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Doyoung was sweating and it had little to do with the weather - it was the middle of one of the coldest winters ever after all - and everything to do with the little pastries inside his bag. 

He was starting to get a little paranoid; every time he saw a police officer standing on the corner of the street his blood pressure would skyrocket. Against his better judgement, he had actually decided to follow Jaehyun’s advice. If Doyoung considering one of Jaehyun’s idea wasn’t proof enough of how desperate he was then nothing could attest to his despair. 

It was too cold to be sweating yet Doyoung could feel how damp his shirt had become, especially in the armpits and the lower back areas. It was starting to get uncomfortably wet under his vest, sweater and long coat. Jaehyun had assured him he looked every bit the good and well-behaved citizen he was, there was nothing to worry about.

But Doyoung was a natural worrier and he could swear that the two almost weightless pastries in his bag suddenly weighed at least 15 kilograms each. A police officer waved at him. Doyoung recognized Mark, the young male who had been assigned to patrol their neighbourhood. Doyoung hadn’t interacted much with him but he knew Mark was a good kid, too naive perhaps to enter the police force. He wasn’t one to judge, though, and, according to Yuta, the police man was quite good at his job. But then again, Yuta only talked wonders about Mark, so Doyoung knew better than to trust his boyfriend.

Mark probably got along better with Yuta, though he always made sure to greet Doyoung whenever he saw him on the street.

Doyoung wondered if straight-laced Mark’s rather weird admiration for his boyfriend would evaporate into thin air the moment he knew he was about to consume weed.

He waved back at Mark’s enthusiastic figure and made a beeline towards his apartment complex. He hoped the strained smile he had sent the policeman’s way hadn’t been suspicious enough to account for a brief visit to their apartment to check if everything was in order. It wouldn’t be the first time it happened. Doyoung had started to believe Mark only visited them under the pretext of monthly check-ups just to see Yuta and get free dinners from him.

Luckily, Doyoung didn’t encounter any neighbours in the lift. He mentally patted himself on the back for choosing such a date to try weed with his boyfriend for the first time. Most of the people in their complex had left earlier to make the most of the three day holiday that had started that day. With too much work piled on both their desks, Yuta and Doyoung had decided to stay home instead of going somewhere to relax. Doyoung had tried to protest, saying they could take a day or two off, go to the beach nearby and come back or just try and act as tourists in their city. However, Yuta had a deadline to meet and he wasn’t about to just lay down and sleep when the awful date loomed over him like an unshakeable dark cloud.

He had promised Doyoung once he was done he would personally plan a short trip for the two of them. Doyoung, ever so weak for his boyfriend, had just sighed and let Yuta be.

Even if they couldn’t go out and stroll around, it didn’t mean they worked 24/7. It had been Jaehyun, awful Jeong Jaehyun, who had suggested to Doyoung they could relax with a joint. He had been bewildered at first, to Jaehyun’s amusement. 

“Dude relax, it’s not a big deal. You’re not going to die and lately the two of you have been swamped with work, you could take a moment to just relax and not stress over deadlines. And maybe it’s something you can do together, I know you don’t stress-jog like Yuta. You just sleep and binge-watch series. How about winding down together for a change?”

“Yuta and I wind down together en-”

“I don’t mean sex, Doyoung, Jesus. Just. Think about it. I swear it’s not gonna mess with your brain or any of those awful things you read about in the shitty online articles you love to read. If you don’t like the smoke just try a pot brownie. You won’t even taste the weed. I know a guy.”

Doyoung rolled his eyes.

“Of course you know a guy.”

Jaehyun just smiled.

“Come on dude. It could be a first for Yuta, too, who knows.”

Ah, Jeong Jaehyun knew how to press Doyoung’s buttons well enough, the cheeky bastard. 

Doyoung sighed when he saw the faded numbers in their door. He had made the trip safe and sound, and okay, maybe it wasn’t that big of a deal. No cop would suspect the brownies a well respected citizen like Doyoung had bought to share with his work-tired boyfriend.

“Welcome!” Came the cheery greeting once he stepped into their shared apartment. 

Doyoung smiled when he saw Yuta’s head peeking out from the kitchen.

“Hi,” he said softly. He took his shoes and coat off and walked towards the awaiting arms of his boyfriend. 

Yuta enveloped Doyoung in his arms and buried his head into the other’s chest. He then proceeded to rub his face all over his boyfriend’s sweater.

Doyoung laughed at Yuta’s antics.

“What’s wrong?”

“Missed you.”

Doyoung rolled his eyes.

“We had breakfast together,” he reminded him, silently enjoying the way Yuta was clinging to him.

“I didn’t know there were rules when it comes to missing. How much time should I wait before missing you, huh?”

Doyoung chuckled and softly separated Yuta from his chest so he could finally kiss him. Yuta met him halfway with a smile on his face, and maybe smiling wasn’t the best thing to do when you were trying to kiss someone but Doyoung didn’t mind a bit. He felt Yuta’s teeth under his lips and started laughing.

“I can’t kiss you properly if you keep giggling, stupid.”

“It’s not my fault you don’t know how to close your mouth. I don’t blame you, with those massive teeth.”

Yuta gasped, offended.

“That’s rich coming from you,” he counter-attacked. “Also, if I remember correctly you once told me you loved my teeth. Actually, you said you loved them so much you would su-”

Doyoung groaned and put his hand over Yuta’s mouth to shut him up.

“I told you not to bring that up! I was horny, you know I say the most stupid things when I’m horny, you can’t use that against me. You don’t kick a man when he’s down.”

The wet feeling of Yuta’s tongue poking at his palm was enough to make him retreat his hand in a second.

“I haven’t even washed my hand, you’re disgusting.”

Yuta just laughed and went back to the kitchen where he was probably cooking dinner prior to Doyoung’s arrival.

“I have sucked dirtier things and back then you didn’t mind so much,” he said on his way back. Yuta missed Doyoung’s groan seeing he was too busy laughing his lungs out.

“I hate you!” Doyoung screamed from the hall when Yuta’s back disappeared from his view.

Yuta’s fading laugh was the only thing he got in response. Doyoung sighed and massagged his nape. Grading tests truly sucked, and every time it was exams time he was tempted to just hand out multiple- choice exams. He was tired of trying to decipher his students’ handwriting. Of course, it was just a passing thought., Doyoung liked to test not his students’ memory but rathery how well they had understood a certain topic. Multiple-choice was too much of a hit or miss to be able to have an accurate knowledge of how well his students were doing in his class.

The worst thing was that the museum he was working for always gave Doyoung big projects during the examduring exam period. It was as if they knew Doyoung was drowning in work. They patiently waited until Doyung reached his peak of stress to secure two cement blocks around his ankles. 

His eyes suddenly fell on his bag, discarded next to his shoes in the entrance of the hall. He was so tired of thinking about work all the time that suddenly the idea of a pot brownie became ten times more attractive.

Doyoung was nervous, to say the least. He was seriously worried and he was also kinda scared about how Yuta would react. Would he just laugh at him or recoil in disgust? Doyoung thought he knew his boyfriend pretty well to predict that whatever reaction the other would have to weed wouldn’t hurt him much. 

Yuta would never hurt Doyoung intentionally and this Doyoung knew. It was with such a mindset that he bravely took out the paper bag inside his bag. 

He was glad Iguro, their rescued stray cat, was currently staying with Hendery. Yuta hated when their cat got stressed because they were stressed, so whenever deadline season loomed overhead, he was quick to call Hendery and ask him to take care of him for two or three days tops. At first Doyoung had been kinda against it, the choice of adopting a cat meant they had to take care of it no matter how awful the situation. But after experiencing just how hyper Iguro got, which only made Doyoung and Yuta more irritated since the cat always decided that their papers were great to sharpen his claws, he had to give in.

In the end, it had been a smart choice, Hendery had a garden and Yuta and Doyoung had a teeny, tiny balcony which fitted one small chair. Whenever they went to pick Iguro up, it was kinda nice to see their kitten running all over Hendery’s pristine grass.

Doyoung didn’t feel like corrupting their poor son. He would never expose it to weed, no matter that Jaehyun had choked while laughing at such a lame statement.

“Hey,” he said once he stepped into the kitchen. “I brought something.”

Yuta turned his head away from where he was looking over the broth. His eyes immediately fell upon the paper bag Doyoung was clutching. He broke into a smile.

“Dessert?”

Doyoung nodded.

“Kind of.”

The confused expression Yuta sent his way was enough to get him on his toes all over again.

“Brownies,” he said. “But, like, not regular brownies.”

Yuta slowly nodded, clearly waiting for further explanation.

“They have, uhm,” Doyoung started, feeling his throat grow drier by the second. “Weed.”

Yuta just gave him a blank stare.

“You bought pot brownies?”

Doyoung nodded, feeling how his tongue progressively transformed into cotton in his mouth. He was having a hard time trying to decipher the look on Yuta’s face.

“Why?”

Why, indeed.

Suddenly, what had once seemed like a great idea was now quickly starting to become a really shitty idea.

“Uhm.” Doyoung cleared his throat, bag still tightly clutched between his fingers. 

He could lie about his real intentions but that wouldn’t be fair of him. After all, some time ago he had asked Yuta to never lie to him, even if it hurt. Doyoung was a firm believer that communication was key to the success of a relationship. So far, no matter how embarrassing some things were to share, he had never backed down from his word. He wouldn’t be starting now because he felt like being swallowed by the earth.

“We’ve been very stressed,” he started once he could see Yuta was growing impatient with his internal battling. “And Jaehyun, well, you know Jaehyun, he suggested we could try weed. Together.”

Doyoung’s heart trembled mercilessley at Yuta’s slow nod. He was expecting more, and how could he not. Yuta was aware Jaehyun liked to smoke but never once had Doyoung partaken in such activities or even shown signs of curiosity towards it.

“He might have said, since it’s a first for me, it might be...a first for you, too.”

Yuta snorted, of course he did. Doyoung had lost count of how many times he had put Yuta through such a situation. It was a good thing that his boyfriend always found him amusing and adorable instead of annoying.

“I knew it,” Yuta said between giggles. He walked towards Doyoung and snatched the bag out of his hands.

“This is really new, though. I’m impressed. Who could have thought that one day you would actually listen to your best friend’s advice. Certainly not me.”

“Listen, if you don’t want to it’s fine, I just-”

“Of course I want to do this with you, silly,” Yuta interrupted him. “It’s just, you always manage to surprise me, that’s all.”

Could it be?

“Does that mean…?”

Yuta wiggled his eyebrows enigmatically and then bursted out laughing.

“You’re getting more creative with this, I’ll give you that, but unfortunately I’ve already tried weed before.”

Of course.

Doyoung tended to forget that while he was busy trying to finish college with an immaculate degree as soon as possible, Yuta was busy milking every drop out of his college days.

Yuta must have taken in Doyoung’s disappointment because he quickly kissed him.

“It’s fine, baby. Really. I’m really happy you decided to step out of your comfort zone for me. You’re amazing, Doyoung. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted.” Yuta quickly wrapped his arms around Doyoung’s neck and leaned in to kiss him again.

Doyoung was rather embarrassed to admit that Yuta’s words and actions always worked like a charm. It was as if his boyfriend knew exactly what to say and do to lift his mood again. Maybe because Yuta was just so understanding  and never got mad or tired of Doyoung’s silly antics, quite on the contrary actually, he even encouraged him in his silly quest to be Yuta’s first something , Doyoung stopped feeling upset about his failed attempts. 

However, the mild annoyance never went away entirely, but there was always a next chance. 

“Just for the record, I had my suspicions. I thought it wouldn’t hurt to try, though.”

Yuta laughed unabashedly and the discontent sitting heavily on Doyoung’s stomach disappeared into thin air.

“That’s fine, I like it that you don’t give up.”

Yuta kissed him one more time before untangling his arms from around Doyoung’s neck. He opened the paper bag he had been clutching in his fingers and brought it closer to his face. He took a sniff and hummed.

“This is some good shit. The smell is really faint, that’s how you know it’s good.”

Doyoung rolled his eyes and started walking towards the dining room, Yuta trailing behind him with half of his face still inside the paper bag.

“Of course you would know, you junkie,” Doyoung joked. He took the pile of notebooks, Yuta’s notebooks, from the chair and placed it on the floor. The table was littered with books and photography books about Norway: Yuta’s latest project. Even if he wanted to scold him for leaving the materials all over the table and even on chairs, he was too tired to fight him for something that would only lead to an argument.

“I used to sell weed in college,” Yuta admitted, mirroring Doyoung’s actions and clearing a chair for him. He left the paper bag on top of some of his books and started stacking his notes in an effort to clear the table a bit .

“Sorry about the mess.” Yuta winced when he took notice of the state of the table.

“Don’t worry about it.”

Once Yuta sat down, Doyoung took the paper bag once again and took a whiff of the pastries. It certainly didn’t smell like weed, and to be honest he couldn’t even identify a hint of smell. The brownies smelled like regular brownies.

“You sold weed with Johnny, right?”

Doyoung knew Yuta had purposely avoided mentioning his name, and had done it out of consideration for him. Still, his boyfriend had yet to learn that Doyoung’s masochist vein liked to throb quite insistently.

Yuta sighed and that was all the confirmation he needed.

“Yeah,” he answered. There was no point in beating around the bush. “But that was years ago. We were tight for money and I knew a guy who was looking for some dealers inside the college. I didn't even think about it, I accepted and yeah. You know how it is.” Doyoung most certainly didn’t know how it was. “It was only for two months though, Johnny then started working at the library and I quit. It was fun, though. Weed isn’t that bad, as long as you don’t get hooked on some other shit.”

Doyoung nodded, not knowing what else to say. Jaehyun had said the same things.

“It’s better if we eat them now on an empty stomach, or else they won’t be as effective.”

Yuta caught Doyoung’s surprised look and immediately rushed in.

