Chapter Text
“Like a tear-stained face being dried by the breeze,”
— Charles Baudelaire, Flowers of Evil.
“What if I ruin your car?” Hyunjin bit his bottom lip, his hands tight around the wheel of Changbin’s pick-up car. “What if I crash into a tree?”
They were in an empty parking lot at eleven in the morning, Hyunjin had wanted to get his driving license— not liking the idea that Changbin had to pick him up here and there, even if it didn’t bother the latter at all, but he was prone to give in under panic which made him very anxious.
“You won’t,” Changbin reassured him by patting his leg. “Start slowly, I am here to guide you.”
“Will you make me pay if I destroy your car?” Hyunjin insisted, giving him a prissy look from the corner of his eyes. “Given that I’m your soulmate…”
Changbin snorted.
“What does that mean?”
“It means that we are more than married. Your stuff is mine and vice versa. So, my debts will be yours as well.”
“Yeah, I don’t see a wedding ring around my finger, do I?” He retorted with a smirk, tapping the younger’s thigh once again.
“You have my bracelet,” Hyunjin pointed out. “I don’t know if you noticed, but that’s basically our wedding contract.”
“I figured as much.” Changbin stuck out his tongue, smug. Hyunjin was all action and no words, wrapping Changbin around his finger and wrapping himself around him to assert his dominance. “Anyways, you should start the car now.”
Hyunjin took a deep breath, his eyes focusing on his task, and started the engine while applying pressure on the clutch.
In the end, despite stalling many times, Hyunjin managed to slowly drive across the parking lot. He followed Changbin’s instructions, trying not to tell him to keep quiet because he had a short attention span and needed his full focus on their fictional road.
“How do you even run with all the supporters screaming in the bleachers, then?” Changbin asked once the younger turned off the contact and leaned back in his seat, limp and speechless after such precise task that was driving.
“It’s different, I let adrenaline flood through my veins. Makes me keep running,” Hyunjin explained, unbuckling his belt. “Here, I can’t spam the pedals with my feet, can I?”
“Nope,” Changbin laughed. “But you did it, see? You managed to drive.”
He got out of the car and opened the door for Hyunjin who let himself fall in his arms for a hug.
“I prefer when you drive,” the younger said against the shell of his ear. “It’s sexy.”
Changbin hummed and pinned Hyunjin against the car to kiss him. They melted in the kiss, it was almost summer and the soft heat helped spread another kind of warmth within their bodies.
“I want to do something stupid,” Hyunjin breathed against his mouth, his hips deliciously bucking up against his boyfriend’s. “I want to have sex in your car.”
“Now?”
“No one is around,” he whispered before licking along Changbin’s lips. “Nothing’s stopping us.” He rubbed their noses together. “Let us have this.”
Changbin wondered if survival tinted everything they were doing now. Like there wasn’t much time left, as depressing as it sounded, so they wanted to make the most of it. Cherishing each moment and doing reckless things— which was unlike them, being two young boys, horny and in love. Hyunjin on top of him, riding him in the backseat with one of his clammy hands pressing against the window while the other pressed Changbin down, his palm flat against his pectorals.
After that— after quick, yet intense sex in a car, they joined the others for Korean barbecue.
Minho cut Hyunjin’s meat extra small, and Hyunjin gave him a deeply affected smile in exchange.
“Why do you all have eyebrow slits?” Seungmin nagged, eyeing Chan, Changbin and Jisung one by one. “Is it part of your branding or something?”
“Correct,” Chan replied, loudly sipping his drink.
“Next thing I know, you’re all wearing pig masks or something.”
“That would be cool!” Jisung exclaimed as he munched on meat, his cheeks round and full.
“We’re not wearing masks. How are we supposed to rap then?” Changbin pipped in. “We’re not a metal band, come on.”
“We could be disruptive,” Jisung said smugly. He tried to take a piece of meat Felix was handing him with chopsticks, but the piece fell in a soup and splashed Minho. “Sorry man…” He still laughed, accompanied by the whole table. “Don’t get mad!” He added when he saw the older’s emotionless face.
“Why am I friends with children?” Minho voiced in a calm, too calm— scary, voice.
“Because you’re Changbin’s best friend.”
“Don’t look at me like that,” Changbin defended himself when Minho looked daggers at him. “I didn’t ask you to befriend my friends. You did this to yourself.”
“Too bad you all need someone to cut your meat for you,” Minho quipped, smirking.
When they finished eating, they went to the theater to see the latest blockbuster, sharing popcorn and soda drinks— even though half of them had cut down sugar for their diets— and holding hands because Hyunjin couldn’t go a day without the physical contact that always made him feel safe; Changbin would never grow tired of the feeling of his long fingers between his short ones.
It was Saturday, so after the movie ended, Changbin drove Hyunjin to practice while he went to Chan’s place with Jisung to compose music. Life went on as normal between classes, practice and hanging out from time to time.
Hyunjin had never lost his spirit. He remained the same sweet, bratty and silly boy he had always been, if not more hyper— especially paired with Jisung or Felix. He stayed focused on his dream of becoming an athlete, meticulous and resolute, and laughing loudly when he spotted them in the bleachers. It was as if he forgot, perhaps for the better.
On the other hand, Changbin tried to live as a twenty-year-old boy without intrusive thoughts getting in the way. At this point, so young and disarmed in the face of destiny, he could only accept his fate and make the best of it just like he had always done before; living his best life with Hyunjin.
However, chasing away their fate didn’t mean it was easy. Hyunjin always woke him up after a nightmare, tugging at his shirt and sobbing quietly in the dark of their bedroom. He always asked for stories. He always hugged Changbin tighter and longer as if he would disappear. He always told him to live after his death, pleading.
Changbin’s heart swayed towards two sides; one bursting with love, the other bursting with sorrow. Sometimes, his heart stayed still and that was when he didn’t know what to do anymore. He wanted to feel happy or to feel sad, and not be drowned in a constant fear preventing him from living his life fully or from falling into a pit of doom.
