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Hork-Bajir Chronicles "Aldrea morphs Alloran" scene rewrite (comic script)

Summary:

This is a non-final draft of a script for a comic I'm planning. This one's a little closer to the plot than the first, and formatting's a bit better, but any critique is still greatly appreciated.

Gender and sex are weird, even on Earth. Why should aliens with greatly different biology and culture than ours have the same gender roles as a western-centric view of humanity? Sex isn't binary, and gender's a social construct, so let's have some aliens who reflect that.

 

((It's that one scene from tHBC, but if Andalites had five sexes instead of two, each with their own unique strengths, weaknesses, and stereotypes))

Notes:

(See the end of the work for notes.)

Work Text:

[MORPHING PANEL. STILL UNSURE HOW TO DEPICT THIS. ALDREA HAS A SHREDDER ON A BELT] NARRATION BOX(ES) SAYING: {It was so easy morphing Alloran that I barely knew it was happening. There was no mental change. I still had the same Andalite instincts.}

SECOND PANEL: [ALDREA, NOW LOOKING LIKE ALLORAN, WALKING THROUGH A CARVED DOORWAY] NARRATION BOX(ES): {But now, as I walked ahead of Dak, I felt the increased weight and physical power of being in an adult form.}

THIRD  PANEL: [BACK-TO SHOT OF ALDREA, LOOKING AT TAIL BLADE WITH BOTH STALK-EYES. IN DARK BUT SPACIOUS HALLWAY. DAK IS ALSO THERE] NARRATION BOX: {When I turned my stalk-eyes back, I saw the sharp and venomous tail blade of a striker.}

 

FOURTH PANEL: [ALDREA AND DAK, WALKING ALONG A WIDE LEDGE, PAST SOME DOORWAYS. GUARDS ARE IN VIEW, RELAXED AND CASUAL. LONG PANEL. ALDREA LOOKS CONFIDENT. SWAGGERING?] 

 

FIFTH PANEL: GUARDS STANDING AT ATTENTION. LOOKING AT ALDREA-AS-ALLORAN. EVERYONE IS AT DOORWAY.] 

SIXTH PANEL: [ALDREA-AS-ALLORAN, LOOKING STERN] THOUGHT-SPEECH BOX: {Report.} 

SEVENTH PANEL: [GUARD, LOOKING THOUGHTFUL] “OPEN” THOUGHT-SPEECH BOX: {Nothing new since...well, since this Hork-Bajir, or someone who looks just like them, came by with Seerow’s child today.} ALDREA-AS-ALLORAN’S REPLYING “OPEN” THOUGHT-SPEECH BOX: {Different Hork-Bajir. But then, they do all look alike. Open up.}

EIGHTH PANEL: SAME GUARD: {Yes, War-Prince Alloran. But the Hork-Bajir?}

 

TALLER NINTH PANEL: [ALDREA-AS-ALLORAN LOOKING AT GUARD WITH THREE EYES IN CONTEMPT, FOURTH EYE TO SIDE WITHOUT DAK] {Are you questioning me?}

TENTH PANEL: [GUARD LOOKS SCARED, BACKTRACKING] {No! No, War-Prince Alloran. Not at all.}

 

ELEVENTH PANEL: [ALDREA-AS-ALLORAN WALKING THROUGH OPENING DOOR. SMALL ONOMATOPOEIA “WOOSH” NEAR FLOOR. EDGE OF MACHINERY CAN BE SEEN] ALDREA-AS-ALLORAN: {Stay out there. Watch for the child. They may come back.}

TWELFTH PANEL: [SLIGHTLY WIDE SHOT OF MEDIUM SIZED ROOM. FULL oF EQUIPMENT AND MACHINERY, LOTS OF GLOWING. EERIE. Should probably make map ahead of time.] 

 

THIRTEENTH PANEL: [DAK AND ALDREA-AS-ALLORAN STAND IN FRONT OF NOW-CLOSED DOOR, LOOKING AROUND.]