“I mean! If you still want to? We don’t have to do it if you don’t feel comfortable. I’ll understand, we can give them to Jaehyun or something. Don’t feel like you have to do this.”

“No, I want to do this with you. I trust you.”

Yuta smiled, heart growing impossibly fond.

“Alright, let’s do this.”

Later on, when they were sprawled on their bedroom floor waiting for the brownies to kick in, Doyoung thought that maybe Jaehyun hadn’t been so wrong. He wasn’t sure what to expect, he had never been high before. Intoxicated yes, but not high. And Jaehyun had told him the effects were different.

The rug shielded them from the hardness of the wooden floor. Yuta had dimmed the lights and put on some music, his favourite playlist playing quietly on the back.

It felt...nice. 

He didn’t know looking up at the ceiling could be such an entertaining activity, didn’t know the graining on it could have so many shapes. Even Iguro seemed to be painted by the darker lines of wood.

“I miss Iguro,” he suddenly said.

“You also found him on the ceiling?”

Doyoung nodded, movement slow.

“Are you nodding, I can’t see you.”

“Right, I forgot.”

“But are you nodding or not?”

Doyoung suddenly laughed, mind hazy and body heavy. He couldn’t remember the last time he had felt so relaxed, so in tune with his surroundings.

“I am.”

“I think I’m high,” Yuta suddenly confessed, eyes closed and a small smile playing on his lips. “It’s been a while. Feels nice. How do you feel?”

Doyoung closed his eyes, trying to focus on the way his body was reacting and the thoughts swirling in his mind. His racing brain, it seemed, had quieted down a bit for the moment. Was he high? He wasn’t sure.

“I think I’m hungry.”

“I think you’re high.” Yuta chuckled.

“Compass” suddenly started playing and Doyoung forgot what he was about to reply. All of a sudden, Jesse Rutherford’s voice sounded a thousand times more compelling than usual. A thousand times more melancholic, too.

“‘ You’re my only compass, I might get lost without you,’ ” Doyoung sang along with him, voice low and raspy. “I think he wrote this song while thinking about you, Yuta,” he muttered. “Maybe he knew exactly how I felt and decided to write this song to you. ‘ You're the star I look for every night, when it's dark, you'll stick right by my side ,’” he continued singing.

A low chuckle.

“Shut up, you’re high.”

“High on your love, baby.”

“Disgusting.”

In the background, the chill beat of “Come Down When You’re Ready” started sounding, its heavy synths filling the bedroom like ocean waves, slow and steady.

Lights were dim and then the air was closed

We're breathing heavy but we're movin' slow .

Yeah , Doyoung thought, head moving on its own accord to James Cullen’s magnetic voice.

Jaehyun’s idea hadn't been bad at all.

{-}

Doyoung had tried to ignore the first couple of sniffles coming from the guy sitting two tables away from him. It actually surprised him greatly that other than himself was at such an odd hour in the library. Also, there was the fact that not many people had special passes to stay after hours in the library, it led Doyoung to think it was another fellow professor in the middle of midterms. However, Doyoung was pretty sure he knew most of the professors who stayed until late in the spacious building and the man quietly crying while going through a couple of books wasn’t a person he recognized from the academics sphere.

Maybe a student going through his master thesis, although that was also quite odd since students weren’t actually allowed after hours without their tutors.

A new professor, he concluded. 

Doyoung was really trying to catch up with his reading but the allegedly new professor wouldn’t stop sniffling every now and then. To say it was a tad bit distracting was an understatement, especially given they were in the silent room. The last straw was when the guy blew his nose, the sudden noise making Doyoung jump slightly in his seat.

Enough.

“Hey,” he started once he had gotten up from the seat and approached the poor soul crying his eyes out as silently as he could, which, well, couldn’t count as a success. “Uhm, are you okay?” 

The other man startled, clearly too engrossed in his reading to notice Doyoung approaching him.

“Mmh?” the other man hummed, blinking his huge and teary eyes at Doyoung. “Oh, I’m- yeah, okay.” 

Alright, so the new professor was pretty. Of course. Doyoung was more convinced than ever that this new man was quite new to the library. He was sure he would never forget a face like that.

“It’s just, uhm, I don’t want to sound like a dick, man, but I really have to catch up with my reading and that’s why I came to the silent room. And, like, you know. You’re not being too silent. Yeah.” Doyoung rubbed his arm, clearly awkward.

The other man gasped in realization. Doyoung panicked when he saw how the other man’s eyes rapidly filled with new tears.

“I’m s-sorry. You’re right. It’s j-just.” The man rubbed his eyes with the sleeve of his shirt and abruptly stood up. He tried to smile and Doyoung internally winced. It wasn’t a good first impression. “S-sorry, I’ll leave.”

Doyoung quickly eyed the table of the man. “History of Old Korea,” “Koguryŏ, Baekje, and Silla,” “Yi Dynasty: Secrets and Revelations,” “Proper Korean Etiquette,” and many other titles Doyoung was incredibly familiar with littered the surface of the big oak table. 

He furrowed his eyebrow.

“Are you studying history?” Doyoung asked as quietly as possible. Even if they were the only two people in the room, Doyoung had never been one to go against the rules. The other man, who had begun to collect his books, stopped and looked at Doyoung with confused eyes.

“Y-yeah. I mean, not like studying for a test. But yeah, studying. Or trying to.”

“Are you a new professor on campus? I haven’t seen you around before.”

The other man shook his head and took a breath.

“I’m not a professor. I’m actually here because of my job.”

Doyoung waited for the other to elaborate on that but the man had gone back to collecting the books.

“How come you are here after hours if you're not a teacher?”

Perhaps the man in front of him was actually lying and had gotten into the library illegally. In that case, Doyoung would feel compelled to escort him out as soon as possible.

The other seemed to understand what Doyoung was implying and quickly fished for the pass card in his pocket.

“I work for an entertainment business. I’m a storyboard writer,” the man extended his pass to Doyoung. The name “Nakamoto Yuta” was neatly impressed on the top of the deep blue plastic card. “I promise I didn’t come here illegally. I’m actually doing research for my job. As you can see, that’s not going too well.” The man, Yuta, tried a weak laugh.

“A storyboard writer? Well, that’s a first,” Doyoung smiled in what he hoped was an amicable smile. “Gathering information for your next script?”

A tiny smile appeared on Yuta’s face. 

“Ah, yeah. I have a deadline to meet and I’m not doing great.” Yuta grimaced and scratched the back of his neck in embarrassment. “Sorry for all the crying,  I’m just under a lot of pressure here. I’ll leave you alone, though. I didn’t mean to bother you.”

“Don’t worry, I actually know what that feels like.” When Yuta's smile grew bigger, Doyoung felt the inexplicable need to continue talking with this young man. He had a nice smile, it made him look younger. “Sorry if I’m being too nosy here, but what’s with all the books? Is your next script related to Korea’s history?”

“Yeah, I’m trying to write a historical drama but it’s not going too well. God, what was I thinking, volunteering myself for this job? I'm not even from Korea,” Yuta let out a deep and short laugh. A rich sound that resonated within Doyoung’s chest in a very unfamiliar way.

“No luck?”

“This is too hard, I can barely keep up with all these events. I don’t even know how I will manage to set a story in a context I don’t even understand.” Yuta’s eyebrows furrowed and he let out a whine.

Doyoung’s eyes widened, taken aback by the sound.

The other man seemed to recall he wasn’t completely alone and flushed. He looked at Doyoung and giggled nervously.

“Sorry for rambling, I’m just distracting you. Sorry again,” Yuta apologized, quickly stacking one book on top of another.

“I don’t mean to intrude,” Doyoung suddenly found himself saying. “But I’m a history professor, I could help you if you want?”

God, why was Doyoung offering his help when he had a pile of papers to grade on top of his desk.

“No, please. I couldn’t ask you that, you look like a really busy person. I’m sorry for pouring all of my problems on you, I didn’t mean to.” Yuta put his hands up and shook them. “You’re too kind, seriously. Thank you anyways.”

Doyoung bit his lip.

“I insist. I’m pretty sure I can be of more help than those old books you have there. Please, don’t insult my name as a history professor and let me help you.”

Was Doyoung crazy or what? The other had given him a way out of his stupid offer and he was dumb enough to reject it and even insist.

You’ve gone mad, Doyoung.

Yuta blinked at him and, Jesus, why were his eyes so big. It made Doyoung’s heart flutter in a very unsettling way.

“Well. Uhm. I’m actually kinda desperate here so I guess if it’s really okay with you I’ll have to accept your offer. Only if I don’t distract you from your own duties, that is.”

Doyoung smiled and took a step towards the other.

“I offered, right? A little history explaining won’t be a problem for me. I’m Doyoung, by the way.”

Yuta took the hand that was offered to him and smirked slightly,

“I’m Yuta. Well, Doyoung, I hope you know what you’re getting yourself into. I wasn’t a brilliant student in high-school.”

Doyoung let out a soft laugh. Yuta looked ten times better without tears threatening to fall from his eyes. He could also sense the other was slowly coming back to himself.

“You’d be surprised to know even my laziest students get hooked on my history lessons. I’m just that good.”

It was Yuta’s turn to laugh, and contrary to Doyoung, he seemed to have forgotten he was in the library. Strangely, Doyoung didn’t feel like reminding him to lower his voice.

“Well, Professor Doyoung, I hope you live up to your myth.”

“Just leave it in my hands.”

{-}

Ten’s loud laugh could be heard from across the room. Yuta and Doyoung had just crossed the threshold and they knew Ten was most likely in the garden with the rest of their friends.

“I guess someone is excited,” Hendery greeted them with a small smile. Yuta just laughed and Doyoung smiled. 

“We can expect good news then,” Yuta said.

After Hendery closed the door, he guided the pair towards the garden where Ten, Johnny and Xiajoun were sitting around the table, drinking some wine.

“Hey, everyone,” Yuta greeted, taking a seat right next to Ten.

“Hey,” Doyoung mimicked, sitting right next to his boyfriend. Yuta immediately took his hand and put it on his lap. The other sent a quick smile his way before shifting his attention to the smaller man who was definitely a bit tipsy by the ways his eyes seemed permanently crinkled. 

Doyoung smiled at him. It had been a while since he had last needed reassurance whenever they met with Ten and Johnny but he deeply appreciated the gesture. He squeezed Yuta’s hand, palm growing warm where their skins were touching.

“About time you got here,” Xiajoun started when Hendery sat once again with them. “Ten here clearly has something to share.”

Johnny laughed at his boyfriend's wounded expression.

“I’m sorry about being excited and wanting to share the good news with my friends.” Xiaojun and Ten both rolled their eyes at the same time, which sparked a collective boom of laughter from the rest.

“Alright, now that we are all here, Ten, we’d love to hear your good news,” Hendery said, ever so gentle.

Johnny and Ten shared a small smile before turning back to their friends. Doyoung furrowed his eyebrows, and when he took a look at Yuta he could see that the other seemed intrigued.

“First of all, it’s not Ten’s news,” Johnny started. “It’s mine as well.”

Suddenly, Ten and Johnny interlaced their fingers and brought them on the table. Doyoung got confused for a hot second, before noticing the twin golden bands around their fingers.

“Oh my God,” he heard Yuta saying, breathless.

“We got engaged!” Ten said happily, bright  laughter spilling from his lips short after.

“Oh my God,” Yuta said again, eyes wide like saucers. The screeching of the chair being dragged all over the floor made Doyoung wince as Yuta jumped up. Before the piece of furniture could fall Doyoung rapidly caught it by the backrest.

“Ten, Johnny, I’m so happy for you” Yuta had gotten to hug his friends, happy tears already pooling in his eyes.

Hendery, too, got up and joined the group hug. It was a funny picture, Doyoung noted. Although Ten was the shortest, Hendery and Yuta weren’t exactly tall and they looked extra tiny inside Johnny’s long arms. It was a warming scene, if he were to be honest.

But as heartwarming as it was, Doyoung couldn’t exactly concentrate on the scene unfolding in front of him. His interest had fallen over the weightless feeling of his heart. Previously beating a couple of beats faster given the adrenaline of just not knowing what kind of bomb Ten and Johnny would be dropping, his heart had now fallen into a calm rhythm.

A sense of relief washed all over him. 

Oh, how guilty tranquility made Doyoung feel.

Because Doyoung knew the exact reason why he felt like standing up, running in circles and screaming in joy, and although it was connected to the engagement’s news it wasn’t entirely the promise of Ten and Johnny binding for life that made Doyoung feel like he weighed far less than when he woke up that morning.

It was what it entailed.

Truth was, Johnny marrying Ten made their relationship so much more serious and unbreakable. So much sturdier. 

It meant that now the chances of them breakin up were really fucking slim. In that clouded mind of his, Doyoung felt safer. Marrying someone didn’t actually work like a charm against breakups and cheating, that he knew. He was well aware of such a fact, yet there he was, feeling the happiest he had ever felt in a while. 

Happy.

Doyoung wouldn’t actually call it happiness, the sensation that was slowly spreading out from his core to the tip of his fingers. 

Relief would probably be a better name for it.

He felt relieved. 

Johnny marrying Ten meant the chances of him getting back with Yuta had plummeted.

The former ugly feeling lurking around his insides that, unfortunately, Yuta’s promises and actions hadn’t been able to make it disappear thinned out so much that Doyoung was convinced it wouldn’t take long before it ultimately left him for good.

He felt incredibly ashamed for feeling such a way, and felt even worse because it hadn’t been Yuta who had chased the ugly feeling away, no matter how Doyoung had reassured him there was nothing like that left. That, meaning romantic love between Johnny and Yuta.

“Congratulations,” he suddenly said, deeming the moment between the four friends long enough to be interrupted without looking too anxious. “I’m so happy for the both of you, you truly are a match made in heaven.”

Ten lifted his head from where it was buried against Yuta’s neck to look at him. He sniffed and untangled himself from the embrace so he could properly hug Doyoung.