He’d rather feel than be in doubt.
“You’re quiet again,” he heard Hyunjin say from his spot on the desk chair, spinning and spinning and spinning with a pen in his mouth and flashcards missing to fall from his lap.
“I’m studying.”
“No, you’re thinking about it. Stop thinking about it.”
“I can’t help it,” Changbin groaned as he let his head fall in his arms where he was sprawled on the bed. “I wish I could.”
He heard Hyunjin moving from his chair and felt the bed dip next to him. Soon, Hyunjin’s hand carded through his short hair, and he was enveloped in his warmth
“What can I do?” Hyunjin hummed, leaving a kiss on his shoulder and still massaging his scalp. “Tell me what I can do to help you.”
“Um… I don’t—” But he felt Hyunjin’s hand slipping under his shirt, so instead he said: “Sex won’t fix anything, you know.”
“It doesn’t,” Hyunjin agreed, now his whole forearm resting along the dip of his backbone. “But it feels good.” He straddled his hips, sitting on his butt, and pulled up his t-shirt. “Fine, I’ll give you a massage then!”
“You’re too clumsy with your hands,” Changbin snorted. He looked over his shoulder to see Hyunjin’s pout, to which he raised an eyebrow and his pout turned into a playful grin; his tongue pushed the inside of his cheek like Changbin’s dick would sometimes slip in his mouth. “I said clumsy with your hands, not your mouth.”
“Well, you don’t complain when I use my hands to play with your junior,” Hyunjin crowed, slowly sliding his hands up his back. “Now, shut up and enjoy!” He said before getting up— and slapping his butt— to get oil from the bathroom.
When he got back, he seated himself on top of Changbin’s butt again, and began massaging his back with his oiled hands. To his surprise, Hyunjin’s hand felt great against his skin; unknotting his muscles, applying pressure where it felt good, and leaving a kiss on the nape of his neck.
“How come you’re so good?” Changbin voiced in an appreciative tone. He felt so relaxed.
“Coach Jinyoung taught me.”
“Coach Jinyoung?”
“Yes, my coach.”
Changbin peered behind to meet Hyunjin’s innocent eyes.
“Your coach is doing that to you?”
“That? Massaging?”
“You’re sitting on my butt,” Changbin pointed out. “Does your coach sit on your butt too?”
“Maybe,” Hyunjin trailed innocently, although his eyes sparked with mischief.
Changbin blinked in disbelief. Hyunjin’s coach was a handsome, elegant and fucking built man with a deep voice and a charming smile. Well, he was hot to say it curtly, because Hyunjin had always had a crush on this man ever since he joined his club.
“Trust me, you don’t want to see me jealous,” Changbin said, trying to sound playful, except that jealousy really started to rile him up. “Is he touching you like that?”
“Aw, come on,” Hyunjin whined, leaning to lay on top of him, his chin between Changbin’s shoulder blades. “He sits beside me and massages my limbs when it’s sore, that’s all. He sees me as a child, nothing else.”
“He taught you well…”
“And look who is enjoying my massage now,” he teased in a way Changbin could hear his smile. He rolled off, snuggling into him. “But it’s fair, I’m jealous too when I see you surrounded by girls who love 3RACHA.”
“Why aren’t jealous of our fanboys?” Changbin asked as he shifted on his side, facing the younger.
“Because you dated Soyeon… I feel like girls are an easier pick for you,” Hyunjin explained calmly. “Makes life easier in general, you know? While I’m a complication as a boy and… As someone who’s going to die.”
“Don’t say it.” Changbin let out a painful sigh, closing his eyes and rubbing his face against the covers. “I hate hearing it.”
“You have to promise me that you’re going to live after I die,” Hyunjin asserted, lifting himself on his elbows. “They will lose me, they can’t lose you too.”
“Stop it.”
“Promise me.”
“Hyunjin…”
“Promise me!”
Changbin looked back at him, angry.
“No. You don’t know how much it hurts.”
“You have to. You can’t stop living because of me.”
“I wish I had a choice,” Changbin shout, getting out of the bed and walking around his room with his hands on his hips. He had to calm down. “But I don’t have one, neither do you.”
Hyunjin stood up, mirroring his posture.
“You have the choice. Stay alive and make your dream come true. Besides, you’re almost there.”
“No. I’m not saying this because I don’t want to, but because I am unable to.”
Hyunjin walked to him and cupped his cheeks.
“You won’t be alone this time. Our friends, our families, they will be there.”
“I will try…” Changbin let out, although he had no faith in himself. “I promise.”
“Okay,” the younger nodded, smiling and kissing his forehead. “You deserve to be happy.”
You deserve to be happy too.
That was the first time Changbin regretted not pushing Hyunjin away. He should have killed himself the first time they met at boy scouts.
─────────
For Changbin’s birthday, they went to the beach again. They ate takeout, played in the water the whole afternoon, grilled marshmallows, then laid side by side on the towels to look at the stars. Seungmin was going on about his knowledge, just like they used to do when they were teenagers, pointing out starts and taking pictures of the beach.
At some point, Hyunjin exclaimed:
“Who’s in for a midnight swim?”
He stood up, hands on his hips.
“It’s too cold right now,” Seungmin said, bundled up in a sweater.
“It’s good for our health!”
“Pass,” Minho informed him, squeezed between Jisung and Felix who had their heads on his chest.
“Whatever.” Stubborn, Hyunjin pivoted on his bare feet towards the sea, but Changbin caught his ankle. “I want to swim!”
“It’s too cold.”
“It’s summer!”
“It’s still too cold,” Seungmin insisted, backing the older. “You’ll catch a cold, even if it’s summer.”
“It’s okay, Binnie will keep me warm when I come back—”
“It’s too dark,” Changbin said, pulling him by his ankle to make him fall backwards. “It’s dangerous.”
“I’ll come with you,” Chan announced as he stood up and wrapped his arm around the younger’s shoulder. “I’m not letting you go alone.”
