Chapter Text
hyuka: need a snack
hyuka: any suggestions
yeonjun: i got some caramel melts
hyuka: omg u senior citizen
hyuka: im actually laughing like why are you my grandmother
yeonjun: girl pls i am
yeonjun: LITERALLY 24
hyuka: 92? wow time flies
yeonjun: im going to tie bricks to your ankles and push u into the han river
hyuka: and u’ll still be old as shit
yeonjun: omfg
beomgyu: i have jelly candy
beomgyu: if u want some kai
soobin: i aint got shit but i have like
soobin: *counts coins*
soobin: i culd probably buy you a snow cone or something idk
taehyun: love how kai is like im hungry n yall jump to action to feed him like
taehyun: maknae privileges
taehyun: omg i was talking to some rando staff member at mubank or smth n they were like o yeah hueningkai is ur maknae right? what year r u N i said we were born in the same year n this
taehyun: this absolute [redacted]
beomgyu: ooo
taehyun: said ‘oh so you’re like a back up maknae’
taehyun: n at first i was like ok thats not like mean or anything so i was like yh i guess
taehyun: n they go ‘discount maknae’
taehyun: WHEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
yeonjun: LMFAOOOOOOOOO
yeonjun: DISCOUNT MAKNAE?
beomgyu: TAEHYUN U POOR THINGNGGJ
beomgyu: BUT ITS SO FUNNY
taehyun: omg i literally cant tell u guys anything
yeonjun: STOPPP im sorry did we offended u
taehyun: soobin hyung just posted ‘taehyun discount maknae’ on weverse
taehyun: asshole
soobin: it was so funny
taehyun: stfu
taehyun: im posting that pic of u
soobin: wait
soobin: u mean the one during lunch
taehyun: yeah jackass
soobin: omg no
soobin: im going to get meme’d
taehyun: good
yeonjun: what picture is that
taehyun has sent an image
beomgyu: NOOOOOOOOO
beomgyu: WY DO U LOOK SO SAD
yeonjun: soobinie u dont even look sad u look depressed as hell omg
yeonjun: just eating ur sandwich
yeonjun: TAEYYFYN
yeonjun: HE CAPTIONED IT ‘soobin mouse moment’
soobin: MOUSE MOMENT?
soobin: THATS A DEAD MEME
taehyun: idc
taehyun: moa will think its funny
beomgyu: WHY ARE U ALONE
soobin: i didnt want to talk to people that day
beomgyu: omg why were u ok
soobin: yeah i just dont like people
beomgyu: ahem
soobin: not u daddy
yeonjun: LEAVEEEEE
beomgyu: thank u kitten
yeonjun: PUSHES U BOTH OUT OF A WINDOW
beomgyu: the defenestration of soogyu
beomgyu: wheres taehyun
soobin: and kai
soobin: omg omg no please guys im watching anime rn please dont make us leave
soobin: i think we need to start having like a weekly cap on how often u can apple ur way out of a situation
soobin: like five or smth bc MULTIPLE TIMES A DAY IS JUST EXCESSIVE AND MEAN
beomgyu: check pm
soobin: ok
beomie (daddy?): hyung u say that like i’m not in your guts every morning and night omg the hypocrisy
soob (kitten?): OMG
soob (kitten?): i know how to be quiet 🙄
beomie (daddy?): u quite literally dont
beomie (daddy?): in defense of tyunning at least they apple us, we always forget
soob (kitten?): i hate u i’m never letting you have sex with me again
beomie (daddy?): thats literally a lie
soob (kitten?): yeah it is
soobin: i recant my statement about tyunning
soobin: however i havent received an apple yet so maybe i was ahead of myself
yeonjun: yeah cus i dont hear anything
soobin: honestly pretty rude of me to always assume theyre having sex if they arent in the gc