“Thank you, Doyoung.”

Doyoung hugged him tightly for a short second before grabbing him by the shoulders to take a proper look at his face.

“You’re so ugly when you cry,” he teased. “I can’t believe you’re getting married, you’re gonna look so bad in your wedding pics with all the snot running down your nose.”

Yuta and Xiaojun laughed out loud at Doyoung’s comment and Ten just pushed him away, wiping his tears with the back of his hand.

“Hey! My man is always beautiful, fuck you,” Johnny said, just as teary-eyed as his fianceé. Yet, he was smiling.

“It’s okay, baby, I don’t need you to defend my honour. I can do it myself.” Ten looked at Doyoung. “Fuck you, I’m always beautiful.”

Doyoung chuckled, genuinely happy for his friends. 

Xiaojun was the last one to congratulate them, and Doyoung understood maybe the whole situation had been a bit awkward for him. After all, Hendery and him had been dating for only six months, and although Johnny and Ten had welcomed him with open arms, they weren’t very close, yet. Not at least as close as Doyoung and Yuta were.

Doyoung was sure Xiaojun, as nice and amicable as he was, would never really be as close to the pair as them. For a hot moment, he felt jealous. Doyoung would too prefer not to be incredibly close with them and not because he didn’t love his friends. He very much did.

Yet their close proximity had little to do with bonding over similar things and naturally developing a friendship. Doyoung, at some point, had felt like he hadn't had a choice, hadn’t had a say in their friendship. Dating Yuta had encompassed befriending Johnny and Ten if he wanted to keep being part of his boyfriend’s life. It hadn’t been a choice. It had been a silent requirement, one that Yuta had never made out loud but that had been pretty clear in his eyes.

Doyoung doubted Xiaojun had felt that way when he started becoming part of Hendery’s daily routine.

“We should make a toast,” Hendery said, excited. “I’ll bring some champagne and we’ll toast for the newly engaged.”

“I’ll go bring the bottle,” Xiaojun offered. “Don’t you dare tell your engagement story before I come back,” he lightly threatened the couple before disappearing into the house.

“Aw, man, I totally want to know who proposed to who and how,” Yuta whined, letting himself fall back again onto his chair. Doyoung sat down and put an arm around his boyfriend’s waist, thumb slowly caressing his back.

If Yuta had felt the usual possessiveness laced in such an act vanishing, at least he didn’t comment on it.

“Don’t be impatient, let’s wait for Xiaojun.”

When Xiaojun came back and Ten recounted all the details about the cheesiest marriage proposal ever, Doyoung couldn’t stop his mind from wandering off. He felt a bit guilty for not being able to pay proper attention to what his friends were so excitedly sharing with them. It felt weird, at some point, being able to feel so relaxed around Johnny and Ten. He was aware he was the only one who felt that way, knew Yuta would likely get mad if he found out about this. If Yuta didn’t know already about his thoughts, that was. Doyoung had always been amazed at Yuta’s ability to read right through him. Yet, he was almost sure his boyfriend remained blissfully unaware of Doyoung’s internal struggle around his friends. 

He would see it remained that way, because now such a thing had evaporated into thin air. Poof. Like a magic trick.

A magic trick that Yuta had failed to perform successfully. Doyoung knew he was being unfair but it wasn’t as if he could control it. It was over now, though.

He would deal with his insecurities later on, for now, he was content to have Yuta between his arms while his boyfriend’s ex talked animatedly about his upcoming marriage.

It’s about the little wins , he reminded himself gently. 

It’s about the little wins.

{-}

The anxiety that had started to roll in Yuta’s stomach quickly evaporated when he spotted Doyoung from where he sat.

He saw the other man looking around quite frantically and Yuta raised his hand, trying to call his attention. Doyoung finally looked his way and broke into a relieved smile. Upon such a sincere smile, Yuta’s heart jumped unexpectedly.

Well shit. 

Doyoung looked extremely good in his dark jeans and his deep blue shirt, with the first two buttons undone. His dark hair had been pushed back and there was a thin silver chain adorning his neck.

His face looked quite fresh, contrary to Yuta's, who had started feeling rather insecure about the dark eyebags that at this point of his life seemed complementary to his face.

“Hi,” he greeted Yuta once he reached the table that had been booked for the two of them. He sounded a bit breathless and Yuta guessed he must have rushed to this meeting. “I’m sorry I’m late, I forgot I had an appointment with a student.”

Yuta shook his head, smiling reassuringly.

“Don’t worry about it, I didn’t wait long.”

A lie, but the other didn’t need to know that. Yuta had actually arrived fifteen minutes before the due hour because he was feeling restless in his own apartment, waiting for the minutes to pass. He didn't want to be late and he guessed being early would give his mind a break. A mistake, because after a few minutes Yuta has started to believe Doyoung would not show up though the other hadn't given him any reason to think like that.

“That’s great to hear, then,” Doyoung smiled back while sitting down.

“I’ve probably said this a million times but you have no idea how much I appreciate all of your help with the script, Doyoung. I wouldn’t have been able to do it without you,” Yuta all but word vomited once Doyoung settled in his seat comfortably.

Doyoung’s laughter, Yuta discovered, wasn’t easy to hear. It wasn’t as if the younger man was serious and stoic all the time, it was only that he seemed constantly tired given his jobs. The museum and the university resembled black holes that sucked all of Doyoung’s energy. He was very passionate and took things very seriously, sometimes too much so that he couldn’t discern Yuta’s jokes. It had a been an arduous task, making the other understand Yuta's humour or even breaking down his somber approach to even the tiniest of inconveniences, but the first time that Yuta  heard Doyoung’s laughter a sense akin to pride and satisfaction made his heart swell almost painfully. It was a sound Yuta found himself looking forward to more and more.

That was why even after hearing a couple times, Yuta felt his heart starting to beat erratically when the man in front of him began laughing.

“Yuta, we’ve been through this. You don’t have to keep thanking me anymore. I’m just happy the drama seems to have done quite well on its first airing.”

“You watched it?”

“Of course I did, I had to make sure there weren’t inaccuracies regarding the historical context.”

Yuta flushed, feeling quite embarrassed. He had forgotten the other wasn’t a fan of dramas, it wasn’t as if he had actually watched just because Yuta had written the story board. 

“R-right, of course, it makes sense.” Yuta nodded, as if confirming  Doyoung’s words.

“I’m kidding, Yuta.” There it was again, Doyoung’s rare laughter. Yuta couldn’t believe himself, he had managed to hear it twice in a row. A winning night. “The story was so intriguing I couldn’t even pay proper attention to all the details regarding the context. I can see why your boss was so happy with the drama.”

“Thank you,” was all Yuta could say, too startled by Doyoung’s words of praise.

Ever since that night at the library, Yuta and Doyoung had started meeting up more and more so Doyoung could help him with his predicament. It had been kinda awkward at first, they didn’t actually know each other and Doyoung didn’t want to come across as strict and picky, and Yuta wasn’t sure just how much Doyoung was willing to help him. He really didn’t want to make Doyoung repeat himself, so their start wasn’t exactly smooth. 

However, with every new meeting, they became more and more comfortable around each other. Doyoung appreciated that Yuta showed up to their study meetings with his material read, it made the lessons go more smoothly than what he had expected. He always came with a notebook full of notes and questions, and such action always brought a smile to Doyoung’s face. He appreciated that the other took his lessons quite seriously. He had quite  pretty handwriting, even when scribbling really fast. Some of his notes were in his mother tongue, Doyoung had taken notice of such a detail, and it astonished him how easily he read from Japanese yet spoke in Korean.

As some sort of ritual, Yuta always brought food with him, assuring Doyoung it was the least he could do since the history professor hadn’t accepted any kind of compensation for his lessons. Yuta never arrived late and if for some reason their meeting had to be postponed, Yuta would always be ahead of the reading material.

Doyoung was having a hard time believing the other had been a lazy student. He had told him so and Yuta had just replied with a “I don’t have time to be lazy if I want to keep my job.” Even if it made sense, Yuta seemed the kind of person to pour his utmost effort in every little thing he took on. He was admirable because Yuta wasn’t only studying  history, he still needed to write the storyboard of the new drama. 

The dinner passed quite quickly in Doyoung’s opinion. It seemed Yuta never ran out of things to share and the professor just loved watching the twinkle in his eyes whenever something particularly funny was brought up. Yuta paid for the meal, ears deaf to Doyoung’s protest of at least splitting the bill. After all, Yuta had chosen one of the best restaurants in the area for their little congratulatory meeting.

Even after spending a lovely night with Yuta, Doyoung wasn’t really ready to part ways with him. Not yet at least.

He had come to terms with the growing attraction he felt for the storyboard writer and now that Yuta was free from busy schedules and was more relaxed, he felt ready to just...go for it. He sensed Yuta too felt somehow attracted to him, but then again, he had witnessed the other unconsciously charming people all around him. Doyoung supposed it had to do with his easy smile and the way he looked at you, paying his utmost attention to every word you had to say. The way his eyes crinkled genuinely when laughing or smiling. It was hard no to let your heart flutter upon such a bright and unrestricted attitude.

Doyoung didn’t want to delude himself and he knew better than to go after someone who was just being friendly. Therefore he had told himself he would just remain friends with the storyboard writer. Yet the way Yuta shyly peeked at him from his eyelashes, the way he sometimes had to divert his eyes from Doyoung, the way he always seemed to touch Doyoung’s shoulder or bicep when he laughed, had Doyoung’s resolve melting away almost instantly.

They were now in front of Yuta’s building, Doyoung having offered to accompany him back there since the other lived quite close to the centre of the town.

“So,” Yuta started, fingers wiggling nervously in front of him. “Thanks for everything, Doyoung, I’m so happy you decided to take pity on me, really.” He laughed and Doyoung joined him.

“It’s fine, Yuta. Your work is very interesting, it was nice to have an insight on how dramas work. I don’t think we appreciate enough all the work behind the scenes.”

“Doyoung, uhm,” Yuta was looking everywhere else but at him. During the short walk from the restaurant to Yuta’s house, Doyoung had noticed that the other seemed distracted, nervous even. He wondered if it had to do with what Yuta was trying to say right now. “Do you wanna come in? Have a cup of coffee or tea? We can, uhm, watch a movie. Or talk. Or something. Like. If you want to.”

Doyoung’s heart almost leaped out of his chest at the innocent request, his mind running wild with the implications. Did Yuta really like him? As much as Doyoung liked him?

He almost nodded, too entranced by Yuta’s figure in front of him, but he remembered the amount of exams that still needed to be graded and that he had already postponed in order to have dinner with Yuta. 

What a horrible timing, really.

“I’m sorry but I have to decline,” Doyoung said remorsefully. He hoped his voice would convey the pain of saying no to Yuta. “I don’t think it’s a good idea,” he continued, grimacing at the image of the pile of papers on his desk. 

Yuta immediately flushed and waved his hands in front of him.

“No! Don’t apologize. I understand, uhm. It’s fine. I understand,” he repeated, trying his best to keep his emotions at bay. “Well, thanks for accompanying me. And for the help. Yeah. Good night!”

And before Doyoung could even say “goodnight” back, Yuta vanished, rapidly getting into his building.

Doyoung found this attitude quite weird, and he found it even weirder when later on Yuta didn’t text him. The other had taken a liking to sending memes and the most random photos to him so the sudden stop in his influx of material alarmed him a bit.

Even when Doyoung messaged him, Yuta had been cordial at best, not really giving him room to hold a conversation. It was weird, especially because Yuta was a chatterbox. Doyoung didn’t want to admit it but everytime he looked at his phone and he didn't see one of Yuta’s random texts ready to be read by him, his heart squeezed painfully just a bit. Maybe Yuta didn’t like him and he had pretended to be nice and caring with him only because Doyoung had helped him. As quickly as such a thought crossed his mind, it went away. It wasn’t possible, Yuta would never do that.

It was with the conviction that Doyoung had done something bad to push Yuta away that he visited the other unannounced on a Friday night, very much aware the other would be home. Or at least he hoped so, after all, Yuta had told him Friday nights were the only moment in which he could wind down from a stressful week. He needed to solve this, and at this point it wasn’t even because of Doyoung’s little crush on Yuta; the other had proved to be an amazing friend and he didn’t want to lose him because of some stupid and easy to solve problem such as miscommunication.

“Doyoung?” Yuta had opened the door after he hadn’t even asked who was on the other side of it. Doyoung had already told him how dangerous that was in the past.

“Yuta,” he greeted, thinking that maybe telling him off wouldn’t be the best ice-breaker in their weird dynamic. “Can I come in?”

And Yuta looked so adorable, swimming in a large hoodie, hair wet and skin glowing from his recent shower.

“Uhm, yeah, come in.” He stepped aside, making room for Doyoung to take off his shoes and enter the apartment

“Is everything alright?” Yuta asked once he had led Doyoung to the kitchen, lip caught between his teeth. He looked nervous and he kept balancing his weight from one foot to the other, swaying slightly.

“Did I do something wrong? You’ve been avoiding me and I have no idea why. We used to talk so much and now it’s like you don’t even want to talk to me anymore. I've been thinking about what I did wrong and to be honest I don’t have a clue. So please, if I did something to upset you, do tell me so I can apologize and we can go back to how things were before.”

Doyoung studied Yuta’s facial expressions, trying to look for any sign that he had majorly screwed things up between them. He grew confused, however, when instead of a scowl he found Yuta reddening.

“Ugh, Doyoung, why do you have to be like this?” It was said in an almost whisper so Doyong wasn’t sure Yuta meant for him to hear him. He said nothing, still waiting for an explanation.

“You didn’t do anything, Doyoung,” Yuta muttered, avoiding eye-contact. “I’m sorry I avoided you, I’ve been dealing with some...things.”