“The last one in the sea pays for tomorrow’s breakfast!” Jisung shouted before stripping off his hoodie and running towards the sea. Felix imitated him, and then Hyunjin ran to catch them, followed by Chan.
“I’m not going, but I’m not paying either,” Seungmin said nonchalantly.
“It’s alright, I’ll pay,” Minho told them. He eyed Changbin who was scanning the sea where the boys were struggling against the waves. “Hey, it’s safe out there.”
“You never know…” Changbin frowned, this trauma never leaving him alone.
“Do you want to go watch him?”
Changbin pondered over the question for a long time before making up his mind.
“No, it’s fine. Everything is fine.” Changbin flopped back down on the towel, looking at the starry sky again.
(If he did, he would be exactly like that time where he locked Hyunjin in a room; a controlling freak, himself controlled by fear.)
The others came back the same way they went in the sea: running. Hyunjin ran until he reached Changbin, trembled like a leaf and decided to sit on his lap to keep himself warm. Changbin caught him in a towel before he could wet him all over.
After they were all dressed warmly, Jisung had the amazing idea to play truth or dare.
“What about dare or dare?” Felix suggested, taking an empty water bottle and spinning it on the sand. “We all know our truths, it’s not fun.”
“I’m not playing,” Chan said, laid on his belly and typing on his phone. “I’m straight.”
“What does being straight have to do with a game?” Hyunjin scoffed at him. “You’re just scared I’ll dare you to kiss Jisung’s feet.”
“That’s exactly why I won’t play either,” Minho told them with bored eyes.
“As you wish, cowards.” Felix smirked. “Changbin, you’re playing, right? You’re a scout like us, you’re one of us!”
“Oh, I will,” Changbin crowed with a lopsided grin. “There’s nothing I can’t do.”
“Okay, y’all can watch the youth have fun, then.” Jisung rolled up his sleeves theatrically, spinning the bottle that pointed at Seungmin. “I dare you to put twelve marshmallows into your mouth.”
Seungmin laughed half in earnest, half in jest and proceeded to insert the candies in his mouth while Hyunjin and Felix recorded him and his puffy cheeks and his drool, and the snot running from his nose because he had choked. He spit everything in a plastic bag Minho handed him with a disgusted face.
“My turn,” Seungmin said before spinning the bottle that pointed at Minho. “I dare you to kiss Changbin.”
“I’m not playing,” Minho reminded them.
“Yeah, he is not playing,” Changbin confirmed, glancing at Minho warily.
“Maybe I am playing after all,” his best friend quipped in a creepy tone. “Come here.” He made an exaggerated kissy mouth, crawling over Changbin while fluttering his lashes.
“No!” Changbin protested, trying to get away, except Hyunjin and Felix were holding him still.
“On the mouth!” Seungmin said victoriously as Changbin’s misfortune made him happy.
So, Minho plastered his mouth on his best friend’s who just gave up, limp in their arms.
It went on like that, playing and drinking, getting drunker with each sip, and then Felix dared Jisung to kiss Hyunjin. What was was supposed to be a simple smooch turned into full makeout because they were both drunk and Jisung was now totally on top of his friend. Changbin pulled him away— Hyunjin laughed because kissing Jiji was soooo weird!! and they decided to call it a night.
In the morning, Changbin woke up second after Chan, and together they tidied the place around the two tents. They waited until the others awakened while scrolling over their phone, sitting on the two camping chairs they had brought with them.
When Hyunjin woke up, he sat on Changbin’s lap and hugged him, resting his chin atop his boyfriend’s head.
“You’re so comfy,” he let out sleepily. “You’re always so comfy.”
“I’m glad that I’m multi-function. Boyfriend, chair…” Changbin trailed sarcastically.
Hyunjin giggled.
“Is it that bad? Am I that heavy?”
“No, you’re just a feather to me,” Changbin bragged. He had more muscles, thicker with better reflexes— except when it came to running, that was Hyunjin’s field. Besides, holding Hyunjin was normal occurrence; it was familiar.
“Remember when you were a feather. Tiny and cute, you had small hands, like a baby.”
“Well, I remember when you were tiny and cute, you fit on my lap like a baby.”
“When was that?” Hyunjin asked, looking at him. “With dancer Hyunjin?”
“Yes. You were a tiny girl, tiny waist, tiny wrists, narrow shoulders. Long legs, though. And nice boobs. You liked to hug me all the time.”
“Wow, she must have been hot.”
“She? You were her.”
“How was I as a girl?” Hyunjin smiled, lopsided and pretty. “Was I leading you by the nose back then?”
“Yeah…” Changbin admitted with a sigh.
“You were just smitten,” Hyunjin snickered, cat-like eyes and mischievous smile adorning his face. “I wish I remembered how we were in our past lives. I’d like to know if we loved each other the same.” He squished his cheek against the older’s temple.
“I always love you the same. If not stronger each time, even though it’s not possible since I have you under my skin,” Changbin told him, playing with the hem of Hyunjin’s shorts. “I guess it’s different for you because you’re always… Reset? So, you always take time falling in love with me.”
Hyunjin hummed.
“How does it feel seeing me not know you or with someone else? I know there are lives wherein we aren’t together…”
“Um… Let’s say that I’m used to it.”
“I’m sorry that I never remember you,” Hyunjin murmured, tilting Changbin’s chin up with one finger and kissing him softly.
On the way back home, Hyunjin curled his hand around Changbin’s thigh the whole ride.
─────────
In the kitchen, Changbin cut the strawberries in two while Hyunjin looked over his shoulder, hugging him from the back.
“You’re supposed to peel the apples,” Changbin told him. They were making a fruit salad for his sister who was taking a nap upstairs— she had caught a cold from having a snowball fight with him in the garden a few days ago.
“I can’t, you said that I was clumsy with my hands before.”
“Do you think I’m better?” He asked pointedly, looking at the weird shapes of the strawberries he had just sliced in three. “It’s not supposed to look good… We’re going to eat everything anyways.”
