Chapter Text
Seeing Kurogane lying so still in the other room did not do anything to soothe Fai’s nerves. Kurogane was active and vibrant, and him laying down so passively in the next room, waiting for Fai to act, just seemed so at odds with everything he knew about the man. Yukito’s medicines had something to do with the stillness, Fai was sure, but in the moment, the Kurogane Fai had come to Japan with and the one so full of child he was ready to pop seemed to be two different men.
Though, Fai supposed, he himself had changed as well. When they’d set out on this endeavor all those months ago, Fai had barely had the stamina to back up the volume of power and level of precision the spells had required, and although he had done much to improve his state in the time since, today was not going to be any less strenuous. On the contrary, the risk today was significantly higher — he knew that, Yukito knew that, and Kurogane, damnably, knew that.
The knowledge had been at the forefront of their fight the night before, and Fai was still reeling at how stupid and selfish Kurogane’s request had been.
“If it comes down to me or the child — ”
Fai hadn’t even let him finish the statement, but that hadn’t stopped the argument. Words like irrational and stubborn and reckless had been thrown around (and in the light of day, Fai couldn’t even properly remember which of them had wielded each) until Fai, fed up and wound too tight, had left to seek the peace of sleep elsewhere.
Now, doing the final preparations for the child, he was still seething at the sheer audacity of what Kurogane was suggesting. He was sure it sounded so noble on paper — as just about everything Kurogane ever suggested did — but the reality of it was cruel.
If it comes down to me or the child, your priority is the child.
If it comes down to me or the child, you have to let me go.
If it comes down to me or the child, you must continue my dream of having a family, even if I won’t be there to help you do it, even if it was a dream that was never yours.
If it comes down to me or the child, you will need to love them alone. You will need to raise them alone. You will look at them every day, a spitting image of me, a two-person family you did not ask for, reminding you of how you failed to save me, and still somehow continue to love the both of you.
And you’ll have to do it alone.
Fai refused to honor that nonsense, and so he quietly went through the final briefing with Yukito, who hesitated at the instruction. “Suwa-dono told me the opposite.”
“Kuro-sama is an idiot,” Fai muttered, knowing full well no one else would be able to get away with speaking of their lord in such terms. “The child is still theoretical but he is alive in fact and I intend to keep him that way.” It sounded cold — even for him, even for the frost of his homelands that still tinged all shades of his anger — and something of that sentiment showed on Yukito’s face as Fai gathered the final implements, and so he softened his tone. “Besides, if he makes it, we can try again.”
Yukito smiled in that knowing way he had, as if he had seen right through you and learned more about you than you did about yourself. “I understand.”
Fai really hoped he did, because if both of them chose to fight him over this, he wasn’t so sure he’d win.
Yukito entered the room where Kurogane was waiting first, kneeling besides where the man was waiting to check one more time on the child before they began, but Kurogane’s eyes only flicked to Yukito briefly, opting to find Fai instead, slightly glazed, as they had been when they had done the initial procedure, and seeking. It was hard to stay mad at that face, and Fai didn’t really want to try as he, too, came to his knees at Kurogane’s side.
“Everything’s in order,” Yukito murmured as Fai reached in with his magic as well, mapping out Kurogane’s body as exactly as he could.
“Thank you,” Fai acknowledged, and Yukito must have recognized the dismissal in his voice, as the man retreated to where he’d be waiting and monitoring, ready to jump in at a moment’s notice.
That seemed to be what Kurogane was waiting for. “Fai —”
“You’re supposed to be resting,” Fai chided without any force behind his words, allowing his magic to linger as an excuse to stay when that portion of the task was already complete.
“What I said last night — ”
“It’s fine — ”
“I was asking too much of you and I’m sorry.”
Fai didn’t like that he was right and he didn’t like how Kurogane could still look so grim beneath the influence of as many potions as Yukito had administered. It all felt like a bad omen and so he chased it away with a huff as he mussed Kurogane’s hair. “Apologize when your head’s back on straight.”
The corner of Kurogane’s mouth quirked up and that was enough to lighten Fai’s heart some, and all for the better because his very bones could feel as the ascendant inched steadily onward, as the moon crept along below the sky, as the near-perfect trine lined up along the horizon to form a kite within the stars, Jupiter nudging into the 12th house along the way.