“You know I would’ve done anything in my power to help you, why didn’t you turn to me?” Doyoung asked, feeling the tiniest bit betrayed. He thought he and Yuta were good friends, but perhaps it was only Doyoung who had felt like that all along. The mere thought of it made his heart ache painfully.

“Ugh, Doyoung,” Yuta, honest to God, groaned. “Why are you like this? You’re making things more difficult for me.”

“What?” Doyoung had been confused, but now? He didn’t know how to name the level of cluelessness and confusion coursing through him. “Yuta, I’m trying to be caring, how on earth is that making things difficult for you?”

“Because I like you!”

The silence that followed such a bold statement was incredibly loud in Doyoung’s ears. Yuta was looking anywhere but at him.

“And,” he continued, in a low voice, “I know you don’t like me like that. So I was kind of sad and didn’t want to see you. Ugh, it was rather selfish I know, shutting you out like that without explanation. I just needed some time without you, I guess.”

Yuta...liked him?

“I’m sorry, okay? I already know you don’t feel the same way so if you want to stop hanging out with me...I understand.”

“Wait, Yuta,” Doyoung said, a bit desperate. He took a step towards the boy in front of him who was still refusing to meet his eyes. “Why do you keep saying I don’t like you, where did you get that from?”

Because there was literally nothing that could be further from the truth.

“That night, when we went out to celebrate. I...I invited you to come inside and you said ‘I don’t think it’s a good idea.’ How else should I interpret it, huh?” And now Yuta sounded almost reproachful. 

“Because I was incredibly busy! I wanted to accept so badly yet I had a stack of papers waiting to be graded back at home,” Doyoung tried to defend himself.

“And how the fuck was I supposed to know that! You didn’t even explain it, you just said that shit and I was like, ‘oh, cool, he really doesn’t like you that way, Yuta, drop it.’”

And.... he was right. God, Doyoung couldn’t believe he had forgotten to explain why he had to decline his invitation.

“You’re right. I’m sorry. Ugh,I’m such an idiot.” 

“So, you. Uhm, you...wanted to accept? My invitation. That night.”

Yuta looked so flustered right now Doyoung could eat him.

“Yeah. I like you, Yuta. A frightening amount.”

“Oh. That’s. That’s good.”

Doyoung’s heart just couldn't take it anymore and he crowded Yuta, his hand going to rest on the small of Yuta’s back to prevent him from fleeing.

Yuta didn’t try to flee, though. He rested his hands on Doyoung’s shoulders and finally looked at him, eyes wide and bright. They were incredibly compelling and Doyoung found himself leaning forward more and more.

“Thought you were cute when you were crying in the library.”

“Yeah?” Yuta’s eyes dropped real quick to Doyoung’s lips before coming up right away.

“Think you’re really cute right now,” Doyoung continued, enjoying the way Yuta seemed to buzz in his arms. “Think being flustered looks delicious on you.”

“Fucking kiss me, you moron,” Yuta said, tired of all the teasing.

And well, who was he to deny him?”

{-}

Doyoung still remembered the first time Yuta told him about Johnny. They had been going out for three months and even if Doyoung knew Yuta had had a boyfriend before him, it wasn’t a topic the pair discussed a lot. Yuta didn’t really talk about his exes anyways, not like Doyoung, who had shared all of his past experiences with previous lovers with Yuta. He hadn’t done it because he wanted to but Yuta had been quite curious, he wanted to know what kind of people Doyoung had dated before being with him. He had nothing to hide, so he didn’t really mind oversharing with his boyfriend.

Doyoung remembered the first time Yuta told him about Johnny because it was when he learned they were still in contact. The day had been going great; Yuta had finally gotten some days off from work so he now spent most of the time cuddling in bed with a very grateful Doyoung who appreciated having his boyfriend around seeing that the two were quite busy people.

They were watching a movie when suddenly Yuta stopped the film, sitting straight up on the sofa. Doyoung had been confused by the sudden change of events but said nothing and let Yuta talk as the other seemed quite troubled and he didn’t want to pressure him into talking.

“Doyoung, you know I love you, right?”

Doyoung had nodded, feeling panic already trying to claw its way out of his throat. Nothing ever went well when those words were spoken in a serious talk. 

“I want to tell you something and I know you are not going to like it and that’s fine, you have every right to be mad at me but first I want you to listen to me. Can you do that?”

Now Doyoung was panicking.

“Yuta, what’s wrong, love? You know I could never get truly mad at you,” he had said, trying to sound as confident and supportive as possible. 

“I hope you keep that mindset,” Yuta replied, taking Doyoung’s hand in his. Doyoung watched him take a shuddering breath and then nodding to himself, as if encouraging himself. 

“I’m still in contact with Johnny.”

Uh?

“Johnny,” Doyoung started, eyebrows furrowing. “As in, Johnny your ex?”

Yuta nodded.

“Actually, we’re friends. We are very good friends. We parted in really good terms and to be honest he’s been like my best friend more than half of my life. Even if we didn’t love each other romantically anymore, we still cared for each other too much to just pretend we weren’t friends. We decided to stay friends, and we sometimes meet up to catch up. I haven’t met with him since I started dating you, though. Even if all our meetings are just friendly it didn’t sit well with me to meet with him behind your back. I love you, Doyoung, and I swear there’s nothing between Johnny and me anymore. But he’s still one of my best friends and he will continue to be so, so please don’t get too mad. I only want to be with you, that much is clear. I just...wanted to let you now that my ex is still my friend and I actually want you to meet him.”

Doyoung didn’t know what to say because he could barely think. Instead of feeling mad, he had felt betrayed: Yuta had waited almost three months before telling him about Johnny. The fact that Yuta hadn’t opened up about something that was clearly important for him left a bitter taste in his mouth. He understood, though. Even if it wasn’t impossible, it was still rare that exes remained friends. Very good friends. Doyoung always thought he was an open-minded person, and he believed people when they said they were on good terms with their past lovers. He didn’t see the problem, even if, unfortunately, that hadn’t been his case with any of his former partners. 

At that time, Doyoung didn’t want Yuta to think he was a possessive and jealous person so he had just thanked Yuta for opening up to him. He had also apologized for not being trustworthy enough and Yuta had immediately reassured him it was nothing like that. He had said he understood how uncommon the situation was and that it only made sense for Doyoung to get mad.

Honestly, even if Doyoung had been the tiniest bit of mad in the beginning, it wasn’t a big deal. He trusted Yuta because his boyfriend had proved time and time again just how in love he was with Doyoung and how he only had eyes for him.

So no, he hadn’t been jealous or insecure upon hearing Yuta’s confession.

The unshakable wall of security Yuta had helped him build around himself only started quivering after meeting Johnny.

Doyoung took pride in being taller than his slightly older boyfriend, loved having broader shoulders than him, loved even more when his hands engulfed his boyfriend’s pretty and small ones. In short, Doyoung loved being physically bigger than his boyfriend, liked to use that to his advantage at any moment.

If Doyoung considered himself quite tall, he didn’t know how to label Johnny, a man who was taller, broader and bigger than Doyoung in every sense. He was a wall of pure muscle and brawn who could honestly just flick Doyoung in the head and knock him dead. 

The worst part was that Johnny was just so damn nice . He was very attentive and kind, and had seemed very excited to meet Doyoung. Their meeting had been full of laughter and jokes. Johnny’s easy smile and friendly personality had carved themselves deeper within Doyoung’s walls than what his physique had done.

Johnny was just perfect . 

Of course.

Yuta, however, hadn’t let Doyoung’s mind spiral down. His boyfriend had been particularly clingy, latching onto Doyoung in public at any given opportunity. Had been exceptionally vocal about loving Doyoung in bed, too.

Yuta had refused to let Doyoung downplay himself and for that, he would always be thankful. Little by little, Johnny’s perfect image stopped hunting him. Day after day, it was Doyoung who got to wake up with Yuta, it was Doyoung who got to console him whenever something upsetting happened, it was Doyoung whom Yuta seeked for advice, it was Doyoung who got to kiss his pretty lips silly whenever he wanted. Doyoung was Yuta’s present and that was all that mattered.

At least for some time, Doyoung had vehemently believed so.

It started with little comments, nothing that made Doyoung overthink.

For their first Valentine’s, Doyoung had wanted to surprise Yuta: his boyfriend was more on the athletic side, always dragging Doyoung’s homebody ass to some long hiking sessions or just making him do all sorts of activities that involved using muscles, and maybe he had declined such offers one too many times and that was why Yuta had stopped trying to rope him into his antics. He felt bad about it and looked for an activity that both of them could enjoy. The internet, always wise and never wrong, had suggested tandem bikes.

It was romantic, had some sort of physical activity involved and they could stop whenever Doyoung felt out of breath. It was a perfect idea. More so taking into account how much Yuta loved being in the outdoors. His boyfriend had said once that being a storyboard writer involved being inside a lot, and that being outdoors was a sort of blessing. 

Yuta’s excited laugh when Doyoung took him to the bike rental place in the park made Doyoung’s heart swell with pride.

“This is awesome, Dons!” Yuta said, putting on his red helmet and checking his reflection on his phone. “I love this, really.”

Doyoung chuckled, enamoured with Yuta’s childlike excitement. 

“I’m glad,” he said, taking a stop towards Yuta and kissing him briefly on the lips. “I’m happy I get to do this with you. I’ve never ridden a tandem bike before. Have you?” 

“I have,” Yuta answered, voice suddenly thin.

Well, Doyoung had kinda expected as much, what he didn’t understand was why Yuta seemed so reluctant to answer.

“With whom?” 

“Johnny.”

Right.

Of course.

“But it’s my first time ever doing something like this with you so I’m hella excited,” Yuta rapidly said, interrupting Doyoung’s train wreck of thoughts. “Think you can keep up with me, uh?”

Doyoung accepted Yuta’s change of topic and laughed, aiming for the front part of the tandem bike. Yuta gasped, clearly betrayed by his actions since the other had been quite adamant about being the guide and sitting in front on the bike.

It had been a memorable Valentine, and Yuta’s enthusiasm had been contagious enough to let Doyoung forget it wasn’t his first time riding a tandem bike around the city. 

After the incident came little things that seemed to pile up rapidly. Yuta, a bit reluctantly, had told Doyoung about his love story with Johnny. He understood Yuta didn’t want to share those things with Doyoung not because they were bitter memories but rather because Doyoung sensed his boyfriend knew it affected him. But Doyoung was a great masochist, and an even greater competitive person. He wouldn’t lose against Yuta’s ex.

Nobody had ever made Doyoung feel the way Yuta did, and he wanted it to be the same for Yuta. Research was important, he decided.

Yuta and Johnny had been together since forever, it seemed. Neighbours turned friends, turned best friends, turned lovers. Yuta admitted there wasn’t a time in his life in which he hadn’t had Johnny by his side. He was his first confession, his first kiss, his first time. His first everything.

First Valentine, first expensive gift, first hangover, first big fight. First heartbreak.

Johnny had imprinted all of Yuta’s memories with his name in a way that had Doyoung feeling a bit restless. It was a bit unfortunate because Yuta had brought so many new experiences and feelings to Doyoung’s life. He had painted his life in colours he had never seen. He felt a bit bad that he couldn’t do the same for the person he loved. He too, wanted to make Yuta experience the excitement that only came with feeling something for the first time.

And it was with such a mindset that Doyoung started leaving his comfort zone in an effort to find the one thing he could introduce Yuta to.

He was sure Yuta had caught on to his intentions but he never directly confronted him about it and Doyoung was grateful. He was sure he would die of embarrassment before admitting his intentions out loud. And even if his boyfriend hadn’t confronted him about his newfound vigour of trying all sorts of new things, he did let Doyoung know that he enjoyed and loved everything he proposed to do.

He always met Doyoung’s ideas with enthusiastic eyes and the brightest of smiles, never once commenting how he had already tried it before. Yuta acted as if it had been his first time and such a reaction never failed to warm Doyoung’s heart, and never failed to spur him to keep trying.

Laser tag, a cat café, theme parks, couple outfits, stargazing, a planetarium, a picnic in the park, a picnic under the moonlight, a pillow fortress, a romantic beach escapade, mountain hiking, yoga, a water park, a maid café, a costume party, trick-or-treating, matching costumes, pottery, go karts, karaoke, etc. The list went on and on.

Doyoung was astonished by the amount of things Yuta had already done, and by the amount of things Doyoung had never tried before. How was it even possible that Johnny had already thought of every and each idea Doyoung worked so hard to come up with.

Maybe Johnny’s imprint ran deeper than what Doyoung had initially thought, and little by little, such a realisation started chipping away at his security and confidence. Why couldn’t Doyoung just be the first in Yuta’s life for once? It was an easy and almost naive thought and yet, it seemed almost an impossible task.

Yuta had already said a couple of times that he did not care about their activities not being exactly new for him, he enjoyed them just as much if not even more given he got to experience them with Doyoung, the person he was in love with.

And maybe such comments made Doyoung a little weak in the knees, maybe they were enough to make Doyoung’s bitterness die almost instantly. Yet not all of his bitterness.

Thing was, maybe Doyoung wouldn’t feel so compelled to act in the way he was acting if at least, Yuta and Johnny had broken things off on bad terms, if they weren’t friends anymore. None of Yuta’s memories were tinted with the painful and sour reminder of a break-up that ultimately made the pair grow estranged with each other. They still were on good terms, and got together at least twice a month to catch up and share their daily lives.

There weren’t any bad memories that needed to be replaced with Doyung’s attempts. 

Doyoung grew scared he would not be able to become a significant figure in Yuta’s life, not as strong and prominent as Johnny at least. He knew he wasn’t being fair to Yuta, who had never once compared them, who never brought Johnny up unless Doyoung did it first.

Yuta, his lovely boyfriend who always tried to meet Doyoung in the middle despite their obvious differences, who more than once gave in because he knew of Doyoung’s stubbornness, who never failed to let him know just how in love he was with him.

Maybe it was his pride, Doyoung mused. 