beomgyu: kai barely responds to us most of the time like maybe they just dont like us
beomgyu: one time before they were dating (idk if shit was going on tho) and i was like damn kai fr never texts back and yj hyung was like omg i know i texted him an hour ago and taehyun texted kai n he literally responded in seconds like
beomgyu: i remember at that exact moment thinking ‘they would be a cute couple’
soobin: omg
soobin: one time i found them wrestling (also pre established tyunning) and taehyun was just straddling kai, they were just staring at each other, like it was so queer i couldnt fathom it
soobin: and i said ‘hey whatcha doing?’ and they FLEW apart
yeonjun: tyunning are so cute and so precious to me i cannot wait for them to be married or some shit but oh my god do they piss me off
yeonjun: pre est tyunning one time i had to share a shower with taehyun bc we were so late and kai thot it would be funny to barge in and ig he didnt know i was there too bc he didn’t even go ‘omfg!!! whoops i didnt know anyone was in here!!!’ like we normally do
yeonjun: he just went ‘taehyun is that yeonjun hyung?’ like why did bro sound so wronged
yeonjun: come to think of it this was probably during their nonsense era
taehyun: ap
yeonjun: oh jesus christ not again
taehyun: imsory APLE IM SORRY OKAY
soobin: jesus christ
soobin: i take it back
soobin: omg do i miss when they didnt have sex
hyuka: guys found a snack im good
hyuka: apple btw
beomgyu: JESUS CHRIST
beomgyu: gen question
beomgyu: how many fluids do they drink a day bc like girl i would be so tired
soobin: u just see taehyun crawl out of their room and into the kitchen n grab a case of gatorade
soobin: what i want to know tho
soobin: is it more kai or taehyun
yeonjun: i think its a mix of both
yeonjun: honestly
beomgyu: but kai is such a prevert
beomgyu: i used to follow his tumblr ok
soobin: omg true i forgot about that
soobin: yeah its probably kai
yeonjun: well idk
yeonjun: the wrestling thing from awhile ago
yeonjun: fully taehyun
beomgyu: true
beomgyu: didnt he bite kais left ass cheek
yeonjun: yes he did
beomgyu: controversial take
beomgyu: yk whenever kais like stop slapping my ass and taehyun is like stop having a fat ass
beomgyu: i agree with taehyun
yeonjun: ayo
beomgyu: NO LIKE
beomgyu: me @ soobin
soobin: when have i ever told you to not slap my ass
soobin: its my favorite part
yeonjun: oh wow
yeonjun: nice information dump
beomgyu: not as nice as soobins dump truck ass
soobin: IM SERIOUS OK
soobin: if anything i ask for it more than beomgyu actually does it
beomgyu: i prefer to pull your hair
beomgyu: but i do slap your ass wdym
beomgyu: OFTEN!
soobin: pull my hair during head but slap my ass when we have sex
soobin: is this not a good compromise
soobin: and you can still choke me if you want
yeonjun: yall aint got a pm
soobin: stfu youre enjoying this
yeonjun: AYO?
yeonjun: WOULD TYUNNING?
beomgyu: the way you dont deny liking hearing about our sex life is very telling
yeonjun: .
soobin: your silence speaks volumes
yeonjun: im going to go buy a bts meal
beomgyu: didnt they stop selling those
yeonjun: jesus christ i seriously cant have shit
yeonjun hyungie: ik ur in the middle of being defiled by kai but when ur done whew
yeonjun hyungie: check gc and CONSOLE ME???????????
