Chapter Text
12.
Desmond's hands were on his shoulders now. "Alex, what's going on?" He asked slowly.
The ringing in Alex's ears stopped and he blinked. "Nothing." He replied as calmly as he could manage. "I got confused."
He was freaking the fuck out but Desmond didn't need to know that he'd basically hallucinated an entire year of his life in this one room. All he had was Desmond; he couldn't lose him now.
Now Jack was gone.
"You were out for like five minutes just staring at the wall, it's not nothing." Desmond said.
"I just forgot he moved out, that's it." Alex said and realised his hands were shaking. There wasn't anything he could say that would make any sense because he was pretty sure any chance of him trying to form a sentence would come out as nothing more than a stuttering mess, so instead he shrugged at Desmond, hoping that would be enough of an answer.
"There's something you're not telling me." Desmond replied, still giving Alex that expectant look.
Yeah, I'm going batshit crazy.
"I'm just tired." Alex shrugged again.
"You're lying to me." Desmond said.
"I'm not." Alex subconsciously crossed his arms, suddenly wincing at the contact. He needed to call Maria; his arm was beginning to get beyond the point of a dull ache now, it was painful and he couldn't focus on much else. His irritability was coming to the surface and it was getting more and more difficult to hide it.
Desmond reached out to touch him and he recoiled, images of Jack's hands coming down on him and causing him the very pain he was trying to hide flashed through his mind.
"Please, just leave." Alex said, his breathing was becoming shallow and he needed Desmond to get the fuck out of there so he could have his panic attack in peace.
"I'm not leaving you alone like this." Desmond replied.
Alex cursed under his breath, mostly at himself as his lungs struggled under the weight on his chest. Alex gasped for air but his lungs couldn't take in enough, leaving him feeling starved of oxygen. He gripped his chest, pain shooting through it and his heart was beating so fast - too fast.
"What's wrong?" Desmond asked. He sounded worried but Alex wasn't looking at his face, instead he was staring at the floor trying not to completely lose his shit.
"I can't breathe." He gasped.
Hands were on his shoulders and Desmond was trying to get him to look him in the eyes but he couldn't - he couldn't stop focusing on how the ground was spinning and his chest felt so tight. "Alex, look at me."
Alex didn't - couldn't - and Desmond ducked down to reach his eye level, his golden orbs full of concern as they met Alex's. "You're fine; I promise, you're fine." He said slowly, not looking away from Alex. "Breathe with me." He placed his hand over Alex's on his chest and pressed down gently, his other hand wrapping around him and rubbing soothing circles on his back. Alex focused solely on Desmond, watching him inhale and exhale, feeling his hand resting gently on his back.
Eventually he calmed down, his chest no longer feeling tight and he shut his eyes, the embarrassment hitting him all at once. He took a final deep breath and looked up at the ceiling, really questioning whether anything he'd experienced recently was even real. The memories between him and Jack still felt very real and he began to doubt himself, wondering if he was really losing it and hallucinating about hallucinating.
What the fuck is happening to me?
"I'm saying this because I care about you," Desmond said quietly. "You need to talk to someone."
The cogs in Alex's mind were still struggling to turn properly as he tried to comprehend Desmond's words. Maybe he did need help. Being locked away like his mom didn't seem like that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things, considering he didn't even know where his mind was at this moment in time. He didn't feel anything, didn't think anything, he just existed until Desmond was suddenly gone from his sight and he blinked, turning to see him letting Maria into his dorm. He thought Desmond had called her until she spoke.
"Sorry, I left my book here." Maria smiled and ducked into the room.
"What-" Desmond started but paused, looking between Alex and Maria. She glanced at his arms, only for a second as she passed him, but it was enough for Desmond to notice; his face changed and he looked to Alex with a questioning gaze while Maria picked her book up from his desk, unaware of the silent interrogation from Desmond.
"She helped me." Alex said.
Maria turned to him, surprised, but before she could speak, Desmond frowned. "Wait, you knew ?" He asked Maria. "You knew about that and you didn't say anything?"
"I begged her not to say anything." Alex replied, seeing Maria struggle to answer. "She found me."
"You need help, not fucking enabling!" Desmond argued and pointed to Maria.
"She's helping me a fuck tonne more than you are." Alex bit back.
"What, because she believes your fucking crazy stories?" Desmond snapped. His words smacked Alex like a brick, bringing his rage to the surface.
"Boys, please." Maria stepped in between them.
"You can't blame this on someone else anymore, Alex." Desmond said. "Face the truth."
Alex stared at Desmond long and hard, all possible actions flashing through his mind. He wanted to scream, lash out, anything because Desmond was right and fuck, it was hard to handle that solid truth staring him in the face.
"Maybe I did do this to myself." Alex shouted and began to rip at the bandages on his arms. "Maybe I reached the lowest fucking point in my life and decided to do something about it."
