Chapter Text
Ellie peered through the darkness, listening more keenly to the arguing voices outside the cart, trying to decipher just how many there were and what exactly they were saying. She figured from their hushed tones that there can't have been many, she counted what she thought were only two voices but she had no way of knowing for sure, not with the persistent ringing in her ears.
Once more she tugged at her binds, looking for just one sign that if she made a run for it, she would at least have an honest shot at it but other than the frayed ends cutting more firmly into raw skin of her wrists, they didn't budge. Not that she had really expected them to, they had been both tied and checked vigorously before she was tossed into the back of the cart but what else could she do? She was tired and eventually she knew she had a decision to make. Did she continue to go along with them to stay alive a little longer, or did she struggle now only to die before they could use her.
Ellie closed her eyes, the now familiar voices catching her ears so she listened more intently, trying to make out what they were saying as their whispers drew more harsh. Jack was more talkative, Abby more defensive. They weren't panicked but their tones were accusing and she tried to listen more carefully to what exactly they were talking about. She had been watching the two of them for days, there was a tension there that wasn't spoken, one that silently spoke of distrust and unknown intentions and it sounded as if it was finally coming to a head.
She shuffled closer to the wall of the cart, leaning in to press her ear close enough without touching it, close enough that she could make out just barely what they were saying.
"I'm not going to ask you again, what are you doing here, Abby?" Jack asked, his tone seething but still hushed, this was a conversation that was clearly just for them.
"I already told you." Abby replied more flippantly, an attempt to brush him off. "Who are you to question my orders? When we get back I will report your insubordination."
"I know you weren't sent here." he challenged.
What were they even arguing about? They were both on the same team, yet they argued like they weren't. They both hated her, they both wanted her dead but she gathered Abby was here to keep an eye on Jack, to make sure that he didn't do anything that would mortally wound her and with that knowledge brought a little comfort, at least while she was around she would be safe enough, though safe was a relative term. The way they were speaking now didn't leave her much comfort though. While Abby was her safeguard, she didn't know to what extent and she felt that Jack would do anything to take her out of the picture now and she couldn't stomach the thought of him going back for Dina.
Ellie took a deep breath finally making up her mind. She would rather die being brave than as some captive who never tried. Dina would never forgive her if she didn't try. Holding that breath, she heaved herself over the back of the cart, hitting the ground on her shoulder first with enough force to wind her. Her eyes opened wide in shock, and gasping for air she tried to roll onto her back so she could sit up but it was no use, she had no strength left in her. She had planned to maneuver to her feet and make a run for it but she had been too starved and wounded and anything she tried now was truly futile.
"What the fuck." Jack snapped, almost spitting as his attention turned from Abby to Ellie before he stormed over and looked down at her with disgust. Ellie struggled onto her back, kicking her legs as she fought to escape but he grabbed her arm, yanking her to her feet and pressed her against the side of the cart for leverage.
"Let her go." Abby growled, her hands balling into fists at her side.
"Shut up." Jack snarled, thrusting Ellie harder into the wood while she continued to gasp. "Anyone would think you were starting to care about her, Abby. Don't forget that she's the reason your family are dead. That all your friends are dead."
Ellie looked past him, over his shoulder to Abby who deflated, looking to the side and away before her eyes came back to meet Jack's, piercing blue filled with so much anger meeting her dull, lifeless green but she saw herself in them, she knew she once held that same murderous rage.
"I've kind of had enough of you." Jack murmured close to her ear, his hand coming up, touching the length of her body in a way that left her feeling sick before his fingers settled around her neck, soft at first until she started to struggle again and he tightened his grip. He leant forward, his breath grossly hot on her ear and whispered. "I should have killed you in Jackson when I had the chance."
Ellie fought against her restraints, wanting to reach up and fight his hands away but it was no use, she was bound too tightly. She could feel her consciousness slowly slipping away and she wondered if he would stop when she passed out or if he would just keep going. Her eyes met Abby's and once more she looked away. She didn't blame her, she wouldn't have wanted to watch anyone kill her either, especially not back then when she had wanted to do it by her own hands.
She wondered briefly if Abby still wanted to, or if it was in her best interest to keep her alive.