Which was rather unfortunate, seeing that he couldn't actually let go of it easily.

He hoped he could fix that, before things took a turn for the worse.

{-}

The cup of tea warmed Doyoung’s cold hands nicely, and the rich smell of raspberry filled his senses when he brought his cup closer to his mouth. 

The tea was delicious, and he said as much to Ten.

“I know right? I brought this one from my last trip. I’m glad you like it.”

They were currently sitting in Ten and Johnny’s dining room though the latter was not at home. Doyoung hadn’t exactly asked Ten for Johnny not to be home when he dropped by, but of course he didn’t need to: Ten was perhaps one of the most intuitive people he knew. It was one of the reasons why he liked getting together with him even though their personalities weren’t exactly compatible. Ten understood without needing Doyung to speak, and it was a greatly appreciated talent. Especially since the two of them were, or had been, in similar positions.

“What’s wrong now?”

Ten waited patiently for Doyoung to swallow the hot beverage. Well, Ten had always been straightforward.

“Have you ever felt like you would never fill Yuta’s shoes as Johnny's boyfriend?”

Doyoung had thought about beating around the bush but he decided against such an idea. Ten hated those kinds of things and if Doyoung wanted a sincere answer, he would have to just go for it. Aim to the heart and shoot.

Ten looked surprised for a hot moment, eyebrows arching and eyes blinking. He hummed, leaving his own cup of tea on the table before regaining his composure.

“Let me tell you a story before answering your question. Also, I don’t know where you’re coming from. Johnny and I are literally engaged now. You might want to elaborate on your side later on.”

Ten followed the movement of Doyoung’s Adam’s apple bobbing. As good as an answer he would get. 

A light nod.

“You know we started dating before you even met Yuta, right? So, imagine when I found out Johnny was still texting and meeting up with his ex and Yuta was still single. At least when you met Johnny, he and I were already together. So yeah, I didn’t get that relief shit in the beginning. I was mad jealous. Like, super jealous. I tried to trust Johnny but you see, where else have you seen exes having such a tight bond even after breaking up? It sounds plain basic but I didn’t get it. We weren’t boyfriends per se, but we had something steady going on and Yuta seemed to be all over the picture. When I first met him, God, I wanted to strangle him. He was all smiles and giggles, touching Johnny’s shoulder for every little thing. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.”

Doyoung smiled, because he knew what he was talking about. Yuta had reccounted his first meeting with Ten and just how plain awkward it had been for him. 

“I didn’t know Yuta was the touchy-feely kind of guy at that time, you know? So yeah, all I could think about was that he was trying to get Johnny back. We had a huge fight about it. I accused Johnny of cheating on me with Yuta. God, it was awful. I felt so inferior to him, you know? Johnny wouldn’t stop laughing at everything Yuta said, and I know he tried not to bring him up too much but they’re literally best friends so it was kind of hard not to.” 

Ten was chuckling now, but Doyoung knew what he was talking about. 

“Johnny reassured me again and again that his and Yuta’s relationship was definitely over and I didn’t believe him, told him if they were over then why they did text so much. Which, well, it was a shitty thing to say because as stated before, they’re kind of best friends so... He was crying at this point and he asked me if I wanted to see his phone, read Yuta’s texts. And I didn’t even reply, I just snatched Johnny’s phone out of his hand. Doyoung, you should have seen the expression on his face. He looked so broken, so sad. It was horrible but I couldn’t stop myself. It was even worse when all I could find in their conversation was me. Yuta and Johnny literally only talked about me, Yuta was always telling Johnny not to be a chicken and to officially ask me out, how he liked me and that he was so happy for us. It was horrible. I gave back Johnny’s phone and I said sorry but I knew the damage was already done.”

Doyoung watched as Ten paused. He shuddered as if reliving the whole experience once again. Doyoung could only imagine feeling in such a way. He had been jealous of Johnny at first, he wasn’t going to deny that. But it had never gone out of hand. Yuta and he had never had a huge fight about. Never had had a huge fight about anything, not that Doyoung reckoned at least.

“He didn’t speak to me for a whole week and I didn’t even try to reach out because I was fucking embarrassed for acting so crazy. Yuta showed up at my job one day. He said he understood me and that he would try not to be in my way anymore but to please talk to Johnny because we deserved each other and it wasn’t fair that we had a fight because of him. And I understood that unconsciously, I had tried to make Johnny decide between his best friend and me. Fucking moron, am I right? I would have slaughtered the first asshole who told me I couldn’t meet up with Hendery anymore. Anyways, I apologized, cried a whole lot about it and we got back together. Johnny stopped bringing Yuta up and I didn’t see him for three months, Doyoung. He didn’t even meet up with Johnny. I felt awful about him. I could tell Johnny was a bit sad about it but he didn’t dare talk it out with me and I felt like the shittiest boyfriend on earth. What kind of lover restrains his other half from meeting their best friend because they’re a bit insecure? I sent Yuta a text message, agreed on a meeting, apologized again, and Yuta was just so nice about the whole thing I felt even shittier. That is all in the past now, and I feel nothing but love for him now so we’re fine. The thing is, Doyoung,” Ten put a hand on Doyoung’s knee, as if to recenter the other’s attention. “I’m getting married to Johnny, and Yuta is so in love with you it’s actually kind of disgusting. You don’t need to feel jealous, there’s no need. Don’t make the same mistakes I did.”

That...had been a lot to take in. Yuta had overlooked a lot of details, Doyoung noticed. He never mentioned why Johnny and Ten had fought, never said anything about Ten’s behaviour. He guessed it hadn’t been the best experience for Yuta either. Doyoung suddenly was so glad he hadn’t put Yuta in such a predicament. Yet Ten was getting things wrong. He wasn’t jealous of Johnny, he had stopped feeling like that a long time ago.

Doyoung was jealous of how big of a role Johnny had played in Yuta's life. How, because of him, there was nothing new Doyoung could show Yuta.

“I’m not jealous of Johnny, Ten,” he started, trying to sound as reassuring as possible. He didn’t want any kind of misunderstanding. “I’m happy you decided to share such a painful story with me. I genuinely thank you for confiding in me.”

Ten smiled and leaned back on his chair.

“I’m sure Yuta didn’t tell you the same story, right?”

“Well, he did leave a couple of details out.”

Suddenly, Ten’s laughter broke the heavy blanket of tension that had fallen over them. Doyoung laughed as well, feeling a bit silly. Johnny and Ten already acted married, Doyoung had no idea they had such a past behind them. He would have never guessed.

“I have to admit the moment you entered the picture I felt a bit relieved. Yuta was just so smitten with you, even Johnny was surprised.”

Doyoung tried to mask this surprise but the glint in Ten’s eyes told him he hadn’t been very successful.

“What do you mean?” He cleared his throat in an effort to steady his voice. It had come out quite high-pitched and flimsy.

“Ah, you know. Johnny told me Yuta is a very stubborn person, even back when they were together he almost never relented. Yet he was surprised by how easily Yuta gave in whenever he had an argument with you. And they way he looks at you,” Ten trailed off, lips pursing. He seemed to be looking for the right words to say.

It was almost instantly, the way Doyoung’s pulse picked up at such a confession. His boyfriend was quite stubborn, and so was Doyoung, though he admitted Yuta was usually the one who let up whenever things got rather heated.

“It’s like he can’t believe his luck, you know? It’s almost disgusting.” Ten scrunched his nose yet Doyoung knew it was just for effect.

Did Yuta really look at him like that? He had never stopped to think something like that before. For Doyoung, it was obvious that he was the one who had lucked out with Yuta and not the other way around. 

“What I’m trying to say, Doyoung,” Ten said again, realising the other’s mind was most likely straying away from the conversation. “Yuta loves you. A lot. So, whatever it is that makes you insecure about your relationship with him, it’s not worth it. Yuta wants everything to do with you and it shows. You have something really nice going on, don’t let your insecurities fuck that up, okay?" 

And, ah, how easy it was to say something like that with an engagement ring around your finger, Doyoung thought.

"Also, if you ever hurt my Yuyu I will hunt you down, Doyoung."

Doyoung chuckled. It was amazing to think there was a time in which Ten and Yuta weren't close, not when the two were now attached to the hip. Even Johnny sometimes complained about how close Ten and Yuta were, how Ten had easily replaced his boyfriend by Yuta. Doyoung found it fascinating.

He knew Ten was right, knew the other was just trying to help him. He would never compromise the loving relationship he had with Yuta for some sort of stupid competition he had against someone who was about to tie the knot. 

The thing was, was it really stupid to want to be your lover’s first in anything? Was it fucked up? Doyoung felt like asking Ten about it but he decided against the idea. Ten had already opened up enough and he didn't feel like prodding too much.

Doyoung had never doubted Yuta’s love for him. 

That was not the problem. At all.

He guessed no one but himself actually understood the root of his uneasiness regarding his impact on Yuta’s life. God, was it even worth it? Doyoung had spent so much energy on this quest he felt reluctant to let go just like that. 

But Ten was right and Doyoung couldn’t ignore it.

“Yeah, I get it. Thanks, Ten.”

Ten smiled but he didn’t look entirely convinced.

Doyoung didn’t feel like he was either.

{-}

His surroundings were moving yet Doyoung was aware his feet were rooted to the ground. He knew he was still yet he felt like his head was spinning and all the blood was rushing to his ears. 

Was this what vertigo felt like?

He had experienced vertigo once, when he had taken Yuta bungee jumping in Japan a couple of months ago. He tried to remember if looking down at the abyss he was supposed to jump into made him feel like this. It felt familiar, the dizziness, the sense of leaving his own body.

Well, wasn’t Doyoung a complete drama-queen, then?

“You’re not kidding me, right?”

Yuta only laughed harder, tiny happy tears pooling in his eyes. Doyoung couldn’t help but smile at the sight.

“I’m not, Doyoung. I’ve never done this before.”

And to even think he had almost given up on his quest. How absolutely awful, if he had actually surrendered, he would have never known the happiness that was blooming so intensely in his chest. It spread all throughout him, cells vibrating and mind pounding.

God, Doyoung felt like he had won the goddamn Olympics or something like that. He felt drunk on it, the feeling of complete and utter success.

Yuta laughed even harder when his boyfriend suddenly embraced him, his arms rapidly tightening around his middle side.

“God, you make me so happy, Yuta.”

He returned the hug, still chuckling.

“You’re an easy man to make happy, Doyoung. I didn’t know this would make you so happy.”

There was something laced in Yuta’s voice that Doyoung couldn’t decipher. He sounded happy, delighted even, but there was something else. And perhaps were it any other moment, Doyoung wouldn’t have stopped questioning his boyfriend until he spilled whatever it was that made him sound like...that. Now, however, now was not the time. Doyoung couldn’t find it in himself to pop the bubble Yuta’s answer had built around them.

Maybe it wasn’t that deep, maybe Doyoung was imagining it. Yet Doyoung prided himself on knowing Yuta quite well, and if there was even the slightest thing off about his boyfriend, Doyoung’s alarm went off immediately. There was a first time for everything, though. Maybe this was it. 

“It’s easy to be happy when you’re by my side.”

Doyoung squeezed harder when he heard Yuta’s groan, all other thoughts dying down immediately.

“You’re such a sap.”

The happiness in Yuta’s voice was too evident to let the comment have any effect.

Life was great, Doyoung decided then, with Yuta’s warm body and his unmistakable Chanel No. 5 filling his senses.

Life was so good.

{-}

“Don’t tell me you’re chickening out?”

Doyoung scoffed, trying to control the tremble in his hands. Even if he had come up with this brilliant idea, it didn’t mean he had suddenly overcome his fear of heights. He had done a lot of dumb things in order to impress Yuta, in order to try and be his first something, and some of them had involved going up to leg-shaking heights. Bungee jumping had been the worst so far. He could still recall the way his heart had dropped to his stomach when Yuta took him by the hand and jumped into the air. He thought he was going to have a heart attack.

Well, in retrospect, Doyoung perhaps should have come up with something that didn’t involve high heights again. But the promise of Yuta having experienced such an activity for the first time thrilled Doyoung way too much. To the point it made him overlook his obvious distaste for anything that required going above a one metre height. 

And now they were there, listening attentively to the instructor about the do’s and don’ts.

“This was damn expensive so you bet I’m going through with it,” Doyoung whispered back.

Yuta just grinned and grabbed his boyfriend’s hand.

“You really don’t have to do it, Doyoung. I won’t get mad and you know that.”

“I want to do this. With you. I’m damn terrified but I really wanna do this.” He confessed, squeezing Yuta’s hand.

The older just squeezed back, not letting go.

“Alright.”

“We ready?” the instructor asked, clapping once excitedly. “It might be scary at first but I promise you once you jump from the airplane it will all be worth it. The free falling doesn’t even last that long but it will be enough to be memorable. You will never forget this experience, I can assure you of that.”

Yerim was perhaps a bit too young to be doing this but Doyoung couldn’t deny that she seemed to be quite trustworthy. She had been nothing but a ball of sunshine while helping Yuta and Doyoung sign the mandatory authorizations. The girl had helped them put their suits on and had explained the whole process twice. She didn’t seem discouraged at all by Doyoung’s growing reluctance to go through with the activity, and she hadn’t pushed at all. In fact, upon seeing how nervous Doyoung was getting she promised that if by the end of the preparations and explanation he still wasn’t willing to go with it, he could always back down and still get his money back.

Yuta, on the other hand, seemed more and more excited by the minute. And well, Doyoung had been the one to come up with the idea so he really didn’t feel like stepping back. Especially since he had managed to find the one activity Yuta hadn’t done before. It was okay, he could do this. Yuta would be right by his side, there was nothing to fear.

He inhaled once.

Exhaled.

“Let’s go before I change my mind,” he told Yerim, trying to smile. Yuta squeezed his hand harder, encouragingly.

The young instructor just beamed at him and clapped again.

