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DANCES WITH WEREWOLVES
Jordan: You may know that there was a council meeting out by the Hale house last night. I don't know if someone spiked the punch with wolfsbane or something, but we now have multiple newly-bitten twentysomethings who were all sheparded to my house a few hours after that meeting. I have no idea how Stiles managed to wrangle them all, but be advised that they are all accounted for and doing well.
Boyd: While you're recovering, I suggest you think about telling your grandmother about your situation. I will respect your decision, but keep in mind that it will be better to tell her yourself than have her find out on her own.
Erica: As Stiles would say, "welcome to werewolfdom". We still don't know how your new status affects your epilepsy, so don't be afraid to tell me (or Stiles) if you need anything.
Isaac: You're safe here. Take it easy for now, and in a few days, we'll talk about your options.
Jackson: I'm glad you're okay, but if I have to cite you and Lydia for public indecency one more time, your dad is not going to be able to protect you.
Lydia: I know you're having a hard time with your parents, but sex in the woods is never the answer. I'm sure you know that that's the start of any number of urban legends. It's been awhile since you came to visit, but I'm sure you remember where everything is. Welcome back.
Scott: I'm not going to tell you that you need to talk to your mom; you already know that. I just want to thank you for protecting Stiles when I couldn't. I'm so grateful that both of you are safe.
Stiles: Leather jackets, really? Have you been staying up overnight to watch musicals again? I won't ask you what you and Scott were doing in the woods last night, but I'm so proud of you for taking charge of everything. I couldn't have asked for a better kid.
Tara: Evidently, Peter Hale got a status upgrade about a week ago. Details are sketchy, but it seems he was previously in a dangerous situation with a hunter and had recently escaped, and in his delirium he went on a biting spree on his way home. Talia's going to bring him to the station once he's calmed down. I look forward to telling him that he's adopted five werewolves and a banshee.
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THE DEFINITION OF A HOLE
Attention All: There is something that looks like a hole in the wall of our laundry room. It is not actually a hole. Do not touch it. There is no guarantee that either Stiles or I will be able to save you if you do.
Allison: You know that you are welcome at our house at any time, but may I suggest you do not leave any weapons in the downstairs bathroom? That's awfully close to the laundry room, and I'd rather not risk it. Scott can explain it to you, if you need clarification.
Boyd: Thank you for not going near the hole and trying to keep other people away from it. If this were kindergarten, I'd give you a gold star. On second thought, I'm pretty sure I have some stickers lying around; drop by the station when you get the chance and I'll give you one.
Erica: I'm glad that you're feeling more empowered since becoming a werewolf, but please stop daring people to spend the night in our laundry room.
Isaac: While I'm glad that Scott and Melissa have taken you in, this is not Scott's house, and this is not a game of truth or dare. Do not go near that hole.
Jackson: I know that things are confusing right now, and you're trying to find your place in the pack, but you do not need to prove yourself by going near that hole.
Lydia: I thought you were more sensible than this; have you been spending too much time with Erica? If I admit that it's basically a hole, will you stop trying to measure it and go home? This is a terrible idea, and I guarantee that it will not help you win a Fields Medal.
Peter: Welcome to alphahood. This is your new pack, you come and deal with them.
Scott: The next time one of the pack hassles you about the hole, remind them that technically, one of the definitions for the word is, "a hollow place in a solid body". If they still don't get it, that's on them.
Stiles: The shade ate Jackson. He's mouthy enough that it's probably going to just spit him back out, but I have no idea where. I almost regret not letting you put a tracker in him. On another note, please stop making friends with shades. I want to be able to get up in the middle of the night in peace and not worry about accidentally getting chomped on or sucked into an alternate dimension. I also don't want to ask Titania for help because the last thing we need is for her to start a war with the Shadow Court over who loves us the most.
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LET'S NOT KILL IT WITH FIRE
Attention All: While I know that you are all still settling into your new abilities and establishing your territory, please leave monster hunting to the Hales. There have been a couple of close calls recently, and I don't want anyone getting hurt. As I'm sure all of you are aware, a stake through the heart will kill a vampire. This does not mean you should go around stabbing people. A stake through the heart will kill just about everything--including humans.
