Archive of Our Own ^beta

With a whimper, Yibo comes for the second time that hour, slumping forward against Xiao Zhan’s collarbone. Xiao Zhan keeps going, thrusting upward into Yibo until he finally spills inside him. He doesn’t pull out right away and leaves his dick in just the way Yibo likes and circles his arms around Yibo. They cuddle like that in the afterglow as their frantic heartbeats slow and sweat and come cool on their skin.

His boyfriend nuzzles his temple as one hand languidly caresses his sweaty back. “You’re needy today,” Xiao Zhan observes fondly.

Of course. With Xiao Zhan’s business trip, Yibo hasn’t seen him in an entire two weeks. “We didn’t fuck for two weeks.”

Xiao Zhan laughs. “It’s not like we didn’t do anything for two weeks.”

They did message regularly and video-called a couple times, which included mutually jerking off to dirty talk. But only Xiao Zhan’s direct touch and presence can satiate Yibo.

“Too bad it’s going to be another while before I see you again,” Xiao Zhan says apologetically. “Ah-Lu and I are going to visit her family in Beijing for ten days. We’re leaving tomorrow afternoon actually—so I won’t be able to see you tomorrow.”

Yibo carefully doesn’t let his disbelief or disappointment show. Already usually reticent, he’s gotten even better at schooling his features to hide disappointment. Xiao Zhan just returned earlier this week, and Yibo was really looking forward to catching up on lost time together. When was Xiao Zhan going to tell him he was going away again? Did he keep this from him until now because he knew Yibo won’t be happy hearing the news?

He keeps his tone light, non-accusing. “Why didn’t you mention this earlier?” He doesn’t admit that he missed Xiao Zhan so much, more than he really should for only two weeks.

Xiao Zhan chuckles sheepishly. “I totally forgot about it until she reminded me just a few days ago that it’s this weekend we’re going away.” He presses some kisses to Yibo’s hair. “I’m sorry, sweetheart. You know I would love to spend more time with you. But I will call you as soon as we get back.”

Xiao Zhan always keeps his promises, which is something Yibo loves about him. But Yibo can’t look at him now, disappointment sour on his tongue.

Xiao Zhan is going with his wife to visit her parents for ten entire days. Many people can’t stand their in-laws, but Yibo can imagine Xiao Zhan being the perfect, filial son-in-law, the handsome, successful, and kind man every mother wants for her child. Yibo’s own mother would love him. Not that he’s told her he’s seeing anyone, but he knows she knows from her maternal instinct there is someone special in his life and is patiently waiting for Yibo to introduce his boyfriend to her one day. It’s never going to happen though because Yibo is not going to tell her he’s seeing a married man.

“Ah, I still need to pack for the trip, so I should really get going,” Xiao Zhan says conveniently, carefully shifting Yibo off his chest.

Again, Yibo wonders if he purposely left this until the end to drop to avoid a tantrum. But all he says is a nonchalant, “Traffic should be better now.”

Xiao Zhan gets dressed and gives him one last kiss before going. He leaves behind a miniature painted monkey on the nightstand, a cheap, gaudy souvenir from his business trip to India. He probably brought back a dozen to hand out to people and it’s not like he picked it up just for Yibo, so Yibo hates that even though it’s a meaningless trinket, Yibo would still treasure it because it’s from Xiao Zhan.

***

Yibo calls Xiao Zhan his boyfriend because it’s what Xiao Zhan calls him, but he sometimes wonders if Xiao Zhan is just too respectful to refer to him outright as a boytoy, someone fun to pass the time with and liven up the boring monotony of married life.

Whatever Yibo is to Xiao Zhan, at least he isn’t a dirty little secret. Yibo doesn’t know Xiao Zhan’s wife, but Xuan Lu knows everything about Yibo—has known about Yibo since the very beginning actually. Xiao Zhan has even sweetly told him Xuan Lu called him gorgeous when he showed her a picture of Yibo. That her husband is seeing someone on the side is not a problem because she herself is having a relationship with a man Xiao Zhan knows.

Both the same age, Xiao Zhan and Xuan Lu have been together since they were fifteen, and like perfect childhood sweethearts, married at twenty-one right after university. After years of being together and having only ever been with each other, they both agreed on an open marriage where they are free to date other people and experiment as long as they are honest with each other and prioritize their relationship above all else.

“We made vows to spend our lives together. That’s a very long time to be with just one person,” Xiao Zhan had pragmatically explained to Yibo once. “By the time we decided to have an open marriage, we’ve already been together for ten years. We’ve never even dated anyone else either. We were practically virgins at dating, freaking out over flirting with other people,” he laughed.

But when Yibo asked if they were worried at all about their marriage falling apart, Xiao Zhan had patiently explained, “A marriage is essentially an agreement to spend your life with someone and keep each other company. I married my best friend, and we’ll always have each other and be there for each other. We’re compatible and happy together. Why does it have to be monogamous?”

With a bond as secure as that, Yibo knows nothing can come between them, least of all himself. He has never come across a healthy open marriage before, but if ever one can work out, it is surely theirs. Xiao Zhan may not bring up Xuan Lu with Yibo knowing how uncomfortable talking about her makes him, but Yibo knows there are no secrets between them.

Yibo doesn’t know much about Xuan Lu besides that she, like him, loves to dance and used to be a ballerina. He pictures a sweet-faced, pixie-limbed woman, someone pretty and perfect who makes up half the ideal couple with Xiao Zhan. He can already tell from Xiao Zhan’s obvious love and respect for her that she is a lovely, kind person just like him. It’s clear they truly deserve each other.

They may carry on affairs with other people, but their marriage will always trump everything and they will always return to each other, that much is obvious. There is no use being bitter or jealous, though that doesn’t stop Yibo from feeling it at times.

Yibo is under no delusions that Xiao Zhan would ever leave her for him. Or that he could ever mean even a fraction of what she is to him.

***

Seungyoun raises his eyebrows when Yibo plops down at their booth. He looks like he wants to say something but from the face he quickly smooths over Yibo knows Wenhan had pre-emptively kicked him under the table. Yibo doesn’t know whether it’s better or worse that his friends feel they have to tiptoe around him and don’t dare ask him what’s going on.

He knows what they’re wondering: why is he here on a Friday night? They’ve gotten used to seeing him only on weekends—or, well, any day besides Thursday and Friday. Those days are his time with Xiao Zhan, and they all know that by now.

He answers the unspoken question, hating that they’re probably assuming the worst and worried about him. “Xiao Zhan came back, but he has to go away on another trip.”

Because they’ve all been friends for so long, they aren’t offended that Yibo is showing up to their get-together because, frankly, he got ditched last minute.

Wenhan urges Seungyoun to continue the funny tale he’s regaling, an obvious ploy to get Yibo’s mind off Xiao Zhan. It irritates Yibo that they assume he needs a distraction, or worse, cheering up. He tries to channel that he’s fine, really, that nothing’s wrong.

Then Sungjoo comes back to the table holding a pitcher of beer and multiple glasses and does a double take at seeing Yibo. “Whoa. Did something happen?”

