room, under the dim light of the street filtrating through her window... She held back a cry and hushed down the growing need to break into tears, just like she'd hushed an old dog. The dark urges had been there for too long, she knew them by heart. They were an old friend by now and she could do nothing else than longing for the pain to go away.
"Hey, Serra..." she could feel her voice shatter. Way too fast. "It's me..."
Oh Yoba, how could she do this? Her eyes were desperately set on the window on the other side of the room, avoiding the bed at all cost. She knew what she'd find there. A little sister, face covered in bruises, body wrapped up in bandages, skin too pale and trembling lips. She knew the nightmares rushing through Serra's mind since the incident. The nurses had told her everything about the faint consciousness she could reach sometimes, and how the harshness of reality would lead her back to sleep. She knew it all too well. The will to let everything fade to black, to dive deep into nothingness, she had experienced it all. Only she couldn't just go to sleep like her sister. Too many things were depending on her. A shiver went down her spine at the thought of everything she'd give to fall asleep and ignore the rest of the world. Altough, it came at a price. Even from where she stood, she could sense how her sister's fingers were clutching the bedsheets like that would get her out of hell. Come on, Cheryl, you need to stand by her side. You're all she's got left. The thought didn't make it any easier and it certainly wasn't helping her legs to keep her up. Her whole body was shaking and she might as well just collapse on the ground seeing how weak she had grown. The red haired woman slid into the seat pulled next to the bed. She set the flowers under her sister's nose, hoping she'd find in it the strenght to come back, the hope that this world wasn't so bad after all... If it could still gift them with flowers, with renewing, with birth... Maybe that was enough to hold on? It would never do the trick for the raging tiger inside Cheryl's chest, but maybe her little bird would give it a shot. It was worth the try. A bit unsteady, she gathered up her courage and let out a weak monologue.
"I'm so... so sorry I didn't come sooner." knotted throat, hoarse voice, everything she'd expected. "I was busy... taking care of everything. Ma's getting burried tomorrow and... I wish you could've been there, you know. They wouldn't delay it for you, but we'll go and see her as soon as you wake up... I promise."
A tear rolled down her cheek as she pictured Serra finding out about their mom, about that cold stone waiting for her somewhere unfamiliar, about those warm arms never holding her again. The walls she had build up for this moment held still, ready to support a little girl through the loss, but never strong enough to keep the storm away from Cheryl. She could endure anything for Serra, nothing for herself. Her hand moved swiflty to her sister's face to brush against her chin, her cheeks, her forehead... How bad she needed her back on her feet, how bad she needed to care for this little bird. With Serra asleep, Cheryl couldn't give herself up for anyone. She had no one to care for enough to forget about herself, no one to take her mind hostage day and night, no one to keep safer than she'd ever be herself. She sighed to push out of her lungs the dreading sadness.
"I... I know I promised a lot of things, Serra, and I know most of it won't ever happen now... But I promise you this, I will take you to Ma as many times as you need. I will be there for you. I... Pa' is not in a good place right now, so it's gonna be just you and me, okay? I know we can do it, together."
Her hand trailed down to her sister's and she held it dear. She knew she'd have to let go, but right now it seemed impossible, so she stayed that way, with her forehead on the bed and her hand warm against Serra's. She couldn't tell how many time had passed when a nurse stepped in.
"Miss?" Cheryl straightened back in a slow motion before she even aknowledged the nurse's presence with a deadly glare. "Visiting hours are over. Could you please come back tomorrow?"
She squeezed Serra's hand, still hoping for a sign that she would come back to her. She felt her throat fill up with sobs. What would happen when Serra would wake up? The older sister was prepared to tell her everything about their mom, but was it for the best? Wasn't her little bird better off in the darkness, where at least she could still hope to come home to a loving family? Cheryl had been awake to see the quick transition, but Serra would barge in with nothing to prepare her to the devastating sight of their father and of the empty study.
"I..." Cheryl held back another cry. "I just..."
What? She shut her eyes closed.
"Please... I just need this one moment. This last one." Tears came flooding down her face.
She needed this so deeply. To just hold her sister's hand without her knowing anything of what awaited her outside this room. To hold on to the hope that it was still just a bad dream. To please, please stay just a bit longer in the denial of everything that happened in the last few days. Maybe then she could find the strenght to fight off every dark cloud coming their way. Maybe then she could finally... get some peace. Find her safe place.
"Miss, I'm sorry..."
A little snort. Ah, how naive could she be?
There were no safe place for her.