Ellie didn't think she was capable of smiling, her broken bones in her cheek and her skin bruised, but she thought if she could she might as well have been because it was ironic really, that Abby was watching this happen now, after promising that if she saw her again she would kill her kind of like a prophecy coming true but it wasn't by her own hands, and Ellie had never intended to see her again.
She felt what little fight she had left begin to leave her body and she stopped thrashing about as her vision blackened at the edges but she never stopped looking over his shoulder, never stopped looking at Abby. Her face was just more comforting than his, and she would rather die looking in her direction than his, he didn't deserve that satisfaction. She wondered if she had asked Abby to apologize to Dina for her, if she would. She never wanted to leave Dina wondering what happened to her, and she didn't want Dina to think she never tried to come back.
In another life, Ellie thought they might have been friends. The same murderous rage that filled her, Abby had felt it too and it took her entirely too long to realize that they weren't so different. Maybe if they had sat down over a drink they might have sorted out their differences but she guessed too much had happened, and as kind as she had been to her now, and that she had spared Dina and at the time her unborn child, were both facts that would be ignored by the people of Jackson. As forgiving as they could be, they had their limits. They all did.
"Let her go." Abby said again, a little stronger than before.
"Seriously Abby, you sound like a broken record." He pressed a little harder, forcing Ellie more firmly into the wood and her body began to feel a little lighter at the lack of oxygen so she closed her eyes, trying to make her last moments thoughts of home. Of Dina and JJ and the life that could have been if only she had been allowed to live it.
"I said let her go, Jack." Abby repeated, grabbing his arm in an attempt to get him to let go. He pushed her back with his free hand but Abby tried again, ripping it away until he had no choice but to let go and Ellie slumped to the ground, weakly gasping for air with her cheek pressed to the dirt.
"I know you weren't sent here, Abby." Jack remarked, swinging his arm wildly at her and shoving her back when she dodged. He looked at her with contempt, tilting his head to the side. "So just what the fuck are you doing here?"
"You think you were trusted?" Abby asked, her eyes narrowing at him. "You're a nobody, Jack. You had one job and you couldn't even do it, not without us coming to hold your hand. If I wouldn't be recognized, they would have sent me."
"I spoke with command." He said as gave a sickening smirk back, as if he had figured it all out he reached for the gun on his belt. He took it out and aimed it at her, jostling it carelessly in his hand. "And you weren't meant to be here. Said you had gone AWOL, even. So what are you doing here?"
"I came to make sure you brought her back." Abby said, slowly raising her hands defensively.
"You're a bad liar, Abby. I think you're-" Jack paused at the snapping of a twig in the distance. His eyes darted passed Abby, over her shoulder to the darkness of the forest and he paused, taking in the sudden silence.
Ellie watched as Abby look over her shoulder, looking for something, almost motioning to something then she looked up, watching the way Jack's finger pressed on the trigger, ready to fire without so much as another word before there was a whistle and the glint of an arrow tip carved through the bitterly cold air leaving Jack to howl in pain, no longer caring about keeping their voices down. He dropped the gun and clutched at the arrow embedded in his thigh as he toppled over.
There was another arrow, this time the tip lit up the darkness and the cart she was confined in just moments ago was engulfed in flames. Two more saw those running towards them fall to the ground with deadly accuracy before more arrows were lobbed at the other carts, the horses beginning to grow restless. She could still hear Jack's wails of pain and as exhausted as she felt, some part of her had some sick form of pleasure from watching him and hearing it, as if hearing that now made up for everything he had done to her, for the pain he had caused Dina.
Abby rushed to Ellie's side and fetched the knife from her belt to cut her binds. Ellie met her frantic eyes, trying to make sense of what was going on but it was all happening too fast for her to comprehend.
"You have to run." Abby instructed, helping lift her to her feet and it might have been more effortless if she wasn't dead weight. "Ellie, come on."
She wanted to ask where, the thought of trying to run anywhere was almost laughable to her. Where were they meant to run to? They were just two people against the many that had held her captive, that wanted to use her. They would hunt her down. All the trees were bare, there was no cover. Thick snow covered the ground, and the trail they left behind would be easily followed. Instead of speaking, she just shook her head, unable to make herself move.
"If you want to see your family again you have to run."
