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She had spent many years falling in and out of love. One could say her entire life was devoted to the intoxicating feeling of the soaring heights and the swooping dive. And if she was honest with herself, which wasn’t hard, she was delighted with every single ache that came with it. She adored carrying every heart she stole in her chest until the blood of this new one and only covered her hands and her lips parted in the softest of smiles as she held them close. She would shower them in flower petals, catching the buds between her teeth even as she made sure to catch every liter of their blood as it spilled out of them. She wanted to be able to see their faces and perfect bodies whenever she wanted.
They would be hers forever. She would never have to share them with anyone. Never, ever again. Forever and ever they would be hers, only hers.
And that was how Himiko dealt with the garden in her chest. It was a relief every time to feel the release as the roots and vines unrooted themselves from the home they had made in her lungs and she hacked her heart out onto their bodies growing cold. To know that they would know that she had loved them, even after they had rejected her, even after they had shoved her away, she still loved them. Her beautiful flowers would be their bouquets when their bodies were found.
It was a special connection they would always have and that made her so happy.
Her favorite game was trying to guess what flower the petals belonged to before she got a full flower clogging her mouth. It was satisfying to learn what she could about her darling loves before they even told her anything about themselves. But they always talked about themselves when she caught them, begging and crying for her to understand. They had lives, and families, and dreams -- as if she didn’t know that already! They never seemed to understand that she knew them better than anyone else would.
Himiko giggled as she twirled the pretty pink carnation in her hand. A deep magenta with all of its petals ruffled like a beautiful dress. The spots of dark red blood just accented the beauty. This was the fastest she had ever had a full blossom appear from the heaving, hacking coughs that choked her until she had tears in her eyes. But love was suffering, love was pain. And this flower was so perfect for her new darling.
Her Ochako-chan.
Ochako bent over the sink in her bedroom’s bathroom, hacking what felt to be her entire lungs out as the clock ticked closer and closer to midnight. She felt tears building in her eyes, burning as she gasped for air around whatever was clumping in her throat. She had once choked on a mouthful of rice because she was laughing at her dad’s jokes. This was ten times worse. She finally felt something give, a tension snap and she gagged as something came showering out of her mouth. She spat out a few more of the items, feeling her chest loosen at long last. Six minutes of coughing and heaving for-- For what?
She stared at the wet, congealed clump of-- Were those flower petals? She felt her head spin as she stared at the petals. White, red, orange. Long and slender and delicate looking. How they gathered around the drain, her bile coating them and making them shine with a dark sheen that left her stomach rolling. What-- What was that? Why had that come out of her?
Where had they come from?
Leaning heavily on the sink, her hands shook as she grabbed the knobs of the faucet and quickly turned it on full blast. Ochako watched as the petals began swirling around the drain and she quietly prayed that they would wash away. But they seemed to get stuck, clogging up the drain instead of disappearing and taking all her worry and confusion away. Turning off the water she stepped backwards quickly and then closed the bathroom door.
If she went to sleep then maybe it would be gone in the morning. Maybe she was dreaming now, maybe it was a nightmare. It had to be a nightmare.
Sitting on her bed she brought her knees up to her chest and slid her lightweight sleeping gloves on. She stared at the worn holes in the palms. She would have to get a new pair soon if she didn't want to send her new bed sailing through the air. She felt the tightness in her throat and rasped out another cough. She choked back the thin lines of what she now knew to be petals clinging to the inside of her throat.
The gloves would have to wait. She might have to go to a doctor. And that meant redoing her budget all over again. The thought made tears well up in her eyes, frustration bleeding through as she lowered her forehead to her knees. Maybe she would be lucky though. Maybe this was something that Recovery Girl could fix before it got any worse and she wouldn't have to pay for a doctor. But she also knew it was important to plan for the worst outcome or she'd find herself in the hole before she knew it.
Wiping the tears away she fell back on her bed, staring at the ceiling and sighing. It wasn't hard to breathe, it was just annoying. The constant tickle at the back of her throat reminding her that something wasn't right. The slight tug as she breathed in, as though her lungs expanding was pulling apart… something.
"It's a bad dream. Or a temporary quirk." She whispered to herself, resting a hand on her chest and closing her eyes. Just breathe, just breathe nice and slow. And tomorrow things would be better.
The morning sunlight woke with Himiko bent over the sink in the bathroom of the convenience store just down the block. With her hair down and long around her face the blonde locks were getting covered in the red splatter as she coughed up another carnation. Her flowers always came in fast but never like this. Not ever so full, filling her throat and clogging her airway.
It was gloriously new and brimming with the suffering of passion. It was exciting in a way that made her chest ache something violent.
Ignoring the repeated tapping in the door, the careful questions from Twice probing to see if he needed to grab her 'lady products’, she reached into her mouth with long, talented fingers. Moving with a practiced ease she worked until she found the base of the flower and plucked it. She stared at it with a hint of distaste now. She had never had flowers blossom so frequently. Usually once they began to be full blossoms she would have six days in between as they grew and formed.
Had she fallen harder this time? For the imagery of her soft brown eyes, shining hard in fury as she attacked her. It had been so cute, so beautiful. Or maybe Ochako-chan loved her back. Maybe right now she was choking on flowers of her own. She wondered what petals were filling Ochako's beautiful lungs. What colors would be splattered with her bright red blood?
Or was she breathing fresh and clean air like nothing had changed for her? Had she not felt the same connection? The thought filled Toga with pain, a sharp stab of angry stems reaching out and wrapping around her lungs at the very idea. No, no, Ochako-chan had to be different! Had to be in love with her too.