Allison: Please stop replacing my rounds with supernatural-grade bullets. I know that you're just trying to help, but it's not fair to the other officers. Please do not give the other officers supernatural-grade bullets, either. Inevitably, someone will get shot with the wrong kind of bullet, and I don't have time to deal with the conspiracy theories that would inevitably pop up because of it.
Boyd: I honestly did not know that you could run over someone with a zamboni machine. I admire the quick thinking, but I will never be able to ice skate again.
Cora: Thanks for the cookies, but don't you already have a pack?
Derek: Thanks for the steak, but don't you already have a pack?
Erica: I don't like bite-y things, either, but "kill it with fire" is not an option. The Forestry Service's budget is down and they are not equipped to deal with a wildfire, especially this time of year.
Ethan & Aiden: It's nice to meet you. Make yourselves at home, but try to avoid the hole in the laundry room. Also, don't mind Jackson; he's only been back for a week and he's feeling a little jumpy.
Isaac: Far be it for me to give fashion advice, but is there a reason for all of the scarves?
Jackson: I'll say this as many times as you need me to. You are not a burden. You do not look like something out of a Japanese monster movie, and I'm sure that Stiles will be willing to share his bedroom if you want to stay with him. I remember those sleepovers from when you were kids, and I still make a mean grilled cheese sandwich.
Lydia: While I'm touched that you and Allison are trying to protect me, please stop having ghosts follow me on patrol. The last guy I pulled over almost ran over my foot, he was so startled by my "deputy" appearing out of thin air.
Peter: As good of a teacher as you are on the wolf side of things, please stop watching horror movies with them. It's giving them ideas. Also, don't think I don't know about you sneaking around with Stiles. I'll see you for dinner on Saturday at 7:00. Wear something nice.
Scott: I know that you worry about Stiles and I, but stop enabling the rest of the pack. You're supposed to set an example. Don't make me break out the baby pictures.
Stiles: I'd ask how on Earth you managed to get a flamethrower, but I don't think I want to know.
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THERE WILL BE NO ZOMBIES
Attention All: Despite what you might have heard, there will be no zombies. I mean it. Anyone who's seen even one zombie movie knows what a horrible idea making zombies is. Either you will somehow kickstart the apocalypse, or I will end up with a zombie as a pet, and I don't want a regular pet, let alone an undead one.
Allison: I got a call from your dad the other day about the thoroughness of your zombie preparedness plan. He was particularly concerned with the section where it specified that if either Scott or Stiles became a zombie, the other would keep his zombiefied best friend around for bro-time, video games, etc.
Cora & Derek: Are you sure you want to be in Peter's pack? You can still change your minds.
Erica: Michael Jackson's Thriller is not research material. Getting the pack to reenact the video, while hilarious, should only be done at home. What is not funny is going into the drugstore with your makeup on and scaring the pharmacists. Mr. Stearns is already a hypochondriac; we don't need to send him into a nervous breakdown.
Ethan & Aiden: Please, go home. I don't know what Peter promised and/or threatened you with but you do not need to be outside our house at 4:00 in the morning. Stiles and I have lived without werewolf bodyguards for years; we will continue to do fine without them...On the other hand, I found the doughnuts you left me. I suppose you can stay a little while longer.
Lydia: I would think that, out of everyone, you would be most opposed to this zombie plan. We have no idea how it would affect your banshee senses, and Eichen House looks like it belongs in a horror movie for a reason, you know.
Peter: Are you sure that these are the people you want in your pack?
Scott: In the unlikely event that Stiles ever becomes a zombie, I'm sure he wouldn't want you to endanger yourself or anyone else by keeping him in the shed in your backyard, even for game nights.
Stiles: I mean it, Stiles! No pet zombies. I don't care if it looks sad and you feel sorry for it. We are not going to have another incident like the Great Snake Escape of fourth grade. If you need more incentive, consider this: how long do you think it would take for the Courts to notice the zombies, and send people to investigate? Just because you managed to charm Mab into turning the Hunt into a parade as a toddler doesn't mean that it is any less dangerous.