Ellie gritted her teeth, the threat reverberating inside her and she cracked the one eye she could at Abby, the other remaining swollen shut, to really look at her, maybe to gauge if she was being genuine or not or if Abby really just wanted to kill her her herself. She didn't really have much else to lose by trusting her for now. She could stay here and die, or she could go with Abby and die, the third choice being that Abby was telling the truth, that if she went with her then maybe one day she could see her family again.
With new motivation, she took the first step, her arm draped over Abby for support and she couldn't help but think how absurd this whole situation was. Not that this had happened, she had almost expected it once they learned she was still alive, but that her and her sworn enemy were now working together.
They hadn't made it very far when out of the shadows a small boy darted to them, rushing to settle under Ellie's other arm.
Ellie arched her head towards him, recognizing him first as the one she had used to get a reaction out of Abby, to make her fight her, then as the one who had put the arrow through Dina's shoulder. She recoiled, the memory making her feel more physically sick than she had the entire time she had been gone. She thought she had lost Dina then, and the thought of losing her now all over again was unbearable.
At that moment a slurry of snow kicked up around them, large flakes settling on her cheeks and slowly melting as if spurred on by the chaos surrounding them. She could hear the chaos she left behind, the horses as they tried to flea the burning carts and the rest of the men shouting after them.
Ellie's head slumped, both unable and unwilling to look at Abby or Lev any longer. The anger she thought she had let go of what felt like an eternity ago now still bubbling under the surface and ready to spew forth in rebellion but she couldn't let it.
"What's wrong?" He asked, working with Abby to get Ellie moving, practically dragging her through the soft snow.
"She's too weak." Abby groaned, shifting to try to keep her upright but she was dragging her down.
Ellie closed her eyes, allowing her enemies to carry her. She tried to lift her feet but knew that despite trying, she was only dragging them. She could still hear the yells of anger, of confusion as her captors rushed around to put the fires out and calm the horses. Eventually, the voices began to fade but she couldn't tell if it was because they were getting further away or if it correlated to the fact her eyes were getting heavier. She knew the answer when her body slumped and took both Abby and Lev to the ground with her.
Ellie drifted in and out of consciousness, for how long, she didn't know but for those moments she didn't hurt anymore and she briefly wondered if she was even still alive. When she opened her eyes all she saw was bright white and when she closed them she could only hear hushed whispers, or the sound of blood rushing in her ears, it all sounded the same to her. Maybe she hadn't made it out, that they had been captured and she was back locked up. Whatever it was, she was too tired to care and only wanted to keep sleeping.
This time though when she opened her eyes they didn't immediately close and the throbbing in her head and pain in her body began to seep its way back in. She clenched her eyes shut, trying to bite the pain back but now that it had set in it was there to stay so she opened the one eye that would, and with more effort than the task typically would have demanded, she pushed herself up. It was excruciating, like every bone in her body had been broken and poorly reset but she kept going until she was sitting up enough to look at her surroundings.
She felt the blanket draped around her fall and it startled her, inviting a chill that hadn't been there before and for the first time panic began to set in. At first the air burnt her lungs but as she gasped for more oxygen, it became easier and eventually her heart settled down with it. She looked down at her wrists that had since been bandaged and they still looked clean considering what she knew was underneath and knew that someone had been redressing her wounds.
She was alone but there was a well stoked fire crackling in front of her so she can't have been alone for long. She looked at her surroundings, the camp set up close to a rocky bank that would have concealed their location and at the blankets set closely together on the other side, a perfect spot to watch her without getting too close.
For now she was alive.
She racked her brain, trying to remember how she had gotten here but it was just blank. She remembered Jack and Abby fighting, she remembered being dragged through the snow but that was it. She had no recollection of just how long she had been out here, or where she was now in relation to where she had been or just how far she was away from Jackson. If she had to try and make it back like this, she had no idea what direction to start in nor if she even would have the strength to. Even if she could get up, she couldn't leave.
"You're awake." Abby commenting coming back into her view, leaving Ellie to eye her skeptically. Despite this Abby still handed the bottle of water in her hand to her. "How are you feeling? You've been out of it for a while."
