Chapter Text
???: Hello Chums!
Dirk: Oh good, he’s fine.
Jake: Hello again.
???: Bit of a bloody misstep back there, wandering off without me!
???: There’s all sorts of nasties you can run into when you’re thinking without a guide!
???: Restless pondering has never done anyone any good.
Dirk: Okay that’s patently untrue.
Jake: *Sigh*.
Dirk: Quiet contemplation is the breeding ground for new ideas, nobody ever came up with anything groundbreaking in a food court.
???: Goodness me, give a man a 4x4 plot in a fella’s head and he thinks he knows all there is to know about the mental landscape.
Dirk: Jackass, I’m a Heart player. We’re built and bred to coast these liminal highways like we’re cruising down the 66 at midnight.
???: Oh, my aspect made me do it! What a classic. Did your aspect make you a huge assface as well?
Dirk: Well, actually there’s-
Jake: Lads, I’m too dehydrated to experience this.
Jake: Where to next.
???: Jakey-boy I love your attitude, I have just the place in mind!
???: Ta-da!!
Dirk: Oh what the fresh fucking hell is this supposed to be.
Jake: Uhhh…
???: It’s a movie-theatre!
???: Like an old-timey one.
Dirk: …
Jake: Oh!
Jake: …
???: See, because I’m wearing the-
Dirk: Yeah no we get it.
???: What’s wrong with it?
Jake: Um! Well I haven’t indulged in the ol’ movie habit in theatres perse!
Jake: Seeing as I have a very nice theatre at home and well…
Jake: I’m very recognisable and all.
Dirk: Looks like shit.
Jake: BRAIN GHOST DIRK!!
???: What?! No it doesn’t!!
Dirks: Looks like a great heaping pile of shit brother.
Jake: Brain Ghost Dirk stop, you’re being very rude.
Jake: It’s not that bad looking.
???: ...What?
Dirk: Dude this is a half assed cinema right here. Where did you even get this carpet texture?
???: It’s authentic to the period I was going for!
Dirk: Yeah, the shitty period.
???: ENOUGH!! You can either go confront whatever weird problem Jake has with women that the pink tentacle mother monster represents, or you can get in my shitty cinema and watch a movie.
???: You ungrateful little bastards.
Jake: What?! I don’t have a problem with women!!
Jake: That’s not what the…
Jake: Well, I don’t know what she ‘represents’, but it’s a bit callous of you to insinuate that!
???: Right, I’m sure everyone’s inner demons look like burlesque tradwives.
Dirk: I hate this conversation, this sucks.
Jake: Yes, holy shit.
Jake: Let’s watch a movie I guess.
???: Yay!!
???: And while we’re at it, let’s get into something a bit more cozy!
???: There we are, a little pyjama party, just the three of us!
???: (You’ll notice, Mr. Strider that I’m making every effort to include you despite your frankly appalling behaviour)
Dirk: Brain Demon Jake, if I ever figure out how to give your metaphorical little ass a swirly, it’s over for you.
???: Don’t call me that, I’m not a demon.
Dirk: What do I call you then?
???: Nice try.
???: Narrative reveals happen at the end of the story, dumbass!
Dirk: Fuck.
Jake: Oh! I recognise these, they’re the little pyjamas you got when you slept on the moon house castle thing.
Jake: I don’t remember them being quite this… comfortable?
Jake: Nice stomach.
Dirk: Thanks.
Jake: Goodness it’s cold out here though, and not just on my legs…
Jake: Oh no…
Jake: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!?
???: It was ugly!!
Jake: NOOOOO!!!
Dirk: Dude it’s just a dream, it’ll be there when you wake up.
Jake: That’s rather besides the point!!
Jake: My beautiful stache… so underappreciated… so cultured…
???: It was very ugly Jake. I didn’t like it.
Jake: Fuck you!!!
Jake: Ugh just,
Jake: Let's watch the movie.
Jake: I’m ready to get out of here.
Dirk: So…
Dirk: What are we watching?
???: Well I won’t spoil too much, but it’s a dramatic retelling of real-life events!!
