Chapter Text
~*Jensen*~
“You said it yourself, Sport. Whatever’s out there is pretty fucking bloodthirsty.”
Jensen blinked rapidly, confusion clouding his mind. This… hadn’t already happened? Had he dreamt it all? Had it been a really vivid vision?
Deciding not to look a gift horse in the mouth, he slammed his weight against the door, pushing with all the strength he could muster. He could still get out there, he could stop what he knew was going to happen if he stayed in there. Eric didn’t have to die, not today, not before they could go back to being the family they were trying so hard to be.
“Hold on, Dad,” he bit out, his voice taut with tension. “I’m nearly out of here, I can fix this, just find a place to hide! Can you get out of the window?”
“I let you down enough, Jensen.”
Faltering in his motions, the green-eyed future Beta wondered why his foster father seemed to be having his own conversation, barely even reacting to what he was saying. A dark feeling of foreboding clenched his gut and with sweat-cold hands, he reached for the doorknob. Turned it.
No resistance.
He stepped through the door and almost retched at the bloody carnage he was met with. Eric’s body lay there, shredded and torn and bloody, his eyes open and unseeing.
“Love you, Jensen, okay?”
Tears clogged his throat as the words echoed in his mind, coming not from the corpse that was splayed out before him, but from the memory of the last words ever spoken by the man.
Jensen’s knees gave out, thudding unforgivingly against the floor. “Dad, I’m sorry,” he whispered, voice thick with emotion. “I should have told you. I should have…”
“You should have what?” All at once, the horror around him seemed to multiply. Blood pools began growing, spreading around him as though the room were flooding with it, and Eric’s bloodied face lifted, speaking to him as he struggled to stand on torn limbs. More grotesque than that was when his face twisted into a fearsome scowl, teeth elongating and eyes pulsing a bloody red, almost as if…
Almost as if he were some kind of nightmare werewolf.
He advanced on Jensen, and with growing trepidation, the green-eyed boy scrambled backwards. It was an awkward sort of crab-walk, halted only when his palm slipped in a pool of blood; Jensen fought down revulsion when he realized that he was completely covered in blood, his clothes slick with it.
In front of him, Eric’s corpse kept coming. “You should have told me that you were associating with blood-hungry monsters? You should have let me know that you were putting both of our lives in danger? You should have left my home so that I didn’t have to be faced with such a horrific death? What, Jensen? What should you have done?!”
That voice, once filled with soft compassion, was now booming with hatred and disgust. Every word was like a blow to Jensen’s stomach, adding to the already awful nausea he had from seeing the state of the room. Unshed tears tied his throat up in knots, making it harder and harder to take a breath, although even if he could, Jensen wasn’t sure what he would have used it for.
To scream? To sob? To talk, and beg for forgiveness that he knew he didn’t deserve?
Bumping against the wall with nowhere else to go, Jensen helplessly resigned himself to his fate. For all the enemies he could fight against, tangible and not, he had never been able to fight against his father. And this thing, though it obviously wasn’t Eric Kripke anymore, was still something that was wearing his face, and Jensen was too filled with fresh grief and a terrible self-recrimination to fight against it.
“I’m sorry,” he breathed raggedly, everything aching anew as he used up oxygen that he didn’t really have. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…”
“Oh, baby… please, wake up.”
Jensen’s body tensed, several things making it to his awareness at once. The first, and possibly the only comforting thing, was that he was surrounded by a familiar scent and warmth; one that he knew meant he was safe in Jared’s arms, and not at the horror place his mind had sent him to. The second, was that his mouth was still moving off its own volition, which meant he had been talking in sleep; likely the same repetition of apologies, since it had his boyfriend sounding so wrecked.
The third, and definitely the worst realization, was that it was all real.
A choked sob caught in his throat and instinctively, he curled into a ball in an effort to minimize the awful pain that was ravaging his body. Phantom agony that Jensen knew from experience was ten thousand times worse than any physical affliction coursed through him, reopening familiar wounds and creating new ones too. This was his one moment of weakness – he couldn’t allow himself any more – and he made use of it by clinging onto the arms that Jared slid around him. His boyfriend was whining softly, obviously hurting at his distress, but Jensen appreciated his presence more than he knew how to convey. For several minutes, he just held on to Jared, eyes shut against the world and all of that goddamn pain.
