Archive of Our Own ^beta

The first time they met it was in the Louvre. Hongjoong had been with his eyes glued to a painting for five minutes or more, not moving, the headphones with the translated explanations in his ears and his eyebrows together in a confused frown. It was like even though he could listen to the explanation in his own language, he couldn’t quite figure out what was going on right in front of him. What Chris noted after his confused expression, was how his lips turned down at the sides, just lightly, and his teeth poked out a little when he had his lips parted, giving him this aura of cuteness.

Chris thought it was adorable. From his confused frown to how he was obviously left behind by the group of Korean students that had already moved to another room. He should have been with his own group, Chris knows, but like the boy analyzing the painting, he got lost taking in every detail of him. His feet carry him to the stranger, and he stands beside him, trying to keep his eyes on the painting but definitely distracted by the presence beside him. He doesn't know if more people are around them, but he hears the footsteps on the wooden floor going away, maybe an accidental privacy for them. His oversized clothes look like they had been customized, like the messenger bag hanging off his shoulder, and his platinum - almost silver - hair don’t look damaged at all. He has a sharp jawline and his profile could be used as inspiration for any of the sculptures he had seen previously in the museum.

It’s when the boy takes his headphones off and turns to him that Chris notices he had been staring. “Hi,” he says in Korean, and his voice is soft, velvety and delicate. Chris smiles and answers him also in Korean, thanking his parents mentally for making him learn the language even if he barely ever used it outside his home in Sydney.

They find out they’re part of the same college exchange program, Hongjoong coming from South Korea and Chris from Australia. They talk about it over ice cream while they walk around the Carrousel du Louvre, eyes scanning the stores and taking pictures of each other – it's a favor, they agree - as they share information like they’ve known each other for years. “Are you staying the whole summer?” Hongjoong asks while they leave the building, their guides organizing the groups they should have been following, telling the students about the schedule for the day.

“The whole summer. I just got here yesterday,” Chris says, fishing his phone from his pocket.

“I did too!” Hongjoong smiles and takes the phone from his hands, typing in something. “I have the night off, let’s compare schedules and meet again.” He hands Chris his phone back, and with a smile that could win a million hearts, he’s gone, blending in with his group.

They meet again that night for pizza.

It’s a mess because none of them can speak French, but they both try, using translators online and mimics. When they finally manage to get their food, they sit together to compare their schedules and learn they’re enrolled in the same summer course, in the same college, and will be living in the same dorm. Different rooms, obviously, but that’s close enough.

They will visit the same places on the same days, and will get the same days off.

At least for their first month.

It's funny how they connect instantly, like they have planned this, and even the other students question them if they knew each other already. At that, they exchange a quick glance and it's Hongjoong that answers them with a quiet “may be from another life.”

After that, they meet for dinner every night. Hongjoong’s roommate was from China, he was a quiet guy majoring in fashion design, he could speak a little bit of Korean but tended to keep it to himself, mostly laughing at everyone else's shenanigans. Hongjoong liked him, said he was a good photographer with a neat fashion sense.

Meanwhile, Chris got himself a Thai roommate, who was loud and liked telling jokes now and then. His English was impeccable and he was majoring in architecture, kept telling him about the buildings he’d visited and the history of everything.

They were a good subject, their roommates. And even though they were fun and nice to be around, Hongjoong and Chris found themselves escaping their rooms to meet in the garden or the common area every night. They talk about life, about movies, share the music they like and tell stories about home, and when they least expect they would see the sky turning a lighter blue, indicating the short summer night was over and they had to be up for another day.

By the end of the second week, Chris knows there’s no turning back, he’s in love.

By the beginning of their third week, they decide to visit Versailles during their day off. It’s funny, to say the least. Hongjoong is impressed by the smallest things, from the silk used on the walls to the knowledge that the golden things are - in fact - gold. He’s also shocked by the story, about Marie Antoinette and the Bastille. And even in the crowded long and high saloon with all the pictures hanging on both walls and tourists stopping to check them, Hongjoong manages to stand out. There are too many people and Chris uses that as an excuse to hold Hongjoong’s hand, and he pretends he doesn’t notice the smile on his lips.

It’s when they’re in the garden that the first drops start to fall. Chris feels it first, and then Hongjoong is frowning and cursing at the sky, taking Chris’s hand and dragging him to a corner where they can take shelter. It’s just a summer storm, but it falls heavy with lightning and thunders, soaking the ground and the gardens around them. Far in the distance, they hear people running and laughing, trying to get out of there dry enough. “It’ll be gone soon,” Chris says, and when he doesn’t get a reply he looks beside him to see Hongjoong smiling, eyes on him. He’s the one that initiates it, his lips pressed on Chris’, hesitating, testing. Scared that maybe he was reading it all wrong.

When he pulls back his eyes search for an answer, and Chris gives it to him. With both hands on his face, he kisses Hongjoong again. It's a good story to tell people later, that they made out in Versailles.

They don’t give it a name, and they don’t talk about it. It’s a common understanding that they’re exclusive, and that they should spend every free second they have together. And if they happen to be traveling to the same place, they will stand together. That’s what happens when they visit the Château du Chambord. Hongjoong has no shame in holding his hand, and they take a thousand pictures together: selfies, pictures of each other, on the stairs, laying on the grass, and even eat together. A funny moment sticks to Chris, when Hongjoong finds the souvenir coin machine. They had stopped while leaving the Louvre to get themselves one, and then at Versailles, and now Hongjoong seems adamant to collect all the coins he can find. The smile on his face and the sparkles in his eyes when he gets it is priceless.

When they head to the hotel they buy themselves a bottle of white wine, bribe their roommates, and stay in a room together. That’s the first time they go beyond the kissing and casual touching, and the hardest thing to do is to hold those three words and not say them.

To wake up next to Hongjoong, hair all over the place, lips parted and skin harboring some of the memories from the night before makes Chan’s heart skip several beats. At that moment he wishes this was his every morning.

It’s when they’re in Montmartre that Hongjoong brings it up. They’re sitting on the stairs of the Sacré-Cœur Basilica, drinking what might be their fourth bottle of water of the day, when Hongjoong points to the Eiffel Tower in the distance. “Can we go there?” It's too hot, and he contemplates jogging to the guy selling ice cream to get them some, but instead moves his eyes to where Hongjoong is pointing.

“Of course!” Chan doesn’t even think twice, and later when they’re in line for hours to buy tickets, and then in line for more hours to finally go up, he wishes he did. “People say it’s pretty up there,” he says unaware of the hell they will go through later.

“I guess so. It’s more like an achievement. Who comes to France and skips a visit to the Eiffel Tower? It’s like avoiding the Louvre!” He says and takes another sip of his water. “I had no idea it was this hot here.”

Chris laughs.

Teachers and instructors have sent them the itinerary for the following days late at night, and most are only seeing it in the morning, over breakfast. Hongjoong seems very awake, while Chris is still trying to figure out why there’s a mug of coffee in front of him when he doesn’t even like coffee. “We’re leaving before noon,” Hongjoong’s soft-spoken voice brings him back to reality.

“Huh?” He asks and probably looks pathetic. “Where?” Chris frowns and his hand reaches for the cup of orange juice he knows he took.

“The UK, tomorrow,” he laughs and points the mug of coffee. “Drink some, it will help you wake up.”

“But I don’t like it,” Chris whines and takes the mug anyway. He takes a small sip and makes a face. “Bitter!”

He’s too busy trying to rid his taste buds off it with orange juice to take note of Hongjoong’s giggles. “You have to put sugar first, babe!” And the nickname wakes him up faster than any amount of caffeine, because it’s cute and it’s the first time he hears it coming from Hongjoong. He smiles, and Hongjoong’s cheeks are red as he tries to focus on adding sugar to the coffee. It’s adorable and interesting, and when Joong hands him the mug again - promising it’s way better now - he holds his hand and brings it to his lips, whispering a soft ‘thanks, babe’ back.

It’s a ferry boat trip.

First, they go to Calais by bus, separated, and Chris wonders if he’s starting to suffer from separation anxiety as he looks out the window and takes pictures of a thing or two, wondering if Hongjoong saw them too. He thinks about Hongjoong the whole ride actually, and even Bambam - his roommate - makes fun of him now and then. “It's just a few hours, Chris! Is he going to Sydney with you?” He says at some point, after Chris shows him a set of pictures they took together at the Chambord.