???: There will be tears, and romance, and action, but most importantly we will all learn something about ourselves.
???: Which is, in my opinion, one of the truly magnificent things about the medium of cinema.
???: It makes sense that you would be attracted to it Jake, the great and varied school of film studies.
Jake: It does?
???: Yes!
???: You know, I take you for a bit of an atypical learner, a real emotional type.
???: You’re attracted to lessons in a narrative format because it helps you contextualise the world from an outsider's perspective.
???: Which, for someone who didn’t spend any time learning the nuts and bolts of socialisation growing up, would be a godsend!
???: I bet there’s some real interesting observations about the world you’ve put together watching movies.
Dirk: You know one time I watched the Transformers movies with him, and he turned to me after and said;
Dirk: So were they cars turned into robots or robots turned into cars?
???: Shut up.
Dirk: Stop kissing his ass with character development you’ve pulled out of nowhere.
???: Well, now that Mr. Strider has diligently left us with another of his excellent and necessary opinions, of which he seems to have an absolute fuckton, let me deliver a foreword.
???: I worked really hard on this movie Jake, I’d love it if you watched it all the way through.
???: Really think about the themes, the narrative, what it means to you!
???: Can you promise me?
Jake: Uh…
Jake: Sure, pal.
???: Wonderful, then let us begin!!
The curtains open, the scene is set. A magnificently shitty looking landscape bleeds into focus. Squinting past the deep fried artifacts and oversaturated buildings, Jake realises it’s a familiar sight. It’s the Human Kingdom, in Earth C.
The camera zooms in on the glare of the belltower and a distressing sight pops into focus. Dirk, as familiar as he was the last time Jake saw him with an especially crispy looking jpeg rifle. He seems preoccupied, waiting for some kind of signal-
Dirk: Yeah, enough of that.
Jake: Dirk?
???: What?! What did you-
???: IS THAT A REMOTE CONTROL?!
???: This is a cinema, you can’t do that!
Dirk: Sorry, wasn’t enjoying your manipulative little soiree into stupid plot shit. We don’t need to see that.
???: Oh god look at it, ewwww! It’s got like, 30 pixels.
???: Where did you get that thing?
Dirk: You think you’re the only one who can do the jpeg compression shuffle?
Dirk: Bitch, I learned from the master.
???: You’re going to ruin the pacing, I can’t believe this!
Jake: I’m utterly lost.
Jake: What are you fighting about?
Dirk: Nothing, let’s fast forward.
???: NOOOOOOOO!!!!
The scene skips ahead at a breakneck speed, until it stops on a shot as mind-bendingly weird as it is creepingly familiar. Dirk has muted the audio, but Jake knows this particular conversation very well. On the floor, Movie!Jake is losing his absolute shit, shuffling and sobbing like a child. Above him, Movie!Dirk stands impassive. As unaffected as he is by every minor inconvenience that has ever happened to him. Jake feels something ugly stir in his belly at the sight.
???: You know I went to all this trouble to include you, despite everything in my better judgement telling me otherwise,
???: And this is how you behave?!
Dirk: Yeah, likely story.
Dirk: I wasn’t born yesterday bro, your weird little mind games to turn him against me are fucking laughably bad.
???: Well, maybe so! But maybe you deserve it!
???: You’re such a bad influence on him, you’re going to lead him astray if you haven’t irreversibly done so already!
Dirk: I know you are but what am I.
???: RAAAAAAGH!!!!
???: I have HAD it!!
???: You need to get OUT!!
Dirk: Woah, bro, don’t lunge at me.
Dirk: What are you, gay?
???: God you’re so problematic! You think it’s cute, to insinuate that my violence towards you is homosexuality? You think that's a fun stereotype to perpetuate? Also??? I’m currently projecting myself as a thirteen year old???? Gross, much???
???: You don’t get a free pass to promote a toxic environment just because you’re gay.
Dirk: Why are you so obsessed with me.
???: Get over here, I’m going to kill you dead.
Dirk: Nah.
???: Oh what the-
???: What’s going on?
