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Rei knows, that she is not okay.
Physically, she’s fine. She’s strong, she’s healthy. She eats well, and she’s in good shape.
But though she’s not quite sure what it is, she knows that something isn’t right in her head.
It’s getting harder than it was, back when Touya was born, to smile. It’s exhausting and painful for her to talk to her parents on the phone, and she often breaks down crying afterwards. It’s becoming impossible to look at her children; at her babies, without seeing him.
Enji loves you, she reminds herself. He’s just difficult. He’s always been difficult- you knew this when you married him.
When your parents told you to marry him, when Mother looked at you and said that it would bring the family prestige, money-
The problem, however, isn’t that she’s not okay. The problem is that it’s getting harder to hide it from her children.
Shouto is fine; he’s only six, and he still looks at her as though she hung the stars in the sky. Natsuo too; at ten-years-old, he doesn’t notice anything wrong. Even Fuyumi, for all that she’s thirteen-years-old, doesn’t notice much. Sometimes, she’ll catch her daughter looking at her funnily; but inevitably, Fuyumi will always smile at her, and offer to help with the chores.
But it’s in the way that Touya, freshly turned sixteen-years-old and already far too bitter for his age, will sometimes flinch away from her; will hide his face, and talk to her very quietly. It’s in the way that he looks at her like he knows what’s wrong, in the way that he’s quietly taken up a lot of the slack when she finds herself unable to do her household duties, helps her to take care of Shouto and Natsuo and Fuyumi.
The duties that Enji forced on you, when he said that someone needed to take care of the children and the house, and that you couldn’t work anymore-
And she knows that this isn’t right. She’s their mother, isn’t she? She’s supposed to be the one taking care of them, they’re not supposed to be worrying about her, taking care of her.
Enji doesn’t help. He rarely pays attention to her anymore, and never notices Fuyumi or Natsuo. Sometimes, he’ll train Touya, the way that he did before Shouto's quirk came in; but the only one that he bothers to take any real notice of is Shouto.
He hurts your baby why aren’t you stopping him Shouto’s so small you need to do something-
And her children deserve better, don’t they? All of them.
It hurts; because for as much as she knows that they can increasingly tell that something’s wrong, with her; she also knows that they’re not happy here. She can see the way that Touya grows angrier and angrier, the way that Fuyumi’s smile falters; the way that Natsuo will sometimes go quiet and retreat, as if he knows that his presence isn’t wanted, in Enji’s house.
And Shouto, her baby; he was always such a quiet child, but now, he speaks even less, and she doesn’t remember the last time that she saw him properly smile.
First Enji trained Touya, and now it’s Shouto, they’re both in pain, why didn’t you do anything-
And none of this is right, she knows.
They deserve to be cared for, to be kept safe- to be happy. She can’t- she doesn’t know what she can do, though, it’s getting harder for her to even just take care of herself, to look at them, especially Touya and Shouto, she doesn’t know how to take care-
Take care of them.
Maybe that’s the solution.
______________________________
Rei knows that she will have to be very careful about this.
She doesn’t know if Enji will approve of this plan, after all. And his approval is important; without it, she might make their lives even worse.
But she must try.
So, one day when Enji’s been called out of the country for a three-day business trip, she tells her children that she’s going to go shopping for a day, and leaves Touya in charge.
Because he’s old enough, after all. Look at him; your eldest child is strong, and smart, and he can protect them; he can protect them better than you ever could-
The entire time that it takes her to take the train into the city, she’s wracked with nerves. She rarely leaves the house anymore, after all; their groceries usually get delivered, and Enji doesn’t like it when she leaves, anyways.
He doesn’t pay attention to you but he still wants to keep you here, keep you chained, like a-
But she does it; she makes it into the heart of Musutafu. And, with a pounding heart, she walks into the family services lawyer’s office, and takes the elevator to her appointment.
She’s forty-five minutes early; so, she sits in the waiting room that smells like artificial roses, and is painted an array of colors, as she keeps her head down and fidgets with her hands.
It’s a relief, really, when she hears her maiden name being called. “Yukimura-san?”
______________________________
When Rei gets home from her appointment with the lawyer, heart still beating madly, but not as bad as before, she hugs all her children, and sets about making dinner.
It’s the nicest meal that they’ve had in a while, she must admit. Shouto sits on her lap and quietly eats whatever she gives him. Touya and Natsuo tease and roughhouse with each other, while Fuyumi alternates between yelling at her brothers and laughing at them.
Even she can’t help but smile, at their antics.