Annoyed that they’d jump to that conclusion, Yibo snaps, “No. Why do you think that just because I showed up today? Everything’s fine. I saw Xiao Zhan yesterday. He has to leave again this afternoon for another trip.” He’s not going to tell his friends that his boyfriend is actually going away with his wife to visit her parents like the filial son-in-law he is. It’s bad enough it’s obvious to them he wasn’t informed about this plan earlier.

He hates that his friends have good reason to be concerned about him and his choice in partners.

Yixuan shows up then so Yibo shifts over to make space for him, and their focus turns to heckling him for not yet inviting them over to his new apartment even though they helped him move in.

***

Yibo first meets Xiao Zhan at a swanky hotel bar five months ago.

He isn’t really aiming to go home with anyone, just maybe flirt and enjoy the attention of other men. He never has to pay for his own drinks and it’s no different this time.

What is different though is that the man who approaches him is very handsome, better-looking than anyone he can remember meeting actually.

“Those earrings are lovely,” the man compliments him. It should be a line but he really sounds like he means it.

As Yibo checks him out, the man asks with a sweet smile, “Can I buy you a drink?” God, he has such a nice voice too, pleasant and gallant, the kind that gets casted for opera heroes.

Yibo gestures for the bartender and the stranger accepts the invitation to take the vacant barstool beside him. He’s tall and lean, all long, sharp lines. Yibo wants to lick his jawline.

The man offers up small talk, the standard “This is a nice place” and “Have you been here before?” Never much of a conversationalist, especially with people he hasn’t warmed up to, Yibo just nods along and gives nondescript answers while he admires the guy’s cheekbones.

It doesn’t take long for Yibo to make up his mind; he would be embarrassed at how easy he’s being but the attraction is definitely there. “No drink for yourself?” he asks when he’s halfway through his cocktail but the guy hasn’t ordered anything yet for himself.

“Oh no, I had one earlier, and I’m not much of a drinker,” he admits, a bit shyly. Yibo can feel himself won over a bit at that: what does such a tall, handsome guy have to be shy about?

That makes it easier then. Yibo tosses back the rest of his cocktail, showing off the elegant line of his throat and Adam’s apple.

It works because the guy exclaims before he can help himself, “You’re so beautiful.”

Yibo gives him a half-smirk, pleased. “You’re not too bad yourself.” Intentionally, he sets his now empty glass down on the bar top. “I’m done. Want to get out of here?”

The guy actually blushes at his directness and suddenly looks caught between enthusiastic agreement and awkward hesitation. “Um, I would love to, but I think you should know that I’m married. But we’re in an open marriage, so it’s not like this is behind her back or anything! Just in case you, uh, have a problem with it.”

That should put someone off, and Yibo does feel some disappointment, but the attraction is still strong. He glances down at the thin strip of paler skin on the man’s ring finger.

This actually isn’t the first time a married man has hit on him. He knows he’s got the whole pretty young boytoy vibe going. But it is the first time he’s actually reciprocating a married man’s interest.

If it’s true his wife knows and is fine with it, then what the hell if he’s married. And if it’s not true, well, Yibo won’t see him again after tonight anyway.

They go back to Yibo’s place, which is a first because Yibo always goes to others’ so he can take off whenever he feels like it. They can barely keep their hands off each other all throughout the cab ride and up to Yibo’s loft, though Xiao Zhan, although obviously into it, is a bit awkward at first. Yibo can tell it’s his first time with a guy from how careful and attentive he’s being, like Yibo is a girl who needs to be caressed in foreplay.

Yibo shows him that’s not the case by quickly working himself open with lots of lube, his eyes locked on Xiao Zhan’s the entire time. Xiao Zhan looks captivated all throughout, especially when Yibo, using just his mouth, pops a condom on his nicely-sized dick and rolls it down. Obviously, his wife can’t do that.

Then Yibo climbs on top and rides him hard and fast, showing off a lifetime of dance training with his relentless pace and the fluid way he rolls his hips. Afterwards lying side by side, he smiles smugly at how he’s obviously blown Xiao Zhan’s mind.

The sex is good enough that he doesn’t kick Xiao Zhan out right after, and his decision turns out to be the right one in the morning when Xiao Zhan takes his dick into his mouth. It’s obviously not one of the better blow jobs Yibo has received but Xiao Zhan makes up for it with enthusiasm and lots of sucking and actually swallows when Yibo comes in his mouth. Then he proceeds to fuck Yibo senseless and makes him come a second time all before breakfast.

When Xiao Zhan is putting on his pants to leave, Yibo coyly takes his phone and makes a show of entering his number into it. He’ll leave the choice up to Xiao Zhan, but he really wouldn’t mind having the man plough him again.

It’s a great night with undeniable chemistry but Yibo forgets about him after, so it comes as a surprise when he gets a text a while later asking him out on a date. At first, Yibo assumes by “date,” Xiao Zhan means coming over for several rounds of fucking, which he is more than enthusiastic about. So he is taken by surprise when Xiao Zhan actually takes him out to dinner at a proper restaurant, the kind with tablecloths and real lit candles, and is further surprised at how easily he makes him laugh.

Never one to warm up to people quickly, Yibo finds himself hitting it off naturally with Xiao Zhan—probably influenced by how handsome the guy is. Xiao Zhan, aside from being very enthusiastic about giving Yibo orgasms (and well hung), turns out to be very sweet company, so of course Yibo keeps him around. It isn’t long before they are meeting every week for mind-blowing sex. Yibo teaches him how he likes it and Xiao Zhan delivers. Vigorously.

Sometimes Yibo thinks that of course Xiao Zhan has to be married. He is too perfect otherwise, and no one can be that perfect—that handsome, kind, and so genuinely good—without something wrong. If anything, being married isn’t a major character defect, so all things considered, Xiao Zhan’s flaw doesn’t actually detract from who he is as a person. It only makes him unavailable, but he gives Yibo his dick enough on the regular that Yibo can’t complain about lack of attention or not accommodating his needs.

From the beginning, Xiao Zhan has never lied to Yibo about his status, never purposely tricked him or strung him along. Likewise, Yibo has gone into this with eyes wide open. So he has no one to blame but himself for falling too hard for someone he knows was never within reach.

***

It doesn’t take long for Yibo to develop feelings for Xiao Zhan despite knowing better.

To be fair, Xiao Zhan is quite perfect and it’s easy for people to fall for him: the popular student council president in school, the talented choir star with a voice of gold, the bright, charismatic professional at work. It’s natural to like and admire him, someone so handsome, kind, well-spoken, and respectful to everyone. Yibo can picture him receiving many love confessions throughout his life and Xuan Lu being the target of much envy. Yibo is far from the only one who wants more of Xiao Zhan than he can give.

Xiao Zhan is easy to love, and with how good and sweet he is to Yibo, Yibo never stood a chance. Before Yibo knows it, Xiao Zhan has taken up residence in his heart, the first person to do so.

And he knows Xiao Zhan cares about him too, maybe even loves him a little. But that is nothing to triumph over. Xiao Zhan, being as good and kind as he is, has a big heart and cares about everyone in his life. Yibo doesn’t doubt that there is a place for him in Xiao Zhan’s heart, even if it’s a small corner vastly dwarfed by the space for his wife and everyone else.