“But…” By the way Hyunjin voiced it, Changbin knew he was pouting. “I missed you and you’re so warm.”
Changbin let go of the knife and wiped his hand on his t-shirt. This was their first time together in three weeks; too long for them who had naturally developed a codependent relationship. Hyunjin had been busy with practice as usual— athletes never stopped, and Changbin with his debut.
They mostly missed the touches, seeking comfort in each other by just holding hands or hugging. Hyunjin needed physical affection the most, simple touches like fingers brushing his hair or the opposite, clinging onto Changbin until he riled him up enough that they end up having sex.
“Is everything alright?” Changbin asked as he turned to face Hyunjin who simply cupped his face and kissed him.
“I miss you, is all.”
Hyunjin pulled him towards a chair and straddled him when Changbin sat. He kept kissing him quietly, without a smile in the kiss like it used to be, something that happened only when the younger got too much on his mind. So, Changbin broke the kiss, earning a little frown from his boyfriend.
“Come on, tell me,” Changbin prompted, rubbing circles on his waist where his hands were resting.
Hyunjin averted his eyes for a second, thinking.
“I had a nightmare, a new one,” he finally said as his shoulder slumped.
Changbin felt Hyunjin’s body empty out of its energy while his own tensed.
“What do you mean?”
“A nightmare about one of our pasts. A life you never told me about…”
There were many; the worst lives.
“Which one?”
“I know there is a life in which I die alone with a needle,” Hyunjin gently explained, his thumbs caressing the nape of his neck. “But… In this one, you’re the one killing me.”
“I’m sorry you remember that.” Changbin closed his eyes, chasing away all these ugly images that were coming at once. There was a reason why he had blotted up the memory of Hyunjin’s murder; he simply couldn’t live with it, couldn’t forgive himself. The worst life, the one without love, only fear. “I wish you didn’t, because I don’t want to remember that.”
“I’m sure you had a reason,” Hyunjin said in a reassuring tone.
“No,” he whispered, hurt. “I didn’t…”
(I strangled you to death. I kept you away, locked and at my mercy, thinking destiny couldn’t come knocking at our door. But destiny did, I was destiny and I killed you. )
“You couldn’t be a bad person,” Hyunjin reasoned.
“What I did was wrong, I regret it. I am sorry.” That was also why the younger should never remember: he shouldn’t be tainted by all the bad, all the sorrow, all the despair. It put holes in Changbin’s head and Hyunjin deserve to be reincarnated immaculate, without nightmares wounding him. “Please, don’t ask me what happened.”
“Okay, I won’t.” Hyunjin pressed their foreheads together. “You promise it won’t happen again? It is scary.”
“I promise I’ll never do that again,” Changbin promised as he wrapped his arms around Hyunjin’s waist. He buried his face in the crook of his neck, taking in his scent and warmth. He would never be able to come to terms with their fate, but he would try to make Hyunjin happy each time. He would.
They hugged in the silence of the kitchen until Yubin’s the footsteps echoed in the stairs. She raised an eyebrow when she saw them.
“Hi sister!” Hyunjin greeted her with a smile. “How are you feeling?”
“Better… Why isn’t my salad done?” Her voice was thick from the cold. “You got carried away again, uh?” She teased them, sitting down at the table and picking the slices of apples Hyunjin was cutting earlier.
“Well, I missed your brother,” Hyunjin told her, resting his chin atop Changbin’s head.
“Didn’t you miss your sister too?”
“I did, but… It’s not the same,” he whispered conspiratorially.
Changbin slapped his butt, earning a pout.
“Don’t corrupt my sister’s mind.”
She laughed.
So, they prepared the salad together— Hyunjin’s orange splashed his face when he tried to peel it, and ate watching a romcom.
Later, when it was time to sleep and every family member went to bed, Hyunjin laid beside him without initiating a touch. Worried as to why he was uncharacteristically distant, Changbin turned on the bedside lamp and sat against the headboard, pulling Hyunjin up with him.
“Come on. Speak.”
Hyunjin hugged his knees, his lips knotting into a slight pout. Changbin didn’t like how his eyes lost their usual spark. Hyunjin’s eyes were like beautiful, black marbles, always shining with emotions. The absence of it was worrisome, Changbin knew him too well; last life, Hyunjin had thrown herself back into bad people’s arms and had overdosed.
“It’s just…” Hyunjin tried to explain, but bit his lip instead. “What’s the point?”
“What’s the point of what?”
“Of living.” He looked at him with eyes brimming with sorrow. “I have a dream that I could never achieve because I’m going to die soon. I go to school, and it’s so hard, and I don’t see you as often anymore, and all of that doesn’t matter because I’m going to die anyway.”
“Hyunjin… I—” His voice got stuck in his throat.
This sounded like someone with a terminal disease he saw in movies, except that it was real and there was nothing romantic about death. Besides, he didn’t know what to say, what Hyunjin needed to hear, because that was the curse of knowing their fate, Changbin had been there before: despair eating him alive until… Until nothing because nothing could be done.
The reason he was holding on was Hyunjin: his love, his happiness and his existence.
“I’m not asking for an answer,” Hyunjin softly said, pressing himself against him and linking their arms. He rested his head on his shoulder; the fragrance of his shampoo ghosting over Changbin’s nose. “I’m not giving up either, if that’s what you’re thinking.”
That was exactly what Changbin was thinking.
“I need to say it so it stops being played in a loop in my mind,” Hyunjin continued. “It’s not how I should be thinking, I am gifted with many lives with you and that makes me happy. You know it makes me happy, right? Knowing that we will be together forever. But…” He pouted, Changbin could hear it; he pouted and hugged his arm tighter. “I wish we wouldn’t be separated so violently, I want to live long because our life is perfect. We have our friends and we are close to achieve our dreams.”
Changbin leaned his head on top of Hyunjin’s and curled his hand around his knee that was resting against his own.
“Go on,” he let out.
