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“You know what I’ve always wanted to do?” Chidi asks. It’s a familiar question, one posed hundreds of times in the Good Place and something Eleanor is used to hearing from Chidi as well as everyone else. What comes next, however, isn’t something she ever expected. “I want to play D&D but actually be the characters, you know?”
Eleanor stares at him for a moment, struggling to parse exactly what that means. “You want to LARP ?” she finally asks, not sure she’s willing to give that a shot even to make Chidi happy.
Chidi shakes his head. “No, not exactly. I want to...enter whatever world we’re playing in and actually be the characters, not just…”
“Dress in funny clothes and hit people with PVC?”
“Exactly.”
Eleanor shrugs. “Okay, that doesn’t sound so bad.”
Chidi grins and gives her a quick hug. “You talk to the others and I’ll work out logistics with Janet.”
He’s gone before Eleanor can ask exactly what he means, but she supposes it’s fairly obvious. You can’t really roleplay with two people. Well. You can. But that’s a different kind of roleplay and she hasn’t ruled that out for later – there’s a very nice mailman outfit that’s tight on Chidi in all the right places. For now, though, she heaves a sigh and heads off to find Tahani and Jason. And maybe scrounge up a few other residents to keep things interesting.
**
J anet reads all the editions of the D&D Players Handbook, Dungeon Masters Guide, and Monster Manual as soon as Chidi asks if she’ll DM their session a nd when he asks if there’s a way for them to actually experience the game and not just sit around a table rolling dice all she says is “This is the Good Place” which, really, he should have expected at this point.
**
T hey start out sitting around a table with dice.
Chidi and Eleanor are on one side, Jason and Tahani are on the other, and Janet and Michael sit at either end. Janet has a DM screen set up in front of her, though Chidi isn’t really sure she’ll need it. Perhaps she just wants the experience.
“Does everyone have a character?” Janet asks. Chidi held a character creation session the day before and Janet made an array of characters for anyone who didn’t want to make their own. When everyone has nodded or said yes, Janet picks up a few dice and shakes them in her palm. “Here’s how this will work. I will roll the dice to choose the environment at which point the Good Place will create the immersive experience. Technically you will still be at this table, but you will experience the world of the game as though it is real.”
“Will we be safe?” Tahani asks, leaning forward with her elbows on the table. Being hurt in the Good Place is strange – if you want to, you can feel pain, but otherwise there’s just a sort of pressure in the place where the injury would be.
“You will be perfectly safe,” Janet assure them. “The pain and injury settings are at their lowest. Also,” she adds as the dice clatter to the table and the room begins to dissolve, “you’re going to look like your characters.”
“Oh, homie, this is awesome!” Jason says, clapping a hand down on Chidi’s shoulder. Chidi jumps, not because it hurts but because Jason is now an eight foot tall, green monster with huge tusks and a hefty, spiked club in his other hand. They’re not at the table anymore, they’re in a clearing in a dense forest. Chidi glances around at everyone. Janet is gone, Eleanore is significantly shorter and wearing significantly less, a lute slung across her back, Tahani looks about the same except for the point to her ears, and Michael looks like he’s wearing a muscle suit under his leather armor. Chidi glances down at himself, and is glad to see he also doesn’t seem to have changed much.
“Are you ready?” Janet’s voice asks from everywhere.
“Yes?” Eleanor says, tentative, still distracted by the shortness of her leather skirt.
“Please roll perception,” Janet says.
Chidi’s about to ask how when a number appears before his face, glowing faintly. “Uh, twenty six?” he says, glancing around at the others who also have glowing numbers in front of them. Theirs are mostly lower with only Jason’s roll anywhere near twenty. A moment later, Chidi hears something crashing through the underbrush.
“Oh, man!” Jason says and Chidi knows he hears it, too.
Chidi readies his bow and nocks an arrow. “Something’s coming,” he says and a moment later a huge boar barrels into the clearing. It roars, the sound loud enough to shake the trees, and Chidi looses his arrow.
“Chidi, roll your attack,” Janet’s voice says.
The scene seems to pause, the arrow hanging in the air as the numbers appear before him. He holds his breath, worried as it seems like the die is going to come up on one. The number settles at twelve and Chidi waits as the arrow resumes flight. Twelve could go either way, he knows, and he’s hoping the fact that the boar doesn’t seem to have any kind of armored hide means he’ll have beat its armor class.