Tara: I can't believe I'm saying this, but please be on the lookout for zombies, which have somehow become the kids' newest solution for dealing with supernatural problems. I keep telling them to let Talia handle it, but I think they've spent too much time at my house and have contracted Stiles's hero complex.
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LIKE SOMETHING OUT OF A CHILDREN'S BOOK
Allison: While using explosives was an efficient way to get rid of that pancake that was covering the elementary school, it would have been considerably less messy to hand out knives and forks.
Boyd: You know better; I know you do. I know that Erica likes to call you her Chocolate Thunder (and I really wish I didn't) but that does not mean that you should jump into that river of cocoa currently flowing through the middle of town. Please don't make me call your grandmother.
Cora: Please stop hitting people over the head with giant lollipops, even if they deserve it. Derek is fine, but a hit like that would send most people to the hospital.
Erica: Please stop pulling Boyd into your schemes. One of these days, you're going to get into something that Stiles can't get you out of. Boyd's grandmother is a well-respected member of this community and I will not stop her if she comes after you.
Ethan & Aiden: Thanks for your help clearing out all of that spaghetti. I knew that werewolves ate a lot, but the appetite on your superwolf is jaw-droppingly impressive.
Kira: Welcome to Beacon Hills! I promise that we don't usually look like a live action Candy Land, but for the moment, I might suggest carrying around two umbrellas: one to protect your head, and one to catch food. The cheeseburgers on Monday were particularly good, and I heard a rumor that there will be pizza tomorrow.
Peter: Thank you for collecting all of that food for me over the past week. I want you to know that I know that it's a bribe, but I'm still going to eat every last bit of it. I also want you to know that if you hurt my son I'll shoot out your kneecaps.
Scott: That was good of you and Stiles to take that candy to the kids at the hospital; but don't take quite so much next time. Your mom tells me that a couple of those kids consumed so much sugar that they're still awake days later.
Stiles: There is no such thing as an Oompa Loompa. Stop painting the neighborhood kids orange. I don't care if they like it and the paint is non-toxic.
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CELINE DION, AND OTHER UNEXPECTED WEAPONS
Attention All: In the interest of full disclosure, it is highly likely that Stiles and I will be receiving guests in the next few weeks. These guests are not human. If you ask Queen Titania of the Summer Court, we are direct descendants of a long-lost brother who vanished centuries ago; if you ask Queen Mab of the Winter Court, one of our distant relatives saved one of her relatives at some point. They both might be lying, or they might not; we'll probably never know. Either way, they are coming. Prepare yourselves.
Jordan: Have you noticed anything strange with weapons recently? A guy pulled a switchblade on me two days ago, and it turned into a spider and bit him, and yesterday, I'm pretty sure my pistol was humming the theme to Gunsmoke on the way home.
Allison: Since when have your arrows burst into song when you shot them? On one hand, it's not at all stealthy. On the other, having your weaponry sing "My Heart Will Go On" will probably distract people long enough to make the initial lack of surprise worth it.
Derek: Will you please ask your mother if there is some sort of spell that we should be worried about? I'd ask your sister, but she's busy doing something with Erica that I'm trying to ignore.
Erica: I assume the taser was something someone gave you before you became a werewolf; there is no reason to repeatedly test it out just to see what kind of "new powers" it has.
Isaac & Jackson: I'm glad you two enjoyed your trip to Europe, but I'd like to remind you that fish are not weapons. Stop slapping people with fish.
Kira: Your katana turned lightsaber is very cool. Please don't let any of our resident nerds see it, though, or we'll have a revolution on our hands.
Lydia: Your voice is already a weapon. Please don't scream for any reason until we get this figured out.
Peter: You're supposed to be the expert on everything supernatural around here, or so you assure my son. What is going on?
Scott: I thought I saw your bike and Stiles's jeep driving around together in the Preserve last night--without you and Stiles. Please tell me I was hallucinating. Better yet, let's just assume I was hallucinating and move on.
Stiles: I'm amazed that any of your cousins have phones, let alone that you managed to teach one how to text. I'm also faintly terrified by the implications. Please don't give any of them my number.
Tara: My relatives are visiting soon; I thought you should know. I'd say I'm sorry that you don't have any vacation time saved up, but we both know I'd be lying.