“No. He’s currently living in Seoul, he shares an apartment with two friends, if I’m not wrong.” Chris knows what’s coming even before Bambam says it, because there’s a look and eyebrows raised.

Bambam seems to think before he speaks, though, to which Chris is grateful. “Enjoy every second together, then. Three months go by too fast,” he smirks. “I’m in if you need to exchange bedrooms again. Minghao was very nice and quite funny, I don’t think he would be opposed to letting you both room together again.”

Chris sighs and nods. He would like that very much. Bambam throws him another look and opens his mouth because he wants to say something more, and Chris waits. He waits and wonders what else he’s about to say, but Bambam just shakes his head and puts his headphones on, choosing to leave it at that.

In the ferry, the trip is very uneventful. A guy from Hongjoong’s group wasn’t feeling too well, suffering from motion sickness, so everyone stayed close to him almost all the time. It was only when they were arriving that Hongjoong got to sit with Chan for a cup of juice - coffee for him! - watching them coming closer to the port. “I really love the sea,” he confessed to Chan with a small smile, eyes on the waves breaking against the white rocks on the coast of Dover.

They don't stay long, though. Hongjoong's roommate (in theory, let the guides believe this) - Minghao his name - insisted he took some pictures of him near the cliffs, and Bambam joined, dragging Chris along to help them. They have lunch close to the port, and sooner than they'd like the guides and the professors are ushering them all back in the buses. It'll be an almost two-hour drive until London, they say. Before they board again, Hongjoong holds Chris' hand and pulls him closer for a quick kiss. "I'm going to nap, if I don't answer your messages, that's what happened, alright?" he says in that calm, soft tone Chris is growing to love more each day. He nods and kisses his cheek before he lets him go.

Sana, the Japanese student in their group eyes him with a smirk before she giggles and climbs back on the bus. Oh, the wonders of being the tour's favorite couple.

London is relatively colder than anywhere in France, and the moment they're left in the dormitory, everyone is looking for a light jacket to wear. It's not cold, it's still summer, it's still okay to wear light clothes, but the difference in temperature can be noticed. They check-in and are immediately taken out again for the city tour.

Hongjoong says a quick 'hi' to Chris when he passes him by the lobby, getting dragged outside by his group, and disappears in their bus. Chris laughs and hangs with Bambam during the rest of the tour, getting messages from Joong telling him he's bored and they should go visit this and that without their teachers later.

It's a good thing, he thinks, that Joong keeps thinking of him as much as he thinks of Joong.

"You and your boyfriend are very cute," Sana tells him when they stop to take pictures with the group at the London Bridge. Chris chokes on his chocolate milk and eyes her with eyebrows raised.

"He's not my boyfriend!" he protests, he knows the tips of his ears are as red as her hair. "Yet," Chris adds because he can hope, dream, wish. He's not sure which, if all.

Sana giggles cutely and slaps his arm. "I can tell this is not just a summer fling. Smile!" She says and points the camera taking pictures of them. He does smile, like nothing is happening. "You two click. I thought at first that you knew each other already, but then I asked Bam," she keeps going and Chris turns his head to her with a small frown. So Bambam had been gossiping about him, interesting, great friend he found, "and he said you two met here. It's cute. France is a good place to find love, you started off well."

That alone has him overthinking on their whole way back to the hotel, but he pushes it aside as soon as Hongjoong messages him to meet him in the lobby cause they're going out. And by going out Hongjoong meant they were going to walk aimlessly around London, window shopping in Oxford Street and tasting street food that wasn't even that tasty but looked so pretty they took pictures of everything. It's dark already when they stop by the Marble Arch. From there they take the underground back to Earl's Court, where they're staying. "I had fun," Hongjoong says as they stand by the platform.

Chris nods, his bag feeling heavier with all the silly things they bought while walking around. "I did too. I think I feel more at ease here because of the language."

Hongjoong nods in agreement. "I guess I do too, my English is far from good still, but I understand it better than French." And they step inside when the train arrives. They sit down and two boys around their age sit right in front of them. As soon as they do, they scoot closer to one another, foreheads touching, giggling and kissing. Chris notices how Hongjoong goes stiff for a second, and with wide eyes looks around, checking the other people, and just relaxes when he realizes no one is even looking at the couple in front of them. Slowly, but carefully, he scoots closer to Chris and rests his head on his shoulder. It's like he's testing the waters, and he just breathes again when nobody pays attention to them. Chris wraps an arm around Joong's shoulders and keeps him safe all the way back.

The time they spend in London is short-lived, with classes happening in the morning, leaving them the whole afternoon to roam around and the free weekends to explore the city as they wish. Hongjoong falls head over heels for Camden Town's shops. They go there twice and spend the whole day looking for second-hand clothes and accessories Hongjoong says are easy to reform. He even says he can do some during the trip and chooses Chris a jeans jacket he says he'll fix and make it look great.

They stop in front of a tattoo parlor, both curious, but Hongjoong is the brave one that steps inside first. He looks around and communicates with the person behind the counter, looking at Chris for help now and then, and a few minutes later he comes back out, a new piercing gracing his left ear. "As a memory!" he says, and Chris agrees. He thinks and thinks about it, and the next day they go back to Camden, and Chris gets his ear pierced too.

They make a pact to eat in cheap places to save money to have fun, and the only time they actually spend more is when their group insists they go to a pub together. "It's not the full experience if we don't go to a pub to eat and drink!"

And the food is delicious, they have to give their friends that. Hongjoong drinks two pints, and at some point he has to close his small hand on Chris' wrist, giggling about how he feels way too tipsy already. Chris feels high himself, not enough to lose the sense of his actions, but enough to laugh louder than he usually would, and to be a little more touchy with Hongjoong in public.

Maybe that's one of the reasons Hongjoong doesn't hesitate to take his hand when they walk back home, skipping lines on the pavement and kissing him when they stop to wait for Bambam to take pictures of Sana and Minghao acting like Burberry models in front of a billboard. It feeçs like home, to be in Hongjoong's arms with people they grew to care for, laughing and joking, not a care in the world.

Stratford-Upon-Avon is a mess when they get there, lots of tourists and people moving back and forth trying to visit William Shakespeare's house. There are actors in the streets dressed up and acting Shakespeare's plays, and the teachers give up trying to keep everyone together. As soon as lunchtime hits, they go missing and leave their students to fend for themselves. "I'm going to a bookstore and I'll meet you back at the bus," Sana announces, munching on a sandwich she acquired somewhere, Chris thinks she kept it in her bag from their breakfast, but he's not sure. They're on the move and they're still going to take the road after lunch, on their way to Liverpool. Bambam is gone in a second after that, claiming he needs to check the buildings because the architecture there is way too unique, and Minghao follows him, maybe to give them both some alone time. Hongjoong suggests that since they don't have much time, they could just grab a snack to go and walk around the small town, and Chan agrees. They fill their bags with things they can eat in the bus and hand-in-hand walk around Stratford-Upon-Avon.

"Have you been talking to people at home? Sending them the pictures you take here?" Chris asks, rubbing his thumb over Hongjoong's knuckles. He shakes his head a little, and then tilts it to the side.

He hums. "Not really, I sent the boys some pictures, but they're busy with their summer jobs," he takes a sip of the juice they bought to fill their stomachs and continues, "Mingi is the one that asks the most, and Yunho messages me saying he misses me. Wooyoung and Seonghwa asked me for a picture of you when I told them, but I guess I'd rather show them everything when I get back. Have you?"

Chris wants to ask him about his parents. Aren't they worried? He knows his parents are alive, this much they talked about when they met, but that was the only time Hongjoong mentioned them. "Oh, sure! Lucas and Hannah are jealous, they told mom and dad they want to travel too," he giggles. "They don't say they miss me, I think they're fine with me being away!"

They both laugh at this, having talked about the Bang siblings shenanigans a few times to know they are probably thrilled to have their older brother far away for three whole months.