Maria grabbed at his hands and he tried his best to fight them away before Desmond's hands were there and the feeling of being touched was too overwhelming. He broke down, finally letting himself feel anything other than burning rage. Desmond's hands were on his arms, his firm touch turning gentle and soft.
"It's okay." He whispered softly.
"I thought it was him." Alex murmured and covered his face with his hands, attempting to hold back from letting everything spill over. "I swear, I thought it was him."
"Who?" Desmond asked, concern on his face.
Alex shook his head, unable to even bring Jack's name to his lips. He wasn't ready to admit he was this fucked up imaginary friend that Alex had genuinely thought was real. He was still very real in the memories, however dim they were at the edges, Jack's touch was real.
***
This was it.
The lowest point. Rock bottom. He mentally couldn't sink any further into his mind after Desmond had wrapped his arms around him and he had cried, like the pathetic mess of a human he was. He craved that contact; the gentle touch of comfort and it got him while he was weak. All control was lost when Alex returned the embrace, burying his head in Desmond's shoulder and letting everything spill over. Maria was there suddenly, her hand resting gently on his back as she murmured soft words that he couldn't comprehend, his mind refusing to understand any words that were spoken to him.
The reality of the situation dawned on him in those moments. He had truly been alone for so long. He'd convinced himself that nobody really cared about him, that the world was terrifying and people were only out for blood. He hid himself away, buried his emotions and past and tried to run from everything for too long. The truth was wrapped around him, comforting him; they cared.
But as soon as the good thoughts ran through his mind, a small knocking was hammering away in his head. The sound of a familiar voice was telling him that this wasn't what it seemed and that he was wrong about everything. He refused to listen, only focusing on the thought of people actually giving a shit about him, but over and over there was a whisper.
Those people.
They think you're a liar.
Push them away.
You're better off alone.
His hands tightened on the back of Desmond's jacket, desperately trying to distract himself from the toxic voice in his head.
"Take all the time you need." Maria whispered.
Take all the time you need. The voice echoed in his head and he pulled away, snatching himself from Desmond's grip and turned to look around the room. The voice was so close but there was nobody else there.
Alex.
Alex.
"Alex." Desmond said and placed a hand on his shoulder, stunning him out of his thoughts. Was the other voice Desmond? He blinked and turned to Desmond to see concern spread over his and Maria's faces.
"I… I'm fine." He lied but tried to convince himself regardless. "I think I need to be alone."
"Are you for real?" Desmond asked in surprise and then paused, looking to calm himself before speaking again. "I think that's the worst thing for you right now."
"You're shaking, Alex." Maria said calmly and took his wrist in her hands. "The best thing for you right now is for me to look at your arm."
Alex's eyes travelled to the dishevelled bandages on his arms, torn and loose from where he'd freaked out earlier. The deep, dark red wounds were prominent through the white of what intact dressings remained. He nodded hesitantly, unable to look away from the wounds. They were suddenly mesmerising to him, as if he'd never seen them before but he had - fuck, he'd done them to himself.
Maria sat him down and began looking over his wounds, her gentle hands smoothing over the irritated skin so softly that he had to second guess if she'd even touched him at all. Desmond sucked in a breath at the sight of the cuts and turned away, obviously not having the stomach to deal with this. Alex wondered why he hadn't just left; he didn't need this shit. Both Maria and Desmond should have just walked away and left Alex to bleed out.
He frowned at the intrusive thought. Suicidal ideation - just like his mom.
You're losing it, Alex.
"Fuck, I know." He said subconsciously before realising nobody had spoken.
"What do you mean you're losing it?" Desmond asked.
Alex frowned, confused. Was he talking to himself?
The reality of the situation had finally come to light when Desmond and Maria exchanged a glance; he was losing it. He was just like his mom and he needed help. He hated to admit it to himself but he was scared. He was scared at the thought of losing control, scared of forgetting who everyone around him was and mostly, he was scared of becoming his mom.
"I think, uh, I think I'm fucking crazy." Alex admitted.
Maria stroked her thumb over the new bandage on his arm. "There's only so much we can do to help you, Alex." She said quietly.
"This isn't something you can shrug off." Desmond said and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Please, Alex."
A part of him, the toxic, self-destructive side, wanted to push them out and lie to them again. He was fine, he'd lived like this for so long, he could do it again. But the look that Desmond had given him said more than any voice in his head could say. He needed this; he needed help. He couldn't do this to himself again and he couldn't do this to his friends. He couldn't do this to Desmond.
Alex hesitantly nodded and immediately felt like he'd made the wrong choice. Fear crept up on him at the thought of his life being over once he admitted there was something wrong. He'd lived in this shell for years, struggling through each day with the one thought that he was better off alone.
What a waste of life. He thought.