But he couldn’t hide forever.
Green eyes fluttered open gradually, his entire body tensed with the expected blast of light that never came. He was in Jared’s old bedroom; he knew that immediately because the surroundings were still so familiar to him, no matter how much more often they were at their cottage instead of Jared’s childhood home. Although his body ached dully, it wasn’t nearly at the level of pain he’d expected to feel, which made him believe that Beaver had used his serum thing on Jensen again, healing him with Jared’s blood. At the same time, however, he knew that he hadn’t lost too much time being unconscious, because his middle still stung with every breath and his head still pounded from the concussion he’d had, and his chest ached horribly with the discomfort of burns, which meant that the serum hadn’t been at work for very long.
Couple hours, at most.
Systematically, he began to mount his defenses; first clenching his jaw against the tears that were struggling to make it past his eyelashes, and then tensing his muscles to force himself to an upright position. It was harder to force a blank expression over his features, but years of practice were nothing to scoff at, and after a moment, Jensen managed that, too.
Jared had other ideas. “You need to rest, love,” he murmured, achingly gentle as he tried to coax Jensen back on to the bed. “C’mon, please, you need…”
“I need to make calls,” Jensen interrupted him, voice clear and lucid, if a little dull. He avoided his Alpha’s eyes, instead shrugging off the hand that was cupped over his shoulder. “I need to make preparations,” he added, stubbornly ignoring the flash of hurt that came over Jared’s expression at the brush-off. Jared was just going to have to deal, he was just going to have to understand…
If Jensen allowed himself to indulge in his boyfriend’s comfort for even a second longer than he already had, he was going to shatter.
He couldn’t afford to shatter, not right then, not when everything was so out of balance and turbulent. Jensen knew for a fact that there were things that needed considering, plans that needed making even after the… the funeral. Things about the pack and about the safety of all of their wolves. Things that they needed to think about, as the future Alpha and Beta, and things that Jensen couldn’t be helpful with if he was half out of his mind with grief and guilt and internally directed rage.
Jared scooted closer to him, apparently not understanding. “We can do that in the morning, baby, I’ll help you,” he offered softly, his voice so goddamn soothing and pleading and young. Fuck, but Jared really sounded young in that moment, as though all he wanted in the world was to make Jensen okay, only he had no idea how, and it was tearing him apart.
As much as Jensen wanted to assuage the feeling in his lover, he couldn’t. He just didn’t have anything left in that moment, except for his defenses.
“I have to go, Jared,” he shook his head, tone bordering on curt as he stumbled to his feet, trying to locate his shoes once he realized that he was in a pair of Jared’s sweats and his own wifebeater. The Alpha immediately got up as well, crossing around the bed and looking like he was going to try to talk Jensen down. But Jensen wasn’t on a ledge, he was just… fortifying his barriers. It was the only way he was going to get through this. He cut Jared off at the knees by holding up a hand. “I’m not in shock and I’m completely rational,” he stated, strategically injecting a hint of flat impatience into his words. “And I need to go. I’m not going to do anything stupid, but I’m not going to just sit here and wallow and pretend that nothing happened, for the whole fucking night.”
Guilt curled in his stomach, and Jensen knew for a fact that he wasn’t being or speaking fair to his boyfriend, but the alternative was allowing himself to be weak. He’d made that mistake, made it for the past few months, and it had almost gotten himself and others killed on multiple occasions. It had gotten Eric killed, now.
No more weakness. No more being blindsided. No more loss.
Despite his overly harsh words, Jared still approached him, looking like he was trying to sooth a spooked animal. “Baby, you’re hurting,” he murmured, sounding like just saying the words was hurting him just as much. “Just… let me take care of you for a little while, okay, sweetheart?”
“I don’t need to be taken care of.” Even as every fiber ached to disagree, Jensen forced himself to keep an impassive expression.