And if she wasn't… well, Toga would make her love her. Beg her for a kiss as she choked on her own blood.
Turning sharply away from the unfamiliar, desperate gold eyes confronting her in the mirror, she skipped across the restroom's floor. "I'm fine." She responded, pushing open the door and catching Twice off guard. The pink carnation was tucked behind her ear and she smiled up at him with her sharp teeth. "Let's continue back. Tomura-kun's going to be so upset that we were late!" She clapped her hands together as she skipped forward to the door. She wiggled her fingers in farewell to the man standing at the counter, staring at her.
Walking back up the sidewalk, she glanced over her shoulder at Twice. He looked so strange with his blond hair peeking out from under the headband she had lent him. But he also looked super cute with the hello kitty fabric wrapped around his head. "What? You keep staring." She didn't spit the words but her eyes narrowed as she stared at him.
He scratched the side of his neck, eyes darting up to the flower and she smiled again. So he had noticed. That was good. Everyone should know of her love for her darling. "Is that blood?"
Himiko's face fell and she scowled as she turned and stepped on every crack in the sidewalk that they traveled on. Really? That was what he noticed? The little specks of blood on the soft and delicate petals? Not the pretty pink color? Not the beautiful pattern? Not how the flowers screamed of a lovely woman, of pride and fascination? She valued him as a friend, he was funny and clever and a real sweetheart, but his concept of love was so ridiculous. He just didn’t seem to get how love was painful and a mess and glorious in its existence.
“Of course it’s blood.” She spat out, turning to face forward again. “It came out of my lungs.”
She heard him make a choked off sound and she was tempted to look back over her shoulder but she didn’t. She kept walking forward towards their hideout, her arms crossing tight across her chest, annoyance radiating off of her. Their journey was quiet for a moment before he spoke again. "Like… Like Hanahaki disease?" Her head lolled back as she rolled her eyes so hard she swore she could see the back of her head. "That's super serious, it's not shit." His two voices came again and she stopped in front of the entrance to their hideout, her hand on the doorknob.
"It's really not. I've had it like a hundred times." She said, her hair forming a sheer barrier between her and him, hiding his expression from her. "Just keep it to yourself yeah? Or I'll stab you."
He mimicked zipping his lips shut and then she pushed the door open. She really hoped he kept his promise. She didn't want the rest of the league breathing down her neck. She just wanted to see Ochako-chan again and see if the cute girl would bleed just as pretty the second time as she tore the roots the girl had planted out of her lungs.
When Ochako woke up, everything felt better. She could breathe in deeply, her lungs expanding with only a twinge of pain. And that was surely from the coughing fits she had suffered all the night before. Tension she had not realized she was holding in her shoulders fell away and she simply breathed for a bit, enjoying the feeling of sunlight traveling across her skin as the sun rose through her window. The gentle warmth made her smile, relieved as another clear breath passed through her nose and into her lungs, her eyes remaining close as she took stock of every inch of her body.
A little sore, a little tight, but not harmed. Nothing like last night.
It had to have been some odd, temporary effect of another person’s quirk. She would still report it to Aizawa of course, see what he recommended she do, but if someone else was affected by this, then someone in charge needed to know she had been too. It could be a transferable quirk, or the work of some ineffective villain or a prankster with poor taste.
Finally she opened her eyes, rolling over to look at her clock and she froze. Her eyes didn’t look at the red digital numbers on her clock. The time had nothing to do with the cold dread that settled like a blanket across her shoulders.
It was the dirt that had dried on her pillow, right where he mouth had been the night before. If she looked closely she could see the thin petals of red, orange, and white, looking like dried worms in the dirt stain. She lifted a hand to her mouth and ran her holed glove against her lips. As she pulled it away she couldn’t say she was shocked to see the same crusted dirt now on her glove, having been dislodged from her mouth.
Her lack of surprise didn’t stop her from stumbling downstairs into the common room in a daze. Her gloves still on, she wandered into the kitchenette, her eyes unfocused as she moved to the sink to rinse out her mouth. The water felt weird on her gloves, seeping through the thin material and running over her skin showing through the holes. Still she raised it to her mouth, swishing the water around and spitting it out. Again and again the water came out brown as she spat it into the sink, and every clump of dirt, gritty and disgusting, left her hand shaking more and more. Until she couldn’t keep any water in her hands, leaving her to watch it spill over her trembling fingers.
“Uraraka?” A soft voice had her head snapping up, jerked out of the trance the swirling, dirty water had left her in. She noticed then a soft hand light on her back, rubbing slow circles. Turning her head, she saw Momo standing just behind her, the rest of the early morning study group sitting in the common area, their concerned eyes on her. “Ururaka, what’s wrong?”
Swallowing thickly, feeling the sensation of mud coating her throat that she had thought gone while full of bliss this morning, she shook her head. Licking her lips she could taste the dirt, bitter and holding a hint of copper. “Can you get Aizawa?” She whispered. “I really need him. I think something’s really, really wrong.” Her hands fell back on the sink, the usual unease of others seeing just how poor the state of her personal items was eclipsed by the fright she felt building in her chest.
What was wrong with her?
It’s a hazy scene, Yaomomo leading her to the couch, her calm voice dictating that Sero go fetch Aizawa. Her hands are soft, delicate on Ochako’s back as she continues to offer what comfort she can. She doesn’t press, and even if she had, Ochako would have no answers for her. The holey gloves look so poor and ugly next to the pretty silk of Yaomomo’s skirt and she feels like she’s going to be sick again. It’s so embarrassing and she hates it. Hates how her classmates crowd around her, how quietly the taller girl keeps them away, giving her space to breathe.
