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“Alright, Padfoot, spill it. What’s wrong?” James crosses his arms over his chest and gives his best friend a pointed look.
Sirius looks away with a sullen expression on his face. “It’s nothing.”
“Bullshit,” James says. “You’ve been agitated and grumpy all day. Now what is it?”
It’s true. They’re having a get together with food and drinks at James’s and Lily’s, with James and Lily themselves, of course, Sirius, Remus, Peter, Marlene, Dorcas, Mary, Fabian and Gideon. Sirius, who’s normally loud, cheerful and energetic, has been snippy and dismissive the entire time.
“Fine!” Sirius says. “If you must know, there’s this guy I like. I asked him out, and he said no.”
James raises his eyebrows. He didn’t even know Sirius was liking some guy, and someone turning down Sirius Black? “I’m sorry, Pads. But it’s his loss, you know. You can have anyone you want.”
“Well, apparently not, as I want him.”
“Since when are you chasing after one particular guy?”
“Oh, please!” Remus says in an annoyed tone, while he has been very quiet all evening. “This is clearly a ‘wanting what you can’t have’ type of situation. If that guy had said yes, Padfoot probably would have been tired of him already.”
Sirius glares at Remus, then turns back to James. “Oh, I’m sorry, Prongs. I guess if you want to know what’s going on with me, you should ask Moony, as he apparently knows my thoughts and feelings better than I do.”
Remus glares back at him. “When have you ever showed any interest in a serious relationship with any of the guys you’ve dated?”
Sirius folds his arms over his chest. “Well, none of those guys were him, were they?”
Remus rolls his eyes. “You don’t know what you’re talking about. Even if you’d mean it and really want to try, you have no idea what commitment actually entails. You value your freedom and independence so much, could you ever make concessions in that?”
Sirius frowns. “So I can’t have a committed relationship because I haven’t had one before?”
“It doesn’t matter,” James intervenes, not liking to see his friends, who are usually so close, bickering like this. “He said no. And as disappointing as that is, you’ll have to respect that. You can’t make everyone like you.”
“I know, I know!” Sirius says. “If he’d just say he doesn’t like me, that would be fine. Well, not fine, but I’d respect that. He didn’t though.”
“I hate to break it to you, Pads,” Peter almost snickers. “But him rejecting you kind of says enough.”
“That’s the thing, Wormtail,” Sirius says, raising a finger. “He didn’t reject me for not liking me. He actually said that he wouldn’t go out with me because he feels like he’s not good enough for me, and thinks I deserve someone better.”
“Not to be mean, Sirius,” Marlene says. “But that sounds like a lame excuse to let you down gently.”
“Yeah,” Fabian agrees. “Not dating a person you actually do like, because you want someone better for them? No one is that selfless!”
James nods. “Sounds like a load of crap, if you ask me. You’re either into someone and date them, or you’re not and you don’t, and it’s as simple as that.”
“It doesn’t have to be!” Remus argues. “Sirius might be able to try and give it a go, and when it doesn’t work out, just move on to the next, but it might not be as simple for the other person. Sirius isn’t an easy person to get over, so I can understand someone not wanting to set himself up for that kind of heartbreak.”
“That is already assuming it’ll crash and burn?” Sirius asks.
“Why would you assume otherwise?” Remus counters. “With his insecurities, and your reputation of-”
“My reputation?” Sirius interrupts. “Maybe it’s a good thing he won’t date me then, if he’s going to judge me on my shitty hearsay reputation, instead of actually listening to what I’m saying.”
“Can you really blame him for that?” Gideon asks. “You’re Sirius Black. Your reputation precedes you. We know it’s mostly complete bollocks, but he may not.”
“He knows,” Sirius replies. “At least he should know. We’ve been friends for a while. He knows the real me.”
“Being friends might also complicate things,” Lily remarks, while James is seriously wondering who this guy is and why he hasn’t heard about him before. “There’s more at stake when a friendship is involved.”
Peter snorts. “Oh, please. ‘I don’t want to jeopardize our friendship’ is the most shite excuse to turn someone down. Well, it’s right up there with ‘I’m not good enough for you’. I mean, dating someone wildly out of your league is the dream, right?”
James grins at Lily. “It certainly was for me.”
Lily elbows him playfully. “Yeah, right. I was not out of your league, Mr. Popular Quidditch hero. Like you could have ever considered someone to be out of your league with your ego.”
“It’s not a dream though, or even remotely pleasant, to be with someone out of your league,” Remus addresses Peter’s comment. “Constant anxiety, constant fear of not being good enough, and wondering when the other person will realise that as well, come to his senses and leave you. Constantly wondering when the person you care so much about will be bored of you and find someone more interesting.” Remus shakes his head. “It’s not that strange to imagine someone not wanting to put himself through that.”