Of course, Yibo wants more though. It’s not like he hasn’t tried either. Yibo is very hardworking, especially when it comes to pursuing what really matters. But every time he’s tried to enlarge the sphere of his relationship with Xiao Zhan, Xiao Zhan has firmly maintained the status quo. When Yibo had pushed for more once, Xiao Zhan became so uncomfortable and withdrawn and uttered the last words Yibo wanted to hear—“Maybe this isn’t working out. Maybe you should see other people.”—that Yibo never dared toe the line after that.

Instead, he learns to bite his tongue when it comes to asking for more, which is unnatural for him because he’s always been blunt. He pushes down his jealousy because bitterness is unattractive and off-putting and he doesn’t want to sour his brief, limited moments with Xiao Zhan. He knows he should be grateful he even has a piece of Xiao Zhan’s heart. Not bitter that it’s not enough and not jealous that, no matter how good he is to Xiao Zhan or what he does for him, others will always have a larger share of his love.

Yibo learns his place in this affair enough to no longer judge others who get involved with married people. He used to think they are awful people for ruining a good, happy marriage or just stupid for being strung along by false promises, fooling themselves that their lover would eventually leave their spouse for them when they haven’t done so yet. Now he understands that not every affair is born from a bad or unhappy marriage and not every third party is shameful or dumb. Just in love and forced to compromise with their situation. Of course, they want to be with the one they love but not everyone can be a winner at love, so if this is all they can get, some are willing to take it.

Yibo learns that it is a choice: this is the situation and the only options are take it or leave it. Some people still take it, choosing love even though they know they’re getting the worse deal, sacrificing pride and dreams for stolen moments and pockets of happiness scrounged up here and there. In his case, Xuan Lu can have first dibs on Xiao Zhan and Yibo will satisfy himself with the leftovers, if any.

The most sacred thing one person can give another is their time. If all Yibo can have are these precious few hours a week with Xiao Zhan, he already knows he’ll take it.

***

Xiao Zhan, of course, doesn’t text him the ten days he’s away with his wife visiting her parents. Yibo knows better than to take it personally.

It still makes him kind of lonely not having any communication with him though. Even when Xiao Zhan was away on business, they still texted or sent sweet voice messages. Now Yibo only has old texts to reread to keep him company at night.

Yibo also knows better than to text him, but when he’s lying in bed staring at his phone at the end of the day, it’s so tempting to shoot off a simple How is your stay going? or even Good night Zhanzhan. He wonders if Xiao Zhan would even answer, if he would be embarrassed if his in-laws saw a text from Yibo on his phone, even an innocent one, how he would explain Yibo away to them. Mostly, he wonders if Xiao Zhan thinks of him at all over the course of ten days.

It’s futile dwelling on these things, so he busies himself with his job, develops choreography for his classes well in advance of schedule, even covers a Friday class for a colleague, and hangs out with his friends who are too kind to point out that he’s spending more time with them now that his boyfriend is out of the picture.

Just as he said he would, Xiao Zhan texts him as soon as they return. Yibo is still feeling a bit upset that he doesn’t answer right away.

Xiao Zhan calls him that night after not getting a reply the whole day. “Darling, we just got back this afternoon,” he says sweetly, smile evident in his voice. “I missed you.”

And just like that, Yibo’s resentment melts away at his honest admission. “I missed you too, Zhanzhan. You didn’t call me or text me at all for ten days,” he says accusingly, letting his pout over being ignored for a week and a half come through in his voice.

“I’m sorry, baby. We were with family all day and all night. They wanted to take us out all the time. We couldn’t get away for even an hour,” he moans. “At least now we don’t have to see them until New Year.”

“Is that any way for a filial son-in-law to behave?” Yibo teases him.

“Oh, I’m already a lost cause. Eight years of marriage and still no babies to give them?” Xiao Zhan jokes.

Immediately, Yibo’s mood sours at the mention of children and Xiao Zhan’s filial duties, and he regrets bringing up the subject. Neither Xiao Zhan nor Xuan Lu want children, much to their parents’ consternation. But that is just for now anyway, Yibo’s mind nastily supplies.

“What about you, sweetheart? Have you been well while I was away?” Xiao Zhan asks, soft and caring.

“I’ve been fine,” Yibo says a bit tightly. “Just been busy with work.” Then quickly adds so it doesn’t seem like he has no life outside of Xiao Zhan, “And hung out with my friends.”

“How are they?” Xiao Zhan politely inquires like he actually cares.

Yibo isn’t going to say, They don’t like you—they hate you actually even though they’ve never met you. They only put up with you because they know I’m so in love with you and can’t wait until I come to my senses.

Instead, he says, “Wenhan’s still pissed off we ganged up on him in paintball last week,” and shares his friends’ latest shenanigans.

Whether he’s genuinely interested or not, Xiao Zhan makes appropriate noises as Yibo goes along. “They mean a lot to you,” he says.

“They do. I’ve known them since I was fifteen when I studied abroad in South Korea for a few years. They’ve always been there for me.”

“Can I meet them one day?”

The request catches Yibo off-guard. “Why?” slips out before he can rephrase it less suspiciously.

“Because they’re an important part of your life,” Xiao Zhan says like it’s obvious. Like it’s normal and not weird at all that a married guy wants to be more involved in his boyfriend’s life and get to know his inner circle.

“Um.” That would be awkward as fuck, Yibo doesn’t say. Instead, he says, “Do you expect me to meet your wife and friends?”

“Only if you want to,” Xiao Zhan says lightly. “Ah-Lu would love to meet you. God knows I talk about you to her enough.” Yibo does not need another reminder of how secure they are in their relationship that they’re above jealousy and keeping secrets.

“What about your friends? Would you really introduce me to them as your ‘boyfriend’?” It comes out a bit too bitter for his liking.

“It’s what you are to me. I am not going to lie about you to them,” Xiao Zhan says, so good and honest that he’s a bit affronted at the suggestion. “Besides, we’ve been upfront about our open marriage—though our parents definitely don’t need to know.”

Yibo doesn’t want to get into this now. “I usually see my friends on the weekends.” Because he’s always with Xiao Zhan on Thursdays and Fridays. “Which is when you’re busy. So it won’t work.”

“About that. I’ve been thinking…” Xiao Zhan pauses. “Would you like to take a weekend trip with me?”

Yibo thinks he’s misheard. “What?”

“Come away with me. For a weekend,” Xiao Zhan reiterates patiently. “We can go wherever you want, I don’t care. I just want to be with you. We can catch up on all the time we missed apart.”

Mere weeks ago, this would’ve elated Yibo. It’s all he wants: uninterrupted alone time with Xiao Zhan where he doesn’t have to think about the minutes ticking down from Thursday evening to Saturday morning. Now he knows better than to get his hopes up.

“Don’t you have to be with your wife on the weekend?” Their relationship has always been limited to Thursdays and Fridays because Xiao Zhan and Xuan Lu have agreed that weekends will be their time together. From what Yibo knows, Xuan Lu only sees her boyfriend two days during the week as well.

“Well, we just spent ten days together. And before that I was in India for two weeks. I barely got to see you in almost a month and I miss you.”