“That’s the spirit! Come follow me, we’ll check the parachutes again and then we’ll be going.”

 {-}

His legs were still shaking when Yerim helped him take the suit off.

“You were so brave, Doyoung!” she complimented him, supporting him by the arm so he could step out of the bright orange onesie. “Even Yuta was impressed,” she teased him.

Pride immediately swelled in his chest. 

“Right?” he laughed. “I was even surprised myself. To be honest I thought I wouldn't be able to jump.” Doyoung gathered the suit pooling on the floor and gave it back to Yerim.

“Ah, it was really nice. Especially when you shouted ‘I love you, stupid Nakamoto Yuta!’ before jumping.” The instructor let out a loud laugh, her eyes crinkling.

Doyoung flushed, remembering his stupid yell. He still didn’t know what compelled him to flat out shout something so embarrassing. Love, he mused, truly made you stupid. And reckless.

“It was cute, don’t worry,” she assured him. “You can go wait in the office while Yuta is done with his suit. You can check out some of the photos we took and look through them. Remember that the photos are included in the package you paid for!”

“Ah, right. Thanks for reminding me. You were great, Yerim. Really. You made this whole experience less terrifying.”

“Oh, I’m glad then, Doyoung! That you had a good time.” The instructor smiled, genuinely happy. “I’ll go help with Yuta’s suit now, let’s meet later in the front.”

“Okay.” Doyoung waved the girl goodbye and headed towards the front counter. There was a small screen on which different photos of people doing parachuting were displayed. They stayed on the screen for a couple of seconds before fading out, new pictures quickly appearing in their place.

There were some chairs stacked against a wooden wall as well. On top of them, a huge cork board took up almost all the wall. Some brochures and photos were pinned all over the place, making for a beautiful yet rather messy collage. It had personality, Doyoung thought, admiring the huge piece of work from his place near the counter. The girl working there had told Doyoung their photos would take a little while before uploading them on the screen so he could select his favourite ones. 

While he waited for the photos and for Yuta to come back, he stepped closer to the cork board, attentively looking at the array of photos displayed there. There were a lot of foreigners, he noted. Most of the photos had  the date and a little description written at the bottom. There was also a picture of the whole team of instructors and Doyoung smiled when he recognized Yerim in it. She looked even younger, if that was even possible.

Lots of couples as well, it seemed. Doyoung wondered if he could ask Yerim to put his and Yuta’s photos on the board as well. It was a memorable day, after all. It had-

Uh?

Doyoung frowned, getting closer to the cork board.

Was that...Yuta? And Johnny?

It couldn’t be, since Yuta had told Doyoung it was his first time skydiving. Unless… Unless he had lied? Why would he?

Perhaps the most shocking part wasn’t that Yuta had blatantly lied to him. It was the little description written on the bottom.

Doyoung reached up and took the photo off of the board, hands trembling and heart beating uncomfortably fast inside his ribcage.

Cheers to the newly engaged! Yuta♡Johnny. Thanks for choosing our place for such a brave and romantic marriage proposal. We wish you the best! Team Sky High.

Newly...engaged? Marriage proposal?

What?

“Doyoung!”

He looked up from the photo, observing how his boyfriend jogged towards him, a blissful smile on his face.

“You were great back there, baby. You were so brave,” the older started, chuckling lightly. “I think you deserve a congratulatory kiss.”

“Yuta, what’s this?”

Doyoung extended his hand, pressing the photo in Yuta’s hands.

“Mmh? You already bought a pic of us?” Yuta smiled and wiggled his eyebrows. When his eyes fell on the picture, his smile dropped. Doyoung could see the cogs turning in Yuta’s head, could recognize each of the stages Yuta was going through right now. Confusion. Realisation. Panic.

“Doyoung, I can explain,” Yuta immediately said, eyes widening.

“Is that you? In the photo? With Johnny?” Doyoung tried to steady his voice but it was damn hard. There were so many things running through his mind right now, he didn’t want to dwell on them too much. He could already feel the pain at the back of his throat from trying to swallow down the ball of sadness threatening to spill any moment now.

Yuta didn’t answer right away. He opened his mouth and closed it, as if searching for the right answer.

And Doyoung knew that as long as the answer was “yes,” there was no right way to come up with an explanation.

“Yes, it’s us.” He finally said. “But Doyoung, wait. Please let me explain, please,” he begged, taking a step forward.

Doyoung took a step back. Not even the hurt that flashed so intensely in Yuta’s eyes upon such an action could deter him from trying to put as much distance between them as possible.

“You lied to me.”

“Yes, but-”

“And not only about the parachuting thing. You and Johnny were engaged? You never told me this, Yuta. Why did you lie to me?”

His boyfriend, the love of is life, the person he was willing to give absolutely everything up for, had deceived him. 

Engaged?

Johnny and Yuta had been a half step away from belonging to each other forever . Doyoung suddenly couldn’t breathe properly. God, was he hyperventilating? 

“Because I know you!” Yuta yelled, taking another step forward. “Doyoung, listen, I love you, okay? I would never do anything to hurt you, and you know I would never lie to you.”

“But you did, Yuta! What the heck are you saying?”

“Uhmm, excuse me.”

Yuta and Doyoung snapped their heads towards Yerim, who was standing a couple of metres away from them. She seemed uncomfortable. And with a good reason.

“I d-don’t mean to interrupt but...you can’t. You can’t do that. Here. Please.”

“I’m so sorry, Yerim.” Doyoung immediately apologized, feeling mortified. How fucking amazing. “We’ll leave right away.” He bowed curtly, cheeks flaring up in embarrassment. Not even waiting for a response, he turned around and left the premises. Yuta was quick to apologize as well and left behind Doyoung in a heartbeat.

“Doyoung, wait!”

He didn’t listen, he just kept walking towards the parking lot, his long legs carrying him there in no time. Yuta’s quick steps trying to catch up to him could be heard loud and clear, and perhaps it was only because Doyoung’s mind had always had a tunnel vision when it came to him. His eyes, his ears, they always seemed to pick up on Yuta first before the rest of the world around him. Like nothing else mattered.

“Doyoung, please, let me explain,” Yuta asked again when he caught up to him. 

“Alright,” Doyoung conceded against his better judgement. He knew there was no reasonable explanation as to why Yuta had never told him something so important. Nothing the other said could actually justify his actions yet Doyoung was willing to listen to him. He was eager for the other to come up with a perfect excuse. God, there was nothing that Doyoung wanted more than for Yuta to say something that could stop his heart from breaking.

“I admit it, okay? I lied to you about never having done parachuting before, and I never told you that Johnny and I were engaged once. But I had my reasons, please believe me.”

Doyoung said nothing and Yuta understood he was giving him a chance to explain.

“I...Doyoung all this ‘trying new things’ attitude you had was really nice at first. I thought it was sweet that you were trying to find something we could both experience first together. But then? God, Doyoung, you grew so frustrated each time you failed that I started growing scared that you would never find something like that for us. Why were you obsessed with such a stupid thing? Wasn’t it enough that it was me, theme the one who you were doing all those things with? You made me feel like I wasn’t worth the try because I  was “second-hand”. I had nothing brand new you could try with me, I had no new experiences to share with you. And you were just so fucking adamant on finding something. Why? Doyoung, you made me feel like I would never be good enough if you weren’t my first something. And then, when I told you, when I lied to you about the parachuting thing. You looked so fucking happy I felt like I could cry. You said,” Yuta’s eyes rapidly filled with tears and Doyoung’s heart squeezed uncomfortably. “You said I made you the happiest man alive, just because you were my first something. And how about all of those times before? Doyoung, I couldn’t care less if I tried all those stupid things before or not. They all felt brand new for me because I got to do them with you, and that’s what mattered to me the most.”

He was full out sobbing now. 

“Why didn’t you tell me you felt like that, Yuta? I told you once, trust is everything.” Doyoung tried to reason, unable to comprehend how he had misread his boyfriend's state. Was Doyong not reliable enough? How pathetic. His boyfriend couldn’t be honest with him.

“I was scared, I didn’t want to fight with you, okay? I lied to you, but I did it for you, I wanted to see you happy.”

“Don’t,” Doyoung cut him abruptly. He closed his eyes to try and stop the tears that had gathered in his eyes from falling. “How could you even think a lie could make me happy?”

“But it worked, Doyoung, it worked. You were so fucking happy I didn’t care that I had lied to you. I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry you found out in this way.”

“And how about the engagement? Why, pray tell, Yuta, did you leave such an important piece of information out?

“Because it’s not important for me! We never got married anyways, why is it important for you? It didn’t even last long. Our relationship was already going downhill and we decided to do something fun to try and bring the spark back. We went parachuting and the excitement of the day and the activity must have gotten to our heads because then we were saying we would get married and all of that. It was a mistake, okay? It didn’t even last a week. We knew our relationship was doomed so we just broke up.”

“What do you mean it’s not important? How on earth is it not important to share with your current partner that you once almost got married, Yuta? Are you dumb?”

“Dumb? I’m dumb? If I’m telling you it’s not important to me why does it matter to you? Doyoung, I don’t fucking care about those things, okay? And perhaps I should have said something but you were already so jealous of my relationship with Johnny back then, how could I even say to you that we almost got married? I did it for us, I wanted us to work so fucking badly because I’m so in love with you I decided it was best for you if you didn’t know.”

“And who are you to decide what’s best for me or not? Have you ever heard about communication before? Yuta, you might think these things don’t matter to you but they matter to me and last time I checked relationships were a two-way thing. Does Ten even know?”

Silence.

“Yuta, does Ten know?” he repeated, heart almost coming to a stop when Yuta for a second averted his eyes.

Oh God.

“So I was the only one who didn’t know?”

“They’re going to get married. Of course Johny told him, Doyoung. I shouldn’t have kept it a secret, okay? I’m sorry! I did it because I love you and the last thing I wanted was to see you sad. It pained me because I couldn't shake all of those worries off of you, I could see you were still trying to compare our relationship with the one I had with Johnny. I didn’t get it because you’ve always been the only one in my mind since that library night when we met. I’m such a pathetic boyfriend, I can’t even help the person I love the most.”

Doyoung grimaced when Yuta laughed, all broken and hoarse. He was full out sobbing right now, his fingers desperately trying to wipe the tears that kept falling non-stop.

Yuta wants everything to do with you and it shows. You have something really nice going on, don’t let you insecurities fuck that up, okay?

Ten’s words rung loud and clear inside Doyoung’s head.

Suddenly, the full implications of Yuta’s words overwhelmed him. Yuta knew what Doyoung was struggling against, he knew about his insecurities. Deep down, he had always known it yet hearing Yuta say all of those things was different. It brought to light a lot of things Doyoung didn’t want to acknowledge. God, why couldn’t he just be happy with his relationship?

He had been so fucking single-minded towards his stupid goal that he had driven his boyfriend to lie to him so he could ease his mind. So he could ease his own mind as well. Yuta was also having a hard time and unlike him, Doyoung hadn’t been able to notice.

What kind of relationship was that?

The worst part? He was still hurt about the lies.

“I’m sorry, Yuta,” Doyoung said, voice but a whisper. “I’m so fucking sorry,” he repeated, hands shaking and throat dry.

Was he even allowed to console him?

“I can’t.”

Yuta stopped sobbing for a moment, eyes looking up again, all big and teary. 

“I can’t do this, I’m sorry. This wasn’t what I wanted for us. I’m so fucking sorry I hurt you. But I can’t do this right now.”

“Doyoung,” Yuta said, alarmed. “Doyoung, wait. We can talk about this, please don’t-”

“I need some time to think. And I think you also need time to think.”

“I don’t want time to think, I want you, Doyoung! I’m sorry I lied, I promise I won’t ever lie again God, I swear I haven’t lied to you about anything else, you know this!”

Oh God, was Doyoung really going to break his own heart? He couldn’t stand watching Yuta any longer. He was so fucking mad at himself. How had he, who had promised time and time again to take care of his boyfriend, reduced the other to such a state? Deep down Doyoung had always known it.

It’s like he can’t believe his luck, you know?

What a fucking joke.

It was now clear who had lucked out.

“I’m sorry, Yuta.” How many times had he said those words now? It’s like he couldn’t say anything else. Yet there was no other word that could exactly convey how he felt right now. “I’m sorry you went through all of that alone, I’m sorry I didn’t notice before, I’m sorry I made you feel like you had to lie to me.”

“No, please, Doyoung-” Yuta took a step forward, his hand reaching out to grab Doyoung’s trembling one. He stopped in his tracks when his boyfriend took a step back, pulling his hand towards his chest.

“I really believe we need some time to think. This isn’t healthy, Yuta. I won’t let you do this to yourself. Please, don’t follow me.”

“No! Doyoung, fuck, why the fuck are you deciding things for yourself? Please, listen to me!”

“Please, Yuta. Just. I don’t want to fight now, I don’t want to say things I don’t mean. You and I, we both need some time to think. Do you really think it’s okay that you’ve been feeling like that all of this time? Do you think that’s what I want? Do you think it’s fine that you feel like you had to lie to me?”

“I swear to God, Kim Doyoung, if you walk away from me now I’ll break up with you. Don’t be a coward when things get rough, we can talk this out.”

And perhaps Yuta was acting all brave and demanding but Doyoung could see the way his legs were trembling, could see how his tears hadn’t stopped falling, could see the desperations in his eyes.

Doyoung knew he was right, in spite of everything. Yuta had always been the more emotional between the two of them, and so far, such a feature had carried their relationship to levels past Doyoung could have only imagined. He had taught Doyoung it was okay to feel, it was okay to silence the brain for a bit and just flow with the heart. But now? Emotions weren’t enough to sustain a relationship. Because even if Doyoung would die for Yuta, he could recognize they weren’t the best for each for now. Despite every cell in his body telling him to just run to his lover and console him, to hold him close and never let him go, he knew he would come to regret such a rash decision.

