Chapter Text
This is a love song, real love
He taps his fingers against the material of his jeans in tandem to the erratic beat of his heart.
Cars speed by them, or they speed by cars, it’s all a blur, he can’t exactly tell.
He feels somewhat numb, a little scared to look away from the window towards the man sitting at the wheel.
Jeno doesn’t really know him. Doesn’t know if he wants to.
Radio silence covers the air between them, so dense he can almost feel its sharp claws dig into his skin and pin him to the leather seat.
What even happened?
What went wrong?
What’s wrong with Jaemin?
Initially, the day started out well, and up until evening, it stayed as such.
Then, Jeno isn’t too sure what happened, they were out with his brother, enjoying a really good meal, just having some fun.
On top of that, his hyung’s childhood best friend, Doyoung hyung, had surprised him by tagging along, only making his smile wider.
Yeah Jaemin had been uncharacteristically quiet, but Jeno knows that when there’s someone else making noise, the alpha prefers to just listen.
Only mildly concerned, Jeno hadn’t thought too much about it and focused his attention on Doyoung who matched his own excitement at seeing the other after so long.
Doyoung has always been a precious hyung to Jeno. He remembers walking between Taeyong and Doyoung, his hands in theirs, being swung every other step the entire journey to his kindergarten classroom.
It was their duty to drop him off, and pick him up at the end of the day. And because toddler Jeno was completely wrung out of energy by the afternoon, his Doyoung hyung always offered him a piggyback ride –something Jeno recalls as being the favorite part of his four-year old self’s day.
During hot sweltering summers, when the sun would mercilessly keep them under its spotlight, they’d stop by the corner shop and buy popsicles with Taeyong’s allowance.
Jeno would always make a mess out of his, a good portion of the icicle smeared around his mouth, sometimes on the tip of his nose, and over his chubby little fingers.
The two hyungs would then fuss over him, gently chiding him to not get distracted and eat before the ice cream melts, one busy wiping his hands clean while the other dealt with his face.
There’s a bunch of memories stored away in his mind in like to these. Jeno knew Jaemin then as well, but Jeno remembers the small boy as a restless butterfly, fluttering from one person to the next, never resting.
The boy was everyone’s best friend, even shy little Jeno’s.
Jaemin and Jeno happen like this.
On the first day of kindergarten, Jeno had clung to their teacher’s side, reluctant to free the hem of her apron from the death grip his tiny little fists had on it.
As a child, Jeno also found difficulty in conversating with older humans, but the only reason why he was comfortable with this adult was because she just so happened to be his aunt, his mother’s younger sister.
Jeno hadn’t noticed it then, impossible for him to do so with his eyes glued to his sky-blue colored sneakers, but a boy had his curious eyes set on him.
Jaemin told him years later, in surprising detail, how he wondered why the boy with a winnie the pooh backpack, was trying to disappear behind their teacher.
When his aunt’s hushed pleas of Jeno-yah, baby you have to go sit in your own seat, fell on deaf ears, the desperate woman had searched around the room for their class’ chatterbox, and called him over.
The boy had an awful –yet endearing bowl cut that ended a good inch over his eyebrows, and with a smile as bright as the fluorescent lights on the ceiling, Jaemin had extended his small grubby hand towards Jeno and yanked him towards the colorful round table by his wrist.
Jeno would like to say that, that point of contact had been the start of their long-lasting friendship, but it wasn’t.
That had ended with Jeno wailing at the top of his lungs, startling the boy pulling him, pressing play to his water works as well.
Simply put, it was a mess.
But later in the day, during recess, when Jeno was sat in one corner of the sandbox entertaining himself with his sailor moon figurine, his sight was assaulted by a vibrant yellow, startling him backwards off his knees and onto his butt.
The boy from earlier stood there, frowning down at Jeno, his hand strained towards him, curled over uneven stems of dandelions. With all the weight of his small lungs, he’d yelled at Jeno sorry for making you cry but you really have to be my friend!
Jeno doesn’t remember if he responded with anything, or if the yelling had startled his young self some more, but after that blurry film, his mind is a box of pictures in which Jaemin is either beside him or somewhere in the background.
Jaemin knows of Doyoung, but not necessarily Doyoung himself. The elder had moved away by the time Jaemin became a regular presence at the Lee household. The weekends Doyoung paid visits were few, and often meeting with just his brother at the movies or a PC-bang.