Yibo missed Xiao Zhan terribly as well. He didn’t think Xiao Zhan missed him half as much as he did. Which is why he lets himself give in. “Me too. Okay, let’s go somewhere, just the two of us.”

Even through the phone, Yibo can hear the happiness shine through Xiao Zhan’s voice. “Great! How about I pick you up from work on Friday and then I can drop you off at your place Sunday evening?”

He means this weekend? Yibo actually has plans this Saturday; they’re having a paintball rematch after Wenhan wouldn’t quit whining. But he only got to see Xiao Zhan once in four weeks and just wants to curl up against him and bask in his company.

God, it’s really pathetic that he would drop everything at Xiao Zhan’s every beck and call. He knows he’s lucky to have such solid friends who mind less that Yibo is ditching them and more about the person he’s ditching them for.

“Okay,” he says anyway, unable to turn down any chance of being with Xiao Zhan.

“Where would you like to go?”

Yibo has actually fantasized what he would do if he had hours on end to spend with Xiao Zhan, but none of that matters now. He’s happy to go anywhere, do anything. “Let’s not go too far. Maybe somewhere quiet by water.”

***

That Friday Cheng Xiao teases Yibo for being antsy all day and watches him practically bounce out the dance studio when Xiao Zhan’s car arrives. If Yibo has any lingering doubts Xiao Zhan missed him, it dissipates from the way Xiao Zhan kisses him like a drowning man as soon as he gets in the car. The tightness around Xiao Zhan’s eyes and mouth tell him Xiao Zhan apparently needs this break just as much.

“I’ve been looking forward to seeing you all week, baby,” Xiao Zhan breathes out against Yibo’s neck.

It’s sweet, honest comments like these that reel Yibo right back in whenever he works himself up to leaving this affair.

“Me too, Zhanzhan,” Yibo admits, just as honest.

It’s a few hours’ drive out of Shanghai to the picturesque water town where Xiao Zhan rented a cottage for the weekend. Even though they haven’t eaten anything for dinner yet, the first thing they do once settled in is to pounce on each other. Xiao Zhan tackles Yibo onto the bed, mouth devouring his, and their clothes aren’t even completely off before he’s hiking up Yibo’s leg and pressing lube-coated fingers inside him. Yibo gets fucked on his back, one leg over Xiao Zhan’s shoulder, because Xiao Zhan after so long missed seeing his beautiful face when he orgasms. It’s convenient they got a private cottage and not a hotel room because a lot of people would be pissed off from all the lewd noises they make and the endless banging of the bed against the wall.

As with typical lovers on vacation, they sleep in and spend the morning lazily making love. Yibo comes the first time to Xiao Zhan languidly eating him out and is still loose from last night when Xiao Zhan slips his dick inside. Only when it is officially past noon does Xiao Zhan insist on leaving bed and whips up some breakfast for them in their fully-stocked kitchen.

Yibo is perfectly happy to not leave their accommodation for two days, but Xiao Zhan actually wants to go out and explore the quaint town. Xiao Zhan turns out to be an utter tourist, stopping to admire every scenic view, his inner art lover taking over, and snapping photos of everything, even changing lenses when required much to Yibo’s exasperation.

To be fair, some scenes really are stunning, looking right out of a Chinese painting with willows bowing gracefully over canals and arching bridges. Yibo turns from a view to catch Xiao Zhan smiling at him.

“Got the picture?” he asks, ready to move on.

“Yes. You’re so breathtaking, you know? You’re the most beautiful scenery in this lifetime,” Xiao Zhan says so earnestly Yibo has turn his face away, embarrassed but pleased at the lovely compliment.

Oh God, Xiao Zhan is such a sap. “Don’t tell me you made that up.”

“It’s from a song,” Xiao Zhan says, playfully poking him. “You would know if you listened to more than that Western rap you like so much.”  

Yibo doesn’t bother defending his taste in music because Xiao Zhan takes his hand again and they finish strolling through antiquated bridges and canals. In the marketplace, Xiao Zhan is so adorable pointing out overpriced souvenir trinkets that Yibo forgives him for being such an embarrassing tourist.

One vendor, knowing a sucker when he sees one, waves a modest bouquet at Xiao Zhan. “Flowers for your sweetheart?” he asks. Xiao Zhan actually reaches for his wallet before Yibo drags him away.

Hand in hand, strolling like lovers, Yibo feels his heart float with lightness and joy. It is moments like this that make all the difficulties and sacrifices of being with Xiao Zhan worth it.

In the evening, the humid summer heat cools down to a pleasant breeze and they wind down with an outdoor dinner at a canalside eatery. Yibo can’t remember the last time he has felt this light and relaxed, so far removed from life’s troubles. Xiao Zhan is wearing a soft smile, mirroring the contentment Yibo feels in his heart. The day has been nothing short of perfect, maybe even the most perfect in Yibo’s life so far. He just wants to stay like this forever, hang on permanently to this nice, easy feeling that all is right with the world.

I love you, Yibo wants to declare out loud into the warm evening air. I love you so much.

After their plates are cleared, Xiao Zhan’s phone goes off. Yibo pays no mind as Xiao Zhan excuses himself to answer the call. But when he returns, he’s ashen-faced.

“It’s Ah-Lu. Her father collapsed earlier this evening. He’s in the hospital right now.”

Yibo is alarmed even as he feels his stomach sink. Of course. This day has been too perfect. Something has to go wrong.

“Is he okay?” He sits up, signalling for their bill.

“He has heart murmurs. This isn’t the first time he’s been hospitalized,” Xiao Zhan mumbles.

They pay and briskly make their way back to their accommodation. Xiao Zhan is so distraught he haphazardly shoves their things into their weekender bag, the opposite of his usual careful way of handling things. Within an hour of receiving the phone call, they are peeling away from the cottage driveway, Yibo behind the wheel and Xiao Zhan distracted by his phone.

They’re back in the metropolis just after midnight. Xiao Zhan spends the ride alternating calling and texting but calms down enough by the time they get to Yibo’s area of the city.

“Are you going to fly back to Beijing?” Yibo asks when they’re finally standing in front of his apartment building.

“If he gets worse. But it may just be Ah-Lu going until I can take the time off work.” Before getting into the driver’s seat, Xiao Zhan gives Yibo a perfunctory peck on the lips, mind obviously elsewhere. He guns the engine before Yibo even takes a step toward the building.

Less than thirty-six hours since excitedly embarking on what was supposed to be a romantic getaway with the man he’s in love with, Yibo finds himself alone back at his apartment while his boyfriend rushes off to his wife.

***

Yibo doesn’t hear from Xiao Zhan for days after, so it’s probably bad news.

When he doesn’t receive anything by Thursday when they usually meet, Yibo finally texts him, How is your father-in-law doing? Are you okay?

Xiao Zhan doesn’t respond. Which must mean it’s bad. Chest tight, Yibo wonders if Xiao Zhan’s father-in-law is on his deathbed. Or maybe he’s already passed away and they’re grieving and dealing with funeral arrangements.

When Xiao Zhan’s text finally comes early Friday morning, Yibo is both relieved and furious.

