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Xiao Xingchen had made a mistake.
Staring at the train station schedule, he realized he didn’t have the slightest idea how to read it. He’d thought if he just pointed to a location on a map, he’d somehow be able to board a train in that general direction. Stupidly, he didn’t plan much farther than that and he wasn’t sure where to even buy a ticket.
It had been only three weeks since he started this grand traveling expedition and he was already stuck. For some reason when he decided to take this journey after college before he’d try for his master’s degree, he thought it would be fun not to plan anything.
In retrospect, it wasn’t such a great idea since he now stood, utterly lost, in a huge train station in Germany without knowing a single phrase of German. Googling common German words wasn’t helping either. He also wasn’t sure if he was up to stuttering the beautiful language to some poor local that had to piece together whatever he was trying to say.
It was a disaster.
Maybe he should turn around and head back to the airport. Travel somewhere he could at least speak a little of the language. Forget about his dream to explore all Europe had to offer and stay closer to home, somewhere he could at least ask for the bathroom.
Xiao Xingchen keeps staring at the train schedule. He’d been saving up for this trip since high school and not once did it ever occur to him to learn more than English, French, and a bit of Spanish. Why had he not added German to the mix? The major oversight was haunting him now. He should have visited France and Spain first, but he’d just been so excited to see somewhere new he took a chance he didn’t know he’d later regret.
He tries (with much difficulty) not to heave a sigh that sounds like he’s experiencing a mid-life crisis.
He could be for all he knows. At his college graduation, he watched his classmates wail and cling to each other as if it was the last time they’d be together. He didn’t understand it. Through his years as a college student, he hadn’t felt the interest to make lasting friendships or any relationships past the formal group project buddy or roommate. He also wasn’t entirely lonely because every so often he’d be invited to a party or an outing as a mutual.
Xiao Xingchen liked people. He liked talking with them and being accompanied to lunch or coffee. He just didn’t think that he needed any more than that. It also didn’t occur to him that those missed opportunities to keep in touch would affect him past college.
A sinking feeling crept inside the pit of his stomach after his last roommate moved out of the apartment and he was left to pack his things by himself. He didn’t realize it would be so quiet. How there was no longer noise around him and if there was he felt excluded.
The week he dropped off all his stuff at a relative’s house and set out on this trip, he hadn’t said more than a few sentences the entire time. For the seven days after moving out of the college apartment, the longest conversation he had was with a bored drive-thru cashier at 2 AM. His relative talked even less than that. He didn’t blame her, she never talked much to anyone anyway (she lived in the wilderness on top of a mountain just to avoid people).
So when he boarded his first flight to Ireland, he did anything to strike up conversations with the other passengers. He missed talking to people so much that in England, he’d ask people for directions just to be able to have a small chat with them. He managed. However, once he arrived in Germany, asking a local for directions ended up in a very awkward communication barrier. Once again, he mentally slapped himself for not studying German.
The sinking feeling crawled under his skin and he finally decided he’d been standing there for too long. People had to side-step him as they hurried from place to place and he was becoming more of a traffic hazard than a person. Ripping his eyes away from the train schedule (clamping them shut so he wouldn’t be tempted to keep gazing at it) and turning on his heel with his one small suitcase and backpack in tow, he headed back to the taxi for a ride to the airport.
Turns out walking with your eyes closed tight was a terrible idea. He slams, face first, into some poor soul that happened to be standing right behind him. Xiao Xingchen reels back and before he starts horribly stammering out the word he thinks is sorry in German, the man speaks. And Xiao Xingchen can understand it.
“Please watch where you’re going.”
Is all the voice says and something akin to relief or comfort swells in Xiao Xingchen’s chest despite this being a complete stranger. Since his eyes are open now, he gets a good look at the man and the relief quickly turns to embarrassment.
He was stunning. Xiao Xingchen couldn’t remember the last time someone made him speechless, if that had ever happened before. He wasn’t one to gawk at a pretty face. Or even notice someone because of looks. He always thought that was a shallow way to regard someone, but this man with incredibly strong features that took his breath away instantly made him a hypocrite.
Before he makes a fool out of himself, Xiao Xingchen blinks a few times to return to reality.
“I’m very sorry, I wasn’t paying attention.” He blurts out a little too loud. Maybe he’s just excited to finally talk to someone he can understand, but he winces at the unnecessary volume.