Jeno barely saw the elder, managing to live through his entire middle school without meeting him.
After that duration, the next time Jeno stumbled across Doyoung was when the elder presented as an alpha and came to rub it in Taeyong’s face who relentlessly assumed he’d be a beta.
Jeno had to cancel his plans with Jaemin that day, telling him why he couldn’t go to the frozen yogurt place they religiously graced their presence with every Friday evening.
Despite both Jaemin and Doyoung being significant people in his life, not once had they crossed paths.
So, it’s safe to say when Doyoung surprised him at the restaurant, sneaking up to him and squeezing him around the shoulders simultaneously abusing his ear drums with a cheerful exclaim of his name, Jeno responded with matched enthusiasm.
He hugged the living daylights out of the man, expressing just how much he’s been missed through the strong grip, and then finally got to introduce Jaemin –his boyfriend, to the elder.
Jeno thinks now, far away from the restaurant, that he should have noticed something wrong with Jaemin at that moment. The tight-lipped smile, hunched posture, and the odd dull quality to the brightest pair of eyes he’s ever seen; he shouldn’t have dismissed it as the alpha being tired.
So Jeno had tried his best to fill in for Jaemin’s lack of –anything to be honest. The man sat their quietly, becoming one with the background noise, his presence akin to a ghost.
Jeno made sure to keep Doyoung engaged with himself so his boyfriend could have some space.
However, as the dinner progressed, halfway into their meal, Jaemin’s pheromones and bitter scent steadily blanketed the air around him.
The others didn’t notice any shift.
But for Jeno it was different He was more receptive and familiar to the scent and its’ various personalities.
He didn’t spare a second to ask Jaemin if he was alright, but the alpha just shook his lowered head –gaze stuck to his plate like chewed gum, and mumbled a stilted “just tired”.
Jeno isn’t stupid, the air around Jaemin doesn’t carry the stench of rotting coffee beans when he’s tired, in fact, Jeno has barely met this scent.
He has caught wafts of it a few times here and there, but it’s always gone as fast as it appears.
At that moment however, Jeno couldn’t shrug it off as Jaemin’s jam-packed schedule taking a toll on him.
There was something else, and he couldn’t torture the alpha by dragging him through the dinner. Gratefully his brother had caught sight of the hushed exchange while the other two adults were engaged in a conversation of their own.
Then it was a flurry of taking Jaemin’s cold hand in his, saying their abrupt goodbyes with the excuse that Jaemin isn’t feeling too well, and getting the hell out of there.
Jeno tried to claim the spot as their designated driver, since he had zero insight to what was agitating the alpha to this extent, but Jaemin had shut him up, spitting an “I’m driving” through his clenched teeth.
The current like tone stunned him into silence, never had Jaemin spoken to him this way. He’s never heard him sound like this.
This version is nothing but a stranger to Jeno and he has no manual to guide him through the what’s and how’s of dealing with him.
This is where he is now, sitting with a Jaemin he does not know, in a silence he has never heard.
Jaemin’s presence has stolen his breath many a times, but never has it suffocated him.
I'll hate myself for days love
Embarrassment. Confusion. Regret. Anger. Jealousy.
They weave together, embarrassment pulling its string through a loop of jealousy –confusion, anger, and regret tugging at it till it’s tied into a knot so tight only the sharp blade of a knife could cut it loose.
The process repeats without rest, and pretty soon his mind has knitted his thoughts into an intricate noose that adorns his neck with the intent to choke and rule over his tongue.
If he speaks, his words will only harm.
They already have.
Never.
Never has Jeno’s scent turned mute. Which can only mean one of two things, Jaemin has gone deaf, or Jeno is scared.
Jeno is scared of him.
Maybe the tangled mess in his brain is making everything seem even worse than it is, providing him adjectives with the sole aim of stabbing his conscience.
But what is he supposed to do?
Each aching second spent sitting at that table matched the sluggish pace bile crawled up his throat.
It started off fine.
One moment he was being himself, laughing unabashed at something Taeyong said, and the next he was trying to digest the sight of Jeno fitting himself in the arms of someone Jaemin’s never seen.
Then the name Doyoung filtered into his ear, and again, he felt somewhat relieved.
He knew of Jeno’s infamous Doyoung hyung.
That one friend of Taeyong hyung, whom Jeno ditched Jaemin for in grade ten.
It was fine, and Jaemin was fine too, pointedly ignoring the elder’s arm around his omega.