He’s fine now. Got discharged a couple days ago, is the curt response.

Yibo can’t believe Xiao Zhan didn’t message him this earlier. He was worried that Xiao Zhan may have to go through losing a parent.

Why didn’t you tell me earlier? I thought the worst could have happened.

Xiao Zhan’s response leaves him feeling cold and brushed off. Sorry, had a lot on my mind. The last few days have been hard for Ah-Lu and I, but her father is now recovered and safe back home.

Of course, he had a lot on his mind with a loved one undergoing an emergency, but the least he could’ve done was inform Yibo.

I was worried for your sake, Yibo texts him, pissed off. I couldn’t stop thinking of you. The least you could do is drop me a line to tell me everything is okay now.

It is hours before Xiao Zhan replies. Sorry, but it’s a family matter. It doesn’t have anything to do with you.

Yibo feels like he’s been slapped. Here he was worrying about Xiao Zhan going through mourning, and Xiao Zhan has the audacity to brusquely say it’s none of his business?

He doesn’t grace Xiao Zhan with a response. Xiao Zhan calls him a couple times but he declines them all, partially out of anger and partially out of genuine hurt that Xiao Zhan had so crudely shut him out of his life.

Eventually, Xiao Zhan clues in that Yibo is upset with him and sends him multiple texts. Yibo leaves them all on read.

Baby, I’m sorry that I didn’t let you know earlier. I appreciate your concern. I really do.

Can we talk about this over the phone please?

Okay, if you don’t want to talk, I can explain myself in text.

I know it came out rude earlier, but I just meant that you don’t need to be burdened with this. Ah-Lu and I have been dealing with some family drama these couple days, and I didn’t want to drag you into this.

I know that sounds like I’m making excuses. Actually, we’ve been under a lot of stress lately. Her parents really want grandchildren, and with what happened this weekend, they’re really stepping up the pressure.

And just like that, Yibo’s biggest fear commences. What if Xiao Zhan and Xuan Lu decide to focus on their marriage and take the next step into starting a family? That will be the end of Yibo and Xiao Zhan.

But it’s not like this thing between them ever had a future anyway. Yibo has known from the start that this was doomed. But being with Xiao Zhan is just so pleasant and makes him so happy, and if all concerned parties are fully aware and consent to this affair, they’re not harming anybody or doing anything unethical. The only casualty will be Yibo’s heart in the long run, but Yibo has never let the risk of pain stop him from pursuing thrill and joy to the fullest. Yibo can deal with the problems later after he has soaked up as much of Xiao Zhan as he can get in the meantime.

Now feeling more sick to his stomach than angry, Yibo doesn’t reply.

Darling, can we please talk about this on the phone?

I didn’t want to bring this up with you precisely because I knew you’d be upset.

Oh, so now it’s his fault that Xiao Zhan didn’t tell him this?

I haven’t been in the best of moods the last few days. I could’ve handled that better. I’m really sorry. I know you were just being caring and I shouldn’t have worried you unnecessarily.

In a fight, Yibo can outlast Xiao Zhan any day. But he finds he’s giving Xiao Zhan the cold shoulder less out of spite and more to save himself from further disappointment.

***

Xiao Zhan keeps trying to call him and sends him texts apologizing into the following week. By that point, Yibo isn’t pissed off anymore, just disappointed. Xiao Zhan’s messages peter off, probably as he gets bogged down with work as the week progresses.

Yibo is just resigning himself to another week passing without seeing Xiao Zhan when it strikes him that Xiao Zhan hasn’t texted him for an entire day. They text regularly, even if they only see each other twice a week.

Well, he’s not going to crack, especially not now when Xiao Zhan stopped paying attention to him. So he resists checking his phone, and when he catches himself looking to see if Xiao Zhan has messaged him, he resolutely puts his phone face down and focuses his attention elsewhere.

When Xiao Zhan still has not texted him by Saturday morning, an entire week after Yibo stopped speaking to him, Yibo starts to suspect something is up.

Has his father-in-law taken a turn for the worse after all? Or maybe he’s too wrapped up with work now that his design company is branching out into India that he’s even forgotten to eat, let alone text others.

Or maybe Yibo is just making excuses because that’s more preferable than Xiao Zhan not thinking of him at all.

He checks his phone. The last message he got from Xiao Zhan came on Wednesday afternoon, three whole days ago.

Finally swallowing his pride, he reaches out to Xiao Zhan, You working on a Saturday?

No reply comes throughout the afternoon and into the evening. When he checks, the message hasn’t even been read.

Now concerned, he calls Xiao Zhan. It goes all the way to voicemail and does so again when he tries a second and third time later.

Has his number been blocked? But fight or not, it shouldn’t make Xiao Zhan actually block him. It’s more likely his phone is off.

But why would his phone be off?

Well, the most obvious and rational reason is his phone died and he hasn’t charged it yet.

There is no need to panic.

But Xiao Zhan still doesn’t check his phone and Yibo’s message remains unread all throughout the weekend and into the next week.

Twenty-two unanswered calls later, something is definitely wrong. But what should Yibo do? He can’t just show up at Xiao Zhan’s house—he’s never been there or even knows the address because they’ve always spent their time at Yibo’s place. Xiao Zhan’s residence is Xuan Lu’s territory and Yibo does not need to see how perfect and lovely their home is, how different from his cheap, messy loft where he sometimes can’t be bothered to tidy up his things on the floor.

He does know where Xiao Zhan’s office is though. But Xiao Zhan works at a large media and design corporation with hundreds of employees in one building. Security will be on him if he were to lurk outside scanning people going in and out like a stalker, but he could always inquire at the front desk for Xiao Zhan.

Mind made up, he resolves to go to Xiao Zhan’s office building first thing the next morning. Then all of a sudden, he no longer needs to.

When his phone goes off, he’s in the middle of microwaving leftovers and thinks it’s his mother because she’s the only person who calls him. He fishes his phone out of his pocket and answers without even looking.

And almost drops his phone when Xiao Zhan’s voice comes on the line. “Hello, baby. How are you?” He sounds soft and weary.

Too relieved to stay angry, Yibo says, “I was so worried about you. Why didn’t you answer my calls? What happened?”

“I am in the hospital right now. I’ve been here for a few days due to an incident with burnout, but I’m feeling better now,” Xiao Zhan explains.

“You overworked yourself and collapsed from exhaustion,” Yibo interprets, incredulous. “Why do you work so much?”

“It’s not just work. And it’s only busier now because of the expansion plans taking place. But it’s also family issues, and other stuff that’s not worth getting you involved.”

There it is again: Xiao Zhan cutting Yibo out of his life. Fighting down anger, Yibo demands, “How long have you been in the hospital?”

“Just a few days. I should be discharged soon, hopefully tomorrow.”

“I’m coming to see you now,” Yibo insists, leaving no space for argument. “Text me where you’re staying.”

Within half an hour, he is scanning for Xiao Zhan’s room down the hospital hallway. When he enters, there is already a man visiting Xiao Zhan who is propped up on the hospital bed.

“I’m going to let Ah-Lu know how you’re doing,” the man excuses himself on seeing Yibo. He seems to recognize Yibo, which makes Yibo’s jaw tighten at how people in Xiao Zhan’s life know about him yet he knows no one.