Every breath is harder and harder to take.
She blinks and Aizawa-sensei is kneeling in front of her. His eyes aren’t concerned, but she can see how his lips pull down in a slight frown. It’s the same look he gave them after the raid to recover Eri. It’s the look of a man who knows he has to tell them something or they will fall apart and break. He puts a hand on her elbow, helping her stand on her uncertain legs and she chokes back a cough. It would be embarrassing to spit up a mess of flowers on his cat pajamas.
Sero must have woken him up. They’re making such a huge fuss over her and she feels her cheeks turning red, tears forming in the corners of her eyes because she can fee them staring at her. She must look such the fool.
“We’re going to Recovery Girl. Come on Uravity.” He says gruffly and she can only follow silently, head tilted down and away as her teeth feel those slimy wet petals slide against them.
The trip to the nurse’s office is quick, the diagnoses even quicker. As soon as she mentions coughing up petals the two adults exchange looks and Recovery Girl clicks her tongue. “Such a shame.” She murmurs, turning back to her desk. Maybe she thinks Ochako can’t hear her, but she can. She can and her ears burn bright red in shame and she doesn’t even know why yet she should be feeling so ashamed. “It’s always so sad when a young girl loses sight of her dreams because of her heart.”
Aizawa is looking at her with eyes hard enough to cut glass. As though he is weighing her, judging her, and not sure of what he sees. Her fingers curl into her pajama pants and she hears the fabric of her glove on the right hand tear a little more and she fights back the tears.
She’s not weak. She’s not. She’s just confused and scared and she doesn’t understand why they won’t just tell her what is happening to her.
Recovery Girl hands her a pamphlet and sends her on her way. She gives Ochako permission to go home and visit her parents that day. To tell them what has happened. To decide what to do next. Ochako doesn't. She takes the pamphlet and a bus and reads it on the way to the middle of nowhere Musutafu. She finds a little hole in the wall gym with few exercise equipment, a couple of punching bags and only two other patrons.
They don’t look at her. They hardly seem to notice her. It’s just what she’s looking for. A place where no one’s eyes are on her, where no whispers follow her.
She stretched, arms above her head, then in front, then behind. Repetitive motions that had been drilled into her skull time and time again. So familiar that they could not drown out that thought that cycled through her head endlessly.
What was wrong with her?
She curled and uncurled her fingers, lifted her legs one at a time and felt the pull of her muscled. Stretch your body so it's prepared for anything. But how could it be prepared for something like this.
Hanahaki.
It sounded like something from the shoujo mangas she had read in the bookstores while waiting for her parents to finish their supply runs. The books she had always wanted to take home so she could hold them close and dream of her own love. Her own story being something as sweet and powerful. But this, this was so much worse.
This was something that could destroy her new dreams. That could put her life on hold indefinitely. This could, would, already had, changed everything. She could tell just in the way the adults had looked at her. Aizawa even, who said nothing different, carried about him an air of resignation. As though he had already figured out what she was going to do and was sad to see a hopeful hero fade away before they even had a chance to shine.
All because of this new, stupid sickness.
Hanahaki.
The flowering disease. The growth of unrequited love inside of the chest, inside the lungs. A wildflower garden climbing and choking the lungs until every action was painful. It wouldn’t kill you, it would just haunt you your entire life. It would make breathing a chore rather than a natural occurrence of life. It would steal everything from you until you were only the pain and misery of love gone unrequited.
It would mean the death of all her dreams. Her desire to become a hero. Her goal to take care of her parents, to pay them back for everything they had done for her. All of it stolen by a handful of petals and the rotten taste of mud.
She lashed out against one of the punching bags, her fists connecting again and again. It was satisfying to feel the give under her knuckles, to watch the bag swing back and forth as she landed hit after hit. The numbness that flowed into her body, the way everything gave way to the muscle memory. It was a relief like none other and she was thankful all over again for her work study with Gunhead, how he had taught her the proper posture, how it had built up her stamina.
It couldn’t quell the bitter thoughts in her mind.
She thought she had put all this behind her after the final exams. She had packed up all her distracting little feelings in a box and shipped them far away from her mind. There were more important things than love and affection for Midoriya. They were working to become heroes dammit! Why couldn’t her body let her focus on that instead of taking the little box she had made in her head into a fertile little plot to plant seeds in. How dare her body and heart and soul betray her and force her to grow lilies of all sorts inside of her lungs.
She grit her teeth as she threw another punch at the bag and watched it swing back. Well, she would just have to bite the bullet and uproot the flowers by going to the source.
It wasn’t all doom and gloom and sweet blood for Himiko. She needed to get out of that stupid little warehouse just as much as anyone else. She needed sunlight, not moonlight on her skin. That and going out on the weekends always gave her the best chance to see all her new friends. Their darling smiles, their eager faces, all on display when they went free on the weekends. It gave her the perfect chance to learn how best to make them like her as much as she liked them. Sooner, rather than later, she was sure they would come to their senses and see just how easily society could turn on them. That heroes could turn on them. Just one slip up, one misstep-- That was all that was needed.
So the idea of seeing them on the weekend, being there when that light switch flicked? It was almost as intoxicating as falling in love.