Hongjoong turned the air conditioning on, not too high, just enough to rid them of the heat. He had showered first, and was now on one of the beds, belly down as he played on his phone. When Chris leaves the bathroom wiping his hair with a towel, the first thing he notices is how his already short black shorts had ridden up to expose more of his thighs. His white tank top is a little too big for his small frame, and his hair tied up in a very tiny ponytail makes him look downright adorable. Chris drops the towel on the empty chair by the desk and walks to him, puts one knee on each side of Hongjoong’s thighs, and lowers himself on him. The younger doesn’t seem surprised, just keeps typing on his phone, now with a smile on his face. “Hi, Chris,” he says and he presses his hands on Joong’s lower back, leaning down to kiss the back of his neck. “Hi, Joong,” he says, trailing kisses down the side of his neck, to his shoulder. They had arrived in Liverpool in the late afternoon, were taken to The Beatles Museum – their teachers looked like they were close to tears, big fans -, and for a city tour. They have a day to do some studying and then they will be traveling again. Chris doesn’t even remember where to at this point, he's too tired to think. “Do you want to push the bed together again?” He asks against the skin of Hongjoong’s shoulder. It’s something they do whenever they can, push the double beds together to make it one. It’s more comfortable. When that isn’t possible, they just share one single bed anyway. “Hm, yes!” Hongjoong drops his phone and closes his eyes, enjoying the feeling of his lips. “Are you tired?” Chris asks as he pulls back and rolls off Hongjoong, who gives him a small grin and narrows his eyes, as if considering it.

“A little, feels like I’ve been run over by a truck. I swear, when our professor said we were making a U-turn because your professor wanted us to visit a statue on the road, I thought about murder. I considered it.” Hongjoong says, laughing a little, and Chris laughs along, remembering the moment it happened. It was a weird statue with some historical meaning he couldn’t quite remember, and there was a whole story behind it, but everyone just wanted to get to the hotel as soon as possible. “It’s amusing to me that no one did it. For a second there I thought the buff dude in your group would,” Chris laughs.

“Him? He wouldn’t hurt a fly. I’m way more dangerous, I go for the knees!” Hongjoong made a gesture indicating he would punch something. It was cute how he could look so cute but menacing at the same time. He had a hold on Chris’ heart, and he had a feeling Hongjoong didn’t even know it. He just laughs it off, trying to rid his brain of that thought.

Chris wakes up early, too early. He has always had trouble sleeping, but when he has to wake up early and leave at a certain time, it’s like his body finds it impossible to rest. He can see light coming through the curtains, and when peeks at the clock on the bedside table he sees it’s just a little past five. Hongjoong is in his arms, head resting on his chest, hands closed in fists, and heavy breathing. He doesn’t want to move and wake him up, they stayed up late talking and making out, too tired to go any further than this. He looks at the ceiling, hearing nothing but the silence and occasional noise of the lift coming up and down. Hongjoong moves his head and when Chris looks down he finds him staring, one eyebrow raised in question. “Is everything alright?”

He nods with a smile, running his fingers through Hongjoong’s hair. His roots are starting to grow, it looks cute. “It’s too early, go back to sleep,” he can tell Hongjoong is about to fall asleep again, but he lifts his body enough to plant a kiss on his lips. “I’ll keep you company,” he smiles and lays his head back down before he asks him how early it is. When Chris tells him, he earns a groan and a list of complaints that don’t stop until Hongjoong drags him to take a shower together.

From Liverpool to Alnwick it’s an almost four-hour drive if they go without stopping, but that’s not the case. They find yet another tourist spot on the road, and students on both buses keep begging for bathroom stops. It happens to be an almost five-hour drive, and it’s past noon when they arrive at the castle they need to visit. It’s an interesting visit, to say the least. They happen to walk by several decorations of dogs that look way too real for comfort, and later find out they’re all taxidermy. Chris feels himself shiver and Hongjoong shamelessly takes his hand and doesn’t let go until they have to get back on the bus. It earns them a look from the professors, and a smirk from one of the guides. He notices how Hongjoong tenses up and drops his hand with the excuse to check something on his phone.

He wishes Hongjoong would talk to him, tell him what bothers him about it, but he doesn’t want to push it and neither how to start this kind of talk.

They have to drive for one more hour before they stop in Durham for the night. They consider escaping, but the moment they walk out of the hotel they realize everything is closed and staying in is the best option. In the morning they should leave again, they need to be in Glasgow by lunchtime.

“So then it’s Edinburgh,” Hongjoong says as he checks his schedule on the phone. Chris munches on a carrot and nods. “Yes. We’ll be staying there for a while, won’t we?” He asks because he doesn’t have his schedule opened, and Hongjoong just nods, eyes on the screen. “One week in Glasgow, two in Edinburgh. Then a weekend off and we go to Inverness, to visit the Loch Ness!” There’s excitement in his voice and Chris can’t help feeling excited too. It’s something he has always wanted to see, the Loch Ness and the Nessie, and to know Hongjoong will be there with him makes it all better. “Then we have the tour time. Classes will be over and we’ll travel back to France to visit the rest of the places, more castles, more cathedrals...” Hongjoong rolls his eyes sets his phone aside, poking his food with his fork.

Chris frowns a little but chooses to avoid the subject, it was the end of their second month. Two months had gone by too fast, and four weeks only consisted of thirty days, and suddenly his food doesn’t taste that good anymore. The air seemed harder to breathe and he wondered if it would be too much if he excused himself to take some air outside. He doesn’t, though, because Hongjoong takes his hand and squeezes it, and suddenly he remembers his therapist back at home telling him to live one day at a time.

He needs to make every day count.

They’re dragged out again in Glasgow, it’s a night club this time, with loud EDM playing and drunk people being way too touchy. It’s only after their third drink that Hongjoong asks if he wants to dance, and even though his brain says “no” his body finds itself pulling Hongjoong to the dance floor with him. The loud music combined with the lights make his head lighter. As they dance Hongjoong looks ethereal, and if they weren’t together yet, this would be Chris’ breaking point, he would be all over him. Pretty much like he is now, hands on his hips as they grind against each other. He doesn’t remember much about how they got back in their room, but he remembers the lights off, Hongjoong's fingers in his hair, their skins against each other, and how desperate they were for this.

The next day they wake up hungover and a little late for class.

Time in Glasgow flies. Mostly because none of them could spend a whole night inside, the city has só many possibilities they don't waste time trying to get to know as many places they can, always escaping for clubs and pubs to eat, to walk around town or watch a band play here and there. Chris took notes of all the artists Hongjoong dragged them all out to watch, and joined him in all the technical talks about sounds and rhythms, about how the lyrics matched the feeling or didn’t. It was exciting to see Hongjoong in his element, and it was evident how much he loved that, how much music meant to him. He had stars in his eyes when he watched someone play, and he seemed to float when he was talking about it.

It was a beautiful scene.

Edinburgh is colder, again. The new dorms are individuals in this university they’re staying, and the classes start earlier. After a week in Glasgow, they’re all drained, and the first couple days are very quiet. Chris meets Hongjoong in his room every day after class, and they find themselves in a small secret garden hidden in an entrance in High Street, where they sit and study for a good part of the afternoon. There's a bench, some trees and it looks like something out of a book or a fairy tale movie. The pictures Chris takes of Hongjoong sitting among the greenery and reading looks like art. On their way back from the castle, they stop by one of the many kilt stores, and are instantly dragged inside by a tall, broad man that explains them all about the different tartans. He pushes one towards Hongjoong. “Try it!” He says with a smile, and he seems taken aback by the man, who pushes another one towards Chris, “you try one too!” He laughs.

Hongjoong takes the kilt in his hands, examining it, and puts in front of himself to check how it looks. Chris wears his one over his shorts and skips to watch himself in the mirror. While he’s there, he hears the seller tell Hongjoong that his boyfriend looks good in it.

For a second he thinks Hongjoong will freak out, but he laughs and their eyes meet in the mirror. “He does,” he tells the seller. It shouldn’t have, but butterflies start to fly in his stomach. It's later that day when they're sitting on Chris' bed in the dormitory that Hongjoong tells him all about Minghao, because Chris wondered about how close he is to Bambam at this point. “He has a boyfriend!” Hongjoong laughs. “I think it's Junhui or something, he was supposed to be here with us but he had to stay home. He's getting a degree in gastronomy back in China, and he was invited to be an intern in this really fancy restaurant. Minghao said it was a once in a lifetime opportunity, then Junhui stayed and he came.” He smiles. “They talk every night, I would be really angry if he cheated with Bambam!”