Finally, Jared just manacled his wrists with his hands, jerking Jensen into his chest. “Let’s just talk about this, love, okay?” he pleaded, using the strength in his muscles to keep Jensen pinned there, and later on, Jensen would blame the panic of an impending breakdown for the cheap shot he made himself take.
“So now you want to talk, huh?” he spat, forcing reticent anger to beat back the crushing wave of agony and despair that was waiting for his defenses to lower long enough to beat him into the ground. He shoved away from his Alpha’s hold. “You didn’t feel like talking earlier, when I begged you to let that stupid Adam thing go, did you? You didn’t feel like talking when I was trying to tell you that something was off! You didn’t feel like fucking talking about anything then, so why do you think I want to talk now?!”
The words had barely left his mouth before crushing guilt made him feel sick to his stomach. Jared looked pale, as though Jensen had stabbed him through the heart, and he might as well have because Jensen didn’t know how on earth he was ever going to make up for the stupid drivel that had just come out of his mouth.
He didn’t deserve to be forgiven for that.
Remorse and regret burned at the pit of his belly, the silence between him and his stricken Alpha deafening. Jensen tried to force an apology through numb lips, to say something, anything about this was his own fault and his own damage, not Jared’s, not at all… but he couldn’t. And maybe it was better if he didn’t, because Jensen seemed to have a knack for killing everyone that ever loved him, just like that stupid fucking nightmare he’d had all those months ago.
Maybe it was better for the pack to steer clear. For Jared to steer clear.
Choking on his own despair at the idea, Jensen forced his uncooperative legs to move, taking quick strides out of Jared’s room, and then out of Jared’s house, and then on the road to where, he wasn’t sure, bare feet be damned.
Jared didn’t stop him.
~*Jared POV*~
As he watched the love of his life walk away from him, it was like he was in one of his worst nightmares, stuck to the ground and unable to do anything except watch as the unthinkable played out in front of him.
When he finally accepted that Jensen wasn’t going to miraculously reappear in his doorway, the Alpha released a shuddering breath that he hadn’t known he was holding. His vision blurred in a second and Jared tried valiantly to swallow down the tears, because what right did he have to be crying right now? He wasn’t the one who’d been orphaned twice in the same lifetime. He wasn’t the one who’d been forced to witness his father being torn apart. He wasn’t the one who’d been targeted relentlessly because of who he’d chosen to love.
Jensen wasn’t saying it outright, but Jared knew that this was all his fault.
Well, not so much his fault as the consequence of who he was, but honestly, Jared should have just considered leaving with Jensen back before his mate had even known of the existence of Weres. Once, a long time ago, he’d told himself that he would learn how to live without his Alpha side making an appearance, but he’d been selfish when faced with his love’s acceptance. He’d begun taking and taking and taking in that moment, always remorseful but never really doing anything to stop or cushion the hits that Jensen took in the name of being his mate.
He’d deserved being walked out on.
Jared wasn’t sure how long he’d stayed frozen in place, head bowed as he sat on the edge of his bed, still facing the door as if hoping that it would be opened by his mate against all odds. Because Jared could fix this, he knew he could, he would do whatever it took… by whatever means necessary, he would make it right, he just needed the chance…
When a tentative knock sounded, he jerked upright, but both his sense of smell, keenly attuned to his mate, and also a bit of common sense told him that it wasn’t Jensen at the door. “Yeah?”
“Can I come in?” Megan asked softly, sounding nervous but determined. His first instinct was to turn her away, not wanting his baby sister to have any part in the awful darkness that was touching him and Jensen right now, but Jared knew that it would be a pointless thing. Megan loved them both and last night, when he’d carried his mate inside the house, it’d been his sister who’d made sure that the bed was made up for Jen. It’d been Megan who had cried bitterly when she’d seen Jensen’s injuries and heard that his father had been killed in the attack.
She was already part of it, because she loved them – she loved Jensen – too much not to be.