Then Jeno had introduced Jaemin to Doyoung, a beautiful smile on his face and joy brightening the pitch of his voice.
“This is Jaemin, my boyfriend!”
Boyfriend
The word bit him. Stung him. He didn’t like it.
In fact, Jaemin hated it.
It sounded wrong –lacking, like it wasn’t enough to express what Jeno was to him.
He wanted to pull the syllables out of his ear and tell Jeno to call him something else, something more.
Maybe all that shit about boyfriends being a human thing and not a werewolf thing was true.
Or maybe their words finally had him hook line and sinker.
His course mates’ voices from earlier that day torturing him, their taunts a disease, plaguing his thoughts.
You’ve only claimed him dude, you can’t keep repeating he’s your boyfriend, you know that means shit to us wolves.
It’s either mates or nothing at all.
It’s a flaw in the system, he had the urge to retaliate, but it was five against one, Jaemin was outnumbered.
So, he’d swallowed the words down, stamping on his temper, bottling it up so he could feel nothing more than a dull itch under his skin.
A monster he’ll humor some other time, not in front of an audience.
This too however, Jeno presenting Jaemin as his boyfriend, he had managed to swallow down, offering what he’d hoped was a friendly smile.
The last thing the sane part of himself wanted, was to leave a terrible impression on someone important to the love of his life.
Doyoung getting comfortable next to Jeno had launched Jaemin into his own head, suspended between watching his omega with the other alpha, and struggling to hold his bitterness from seeping into his scent.
Then, when Jaemin had gained enough control over his thoughts to steer them away from heading into a cloud of green, Jaehyun was asking Doyoung if he found himself a nice omega to settle down with, and that –that bastard had said no and had the audacity to wink at Jeno while Jaemin sat right next to them.
He doesn’t know what or how Jeno responded, because that’s when he’d truly realized just how thin the thread of their relationship was, how easily it could snap under the lightest pressure.
Anyone at anytime could come between them.
Jaemin didn’t have a concrete place in Jeno’s life as a lover. There were so many gaps and cracks, anyone could fit themselves through.
Hell, he was so insignificant as Jeno’s boyfriend that people would flirt with the omega in his presence, completely disregarding him.
He’d felt worthless right then, the complete extent of it.
And stupid for realizing it seated at a dinner table in a restaurant, with company he’d prefer not to have a mental breakdown in front of.
Jaemin’s anger at himself, at Jeno, at the other man, had silenced everything into white noise, and stacked bricks on his shoulders one by one in time with the second hand’s journey around the clock.
Up until Jeno asked him something, and then made an excuse for Jaemin, and then they were leaving.
He felt pathetic.
He even snapped at Jeno.
He’d never spoken that way to him.
Why was Jaemin being so weak? Allowing anything and everything to affect him.
Why was he being such a wuss?
Did he even have the right to call himself an alpha?
Alphas are confident –especially in themselves. They’re like metal armor, they don’t let insecurities wound them.
So why had Jaemin hollowed himself enough for them to build a toxic home inside him?
And why had Jeno melted in this man’s hands? Why did he gift his sweet smiles to him?
Couldn’t he have spoken up and said something like please stop, I already have an alpha.
But, of course, stupid fuck Jaemin why would he even bother? It isn’t like they’re mated.
Jaemin isn’t Jeno’s alpha.
The omega doesn’t have one.
Jaemin’s just a stand in.
Something temporary.
It isn’t Jeno’s fault, Jaemin knows. He has to remind himself.
It isn’t the omegas fault that every other person wants him.
It isn’t Jeno’s fault.
He digs his nails into the leather of the steering wheel, his right foot pushing the weight of his fury onto the accelerator.
It’s silent enough for him to catch the light tap tap tap from the passenger seat.
It’s irritating, and only increases his agitation.
They need to get home fast.
Jaemin needs his space.
He needs to calm down before the cap twists open and the force of his anger tears them to pieces.
Leaves them battered and bruised.
Dirty rip out the whole of your soul love
The elevator up to their floor is stifling. The air is stale, and Jaemin seems an entire lifetime away despite standing two steps away from him.
If the journey to their apartment building was uncomfortable, then Jeno can’t find a word to describe this.
He hasn’t even looked at Jaemin, only had enough courage to stare at the back of his head as the alpha led them inside.
Jeno worries that the things he has feared are blooming right before his eyes. A carnivorous plant that’ll bite him or eat him alive.