The man doesn’t respond and abruptly returns to scanning the train schedule. Xiao Xingchen should be going back to the shuttles and make for the airport, but his feet don’t seem to want to move. They’ve planted just a step back from where he stood earlier and for some strange reason, he also turns back to the train schedule. He’s still facing the stranger. His feet refused to even shuffle in the right direction.
Xiao Xingchen peeks at the man from the corner of his eye and tries to remember how to talk to people. He had no trouble talking to people at college or the locals in the United Kingdom. Striking up conversation and making people feel socially comfortable was one of Xiao Xingchen’s best traits since he had the perfect bright smile and friendly nature. This was the exception. For once in his life, he can’t think of anything to say.
Before Xiao Xingchen has the chance to formulate a complete sentence, the man turns and begins to walk away. He’d never felt such panic. His feet startle awake and he dives for the stranger’s shoulder, almost yanking at the arm of his dark coat from desperation.
The man stops dead in his tracks.
“Wait, I need your help!” Xiao Xingchen says.
The man’s shoulders are rigid and he’s frozen completely except for his eyes which drop to glare at Xiao Xingchen’s hand. Xiao Xingchen doesn’t wait for another second to pull his hand back and tuck it awkwardly into his own jacket pocket. He scolds himself for being so impolite to someone he had just crashed into.
“Sorry, that was rude.” He quickly apologizes under the man’s scrutiny. “I noticed you could read the train schedule and I…well I don’t understand a bit of German so I was wondering if you could help me get a ticket.”
The words come tumbling out of his mouth and it’s the most he’s said all day. Maybe whatever higher power had taken pity on Xiao Xingchen and given him a handsome stranger who could possibly translate his intentions. He didn’t know, but for some reason, he felt like he’d regret it for the rest of his life if he let this man walk away without trying. Even if this man looked wholly uncomfortable to be there.
He doesn't reply, but he also hasn’t run from Xiao Xingchen so that must be a somewhat good sign.
“I was hoping to explore Germany a little bit more than the train station,” Xiao Xingchen laughs to himself, trying to fill the tense silence with something light-hearted. It’s a genuine laugh, he’s a bit hysterical from his "mid-life crisis" only a few minutes ago and it has been a long time since he last felt so relaxed.
Why did he feel so relaxed?
An eternity passes, it's full of Xiao Xingchen’s nervous glances to his own feet. The stranger responds.
“Where are you going?”
It makes Xiao Xingchen’s heart swell and he isn’t sure if he’d ever felt so relieved. He lets out the breath he’s been holding, finally feeling safe enough to meet his savior’s dark eyes. It might be Xiao Xingchen’s imagination, the man hasn’t shown much more expression than judgemental looks and curt responses, but his face now seems a bit redder.
“Well…I haven’t decided yet.” Xiao Xingchen tells him sheepishly.
He just wanted to go somewhere, anywhere other than this god forbidden train station. Unfortunately, even if he leaves this place he still doesn’t know any German and will inevitably be stuck again. And he’ll be alone. Years ago that might have not bothered him, but after realizing he had nothing to return to once he went home was…devastating. No friends to catch up with to tell of his adventures (not that he was any good at storytelling) no relationships waiting to unfold, no one to share his life with.
It occurs to him that this is quite the inconvenience to someone he had just asked for help and fumbles to make an explanation.
“I’m just here to explore, I got a little ahead of myself heading somewhere with a language I can’t understand. However, I still would like to see some of Germany! I promised myself I’d see all of Europe before heading back home-”
Xiao Xingchen realizes he’s rambling. The sudden need to talk to someone who could understand him, give him a response, and listen to whatever was currently plaguing his thoughts was unbearable. The words burst out before he had the time to clamp his mouth shut so they’d stop before he could embarrass himself. Not that he hasn’t already.
Clearing his throat and turning over his phone in his jacket pocket to keep his hands busy, Xiao Xingchen returns to the topic at hand. This stranger probably didn’t want to hear his life story or whatever else decided to come out of his mouth for that matter. The man was there to simply get on a train and go, not to listen to the musings of a twenty-two-year-old. Xiao Xingchen had never been this rude to someone before.
“Sorry,” He says for the third time to the man (which is proof he’s been a nuisance this whole time) “you could just tell me how to get to the ticket booth.”