It wasn’t easy knowing where her friends were going to be, but she knew some core components. Tsuyu went home every weekend to her parents, and then spent most of her time at the house. Deku-kun went to visit his mother, went to visit Todoroki’s mother, or stayed at the dorms to train. And Ochako-chan… She spent most of her weekends at the dorms, as though she was avoiding going out. Sometimes she went to the gym, but she never went anywhere crowded like a mall, or a restaurant.
She must be like Himiko herself. She must not have the money to go out and do things, but she still had that silly little voice in her head telling her that stealing things was bad, unlike Himiko herself.
And that just made things easier for Himiko, because she knew just where to go looking for her when she did leave the dorms.
Pulling her sunglasses down her face to scan the green fields, Himiko sipped at her boba, enjoying the sun on her legs as she stretched back on the jacket she had laid on the grass. She wondered if Dabi would notice a few grass stains among the dried blood on the dark fabric if she ground it into the dirt. But no, he had been kind enough to not ask her where she was going, so no reason to ruin his stupid jacket that he didn’t even know she had. This was the park Ochako-chan liked to frequent when she wanted to get away from everything on the weekends. Surely, surely if the flowers were growing in her lungs, smothering her pretty little mouth, then she would come here.
And there she was.
Her cute Ochako was wandering around in a sundress that complimented Himiko’s own. It made her want to croon at how lovely she looked, what a perfect pair they made. But she wasn’t alone. Her hand was firmly laced with Deku-kun’s. A frown pulled at Himiko’s lips at that. Usually Ochako didn’t bring anyone with her when she came here. What had made her bring the cute little hero wannabe along? She stood, gathering the jacket as she watched Ochako all but drag the confused boy across the grass and towards a grove of trees. Oh dear, no, that wasn’t allowed. She couldn’t allow the two to be alone. Who knew what they would do to each other left all alone? She liked them both, but Ochako was hers and she wouldn’t allow anyone, not even a cutie like Deku, to touch what was hers.
Skipping across the field, she drew near to the grove of trees, eyes cutting through the shadows and the dappled sunlight, looking for a path. She couldn’t see either of them but she could hear their feet cracking branches as they pushed through the grove. Smiling and shaking her head at their silliness, she stepped into the trees and followed them, silent as only someone as experienced as she could be. They didn’t go nearly far enough into the woods for a clandestine meeting, but she’s not about to complain. The branches were only so soft under her calloused feet. Pressing her back against one of the trees she prepared for what she’s sure will be a juicy and informative conversation, if not for her than for the league at least.
Ochako started the conversation. Of course she did, it just seemed natural. She was the one that had brought them all here, even if she didn’t know that there was an audience to this little show. “You know… what’s going on with me.” She gestured at her chest. Or, Himiko supposed she did. It was a close thing, but she could just see them both through the trees she hid behind.
“I know a little bit of it but… Aizawa-sensei didn’t explain it too well and everyone else in class was really confused about it too. No one really said the same thing.” Deku answered, his voice soft as he supposedly looked at her with those earnest green eyes. “Are you okay though? Some of the girls were saying you might-”
“No, no. I’m not going to die.” Her hands came up, waving frantically in front of her. “I just can’t…. Breath right.” And oh how Himiko’s heart jumped at those words. She felt her own flowers in her chest, growing full and filling her lungs with the most pleasant fragrance. She lay her hands over her chest, pressing into her ribs to silence the burning love. “It’s something called hanahaki and… Well, if I let the flowers keep growing I’ll never be able to be a hero. And I just can’t let that happen.” She laughed nervously and seemed to wait for his nod before continuing. “Well, there’s only one real cause for this and --I think it’s because I lo-”
Ochako choked on the words. It was a beautiful hacking sound as the words died on her tongue and the petals filled her mouth preventing her from speaking the words. Himiko could not deny herself the chance to see what pretty flower bloomed in her lovely Ochako. What pretty flower had to be growing for her. Oh she wanted to hear her say those words, even if they weren’t to her face. Ochako coughed hard, wincing as Deku hit her back. She waited until the flowers cleared away, spitting out the petals with annoyance. Beautiful thin things. Paper thin and such a pretty white. How pure. Pure true love, that’s what those meant Himiko was sure.
“I lov-” Again it happened. Himiko couldn’t help her grin as this time it seemed to tickle Ochako’s throat and her cheeks bulged out. And this time the flower petals would not come out. Oh Himiko could remember her first full flower too. How it had closed off all of her air until she could not breath anything but the fragrant scent of lilacs. How she had clawed at her throat and left her skin bloody as her nails turned out and grabbed the boy who had called her pretty and she clawed into his throat until he was split open and she plucked the honeysuckles out of his chest. How the soft purple flowers had covered his body, dripping with blood as she made herself the most beautiful bouquet.
She could see that familiar panic build in Ochako’s eyes as she choked on the flowers until in desperation she stuck her hand in her mouth and yanked. It was beautiful to watch her pull a fully formed orange lily blossom from between her teeth. And how surprising was that, because Himiko could have swore that just a moment ago the petals had been the white of lilies that spoke of purity in love. But now the brunette held a blossom that spoke of hatred and revenge.
The smile that split Himiko’s face was such a sharp contrast to the horror she saw building on Ochako’s face as she stared at Midoriya. Oh she wondered how Deku looked. Horrified? Stunned and slightly worried? Enamored? Or perhaps he was useless, clueless as Ochako stood there, shivering violently. “Why isn’t this working? Why can’t I say it?” Her hands closed into tight fists, “Unless -”
“Ochako-”
“Unless-”
“Ochako please-”
“I don’t think it’s you who I love-”
Silence hung behind them as Himiko pushed herself back to again hide behind the tree. Waiting, listening for what the two young heroes would do.