He’s scared that this is the start to the phase where Jaemin will begin distancing himself from Jeno.
Which will then follow with either the phase where Jeno unwittingly finds that the alpha is indeed interested in another, or the phase where Jaemin sits him down like the sweet person he is and tells Jeno that it’s best if they stay friends.
He doesn’t want to live through any of them.
Sitting in the car, he has brewed these thoughts long enough for them to now taste cold and bitter on his tongue.
Where he is scared that each mind-made insecurity of his is turning into a reality, he fears more for Jaemin and his well being.
What has the man, he loves so dearly, upset to the point he barely resembles himself?
Everyone has their moments, and Jeno acknowledges that Na Jaemin too has his bad days. Hell, he’s seen them countless times.
The only difference is that Jaemin has never pointed his daggers at Jeno.
But it’s okay, maybe it’s different this time around because they’re lovers. Maybe these are the ups and downs people talk about –the good and the bad in their vows for eternity.
Of course, they’ve had their arguments; Is black the superior color or pink? Pineapples on pizza or pieces of tandoori chicken?
The point is, these arguments were nothing more than childish bickering.
It isn’t easy to explain when people ask, but Jeno can only think to say that they’re compatible and considerate to one another, through and through.
They’ve always stayed true to their rule of –this time we’ll do what you want, next time it’s my turn.
Both him and Jaemin are stubborn in their own ways, but they also don’t like purposely aggravating one another.
So, when Jeno told Jaemin that he doesn’t like hastily folded clothes, he found his laundry neatly done even though Jaemin’s pile right next to his was rolled into odd shapes lacking symmetry.
And when Jaemin expressed his dislike towards Jeno’s habit of leaving dirty dishes in the sink for a few hours before washing them, Jeno tried his best to tend to them as quick as possible.
They aren’t like this –the quiet simmering then blowing up.
They care for one another and try their best to let each other know through the smallest of gestures.
Yes, Jeno is guilty of hiding a few of his worries from Jaemin. And only because of this shortcoming of his, had the rational part of himself interrupted his lament to propose that perhaps even Jaemin has thoughts that eat him inside out. Thoughts he‘d rather not bother Jeno with, or other plausible reasons that are equal parts Jaemin.
It’s hard for him to even imagine what it could be because the alpha has always shared everything with him, from bad grades to fights with parents.
But Jeno would be damned if he let Jaemin do this to himself.
So, the duration it takes him to follow Jaemin from the elevator into their flat, Jeno builds himself. Reminds himself that being unable to recognize this Jaemin is more reason to approach the alpha and free him from whatever has poisoned his mind.
The last thing he would want for Jaemin is for him to hurt himself.
Once they’re inside their home, returning to the intertwined scent of coffee and honey, and shuffled out of their shoes, Jaemin a few steps out of his reach, Jeno stops him before the alpha can turn towards his room –a place he barely uses.
The thought of Jaemin wanting to create distance between them hammers at the chains he locked his insecurities behind.
He ignores it though. At least Jaemin has stopped -standing still in the middle of their living room with his back to Jeno.
“Jaem –” the syllable gets caught in his throat and he tries again “Jaemin, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” It’s instant and rough, covered with pins and needles.
Jeno shuffles on his feet and dares to take a step closer to his boyfriend.
He’s learning he doesn’t like feeling far away from Jaemin.
“It isn’t nothing, Jaem, are you okay?” He tries again, hoping his tone portrays his reluctance to fight and of resolving whatever it is calmly.
“Ha –am I okay? I’m doing fine love, just peachy.” Jaemin laughs, selfishly staying turned away from him.
Jeno doesn’t like the sound of it.
It’s mean –condescending, and makes him feel stupid.
“Jaem –” he begins but isn’t allowed to finish because the alpha turns to him abruptly, making him stumble backwards out of surprise, his growl cuts him off “—nothing’s wrong, Jen, nothing, everything’s great! Everything is fucking great!”
Blood red.
Jeno has seen Jaemin’s eyes in shades of warm chocolate, and blazing gold, but never this. It’s another thing about him that shakes Jeno to the bone.
But he doesn’t want Jaemin to know that for a few moments Jeno has allowed himself to fear him.
His own eyes hurry their trail over the alpha’s face, from the narrowed slits of his eyes to the rigid edges of his jaw, down to the motion of his shoulders heaving with each heavy exhale.