He needed time to think, and Yuta did too, despite saying otherwise. 

“I’m sorry, Yuta. I’ll stay at Jaehyun’s tonight, don’t worry. Please, for once, just listen to me. I love you, don’t think for a minute I don’t, okay? You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I want to keep it that way.”

He knew right now he wouldn’t get through Yuta. And perhaps he was also making a mistake, by walking away for now. Truth was, there wasn’t a right choice. Doyoung had simply taken the path that he believed would help them stay together. Maybe Yuta wouldn’t see it like that, maybe Yuta would just turn his back on Doyoung.

Loving someone other than yourself embodied exactly that. You could never predict how the other would act, could never exactly understand the way they thought, would never really get into their minds. 

“Fuck you, Doyoung. I fucking hate that you decide everything for us. You’ve always been like this, God. Fine! Walk away, you fucking coward. Don’t you fucking dare talk to me ever again,” Yuta shouted, voice hoarse and shattered. “Good-fucking-bye!”

Ah.

There it was.

Doyoung had felt somehow numb through all the discussion. He felt like having an out-of-body experience, he could see himself arguing with Yuta yet his body had stopped feeling midway through the argument.

Now, though?

Oh.

Was this what all of those romantic movies he had always found so incredibly exaggerated were trying to portray? Heartbreak. He could see now, that perhaps all the crying and kicking around weren’t that far fetched. 

They were actually quite accurate depictions, Doyoung reflected, feeling the way his body wanted to do exactly that.

Yuta was the one to walk away first, leaving Doyoung alone in the parking lot with his heart shattered.

It’s okay, it’s for the best , Doyoung tried to convince himself.

When he got to Jaehyun’s apartment, he wasn’t so sure anymore.

{-}

“Well, you fucked up. I mean, you both did. Like, I don’t know what I would’ve done in your place to be honest. Finding out your boyfriend was once engaged? Wild. Finding out he lied because you made him unsure of your relationship? Wilder.”

Doyoung groaned. Of course Jaehyun wouldn’t be of any help. He was more than thankful for last night, though. The younger had opened the door, taken a look at Dooyung’s state and just ushered him inside, no questions asked. He made him something to eat and then just let him sleep in peace. Doyoung didn’t say it enough but he was truly grateful to have someone like Jaehyun in his life, even if they acted like a divorced couple who refused to look at each other at times.

For all Jaehyun had remained quiet last night, when morning arrived, the younger boy was already waiting for Doyoung with a cup of coffee all settled for him on the table. His expression was eager and absolute, his eyes spoke quite clearly: spill. And perhaps Doyoung wasn’t quite ready to acknowledge that the previous night’s events had occurred.

Jaehyun had just sighed and moved from his seat towards his couch. He set up his Play Station and quietly began playing, the underlying message crystal clear. Doyoung appreciated the time Jaehyun gave him, and he guessed he owed the other the truth. Reluctantly, he had gotten up, cup in his hand, to sit next to his friend.

Since Jaehyun wasn’t really looking at him, it was easier than expected to recount everything. Or so he had thought.

“Yes, thank you for summarizing my entire evening.”

“I mean,” the other continued, pausing his video game. Oh, he was getting serious. Doyoung knew the pep talk was coming because Jaehyun could be a little childish at times but when he got serious, it always astonished Doyoung just how mature he could be. He offered his own unique insight that usually clashed with Doyoung’s own views but that definitely helped him get a better picture of things.

“Yuta should have known better than to lie to you, but then again. Did he have any other choice? You kinda pushed him to it, man. The engagement thing though, that wasn’t smart, I’ll give you that. You need to understand that this fight has been brewing for a while now, it wasn’t just a spur of the moment. Do you understand that, Doyoung? It isn’t something that you can patch up in a second and continue like nothing happened. Man, I hate to tell you this but you gotta revise your whole relationship.”

Suddenly, Doyoung remembered when he was ten years old and he was playing with his older brother in the backyard. His little self had sat down for just a moment, tired of chasing Gongmyung all over the grass. It had been then whe he felt it, a sting that didn’t feel quite like anything he had felt before. He had cried out loud, watching in horror how the skin of his ankle grew redder and bigger by the moment. A bee sting.

The sharp pain in his chest felt awfully familiar now.

“And perhaps you should, like, really sit down and think what you want from Yuta. And what you want from your relationship with him. Don’t hold him to high standards. He may be really great like you paint him but he’s still human at the end of the day and perhaps you’ve been putting a lot on him. Lying is intrinsically human, I don’t know a single person who wasn’t willing to lie for the sake of those they love. So. I don’t know man, get your shit together. You really gonna let everything go down the drain just because he was engaged once for a week and didn’t tell you about it? Grow the fuck up, man. You’ve been lying to him about your insecurities too so maybe stop being such a hypocrite?”

“Jaehyun-” Doyoung suddenly said, awfully taken aback by the other’s words. Jaehyun had never spoken to him like that and Doyoung could already tell he hated it.

“No, Doyoung. I’m serious. You’re really smart. Like, annoyingly so. Use that brain of yours for once, okay? I’m not saying it’s all your fault, of course. But Yuta did try to speak and you dismissed him. I would’ve punched you to be honest, he clearly loves you so much to be putting up with that attitude of yours.”

Jaehyun stared him down, and his eyes were shining with warning, as if saying “try me.”

Doyoung didn’t, so the other just turned his head and resumed his game.

And just like that, pep-talk time was over.

{-}

Iguro meowed at him when Doyoung opened the door and he immediately dropped to his knees to gather his baby in his arms, softly rubbing his forehead with Iguro’s.

“Hey, my little baby,” Doyoung greeted him. “Missed me? I’m sorry.”

Iguro purred, eyes closed and head butting into Doyoung’s forehead repeatedly.

“Did you cheer your daddy up, huh?” Doyoung asked, softly pressing his thumbs behind Iguro’s ears. “Was he sad?”

Earlier, Doyoung had almost gotten a heart attack when he received a message from Yuta. His hands had been trembling so badly Jaehyun had to pry the phone out of his hands and read the message out loud.

staying at ten’s, go feed Iguro

Short and impersonal. And even then, the lack of Johnny’s name in the message sent a tiny flare of hope in his heart. Yuta still cared.

Perhaps such a thought was a bit dramatic. Yuta loved him after all. He wasn’t going to have a huge change of heart overnight, no matter how angry he was. Doyoung knew because he felt the same way.

There was also the fact that Yuta could’ve easily taken Iguro with him to Ten’s, aware that he loved cats with a passion and he was always excited when he went to visit Doyoung and Yuta. But he hadn’t. 

“I’m sorry I made daddy cry, Iguro. You understand, right? Was I wrong in feeling the way I did? Uncle Jaehyun, for once, was very assertive.”

Iguro just meowed at him and started wiggling in Doyoung’s arms, already tired of being held for so long. He was promptly left on the floor again, and after a slow rub against Doyoung’s legs he ran back to the kitchen.

Doyoung sighed and stood up. He rubbed his hands on his pants, trying to remove as much of Iguro’s fur as possible.

The place looked as it had always done and Doyoung felt a bit silly for thinking he would find the whole thing empty. The familiar sight of Yuta’s books on the table, next to his own books and laptop brought back the knot in his throat he had tried to squash the whole way down to the apartment.

God, he had really fucked up, hadn’t he?

The bed was unmade and Doyoung noticed it was actually his side of the bed that had the sheets bunched. Not bothering to turn on the light, he went inside instead of lingering on the door. With trembling hands he reached over and grabbed Yuta’s pillow, slowly bringing it to his face.

He inhaled Yuta’s scent, the smell of his shampoo flooding his senses quite violently. Only then, he allowed himself to cry. He sat down on the bed and screamed into the pillow, sobbing his heart out. The fabric grew wetter by the second, Doyoung’s tears and spit easily darkening the white material.

Doyoung cried and cried, feeling suffocated with his face buried in the pillow. And still, he couldn’t bring himself to remove his face from the one thing that could make him picture Yuta vividly in his mind. He desperately needed it, even if he felt like he was going to pass out from the lack of air.

Only when he started hiccuping, devoid of any more tears, he dared lift his head from the pillow, now stained. Doyoung took a shaky breath and laid down on the bed, already feeling the tell-tale signs of the headache he was about to get. Before he could even think of just dozing off, he heard Iguro’s soft steps going towards the bedroom. He effortlessly jumped into the bed and cuddled next to Doyoung, his tiny head pressed against the side of Doyoung’s rib cage.

The small, even meaningless, action brought a whole new wave of fresh tears to his eyes yet Doyoung managed to swallow it down, not wanting to startle Iguro. Fortunately, the cat was on the sweet and affectionate side but he easily got scared by loud and sudden noises. And right now, he needed the tiny show of affection more than anything.

He petted Iguro’s fur for a little while, the vibrations of his purr provided a solid anchor from which he could latch on to focus instead of the ugly feelings gripping his chest. Shortly after, his breathing evened and just like that, he was out.

{-}

The abrupt noise of the telephone ringing startled Doyoung awake. Iguro immediately woke up, jumping from the bed and running towards the kitchen where he always went when he got scared.

It wasn’t his phone that was ringing, though. It was actually the apartment's telephone, which was suspicious enough. Nobody ever called them on it but Yuta had insisted on having it because he absolutely hated to give his cellphone number to some agencies given they had a very loose idea of what appropriate reaching out time was. Whenever he gave their telephone, though, they would be more careful. Calling was more demanding than texting so agencies tended to be more considerate if they had to call.

With a groan he stood up from the bed, feeling the pain of his crying session well and alive at the back of his eyes. He padded to the dining room, head heavy and steps even heavier.

“Hello?”

He had debated whether to answer or not but he knew himself well enough. He wasn’t one to turn down calls even regardless of whether he knew who was calling or not. 

“Hello. Is this Nakamoto Yuta’s household? I’m calling from Akon Agency.”

Akon..Agency?

“Uhm. Yes, this is his household but he is not here.”

“I see. Who am I speaking to?”

“I’m Kim Doyoung,” he answered rather dumbly. “I’m his- uhm, I’m his partner.”

“Oh, well, that works then. Mr. Kim, I was calling to let you know that the house tour will be scheduled for Wednesday next week at 14hs. Is it okay with you? We can work around the date but that’s the earliest we could fit you in.”

House...tour?

What?

“As per request of Mr. Nakamoto, the tour house shall proceed in the suburbs and the eastside neighbourhoods so instead of meeting in the agency perhaps we could arrange another meeting spot. Perhaps it would be beneficial if a cell phone number could be provided.”

Doyoung’s head kept spinning and he really couldn’t keep up.

“Mister Kim?”

“I’m h-here,” he answered. “Does my number work?” He wasn’t even sure why he was giving away his number but he could barely think.

“Perfectly. As long as I can reach either of you it’s okay. Is Wednesday okay, then?”

“Y-yeah. Sure.”

Maybe the person behind the phone had picked up on the quivering of his voice because he was rapidly saying, “It’s okay if you consult with Mr. Nakamoto Yuta. He has my number already, so give us a call when you decide on the date, is that okay?”

“Yes. Thank you.”

“No worries, sir. We’ll be waiting for your call. Please, do try to contact us as soon as possible so we can fix a day for you immediately.”

“We’ll do that. Thank you.” Doyoung was sure the person on the other side of line thought he was a little loose in the head since he kept answering with a robotic, emotion-devoid voice. After all, he had never done well with impromptu events.

“Great. Have a nice day!” And before Doyoung could even greet back, the agent hung up.

Doyoung stood there, telephone in his hand and ears ringing. The first thing he did after returning the telephone to its place was fetch his phone and google “Akon Agency.” As he had kind of predicted, it was a real estate agency. 

He tried to search in his brain for any possible mentions of the agency in his conversations with Yuta but he couldn’t come up with anything. Yuta had never mentioned them.

The questions resting on his shoulders now were why had Yuta appointed a house tour behind his back? Was Yuta planning on moving out alone? 

It made zero sense.

The only possible solution he could think of was that Yuta had kept it a secret from him as a surprise. Perhaps Yuta wanted to buy a house -quite a big step may Doyoung add - with Doyoung and had wanted it to be a surprise. 

Such a realization knocked the breath out of Doyoung.

I don’t want time to think, I want you, Doyoung!

The memory of Yuta’s desperate voice rang in his ears and made him wince. Such an unpleasant reminder only served to cement what he had been inadvertently trying to sweep under the carpet. 

Wasn’t it enough that it was me, the one who you were doing all those things with? You made me feel like I wasn’t worth the try because I  was second-hand.

The memories just kept coming back, a squeeze of lemon over his open wounds, assertive and burning in the worst of ways. Yuta had said “second-hand.” Fucking second-hand . And damn, hadn’t Doyoung been treating their relationship like that?

Yuta had never treated Doyoung like that, had never made him feel any less than his first everything. 

Get your shit together , Jaehyun had said, with finality and a bit of anger bleeding into his voice. 

And Doyoung did some thinking, got his shit together, head swirling almost dizzily, carved deep into his heart. What did he want? What did he want Yuta to do? What was he willing to do for his relationship? What was it that had really bothered Doyoung about Yuta’s secret?

It was almost instantaneous, how easily he got all the answers. And maybe it had been like that because most of the answers stemmed from a single fact that remained unchangeable, a fact that had never quivered and one that had been unquestionable. 

Doyoung loved Yuta.

Doyoung was in love with Yuta the way singers sang their hearts out in cheesy songs, was in love with him the way romantic movies portrayed romantic love in the most unrealistic and exaggerated of ways, was in love with him like Icarus loved the Sun, unhinged and passionately, willing to burn and burn and burn for his other half. Doyoung loved Yuta like he had never loved anyone else, like Yuta was the anchor above the water that stopped him from sinking down, the one who held his hand and kept squeezing tight instead of letting go no matter what.

Yuta was Doyoung’s entire world.

His fingers were quick.

Akon Agency called. We need to talk.