Silence. Again. A kind of crippling quiet that really exacerbates Xiao Xingchen’s self-doubt. He can hear the man refusing to show him the correct direction and leaving without another word. Then he’d be alone again. At this point, he really should just head back to the airport and never travel again.
“Fine,” the man says with the omnipresent stern expression, “come with me.”
Xiao Xingchen thanks whatever deity above sent this beautiful man to help him buy a ticket. He breaks into a wide smile and it’s the largest honest grin he’s worn since this trip started. Maybe the first in a while. Before he figures out the last time he’d felt this happy over something so small, the man begins to walk in a determined direction without checking to see if Xiao Xingchen followed. He jogs to keep up.
Xiao Xingchen hadn’t noticed it before, but the man carries the same compact amount of luggage he has (except he replaces a shoulder bag for Xiao Xingchen’s backpack). He wears travel-worn clothes, wrinkled and comfortable, but with a stylish air. The way he holds his things, maneuvering his dark suitcase expertly through the crowd in an extreme effort to avoid brushing up against people, and how he doesn’t seem to be in a rush for any particular event makes Xiao Xingchen think he’s a wanderer too.
Xiao Xingchen notices the dark circles around the stranger’s eyes when he gives the man his name. Had he also just gotten off a flight too?
“Xiao Xingchen,” He repeats although the man didn’t ask, “it’s my name.”
From that, Xiao Xingchen gets a hesitant nod of acknowledgment. It’s enough for now. Strangely, he wants more than that, whatever that might mean. Dialogue, perhaps? Something other than the short responses to questions that don’t give Xiao Xingchen much to consider. He’s tempted to know something else other than this man knows some German and can guide him to the ticket booth.
Anything else.
“Song Lan.”
Xiao Xingchen’s head shoots up. He’s been staring at the heels of his guide for a couple of minutes now and had already lost hope in getting an answer. The man didn’t even turn around to say it, the name was tossed over his shoulder as they swerved around a large crowd of children in school uniforms. Xiao Xingchen had barely even heard it. He never thought he’d appreciate his good hearing for something like this.
Song Lan.
He’ll remember that.
Their walk to the ticket booth takes a little over fifteen minutes because Song Lan, Xiao Xingchen smiles at the name, had taken every detour possible to duck out of the heavy train station traffic. Sometimes they’d zig-zag across a platform to get around locals waiting patiently for their transportation or take the long way by clinging to the walls. Xiao Xingchen didn’t mind, of course, he followed without complaint because he was just happy to spend more time with Song Lan. It was a comfort he wished he could take with him.
Xiao Xingchen laughs when a little girl tugs on Song Lan’s jacket thinking it was her father. Song Lan gives him a cold stare, but Xiao Xingchen feels no hatred behind it.
They finally find themselves in line for a train ticket and as expected, it's crowded. It'll take forever to reach the front, but Xiao Xingchen is hardly bothered. They get in the line Song Lan thinks is shortest and stand in silence. Xiao Xingchen is once again thanking any entity watching over him for this turn of events. He doesn’t want to be alone again yet.
“Have you decided where you’re going?” Song Lan asks and it startles Xiao Xingchen from his thoughts.
He is still unsure of where he should even start since only minutes ago he had given up on the trip altogether. He thinks of all the tourist attractions and big cities, but they suddenly feel so overwhelming alone. He swallows the lump forming in his throat.
“Any suggestions?”
Song Lan considers this. When he thinks, his eyes are hooded and he seems to be boring holes into the back of the unlucky person in front of them. Xiao Xingchen would never tell anyone, but he likes to watch Song Lan search for a response, something about his straight back and contemplative gaze amuses him.
“If this is your exploration trip, you should decide that for yourself. It should be somewhere you’re interested in.”
Xiao Xingchen sighs, but he’s unable to stifle a smile. “That doesn’t help me much.”
Song Lan hums in reply, once again choosing to say nothing rather than give Xiao Xingchen something else to remember before they part ways. Before Song Lan leaves him at the ticket booth without saying goodbye. Before Xiao Xingchen must watch him disappear into the crowd. Before he’s all by himself again.
