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Pizza Pig
“I’m sure I’ll be fine, Fozzie. I broke up with Piggy, I didn’t get stabbed.” Kermit mumbled into his cellphone as he rounded the corner of his house, fumbling around in his bag for his keys. “Yes, I promise. Now, I’m home and I’m supposed to be watching Robin tonight – yes, I know it’s my birthday, but he’s my nephew. I couldn’t say no to him… alright, see you tom—” The frog opened his front door and dropped his phone as all his coworkers jumped out and yelled ‘surprise’.
After he was able to recover from the shock he was put into, Kermit leaned down to pick up his phone only to be tackled into a hug by his nephew. “I bet you weren’t expecting everyone! Am I right, Uncle Kermit?”
The young frog bounced around excitedly after being released from the hug and bounded back over to Fozzie’s side. “Can we give him his presents yet? Can we? Please?”
The bear laughed a little. “Not yet, Robin. He hasn’t had any time to visit with everyone yet!”
Kermit nodded and thinned his mouth, looking around the room. When he spotted Piggy on the couch, he recoiled slightly. Their breakup had only been two weeks ago, and he knew it was still fresh in her mind. Hopefully, it wouldn’t come up, but the feeling in his gut refused to leave. It was probably going to come up.
Trying to flush out his thoughts, Kermit started to approach Fozzie and Robin before being tugged to the side by Dr. Teeth and Janice, who were insisting he tried the brownies they brought to the surprise party. After pretending to eat one and stopping Animal from climbing on top of his fridge, Kermit made his way back into the middle of the living room where his nephew was drawing a picture.
“What are you drawing, Robin?”
The little frog hid the drawing against his chest and let out a loud gasp. “Uncle Kermit, you can’t look at my drawing yet! It’s a sin to look at people’s drawings before they’re finished!”
Shaking his head, Kermit crossed his arms. “Who told you that, Robin?”
“Swedish Chef said it.”
“You can understand him?”
Laughing and turning towards Kermit so he couldn’t see the drawing, Robin started to back away. “Well, duh. Can’t you?”
Kermit stared after his nephew for a minute before Scooter rushed over to him, holding a megaphone. “Alright, I think it’s time we let the boss blow out his candles!”
Letting himself be ushered into the kitchen by the house’s occupants, Kermit plopped himself down in-front of the hastily decorated cake. The age on it was wrong, but Fozzie whispered to him that Robin had decorated on it and he decided not to say anything.
After the group sang happy birthday and Scooter started cutting slices for everyone, serving the birthday frog first, Kermit released a breath he didn’t realize he had been holding. So far, still Piggy hadn’t said anything. He genuinely was hoping she was able to move on the way he was starting to, but doubt did find a place in his gut.
Sure enough, Piggy slid in beside him after everyone had their cake, a slice of pizza on her plate. “So, it’s about time you opened your presents, right?”
Robin bounced up out of his seat and nodded excitedly. “Yeah! I want you to see what I got you, Uncle Kermit!”
Some murmurs of agreeance sounded and Scooter quieted the group. One by one, guests handed their gifts in; the Electric Mayhem bought him a lint roller, Robin brought him a handmaid picture frame with noodles and plastic flies glued to it with his drawing of Kermit wearing tap shoes inside of it, Scooter bought him a new mug, Uncle Deadly bought him a new pair of shoes, Gonzo and Camilla bought him a ski pass, Rizzo bought him a gift card to Pizza Hut, and Pepe brought him a framed photograph of JLo signed by himself. When it came time for Piggy to give her gift, the room went cold.
She handed him the hot pink, sparkly bag and smiled as he opened it. Reaching in, he found two little slips of paper. Reading over the words printed on them, his stomach sank.
“Tickets to a romantic comedy…?”
She shrugged and gave a snide smile. “Well, I thought maybe vou and moi could go and watch a movie and talk out our relationship over dinner soon.”
Sighing, Kermit shook his head slowly and glanced between the ticket and his ex. He really did feel bad for breaking up with her, but his feelings for her were…not there anymore. He wasn’t sure if they ever were, or if he made them up so he didn’t have to think too much about himself. After all, if he couldn’t feel something for someone as amazing, beautiful and talented as Piggy, maybe he didn’t feel anything for anyone at all.
Or… at least for women.
Gulping, Kermit slowly put the tickets back into the bag and handed it back to her. “I’m sorry, Piggy. I just don’t…love you anymore.” He watched her face stay blank for a minute before scrunching up in embarrassment. He wished he could have told her more privately, instead of with everyone watching, but he knew if he asked her into the other room, they would stand by the doorway eavesdropping regardless. Still, he tried his best to defend the situation. “I really appreciate you coming, though, and I hope we can still be—”
Suddenly, all Kermit could see was pepperonis covering his eyes like cucumbers. Pulling the greasy slice of cheese and sauce off his face, Kermit stood shocked in place temporarily as the room stared. “That’s what you get for turning me down in front of anyone!” Piggy snarled and crossed her arms.
Kermit’s chest heaved anxiously as he looked around the room. “Get out.”
Piggy raised an eyebrow. “Excuse me?”
“I said. Get out. Everyone!” Kermit hollered and the guests started to file out of the home, save for Fozzie and Robin, who ushered themselves into the living room as the house emptied. Lifting the small frog up, Fozzie brought the child to the guest room where he regularly stayed.
“Fozzie, I don’t wanna go to bed. I’m worried about Uncle Kermit.” Robin whined, trying to hop off his bed the moment he was set on it.
The bear nodded understandingly. “I know, Robin, but let me go help him clean-up for now, alright?”
Humming, the tiny frog settled down and sat on his bed. “Yeah, okay. Make sure he’s alright for me.”