“Well that’s a relief. Not- Not that I don’t like you Ururaka, you’re a great friend! But I don’t… I couldn’t love you back like that.”
She heard Ochako sigh, as though a tightness in her chest relaxed. “Well, okay. Then it’s not you, that explains why I kept choking when trying to tell you.” Himiko couldn’t help but bite her tongue hard at the thought that her silly little darling didn’t know who caused all the flowers to bloom in their multitudes.
But Himiko knew. Of course she did. It wasn’t Deku-kun that Ochako loved.
Pressing her back against the tree behind her, Himiko pushed her face into the folds of Dabi’s coat to contain the urge she felt to scream with delight. Her cheeks were flushed as she pulled the clothing away to gaze at her darling again, taking in the beautiful image of Ochako peeling away red and white and orange petals from her lips. She was just as in love as Himiko was. And she was so clueless, thinking it was her classmate who had planted those seeds in her heart. A smile crawled across her face. Someone would have to educate her darling, and that clueless cutie would never be able to answer her questions.
And she knew just the perfect classroom.
It was the most frustrating thing in the world. To have all her possible crushes written out in front of her and not to feel any relief from the flowers that would not stop alerting her to their continued existence. Every breath was fragrant with the smell of lilies. The sweetness of their scent clotted in her nose, making it hard to notice anything else. It brought back memories of the lilies that had grown in the gardens of the people her parents worked for when she was younger. How rich they had been, how their homes had towered over her, how she had wanted to live in a comfortable, beautiful home like that one day. How she had wanted to see her parents walk into a house like that and settle down for dinner, not to do it only to walk out a few minutes later to begin their back breaking work while she helped how she could. How useless she had felt running back and forth, carrying tools but unable to truly help.
It reminded her of how useless she felt now. How useless anger had welled up in her then as people rich enough to feed her family for a year would, without blinking an eye, wave them off with barely the amount of money the supplies had cost.
The smell of the lilies reminded her of hungry nights and her parents portioning parts of their meal to her so she could eat more.
Ochako didn’t like to think about those days. About the years of her parents adjusting, constantly adjusting, for her as she grew up, as he needs changed. She had swore she would do better by them, make up for everything they had sacrificed. But that didn’t mean she wanted to be reminded of those motives every moment of her waking day.
Weren’t these flowers supposed to remind her of her love? Not of the bad memories of being forgotten and left behind? Of the fear of being misunderstood? But that was all they seemed to do. Remind her of how different she was from the rest of the class. How they all had experiences she had never had -- trips, big birthdays, and all the other things money could buy and she had never thought she envied until they were hung in her face like a milestone she had missed.
Ochako huffed as she balled up the paper and threw it across the room, watching with content as it landed neatly in the basket. But that easy shot didn’t solve her problem. She had been to Recovery Girl again that day when she had gotten back from her not date with Midoriya and the woman had told her that the flowers had begun to try and take root. To dig into the flesh of her lungs and tear it up, feast on her own body’s muscle.
To make it harder to become a hero permanently. That’s what it boiled down to. These flowers had become a bomb. She had only a set amount of time before her dreams were crushed, each petal a tick-tock countdown. And then what? What would she do if she could not become a hero? Become a manual laborer like her parents? Become a police woman and deal with all the complications that came with that and the poor pay?
Become a villain?
Hands laying flat on the table, a finger on each hand lifted, Ochako stared at the hard wood in disbelief. Had that thought really just crossed her mind? Nothing, nothing had ever driven her to consider a life of villainy. Nothing!
Except--
Hungry nights where her stomach still growled and she tried to quiet it so guilt didn’t eat her parents alive. Months leading up to the entrance exam when she didn’t know how she would afford to pay the fee. The weeks leading up to the first day of school while they struggled to find a place for her to live, to get uniforms that weren’t too ruined to fix. The hunger that burned in her stomach when she saw her favorite food and couldn’t afford it. And less selfish days when she saw a child crying on the streets, being ignored by everyone. When politicians spat their lies and expected everyone to believe they were working for the good of others.
Less noble reasons like golden eyes framed by golden hair. Sharp teeth beneath parted lips, a smile so sharp and deadly it sent Ochako’s heart racing. Slowly she lifted a hand from the solid wood of the desk to rest above her fluttering chest at the simple thought of the other girl. Of the villain and how she had spoken of friendship. So hungry and desperate for that connection that Ochako had felt a part of herself reaching out even as she and Tsu fought against Toga. Toga Himiko and her attitude that spoke of freedom. How her carelessness and violence gave way to a hunger that ate at her as Ochako’s own body turned in on itself and devoured itself now.
The thought of the other young girl gave her the first breath of fresh air she had had in weeks. No dirt coating her tongue, no flowers choking her throat. And yet her heart felt tight, squeezed tighter and tighter at the contemplations that raced through her hair, that sent her heart flying beneath her chest.
But that couldn’t be possible.
She had only meant Toga the one time. They had been fighting for their lives it had felt like, with her sharp blades sweeping closer and closer with every slashing motion. It had been terrifying.
It had been thrilling. It had filled Ochako with such a sense of achievement. Those golden eyes still flashed in her dreams, coming closer and closer with that devilish look lighting them from within. Enchanting her, entrapping her. And not all those dreams of capture ended up being nightmares.
But no, no, no! Toga was a villain. Toga had hurt her and her friends. Toga couldn’t be the reason for the lilies budding in her chest, trying to prevent her from pursuing the life of a hero.
But if not her…. Then who?