There really wouldn’t be a better opportunity than this and so Fai stood, backing off a few paces for the positioning he and Yukito had decided would be optimal. “Let’s begin.”
The space was cleared in a chant Fai now knew by rote, even if his voice never quite sounded like his own to his ears when he performed it, and he allowed the effects to settle and still, allowing no opportunity for interference for the next step as he called magic he was much more familiar with to his fingers.
It had been determined that these next two steps would need to happen near simultaneously for the widest safety margin: a protective bubble to both safeguard against any ill effects from the transportation spell and to thoroughly isolate both lives to better define where each began and ended, and the initiation of independent life as all the support Kurogane’s body provided was cut off by that very same spell. Fai could feel as one life became two in a very similar way to how Chii had been built from that feather so many lifetimes ago, and all Fai had to do was trace along the separation until the two were split and the third step could begin. He could feel his magic inch around the child, carefully mapping out that space so as to not accidentally cut into one person or another —
Then the child shifted, and the incomplete shield failed in that spot, and Fai adjusted to bolster the area when the child shifted again and it collapsed in another area. Fai could feel Yukito shift beside him, sensing something was off even if Fai hadn’t allowed the unexpected complication to show just yet. He could get this. He’d practiced and practiced and practiced and he could get this .
But the longer he tried the more the child moved and Fai and Yukito both knew the potential danger of the child lingering inside too long once independence had begun, and even if Fai refused to show the panic, his strain was becoming apparent enough that it was showing in his breathing. “I can’t isolate them!”
Yukito cut in sharp and level, brooking no argument: “Fai-san.”
Fai glanced down, knowing what he’d see and not wanting to see it. They’d planned for this. They knew what would have to be done if the transportation failed for any reason. The child couldn’t stay in there indefinitely; the two of them would have to be separated or they’d lose them both.
Fai still did not want to look at the knife.
He released his breath and the still struggling spell and took it in hand anyway. Before him, Kurogane had visibly braced himself, or was possibly in pain now that the ritual was stuck in a half-completed state, but there was no time to stop and try to determine which, and Fai stepped forward to do what needed to be done. His magic was more exact in reading the state and position of tissues within the body. He could cut — he could accept responsibility for this entire doomed event — and Yukito could focus on healing as they went along.
This was no time to hesitate. He had to be swift, and so he did not do more than glance at Kurogane’s face in apology and read the morbid acceptance plain there, before he pushed the fabric of the yukata aside and, allowing his magic to guide his hands, he cut into Kurogane’s abdomen with all the precision he’d ever shown in the battlefield.
Kurogane did not scream — barely sucked in a breath through his clenched teeth — and somehow that made it worse — made the scene feel more surreal. Blood rushed forward despite Fai’s attempts at creating hasty barriers to stem the tide, and still Fai sliced upwards and then another stroke across until he could spot the child inside. Quickly, carefully, he removed the child, taking care to finish the half-done tie of her umbilical cord his magic had started before everything had fallen apart, and started to clean around her face while Yukito rushed to attend Kurogane’s wounds, but even with her face clear she wasn’t crying and that wasn’t right. She was just born and she should be crying, every other live baby Fai’d ever seen born had been crying, and she should be breathing and Fai didn’t know anything concrete about healing but he knew the motions of the lungs and so he directed his magic to pluck at her small ribs as if with strings to encourage that cavity to expand, terrified to apply any more force lest he ruin her body altogether.
She coughed and then she screamed and in the near-silence of the room it was the most wonderful sound Fai could imagine, but the relief he felt as he cradled her close was shadowed by the dread that she’d be the only one they’d save. “How can I help?” Fai blurted as he turned back to Yukito and Kurogane, balancing the child in his lap as he did so.
“Have I missed any bleeding?” Yukito asked with urgency, and Fai wordlessly pushed his magic forward again, looking for any tear Yukito may have missed, any damage that may have been overlooked in the frenzy.
There was none, and for a split-second, the panic that no more bleeding meant no more blood sliced Fai’s heart, but Kurogane was breathing — labored in pain and no longer awake, but he was breathing, and his heart pumping, and he was alive and — Fai slumped as much as he could without crushing the child in his lap. “I can’t feel any.”