Jeno, despite every nerve in him –wired into his omega in the face of an aggressive alpha, steps forward. Grants himself just one step closer to the stranger wearing Jaemin’s face.
“Jaemin-ah, calm down please, what happened? I know you aren’t tired, this isn’t your scent when you’re tired—” Again he’s interrupted and Jeno feels the first spark of annoyance itch him, but he pushes it down.
It won’t help.
“—Wow, aren’t you just smart? Always the smart one that knows so much, except for the shit right in front of you.” It’s all said through a harsh whisper and Jaemin nears him to speak it right into his face, something wicked gleaming within the alpha’s ruddy eyes.
But Jeno doesn’t move, he stubbornly holds his ground, and maintains eye contact with the other male.
He’s torn between feeling hurt and irritated that Jaemin would even think of asserting dominance over him, that he would try to intimidate him with the bitter aftertaste of coffee.
He can feel the omega in him lowering itself, but Jeno isn’t that way.
One of the few things they had promised one another when they first presented was that they’d treat each other as equals.
Jeno doesn’t feel like Jaemin’s equal in that second. He feels lesser.
“What even –look, if you want me to understand, stop beating around the bush and just say it.” He grits out.
Jaemin tilts his head, leaning away from him.
“Do you ever notice anything, Jen? Do you see how they look at you? What they say about you?”
Jeno hates how Jaemin’s eyes are accusing and unforgiving, when he doesn’t even know what the alpha is blaming him for.
“What do you mean? They who, Jaemin? Just say it as it is.” He pleads, with his voice, with the anguish in his eyes, even his hands twitch to lay them on Jaemin and shake him free of whatever’s possessed him.
Jaemin laughs, all twisted and unsparing.
“You want me to say it as it is?” He asks him but he isn’t looking for an answer, continues after a brief pause where he just stares at Jeno with those red eyes.
Jeno doesn’t like it, how they map him out from head to toe.
He lowers his own gaze to Jaemin’s fists and sees the tanned skin pulled taut over the broad knuckles.
“Jeno I’m fed up, I’m so fucking fed up, every alpha I know or –pass by –looks at you and talks about you and your fucking face and your fucking body, why can’t you wear something that covers you up properly?”
His ears ring with the bullshit Jaemin spits out at him.
Jeno can feel his temper flare up within a second, like Jaemin’s words had been gasoline to a crackling fire.
His brows furrow and he closes his mouth for a second. Then he shuts his eyes to focus on breathing.
He opens his eyes, and his anger hasn’t settled in the slightest.
Jeno stares at the alpha with the force of his resentment, and bites out an unbelieving,
“What the fuck?”
The alpha doesn’t rest one bit, unbothered by the distress Jeno’s blatantly vocalizing.
“I’m talking about your damn sleeveless shirts and those fucking white shorts –”
Now, Jeno keeps him from completing his baseless -stupidity.
“—that is my fucking uniform, you dimwit! I don’t have the choice to wear something else!”
Jaemin lifts his face towards the ceiling, and Jeno watches –vexed, as he runs his fingers through his hair and tugs at them out of frustration, like he’s the one at the receiving end of dumb demands.
Even in the depth of his own anger, his heart tugs painfully at the way Jaemin yells, just a sound of rage. The omega in him and a part of Jeno himself too longs to soothe the alpha.
A thought passes through his mind –maybe Jaemin doesn’t recognize himself too.
“It feels like I’m sharing a piece of meat with a bunch of other wolves!” He lets out in the same agitated manner.
Sharing a piece of meat?
Him, Na Jaemin, the alpha swarming with omegas and betas that it takes proper force and effort for Jeno just to get to him, is the one that feels like he’s sharing a piece of meat.
Unbelievable. Jeno laughs -a short breathy sound, the claim is hilarious and preposterous.
He moves forward towards Jaemin, uncaring that he’s going nose to nose with an alpha.
Right now, he just wants to give Jaemin a piece of his mind.
“You—” Jeno points his finger at the other “—Na Jaemin, you feel like you’re sharing me?”
He pauses just to measure Jaemin’s expression. If it shows even an ounce of compassion or understanding.
Pointless.
“Fuck you, literally fuck you Jaemin, what about all those pathetic omegas and betas you have wrapped around your finger? Is one too less for you?!—” He yells, throat hoarse because Jeno doesn’t know how to scream and shout out of anger “—Why don’t you reconsider your clothing choices too? And while you’re at it, how about stop flirting with everything that has a pulse and act like you’re a fucking claimed alpha!”