His voice was hoarse, even after he cleared his throat. “Yeah, Megz, sure.” The door began creaking slowly open even before all the words were out of his mouth, and when a small brunette head popped in through the doorway, the Alpha recognized that his sister was being cautious thinking that Jensen was still asleep. She hadn’t heard anything, then, that had transpired… hours ago? He blinked when he noticed the weak sunlight streaming through the drawn drapes in his bedroom.
“Where’s Jen?” Megan asked plaintively, a puzzled frown forming on her face as she stepped fully into the room, abandoning any attempt at being quiet. “I didn’t hear anyone going into the bathroom.”
Jared’s throat closed up but he forced himself to speak through it. “He, uh… he left. Late last night, or early this morning… I didn’t really check the time. Whenever he woke up.” After he had helplessly begun sobbing apologies. After he had relived awful horrors with Jared helpless to do anything but try to rouse him gently. After he had curled up into the Alpha for a few minutes, clutching on to him while those awful, broken little sounds ripped from his throat.
But Megan didn’t need to know all that.
“And you just let him go?!” His sister went from concerned confusion to anger so abruptly that it made Jared blink slightly in surprise. “Jesus, Jared, what the hell’s the matter with you?” Her tone made him wince, but Megan didn’t seem to be feeling particularly gracious because she just pressed on. “Your mate needs you, and you just let him-…”
“I don’t think he needs me, Meg, I think he needs the opposite of that, okay?” he cut her off, an odd mix of weary and sharp. Because he knew that she was acting out of worry, he forced himself to soften his voice. It wasn’t fair to snap when she didn’t even know what was going on. “He’s… upset. Understandably so. I think he needs some space from me, since...” The words cut his throat like they were blades but Jared was determined not to take any more from Jensen than he already had. “You wouldn’t understand, Meg.”
Megan sighed gustily and came to sit next to him. For a moment, she said nothing. Her hand rubbed light circles against his hunched back and to her credit, she waited until he relaxed a fraction before she started talking. “You’re right, Jared,” she agreed softly. “I don’t understand. I don’t understand, and neither do you, because we’ve been lucky enough to never know the feeling of losing a parent. Jensen, on the other hand, just lost a fourth. Neither of us could possibly understand that kind of grief and loss… but what I do understand, is that grief tears people inside out. Whatever happened to make you stay here instead of going after your hurting mate? You can’t hold that against him, Jare, you gotta let him get that stuff out of his system.”
“But he didn’t say anything that wasn’t true, Meg,” the Alpha shook his head, burying his hands in his hair. “Everything he said...”
“You’re projecting,” she interrupted him, and her voice had sharpened a little again with impatience. “Did you ever think that maybe Jensen targeted exactly what you needed to hear so that you don’t come after him? So that you don’t have to watch him self-destruct? Did you even feel any resentment from him over your bond?”
Jared thought back to the moment that he felt he had lost his mate. He’d been trying to urge Jensen into a hug, thinking that his lover needed to break and wanting to hold him together while he did, but… Jensen was hardly a typical person. He was strong and fierce, and it took a hell of a lot for him to break. This would do it, but what if his mate thought he had to stand that alone? Because who else had been there for him the other three times it had happened?
And no. He hadn’t felt any anger directed towards him from Jensen, not even now. All he could feel was intense anguish, and knowing that it was only a fraction of his mate’s feelings, Jared hardly knew how his lover was still functioning.
He was an idiot.
Standing abruptly, Jared paced a little, torn viciously between his instinct to take off running to wherever his mate was, and that little shred of uncertainty that was keeping him from doing just that. Whether or not Jensen was angry didn’t change the fact that all of this could have been avoided if Jared had simply listened to what his mate had been trying to say, instead of rushing off to exact some form of street justice on Adam. That was still on his head and fuck, how was Jared supposed to apologize for that, exactly?
It doesn’t matter, he realized in the next breath. Because whatever gets thrown at me while I’m figuring it out, I can take, long as he’s not left alone in his grief.
That was really all it came down to. Making sure that his mate wasn’t ever alone in his pain, not ever again. Jared didn’t have the power to change the kind of awful, heartbreaking past that Jensen had been privy to, but he had the power to make certain of the fact that history would never repeat itself.