She waits until after Natsuo and Shouto have gone to bed, until Fuyumi has retired to her room, before steeling her nerves and hesitantly approaching her eldest son where he’s relaxing in his room. “Touya?”
He looks up at her, red hair and wary blue eyes and fire in his blood-
No, it’s not him it’s not Enji it’s Touya it’s Touya you’re doing this for them-
“What is it, Mother?”
She swallows. “You’re not happy here, are you?”
He stiffens, and looks down at his hands. At the scars that have wound their way around his upper arms, and made an unwelcome home on his skin. “It’s fine, Mother.”
Rei takes a deep breath. “No, it isn’t.” She pulls out the papers then, the papers that the lawyer gave her that she doesn’t dare to keep in her bedroom; but, will leave safely hidden at the bottom of the rice jar in the pantry, until it's time. “But I think I found a way to help.”
He raises an eyebrow then, and looks that the papers that she holds out to him. As he reads, his face changes rapidly- from disbelief, to shock, to anger, to curiosity, to hope. His eyes snap to her. “But this is-”
“Yes.” She nods. “To be clear, I won’t make you, or the others, do it if none of you want to, of course. You’re still so young, Touya. But if it’s something that you would want, that you would be willing to try, then I will make it happen.”
(Because she will- she must; there is no turning back now.)
“But- this only says for three of us.” He looks back up at her and frowns. “I know you're not- Mother- what about you and-”
“Don’t worry.” She tries to smile, as best she can.
(Because she wanted all four, all five, really- but there was no way that Enji would have let her, or-)
“You know how your Father is. I’ll still be here, with Shouto, and I have a plan to ease the way your father treats him and me, to make things better for the two of us. I'll take care of him, and myself.”
(Her plan for after only involves seeing a therapist, for her issues, so that she can take better care of Shouto, because she’s not sure what else she can do- but Touya doesn’t need to know that.)
“Are you sure about this?” His frown has lessened, but it’s still there. “It’s not fair to you, or to him, Mother. I don’t want for Endeavor to-”
She doesn’t bother to tell him to call Enji Father; she’s not sure that she’d have the right to, anyways. “It’ll be okay, Touya. I’m your mother. Let me worry about it, okay? You just do what you have to do, and I’ll take care of the rest. I promise. I love you, and I want you to be happy, darling. And if this could help you be happier, then I'll do it.”
He nods at her, hesitantly, eyes wide and suspiciously shiny. “I- okay, Mother. I- I want it. Thank you.”
She leaves his room with her head held high, finally feeling as though she’s doing the right thing.
______________________________
She’s not surprised, really, when Enji smacks her in the face when she asks for his signature.
This, the last step of the plan, was always going to be the hardest part, after all.
Everything else has been taken care of, over the past two months since she first went to the lawyer. The lawyer drew up the required papers and assured her that due to the sensitive, confidential nature of her case, there would be no need to go to court.
She’d also called her mother, begged for the money to get them started, to get them an apartment and to pay for their education as they adjust. And her mother had begrudgingly agreed- a part of her wishes, that she could have asked her mother to have custody for them all, instead of placing it on Touya; but no, she can't, the woman is too old now, and plus her mother doesn't care much for her grandchildren, anyways, Rei knows.
All Mother wanted was the money, what it would bring to the family name-
It had helped, in getting her mother to agree and setting it all up, that Touya had already picked a high school, and enrolling Natsuo and Fuyumi in other schools was simple enough.
(And she's so proud of Touya, for the school that he got into, even though Enji hadn't been pleased-)
Touya also found a job, and the lawyer began the process of helping him create a new koseki under his name, adopting her maiden name, for the three of them.
All that’s left is for Enji to sign the papers. Because as much as she would prefer to do it on her own, both parents need to sign.
She stands her ground, even as the blow nearly knocks her off her feet and the fire gets uncomfortably close no don’t burn no fire please don’t no please make it stop no stay strong-
His glare could rival the heat of the sun. “What is this foolishness, Rei?”
She lifts her head and doesn’t falter. “I- you won’t have to do anything. I’ll still be here. They’ll be out of your hands, permanently, and-”
He sneers. “You think I’m so foolish as to let Shouto be-”
“Not Shouto.” It hurts her to say it, but she knows that there is no other way. That Enji will never let Shouto leave, not the one child that he bothers to pay attention to.
But it’s okay, because she’ll stay too- no don’t stay leave run away -and she’ll take care of Shouto. “Just Touya, Fuyumi, and Natsuo. They’ll be emancipated, living on their own, and- and Touya will take care of all three of them. He’s ready, he-”
Enji barks a laugh. “Touya couldn’t take care of a dead goldfish.” Still, though; he eyes her and the papers speculatively. “I will have my lawyers look it over. If they don’t find any catches”- and here, he gets closer, lets the flames burn a little brighter- “I will consider it.”