yeonjun hyungie: me when i go to sleep tonight and i remember soobin says he likes getting his ass slapped
yeonjun hyungie: me when i go to sleep tonight and i remember soobin says he likes getting choked
yeonjun hyungie: me when i go to sleep tonight and i remember BEOMGYU PULLS HAIRRRR OH MY GOD????????//
yeonjun hyungie: is this a safe space
yeonjun hyungie: …
yeonjun hyungie: ik i said im trying to get over myself but dawg
yeonjun hyungie: idk who im jealous of 😭 im so serious
yeonjun hyungie: like do i want to be soobins top or do i want to be beomgyus bottom omg
yeonjun hyungie: who said thatttt
taehyun: sounds like u are in a pickle
yeonjun hyungie: taehyun help
yeonjun hyungie: im dying squirtle
taehyun: im only answering u rn bc my phone kept going off im so sorry
yeonjun hyungie: is
yeonjun hyungie: be serious
taehyun: i am im sorry im
taehyun: preoccupied
taehyun: i needto go
yeonjun hyungie: well ik that when i started msging u so carry on and talk to me when ur done
yeonjun hyungie: wait a fucking second is kai actively fucking you right now
taehyun: goodbyeeeeeeeeeeee 🏃💨
yeonjun hyungie: if someone told me march 3rd 2019 that the boy band im debuting with the next day would eventually become me thirsting after my two members who are fucking each other and the other two members are my best friend who constantly being bred by his boyfriend
yeonjun hyungie: i would have walked awayyyyyy
yeonjun hyungie: 🚬
yeonjun hyungie: well i guess im going to go yerk it to what soobin and beomgyu sent me and then cry idk
taehyun: hyung this is just as awkward for me as it is for you PLEASE STOP TEXTING MEEE
yeonjun hyungie: DO NOT DISTURB EXISTS TAEHYUN
hyuka: its so funny to me that the gc goes completely dead as soon as taehyun and i have sex
soobin: wdym dead the three of us talked for like 5 minutes
soobin: we exist outside of u
hyuka: no
soobin: damn
soobin: i hope taehyun bites your right cheek
taehyun: already done dawg
taehyun: licks lips
hyuka: im quite sore :(
taehyun: dont wanna hear u say shit abt being sore when u know damn well i cant go to dance rehearsal tmrw
beomgyu: fr?
taehyun: fr
beomgyu: slut
soobin: wtf is kais ‘im quite sore’ like whats next ur gonna go pip pip cheerio spot of tea innit
soobin: god save the queen or whatever
beomgyu: i believe its the king now isnt it
soobin: i will never respect a man who treated diana the way he did
soobin: he has cancer now omg deserved
soobin: i didnt say that
taehyun: oh slay hyung
soobin: sometimes i watch princess diana tiktoks and then i cry bc shes dead
hyuka: like 30 years ago
hyuka: wait
hyuka: hyung she died like 3 years before u were even born
soobin: i have a lot of feelings
hyuka: and yet we were all surprised when we found out ur a bottom
soobin: tops are people too
hyuka: no we’re not
hyuka: im too sexy to cry
taehyun: remember when we were watching frozen 2 and u started bawling when the parents died
taehyun: like we werent even dating yet & had atp only kissed once so i was like
taehyun: on the otherside of the room cloping with my internalized homophobia
taehyun: n then all of a sudden i hear kai just SNIFFLES
taehyun: he literally left the room like man let me comfort you omg
beomgyu: in kais defense i personally think that disney movies shouldnt count
taehyun: someone else entirely could suggest that i want to break up with kai and he would tear up
hyuka: unfortunately im in love with you
taehyun: hehe
taehyun: yeah
hyuka: i invested way too much time into this shit like i cannot let u go now
taehyun: my b
hyuka: its ok ur cute
taehyun: :D
beomgyu: hyung why dont u say cute things to me
soobin: i literally do, constantly
beomgyu: yeah but do it anyway
soobin: rat
beomgyu: u mean odi
soobin: omfg
soobin: kang yeosang
beomgyu: ?
hyuka: kys
beomgyu: OMG
beomgyu: HYUNG
beomgyu: Kitten I will have to punish you.