When the arrow sinks into the boar’s side, Chidi finally let’s out the breath he’d been holding. It takes another arrow and Jason taking a few hits before the boar collapses, but no one gets gored so Chidi counts that as a win.
“What do we do now?” Eleanor asks.
“We should probably collect some meat in case we’re not near a town,” Chidi says.
“Roll survival,” Janet’s voice says. All of them wait while their numbers roll and then Janet says, “Eleanor, you may collect meat from the boar, if you want.”
Eleanor glances at Chidi and he nods. She kneels down, pulls a dagger from her hip, and starts cutting at the boar’s flank. “This is less gross than I expected,” she says.
Behind Eleanor , Chidi sees that Michael is craning his neck and looking around, searching for whatever’s coming next. He glances at Tahani and Jason. Jason’s taken up a defensive posture, facing the direction the boar came from, and Tahani is flipping through a book Chidi assumes has her prepared spells in it. Chidi slips another arrow from his quiver and nocks it, flicking his gaze around at the trees surrounding them. Janet didn’t give them any idea of what to expect and while Chidi knows they’ll be safe, he can’t help but feel like they’re really in this forest and must be prepared for whatever is going to come.
And he loves it.
“Hey, Chidi?” Eleanor says and Chidi looks down at her. She’s holding a rolled up piece of paper. “This was...inside the boar,” she says.
Chidi cocks an eyebrow and kneels down beside her as she unrolls the paper. Her brow furrows and then she hands it to him. He takes it carefully – it’s covered in boar gore – and scans his eyes across the unintelligible script. He gnaws at his lip. “ Jason,” he calls, waving Jason over. “This is in Orcish, can you read it?”
Jason takes the scroll and skims the words. “It says this boar was the king of Alluthia and thanks us for helping complete the takeover by...Kether?”
“Must be a neighboring kingdom,” Chidi says as he stands back up. “We should probably go check it out.”
“What about this?” Eleanor asks, gesturing to the meat she’d collected. “I’m not sure I feel comfortable eating it now…”
“I second that,” Tahani says, looking down at the boar with an expression that’s a strange mix of pity and disgust. “It’d be too much like eating a person.”
Chidi nods. “I think we have enough rations to get to Alluthia. If anyone wants the boar meat, they’ll have to carry it themselves.” He looks at Michael who shakes his head and then at Jason who shrugs and scoops up the harvested meat, tucking it away into his pack. Somehow, Chidi isn’t surprised.
“Here, homie,” Jason says, holding out the paper. “Someone else should probably hang onto this.”
Chidi takes it and adds it to his own pack, then readies his bow again and looks around at the group. “Are we ready?” he asks.
He waits until everyone has said yes before setting off into the forest.
**
“How much farther?” Eleanor asks as they tromp through the forest.
“It can’t be very much,” Tahani says as a number appears before her. “The boar could only have kept up that pace for a short amount of time.”
"I have another question," Eleanore announces. "Why hasn't Michael said anything?"
Chidi stops short and turns to look at Michael as the rest of the group all hurry to stop behind him. "She has a point," he says. "You usually have a lot of ideas."
Michael shrugs and looks around as though expecting someone to be eavesdropping. Then he opens his mouth and shows everyone that he doesn't have a tongue.
"Oh ew," Eleanore says.
"Oh homie that is not cool!" Jason says, sort of pulling back a little bit.
"Wait. Did you make this character or was it one of Janet's pregens?" Chidi asks, not that it really makes that big of a difference.
Michael points up and the world seems to come to a still. There is no birdsong, the trees don't move in the wind, and Janet's voice surrounds them. "Michael is a human Barbarian who had his tongue removed as punishment for insulting the ruler of a kingdom he was passing through. If he completes a certain number of quests in a certain number of years, he will be given back his tongue. Michael, you get one point of inspiration for finding a way to communicate, Chidi you lose one point of inspiration for asking out of game questions."
"People ask out of game questions all the time in D&D," Chidi says, glaring up at the sky.
"You've lost another point of inspiration," Janet says, then the trees begin rustling again and the bird song fills the air and Chidi feels a little frustrated that he can't ask mechanic questions, but he supposes if he wants to be immersed in the world then that would be a factor. He didn't consider that when he'd first come up with the idea, but asking questions about game mechanics and anything out of character or out of game would shatter the illusion he wanted to build.