Staring at the blank wall in front of her Ochako felt tears welling up in her eyes, a sob building in her throat at the betrayal her own body had performed. Against her, against her friends, against everything she had thought she believed in without a shadow of a doubt.
And as she breathed in with that sob on her lips, it was the first full lungful she had taken in a long time.
It was simple. It was so simple it was sad. There was no challenge, there was no threat. In fact if it was any other hero Himiko would accuse them of wanting to be caught. But her Ochako was so stubborn, so tied to that perverted light of heroism, that she knew that couldn’t be the case. And she couldn’t let it hurt her feelings that her darling hadn’t recognized her. It wasn’t as though the all black dress was her usual style after all.
“You shouldn’t have gone with the pigtails.” Ochako had growled as she had grabbed Himiko by the hair and pressed her up against the alleyway wall. It wasn’t really what she had expected to happen, having wanted to get the drop on the girl as she walked to the supermarket with the best prices in Musutafu, even if it was a long trip for a hero in training. But Himiko couldn’t find it in her to complain.
In fact she couldn’t stop the giggles that were escaping her lips. It was almost dream-like, the feeling of Ochako’s strong arm forcing her shoulders flush against the wall, the sound of her heavy breathing directly in Himiko’s ears as she held her in place, the way Ochako’s foot remained planted between her separated ones. “Ooooh kinky little heroling! Are you going to arrest me now? I know you got your provisional license. I was there, I was watching you beautiful. ” She purred the last words, squealing in delight as Ochako’s arm pressed harder.
“Shut up. Just shut up and tell me why you were following me!”
“Oh you’re so presumptuous Ochako-chan! Who’s to say I was following you! Maybe I was just going out shopping.” Himiko responded light-heartedly. Then she turned her head just enough to catch a glimpse of those lovely brown eyes and the fire that burned in them, the fear. “Unless you think there’s a reason I would be following you specifically. Have I been on your mind recently?”
With an easy move she slipped down under Ochako’s pressing arm. Using the leg that had been placed between her own, Himiko tripped the other girl up, tugging hard with her foot around the ankle while grounding herself as she popped up to stand again. It was easy to use the momentum of Ochako leaning forward to push the shorter girl forward and land her on the ground between Himiko and the wall now. Dropping easily, Himiko pressed a knife against the girl’s pretty pale throat, watching it flutter under the kiss of the cold metal. “Is there something pretty inside of you bursting to come out at the sight of me?” She murmured, drawing the point of the knife up Ochako’s throat and towards her mouth. “Why don’t you open those pretty pink lips and show me?”
She could see how the other bit her lip. Bit it so hard it bled. She wanted to lean down and kiss it away, get a taste of that copper and become the other girl again. To feel her body around her own form, to get to know it inside and out. To prove to Ochako that she could be everything she needed, that she wanted, and more. But that would be too forward right now, and terribly rude, what with her knee digging into Ochako’s back and a knife stealing all those pretty kisses against her bleeding lip. “Just be honest.” She murmured, lifting the knife until it came to rest on the other’s back, hovering above her shirt, above the lungs. “It’s been getting harder and harder to breathe. You look at all the cute boys, all the pretty girls, and you’re just like me. You see them and you can’t think! You want to know them, be like them, be them. Just as strong, just as cute, just as charming. You want to feel what it’s like to have their muscles, their hair, their pretty smiles.” She drew her knife down over the back of her shirt. “You want to wear their fancy clothes and learn what it’s like to have a life like them just for a little bit. And that envy burns inside of you so strongly you forget to breathe.”
Himiko accented every mention of air with a gentle press of the blade against those heaving shoulder blades. She couldn’t help but revel in the soft little noises of fear and anger that broke from Ochako, or how she fell silent when the accusations were thrown at her feet. “What pretty things grow inside you Ochako?”
She grinned as that seemed to finally get the reaction she had been searching for. A rough gasp of surprise, a hacking cough, and the splatter of flower petals across the ground in front of them. Delighted laughter fell from Himiko’s lips as she leaned forward over the other, pressing her face against the multicolored ground as she picked apart all the flower petals. She hummed in delight as one, two, three different flower types came to light. Beautiful lilies, so full of love and adoration. Hatred and revenge. The conflicting anger that surely choked Ochako every time she considered how her heart had betrayed her. The contradictions were beautiful.
“You know, they call me a garden. I’ve had so many flowers burst from my chest that I’ve lost count. But always, always only one flower at a time. But look at you, Ochako-chan. You have three flowers blooming inside you right now. And every single one of them is for me, aren’t they?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” The words were spat with such hate that it caused that pool of joy to bubble even stronger within her. To have so much emotion directed at her, solely at her, it sent goosebumps up and down her arms.
She crooned as she leaned down, dragging a few petals across the ground to be gathered into her hand. Slowly she let them drift down, one by one in front of Ochako’s face. “Oh, you don’t know what I’m talking about? These pretty flowers tell me so much. Do you know what they mean?” She smiled, her teeth catching her lip as she felt Ochako tense up under her. “I have a flower myself too. But when I’m around you, it curls up. Content inside me while you’re so close.”
“I thought you liked Izuku.”
Laughing, Himiko leaned down, resting her elbows on the girl’s shoulders as she kicked her feet up in the air. “Oh Deku-kun’s cute. Precious even and very, very … Special. But he never even had a chance to give me as beautiful a bloom as you.”
Silence again and Himiko wondered if she’d have to prove it to Ochako. Pull a flower from between her lips and push it into her face. An indirect kiss, it left her body shivering with excitement.