Giving the boy a smile, Fozzie left the room and shut the door slowly, instantly alerting the frog who now stood in the living room.
‘Look, I don’t know whose there, but the party is over. You can leave n-“Upon seeing his best friend, the frog stopped his sentence. “Oh, it’s just you, Fozzie. I’m sorry about all this.”
Right away, Fozzie rushed to his friend’s side. He held a little rag and had wiped most of the sauce and cheese off his face, but still a little remained, which Fozzie wiped off with his finger. “It’s not your fault, Kerm. I told Scooter to try and stop her from coming, but I guess she didn’t listen.”
Letting out a whine, Kermit shook his head. “I don’t want to just cut her out of my life or anything. I just wished she understood that I wasn’t trying to,” the frog sighed and tried to reword his thoughts, “I didn’t want to hurt her when we broke up. I just… wasn’t happy with her anymore.”
Fozzie let a silence brew between them before heading into the kitchen to rinse the rag again. “Do you want to talk about it?”
Kermit looked over the mess in the kitchen of plates and cups and bags and shivered. “I don’t know. I just… I’m gonna clean this all up.”
Shaking his head, Fozzie took the first plate that Kermit picked up out of his hands. “Go and sit on the couch and take a breather, Kerm. I’ll take care of this.”
The frog opened his mouth to protest, but Fozzie gently put a hand on his shoulder and ushered him to the couch, where he reluctantly stayed. Within a few minutes, the kitchen was cleaned back up, and Fozzie joined Kermit on the sofa.
“Is Robin alright?”
Fozzie snorted a bit and smiled. “He’s alright. I went ahead and sent him to his room. He was worried about you, but I promised I would check on you and cheer you up.”
Smiling fondly, the frog muppet leaned back against the cushions. “And how do you intend to do that?”
Humming, Fozzie stood up and grabbed the television remote and started flipping through the channels, settling on the comedy channel. He set the remote down and turned to look at his froggy friend. “I never got to give you my present. Let me go get it.”
When Fozzie returned and handed Kermit a bright green bag, the frog settled back into his seat happily. First he pulled a box labeled ‘chocolate-covered crickets’ out before pulling out a framed photo of the entire Muppet crew in front of the original theater. Unable to help himself, a soft chuckle left the frog. “Fozzie, this is so nice,” the frog ran his hand over the sepia-tinted photograph, his hand stopping and resting on where Piggy stood in it. Inhaling sharply, the frog squirmed in his seat.
“I hope I didn’t make you upset,” Fozzie said softly, and the frog looked up at him.
“No, you’re fine, Fozzie. I was just thinking.”
Looking down at his friend, the bear gave a smile. “What about?”
“Well, it’s just--It’s a little silly, but,” the amphibian shook his head, “I’ve been thinking about my relationship with Piggy throughout the years, and I realized recently that I don’t think I ever loved her. Romantically, anyways. And I’ve been wondering why I feel that way, and I realized I couldn’t remember a time when I was attracted to any woman.” Fozzie listened to the confession and struggled to keep his ears from perking up eagerly. “But, I have so many people who look up to me, you know? So many people who respect me. And I’m afraid I’ll let everyone down if I’m honest.” The smaller muppet’s shoulders sank at the last sentence, and he kept his eyes to the ground.
“Kermit, I promise you won’t let anyone who’s worth your time down,” the bear said softly, putting his arm around his friend who looked up to him.
“You’re not upset with me, then?”
Snorting, Fozzie shook his head. “That would be a little hypocritical of me, Kerm.” After realizing what he had just admitted, Fozzie cleared his throat and tried to look over to the tv, unable to shake Kermit’s eyes from him. “But, yeah, Kermit, I’m not upset. I’m sure no one from work would be eith-“Before Fozzie could finish his sentence, the frog beside him had leaned up and gently kissed him.
Upon realizing what he had done, Kermit pulled apart and was prepared to apologize when the sound of little feet pattering against the hardwood floor sounded from the hallway.
Robin peaked his head around the corner at the two on the couch. “Are you feeling better, Uncle Kermit?”
The older frog cleared his throat and smiled at Fozzie before motioning his nephew over, who bounded to the couch happily. “I am, Robin. Fozzie did a great job cheering me up.”
Letting out a massive sigh, Robin hurried over to his uncle and hopped into his lap, hugging him tightly. “I was really worried. I don’t know why aunt Miss Piggy would do that.”
“I don’t know either, Robin. Now, do you want to pick out a movie?” The little frog bounded into the other room, happily mumbling about a movie he brought with him. Kermit glanced over to Fozzie and stood up from the couch. “Thanks, Fozzie. For everything this evening.”
The bear nodded awkwardly, his head still buzzing from the kiss as he made his way to the front door, Kermit following close behind.
“And, um, I’m sorry I kissed you so suddenly. I’ve just been going through so many emotions today, I didn’t mean to spring that on you.”
One glance at the frog showed how sheepish he felt, and Fozzie felt his stomach flipping around like a carnival ride. “It’s no problem, Kerm.” He said softly, trying to keep his head from spinning off his shoulders. “It didn’t bother me. You just surprised me a little.”
Rubbing the back of his head, Kermit glanced to the hallway to ensure Robin wasn’t making his way back to the living room yet. “It didn’t bother you?”
Catching on, Fozzie leaned down a bit and quickly kissed Kermit on the lips. “No, it didn’t bother me, Kerm. I’ll um, see you Monday.”
The frog nodded with a dazed smile and waved as Fozzie hurried to his Studebaker. As Fozzie slipped into his apartment and then his bed that night, he decided that Monday couldn’t come soon enough.