So he just gives a nod and gestures that they should continue, ignoring Eleanor's look, though he knows she's wondering if he's okay. He meets her gaze and forces a quick smile and nods at her as they continue on towards whatever awaits them at the kingdom the boar came from.
--
It's pretty obvious when they reach Alluthia. The signpost that welcomes them to the city has been painted red with blood, the liquid still wet and dripping, and a head impaled on a pike rests beside it. A gag catches in Chidi's throat and he swallows it down, fighting against rising bile. Beside him, Tahani doesn't even try to keep her own gorge down and she walks primly into the trees where they can hear her throwing up.
Eleanor comes up beside Chidi, eyeing the sign. "Well that can't be good," she says.
"I'm just wondering why there isn't a guard here," Chidi answers.
As if in response, an arrow flies out from the trees opposite where Tahani is and strikes a tree beside Chidi. He whips an arrow from his quiver and is already aiming into the trees when Jason barrels into them with a roar that's much louder than they probably want to be. Michael follows and after a struggle and the flashes of light that mean dice are being rolled, Michael emerges with a woozy-looking Jason on one arm and an unconscious gnome slung over his other shoulder. He steps forward and drops the gnome at Chidi's feet.
Tahani returns from the trees, though she looks a little green and her face goes even paler when she sees the arrow that could very easily have killed her.
"Is anyone a healer?" Chidi asks, mentally flicking through spells and cantrips.
"I have...lay on hands?" Tahani says. Chidi gestures at the creature at their feet and she kneels down.
"Wait," Chidi says, realizing almost too late that there's another step they need to take. He pulls rope from his pack and ties up the gnome. "Jason, Michael, keep your weapons drawn."
Michael holds up his fists and Chidi nods. "If those are your weapons," he says. Then he gestures for Tahani to go ahead.
With a whispered word, she sets her hands on the gnome and a faint gold light envelopes the creature, then he sits up and glares around at them. "You shall all perish at the hands of The Immortal One."
"Well that can't be good," Eleanor says. "How are we supposed to defeat something immortal?"
The gnome grins. "You can't!" he crows. "So you will fall at his feet and suffer great pain and agony and he shall strip you of your life and your last breaths shall be spent begging for mercy that will never be granted."
Michael brought his fist down on the gnome's head and his eyes rolled up in his head and he fell back.
"You have defeated the gnome," Janet's voice says.
"Great," Chidi says, looking up at Michael. "I wanted to question him first," he says. Michael shrugs and points at his own mouth and Chidi sighs, standing up. "I know he was annoying, but he might have had some information about what we're walking into."
"Like this?" Tahani asks, standing as well and holding out a rolled up scrap of paper. "I think this one's in Orcish, too."
Jason takes the paper and unfurls it. "It says ‘Hold the perimeter, enemies are coming'."
"Well. It doesn't tell us a lot...," Eleanor says. She picks at the strings on her instrument and starts to play a tune, almost on automatic. The melody settles a calming affect over the group and Chidi shoots her a smile as he realizes what she's doing.
"What are we going to do?" Tahani asks. "I'm sure they have a trap prepared in case we do get through.
Chidi considers, weighing a few options, then gives a sharp nod and meets each of their gazes. "I vote we spring the trap," he says. "It's one of the last things they'll expect and it may give us just enough of an upper hand."
"But isn't walking into a trap a bad idea?" Jason asks.
"Usually, but knowing it's a trap can give us some small advantage."
"I don't like this," Eleanor says. She steps back a little, her melody changing and the mood shifting from one of calm to one of panic.
"It'll be fine," Chidi says, laying a hand on her shoulder. "I promise."
"Can you promise that?" Tahani asks. "We have no idea what's waiting for us in there and honestly our best bet is probably to go and find someone more qualified to handle this."
"We're adventurers in a roleplaying game," Chidi says, "we are the most qualified to handle this."
Tahani nods. "I was afraid you were going to say that." She pulls in a breath. "All right. If there's nothing else we can do, then let's do it."
"What if we took out all the guards and then went in?" Eleanor asks, her melody still charged with panic and anxiety.
Chidi shakes his head. "The longer we take, the more likely they'll notice us and we'll lose any chance at an upper hand. We either have to go in or lure them out, and while I hate our chances going in, if we lure them out they'll be able to prepare for us better."
"Fine," Eleanor says. She stops playing and the mood evens out to where they were before she began. "Let's do this, then."