FOURTEENTH PANEL: [SIMILAR SHOT TO PREVIOUS PANEL, MAYBE A BIT CLOSER. ALDREA AND DAK ARE STILL LOOKING AT MACHINERY.] DAK: “What is all this?” ALDREA, IN “CLOSED” THOUGHT-SPEECH TOWARDS DAK: {I have no idea. Some of this is Andalite, but I believe most of it is Arn.}

 

FIFTEENTH PANEL: [SLIGHTLY WIDE SHOT OF ALDREA WALKING TO COMPUTER PANEL]

SIXTEENTH PANEL: [ALDREA STANDING AT COMPUTER PANEL. THEY LOOK SLIGHTLY WORRIED.] ALDREA, IN “CLOSED” THOUGHT-SPEECH NOW INCLUDING THE COMPUTER: {Computer on.} COMPUTER, IN SYNTHESIZED THOUGHT-SPEECH: {Identify user.}

SEVENTEENTH AND EIGHTEENTH PANELS: [ALDREA TAKING DEEP BREATH.]

NINETEENTH PANEL: ALDREA, NOW LOOKING LESS SHAKY: {Alloran-Semitur-Corrass.} COMPUTER: {Thought-speak identification confirmed. Ready.}

 

TWENTIETH PANEL: [SHOT OF ALDREA AND DAK, LOOKING NERVOUS AND EXCITED. ALDREA LOOKING AT DAK? DAK SMILING AT ALDREA] ALDREA: {We will be in very serious trouble if we get caught.} DAK: “Aldrea, we’ve been in trouble since we first met.”

TWENTY-FIRST PANEL: ALDREA, LOOKING TOWARDS THE COMPUTER AGAIN: {Computer, identify the purpose of this facility.} COMPUTER: This facility uses Arn biotechnology matched with Andalite computer technology to formulate and produce biological specimens.} 

 

TWENTY-SECOND PANEL: [ALDREA IS “FROWNING,” BROWS KNIT. THEY LOOK CONFUSED.] {What biological specimens?}

TWENTY-THIRD PANEL: COMPUTER: {Onkalillium…} ALDREA, TO DAK: {That’s an organic medicine.} COMPUTER: {And Virus Q-One-Eighteen.} 

TWENTY-FOURTH PANEL: [ALDREA LOOKS TAKEN ABACK. BROWS SHOOT UP] {Explain the exact purpose of Virus-One-Eighteen.} 

TWENTY-FIFTH PANEL: [ALDREA LOOKS HORRIFIED. COMPUTER’S RESPONSE IS NEAR TOP OF PANEL, ALDREA’S NEAR THE BOTTOM] COMPUTER: {Virus Q-One-Eighteen is a Quantum virus. It is designed to attack a specific type of living creature at the subatomic level, bypassing all possible countermeasures. It is designed to cause death within minutes.} ALDREA: {No.} [how would I show the emotion she lets out? Mental projections can’t actually whisper]

 

TWENTY-SIXTH PANEL: [DAK LOOKS ANGRY. ALDREA LOOKS HORRIFIED] DAK: “Ask it what ‘specific type of living creature’?” 

TWENTY-SEVENTH PANEL: [ALDREA LOOKS HESITANT. DAK IS GETTING MORE ANGRY.]

TWENTY-EIGHTH PANEL: DAK, SNAPPING WITH IMPATIENCE: “Ask it!” [Aldrea flinches] 

TWENTY-NINTH PANEL: [ALDREA LOOKS HESITANT STILL] {Computer, what species is Virus Q-One-Eighteen designed to attack?}


NO PANEL: [COMPUTER’S REPLY IS ALONE, WITHOUT A PANEL] COMPUTER: {Hork-Bajir.}

Notes:

Did you love it? Did you hate it? Do you think I made a mistake? Please comment! Anything you want to say after reading, I'd love to hear it!