“And you think it’s easy for me?” Sirius has gotten up to his feet. “You say I know nothing of commitment, but have you ever considered that maybe I’m scared as well? Terrified of having someone to lose? But every time I look at this person, I just know that it’s worth the risk!”
James looks over at Sirius with an enquiring gaze. Of course, being as close to Sirius as he is, he knew why Sirius puts up these walls, but it’s strange for Sirius to speak it out loud, especially in front of all their friends. If there’s anything he doesn’t like, it’s to be vulnerable.
“Besides,” Sirius continues. “He can talk to me about it. Tell me what makes him feel unsure, what I can do to make it better. I’ll reassure him of how much he means to me every day if I have to.”
Remus stares at Sirius, now looking sad and lost, and James realises there’s more going on than some random guy not wanting to date Sirius.
“Why would you do that?” Remus’s voice is almost a whisper. “Why would you go through so much trouble? Why would you want any part of such a mess?”
“Because I love you, that’s why! I bloody love you!” Sirius shouts, as the whole group looks at him in shock. “And you’re right. I have trouble opening up and I’m emotionally unstable, you have trust issues and you’re insecure, neither of us knows anything about what a healthy romantic relationship entails, and that’s not even mentioning the upcoming war, but I don’t care! I just don’t care, because I love you, and that’s all that matters.”
Remus seems at a loss for words as conflicting emotions pass over his face.
“And I think you have feelings for me as well,” Sirius bravely continues, as Remus stays quiet. “If not, then look me in the eye and say so, and I’ll leave it alone. But otherwise, I’m not willing to give up on us yet.”
“Even when the stakes are so high? Our friendship is not a price I’m willing to pay,” Remus says with a tremble in his voice.
“Moony,” Sirius pleads. “You were right, I don’t know how to be in a committed relationship, and I can’t promise you that I’m not going to screw this up, but don’t you think being with me is worth the risk? I know being with you is.”
“I can never risk losing you, Sirius. I just can’t.”
“It’ll destroy me if I lost you. But if I look back at this, and realise that we never gave us a chance, never even tried... If I’ll have to wonder ‘what if’ for the rest of my life, it’ll kill me.”
Mary lets out a high-pitched sob, which makes both Sirius and Remus realise that they’re not alone, and all the others are all listening to their conversation.
Sirius flushes. “I’m sorry,” he mumbles. “I have no right to question your reasoning, of course. I didn’t mean to put you on the spot like this. I.. I’ll just leave.”
And with that, Sirius dashes out of the room.
James doesn’t know whether he should go after his best friend, or stay here and try to get some sense out of Remus.
He runs a hand through his hair and focuses his attention on the latter.
“Just to make sure I’m getting this correctly, you’re the guy?”
Remus, biting his nail and staring at the floor, shortly nods.
Lily then gets up, resolutely walks over to Remus, and grabs him by his shoulders.
“You look at me and you answer me, Remus John Lupin. Are you in love with that man, yes or no?”
Remus gives her a desperate stare. “Yes... Merlin, of course I am, Lily! How could I not be?”
“Then you listen to me. You’re a wonderful person, and if anyone deserves to be happy, it’s you. And we can all see how happy he makes you. So stop this whole self-sabotaging nonsense, and run after him. Go get your man!”
Remus’s expression suddenly becomes determined as he looks Lily in the eyes. He gives another nod, a firm nod this time, and then wastes no time rushing out of the room.
The door hasn’t even closed behind him, before the whole group jumps up to their feet and sprints toward the window.
Sirius quickly walks down the street, trying not to cry and generally just feeling pathetic. What was he thinking, acting like such an idiotic fool in front of literally everyone he cares about, and putting that kind of pressure on Remus?
“Padfoot!” A voice shouts.
Sirius turns around and sees Remus running towards him. He curses himself for not having disapparated sooner, not that it would’ve mattered much, as he and Remus share a flat. He wipes angrily at the tears that are threatening to spill.
“Moony, I’m very sorry for making such a fool of myself, and getting you involved in it, but can’t you just-”
Remus takes Sirius’s face between his hands and presses their lips together.
When they part again, much too soon, Sirius just blinks at him. “Does this mean... Do you want to...”
“Give us a chance, yes,” Remus replies. “If you’ll still have me?”
“Still have you?” Sirius barks out a laugh. “Moony, I’ll have you, I’ll have you no matter what, all I ever wanted was to have you!”
Sirius places a hand behind Remus’s neck, and, while cheers erupt from behind the window, they kiss again.