--
The city is ravaged and war-torn. Bodies litter the streets and blood paints walls and roadways. Chidi swallows hard as he leads them along, stepping over and around the dead and the detritus. What did this? It had to have been a massive army, he thinks.
Or.
Or someone with terrifying magic.
He'd almost forgotten what kind of world they're in. Almost forgotten that terrifying feats of magic are a possibility here. It isn't just lay on hands or night-vision, but eldritch blast to rip a body apart or psychic attacks that will leave the victim shattered from the inside out.
Chidi shudders.
"You okay?" Eleanor asks. She's whispering, but it still feels like it echoes through the street and Chidi has to fight not to flinch at the sound.
He's scared he made the wrong choice, that any moment now their enemy will swoop down and destroy them and while he knows none of this is real, it feels real and that's enough.
"I"m fine," he says. "Just. Trying to figure out what caused this."
"I can't believe only one person is responsible," Tahani says, looking around. "I'm sure there are spells that will cause this much destruction, but it seems so impossible for one being to do so much on their own."
"Then maybe they didn't," Eleanor says. "Maybe it's a team?"
"Is that better or worse?" Jason asks and it's a good question. Is it better that they face off against one supremely powerful enemy or many less powerful ones? Chidi has no idea, so he doesn't answer.
Besides, it's probably better if they don't talk so much, even if it means getting stuck in his own thoughts and fears and worries and-
"Ah, you came!" the voice booms around them and it's so familiar it draws Chidi up short. He stares ahead at what looks to be a town square to see a raised dais with what would be an ornate throne perched atop, if that throne weren't moldy a dilapidated and disgusting. Sitting on the decaying throne is none other than Trevor.
"What the hell?" Eleanor says. Chidi readies his bow, aiming at the...is he still a demon? Is he even here? Did Janet have the enemy manifest as Trevor because she knew they would be wary of him?
"You'd think you'd learn by now," Trevor says, leaning back in his throne and steepling his fingers. "Don't you know you're never going to get out of here?"
"Are you implying we're still in the Bad Place?" Tahani asks.
Trevor laughs. "Of course you're still in the Bad Place!" he says. "Where else would you be able to LARP?"
"He's lying," Eleanor says. She's plucking at the strings on her lute but she isn't actually playing anything yet and there's an uncertainty in her voice Chidi doesn't like.
"He has to be lying," Chidi says, hoping he sounds more certain than he feels. Because Trevor has to be lying. They made it to the Good Place and they fixed the afterlife system and this is just a simulation Janet created at his request which means even if this isn't real it is his fault and-
He grits his teeth against his spiraling thoughts and steadies his aim on Trevor. "Why did you turn that king into a boar?" he asks.
Trevor shrugs. "So you'd kill him," he says.
"What do you want?" Tahani asks.
Trevor grins and stands, striding slowly towards them. "Your souls," he says.
"Roll initiative," Janet's voice booms through the clouds and the sparkling dice numbers appear before them and the battle begins.
Chidi looses his arrow and it strikes Trevor in the shoulder but it doesn't slow him. Trevor lobs a fireball at them and Eleanor and Michael get a little scorched as they all dive out of the way. Jason runs forward with a roar and just misses Trevor with his hammer as Tahani sends a bolt of energy at the demon, sending him stumbling backwards. Michael surges up from his prone position and runs to Trevor, scooping him up and then slamming him down into the ground.
Chidi knocks another arrow and strides forward, aiming at Trevor's head.
"Should we kill him?" Eleanor asks. She's playing a tune now, upbeat and strangely chipper, and it seems to be holding Trevor in place.
Chidi looks down at Trevor. "Give me one good reason to let you live."
Trevor coughs. "You're in the Good Place?" he asks.
Chidi shrugs and looses his arrow, the shaft embedding itself in Trevor's forehead. His eyes flutter closed and as Eleanor and Jason cheer, the city fades around them and they're back around a table.
"Why Trevor?" Chidi asks as they reacclimate to being themselves.
"I thought it might be therapeutic," Janet replies. "Did you enjoy your session?"
Chidi smiles. "I did, thank you so much." He looks at the others. "What about you guys?"
"When can we play again, homie?" Jason asks, grinning. Eleanor is shaking her head but she's smiling, too, and Tahani and Michael are discussing some finer points of world building.
Chidi slips his hand into Eleanor's under the table and gives it a squeeze.
Whether they play again or not, there's no other team he'd want at his back.