They were alive. They were both alive despite how terribly he’d screwed this up. All his planning and work and he’d nearly — Yukito’s hand landed softly against his shoulder. “You did well,” Yukito assured. Fai didn’t believe him.
The child continued to wail in his lap, and Fai mechanically cradled her against his breast, looking around anxiously. “Is the wet nurse nearby?”
“Let me see,” Yukito beckoned, reaching forward instead, and Fai passed her to him. Yukito’s magic worked, warm and gentle, before he passed her back. “Why don’t you keep her for now?” he suggested.
Fai accepted her, though not without reservation, heart still fluttering with the residual panic. “She isn’t hungry?”
“What you both need is rest.”
The protective instinct Fai felt for Kurogane translated to him clutching the child even closer. “I can’t leave him.”
“You don’t have to,” Yukito promised, “But you still need to rest.”
“I — ” There was still so much to do, not the least of which being getting the three of them cleaned up (any of the attendants could do that). Then there was double-checking Kurogane’s functions now that he was out of crisis (Yukito could do that), and fetching the wet nurse (Yukito could send for her), and making sure there was food and drink when they woke (another task the attendants could do), and the list went on and on while Fai played out the entire argument with Yukito in his head, but the plain truth was that everything there was left to do could be done by someone else.
He’d already attempted his part and failed. There was nothing left to do but to rest.
“Alright,” he conceded and the word felt like admitting defeat, but by the way Yukito visibly relaxed, it was enough. Fai was still too wired to lay down, but he scootched until his back was against the wall and he was sitting perpendicular to how Kurogane laid, allowing him to look over him from an optimal position to monitor and act if need be. His mind knew Yukito had taken care of any immediate concerns, but every other part of Fai was on high alert, and it was only after a long moment of staring at Kurogane that Fai realized the child half on his shoulder was still crying.
The attempt to bounce her felt awkward and unskilled, but she did quiet a little while Fai glanced around, feeling lost and wondering just when Yukito had snuck away.
When they’d planned this, Fai had expected Kurogane would have wanted to monopolize her and that he could learn by watching him. Kurogane was the one with the parental instincts. Kurogane was the one who wanted this as much as life itself.
Fai was not prepared for this — didn’t even have parental memories to draw upon for clues — or anything else that had happened since Kurogane had attempted to join him for sleep.
Kurogane —
Fai started out of his daze and checked over Kurogane again. Nothing had changed, and rationally Fai knew Kurogane would probably be sleeping for some time, but every instinct of his was primed for whatever disaster would come next, because that’s just what happened around him (no, that wasn’t right; it had seemed that way because of manipulations beyond his control; it hadn’t been his own luck at all) and he’d nearly killed the both of them (untested magic can be like that and all of them had been aware of that from the start) and he’d probably never be trusted around here again (then why had Kurogane looked relieved that he had been the one holding the knife) especially not with his magic (“you did well”) and when he was no more use to anyone then what would happen — and vaguely Fai realized he was bouncing and some corner of his mind not racing as quickly of the rest of it wondered at why.
Oh, the baby. He had to take care of the baby, and Fai forced his focus outwards enough to check on her, but she was mostly quiet now, making curious little noises, but she didn’t seem distressed, so that was probably a good thing, maybe, hopefully.
“Tea?” Yukito offered from the doorway, and Fai very much wanted something much stronger than tea, but there was still the baby.
“Please,” Fai said, not caring if he sounded desperate or wrecked in the moment. Decorum was the least of his priorities right now, and when Yukito passed him the warm cup, Fai took great pains to make sure he didn’t accidentally scald the baby as he took his first sip, and Yukito stifled a giggle at that. “What?”
Yukito’s amusement didn’t fade. “Did you want me to hold her so you can drink in peace?”
Fai was pretty sure he was supposed to be taking care of her, but he really did need that drink and so he passed her over carefully and Yukito accepted her with a much more practiced air, settling her in his lap and drinking like a normal person and not whatever Fai was sure he’d looked like a moment ago. To hell with it, he had no idea what he was doing and Yukito knew that. It took all his self control not to knock back the rest of that tea like it was liquor. “I have no idea what I’m doing.”
“Most first parents don’t,” Yukito offered. “It will get easier.”
Fai wasn’t so certain.