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NOT THAT KIND OF PARADE
Attention All: There are new people in town. Yes, they are fairies. No, you may not bite or claw them. If you ignore them, then they will probably ignore you...and if any of them offer you candy, do not take it. I don't care what kind of candy it is.
Allison: The Summer Court has some archers; it's in your best interest to not accept any sort of competition with them. I don't want to have to tell your dad you've been abducted by fairies.
Erica: When you see something vaguely resembling a parade of mass-like creatures coming down the street, your first response should not be to grab a tambourine and try to join in. Once you're in, it's forever.
Ethan & Aiden: I know that it's frustrating, but showing them your teeth and claws will not help. Most of them have bigger teeth and bigger claws than you, and some of them will take it as an invitation to eat you.
Isaac: The inside out clothes thing hasn't worked for a few hundred years now. It will make them laugh, which may or may not be a good thing.
Jackson: There's a member of Winter Court that I'd like to talk with you about the kanima situation. If you're interested, I'll arrange a meeting here at the house; don't worry, either Stiles or I will be with you the whole time.
Kira: Stiles tells me that you thought you saw Nurarihyon the other day. Let me know ASAP if you see him again; the last thing we need is both the slaugh and yokai running amok, and you wouldn't believe the amount of alcohol consumed the last time Mab and Nurarihyon got together--I'm pretty sure the entire court got drunk-by-proximity and my liver has never been the same.
Lydia: You are one of the strongest people I know, but right now is a good time to take that tropical vacation you've been talking about for the last few months. Peter will let you know when it's safe to come home.
Peter: This is one time where it's better for your sister to actually stay out of things. Tell her to stop poking at the Queens; they will poke back. Also, if anyone tries to interrogate you about your relationship with Stiles, I suggest you run.
Scott: Please stop playing knucklebones with the courtiers where the others can see you. Just because nobody's going to drag you off doesn't mean that the rest of the pack isn't fair game.
Stiles: Please stop taking candy from your cousins. You're setting a bad example, and I'll never hear the end of it if one of the wolves joins the Hunt. It's bad enough that the Shadow Court had Jackson for a few weeks; now everybody thinks they need a pet werewolf.
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MOVIE MORATORIUM
Attention All: Pack movie nights are hereby cancelled until further notice. I don't need to tell you why. You know why.
Boyd: While you do make a very convincing Marc Antony, please keep your roleplay to the privacy of your home. Next time, I'll make you go to the hospital with Mrs. Anderson to have her pacemaker checked.
Cora: A little bird told me that you have been keeping photographic proof of the pack's exploits. I ask only that you keep them off social media, and that you send me copies.
Derek: I just want you to know that I don't blame you. You thought that the museum movie would be a good, safe choice. Unfortunately, you were wrong.
Erica: Stop playing with those snakes. You are not Cleopatra. I don't care that you're a werewolf and they can't kill you. Take them back to the pet store right now.
Kira: I'm not sure how you managed to get on top of that rhinoceros, let alone direct it like that, but I must say that we were all extremely impressed. Peter and I still can't figure out how you got them all back to where they belonged, either. Are you secretly a ninja, or just an animal whisperer?
Peter: You, too? Get out of that Henry VIII costume right now! You do remember how it turned out for him, don't you?
Scott: Napoleon, really? You know Peter's always been a little bit sensitive about his alphahood. Please stop trying to declare my house your territory. I do like the hat, though.
Stiles: I take small comfort in the fact that you are the only one in the pack not acting like a crazy person right now; although I agree that dressing up like any of Henry's wives is a tricky proposition. On the other hand, you know that things have gone horribly wrong when my kid is the lone voice of reason in any given situation.
Talia: This is your notice. For the next year, your pack will be dealing with any and all supernatural problems. I am seriously considering drugging the kids and locking them all in Argent's basement for the duration. Either that, or we're all moving to Bermuda. Peter's coming with us; you'll have to check with Cora and Derek about their plans.
Tara & Jordan: Knowing fairy queens has it's perks--evidently, I own not one, but two castles. Sure, they probably exist outside of space and time, but I'll take it at this point. We're going on vacation.