Dirk: Yeah I’m not some run of the mill brain cockroach you can just Thanos snop twice bro.
Dirk: I learn fast.
???: GRRRRR! Get out!!!
Dirk: Make me.
Dirk: Oh wait.
???: How do you have friends? How do people love you? You’re such a-
???: A…
???: sniff
Dirk: Dude are you crying?
???: No!
Dirk: Are you crying like a little baby?
???: NO! Fuck you!!!
Dirk: Little baby demon Jake McCry pants?
Jake: Brain Ghost Dirk.
Dirk: Huh?
Jake: Did it really look like this?
Jake: That day before Real Dirk left.
Jake: Did I look like that to you?
Dirk: Technically I wasn’t there bro.
Jake: Well, see, I’m not sure how much I believe that if I’m being honest!
Jake: The whole, ‘you and he are not the same’ song and dance.
Jake: A song and dance that seems to change depending on whatever the fuck suits you
Dirk: ...
???: ....
Jake: You’re doing a lot of damage control for a man you apparently have little to do with.
Jake: So what am I missing here?
Dirk: Dude,
Dirk: Trust me, this is a bad idea.
Jake: Right,
Jake: Let’s have a look then.
Jake presses the shitty rewind button on the shitty remote.
Jake: Oh God!!!
Dirk: Fuck, here we go.
Jake: You shot her? You shot Jade?
Jake: YOU SHOT MY GRANDDAUGHTER?
Dirk: She’s fine, it was a sleeping dart.
Jake: What on Earth?
Jake: You shot her with one of those things?!
Jake: Dirk those are for horses, you could really scramble her noggin!
Dirk: Dude, look, it’s complicated.
Dirk: The Dirk in your timeline is-
Jake: Complicated?! She’s the sweetest creature walking the planet!
Jake: YOU PUT HER TO SLEEP LIKE A MUTT!! HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE THIS?!
Dirk: Jake, there’s a lot going on here.
Dirk: There’s balls in the air, plans in motion. You’re only seeing half the-
Jake: Half the picture, yes, yes I’ve heard this one before.
???: (omg)
Jake: Poor silly Jake, too stupid to understand The Great Schemes of Dirk Strider.
Jake: You always do this, but you’ve taken it too far!
Jake: Jade has hurt absolutely nobody!
Dirk: Actually, she was being possessed by-
Jake: Golly, ENOUGH!
Jake: Weird Baby Me, can we help her?
???: Who, Jade?
???: It’s just a movie.
???: And while I’m glad you’re coming round to my perspective on One Dick Strider, he is technically correct.
???: She’s doing okay! Jade didn’t die.
Jake: So what, you show me this and expect me to do nothing.
Jake: NO SIR!
Jake: I’m done with inaction, I’m done being second man!
Jake: I won’t sit by the sidelines for this one, not for Jade!
Jake: This is my brain, I can change the rules!
Dirk: Oh for fucks sake.
Jake: I’M COMING JADE!
???: Jake what are you doing?
Dirk: Bro come back you look like an idiot.
Jake: Hup!
Jake charges with total confidence into the static on the screen. He may be a man of self-doubt, plagued by insecurity, but when the time comes, no one could truly accuse him of standing by and doing nothing. He has his limits, any of them sufficient to galvanize him into heroic action, and this just happens to be one of them. He hits the screen, and with a fizzle like soda pop on his tongue, he passes through.
He realises he fucked this up completely about 3 seconds afterwards. There’s no window, no sleeping relative to rescue, only freefall in an unending sky.
Jake: Oh no.
Jake: Jade?!
Jake: I gotcha!!
Jake: Jade, are you okay?
Jake: Haha, wow you’re very small.
Jake: And you look… different.
Jake: And on fire.
Jake: …
Jake: Grandma?
Jake: Blimey, Jade.
Jake: What the everloving fuck is going on.
Rose: That is a concerning thing to hear from the man holding the child corpse of my best friend.
Rose: Though I suppose it’s not the only concerning thing around here.
Jake: … Rose?
Rose: Hello Mr. English.