Brusquely, he nodded to himself and came to sit next to Megan again, grabbing the shoes at the foot of his bed and pulling them on. “You’re right,” he told her needlessly, sensing more than seeing it when his little sister adopted a faintly smug smile. “I can’t let him go through this alone.”
“A wise conclusion that I’m so proud of you for coming to all on your own.”
He spared her a brief grin. “You’re spending too much time with Jensen,” he commented with a shake of his head, because he knew quite well that his sister hadn’t been nearly so sarcastic and dry before his mate had begun spending time with her. He ruffled her hair as he stood up.
“Bring him home, Jare,” Megan said suddenly, and her voice was small, reminiscent of the little pup he’d grown up with. That, more than anything, told him exactly how much his sister loved his mate. He could hear the pain that she felt for him, and in any other circumstance, it would have warmed his heart to know that Jensen was so accepted and loved in the Padalecki family. “Remind him that he hasn’t lost everything, not this time around.”
Impulsively, he pulled the young beta into a hug, dropping a kiss to the top of her head when she clung to him. “You got it, Megz.”
~*Jensen*~
Jensen almost wished that the house was still full of blood and broken furniture. The very least punishment he deserved was to be forced to clean the evidence of the carnage that had been wrought through his own decisions and short-sightedness.
But alas, as he stood in the doorway of his room, Jensen couldn’t see even a droplet of the blood that had painted its walls no more than a few hours ago. He could only guess that some of the wolves in the pack had been on clean-up duty because the wrecked furniture had also been cleared out, leaving behind only his bed, dresser and a few other knickknacks that had survived the devastation.
He couldn’t bring himself to go any further than the doorway; it made the artist wonder how he would have managed cleaning up on his own, punishment or not, and he decided in that moment that he owed whoever had done it for him in a big way. Honestly, Jensen wasn’t sure that he would ever be able to walk into that room again.
Not without being reminded of Erik’s prone corpse lying in a veritable sea of blood.
The thought had no sooner crossed his mind before Jensen found himself on his knees hugging the toilet, dry heaving as his stomach rebelled against nothing. It was a few minutes before he could stop, tears mixing with sweat as he stumbled into the hall and made it as far as the staircase before curling into a miserable ball on the top step. Grief slammed into him all over again, flaying him raw as he fought to keep from crying. Gripped tufts of his hair in his fists just so he had a different pain to focus on. Anything so that he didn’t give into the agony, because once he did…
…once he did, there would be no stopping it.
It was in that same position, some indeterminate amount of time later, when Chris found him. His best friend was at his side in just a few strides, steps taken two and three at a time, an arm winding around his shoulder and pulling him into a hug without words.
Somehow, it was precisely what Jensen needed.
For a few minutes they just sat there, Chris hugging him tight enough to hold him together and Jensen clinging on like the other boy was the only thing keeping him from going adrift at sea. It was easier to retain his grip on composure around Kane than it was around Jared, because the latter had a knack for stripping away all of Jensen’s walls and defenses. Chris, on the other hand, allowed him to fake it till he made it, so to speak.
“Thought you were going to be at Jared’s,” Kane eventually said, voice low and gently curious.
Pulling away slowly, green eyes flickered briefly shut as Jensen rubbed his temples. “Not a good idea right now,” was all he said in response, pointedly not elaborating.
Just how exactly could he explain that Jared had the ability to render him defenseless against his own explosive grief? And explain that Jensen wasn’t totally sure of his own capacity to be put back together in the aftermath of that?
Easy. He didn’t.
Being the best friend that he was, Chris took the not-so-subtle hint for what it was and dutifully kept quiet, only speaking again as he followed Jensen when the future Beta dragged himself to his feet and trudged down the stairs.
“Come to our place, then,” the alpha suggested quietly as Jensen flipped the light in the kitchen on and began rummaging through drawers with the least amount of grace he could conceivably manage. Over the clutter and clang as Jen tossed around duct tape and super glue and buttons and – what the fuck were they doing with a remote control to what looked like a mechanized gate? – Chris tried to gently point out, “You need to get some rest, man.”