soobin: neigh
soobin: im sleepy
beomgyu: oki cmere
beomgyu: where yj
taehyun: idk i dont think hes home
taehyun has sent an image
taehyun: i scared him :(
soobin: ur so unhinged for that
taehyun: HE KEPT TEXTING
hyuka: in yeonjuns defense …
hyuka: do not disturb does exist baby
taehyun: im breaking up with you
hyuka: i just fckin puke all over myself and now i cant stop crying and then i slip on the vomit and land on my ass and now im crying more
taehyun: ik thats right
taehyun: nvm u can stay
taehyun: but shower
hyuka: wtv u say mommy
beomgyu: AYO
hyuka: IM QUOTING ADVENTURE TIME
soobin: ayo
soobin: back all the way up
soobin: taehyun
taehyun: omg
taehyun: what
soobin: when u were talking ab frozen
taehyun: yh
soobin: u said cloping
taehyun: i meant coping obv
soobin: do u know what cloping is
taehyun: a typo
soobin: ok have u ever heard of my little pony
beomgyu: OH MY GOD
beomgyu: HYUJNG
beomgyu: NO
soobin: its where my brain went i wont apologize
soobin: i watched a docuseries about bronies
soobin: anyway cloping is whenever a brony jerks it to a pony
soobin: perks it bc jerks to ponies
soobin: perks = cloping
taehyun: omg
taehyun: i dont believe u
soobin: google it
taehyun: no i mean
taehyun: i dont believe that u only know what cloping is bc of the docuseries i think youre just a furry
soobin: omg
soobin: fuck you
hyuka: so
hyuka: not to expose myself
taehyun: i will break up with you
hyuka: but its actually spelled clopping
hyuka: NO
hyuka: TAEHYUN
hyuka: PLEASE DONT
hyuka: PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASE
hyuka: I WAS THIRTEEN AND EXPLORING MY SEXUALITY VIA THE INTERNET
taehyun: YOU CANT USE THAT EXCUSE FOREVER
taehyun: wait does this mean u had my little pony porn on your tumblr
hyuka: i was an incredibly repressed catholic boy
taehyun: DOES THIS MEAN BEOMGYU SAW YOUR MY LITTLE PONY POSTS…
beomgyu: some of it wasnt that bad
soobin: icb i have sex with you
beomgyu: i was fourteen and exploring my sexuality via the internet
hyuka: ik ur not coming for my branding like that
hyuka: this would be like if i fucked a stray kids member
taehyun: ur already on thin ice bc youre a furry
hyuka: im not a furry dont spread this narrative
hyuka: ok hyung it would be like if yeonjun hyung fucked a skz member
soobin: where is hyung tho
taehyun: fucking a skz member
taehyun: /j
taehyun: idk
taehyun: why
soobin: nothing
soobin: hes been gone awhile
taehyun: i scared him fr
soobin: hush
hyuka: @txt_admin_yeonjun
beomgyu: i wish we had separate twitters
beomgyu: it would be fun
soobin: moa would look thru kais likes and find out hes a brony
hyuka: im NOT
hyuka: tara strong is literally a zionist
soobin: idk who that is
hyuka: she voices twilight sparkle
soobin: see the fact u Know that
yeonjun: kais a brony?
yeonjun: tbh not surprised
beomgyu: omg kai it worked
yeonjun: no kai called me like 8 times and told me to msg the gc bc ‘it would be rly funny’
hyuka: IM NOT A BRONY
hyuka: LEAVE ME ALONE
hyuka: whered u go
yeonjun: sucked dick
taehyun: tea
taehyun: who
yeonjun: not telling
taehyun: ur so ugly
yeonjun: omg
yeonjun: it was jungkook
yeonjun: take that
taehyun: kai im going to faint
taehyun: i feel weak
taehyun: i think im having a stroke
hyuka: baby breathe
hyuka: hes lying baby
yeonjun has added jungoo
yeonjun: hey
yeonjun: need to piss off taehyun
taehyun: omg
jungoo: yo
jungoo: 🐬
soobin: 🐬
jungoo: what u need bbg
taehyun: im going to kill myself
yeonjun: did i just suck ur dick
jungoo: omg
jungoo: yall are so weird
jungoo: but i like causing drama
jungoo: so unfortunately for taehyun, yes
yeonjun: thank u
jungoo: can i stay u guys always make me laugh
taehyun: can i suck ur dick
taehyun: kais a brony
hyuka: STP TELLING PEOPLE THAT
jungoo: mlp goes hard fr
jungoo: when i didnt know how to make friends i just watched my little pony friendship is magic to learn
jungoo: to quote applejack tho
jungoo: i didnt learn anything!