{-}

The buzzing from the bus wasn’t enough to quell the lump of panic that had decided to root in Yuta’s throat once he saw Doyoung’s text. If anything, the vines had grown larger than expected, gently wrapping themselves around his windpipe, irritating its walls when Yuta so much as breathed. Their ends kept rubbing and rubbing, as if poking Yuta, trying to coax the tears out of him, slowly but surely.

He had completely forgotten about the real estate agency and was now deeply regretting not giving his cellphone number. The call sure had come at one hell of a time. Yuta had been waiting for the call quite eagerly, he couldn’t wait to tell Doyoung he had set an appointment for them to go house hunting together. Because Yuta had ultimately decided that he wanted to have Doyoung in his life forever if possible, and there was nothing more that he aspired to than to have his own real house with Doyoung and Iguro. It was a huge step in their relationship but Yuta had never been more sure about anything and he had hoped Doyoung felt the same way.

Now, though, he wasn’t so sure.

Once he made sure their financial situation would allow them to take out a loan, everything else was easy to figure out. Ten had helped him look for real nice agencies that fit what he wanted perfectly.

Of course, all of that had been prior to Yuta screaming at Doyoung that they were over. 

Well shit, wasn’t it ideal?

Yuta had almost passed out from all the crying on Ten and Johnny’s bed the previous night, had kicked and shouted and cursed and cried and then cursed again. Not a pretty experience, if he said so himself.

And then Doyoung’s text came through. Daunting. Threatening. 

Yuta didn’t want to break up with Doyoung, he had said such a thing in the heat of the moment, clearly lost in a sea of unrivaled anger and frustration, words spitting out without a second thought whatsoever. And Doyoung had just walked away, taking all the shattered pieces of Yuta’s heart with him.

Could it really be? That Yuta’s secret had really been the last straw for Doyoung? He refused to believe such a thing, the memory of all his happy years with Doyoung couldn’t be overshadowed by something like that, right? He desperately needed to believe it so or else Yuta would truly descend into a place he was sure he never wanted to go.

“Yuta!” Mark greeted him before he could get into his building.

“Hey, Mark,” Yuta said, smiling in a way that didn’t give away that he was about to break down any minute now. Maybe he wasn’t too convincing because the younger boy just furrowed his eyebrows.

“Everything alright? Are you hurt?” Mark, poor and sweet and kind but with a horrible timing Mark asked, softly touching Yuta’s elbow. And in any other moment he would immediately welcome such a nice gesture but not now, when any show of kindness would most likely send him into a fit of sobs.

“Just a little tired.” Yuta yawned for effect. “You know how work is.”

The other nodded slowly and Yuta could see he wasn’t convinced.

“What are you doing outside the building, though? Don’t you have a neighbourhood to patrol?”

Mark flushed a little.

“Ah, yeah. It’s just. I haven't seen you much these days since I was sent somewhere else and I thought I could catch you to say hi.”

Oh. Why was Mark so nice when Yuta needed less of it?

“Well, if you miss me that much you can come over for dinner when I’m done with work, sounds good?”

The young police officer positively brightened up at the suggestion.

“Sweet! That’d be nice. Sorry for keeping you here, ha-ha. I’ll leave now, say ‘hi’ to Doyoung for me.”

“Sure. Take care, Mark.” Yuta sent one last strained smile to the other before quickly ducking into his building, afraid Mark would start playing detective on him.

The ride in the lift had never seemed so incredibly slow, the little numbers on the metal panel that lit up with every floor reached seemed to mock Yuta, taking forever to change. All Yuta could hear now was the insistent thrumming of his heart in his ears, he was sure even the veins in his neck were pulsating with the way all the blood in his system seemed to flow quite strongly, heart working overtime.

God, Yuta really felt like passing out right there in the tiny space of the lift and he truly wished he would at least make it to his and Doyoung’s door. 

Once he reached his floor, all the little courage he had mustered to enter the building suddenly vanished into thin air, a hollow and cold feeling rapidly installing in lieu of the fleeting braveness he had felt five minutes ago. He so desperately wanted to trust Doyoung, wanted to trust their relationship but the memory of Doyoung just standing there, refusing to speak still burned brightly in his memory. A sore reminder that perhaps things could go very wrongly. 

His hands were shaking when he tried to insert the key and immediately realized Doyoung had taken Iguro to Kun’s house given that their kitty started meowing quite loudly whenever he heard the jingle of the keys.

It was dead silent, now.

Yuta guessed Doyoung would be waiting for him in their tiny dining room, the room chosen by experience to have petty fights and arguments in. Though this time around it wouldn’t be a small disagreement regarding the colour of the curtains or whether to order Chinese or Thai for takeout.

Once he opened the door it was very much like what he had expected, Doyoung was sitting at the table, which looked empty without Yuta’s books and notebooks overflowing on the small surface. It was obvious Doyoung had cleared out the table.It was a sad image and Yuta wasn’t sure why such a detail filled him with despair.

Doyoung didn’t look so fresh and Yuta thought at least he wasn’t the only one who looked like he had gone through hell and back. Yet, no matter how worn out his boyfriend looked, Yuta’s heart didn’t waste a moment to start thumping loudly. The knot in his throat and stomach had already begun to dissolve, because no matter the circumstances, the image of Doyoung had never failed to put Yuta at ease, and such a thing didn’t seem likely to change overnight.

Doyoung’s frame anchored him in a way that made Yuta believe he would float away if the other wasn’t next to him, pulling him back to solid ground. Even now, when Yuta was drowning because of Doyoung, even if the other was the reason he was feeling so hurt, his boyfriend triggered the same reaction within Yuta all the same.

Safety.

“Yuta,” Doyoung greeted him. He cleared his throat a little when he realised how squeaky it had come out. “Yuta, hi.”

“Hi,” Yuta replied, a little breathless. He made his way towards the table and sat down in front of his boyfriend. 

Neither spoke, waiting for the other to perhaps take that first step. 

Doyoung didn’t utter a word because even if he had rehearsed what he would say when Yuta stood in front of him, his mind was blank now. The moment Yuta appeared, all sense and caution was thrown out the window though, and now all Doyoung wanted to do was embrace his boyfriend, kiss him silly and ask for forgiveness, mature conversation be damned.

Yet he knew if they really wanted to keep being together, they couldn’t  just sweep everything under the rug and pretend nothing happened. Especially since Yuta had kind of implied they were over and Doyoung wanted nothing more than to clear that. It was a bit contradictory though that he was too afraid to bring it up.

There was the agency thingy, too. The issue with mistrust and insecurity was also something that needed to be addressed.

There were so many things to talk about yet Doyoung couldn’t really care less at the moment, not when Yuta was just right across him and he hadn’t kissed him once.

“I’m sorry,” Yuta suddenly said. “I didn’t mean to say that. I-. I don’t want things to be over. For us. I don’t. I don’t want to break up with you. So. Like. That. I wanted to put that out there. Let’s not break up. At least, if you ask me, I don’t want to. I don’t know about you.”

“Oh, thank God,” Doyoung sighed, putting his elbows on the table and burying his face in his hands. He could slowly feel his soul returning to his body. Inadvertently, his eyes slowly filled with tears, the relief that Yuta wanted to be with him too big and overwhelming to keep it contained. 

The sound of the chair’s legs dragging over the floor made Doyoung look up in time to catch Yuta throwing himself at him. It was an odd position, Doyoung’s torso was slightly bent and Yuta was hugging him, almost kneeling on the floor

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry for everything, Doyoung. I didn’t mean to lie to you, I didn’t mean to keep things from you. I’m sorry I hurt you, I’m so fucking sorry. I love you, you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I don’t wanna lose you. I love you so much, Doyoung, please believe me. I’ll be better, please don’t leave me.”

At such words, Doyoung’s eyes filled with more tears, his heart squeezing uncomfortably at the thought that Yuta had considered, even if very faintly, the idea that Doyoung could leave him. As if.

Yuta felt himself be pulled upwards by Doyoung’s arms, and then immediately felt himself pulled into a tight hug, his face squished against Doyoung’s chest.

“No, please. Baby, don’t apologize. If anything, I’m the one who should be apologizing. I’m sorry for not trusting you, I’m sorry for pushing you to lie and I’m so sorry I handled things the way I did the other day. I love you.”

Yuta said nothing and just hugged Doyoung tighter, breathing into his familiar scent.

“Let’s just be better,” Yuta whispered once he found his voice again, “together.”

Doyoung nodded, rocking them both silently, softly.

They stood there, just soaking in each other’s comfort, hearts falling into a familiar and tranquil rhythm.

“So,” Doyoung started. “The agency? What’s that all about?”

Yuta stiffened between his arms and then groaned, burying his face further into Doyoung’s chest so he wouldn’t need to look at him.

“Come on,” Doyoung tried to put some distance between him and Yuta but the other wouldn’t have it, immediately gluing himself back to his boyfriend's body. Doyoung chuckled, amused by Yuta’s behaviour.

“You see, I don’t think we can talk like this,” he tried again. “Although I don’t mind having you all over me.”

Yuta sighed. He knew there were still lots of things they needed to talk about but he really didn’t feel like separating from Doyoung yet. It had only been like two days but he had missed his boyfriend terribly. It felt like a whole year had gone by.

“Alright, let’s sit then,” he finally gave up, not without giving a last squeeze to Doyoung’s frame.”

{-}

Against all odds, it seemed Doyoung was actually able to fall in love even harder for Yuta. With every word the other said, with every little recount of how Yuta had actually thought long and hard about his decision to contact a real estate agency, of how he checked their bank accounts, of how he had discussed it with Ten, of how excited and nervous he was to tell Doyoung he wanted to spend the rest of his life with him. Yuta was thrilled to share the news with him because even if he knew it was a huge step in their relationship, Yuta had never felt any more sure about a decision. Doyoung, in Yuta’s words, was the love of his life and the person he would choose over and over again.

Of course, Doyoung had bawled like a baby while he listened to his boyfriend’s thoughts.

“And Doyoung, I know I really shouldn’t bring this up now but,” Yuta took Doyoung’s hand in his over the table. “I never thought so seriously about settling down with someone. You’re my first. For real, this time. So, if you feel like it, want to buy a house with me? So our lovely child can run.”

Perhaps the Doyoung from before would have been thrilled to hear such words leaving his boyfriend's mouth, but this new Doyoung that had had time to ponder his relationship and what he wanted from it, was far more thrilled at the prospect of getting a real house with the love of his life.

“I would love to get a house with you, Nakamoto Yuta. Heck, I even jumped from a plane for you. I hope you know I want everything to do with you and whatever you want in life, I also want it. Because I love you and I will continue to do so for a long, long, time. So I hope you don’t chicken out.”

Yuta laughed, eyes rapidly brimming with happy tears.

“As if! You better not chicken out, Kim Doyoung. Because I won’t have it.”

“Fair enough.”

Yuta stood up and walked towards Doyoung, a smile easily appearing on his face. He tugged the other by the hand so he could stand up as well.

“Now come here,” he said, lacing his arms behind Doyoung’s neck and bringing him down for a kiss.

The other was quick to give in, immediately wrapping his arms around Yuta’s waist, wasting no time to bring him closer and closer, until they were chest to chest. 

Oh, how much Doyoung had missed the familiar warmth and taste of Yuta’s mouth, the borderline tooth rotting taste of his tongue, the soft little gasps, and the way his body became pliant and easy to maneuver under Doyoung’s hands. Yuta was a dream come true and he couldn't believe that for a moment Doyoung had doubted they would work out.

How could they not work out? When Yuta’s mouth fit so seamlessly to his own, when Doyoung’s hand fit like a puzzle around Yuta’s waist, when their bodies responded so quickly to each other. It was as if Doyoung had been made for Yuta, and Yuta for Doyoung.

Kindred spirits.

The rest didn’t really matter, as long as Doyoung got to hold Yuta between his arms again and again.

The rest didn’t really matter.

{-}

Doyoung was fast asleep but Yuta couldn’t sleep, the rush of finally moving in with Doyoung still running high in his bloodstream. Perhaps their apartment wasn’t the biggest thing ever and Iguro really didn’t have a place to go out and stretch his legs but for now, it would have to do. Not that Yuta minded too much, as long as he got to be with Doyoung anywhere was fine.

He knew Doyoung tried too hard to bring new things into Yuta’s life and it usually got Yuta feeling a bit restless. Sometimes it even made him feel guilty, made him feel like he had nothing new to offer to Doyoung. It even made him feel insecure, perhaps one day Doyoung would grow tired of that never-ending quest he not so subtly embarked in.

Yet, when Doyoung had dropped the key of his apartment onto Yuta’s palm, the thoughts that riddled Yuta’s mind more frequently than he liked to admit vanished into thin air. There had only been affection then, his heart growing fonder and fonder and fonder . Yuta had never experienced something so intense before, a feeling that had threatened to set him ablaze given just how much it warmed Yuta from the inside out. 

Yuta wasn’t sure if Doyoung would ever know it, or would accept it. He was positive Doyoung would only accept victory if it came from him and him only. Yuta would let him try a thousand times more, would allow himself to be led to every kind of activity to ease Doyoung’s mind. He could keep a secret.

Because Doyoung might not be aware of it but he was the first person ever in Yuta’s life that had made him experience life and love in such an unrestrained manner. He was the first person ever Yuta could envision his future with, the first person ever that had made him reconsider his thoughts about long-time partners.

Yuta really couldn’t wait to put a ring on Doyoung’s finger. And maybe that wouldn't happen for some time, they had just moved in together after all. But Yuta could wait. He could hold on for some time until he could let Doyoung know he would be the first person he would call ‘husband’. The first person Yuta would call his ‘greatest love’. 

Doyoung might not have been Yuta’s first in a lot of senses, but he was and he would become the first in the most important aspects of Yuta’s life. The ones that mattered the most. The ones that Yuta intended to make them last.

And the last.