“Thanks, Yuchen,” Xiao Zhan says gratefully, and Yuchen closes the door behind him.

Once alone, Yibo falls to the chair beside Xiao Zhan’s bed. He gives Xiao Zhan a sweet kiss on the mouth because he hasn’t seen him in weeks, then slaps Xiao Zhan across the cheek, though without full force because he’s not mean enough to hurt a man in a hospital bed, even one without regard for his own health.

“Ow, I suppose I deserve that,” Xiao Zhan says, rubbing his face.

“Why didn’t you tell me earlier? I called you over twenty times,” Yibo hisses.

Xiao Zhan gives him a sheepish smile. “They wouldn’t give me my phone. They were worried I’d just end up working again. Yuchen snuck it out to me actually.”

That makes sense. But it still doesn’t excuse how everyone seems to know but him.

Yibo is tired of always being the last to know, of being cut out of the loop. He’s sick of always finding out things about Xiao Zhan’s life after the fact, after everyone relevant has been consulted and played their parts. Yibo isn’t even worth being informed.

Just how low does Yibo rank in Xiao Zhan’s life? He’s always known he’s not number one, or even in the top five because those surely belong to Xiao Zhan’s family. But when even Xiao Zhan’s friends know about this before Yibo, isn’t that revealing just how unimportant, how redundant, Yibo is to Xiao Zhan?

Yibo feels so foolish now, panicking at the news of Xiao Zhan falling ill and rushing over here to see him, when Yibo isn’t even important enough to be told this earlier. It’s even worse because to Yibo, Xiao Zhan does rank first, more than his family and friends, even without trying. Xiao Zhan is all he can think about and care about these days.

And now it’s clear that no matter how good Yibo is to Xiao Zhan, how well he treats him or pleases him, he’s not even on the same standing as Xiao Zhan’s friends. Yibo can give Xiao Zhan everything, but to Xiao Zhan, others will always come before Yibo. Xiao Zhan had dropped him and rushed off as soon as someone important was in trouble, after all. Yibo doesn’t mean anything more than just a good way to pass the time, and when duty calls, Yibo will be abandoned for what matters.

He shouldn’t have come here after all.

Yibo can feel stinging in the back of his eyes, but he’s not going to let Xiao Zhan off the hook, even if he’ll regret hearing the answer. Straight to the point, he asks, “How come everyone knows what happened except for me?”

“I’m sorry, baby. It happened at work, and my office called Ah-Lu when I was sent to the hospital. She took care of everything while the doctors dealt with me.”

Of course, Xuan Lu wouldn’t think of him to notify, or have his contact number even she did. Yibo is not a part of their life. He’s just a pleasant distraction for a few hours a week for her husband, even though Xiao Zhan and those glorious handful of hours have come to mean the world to him.

“When your father-in-law had his emergency, I was worried. I was afraid maybe you lost him when you didn’t update me. I know I have nothing to do with him, but I couldn’t stop thinking that you have to go through something awful. So of course, when you couldn’t even bother to let me know he’s fine, I was pissed off. And then when I didn’t hear from you for days, I thought something had happened to you and I was worried about you. I was even ready to go to your work to find out what happened to you. But that’d be worse for you, wouldn’t it? Your boytoy outing your affair to the whole office?” he spits out the last part nastily. “It’d be better for you if I just shut up, didn’t ask questions, and didn’t give you trouble, right?”

“Sweetheart,” Xiao Zhan starts, sounding hurt, as if Yibo is being unfair.

Yibo blinks back tears, though it’s too late because Xiao Zhan reaches out a hand to his cheek. Yibo bats his arm away. If he lets Xiao Zhan comfort him now, he knows he’s just going to lose his resolve.

“Tell me,” he orders Xiao Zhan, “what’s been going on in your life. Stop keeping things from me.”

Xiao Zhan visibly closes off. “I’m sorry you feel left out. But it’s really not worth concerning yourself with. I’ve just been really busy with work and not sleeping much lately, and with family issues on top of that—”

Yibo has had enough. “Why won’t you just tell me?! Stop saying I don’t need to know. I want to know. Why can’t you just tell me? Why do you have to cut me out of your life?” The tears are streaming down his face now, so he rubs his sleeve over his probably red, blotchy face but doesn’t look away Xiao Zhan.

“It’s just family drama. I really don’t want to burden you with it.”

“You know, it sounds like it’s not because you don’t want to burden me with it. You just don’t think I matter enough to be told. Why do I even bother with you? I should just leave you and forget about you,” Yibo muses out loud in spite, though it’s an empty threat. Even with his heart breaking, the idea of walking away from Xiao Zhan and never seeing him again is unbearable.

Xiao Zhan’s gaze drops to the bedsheet.

“Maybe you should,” he murmurs.

What? Yibo wouldn’t believe his ears if he weren’t already so heartbroken now. “Do you want me to leave?” You’d rather let me go than let me in?

Am I really so unworthy of being let into your life?

“I want you to do what you want. I would never force you to stay if you don’t want to,” Xiao Zhan says honestly. But that’s not what Yibo is asking.

“Do you want me to leave?” Yibo repeats.

“Sweetheart, I want you to do what is right for you,” Xiao Zhan says, avoiding his eyes. “You should—” he falters, then regains his composure. “You should be with someone who can give you what I can’t.”

Well, there is his answer. Xiao Zhan will never share his life with Yibo. Yibo will always just be a sidepiece, someone nice to pass some time with, but not important enough to share what really matters. Instead, Xiao Zhan is making it clear that Yibo should find someone who can value him and give him what Xiao Zhan has already promised someone else.

What’s worse is that Yibo knows he’s right, knows he should find someone available who can value him and love him back. But he doesn’t want anyone else other than Xiao Zhan.

“Do you want me to leave?” he chokes out miserably one final time.

Ask me to stay, he pleads. Just ask me and I will. I’ll put up with anything.

He’s already put up with so much, even sacrificed having a normal relationship, just for the handful of hours a week and scraps of affection he gets from Xiao Zhan. He knows what he’s getting and has long accepted it; Xiao Zhan has never lied to him or made false promises. More than anything, he wants to keep being with Xiao Zhan, even if it’s only as his whore. He doesn’t need his pride. Pride won’t make him happy the way being with Xiao Zhan makes him happy.

But he already knows the answer even as he desperately prays Xiao Zhan would speak the contrary, because his heart is breaking and he doesn’t think it has ever hurt more before.

Xiao Zhan remains silent, still averting his gaze.

This is not at all what Yibo expected would happen when he arrived at the hospital. He scrubs his face with his sleeve as he stands up from the bedside chair and exits the hospital room. He hates others seeing him cry, so to make everything worse, standing some distance away from the door is the man who was with Xiao Zhan earlier and a woman, both looking anxious.

With immediate certainty, Yibo knows who she is even though he’s never seen her before. Xuan Lu is pretty and slight, just like he imagined her to be. But if this were any other time, Yibo might have felt a shred of vain pleasure that, between the two of them, he’s better-looking. Instead, Yibo just feels hollow, because she’s won without even trying—or more accurately, he had never been competition in the first place.