Chris nods, now interested in the story. “I don't even know if Bambam is into boys, don't go for anyone's knees!” He laughs, and Hongjoong giggles. “Is Bambam even his name? I don't know much about Thai names...” Hongjoong questions and Chris shrugs, “he told me to call him that, might as well be!”

Hongjoong is fuelled by coffee, every morning they stop by Starbucks or Costa Café to buy him coffee before they start classes. After class, he gets coffee again, and if he doesn’t, the moment they stop moving, he falls asleep. His favorite spot is Chris’ shoulder, but the nearest table is a close second. It's cute because most times he resembles a hipster model on his way to break some hearts in a photoshoot for his Vsco, holding his cup in a hand and his beat-up messenger bag hanging off his shoulder, sunglasses on, ripped jeans and reformed shoes. He looks smaller than he really is – they're the exact same height! -, and heads turn wherever he goes. “You’re a lost cause,” Bambam tells him one day, when they’re all sprawled in the common area, Hongjoong in a corner with his headphones on, a cup of iced coffee beside him, working on his music. That’s exactly what Chris should be doing, but he’s busy watching how Hongjoong rests his forehead against the keyboard when he needs to think. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Chris giggles and glances at his screen. What was he doing again?

Bambam puts his book down and turns to him. “Chris, talk to me. I’m worried,” Bambam starts and Chris turns to him with a questioning look. “Three weeks, you two have three weeks at most. It was cute at first, and for a summer fling it sounded perfect, but you’re in love, aren’t you?”

The easy answer was short, ‘yes’ would suffice. But the situation didn’t allow him to answer him that easy. “I don’t really want to talk about it,” Chris starts but Bambam raises a hand, glancing at Hongjoong - clueless to the world outside his headphones - and back at him to continue. “No, but you have to talk about it. You’ll drag this on for the rest of the trip and then what? Wave him goodbye and pretend you’ll see each other the next day?”

Chris frowns, thinking. “That’s not a bad idea, actually...”

“It is!” Bambam interrupts him again. “Does he know that you’re in love with him?” That makes an invisible hand take a hold of his chest, squeezes his lungs, and pushes it down to his stomach. “I never told him,” he whispers, eyes on the boy he has such strong feelings for. “Will you?” Bambam asks, and Chris just smiles. His eyes move to the green, yellow, blue, and pink bars on his computer, going up and down on the screen to connect and make a melody. “I don’t know, maybe I-“ a shriek gets them all out of their heads and their eyes follow the sound to find Hongjoong furiously wiping his lap, iced coffee all over him. Chris laughs and Bambam gives him a look.

In the end, he is a lost cause.

It’s their first weekend off when Sana and Minghao invite everyone to climb Arthur’s Seat. It’s a big rock in Edinburgh, very tall and very full of tourists hiking to the top. They get a permit and decide to bring food and their cameras, everything they found online says it’s a great place for pictures.

“It’s an extinct volcano,” Minghao says, showing them a picture on his phone the first time they stop to rest, “they say the panoramic view is amazing!” And it is. As soon as they arrive at the top Bambam has his camera out, amazed by how high they are. But it’s never high enough for Hongjoong, who steps on a rock and stands there with his eyes on the horizon. Chris climbs beside him, trying to see what he’s looking at, and he’s not surprised to find the ocean. The sun reflects on it, and the waves extend for miles and miles. Hongjoong has a dreamy smile on his lips, hair blowing wildly by the heavy wind, pushed back by his fingers. From there they can see everything, the castle, Holyrood, the zoo, houses and building, and a city that goes on for miles. A false sense of omniscience falls on him when the details of each corner of the city begin to take shape and become known, a picturesque view he wishes he could imprint on his mind. When the city ends, the North Sea starts. “The ocean gives us this weird idea that if we reach out hard enough, we can go anywhere.” Hongjoong's voice is soft, “I am so far from home...” he whispers, probably not meaning it to be heard, thinking it would be drained by the gust of wind. He sounds happy, the realization hitting him in a good way, like this is exactly what he meant when he hopped on a plane to France.

And Hongjoong looks beautiful.

The sun reflects on his tanned skin, lips glowing and cheekbones adorned by light bleached hair. He turns his head to Chris and smiles with hooded eyes, a small, delicate hand finds his jawline and pulls him closer to press their lips softly together. “I am so, so far from home, Chris,” he says when he pulls back. Hongjoong looks sad, like something had just dawned on him.

And not for the first time, but for completely different reasons, Chris found himself wishing time would slow down for them.

“I will need another bag,” Hongjoong whines the night they’re packing to leave Edinburgh, kneeling on it to try and close it. Chris watches him from where he is, leaning against the desk after he's done packing his laptop. He could help, but he doesn’t, because the situation is funny and cute, and he wants to keep the memory forever to replay that scene in his mind whenever he needs to remind himself of this person. Hongjoong notices the silence and lifts his gaze to him, smiling in confusion. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

He shakes his head, chuckling while he walks to him, kneeling on the bag to smash it while Hongjoong closes it. “I was watching you being cute, that’s all.” Hongjoong giggles and raises his eyebrows. “How can I be cute while I’m struggling to close a bag?” Hongjoong stands up and walks towards the bed, and Chris follows him with his eyes before he’s standing beside him. It’s easy to manhandle him, Chris is broader, stronger. “You’re always cute!” He pulls him closer by the waist and pecks his lips.

Hongjoong wraps his arms around his middle and smiles. “And so are you. Especially when you smile and your dimples show, or when you kiss me but stops in the middle because you have to giggle for whatever reason, or when you wake up but don’t really know where you are and it takes you a long time to come back to reality. You’re cute when you cling to me and hide your face on my shoulder because you’re tired, or embarrassed or just feeling needy. And you’re cute when you talk about things you like, or explains me things I don’t understand, and I-“ and that’s too much. So much Chris needs him to stop, because his heart feels too big for his chest, like it’s going to explode. He stops Hongjoong with a kiss, so desperate and needy that when he pulls back they’re gasping for air. “Hongjoong,” he starts, their foreheads resting against each other, noses rubbing, “Hongjoong I lo-“

“No!” His eyes are wide, and he jumps back a little. “Please, no. Don’t say it. Please, please don’t say it.” His voice cracks a little and he takes a couple steps back. “I’m sorry.”

Chris nods, and smiles despite the ache in his chest, despite feeling like he’s going to explode if he doesn’t say it. Because he doesn’t want to make Hongjoong uncomfortable, and they need to enjoy the time they have left. He takes Hongjoong’s hand and pulls him closer for a tight hug. “I won’t say it. But I do.” Hongjoong clings to him, and Chris wakes up when it’s still dark and silent outside but pretends he doesn’t. Not because it’s too early, but because he can hear the other boy sniffling, shoulders shaking with his back turned to him, out of his reach in more than one way.

It’s when they’re on the boat in the Loch Ness that Chris starts to notice something isn’t quite right. Hongjoong chooses to sit between Minghao and a guy he had never talked to before, and when Chris approaches him he smiles and picks his phone to check on it. So Chris sits with Sana and Bambam, both who throw him a questioning look and he can just shrug in response. Maybe Hongjoong needs some alone time, they have been together since day one, anyway.

He knows he didn’t do anything wrong because up to that morning things were alright, Hongjoong kissed him tenderly before they hoped on their buses on the way to Inverness, and said he would take a nap while they traveled. He doesn't mention the crying and neither does Hongjoong. It’s weird, really, but Chris decides he won’t overthink.

“Did you break up?” It’s Bambam who asks when they arrive at the terminal to catch the train back to France. Hongjoong is glued to his group, not even glancing at him. “I don’t know. I wasn’t informed of it,” Chris says quietly, a bitter taste fills his mouth and he wants to ask Hongjoong what’s going on. The next day, when they arrive, he doesn’t even see the white-haired boy. And when they finally get to Paris by the end of the day, Hongjoong has already checked in with Minghao, and Chris is stuck with Bambam in his room.

He tries really hard to avoid complaining, to smile through the jokes and all, but it sounds fake even for him, and he misses Hongjoong, who's just a few bedrooms away.