“Why me?” The words were so soft that they could have been her imagination if she hadn’t felt Ochako move beneath her.
She rested her head against the soft brown hair, closing her eyes slightly. “Because you’re just like me Ochako-chan. Because I can see myself with you because we understand each other as no one else does.”
The jolt of the solid earth floating away from her had her stomach soaring towards her mouth. With it the sting of betrayal and hurt as the carnation floated up her throat as well, filling her mouth with a dozen pink petals. “That’s not nice Ochako!” She snarled, trying to orientate herself so she could look down on the other. She hadn’t even felt her hand slap against her, but it must have at some point because Ochako was pulling herself up, stepping on all the petals and crushing them under her feet. And oh how it hurt to see that. “I was just talking to you about a truth we shared!”
“We don’t share anything.” Ochako’s brown eyes flashed in the sunlight above them, fury and fear showing clearly. Fear which Himiko recognized. Fear of acknowledgment that someone else might be right. That she might know more about her than she knew herself. “Stop smiling like that! We aren’t anything alike!”
She turned and Himiko was scared for a moment that she was about to just walk away, leaving her floating slowly upwards, desperately clinging to the light that hung from the building beside them. Who knew how long this quirk lasted. Then she felt the unstable feeling drop away as Ochako paused in the entrance to the alleyway. Hanging from the light now, her feet dangling towards teh ground, she stared at the shoulders that slumped.
“Don’t come near me again.”
She hated it. How she haunted her mind’s eyes. The way she had looked, hallowed by sunlight, looking like an angel with a devil’s face. How her words had made such terrible sense and dug so deep into Ochako’s mind that she couldn’t shake them. How that envy Toga had talked about burst into being when she saw her classmates with their weekend clothes and favorite foods. The special attention from their teachers, their constant exposure to their idols.
When she had come to UA she had dreamed about private lessons with Thirteen, but had known that was just a silly dream. That teachers didn’t single out students to give special treatment. But that was a lie, wasn’t it? All Might, Aizawa-sensei -- both of them had students they had taken directly under their wing. It was a horrible little bug that had infected her, burrowing deeper and deeper. Nesting in her chest right beside those flowers that Toga knew about. And wasn’t that just horrible too? That Toga knew so much about her and they had only met the one time. Well, two times now.
But she had spoken as though she had known Ochako all her life. Her words had made too much sense, as though they really were the same…
Letting the weights she was holding up fall back to earth with a soft ‘release’, she fell back against the floor of gym gamma. It had been that familiarity, that sense of connection, that had had her releasing Toga that day she knew it. She could have let the girl -- the villain hang there for eternity. Or at least until the police showed up. But she had released her, had let her come back to earth. And now she haunted her mind with those beautiful eyes that seemed to stare so deeply into Ochako.
A devil with an angel’s face.
A nightmare filling all her dreams.
And the worst part was that after talking to her the flowers had become less consuming. She could breathe with ease more often than not, as long as she didn’t try too hard to push away the thoughts of Toga. If she tried to deny what she felt then the flowers, full blossoms now, would fill her mouth. White lilies, yellow lilies, and those long, red spider lilies. Horrible things that only went away if she plucked them out one by one or let the thoughts of Toga consume her.
If she let the thoughts consume her, dwelt on the ideas that had been given to her, the air felt clean. Everything she ate tasted like food again instead of dirt. And every word made more sense. She did want to know what it was like to live like them. To feel special, to feel stable, to feel pretty and strong. She had thought becoming a hero would help. That training, throwing herself into the development of her skills, would make the darker feelings inside of her die. But she felt no closer to her goals than she had at the start of all this.
And this was after a work study and an internship. She just felt like she was falling further and further behind and the only words that gave her any guiding light were--
Were the words spoken to her by a villain who spoke of a connection she had never felt with anyone else.
Rolling over, Ochako pushed herself up off the floor of the gym. Her teeth were grit against all the hesitance that curled up inside of her. If she stopped, if she hesitated, she would never move. Never act. And if she never acted--
Then she would never even have a hope of reaching her one time dreams of becoming a hero. Because she’d never be able to breathe right if she didn’t let in the thoughts of Himiko Toga.
Drawing herself up, she pulled on her gym uniform’s jacket before moving to the doors. Her hand rested on the doorknob and she looked back at the gym, feeling a tight tug on her heart as she stared at this place. It held so many memories, she had made so many bonds here. And she didn’t want to give them up but--
But she wouldn’t ever be happy here, would she? Not now, not like this. Not without attempting to pursue the answers she wasn’t sure even existed.
Pushing the door open she stepped out onto the UA campus and began walking towards the gate. If she just walked casually, if she didn’t give a sign to all the turmoil building inside of her, then no one would stop her?
Would anyone notice before curfew tonight?
Shaking the melancholy thoughts off. Ochako straightened her shoulders and continued her casual stroll across the grass. The glinting windows of the school sent light reflecting in squares on the ground before her. She remembered her first afternoon here where in her delight at being at the school she had played hopscotch with the light, jumping around and playing her own private game. Until she had noticed other students staring and she had stopped. Embarrassed where once she had been delighted, rushing away to her little, lonely apartment. She had wanted to ask her classmates to play such a game with her, but now--
She shook her head again. No, it wasn’t as though she was leaving for good. She would come back here, still follow her goals. She just wanted to know… To learn if there was a different path, a better path, that would make her happier, that would feel less heavy on her shoulders, less filled with doubt. She would come back here. But she would be… Changed. She knew she would be, no matter what she decided, simply because she had considered it. And yet, despite the fear, the uncertainty, every step towards the gate gave her heart a little jump start, gave her feet a little lift, and by the time she reached the sidewalk she was running, racing and dodging between the people on the street making their way home.