hyuka: no cus that episodes music slapped
jungoo: thats what im saying
taehyun: omg i will never escape
taehyun: jungkook clops too
jungoo: i fcking told u that in confidence yeonjun
yeonjun: U WERE BEING SERIOUS
jungoo: I WAS EXPLORING MY SEXUALITY VIA THE INTERNET
taehyun: i thibk i have a fucking type oh my god
taehyun: if i find out jungkook is autistic im just calling it and marrying kai
jungoo: ok well theres not an official diagnosis
hyuka: LETS GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
hyuka: I HAVE A GUMBALL RING FOR THIS OCCASION
hyuka: IT LOOKS LIKE MAGIKARP
hyuka: I! KEEP! MF! WINNING!
taehyun: i cant believe youre my soulmate
hyuka: hehe
soobin: i love how yall are just like Yeah i guess we’re soulmates and will be in love forever but yall have separate rooms now
taehyun: we still share a bed like every night its just like
taehyun: nice to have my own space
taehyun: plus kai has stopped taking my pokemon cards
hyuka: i NEVER took your pokemon cards
taehyun: wheres my shiny magikarp
hyuka: omg
jungoo: a shiny MAGIKARP?
jungoo: whats the point
jungoo: esp CARDS like it wont evolve
taehyun: i love magikarp bc magikarps all evolve into gyarados one day and i think its incredibly cunt of them to start off as these little losers and then turn into these absolute units
taehyun: so fuck you, first of all
taehyun: second of all, I WANT TO COLLECT ALL THE CARDS
hyuka: u cant prove shit
taehyun has sent an image
hyuka: i pulled that one myself
taehyun has sent an image
beomgyu: U WROTE UR NAME ON IT LMAOOOOOOOOOOOO
taehyun: the way the label is removable so it wouldnt damage the card like kai babe if youre going to commit treason do it right
hyuka: i wanted to feel special
taehyun: no u wanted to get rid of the competition
soobin: kai vs a shiny magikarp who will win
hyuka: not me fr
hyuka: im like a killer on svu like i was pushed to my limit
jungoo: damn shawty
jungoo: this is why i like u guys
beomgyu: plus apparently u get head
jungoo: yeah but thats just a bonus
beomgyu: so are u and yj hyung like a thing now
jungoo: girl idk
jungoo: uuh
yeonjun: mind ur business bomie ^.^
beomgyu: i mean
beomgyu: u didnt mind ur business ab me an soobin
jungoo: TEA?
soobin: beomgyu was my ex discord dom
soobin: and now we're in a relationship
jungoo: AYO
yeonjun: beomgyu ur violating the treaty omg
yeonjun: girl chill
yeonjun: idk why ur in a big time rush
hyuka: oh oh ohhh ohhhhhhhh
beomgyu: that doesnt even make senseeee
beomgyu: i just mean when soobin and i hooked up u were literally on my ass ab it
Jungkook HYBE: ok i added yall to this gc bc i didnt want to be inappropriate in yalls gc but
Jungkook HYBE: seriously is it me bc everytime i show up to the function theres a fight
brony: no those 3 are just really dysfunctional
brony: its stressful as hell
would: no offense but maybe stop hooking up with yeonjun hyung bc it seems to stir the pot a little
Jungkook HYBE: but
Jungkook HYBE: hes sexy :(
Jungkook HYBE: hey kai i wanna tell u this bc i think its funny but i made ur contact ‘brony’
brony: bruh
brony: this is why ur just Jungkook HYBE
Jungkook HYBE: omg
would: i have u as kookie hyung in mine <3
Jungkook HYBE: this is why i like taehyun more than u kai
brony: no u dont
Jungkook HYBE: do u mean u like him more than me or i like u more than him
brony: both
would: grr
would: hyung what am i saved as
Jungkook HYBE: would
would: ?