Hongjoong doesn’t message him. Not even after he sends him a text asking what is going on, and if they can talk. He sees the messages, but ignores them and that's what gets him, that's the last straw. Because for Chris, there wouldn't be a problem if Hongjoong needed time, or if he wanted to end whatever they have going on, but he needs to know it. To be kept in the dark only makes him feel like the air is too thick for his lungs. “What’s Minghao’s room?” He asks Bambam as soon as he steps out of the shower. “Chris...” Bambam starts but sighs in defeat when he sees the look on his face. “It’s no use going there now, they’re out,” he sits on his bed, facing Chris.

“Out?” Chris frowns. Their guides told them they had rules for the their last week in France as soon as they arrived. They’re forbidden to leave the country, especially if they get drunk because they once lost a student and found him in Italy. They're forbidden to leave Paris, actually. If they could they would forbid them to leave the hotel. They can’t spend the night anywhere that isn’t their hotel, and they have a curfew. By the last night, they will need to have their things packed and ready to leave before noon. Hongjoong’s group leaves a day after them.

“Out. A wine place or something, did you know Minghao is a wine expert? He knows all about it, combinations, which is best, types, stories.” Bambam tries to lighten the mood but Chris only feels his blood go cold. One because Hongjoong is breaking a rule, and two because he can’t hold his liquor very well, he gets all clingy and sweet. He doesn’t know if it’s jealousy, fear of losing someone he had never truly had, or the realization that they have a week left - no! - less than a week left and Hongjoong doesn’t want to spend it with him. It hurts and he feels his hands shaking, but he inhales, closes his eyes and tries to calm down. Bambam is saying something, and he’s just nodding along, because his body feels like electricity is running through his veins, he can’t hear him well through the buzzing in his ears. He stands up, acting on autopilot when he tells him he needs some air, not even sure if the words came out of his mouth or if he thought them before he steps outside their room. He’s bare feet, Chris notices when he feels the carpet against his soles, but he doesn’t turn back, just walks. And it feels like hours until he reaches the lobby.

That’s when he feels pathetic, because the staff stare, like he doesn’t belong there, and someone even asks him if he needs something.

He does.

He says he doesn’t.

Chris turns around and back to the elevator because he doesn't really know where to go from there, it's as if he expected an answer to pop in front of him just by heading to the door. The marble floor is cold, and there's the wind coming from the revolving door that doesn't stop, and people sitting on the black vintage couches frown at him, probably thinking he's a drunk student. He presses the button and waits, hoping the elevator gets there faster, until he hears a well-known giggle, steps and voices accompanied by a gush of wind from where the revolving turned. They stop moving when they see him, he sees it through the corner of his eyes, trying to focus on the lit button in front of him. He resists the need to look at Hongjoong when he hears a ring, steps inside the elevator the second the doors open, presses the button to close it, and goes back to his floor. It’s hard to say how Hongjoong made it there so fast – probably the other elevator, honestly - but he doesn’t even reach the doorknob and Hongjoong is calling his name, running towards him and closing his hand on the sleeve of the sweatshirt he’s wearing. “Chris, please...”

“Please what, Hongjoong?” It’s not his intention to sound so cold, but that’s how it comes out, and he knows it hit Hongjoong like a slap when he drops his hand and looks down. “I messaged you. I’ve been trying to reach you, I've been running after you like an idiot trying to understand what is happening. Did I do something wrong? Did I hurt you? Was it something I said?” Chris shakes his head, he doesn’t raise his voice, because there’s no need and he just wants an answer, this is not a screaming situation, his heartaches and he feels completely lost. Hongjoong looks like he’s not having a better day than he is, he looks pale and there are dark circles under his eyes. He lowers his head and Chris can hear a soft, small “sorry”. When he looks back up he seems to have gotten himself together a little. “Can we talk somewhere else?”

“Oh, now you want to talk-“ Chris starts but the door to his room opens and Bambam is stepping outside. He eyes Hongjoong and frowns. “Make good use of the room. Now, where did you leave him?”

Hongjoong winces a little, “in the lobby.” Bambam nods and leaves, and Chris kind of wants to ask but doesn’t, just points the inside of the bedroom and waits until Hongjoong makes a move in.

They sit on different beds, and it’s quite silent between them before Hongjoong takes a deep breath and looks up at Chris, and his eyes tell him he’s ready to pour his heart out.

“I’m sorry I’m broken,” he started. “I’m not what you think I am, and not wealthy and I’m not here because mom and dad decided to gift me a three month trip to Europe. I can’t even pay for my tuition, I’m not only majoring in Music, but I’m also majoring in being a big disappointment for my family. Ever since I was forced to come out things got messy. Dad pretends I don’t exist and mom pretends I will find a girl and get over this phase. They’re not violent or rude to me, it’s just like they’re not my family. Things weren't pleasant at home after they found out about my preference for men, and what used to be a safe place to rest and live, turned into the place I avoided the most. The more time went by, the less it felt like I belonged there. I moved to Seoul after I got accepted into college with some money I had saved from freelancing here and there. I thought I’d be able to do just fine with a part-time job, that I’d be able to pay for my tuition and my rent, but I couldn’t.” He plays with his hands nervously, glancing briefly at his fingers before his eyes are back on Chris, and he feels how uncertain and affected Hongjong is to be laying his story in front of him. “Before I dropped out I sent my tutor a letter and a flash drive with my music and begged him to please consider giving me a scholarship. I didn’t hear from him for six months, so for six months I worked full time, I saved whatever money I could and I tried to make as much music as possible. I had enough money saved to enroll again, but it wouldn’t cover a full year of tuition, just nine months or so. It would be useless to try again, and that’s when I heard from him. Yonghwan hyung – we call him Eden, he thinks it makes him look cool – he called me into his office and told me he had been following my work on Soundcloud ever since he got my letter and my flash drive, and that I was mediocre at best.” Hongjoong chuckles at the memory while Chris feels like jumping that Eden guy, but he continues. “And that I needed supervision. He took me under his wing, a full scholarship, and I have to work for him from time to time, finish his stuff, send his tracks to people that hire him. You’d be amazed at how quickly he understands people’s style and how much he knows about music! He’s amazing, to say the least. I used the money I had saved to make a deposit for a better apartment, the one I now share with Yunho and Mingi. I turned my bedroom into a studio and bought better equipment, so I seem like I have money to spend, when I don’t. Things were going well for me, until I met this guy, he was a regular at the café I work part-time, and a business major. For some reason he couldn’t stop picking on me, sometimes he dropped his coffee or said I got his order wrong just to get on my nerves. He kept calling me names under his breath, when no one else was watching, just to laugh when I looked about to break. One day I had it.”

Chris can see the anger in his eyes when he talks about the guy, and even if he had never seen Hongjoong lose it, he knows he probably looks terrifying when he does. And he continues. “He ordered a caramel macchiato, I prepared it and handed it to him. I had slept for forty minutes that night, my head hurt and my eyes were on fire, and he threw me a smirk and said I got his order wrong. I told him I didn’t, that he ordered a caramel macchiato and that’s what I delivered. He said I gave him pee and not a caramel macchiato. Usually, I would let it slide. That day though, I didn’t. I opened the lid, the drink was still hot - not enough to burn, but enough to bother his skin - and I threw that shit on his face with full force. From that day on my life became hell. He followed me around campus calling me names because he somehow knew I am gay, he started telling everyone I was Eden hyung’s pet, and...” Hongjoong closes his eyes and sighs, holding back tears. Chris wants to cross the distance, to hold his hands, and when he’s standing up Hongjoong shakes his head, telling to stay where he is. “He started spreading rumors. He told everyone he saw Eden hyung and I, that we were having an affair. The board called him in, called me in, an investigation was set and Eden almost lost his job and I almost lost my scholarship. I was threatened to get doxxed, I got pestered by other students, I was ostracized and called names every second someone got sight of me walking around campus. The following months were hell, and if it weren’t for Yunho and Mingi, I don’t know if I would’ve held up. But the investigation went nowhere, he didn’t have proof of anything, Eden hyung had all the documents that showed I was eligible for the scholarship, and that idiot got suspended, for six months. He’s coming back this Fall.” He smiles a little and looks down. “Eden paid for my trip. Not because we’re having an affair, we’re not! He’s too old, not my type and probably straight, married with kids, I don’t know!” He says quickly, looking up at Chris. “He paid because he knew I wanted to come, he knew I wanted to spend some time breathing some fresh air after all that, so he said I should accept it as a payment for all the sleepless nights I spent helping him. When I got here I expected to have fun, to find myself, center myself, and go back stronger. But I found you instead, and you messed me up in a good way.” Here’s where Hongjoong sighs, and Chris tries to speak, but Hongjoong continues. “I wanted to sleep with you from the moment I saw you, but you didn’t make a move on the first day, like I thought you would. Then you told me you were a music major, and we clicked so well. You understand me more than anyone at home,” Hongjoong’s lower lip quivers, his eyes water and even with deep breaths he’s unable to hold the tears that roll down his face, “I didn’t want to get attached but from the moment I kissed you I knew there was no going back. I’ve been careful, but you took a hold of my heart so easily, and you took such good care of it, that I panicked the moment it dawned on me this is our last week. I’m not justifying what I did, and I shouldn’t have given you the silent treatment. I should’ve told you all this a month ago at least, but Chris...” he looks up at him, and Chris can’t hold himself back anymore. He knows he’s crying too, and in a second he has Hongjoong in his arms, holding him close as both their bodies shake. He doesn’t know how long they stay like that, but after what seems like hours their crying slows down and they’re able to pull back enough to look at each other. Chris cups Hongjoong’s face, and the boy closes his fists on the front of Chris’ sweatshirt.