Jensen threw the drawer shut with restrained aggression that he hoped his best friend knew wasn’t directed at him. “I don’t need rest. I need Er-… I need his old address book. I need to call people when it gets light out.” Distracted as he was by the notion, green eyes flicked towards the clock that hung above the breakfast nook. “What are you doing out here anyway? It’s almost 2am.”
“I hadn’t really left yet,” Chris admitted lightly. “I went to dump the last of the dirt and was coming back to try and board up the front door when I heard you.”
The matter-of-fact tone combined with the little shrug that Kane gave told Jensen volumes more than his best friend might have, if left to his own devices. Another lump joined the one that seemed permanently stuck in his throat since he woke up and Jensen couldn’t help briefly wondering what on earth he could have possibly done in this lifetime or the last to deserve the people he had.
Without preamble, he drew his best friend into a tight hug. “Go home, brother,” he muttered, voice a little gruff as he strained to keep from showing how much it felt like he was going to rip apart at the seams. “Go be with Soph and Tessa and don’t you dare come back here, okay?”
Just as Jensen had understood without asking, exactly how hard it had to have been for Chris to be in the middle of the destruction so reminiscent of his own past trauma, the alpha also understood that his future Beta wasn’t pushing him away; simply taking back his position and trying to protect Chris. Protect him from the memories of the horror that they were now forced to share.
Jensen should have known better, though. They had, after all, been brothers before they had become pack.
“M’not leaving you here alone with this, Freckles,” Chris stated quietly, his conviction present in the burning blue of his eyes. In his own show of stubbornness, the alpha traipsed to the other side of the kitchen, opening up another drawer with decidedly less force than Jensen had used. “Now. What does this address book look like?”
~*Micky*~
From his position, Mikhail Ozera scanned the darkness outside through the window. He knew, maybe better than most, exactly the kind of dangers and perils that hid in the unassuming night, and unlike the rest of his extended family, Micky knew that it was only wise to exercise the kind of caution he had, over the years.
Caution was the reason that he was… and they… and Jensen…
A world weary sigh slipped from his lips at the thought of his pseudo-nephew. Concern and fear churned his gut, making him wish more than anything that he could throw all those years of caution to the wind and just keep driving until he found the kid’s house.
But then, he was never as brave as some others he knew.
“Madz, honey, maybe this is a mistake,” he muttered, torment clear in his voice as he thought of the part that he was playing in Jensen’s sorrow and pain. “Nobody was supposed to die from all this. Jensen was never supposed to be in the position he was in today.”
Logically, he knew that the only fault he had in this whole thing, was keeping secrets from his Shamanic student. But wasn’t that bad enough? If he just told Jensen the truth, told him everything, then wouldn’t that give him a chance to prepare for the future? To mount a defense, at least?
Before she could say anything, Micky impatiently continued, running an agitated hand through his hair. “I know, I know… if we tell him any more than he already knows, we could be jeopardizing the integrity of the Treaty. But it feels wrong, Maddie, it feels like I’m setting him up for more pain.”
Because you are, a voice in his head accused faintly, sounding as disgusted with him as he felt with himself in that moment. You’re standing idly by and watching everything unfold even knowing what you know. Knowing the pain he will go through. All for one person.
But wasn’t that the meaning of love? Forsaking everything and everyone when the one you loved needed you? And he loved her. By the Gods, did he love her.
“Forgive me, my old friend,” Mikhail whispered regretfully under his breath, closing his eyes as he pictured the smiling face of his best friend. Sean Ackles would have been the furthest from smiling if Micky had the courage or the power to establish a connection with him, he knew. But what Micky was doing was for the greater good. It was for the long run. One day, Sean and Jensen both would understand.
Turning around to face the love of his life, Micky swallowed back another sigh. “Alright, Madz,” he nodded slightly, trying to clear his mind. “Let’s get cracking, huh? There isn’t much time now, until all of this is over.”
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