Just Yibo’s luck that the exit is in their direction so he has to walk past them in shame, his tear-stricken face clear on display. They’ve noticed him too so he can’t just turn around and pretend to go the other way.

Eyes straight ahead, he stalks wordlessly past them, knowing he’ll never see them again anyway.

***

It’s a miracle Yibo doesn’t get into any accidents on his way back to his loft. When he enters, the now cold leftovers he was heating up earlier greets him. He tosses it in the garbage, stomach too knotted for food, then stuffs some clothes into a duffle bag and heads back out to his motorcycle.

By the time Yibo knocks on Yixuan’s apartment door, the tears have mostly dried though his face is shiny with tear tracks.

“Xuan-ge,” he mumbles the way he did when he was fifteen and pitiful when the door opens. But to his dismay, it’s Yixuan’s girlfriend who answers, and he is embarrassed for intruding. Before he can apologize and get lost though, she’s making her excuses and kissing Yixuan goodbye to go home, leaving them alone.

Ever the big brother in their group, Yixuan always knows how to take care of them. He takes one look at Yibo’s swollen red eyes and doesn’t ask what happened. He knows Yibo well enough to know Yibo doesn’t want to talk about it, so he just wordlessly hands Yibo the TV remote and digs out his prized imported whiskey and asks Yibo if he’s eaten and would like some instant noodles or dumplings instead.

Despite his lack of appetite, Yibo opts for instant noodles. It’s not the best breakup food but Yixuan doesn’t have worse junk food. He also must look really pathetic if Yixuan settles in beside him on the couch and lets him put on old episodes of Naruto in lieu of talking.

***

Yibo mopes at Yixuan’s the following days, spending his time when he gets home from the dance studio slumped on Yixuan’s couch. Yixuan, of course, witnesses his despair, but, like the wonderful, caring big brother he is, doesn’t push, just distracts Yibo with anime marathons and FPS and fighting games even though he sucks at them. Yibo knows he’s informed the others by now and they’re probably speculating behind his back what happened down to the last detail, but they haven’t outright asked yet and he’s not going to bring it up yet. He doesn’t want to see them try to hide their relief when they learn the truth, though they’re too kind to say “I told you so.”

Even though he knows he’s being a loser, he keeps checking his phone for messages from Xiao Zhan, desperate for any word from him. He wants Xiao Zhan to apologize, to explain himself, to chase after him, to beg him to stay, to indicate that he cares even an ounce about Yibo and doesn’t want to lose him.

One word and Yibo would forgive him and return to him no matter how pathetic that makes him. He’d throw away his self-respect and go back to being his weekday whore and know better next time than to push boundaries and ask for what is beyond his. He’ll be good and hold his tongue and settle for those wondrous few hours when Xiao Zhan is his. The rest of the time he will live his own life and let Xiao Zhan live his with his wife and won’t burden him with his wants and demands. Even if what little Yibo gets will never be enough, it is still better than nothing at all.

He desperately waits, praying for Xiao Zhan to reach out to him, to not let him go. Even if Yibo knows now how low he ranks in Xiao Zhan’s life, surely Xiao Zhan would still keep him around. Surely, even if Yibo is not worth informing about his life, Yibo is worth at the very least two words: don’t leave.

But the deep, intuitive part of him already knows Xiao Zhan won’t come after him. It’s over. Their entire relationship has always been premised on Yibo staying, not Xiao Zhan asking him to. That same intuitive part has known from the start this would never end well for his heart no matter how good he is to Xiao Zhan and how much he tries to change the inevitable.

So he cries silently into Yixuan’s spare pillow at night and, even though it hurts, thinks about Xiao Zhan. If he’s out of the hospital yet, if he’s learned his lesson about physical limits or if he’s right back working unsustainable hours. In his more torturous moments, Yibo wonders if Xiao Zhan thinks of him at all, if he misses him even just a little when Thursday and Friday roll around. Then he wonders if Xiao Zhan will move on soon, find someone new at a bar who he can enjoy a few pleasant hours of distraction with a week, and replace Yibo just as easily as he picked him up. Xiao Zhan may be able to replace Yibo in his life, but Yibo knows the reverse won’t be true. You can’t just replace someone who ranks first in your heart.

Eventually the despair at Xiao Zhan’s silence gets to be too much. He can’t look at his phone without being reminded every time that Xiao Zhan doesn’t care enough to come after him, so he knows what he must do. But even if he somehow manages to muster the courage to delete Xiao Zhan’s phone number and remove him from WeChat, Yibo can’t bear to permanently erase their endless dumb, sweet chat logs and the numerous photos stored on his phone. It hurts to look at them, but wiping them feels like removing a limb, even though it’s only been six months. Before Xiao Zhan, Yibo hadn’t known it was possible for someone to grow to mean so much to you in such short time, enough to take over your life even.

So he ends up buying a new phone and hides his old one away, even takes out the SIM so he’s unreachable, all so he won’t be tempted to look at evidence of the brief doomed love affair that has brought him so much pain but he can’t let go of.

***

In the weeks, months, after walking out of Xiao Zhan’s hospital room and life, Yibo wants to say time heals all wounds and that he’s picked himself up and moved on. But in truth he remains a mess.

His friends are great though. Really, Yibo may not have the love he wants, but he’s fortunate to have the kindness and support of those around him. He still stays over at his friends’ often enough, unable to bear being alone in his apartment, and doesn’t go to bars anymore, at least not by himself. It’s proof how affected he still is that he doesn’t miss sex if it means being intimate with someone new and foreign.

He doesn’t tell his mother about the break up obviously, but he’s sure she’s picked up on his misery and figured out something has happened with this mysterious boyfriend. Thankfully, she doesn’t ask directly, because Yibo is incapable of lying to her but doesn’t know how to explain to her that her beloved little boy has fallen for someone who has only ever seen him as a plaything.

The only thing he can do to take his mind off his broken heart is to throw himself into his passion for dance and devote himself more to work. He’s sure Cheng Xiao has figured out what happened without being told because for all her teasing that he has a stone-cold poker face, he wears his heart on his sleeve. He is just grateful she doesn’t ask to talk about it or remark on his sudden dedication to his girls’ dance classes that he previously wasn’t as passionate about. His friends do their best to distract him, regularly taking him out to karaoke where Sungjoo outshines them all on ballads and they rib Wenhan for singing girl songs despite his “manly” image.

Life passes quite quickly and mundanely now that he’s no longer living for two specific days week after week.

Xiao Zhan never seeks him out. Yibo doesn’t pretend it stops hurting.

***

Yixuan asks him to pick up some groceries on his way back from the studio, but Yibo doesn’t know half of the mushrooms at the supermarket. He stares dumbly at the rows of dried mushrooms in all different colours and textures.

Then from out of nowhere, a voice he’d recognize anywhere because it still haunts his dreams pierces clearly through his thoughts.

“Of course, I’m getting the mu er right now. Anything else I should pick up?” Xiao Zhan’s voice comes from behind him, obviously speaking into his phone.