“I’m going to miss you so much,” Hongjoong says. Chris knows, he will too, but he doesn’t say it yet, he feels Hongjoong still needs to talk, and he’s not surprised when he does. “I don’t want this to end, but I also miss home. I miss the boys, they became my family, and Eden hyung does for me what my father never did. I’m sorry, Chris. I’m so sorry, I-“ Chris interrupts him by pressing their lips together briefly.

“Listen to me, Joong. Please.” He takes a deep breath. “I was angry, I was confused, yes. But I forgive you. I don’t want us to have a bitter, weird last week together, and I get it. I get that you felt that because I feel the same. I avoided thinking about it even though Bambam kept telling me I needed to. I dragged it out to the breaking point and turns out you were the one who broke, so I’m sorry too.” He smiles when he sees Hongjoong do. “I think there’s no easy way to do this, so what should we do when our time is done?”

“I have been weighting possibilities, lists of pros and cons in my head,” Hongjoong starts, “I don’t think we should try a long-distance relationship. I don’t know when I will be able to see you again, and a beautiful thing like this one could easily go sour if we're not mature and careful, and I know I'm not. You’re always busy, I’m always busy, we won’t be able to be in contact and facetime every day, much less travel to see each other. I don’t want to ruin this memory by being careless.”

Chris nods, he understands. “I agree. My family isn’t poor, you know that much, and they know about you. They know we’re together in this trip and I’m sure they would support me if I said I want to be with you even after this is all over. But that doesn’t mean they would send me to Korea on a regular basis to visit you. Once a year, maybe, not more than that.” Chris runs his thumb over Hongjoong’s cheekbone. “I wish we had more time,” they exchange a sad smile. “But we don’t, so what do we do?”

Hongjoong sighs and blinks at him a few times. “We enjoy what we have. We still have five days, we can plan things to do, just the two of us. Let’s have five days of honeymoon, we can act like this won’t ever end, right? And then someday,” Hongjoong tears up again, back at crying. “Someday we will find each other again, under better circumstances, or maybe not. Maybe we’ll go back home and it will be weird for a while, but we’ll settle back in our routines, and we’ll remember each other when we think about Europe. Or a picture shows up and we’ll remember we’ve been there with each other, right?”

Chris feels tears fall down his face too, even though he smiles and chuckles. He pecks Hongjoong’s lips and his voice comes out soft when he starts talking. “Maybe someday I will be listening to the radio, and a song will play with lyrics that remind me of this beautiful summer I spent in Europe with this amazingly talented boy. And I will look for the lyricist, and I will see your name there.” He says, wiping with his thumbs tears that fall from Hongjoong’s eyes. He chuckles, crying a little more.

“Please, buy my music,” he says with humor. Chris nods and lifts Hongjoong’s face to look at him, unable to hold his own tears back. “I l-“ he stops himself, and corrects what he was about to say, “I will. I will buy your music, Joong. And I will cherish it, forever.” Hongjoong smiles, nose red and eyes swollen. “I will cherish our memories forever, Chris. Don’t ever doubt it.” He sniffles and goes serious. “I’m sorry I told you not to say it. And I’m sorry I’m going to steal your thunder and say it first. I love you. I’m in love with you.”

His heart beats faster, like it’s going to jump out of his chest. Chris smiles, “I love you, Hongjoong. I love you.”

It’s hard to hold himself together after this, and Chris breaks, hugging Hongjoong and wetting his shirt with tears that won’t stop falling.

D-5

"So the first thing we need is to find a way to escape the curfew check," Hongjoong says, pacing around the room, a hand on his hip as he explained. "Maybe Sana and the boys can cover for us?"

Chris laughs from where he's laying on the bed, his phone in hand. "Let's put it like this, everyone knows we're together, they can tell the professors we're having some alone time and can't go downstairs," he shrugs and giggles when he catches the blush on Hongjoong's face. "Joong, everyone knows, there's no shame in that..."

"I know!" He adds quickly. "You're right, I'm never seeing them again anyway. So," he walks towards Chris and makes his ways into his arms, in between his legs and rests his back against his chest. "So, it's a bullet train and a bus..."

"Yes." Chris kisses the top of his head and puts his phone away. "I have the feeling you're going to love it, it's a shame we can't spend the night!"

"Will you tell me where you're taking me?" He tilts his head up and Chris just smirks. "Tease!" Hongjoong protests laughing, "I'll find out anyway."

"Yes, when we get there." This earns Chris a slap on the leg, and a bite on his arm when he struggles.

They visit Montmartre one last time, and have lunch in a fancy retro restaurant in Lamarck. They walk around town, lazying around and taking pictures until they find themselves sitting by the Eiffel Tower, enjoying an ice-cream. "So," Chris starts, "what happened after you soaked the dude with coffee?"

Hongjoong licks his ice cream from the spoon and sighs, giving him an uneasy look. "You can't judge me, alright?" He pauses and turns around to face Chris, who nods in agreement. He has the feeling this will be interesting. "So, he was standing there, being the jerk he was, and I threw the coffee at him. I don't know what came over me in that moment, I swear I understand now what people mean when they say they were seeing red, because I was. I jumped over the counter and grabbed his collar. I have no idea what I was screaming, but as I was about to punch him, Seonghwa pushed or kicked me aside while he himself screamed in panic, it was a mess." He takes some of the ice cream, looking away in what Chris isn't sure if it's shame or pride, but then Hongjoong is smirking and he knows he's proud of himself. "I didn't get to punch him, but Hwa dropped a chair on his head when he was about to stand up, and managed to make it look like it was an accident. He's my best friend, a little awkward but very protective."

Chris laughs, shaking his head. "Kudos to him! And then, what happened next?"

Hongjoong makes a defeated face and sighs heavily. "The manager happened. He sent me home for the day, told me to please get at least eight hours of sleep and come in the next day to talk." Hongjoong sighs. "I got fired, obviously. But it lasted only for three days, Wooyoung and Seonghwa begged the manager to give me my job back, told him all about the harassment I'd been going through, and he took me back." His face brightens up and he scoops some of his ice cream to feed Chris. It's banana-flavored, and Hongjoong had been trying to make him taste it ever since they bought it, he used his moment of distraction to feed it to him. Chris eats it, instantly making a face as his taste buds become a mess with the mix of his mango one and Joong's banana one. "Weird..."

"Shut up, it's good!" Hongjoong protests.

D-4

They wake up early enough to see the sun rising when they arrive at the train station to take the TGV train. It's a long trip, and Hongjoong falls asleep a few minutes after they leave. He has his head on Chan's shoulder, arms wrapped around his arm. It's cute, and Chan enjoys watching him more than anything else. Almost two hours and a half later they're on a bus for another hour and a half. It's the first time they travel by bus together, and Hongjoong now feels more awake than ever. They share earbuds, talk about the music they like, and eat snacks.