He feels sick. He doesn’t want to be here anymore, but he also doesn’t want to go back to an empty apartment when he returns. He’s stuck in this stupid trip until the money he saved up runs out and there’s nowhere else he can escape to. Then he’ll move on and forget about Germany, forget about Europe, forget about confusing train schedules and tickets…forget about Song Lan.
If he could even do that.
Something is stinging his eyes and he dares not cry here in front of this poor man who he’s already troubled so much, so instead he asks, “Where are you going?”
And Song Lan gives him a look that almost stops Xiao Xingchen’s heart. For all his rough edges and distant demeanor, his eyes grow soft and there’s a hint of a smile there if Xiao Xingchen squints.
“Exploring, same as you. I’m headed southwest and seeing where it takes me.”
Xiao Xingchen must be crazy. He must have lost his mind after staring too long at the train schedules and he was now legally mental. Before he can consider reason or logic or a single strand of common sense, the question is already out of his mouth and hanging dead in the air.
“Could I join you?”
Xiao Xingchen wants to bury his face in his hands and never speak again. He didn’t think his own voice would betray him until this moment where he asks a complete stranger if he can be their travel companion. He’s finally reached a new low. Someone, please put him out of his misery.
Song Lan doesn’t seem disgusted. Although Xiao Xingchen doesn’t look at his face (he’d actually die, no doubt), Song Lan hasn’t backed away or resentfully declined the offer. Or maybe he was fuming with annoyance and the silence was just the quiet before the storm. Xiao Xingchen grips the handle of his suitcase so hard his knuckles nearly pierce out of his skin.
“I-I mean not as a partner, but to start southwest too and-”
“I don’t mind.” Song Lan says just as apathetic as everything else that comes out of his mouth. As if that one statement didn’t send Xiao Xingchen head over heels while the world burst into bloom around him. Xiao Xingchen doesn’t just smile, he beams.
Song Lan looks away.
They purchase tickets together, they wait on the train platform to board together, they climb inside together (Xiao Xingchen nearly trips but catches himself on the railing, Song Lan looks mortified), they store their things in an overhead compartment together, they sit across from each other by one of the train’s huge windows together.
Xiao Xingchen talks the entire time because he hasn’t had the chance to speak so freely in the past month and Song Lan doesn’t mind. He listens to every word, although Xiao Xingchen thinks he’s pretending not to. And even their silences are comfortable, despite them being strangers. Like they were meant to be together.
Xiao Xingchen doesn’t want them to be strangers anymore. He likes the way Song Lan responds every so often with a witty comment or even just an acknowledging glance and how he even sometimes quips a spontaneous joke that Xiao Xingchen doesn’t expect, causing him to burst out laughing. He likes sitting across from Song Lan because he gets to see him drift asleep although it’s only the afternoon or cleanly munch on train snacks offered by the attendant, wiping his fingers on a napkin after every bite. He likes having company and having his company like him back.
He begins to think this trip is the best decision he’d ever made.
___
Song Lan already knows this trip is the best decision he’d ever made.
He was, ironically, having a terrible day after getting no sleep on the plane because of a couple’s argument in the seat behind him and spending hours waiting for his misplaced luggage to finally arrive with a large dent in the side. It might have been worse after he’d taken so many measures to avoid people (as he usually did) and a complete stranger had run directly into him. Once the shock of realizing all his efforts had gone to waste, he was drawn back to reality with Xiao Xingchen’s nervous laughter and bright smile.
It was godsent.
He stumbled to respond and had to feign indifference while turning away from Xiao Xingchen so he wouldn’t see the heat rising in his face. The day had turned from bitter and frustrating to one of the best in his entire trip. Possibly his entire life, however, he’d never let Xiao Xingchen know that.
Then this charming person full of smiles and words (talkative beyond belief, but his voice was so alluring, he couldn’t help but listen even if it was rambling) wanted to stay with him a little longer despite Song Lan giving him the cold shoulder. He took this trip to escape people, yet here he was buying a ticket for this stranger, boarding a train with this stranger, and sharing a space with this stranger. And what’s more ironic is that he liked it.
So Song Lan already knows this trip is the best decision he’d ever made. He knows this because when he looks at his new travel partner, who laughs at his strange jokes and talks like they’re dear friends, he knows that in the middle of this crowded German train station, where the sound of people and machines and rolling luggage are overwhelming, he’s helplessly in love.
And he knows he’ll be in love for the rest of his life.