"How long?" Ellie rasped, slowly taking a sip of the water but it felt thick and hard to swallow and the way it burnt her throat made her unable to swallow so she spat it out. For all she knew it could have been poisoned but even in her confusion she knew that it didn't make sense for Abby and nurse her wounds only to kill her in such a spineless way. The water however still felt nice in her dry mouth, so she took another little sip just to wet her lips.
"A couple days." Abby replied, taking a seat opposite her by the fire. "You're heavier than you look."
Ellie smiled, tilting her head to the side to stretch her neck. "I thought those muscles weren't just for show."
Abby smiled but it felt a little forced. "How are you feeling?"
"About as good as I'm sure I look."
"You had us worried." Abby said quietly, breaking a stick into small sections to keep herself distracted before tossing it onto the fire. "Lev, he did a really good job patching you up. He's always been good with those things. Me, not so much. I wanted to learn from my dad, but you know."
Ellie thought about addressing her statement but thought nothing good could come from it, not when she was completely at her mercy. Instead she turned her stiff neck to look for Lev, once more feeling fearful for his absence because nobody deserved to die because of her and too many people already had. When she didn't see him she settled back to Abby who seemed entirely too at ease for anything to have happened to him.
"Relax." Abby said, noticing her apprehension. "He's gone to try and find some food. If we're going to get out of here you're going to need to regain some of your strength. We can't carry you anymore."
Ellie looked down, once more confused by Abby's actions. She said herself that if she saw her again she would kill her, a threat that Ellie had every intention to heed, but here she was tending to her wounds and trying to get her home. It didn't make sense to her. Abby had obviously found what she was looking for, she had a home with the Fireflies and safety in numbers for both her and Lev. She could have lived the rest of her life there peacefully, just as Ellie could have done had they not come for her.
She remembered Jack had called her out for it. Abby was never meant to be here and had gone against orders so what were her intentions? Was she using her to get more revenge? She could kill her, or she could take her back to Jackson and get Tommy as well. Maybe Dina and JJ if she really wanted to hurt her. Was she keeping her alive to make her watch?
"Why?" Ellie asked with a shake of her head, unwilling to let the thoughts unsettle her any longer.
"You saved my life." Abby said quietly, still stoking the fire as if refusing to look at Ellie in her current state. "Despite what happened or why you were there, you saved Lev's. It wouldn't be right for them to do what they were going to do to you and besides, I don't know if you've realized but Jack's a piece of shit." At the mention of his name she finally looked up at her and met her eye, giving a small smile.
Ellie wasn't sure if she was being honest but she still couldn't fight the smile that faintly claimed her lips. "You can say that again."
They sat in comfortable silence. Abby offered nothing more and Ellie never asked so for the moment there was nothing more to be said. Abby continued to keep an eye out for danger, chucking more wood on the fire when needed, and dragging more to the camp for when it became too dark, carefully breaking the branches into smaller segments. Eventually, when Ellie's eyes felt too heavy, she laid down and went to sleep, despite being in danger still, she felt a relatively calmness about being in Abby's presence now, like for the moment she was safe.
When she awoke again, Lev was back. He and Abby sat opposite her talking quietly to themselves. She couldn't make out what they were saying, nor did she care to. Her eyes fluttered closed again.
The next time she woke she could feel that she wouldn't immediately be able to fall back asleep, for the first time in a long time feeling like she had had enough rest. She opened her eyes, now being able to see a little through her swollen one, though blurry, and she was thankful that she still had her vision.
She felt him before she knew that he was there. His fingers delicately tending to the bandage on one of her arms and she thought that intrusion was what had woken her but he was gentle, and she felt no pain from him. She arched her head and watched him as he tied the wrap back around her wrist before placing his hand over top of it and closed his eyes as if saying a pray for her. Whatever he had laid underneath was cool, and she no longer felt the familiar ache of the burns underneath.
"Good morning." he said noticing her, though it was night again now and when she studied his face she could tell his smile was genuine. Taking her by the shoulder he helped her to sit up and though her body ached, she felt better.
"Thanks." she said, her voice hoarse. "Lev, right?"
He nodded before shifting from her and crouching down at the fire. He tended to the sticks he had resting over some logs into the flame and Ellie thought whatever he was cooking smelt so good that her stomach protested it's hunger.
"Hungry?" Abby asked, appearing from the edge of their camp and dropping more wood on the stack that they had clearly been accumulating for the night. She tossed a bottle to leave before motioning her head to Ellie and he held it out for her to take. "Drink something."