"So how do you think your bully will behave now that he's coming back?" Chan asks, popping a chocolate ball in his mouth. Hongjoong is drinking water from his bottle, and Chan expects but doesn't get a bad reaction from him. He just swallows the liquid and raises an eyebrow, turning to him. "He lost a whole semester because of me, right? I guess he will come back fuming, thirsting for revenge. Especially after Mingi broke his nose." He chuckles when Chris gasps at him with wide eyes and a scared expression. "He challenged him for a lacrosse game, he didn't go around beating people up, don't worry. Mingi used the excuse to hit him with the bat thing they use, there was a lot of blood. But it was before he was caught in his lies, I didn't even attend this game because people were hostilizing me, still thinking I was having an affair with my tutor."

Chris chuckles, impressed by how much Joong is loved by his friends, to risk themselves like that to avenge him. "You're lucky, you have really nice friends," he says. Hongjoong smiles wide, pride, and love in his eyes as he nods. "They're amazing. I think we feel very protective of each other because we have all gone through some weird things in life, some tougher, some less. We're all somewhere in the LGBTQIA spectrum, so you can imagine how it was before we found each other." Hongjoong explains and steals one of the chocolate ball from Chris' package, getting a whine from him.

"That's cool, all my friends are straight," Chris says and feeds Hongjoong another chocolate ball.

He looks somewhat shocked. "Don't tell me I'm the first guy you... you know..."

"No!" Chris laughs. "No, you're not. I've never thought much about gender, if I like the person, then I like them. That's how it's been ever since I started kissing people. My parents found out when I was fourteen, they were a little scared at first, but they never discouraged me or tried to stop me. They have always been very supportive, in everything I do." He sips his own water and continues, with a shrug. "But my friends are all straight, as far as I know, though. Oh, no! No, wait. Felix isn't, but he's more into videogames than people, I don't know if that counts." He enjoys how Hongjoong laughs at his last observation about his friend. "That's so weird, I didn't even know people our age could be straight," Hongjoong jokes.

They arrive around ten in the morning, after a long trip they shouldn't be taking. The moment their professors find out they're not in Paris, they'll get an earful. It's good that Sana, Minghao and Bambam agreed to cover up for them during curfew, after they bought them expensive macarons from Ladurée, obviously. It was worth it, though, because as soon as they arrive at Mont Saint Michel, Chris is able to see Hongjoong's eyes shining like they had whenever he saw something that he considered life-changing during all this trip. He's amazed by the sea, and how the castle holds up inside a wall on top of a hill on a rocky island. They walk up step street to visit a Joan D'Arc statue and to eat crepe in the various restaurants they find there, salty crepe, sweet crepe. They take a few pictures and listen as their guide tells them the story about the privateers and how Saint-Malo and Mount Saint Michel came to be. Hongjoong's eyes are glued to the guide as he gives them the backstory about the place, drinking in every piece of information.

After lunch they take a bus to Saint-Malo, where they spend the afternoon walking in the historic center, with old buildings and the beautiful beach. Chris is amazed at how many pirate-related stuff Hongjoong manages to find and buy, asking all about the privateer's stories and taking pictures of everything that remotely resembles anything regarding to piracy.

It's over for Chris when they find the frigate Étoile Du Roy anchored at the port and open to visitation. Hongjoong pays for them both, and for a second there he looks so in his element Chris wonders if past lives are a thing, because Hongjoong was certainly a pirate at some point. He takes pictures, buys souvenirs for them both, but doesn't show Chris. "It's for later!" he protests when Chris runs after him by the bay, trying to catch him and loving his laugh and how he shines brighter than the setting sun.

When they get on the bus and then the train back, it's already late. They know they won't make it for the curfew, and anyone who sees them will obviously notice they didn't spend the day in Paris. "You're sunburnt," Hongjoong says, holding Chris' face in his hands. "You have very light freckles, that's cute, but we need to hydrate your skin when we get back. I have something that will help." Hongjoong says, and Chris lays his face against his hand. "Okay, I trust you," he says and Hongjoong smiles, leaning in to leave a kiss on his lips. "I love you, Chris. Thank you for today."

It's funny how they held back so much and now they can't stop telling each other those three words. His chest feels warm and full, and Chris wishes he could do that for him every day, to see him smile like that every day. But soon Hongjoong will be just a nice memory, this will be just a nice memory, and it hurts so much Chris thinks he's not even capable to feel it anymore.

It's just when they're back in the bedroom, freshened up and ready for bed that Hongjoong pulls him close, holds his hand, and slips something on his ring finger. "It's a compass," Hongjoong says when Chris looks at the silver ring he was gifted. "I got one too, so whenever we look at it, we'll remember that one of us is somewhere in the globe, and that this was real. Short-lived, but real and so, so meaningful."

He refuses to cry again, so he smiles and pulls Hongjoong closer by the waist. "Thank you. I love you, little pirate!" He laughs and Hongjoong kisses him, smiling against his lips. Before they fall asleep Chris gives a last glance to their intertwined fingers, both rings shining together.

D-3

They leave the hotel to buy Hongjoong another bag, he needs one to carry the extra things he bought in Saint-Malo. It takes them just a couple hours and they bring beer back to the room along with pizza and cheap snacks. They lazy around, watch movies and cartoons on TV, then go for a movie on Netflix, computer connected to the big screen.

Bambam and Sana stop by at some point to invite them for dinner in Montmartre, but they refuse in favor of being together.

Sometime around the evening, Hongjoong takes over the bathroom, claiming he needs to finish the jacket he’s reforming for Chris. He tries to peek and see Hongjoong working, but is met with a closed door. He’s only allowed in the bathroom to pee and shower, and then he’s forbidden to go to the balcony cause Hongjoong hangs the jacket there to dry overnight.

They kiss and tell stories about their friends at home, and Chris tells him all about Felix and Kevin, his closest friends Sidney. He tells him about his father’s school, where he learned to swim and how that wasn’t the path he wanted to follow, and how he thought his parents would freak out when he told them he wanted to be a music producer, but didn't. And sooner than they wish, they both fall asleep, cuddling in bed.

D-2

The jacket is dry when they wake up, and Chris has no words to describe it: the light jeans are strategically stained with splashes of red, orange, yellow, green, blue, and purple, reminding him of the pride flag. There are trinkets and patches from the places they visited, and the jeans are ripped in all the right places. It’s trendy, stylish, and so unique. Chan doesn’t usually wear anything that colorful, but somehow he can’t wait to throw it over his shoulders and walk around Sidney telling everyone how this was a gift of the love he found in Europe. He thanks Hongjoong a dozen times, kisses him, and wears it right away. It looks good on him, and he loves every detail. “Is there anything you can’t do?” He asks in amusement.

“Not love you,” Hongjoong giggles from where he is on the bed. That stings a little, but he knows they’re trying to make their sad situation seem a little funnier.

The morning goes by with them organizing their bags, things they can’t take in their handbag, things they will need in the plane. They use some of their time to count their money, too.

“I need some change for coffee when I arrive in Incheon, so I need to put some Won in my wallet,” he watches Joong mumble as he fixes things. Chris blinks a little lost, and just decides he’s using his credit and what's left in his prepaid cards for everything.

During the afternoon they go to the Opera, just to see the building outside, no intention of going inside.

“It’s beautiful,” Chris says, Hongjoong nods in agreement, sipping on his iced americano. “It’s so different from everything we have in Korea,” he says. “I heard someone say once that the things we see and the things we eat are the ones that stay with us till the end, and now, after everything I saw, experienced and ate, I’m sure that’s the truest statement.”

Chris giggles and nods, “whoever said that is very smart!”

They also ride the Bateaux-Mouche in the Seine River, because they remember that was one thing they had been planning on doing since their first day, and every time someone found something else to do and they left it for later. There was no later anymore.

In that afternoon they find themselves back in the Louvre. Chris is busy answering Bambam on his phone, while Hongjoong walks around, he tells him they will be home by curfew, no need to cover for them this time. When he looks back up there are many people around him, and as they slowly dissipate he has a sense of deja vu. Standing there, looking a little confused by the painting in front of his eyes is the most beautiful boy he has ever seen. He has delicate features and his pointy nose gives his profile a sense of perfection. He seems to be listening to the explanation on the headphone, in his own language, as he tries to take in the details of The Raft of The Medusa. Chris walks towards him as if his feet were moving on autopilot. He stands beside him, eyes on the painting briefly before he’s watching the work of art beside him. Hongjoong keeps his eyes on the picture before him and takes his headphone off. “This is where everything started,” he smiles sadly.