“Sometimes, I think about how I’ll die. It gets dark and scary,” Hyunjin carried on in a soft voice. “Sometimes, I don’t care— No, most of the time, I don’t care. I just want to live happily, fuck destiny.” It made Changbin smile. “This is just one of those days where I care. It will pass, I promise.”
“Okay.” Changbin rubbed his head against Hyunjin’s. “Is there something I can do?”
Hyunjin hummed, untangling himself and facing him.
“It’s been three weeks…” He trailed before capturing his lips and straddling him.
Changbin wrapped him in his arms, and they kissed for a long time, wet and hungry until their lips were sore. They undressed, not completely, but their pants were low enough to allow them sex; Hyunjin still on top of him, riding him, then letting Changbin roll them over to fuck him rougher than usual. They bit each other to stay quiet, leaving marks where they liked— necks, shoulders, sometimes their hands, and then caught their breaths in the dark of the room.
“It’s weird,” Hyunjin murmured sleepily. “It feels surreal.”
“I does.”
They fell asleep with Hyunjin listening to Changbin’s heartbeats while the latter played with his hair.
They spent the weekend together at home; eating a lot, watching movies and playing games with Yubin. They tried working out, but ended up wrestling to see which one was the stronger. Changbin won because Hyunjin dodged him and whined instead of fighting back.
They took a bath together, something they never did before, and they just talked in the warmth of the water until Hyunjin shampooed Changbin’s hair and cupped his face to tell him how cute he was.
Changbin looked away, flustered.
Sunday afternoon, after another bath, Changbin was brushing his teeth over the sink when Hyunjin snaked his arms around his middle and placed his chin atop his shoulder.
“I don’t want to leave,” the younger softly told him. “We should skip school tomorrow.”
“I’m okay with that,” Changbin agreed with a mouthful of toothpaste. He was already missing classes in favor of music, so skipping one day wouldn’t matter, especially if it meant spending more time with his boyfriend.
“But our parents aren’t.” Hyunjin let out a sigh, his breath tickling the crook of Changbin’s neck. He was pouting.
“We should move in with Chan.”
“My parents would never allow that,” he said in a chuckle.
“I’ll kidnap you next weekend. After our gig.”
Hyunjin smiled as his hand drifted lower where he toyed with Changbin’s happy trail.
“You’re such a bad boy.” Hyunjin hummed against the shell of his ear while pressing himself flat against his back.
They were bare except for their underwear and Changbin felt Hyunjin’s dick press against the slope of his back, his graceful fingers crawling to where his own dick was slowly thickening. Hyunjin gave slight taps, each spreading a pool of warmth within Changbin’s body, and then shot him an intense gaze before leaving the bathroom.
When Changbin entered his bedroom, Hyunjin, who was laying on the bed, lifted himself on his elbows. Changbin gave him a quizzical look— he knew what the younger wanted but it was always fun to watch him seduce him, to which Hyunjin rolled on his front to buck up his pert butt.
“What are you doing?” Changbin teased him as he climbed on the bed, between the long legs.
“Come on, isn’t that obvious?”
“Let me think…”
Hyunjin looked daggers at him, swinging his legs back and forth like a petulant child.
“Hurry!”
Changbin laid flat on top of him, his dick rubbing against the younger’s butt.
“Is this how you want to do it?” He asked as he embraced him in his arms, leaving kisses between his shoulder blades.
“Yes. What about you?” Hyunjin kept wiggly his butt against his dick, his face adorning a pretty, lopsided grin.
“I’d take you anywhere.” Changbin smirked.
Hyunjin hummed contently.
“What a surprise.”
Changbin pinched his belly, earning a whine. He wanted to kiss him, but he couldn’t see his face in this position. So, he untangled himself and rolled on his back, Hyunjin looking at him curiously.
“I can’t see you properly,” he explained, letting Hyunjin straddle him.
“You’re so cute.” Hyunjin smiled, his eyes fond, tilting his head before leaning down for a kiss. “You love me so much.”
“I do.”
“I like that. I love you too.”
In the end, they did it like lazy morning sex, propped against the pillows and a lot of kisses.
─────────
At the dawn of Spring, they went to an amusement park accompanied with Minho, Jisung, Felix and Seungmin.
They went from eating cotton candy and burgers to Hyunjin and Jisung throwing up in the public bathroom after a ride on the viking boat.
“That’s it, I’m going vegan,” Hyunjin announced dramatically, his face puffy and red.
“Same. No more meat. Ever.” Jisung tried to clear his throat a few times before Minho gave him a water bottle. “Thanks. And fuck meat.”
“I must admit that the burgers weren’t that good,” Felix said as he crossed his arms over his belly. “I’m nauseous.”
“We should do something else,” Changbin suggested. “I want to shoot.”
“Me too! Let’s shoot!” Hyunjin took his hand and pulled him towards the various stands.
The six of them occupied all the shooting stand, some better than the others— Seungmin being last because of his bad eyesight and Minho coming close because he didn’t see the point of this game. Changbin took over, easily shooting with the pellet gun. Seungmin took pictures of all of them while Hyunjin took pictures of Changbin.
“My tiny boyfriend with this big pellet gun!” He cheered with a sweet smile, making Changbin uncharacteristically timid.
Eleven lives and he still wasn’t used to this kind of compliments; being called cute or pretty. It made him shrink instead of puffing him up with pride like all the times Hyunjin called him hot, sexy or cool; it made him shrink because he felt like he was only a young man, short with an undercut and bangs bouncing around his head when he walked, who liked video games and music and his sister a lot. Like he wasn’t this old entity dying after the deaths of the love of his lives.
Hyunjin squished his cheeks because he had scored the best.
They added all their points to get that big Baymax cuddly toy that caught Felix’s eyes. Then, they played with the punching bag machine, Hyunjin scoring the highest to everyone’s surprise— he looked like a twig, especially next to Changbin and Minho, but apparently his lithe body hid impressive strength.
(It shouldn’t surprise Changbin though, prince Hyunjin could wield two swords after all.)