brony: u motherfucker
Jungkook HYBE: did it just now mostly to piss kai off but also
Jungkook HYBE: Would.
would: would what
would: hyung
would: what does that mean
would: would what
would: wait
would: WHAT
brony: uve broken my boyfriend
Jungkook HYBE: give me a cute contact
yeonjun: i dont see why youre even upset fr like
yeonjun: im not dating jungkook hyung. and if i were i wouldnt have to tell u shit??
yeonjun: i have already apologized to you multiple times ab how i acted and u told me u forgave me
yeonjun: that doesnt me u can do the same thing back
beomgyu: ok fine
beomgyu: i still dk why u ever thought asking me ab soobin was ever appropriate
yeonjun: bc hes basically my ex
soobin: beomgyu stop it
soobin: and hyung
soobin: uh dont call me that
yeonjun: i just meant
yeonjun: u and i had been involved pretty heavily
yeonjun: n then u fucked beomgyu
soobin: dont say it like that
yeonjun: im not saying u like
yeonjun: cheated on me or something i just mean
yeonjun: those were the circumstances, so i felt like i was obligated to some knowledge
yeonjun: i WASNT and i understand that now and i have apologized
yeonjun: like i am genuinely sorry i let my jealousy take over like that
hyuka: p
hyuka: fuck im sorry that had been in my drafted msg to the chat and i accidently jus hit enter rn
hyuka: sorry ill go
yeonjun: idc kai
yeonjun: actually hang on beomgyu are you fucking jealous
yeonjun: holy shit
yeonjun: tired of soobin or something
beomgyu: fucking dont
beomgyu: do not talk about soobin like that what the fuck is wrong with you
beomgyu: holy shit what the hell
soobin: bom its fine
soobin: both of yall need to stop
Jungkook HYBE (do not answer): soobin says yall??
would: focus
soobin: this is not appropriate to be done over text OR in front of the rest of the band / our senior
jungoo: word
soobin: hyung come home and talk to beomgyu and i
soobin: we really should
beomgyu: no
beomgyu: im not fucking speaking to him until he apologizes
beomgyu: idc if youre okay with it but our OLDEST HYUNG should not be speaking ab another member let alone our leader let alone MY PARTNER like that
yeonjun has left the chat
taehyun: omg
taehyun: i promise im taking this all seriously but fr one god damn day guys
would: yall ever see the ultimatum queer love
would: yeonjun reminding me of aussie
would: everytime smth went aussie would just dip like
would: im taking this extremely serious but yeonjuns fight or flight is literally just flight or flight
Jungkook HYBE (do not answer): he just walked back into my place
Jungkook HYBE (do not answer): idk whats the protocol here
brony: just make sure hes ok and maybe talk to him if u both feel comfortable
brony: yj hyung can get really upset very easily
would: he always cries after he gets angry
would: so like be prepared for that
would: pls be kind to him
would: hyungie likes tea and ramen
brony: if u feel weird ab that, tyun and i can come get him and take care of him
Jungkook HYBE (do not answer): no ill take care of him
Jungkook HYBE (do not answer): he seems ok rn but im putting on netflix
Jungkook HYBE (do not answer): ill lyk if anything happens
brony: do NOT have sex with him
would: i would say its weird u need to specify that but honestly
would: hyung has terrible coping skills
brony: dont u mean cloping
would: takes off engagement ring
brony: nononononononoNONONONONONONONOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
brony: jungkook hyung BACK OFF
Jungkook HYBE (do not answer): damn ok