She did as she was told, this time taking slow, methodical sips. The dryness still burnt but it was easier. "Thanks."
Ellie watched them continue to move around the camp and though she was close to the flame she still shivered. When Lev came over he pressed the back of his hand to her forehead and picked up the blanket that had once been on her, wrapping it around her shoulders. Ellie didn't feel as if she deserved his kindness, and she still shivered, but she didn't feel as cold.
"You've got a fever." he said when he came back to her he handed her two white pills, gesturing for her to take them. She did as she was told without question, finishing the rest of the water that had been provided to her. "They'll help take the edge off." he added, though she never really questioned him.
Lev moved the food from the fire to rest, some kind of blackened meat skewered on sticks that she assumed was some small game like a rabbit that Lev have hunted.
"How are you feeling?" Abby asked, taking one of the sticks of food and handing it to Ellie.
Ellie gratefully took it. Abby had made it look easy but the small amount of food on the end feeling almost too heavy to hold but she tightened her grip to keep hold of it before she lied. "I feel great."
Both Abby and Lev smiled but neither one looked up at her.
When she felt as if the food was cold enough she brought it to her mouth and took tentative bites, small enough that she barely had to chew because it was painful but she was thankful regardless to have something in her stomach and she wasn't about to complain. They all sat in silence as they ate, the sounds of the creatures of the night the only thing filling the void and it was peaceful. It was a weird kind of peace, one that didn't feel entirely real but it was peace none the less.
When Ellie couldn't take the silence anymore she asked. "What's the plan, then?"
"Get you back to Jackson." Abby shrugged, taking another bite of her meal.
"Then what? What will you and Lev do?"
"Let's not pretend like we care about each other or anything." Abby said, her tone flippant but it felt forced, like she was trying to hide something. "After this, I don't owe you anything."
"You don't owe me anything now." Ellie countered, because it was the truth.
Abby smiled and looked away but said nothing more so Ellie closed her eyes and thought of home. Thought of how worried Dina would be about her, how now she would know about the rings she had been saving for them, for when the time finally felt right. But Dina had already known about them, she had read about them in her journal. Ellie hadn't had much more time to reflect on their fight but now it had crossed her mind it was all she could think about.
She had been hurt. If she had have been feeling a little more rational about the whole thing she would have realized it had nothing to do with the fact that Dina kept that secret from her, that there were things in there that at the time she hadn't been comfortable with Dina knowing but eventually she would have known her. It had everything to do with the fact that Dina knew how she felt, about what she had been through, about her, and she pretended she didn't. She hurt her knowing what she had, the mere memory of the rings burning a hole in everything they touched. Dina knew and she still chose to push her away, to get together with Jack, to hurt her.
Ellie sighed and tilted her head back to look at the sky. She wondered if Dina was doing the same and that thought gave her some comfort. She wasn't angry anymore, she was ready to leave all hurt in the past because it really didn't matter whether or not Dina knew because she had chosen her. They may have taken the long way there, but Dina wanted her and she wanted her too.
She wished she hadn't walked out on her but knew it wouldn't have changed anything that day, Dina still would have gone on patrol and Jack still would have used her knowing she was her weakness but she still wished she had stayed, that she had shared one last kiss with her before she left. She found it hard now to remember their last embrace, or how her hair smelt that morning because it was marred with how poorly she could control her temper. If she could just make it home to her, she promised to be better.
"I thought we were going to lose you." Abby spoke up over the howling of wind, though they were well sheltered. "Thought maybe you'd given up."
Ellie exhaled through her nose, followed by a choked laugh that caused her to cough pathetically and she wrapped her arms around her aching ribs for comfort. Another day and she might have. She didn't know how much fight she had left to give, even now she wasn't sure what her injuries held for her and if she were to look into a mirror she knew even she would grimace at the sight but for now she was alive, she was free. Well, as free as she could feel in the presence of Abby Anderson she thought.
"What was their plan?" Ellie finally asked, reaching up to wipe away some fresh blood that had spilled on to her lower lip.