“Why?” His pretty eyes filled in sadness. “I’m an athlete, obviously I’m the strongest!”
“This is pure luck,” Minho said more to tease him than anything, earning an awaited pout.
After that, they went on numerous roller coasters solely for adrenaline, even if half of them hated speed and heights. Around midnight, they shared a toffee apple, one bite each, which resulted to candy sticking to their teeth and the snack being thrown in a trash can. They opted for churros instead.
They sat on the grass among a bunch of people also looking up at the sky for the fireworks. Hyunjin leaned against Changbin and held his hand. He took a bunch of selfies, posing like a model while Changbin simply popped two fingers into a sign.
They kissed, tasting like sugar and soda, Hyunjin’s rosy lips against his own. Changbin couldn’t let go of him, he liked Hyunjin’s weight against him, his warmth and the scent of his shampoo. He liked his face lit by the moonlight and by the fireworks. He liked the feeling of his fingers intertwined with his own. And above all, he liked the glimmer in Hyunjin’s eyes when he looked at him with a beaming smile.
─────────
Backstage, after the end of 3RACHA’s concert, Hyunjin jumped in his arms. He was giddy with excitement, cradling Changbin’s shorter frame into his arms and looking at him with stars in his eyes.
“You guys were awesome! You were so cool and fierce and hot. My boyfriend is the best.”
“Of course I am,” Changbin bragged as he let Hyunjin cling to him despite being covered in sweat— he felt gross, but it didn’t stop Hyunjin from kissing him. “And I have the best fanboy.”
Lilly, Minho and Hyunjin waited as their partners changed into their regular outfits— they had used some masks like metal bands did, only because they had lost to Jisung at rock-paper-scissors.
They left the venue once all their stuff was packed.
During the ride, Hyunjin told him about his day at school; he told him about Seungmin’s and Felix’s days as well because they were part of his life; he told him about the summer camp his club organized that would last over three weeks and how long it was because it meant they wouldn’t be able to see each other.
“Were we always together all the time?”
“It depended on what duties we had, but we would always sneak out to see each other in the end,” Changbin replied as he pulled over, stopping the car in front of the garage where his parents’ had parked theirs.
“I don’t know if it’s healthy or not,” Hyunjin hummed before getting out of the car.
“I’d rather be with you everyday than not know where you are or how to reach you.”
“What if we get tired of each other?”
They met at the trunk, face to face.
“I stopped living with what ifs…” Changbin gave him small smile, opening the trunk and taking out his backpack. “I don’t want to worry about what will happen to us anymore.”
“I understand,” Hyunjin murmured as he cupped his cheeks and smooched his mouth, smiling against his lips. “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
“I told my parents about us.”
“You— what? Really?” Changbin blinked, dropping his bag on the ground to wind his arms around Hyunjin’s waist. “What did they say?”
“They said that they had guessed since we were doing a lot of sleepovers and because we seemed happier than before,” the younger told him in his soft voice. Soothing. “My mom said I transform into a kitten when I am with you. What does that mean?” He pouted.
“That you’re all intimidating unless I’m here for you to cuddle.” Changbin grinned, tiptoeing to steal a kiss. “Why did you tell them?”
“Because they’re my parents and I want them to know about us.”
“Should I tell mine?”
“Only if you want to.”
“I think Yubin already knows.”
“I think so too.”
Inside, Changbin’s mother reheated the leftover food and set the table for them. She petted her son’s head while praising him because he had been amazing tonight, she couldn’t stop replaying the live on the television. He tried to make her stop, but she kept on dotting him so he gave up, his cheeks pink.
They went upstairs to take a bath together and Changbin thought that there was no way his parents didn’t know either. Hyunjin shampooed his sweaty hair and then hugged him from behind while he brushed his teeth, waiting for him.
Then they slipped into the bed, Hyunjin curling around him with his knee pressing up against his bulge. He met Hyunjin’s intense stare, saw his little smirk, as warmth was quickly crawling all over his body. Hyunjin was warm on top of him, his wet lips warm against his own. Changbin strayed his hand where he could grope Hyunjin’s pert butt and push him down where their dicks touched.
He rolled them over, settling between the younger’s long legs and nuzzling along his neck, his scent intoxicating. Hyunjin kept him between his arms, eagerly pulling his clothes away. Soon, they were bare, their mouths never leaving each other and they did it slowly, sitting on the bed sheets with their limbs tangled.
(Hyunjin had always been this tasty fruit with a blade hidden inside that Changbin couldn’t stop devouring, addicted to his taste, his scent, his shape and how it made him feel, hard and avid and unable to stop; hooked to both love and pain.)
“Were we doing it all the time in our past lives?” Hyunjin asked sleepily as he made himself comfortable under the sheets and against Changbin’s chest.
They had cleaned themselves and put on new pairs of pajamas.
“Yes…” Changbin admitted, yawning. “We used snake skin for condoms.”
“Is it effective? Did I ever get pregnant?”
“I don’t think so. We were always careful.”
“Sounds like us,” Hyunjin hummed, resting his head above Changbin’s heart. “Are you going to tell your parents about us?”
“I’d like to, yeah… While you’re here.”
Hyunjin looked up at him with a soft smile.
“I’ll be with you,” he told him, lifting himself to peck his lips, then laying back to his initial position where Changbin could lazily run his fingers through his hair. “Goodnight.”
“‘Night,” Changbin managed to reply before falling asleep.
In the morning, they had a family breakfast on the patio bathed in the already warm sun rays of the summer. Hyunjin closely sat next to him like he always did when they were together; each other’s presence always comforting. They ate while talking about everything and nothing until…
“Mom, Dad, I have something to tell you,” Changbin said after gathering courage. He didn’t know why he was nervous, especially since he had faced worse during all his lives. He felt Hyunjin press against him, silent.
“What is it?” His mother enquired as she was peeling an apple. His father had stopped sipping his coffee and Yubin just sat cross-legged beside him, quizzically raising her eyebrow.