She breathes out, and gives him a deep bow. “Thank you, Enji.”
______________________________
Shouto doesn’t understand when she tells him that it’s time to say goodbye.
He’s so small, after all, and rarely sees his siblings except for Touya, anymore, not since Enji started training him. Still though, he knows that they exist, knows who they are, knows that he always gets to see them eventually. He doesn’t understand the concept that they aren’t coming back.
He doesn’t understand that he won’t be allowed to talk to them again for years. That Enji had changed her cell phone number and imposed the condition that they could not have her new number, to ask her for more help or to talk to her, and that they wouldn’t be allowed to contact the Todoroki household for as long as Natsuo was under the age of eighteen.
She’d tried to argue that point, but Enji had been harsh. Eighteen for Natsuo was the only age that he’d agree to- he’d wanted them to never be able to come back.
(He had also imposed, though, that they would never be allowed to press any sort of charge against him, either; could not ever publicly claim relation to the hero Endeavor, Todoroki Enji. But she’d bit her tongue, at that, it hurt-)
She keeps Shouto close as Natsuo and Fuyumi cry and hug her goodbye, as Touya stands in the background and holds back his own tears. Her eldest son approaches her youngest and gives him a small kiss on the forehead. “I love you, okay Shouto? Never forget that.”
Natsuo and Fuyumi chime in too then, hug their baby brother and tell him that they love him. Shouto doesn’t seem to know what to do with all the hugs; he tells them that he loves them too, before pressing himself tighter against her.
All three of her eldest children hug her, then. She makes sure that they know that she loves them, because she does, and she doesn't want them to leave but it's for the best, they'll be happier. And they cry and tell her thank you; before the taxi comes for them and takes them away with their suitcases and belongings, takes them to their new apartment in the city.
Rei hugs Shouto tightly and holds back a sob, before asking her baby if he wants to go make cookies with her.
(Because Enji will come home from work soon, she knows, will come back to a mostly-empty household and will no doubt want to resume Shouto’s training schedule. Because now that Touya’s gone, Shouto’s the only one left for him to train.
The only one left with red hair and blue eyes and fire, the only one who can still burn-)
He gives her one of his not-quite smiles, before nodding enthusiastically.
It’s only after she’s put him to bed that night, when he’s cried on her shoulder from his newest bruises and fallen into a fitful sleep, that she allows herself to cry, finally.
It’s for the best, she tells herself.
They’ll be better now, and you can take care of Shouto.
______________________________
Her first visit with her new therapist, two weeks after three of her children have left, goes better than she expected.
Enji had merely rolled his eyes when she’d timidly told him that she wanted to visit a mental health specialist. So, she made the appointment, and now she’s sitting in Ayuzawa-san’s office, carefully squeezing one of the woman’s stress balls.
Ayuzawa-san looks at her for a long moment. “So, you say that it’s now just you, your youngest, and your husband in the house?”
She nods. “Yes.” Ayuzawa-san doesn’t know who her husband is, who she is, but that’s okay, she thinks.
The woman makes a little humming noise. “And how do you feel, about that?”
She tries not to tense; she must do this, for Shouto, she must make sure that she can take care of him, now that it’s just her. “Okay, I guess. I just- want to make sure that my baby’s okay, now.”
Ayuzawa-san gives her another long look, before releasing a heavy sigh. “Yukimura-san, can I be honest with you for one minute?”
Rei keeps her face open. “Of course, please.”
“You told me that you made this appointment because you wanted to make sure that you were capable of taking care of your youngest child, now that your three older children have left the house. You told me that you weren’t feeling like yourself, anymore. You haven’t told me much else aside from that, but I see patients like you a lot, Yukimura-san. I can make an educated guess.”
Her voice comes out very soft. “Oh?”
“It’s good that you want to make sure you’re fit to take care of your child, Yukimura-san. But the first step towards doing that is taking care of yourself.” The woman’s brown eyes don’t leave hers. “It’s important for you to know that you should protect yourself too, Yukimura-san.”
When Rei leaves the woman’s office, she can’t get the words out of her head.
______________________________
It hasn’t been a good day.
It’s only been five weeks in total since her three eldest children left. Enji had woken up in a bad mood, and begun to train Shouto at the crack of dawn. She’d had to listen to the sounds of his pain all morning; unable to do anything after Enji locked her out of the training-room.