The force it takes him to scream makes his head pound, all those insecurities and fears intertwining with the feeling of being wronged by someone he trusted never to do that to him, strangles his lungs and makes every sentence of his a painful heave.
But Jeno can see through his slowly calming rage, now that he’s free of hoarding his deepest worry, that Jaemin has tied a blindfold over whatever part of him gives Jeno importance.
His boyfriend maintains the livid glint in his eyes.
Jeno steels himself in response –the omega side of himself howling longingly, he blinks –ignoring the cry, and clenches his hands into the hem of his shirt.
Now it’s just him and his scared heart knocking against the walls of his ribcage, his mind experiencing turbulence with the sensory overload.
Jeno is aware what he said right now wasn’t the nicest, he hadn’t meant it to hurt. But Jaemin appears to have the thirst to do just that and It scares him.
Jaemin ruthlessly steals the last step between them.
“Yeah, I should stop? What about you, Jen? How was it today huh—” He smirks at him, teeth sharp, snapping at him like a shark “—With that older, well established alpha? How’d it feel in his arms? Was it nice? Was he better than me? Does it feel nice knowing a shit ton of alphas want you?—”
“—stop—” Jeno tries, cracks forming over his heart with each word Jaemin allows out of his mouth.
“—how does it feel being the wet dream of half the student body? You must like it right? Who am I kidding?” He grins manically “—of course you do, it’s what attention whores like you like.” Jaemin seethes inches away from him and Jeno staggers back, away from him –building a wall between them.
The insult is like a punch when it echoes in his mind, encouraging his feet to take another step back.
“Jaem?” his voice cracks, eyes rapidly filling with water.
Jeno observes Jaemin –blinking every time tears blur his vision, how in the time it took him to leave his space, the alpha begins to realize what just left his mouth.
It’s apparent in the way Jaemin abruptly falls silent, his shoulders sagging, and head lowered. Jeno can see his hands trembling where they hang loosely by his sides, the way he clenches his jaw and squeezes his eyes shut.
“Fuck.” He curses.
Jeno wants to laugh, yeah fuck.
Jaemin looks up at him just as the first of his tears fall.
The alpha’s eyes are warm and desperate, even more so when he catches sight of his tears, helplessly following the trail down his cheeks.
“Fuck, no –that wasn’t –Jen, I’m sorry, I don’t think that way I fucking swear! I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry, I’m just –fuck that wasn’t it, it’s just—” Jaemin is hysterical “—don’t you see how they look at you?” He breathes, taking a step forward towards him.
Jeno steps back, focusing his hurt into a glare.
“No, you fucking asshole, I don’t! and you know why?! Cause I’m always only looking at you!” He cries, turning away from Jaemin’s mum form.
He goes to sit on their couch. His legs began feeling like dead weight and before he could fall and look even more pathetic than he probably did, he needed to sit.
Jeno hunches over just as he falls onto the edge of the cushion, his fists curling over the tops of his knees. He doesn’t look at Jaemin, gaze focused on his own lap.
Instead he listens to Jaemin’s frenzied pacing, and then it stops, and moments later he feels himself sit under the shade of the alpha’s body before he kneels at his feet, sitting in front of him.
Jeno ignores him purposely, tucking his chin further into his collarbones.
Jaemin’s breath hits the top of his hair with each of his quick exhales, his scent is everywhere in an instant, encasing him in its familiar bubble. Jeno peeks through his lashes when he senses warmth over the back of his hands.
Jaemin’s palms hesitate to lay their touch over him and the sight tears him apart. But the petty part of himself fills with satisfaction, because Jaemin knows he messed up.
Jaemin knows that he let him down, and now he’s just as lost as Jeno had been.
The roles are reversed to some extent, but if anything, Jeno knows and is aware that whatever Jaemin said was out of anger.
He doesn’t want to be the better person, but he also doesn’t like this alone feeling despite the lack of distance between them. It hurts a bit less when he thinks of it this way. It may also be because the Jaemin he knows would never intentionally hurt him.
He doesn’t wish to drag this out unnecessarily.
Unlike Jaemin, who’s had his fun and taken out his anger, he’ll decide whether he wants to get angry at the insult after he hears an explanation and receives an apology.
So, Jeno doesn’t move.