“Hyunjin and I… We’re together,” he simply declared, the tip of his ears burning. “We’re dating.”
“Oh?” His father exclaimed calmly. “Since when?”
“It will be almost two years in three months,” Hyunjin pipped in, Changbin could hear his smile.
“Basically, right after you broke up with Soyeon,” Yubin chuckled, her grin knowing.
“Um… Yes.”
“Aw, sweetie. I’m sad that you didn’t tell us sooner, we would have invited Hyunjin for family gatherings more often,” his mother nagged while cutting the apple in slices and offering some to her husband— he picked one piece, and then Yubin stole the plate.
“Yeah, that’s too bad,” Hyunjin pouted, placing his chin atop his boyfriend’s shoulder and linking their arms.
“It’s okay honey, I’ll make sure to keep a seat for you next time.”
“I guess we officially have a second son.” His father shot him a warm smile, the wrinkles around his eyes creasing even more.
His favorite life, really.
“I want to see a kiss,” Yubin grinned around an apple slice. “Or I don’t believe it.”
“Yubin!” Their mother scolded, but Hyunjin smooched Changbin’s cheek anyway.
─────────
For a weekend, they decided to go camping. All the boy scouts gang packed and piled up in Changbin’s pick-up to the vastest forest in the surrounding area.
They went for a walk, ankle boots and hats because it was too dangerous with sneakers and way too warm to let the sun burn their heads.
Seungmin would follow the map, Jisung would wander left and right because he couldn’t stay in place, Felix would want to play in the river and of course, they all did too. Changbin would take in the absence of noise, except for the few birds chirping, and the scent of the earth. Nothing but tranquility.
After that, they decided to climb the highest leafy tree.
“I think we can see the whole town from up there,” Seungmin said as he scanned his map. “We’re right in the middle of the forest.”
“Who’s going first?” Felix asked while jumping to hang off a sturdy branch. “Who’s the scout?”
“I’ll go first to make sure it’s safe,” Changbin told them as Hyunjin, who was picking up an apple from another tree, came to drape his arm over his shoulders. He took a piece and then brought the fruit to Changbin’s mouth for a bite.
When he swallowed, Hyunjin leaned in for a sweet kiss.
“I suggest you all go first and I watch from below because I hate heights.” Jisung was hanging off a branch and swinging like a monkey just like Felix. “Don’t forget to take pictures for me!”
Changbin went first to test the solidity of each branch before climbing, followed by the others one by one with Hyunjin bringing up the rear. He reached the crown of the tree; peace and wind, and a great stretch of green leaves befell him. Only his face peeked out as the highest branches were also the weakest.
“How is it?” Seungmin asked from below, his voice a murmur in Changbin’s ears.
“As impressive as it was when we were kids.”
He went down to let Seungmin reach the crown, and as they switched places, he heard a crack— his bracelet shattering, then another, and another. Crack, crack, crack— Seungmin looked at him, frozen, and he saw Felix, as petrified, look down.
And then, Jisung screamed.
Changbin’s felt his blood turn to ice.
Seungmin opened his mouth, his eyes widening.
Jisung kept screaming, a chant of no, no, no, no, no—
Hit by the reality, Changbin hurried down, his breath stuck in his chest. It felt like time stopped, like he was suddenly too slow. He hopped on the ground, skin scratched by the leaves and branches, to find Hyunjin’s head limp in a pool of blood.
Jisung was holding him, crying; his phone, red, next to them.
Changbin fell on his knees, reaching to touch Hyunjin’s hair.
His eyes were open and watery and he was whimpering, in pain.
“Hyunjin…” Changbin breathed, his vision blurred by the avalanche of tears. He felt his heart being slowly, slowly, slowly ripped away. A familiar ache he would never get used to.
“I called the ambulance,” Jisung told them between panicked sobs.
But they were in the middle of a forest—
They could run—
If they were quick, maybe—
Hyunjin tried to move; another whimper and more blood.
Don’t touch him, one of the boys shout.
Don’t move him!
He’s going to die!
We have to do something!
Hyunjin reached for them, his hand weak.
Changbin held it against his mouth, silent.
His hand, cold in his hold.
Limp.
Red.
And then, destiny.
Death.
─────────
Tree, fall, death, all the blood down.
My last scream, my fists tearing into the ground.
I can’t breathe, I can’t speak, my wound too profound.
I love you.
─────────
The day of the private funeral, Hyunjin’s body was carefully covered with flowers and his shiny black hair was neatly tucked behind his dainty ears. His parents made their farewell in a mix of breathless silence and sobs. Everyone was there, his family, his longtime friends and their families, his team, some teachers, some classmates; faces like poignant sorrow, eyes void like polished marbles.
It was a sunny day, a soft, warm breeze that didn’t help chase away the cold within Changbin.
They put Hyunjin in the ground, deep.
Changbin wanted to lay down in the earth, by his side, and sleep.
Minho held his hand the whole time, Chan had his arm around his shoulders, and Changbin was aware that the ones who knew about destiny hurt as much. They didn’t want to lose him as well. They told him: we don’t want to lose you too. They told him they didn’t know how to deal with the pain either. No one knew how to mourn, anyway. They all lost someone precious; a son, a friend, a favorite student, a lover.
It didn’t matter, he was hurting. Still holding on just like all the ones who loved Hyunjin were, but hurting once more. He was pouring forth a great pain, a wide open chasm expanding from his being, dark and unforgiving, and another hole in his brain, another hole in his heart. Another death like another worm eating his soul.
He would remember, Hyunjin the athlete who loved apples like Hyunjin the orphan, who ate his apples raw with the peel like Hyunjin the prince, who smelled like apples like Hyunjin the dancer, and Hyunjin the merchant, and every Hyunjin he loved.
He cried, heart at the rim of his lips.
Chan took him in his arms where he could only hear the thrum of his heart, the speed of his breathing and his own voice cracking one last time before disappearing into an eternal silence.