"The research didn't add up." Abby replied with a shake of her head. "After dad died, I read all of his journals. Back to front, over and over. I dreamed about them almost every night. I went through everything he had taught me, listened to all his tapes. He was never sure, but he thought if he tried then... he figured it at least was worth trying. One persons life was worth sacrificing for the many but he had his doubts, I could hear it in his voice. He wasn't a bad man."
Ellie watched her over the flames, watched as the shadows danced over her face as she looked down. Abby had remained reasonably stoic until now, but Ellie could see her pained expression, how she struggled to find the words to speak and she felt sorry for her.
"I heard him back then, telling Marlene that the surgery would kill you. I told him that if I were in your place, I'd want him to do it. Back then I thought he would, you know, for the greater good, but thinking about it, he would have done the same thing as Joel did to get me out of there. He wouldn't have let a single person hurt me regardless of whether or not he was able to make a cure. He would have doomed humanity for me."
Ellie heard the tremor in Abby's voice before she paused, leaned to grab some more wood and tossed it onto the fire causing it to roar to life more ferociously. Ellie didn't push her, instead afforded her the time to regain her composure until she felt ready to speak again.
"If it were Lev... I'd have done the same thing." Abby choked out with her lower lip trembling but she set her jaw and met Ellie's eyes with a steely gaze. "I was so angry for so long but I would have done the same thing. I never understood it back then. I'm sorry."
"If Joel had have asked me what I wanted." Ellie began, leaving another thick silence between them while she considered her words. She shifted, trying to find a more comfortable position but she wasn't sure there was one before she continued. "I would have told them to try, even knowing the risks. It never had meaning before so I wanted my life to be worth something. I never had a family. I never knew my dad and all I had left of my mother was a letter. I never knew what it was like to fight for something, so I fought for that, so one day I might have something tangible to hold. I was too young, I didn't know it would have killed me, I think back then I wouldn't have even understood but if it had happened I never would have known what it felt like to love or be loved. I wouldn't have known the joy of watching the woman I love bring a baby in to the world. I don't think I'm good for a lot of things, but I want to protect them. I want to grow old together and watch them grow with me." she paused, darting her tongue out to wet her cracked lips. "It's selfish, I know it is. Joel knew it was selfish too and for the longest time I never understood why he did what he did. I hated him from taking the choice from me but now I know."
"Yeah." Abby grunted, looking down between her legs. "Lev changed my perspective on things to."
"He was so small when he was born." Ellie began and she smiled, though she felt the tears well in her eyes. "I was scared to hold him. I didn't want to hurt him, and I didn't want all my issues rubbing off on him. Dina was so patient though, so kind and the second I held him in my arms everything changed. I knew I would protect him with my life, give anything so he could have everything. Both him and Dina. He held my finger and I knew I belonged but I was still haunted by everything that happened. I thought about you every day." Ellie admitted. "My hatred for you consumed me and almost ruined the one chance I had or my life to actually mean something. I thought I had to do it." Ellie said and met Abby's eyes over the fire deciding whether or not she should continue but figured now was not the time to stop. "I wanted to kill you. I thought only then could I get you out of my head, that that was the only answer and maybe at the time it was."
Lev shifted at her side and she momentarily glanced at him before she met Abby's eyes once more. Maybe the conversation had turned too serious but there wasn't any point in holding back now.
"Joel, he would have wanted me to forgive you." Ellie added, offering a small shrug. "I didn't realize until I saw you there but I knew before I threw that first punch. I knew but I had thrown everything away to find you, so I thought that if I walked away it would have been for nothing." she reached up and rubbed at her eyes. She didn't think she had anything in her to fall, but she wanted to stop them before they did regardless. "I'm sorry. Joel, he did a lot of bad things, we both did."
"We all have." Abby agreed with a small nod.
"I don't want JJ to know that life." Ellie added before the conversation petered out.
She watched Abby a while longer, wondering if she would speak again but she appeared too deep in thought so Ellie resigned to the fact the rest of the night would be silent. When Lev laid down to go to sleep, she watched curiously as Abby covered him in his blanket and after he had fallen asleep she draped her own over him to keep him warm. She thought it funny watching them now, knowing the blood they both had on their hands, but they only wanted the same thing, to protect the ones they cared about.
When she laid down and closed her eyes she thought of Dina, her kind eyes and patient smile and she hoped that she was home in bed safe, waiting for her to return.