Now, Enji’s doing paperwork in his in-home office, and she’d put Shouto down for a nap about an hour ago, and she’s exhausted.
It’s harder than she thought it would be, without Touya to help her with the chores- but no, he’s safe now. He’s happier. She did the right thing.
Rei knows that she needs something to calm herself; so, she puts on a kettle for tea. She thinks that maybe she also wants to talk to someone; her therapist had encouraged her that talking to people helps.
While the water’s heating up, she dials the number. “Mother?”
Her mother’s voice is abrupt, but not unkind. “What is it, Rei? How are you, since the children left?”
“I-” as much as she doesn’t want it to, her voice breaks. “I don’t know, Mother. It’s- it’s hard.”
Her mother sighs. “Rei, of course it’s hard. You sent three of your children away, and to be perfectly honest, I’m still not sure why you did that in the first place. It seems that-”
“Mother!” She doesn’t mean to snap, but it hurts, and the hurt needs somewhere to go. “Every day, it feels as though Shouto’s becoming more like him. I love him, but it hurts to look at him sometimes. His left side sometimes just looks unbearable to me, and- sometimes I think I just want to run away from this life.”
She won’t, of course. She can’t, because she'd promised herself and Touya that she'll take care of Shouto, and she’s seeing a therapist now, to help her with that, but it hurts when all that she can see is Enji, all that she can see is fury and fire and-
She doesn’t quite hear the person at first, but she catches a quiet, what are you saying?
Oh, no.
Someone’s caught her- someone’s heard her talking about wanting to leave and she can’t- she didn’t- the only people awake in the house are her and Enji and if he heard her talking about leaving then he’ll-
She turns around, and sees red hair and a blue eye and-
No, no, threat, no I didn’t mean it I-
It’s important for you to know that you should protect yourself too, Yukimura-san.
She’s dropped her phone and she’s panicking but she can hear the kettle whistling and it’s hot, it’s boiling. If she’s fast, if she can distract Enji temporarily, then she can find Shouto and they can run together, she must do it now.
She snatches up the kettle and grabs the red, awful red, hair, and pours boiling water on that horrible shade of blue.
It’s only when the water’s all gone that she takes a step back and hears crying.
Crying? But Enji doesn’t cry, he makes you cry, he makes Shouto cry-
She shakes her head- she must find Shouto now, they must run, they must-
Shouto’s on the ground, screaming and crying and clutching his face, and- why is he clutching his face?
She needs to help him, she needs to get him so that they can leave. She takes a step forward, arms outstretched, when a low growl comes from the kitchen door. “What have you done?”
She turns, and sees fire and fury and-
Something hits her in the face so hard that she goes flying backwards, and she blacks out.
______________________________
Rei wakes up in a room made up of four white walls, a white bed, a white table, and a window with an unfamiliar view.
Above her, where she lies on the bed, there’s a strange woman in a pale coat looking down at her. “Todoroki-san?”
That’s her, isn’t it? “Yes?”
“How are you feeling, Todoroki-san?”
“I-” she doesn’t know how she’s feeling. Her head certainly hurts, and her tongue feels dry, and- what is she doing here, again? How did she get here? Better question, where is she?
“You’re in the hospital, Todoroki-san. Don’t worry. You’ll be alright. We’ll take good care of you, I promise.”
“That’s- good.” It is good, she guesses. She still can’t remember why she’s in here, and figures that she should probably ask, but it’s good that they’ll take care-
Take care.
“Shouto!” She clutches the woman’s arm. “I- my baby- Shouto. I need to take care of him, I promised I’d take care of him, where is he, is he-”
The nurse’s (she’s sure that the woman’s probably a nurse) eye twitches, but she maintains a smile. “Do not worry, Todoroki-san. Shouto is being taken care of, I assure you. He is with his father, who is a great hero. Your son is perfectly safe.”
“I-” no, there’s something wrong with that, isn’t there? She was supposed to be the one taking care of Shouto, she’s supposed to be the one who-
But Shouto is Enji’s favorite, she remembers. She doesn’t remember much else right now; her head hurts and she can’t think properly through the fogginess, but- Enji would never seriously hurt him, right?
But still- “When can I see him?”
The nurse’s smile doesn’t waiver, but Rei can hear the woman suck in a sharp breath. “Hopefully soon, Todoroki-san. We hope that we can help you get better very soon, but it is important that you recover a bit before we can let you see him.”
That seems right, she thinks. It’s important for her to make sure that she’s alright too, right?
So, she nods at the nurse, and smiles. “Okay.”
The white door to her white room closes behind the woman, and Rei takes a deep breath.
Idly, she thinks that she rather likes the color white.