Hyunjin, his eyes black and gleamy, with a spark of mischief and another of delicateness; his smile, beaming and sweet with round teeth that always hid a giggle; his skin, smooth and tan and smelling like everything Changbin liked; his being, soft, sensitive and alluring the way that had Changbin smitten.
The essence of him imprinted in his person without end.
He was gone.
Changbin was alive.
He kept living like he promised Hyunjin, bearing with this heartache that always tore him apart.
They made songs about him; the only time Changbin was speaking. They spent his birthdays together. They cried every time they mentioned his name; a piece missing like a piece of their hearts, so it hurt all the time and would hurt until their hearts stopped beating.
Changbin brought lovely flowers to his grave every day, tormented by his tragic death, by how unfair it was that he was dead. Dead, dead, dead; this terrible anguish never leaving him.
He wore both love and loneliness like a coat that sewed into his skin and became his shadow. He lived long; lived his dream and beyond, until he died too. The pain like an overflowing steam; a cruel torture like drowning and breathing water; like all the ragged tears his eyes cried.
─────────
Changbin grew up thinking that there was something wrong with him. He drew things he never remembered seeing, constantly worrying his teachers about the extent of his imagination. He was nine, he liked stories, his head filled with adventures and swords and trees and friends he never met, and war against people, war against time and death.
He felt the weight of all those lives that ran across his head like it was memories and not fictional stories, but it always scared him so he preferred to call it dreams.
He had an imaginary friend that he drew all the time, sometimes they were sitting on a tree, sometimes they were fighting bad guys, sometimes they were holding hands, sometimes they were girls; his best friend who would always lay in bed beside him and listen to his stories. He had cat-like eyes that Changbin liked to look at, and an attitude that pushed Changbin to talk back to the kids who were picking on him for being quiet and tiny.
Hyunjin; a pretty name for his pretty, imaginary friend.
One day, when he was twelve, he went to the playground with his ball squeezed under his arm. He wanted to play soccer with the other kids, but noticed that most of his comrades were gathered around the merry-go-round play. In the middle of it, stood a kid waving a small wooden sword; he had a paper crown atop his small head and an impish smile.
“Who is this?” Changbin asked his comrades when he came closer.
“The king of the playground. He won against our local bully,” a girl, who was living in the neighborhood, explained.
“He challenged that moron?”
“Yeah, and he took the crown.”
“How?”
“They raced.”
“Bullies out!” The little king yelled, pointing to an older kid— the one who had picked on Changbin many times before. “Not in my kingdom!”
“Bullies out!” The other kids chanted.
“Hyunjin, you know that if you do that. You’ll be a bully too?” A little boy with braces told him in a sigh.
Changbin blinked, squinting his eyes to see this Hyunjin better.
“But Jeonginnie…” The little king, Hyunjin, pouted, looking at his friend. “Bullies can’t play with us!”
“I’m not a bully! Stop calling me that!”
“You lost to me!” Hyunjin retorted, his eyes cold. “Bow down to the king or leave.”
“Out! Out! Out!” Everyone chanted again while the group of kids Changbin, and many others, didn’t like walked away.
Changbin stared at Hyunjin, cat-like eyes and button nose, and clearly an attitude like his imaginary friend had… Except that this Hyunjin was real, and he was already pulling in a crowd like everyone was bees and he was the prettiest flower.
He watched as Hyunjin hopped down, holding his sword over his shoulder like it was a baseball bat.
They made eye contact and Hyunjin approached, staring back at him curiously.
“My name is Hyunjin,” he chirped, giving Changbin a toothy smile— one of his canines was missing. “I don’t know you. What’s your name?”
“Changbin.”
“Welcome to my kingdom!”
Changbin titled his head.
“I’ve never seen you around. Are you new here?”
“Yes, I moved in two days ago.”
“And you’re already the king?”
“I run very fast,” Hyunjin told him as his keen eyes turned into crescents moons. “Wanna be one of my knights? You’ll be the second!” He pointed over his shoulder at Jeongin who waved at him while timidly smiling. “He’s the first, he showed me around.”
“Okay…” Changbin said, confused that the boy of his dreams was here, in the flesh, befriending his friends and claiming the playground.
“Okay?”
“I’ll be your knight.”
“Yay!” Hyunjin let out in joy. His shiny eyes briefly darted down to the ball Changbin was still holding. “Can I play soccer with you? I like soccer.”
“Of course.” Changbin mirrored his smile.
“Okay, let me call everyone.” Hyunjin spun on his heels and waved his sword again. On his tiptoes, he yelled: “I’m picking players! Who wants to be in my team? We’re playing soccer!”
“I am not dreaming, am I?” Changbin murmured to himself, extending his hand to touch Hyunjin’s tiny arm. He was real, full of spirit and pretty like he had always been in his dreams.
“Uh? Why would you be dreaming? Are you okay?” Hyunjin looked at him with familiar round eyes as a familiar pout knotted his rosy lips together. He had those shiny eyes filled in worry that made Changbin’s tummy churn weirdly. “Binnie?” Hyunjin called, tilting his head and extending his free hand to tap his shoulder.
“Because you’re too cute to be real,” Changbin blurted out, not knowing where it was coming from. His cheeks flushed while a dust of pink was blooming on Hyunjin’s soft ones.
“You talk like my older brother talks to his girlfriend,” Hyunjin told him as he eyed him curiously again. “Do you want to hold my hand too?”
“Yes,” Changbin replied boldly.
“Cool! We’re both kings now!” Hyunjin exclaimed as he took his hand and faced the kids coming one by one to play soccer with them.
The feeling of their tiny fingers intertwined together made everything fall into place.
He had found Hyunjin again.
Alive and radiant and holding his clammy hand.
Changbin’s toes curled in his sneakers as he tried to tone down this sudden excitation pulsating in his veins; his heart fluttering, his feelings chasing away all the confusing gloom he had been experiencing through dreams and what he thought was only the fruit of his imagination.
He couldn’t resist the beaming smile pulling at the corners of his mouth.
Hyunjin. With him. Again.
Happiness.
fin.