“Hi,” says Chris, in Korean. Hongjoong turns to him, their eyes meet for a second and a wave of emotions flood them, memories of the first time they saw each other, and how three months seemed like a week ago. Before they know it, they close the distance between them and they’re kissing. Chris's arms close around his boy’s waist, and he can feel the small fingers running through his hair, not scared they might get kicked out. They kiss in front of Théodore Géricault’s painting until they lose their breath, and when they part a fit of giggles take over them. “Let’s get out of here!” Hongjoong suggests with a smile, and they’re soon running and laughing around the famous glass pyramid, listening to street artists and watching the sky grow darker, the City of Lights playing the part of an eyewitness of their last night together.

D-1

Hongjoong moves back into Minghao’s room by the morning, and Bambam heads back to Chris’ room, afraid the professors might check on them.

They need to check out by noon, and then after lunch, they will be taken to the airport. Hongjoong and Minghao offer to keep their bags in their room, and they all have lunch together in the hotel. It seems like time is nonexistent because panic barely sets in Chris’ stomach and they’re all being told to head to the bus already. “I’ll meet there,” Hongjoong says, following Chris outside the hotel, “I’m sending you off!”

And he does. His cab arrives a second after the tour bus does, and after everyone has made their check-in, and their tour guide is sure he didn’t miss anyone, Hongjoong approaches him. “So, how long does the flight to Australia take?” He asks, looking everywhere but him. Chris takes his hand, and Hongjoong focus on it. “Twenty-two hours, we have a stop in Cairo, then Abu Dhabi, and then finally Sidney,” he says, feeling tired of it already. At least he will be busy for the next twenty-four hours, enough to get himself together and not fall apart in front of his family as soon as he sees them. “It’s not that different from here to Seoul,” Hongjoong smiles, still unable to look at him. “I told you, Australia and Korea are not that far from each other,” and Chris doesn’t even know what he’s trying to say with that, but it makes his pretty boy look up at him, eyebrows knit together in thought. “I guess,” he says and drops Chris’ hand to wrap him in a hug.

It’s the most heartfelt hug he has ever gotten in his life. He can feel how much Hongjoong means it, how much love he’s pouring in it, how many things he wants to convey. So he does the same because he had no idea that summer fling would end up meaning so much. He’s so in love, and so broken that at this moment he can’t believe he will ever find another love like this. It’s like being ripped off his soulmate.

They walk hand in hand, Bambam and Sana meet them to say goodbye to Hongjoong.

“Don’t be a stranger, alright?” She says as she holds him. “Message me, send me the pictures we took in Scotland!” Hongjoong nods, cupping both her hands in his when she pulls back. “Don’t worry, as soon as I get home and get things sorted out I’ll send everything. It’s all in my computer.” He says and she smiles. Bambam hugs him too. “Like Sana said, send us the pictures, tell us when you get home!” He points as he steps back.

Their flight leaves earlier, Sana going back to Japan and Bambam to Thailand. They hug Chris and tell him the same they told Hongjoong, except when Bambam hugs him. “You two belong together, don’t let this be the end!”, he says in a whisper before he pulls away and leaves. They wave them off, laughing as they run away saying they need some last-minute things from the duty-free shop.

The time from Chris’ flight comes when they’re done exchanging every contact they have. “I can’t believe you spent three months traveling around Europe and you didn’t update your Instagram, Christopher!” Hongjoong scoffs when he adds the older to his social network. “I was busy loving a boy,” he wiggles his eyebrows and Hongjoong rolls his eyes in disapproval. They walk together to the boarding gate and stop, waiting for people in line to go first. It’s harder than he thought, and he didn’t really plan what to say, mostly because he spent the last few days telling Hongjoong how much he loves him, how much he cares, and how he’s never going to forget him as long as he lives. He also heard all this coming from the once so shy and mysterious boy, who turned to be even more special than what Chris thought he was. They stand there, facing each other while everyone else boards.

“Let me say this, before you hop on that plane and things change forever. What we had here, what we lived here, I have never felt this connection with anyone before. And I know I’m young and maybe someday I will find someone that will make me feel like I’m in Heaven, but Chris,” he places a hand on his face, “you’re what love means to me. I love you today, and tomorrow, and I will love you forever.” He doesn’t know how they’re not both bawling yet. Chris covers Hongjoong’s hand on his face and smiles. “You taught me what love is, Hongjoong. In three months I lived and loved more with you than I have my whole life. I will never stop loving you, and I will never forget you.” He steps closer and gives him one last kiss.

Hongjoong smiles and slaps his shoulder. “Go! Have a safe flight! Message me when you arrive!” Chris nods and steps to the boarding gate.

Hongjoong watches as the plane takes off, and he has never felt so lonely. He takes a cab back to the hotel where he finishes packing, and he spends the rest of the day in bed.

The next day, when his plane is taking off, he feels it all coming: it’s over. He allows himself to silently cry, curled up on himself watching the clouds and the sunset being left behind.

It’s only after he’s home, unpacking with Yunho and Mingi around him asking if he brought them something that Hongjoong finds the sweatshirt. He frowns, drowning out the voices of his roommates, his eyes instantly watering and their concerned looks turning to him. It’s a black sweatshirt, simple but smells like musk and citrus, and feels so familiar in his hands. There’s a note written in a paper with the watermark from the last hotel he stayed in. “Remember me. I love you, Joong. -Chris”

Yunho and Mingi silently envelop him in a hug, sandwiching him in their arms to let him cry as much as he needs.

It’s Summer again in the North Hemisphere, the air is dry and the need to hydrate is constant. There are people all over the place and as Chris waits for his luggage to come at him in the crowded treadmill, he reminisces about the last time he found himself in that situation.

It was also Summer, same airport, another situation. He was full of dreams back then, expectancies so high he thought he might explode with anticipation for the three months he was going to spend away from home. He expected to meet people, to learn more about the world, to visit places he had only seen in history books until then, he didn’t expect he would find his north. It had been the best Summer of his life, and everything that happened from that point on only led to him being here. Again.

He still had one more year of college, and then he could take on the world, and still, he had no idea if he wanted to finish it. So much had happened since his summer abroad. Chris started producing, posting his things on Soundcloud more often, and people started to notice his music. Just like that he started to DJ at parties, big events, festivals. Most of the time he spent working on music, and college seemed dull at this point.

He sees his luggage approach, leans down, and takes it off the treadmill. He only has one big bag, his most important belongings inside the backpack he’s carrying on his back. His stomach turns when he stops by the customs, they check his passport, ask him a few questions, and send him off. Chris – or Chan - stops in front of the last store before he’s able to leave the arrivals gate, his eyes move to the newest models of phones displayed there, there’s a video playing and he smiles, his heart beating a bit faster when he recognizes what music is dully playing in it. He knows those chords by heart, because he knows who worked on them and brought them to life so beautifully.

He doesn’t waste a second more, turning on his heels he steps out and into the airport, people are hugging their family members, some laughing, some crying out of happiness.

That’s when his eyes fall on the person he’s looking for, and it’s like time stops, just like that morning walking in the Louvre. The white strands are gone, replaced by a bright red, a little longer, making Hongjoong pop in the midst of the crowd. He still dresses up in oversized clothes that he customizes himself. The difference is that now he can afford to lay his art on Chanel bags instead of second hand accessories he acquired in thrift shops in Camden Town. Nothing wrong with that, he knows Hongjoong would give a kidney away to buy everything there. Chan takes a few steps towards him, towards his future, and Hongjoong is distracted, typing on his phone furiously, either with the friends he left in Korea or with Minghao to get the address to Junhui's restaurant, the grand-opening is in a few hours and they need to be there. Hongjoong sighs and pouts when he puts his phone away, finally turning to where he is. It's magical, almost surreal how his face changes, and a smile makes its way into his lips. If Chan hadn’t fallen in love two years ago, he would now, because he doubts he had ever seen someone more ethereal than his boyfriend. A second before he finds his arms full of Kim Hongjoong, he thinks there's no way he will ever be happier than this.

I’m home, Chan thinks, I’m finally home.