She was sure no matter which way she turned, Himiko Toga would find her.
And she was correct as it only took a few more blocks before her racing steps became a slow walk, and it was only seconds after she slowed that a second pair of feet joined her own. Cute little black slip-ons keeping pace with her running shoes. And there were those golden eyes, devouring the conflicted look in Ochako’s brown eyes, that sharp smile splitting her face in delight. “I was wondering when I’d see you again Ochako-chan.”
Instinct was to push the villain away, to pin her against a wall again and this time not let her escape until the police had shown up to arrest her. Instinct was to make all of this stop, to climb back inside the box that she had spent all of her life in, following the lead of society.
But then again, society had had them leaving a little girl in the hands of a villain worse than any she had ever encountered among the league of villains. Only for them to risk everything to get her back in a plan that fell apart upon engagement. A society that had left a guy as bright as Izuku shaky and uncertain of himself. A society that had broken promises time and time again, that had never glanced her way until she tried to make a name for herself -- and even then, who noticed her except those who pitied her? Those who had thought her weak, had not seen her for what she could do, what she could become.
“Is there somewhere quiet and private we can talk?”
Toga skipped as they walked now, her hands coming up to her chest in excitement. “Oh I just knew you’d come around!” She squealed. “I know just the place, come on!” And she reached down and took Ochako’s hand without hesitation. She even left one finger free so she didn’t go floating. Just how conscious was she of how to put Ochako at ease? How long had she watched her after the training camp incident? Or was she just normally that conscious of others’ comfort when it came to their quirks? Hadn’t Shigaraki had a quirk that required all five fingers, was this just a natural way for her to hold people’s hands now?
Did the League hold hands? It was such a ridiculous thought that Ochako nearly burst out into laughter. And maybe that was because she was feeling slightly hysterical.
But she followed Toga in silence to a little building off the main streets. It looked empty, abandoned, not used by a known villain syndicate. And when Toga pushed open the door, Ochako hesitated but the girl looked over her shoulder with that same smile on her face. “Oh come on little hero. You can’t be that scared! It’s just us after all.” She waltzed into the room, Ochako following with her guard up, but the gutted convenience store seemed to truly be empty. It was really just them. She watched as the other girl spun on one foot, hands clasped behind her back in the shaft of sunlight coming in from a hole in the boarded up windows. “Now I’ll be honest with you! I’ve never had anyone return the feelings when hanahaki has infected me. Usually I pull the flowers from their lungs as they gasp for air around all the blood pooling in their chest!” And the way she laughed at that should have sent Ochako running.
But instead it just enchanted her. Brought her closer as she stepped forward. She wondered how many times Toga had fallen in love, and what made them different. Was it because she was willing to approach the girl? Was it because she was willing to hear her out?
Was it because in the end they truly were the same inside?
“What makes you think I return your feelings?” She shot out, defensive still as her arms came up to wrap around herself. As though she could ward every doubt away with such a simple motion. A though she even had a choice anymore.
Her question was only met with a sardonic little smile before the other girl continued. “So honestly, I don’t even know what will happen! But! I can imagine that it’s going to hurt.” Toga warned. “It’s not the same as the plants withering and dying and coming out of you with bile and blood. You’re going to be hacking up a full plant. Well, three in your case. You adorable and stubborn overachiever.” She giggled. “When I was younger I used to keep them all, plant them in my family garden. The plants that I pulled from my own mouth and those from the chests of others had beautiful plots that I cared for everyday.” Her face fell at those words, her hands coming up to tug at her flyaway hairs. “Now I just put them in flower pots and care for them until I can find a nice, peaceful place free of heroes to plant them. My own little garden, and no one in the league is even annoyed by it!”
Ochako stared at her, feeling the tightness forming in her chest. “But they won’t unroot themselves until-”
“Until you admit that you love me and that I love you back!” Toga smiled so wide and the pink petals could clearly be seen between her teeth, curled up and waiting behind the shiny white bones. “Are you scared Ochako-chan? This is your chance after all. Your chance to run towards the truth, figure out just how dark and ugly hero society is, and all it will cost you is a kiss and a breath of fresh air into your lungs.”
It was now or never. She could turn tail and run, suffer with her dreams falling apart around her and the crushing doubt of what could have been hanging over her. She could move forward, take a chance, glance down that other path. Open the gate to pursue the life she had always wanted -- to never be alone, to do good in the world.
Before she could second guess herself, Ochako grabbed Toga’s shirt and yanked her forward. The other girl’s hands came up to brace on Ochako’s shoulders, but the brunette just pulled her closer, crushing her lips against those shiny teeth. She pulled back only for a moment so Toga could close her mouth and when their lips met it was a physical shiver through her body. She held her tight, her lips moving slowly now, achingly content in this kiss as Toga’s tongue flicked out and tasted them. She wondered if they tasted like dirt, she wondered if Toga wore this sweet chap stick specifically to hide the taste of mud.
Pulling back slightly to breathe, but not releasing the other girl, she felt that looseness in her chest. “Show me.” Ochako growled against her lips, “Show me what it’s like to go after what I want without any hesitation.”
Himiko smiled, her arms moving up from where they had grabbed Ochako’s shoulders, draping them now around her and pulling her closer. “Oh Ochako-chan. This is going to be so much fun my love.”