He also doesn’t allow the alpha a view of his face, knowing it’s what he wants the most right now. However, he lets Jaemin rest his palms over his fists for selfish reasons.
Otherwise, he remains unmoving, battling the strong urge to surge forward and hide himself in the alpha’s arms.
“Jen –baby I’m so fucking sorry, I really didn’t mean it, I really didn’t –” he insists, his clammy palms increasing their force around him “—in fact, you aren’t the attention whore, it’s me –all me babe—” he pauses, Jeno can’t see him but he assumes the other is gathering his thoughts to sound less frantic and more coherent.
“It’s just, Jen –all I ever hear is how, cause we aren’t mated –how I’ve only claimed you, it means nothing, that being boyfriends means nothing cause we’re wolves Jen, I have to sit through so many conversations where all these fucking bastards talk about how they’re going to try and court you—” Jeno hears him curse under his breath, and even though Jaemin sounds like the ache he bears is bigger than himself, Jeno finally sees the root of Jaemin’s distress.
He’s starting to understand, and where a stubborn part of himself still wants to hold a grudge against what Jaemin said, a bigger part of himself is planning to ignore it.
He’s just relieved that Jaemin is actually being honest and verbal about his insecurities. He knows just how prideful Jaemin can be. He wears confidence like a second skin, so he can imagine why he’s never opened up about this.
Instead he’s sat on it, and let it get to this extent.
Jeno never expressed his distress over the countless omegas and betas because he feared he himself would look pathetic and needy –overbearing.
He wants to stop Jaemin right there, because he realizes just how stupid both of them are, they share the same worries and then play the blame game.
Jeno doesn’t though, not only because Jaemin doesn’t let him because he begins speaking, but also because when Jeno finally looks up with the intention to meet his alpha’s gaze, Jaemin has his head lowered and eyes directed towards their carpet.
Maybe this helps Jaemin with expressing thoughts that probably make him feel weak. So Jeno refrains from coaxing Jaemin to look at him and just listens to him.
“Even today I had to hear the same shit, and then here comes Doyoung –you chose him over me once before, what would stop you from doing it again, I mean, man what do I even hold in front of an established, handsome alpha? I don’t even fucking know anymore, Jen, I didn’t wanna hurt you –I swear but fuck, I’m so scared babe, so fucking scared that one day someone’s gonna come and take you away from me, I can’t—I don’t think I could bear that, baby.” The alpha’s voice wavers, and Jeno’s heart lurches uncomfortably at the defeated sound.
Him and Doyoung? The man that’s like another brother to him? And he can’t believe the extent of Jaemin’s childish mind –left him for Doyoung hyung once before?
He’s actually referring to that one time in grade ten, Jeno literally made it up to him the very next day!
His exasperation is equal parts fond as it is disbelieving.
He really fell in love with an idiot.
Jaemin doesn’t move an inch, and knowing him, he probably takes Jeno’s silence as rejection. Even though he very much wants to poke fun at Jaemin for being so butthurt over something two-three years ago, he won’t because Jaemin’s just laid out his heart in front of him, and he doesn’t sound that great either.
He chews on his lip, pondering over what he should say. The fight has left him completely.
He feels nothing but a dull ache remembering Jaemin’s disposition a few minutes ago, and now most of his pain is for how beaten Jaemin appears –that threatening presence nothing but a fever dream.
Jeno sighs, slowly inching his hand from under the alpha’s, who flinches –abruptly pulling his hands away, mostly receiving his gesture in a negative way. But Jaemin doesn’t move, doesn’t even lift his head.
The alpha plans to stay rooted there till he earns his forgiveness, Jeno understands.
Again, he thinks, he really fell in love with an over dramatic idiot.
He shakes his head, and gently brushes his fingers through Jaemin’s hair, lifting it off his forehead so he can see his face. But Jaemin, now aware that Jeno isn’t pushing him away, lowers himself some more and rests his head against Jeno’s knees, his scent lighter now, less bitter, more sweet –filled with relief.
The alpha still doesn’t want Jeno to see him being what he most likely thinks is weak.
He feels arms wind around his legs –hugging them to a warm chest with a heart that’s beating much too fast for it to be healthy.
He curls over the alpha, his arms winding around the broad shoulders -kisses the mess of brown hair, and rests his head against Jaemin’s.
Jeno’s lips spread into a smile in what feels like a lifetime.
“Na Jaemin, you stupid stupid stupid fool.”
I still want your love a whole lot