Panic setting in, Yibo freezes in his spot. He has his hood up but has no doubt Xiao Zhan would be able to recognize the line of his back anyway. Should he stay still to not draw attention to himself and hope Xiao Zhan passes by him or make a break for it?

He can feel Xiao Zhan approach, so he angles his body away, pretending to reach for a product.

Which turns out to be packaged mu er, just what Xiao Zhan is looking for. Freaking out, Yibo drops it but it bounces and lands in his basket. Back still turned, he quickly scurries away before Xiao Zhan can notice him but, in his haste, accidentally knocks his basket into a column of something and some items tumble out of his basket.

“Hey there, you dropped something!”

Yibo flees for real this time, uncaring that his items are on the floor. He bolts straight for the exit, totally forgetting he hasn’t paid yet until the security guard raises an arm to stop him, so he abandons his basket entirely, never mind that it’s full and he’s pretty much done with his shopping.

As far as running into your ex the first time after a breakup goes, it can’t get any more awkward and embarrassing than that. But at least he doesn’t have to see Xiao Zhan, and more importantly, Xiao Zhan didn’t see the moisture glossing his eyes because even after months the wound hasn’t scabbed over and the pain is still too raw.

***

Yibo doesn’t believe in fate, but it sure feels like the universe is testing him—or torturing him—with how it places Xiao Zhan in his path unexpectedly. It’s just his luck that after months of not having Xiao Zhan in his life, he suddenly crosses paths with him in the most random and mundane of ways.

Seungyoun is running late for their Saturday afternoon plans to try out the new VR machines at the arcade, so Yibo waits for him at the café beside it. He’s halfway through his sugary indulgence at an outdoor table when the person he last wants to see is suddenly several feet away from him. At the café entrance is Xiao Zhan and his wife, and with them is their friend, the man Yibo remembers from the hospital.

Yibo has his sunglasses on, but it would only take a glance at the wrong angle for Xiao Zhan to spot him and recognize him. Yibo is paralyzed in his seat, desperately praying for them to not look over and just go away.

Seeing them together for the first time makes his stomach twist and the sweet milkshake he’s enjoying taste like ash on his tongue. Xiao Zhan and Xuan Lu look very good standing together, such a perfect, attractive couple with their sweet smiles and obvious love for each other. Why does the universe have to cruelly rub what he can’t have in his face?

Xiao Zhan looks a bit thinner, the lines of his throat more pronounced and his jaw sharper. He’s probably still overworking himself and not eating properly. Yibo hates how, even now, his traitorous heart fills with worry over Xiao Zhan’s wellbeing.

The weight of his stare draws Xiao Zhan to glance off to the side, and then, fuck, Xiao Zhan sees him. Yibo witnesses the exact moment recognition sets in, Xiao Zhan’s eyes widening and his jaw slackening.

Yibo has never been so relieved to be wearing sunglasses because he’s sure the pain at seeing Xiao Zhan burns bright as day through his eyes.

Xuan Lu senses Xiao Zhan’s shock and follows the line of his sight to Yibo too. Her dainty hand actually flies up to cover her mouth, and their friend puts his hand on her shoulder in support.

Is Yibo a sore reminder of her husband’s extramarital affair? Well, she shouldn’t be worried. Yibo means nothing compared to her. He was just a plaything for her husband to amuse himself with during the week. Xiao Zhan has never been unfaithful to her where it counts, has instantly dropped Yibo to run to her when needed in fact.

Yibo’s throat tightens and his eyes water behind the dark lenses.

To make everything worse, Xiao Zhan recovers his composure and actually takes a step towards Yibo.

Yibo wants nothing more than to flee but now that he’s been spotted, running away will be even worse, make him even more of a loser, so he remains frozen in his chair like a sitting duck, helpless as Xiao Zhan makes his way over.

To what? Say hi and make small talk? See how Yibo is doing? See if he’s still pathetically yearning after him after all this time?

If this were a movie, Yibo would be entertaining a tall, handsome man’s affections the first time he meets Xiao Zhan again, clearly having long moved on to someone new and better. But as this is real life, there is no one more perfect than Xiao Zhan and Yibo is still the loser here, the dumped party who can’t move on. The one who is alone while Xiao Zhan is surrounded by people who love him: his wife and friend.

As if Yibo needs another reminder that Xiao Zhan doesn’t need him at all.

Just where the fuck is Seungyoun?

“Hi,” Xiao Zhan says softly when he’s approached Yibo.

Yibo doesn’t answer, can’t make a sound with how closed off his throat is, so he just stares up at him.

“I can’t believe it’s you,” Xiao Zhan says quietly as if he doesn’t want to scare Yibo off. “I’ve been thinking about you.”

Yibo doesn’t know what he’s aiming to do by admitting that.

“It’s been a while. Have you been well?” asks Xiao Zhan.

That pisses Yibo off. Does he assume Yibo has been wallowing pathetically over him (even though it’s true)?

Then it hits Yibo. Xiao Zhan is such a kind person that of course he’d feel guilty and responsible for breaking Yibo’s heart. Yibo may have been willing to toss aside his self-respect for Xiao Zhan months ago, but now he can’t stand the thought of being pitied. Xiao Zhan probably feels horrible for poor, little Yibo crying his heart out because he thought he was more important than he really was. Better see if he’s okay and has come to terms with the truth after all this time.

The last thing he wants is Xiao Zhan’s pity, so he lies, snapping, “Of course, I’ve been fine.” It comes out clipped and defensive but thankfully not mangled.

Xiao Zhan opens his mouth, but whatever he is about to say Yibo will never know because at that moment a hand grabs Yibo’s arm and forcefully hauls him out of his chair.

“There you are! I’ve been looking for you. Come on, we’re late!”

Thank God for Seungyoun! Yibo can kiss him with how happy he is that he’s finally here. Without acknowledging Xiao Zhan as if the man is invisible, Seungyoun drags Yibo away.

Instead of the arcade, Seungyoun takes him down the street so Xiao Zhan can’t see where they’re going. Which is just as well because Yibo, now sick to his stomach, feels the furthest thing from fun and games.

***

The dance festival’s venue this year is the largest and nicest in all the years Yibo has been attending. It’s heartening to see interest in dance flourishing over time and the event gradually grow in prestige and attendance. Yibo’s dance studio is scheduled to perform several numbers, with him doing two, one solo dance and one with Cheng Xiao.

The festival is not the only event being hosted at the convention center that weekend though, so the spacious venue is crowded with dancers running through their warm-up stretches and professionals attending a business conference. The last of his colleagues to arrive, Yibo is trying to find his way to the designated dressing area for performers when the universe plays another vicious joke on him. He is weaving through a sea of colourful dance costumes and business suits when a sight stops him in his tracks.

Front and center, walking toward him with several other suits is Xiao Zhan, looking just as much in shock and disbelief as Yibo feels.

The first thing Yibo thinks to do, as cowardly as it is, is to turn tail and escape back into the masses. Only a short while ago, he would’ve given anything to see or hear from Xiao Zhan again, but now he has absolutely no wish to engage with his ex. But he maintains his composure, just tears his eyes away from Xiao Zhan, and calmly passes him to continue down the concourse as if they don’t know each other. Strangers with a bygone past is what they are now after all.

“Excuse me, gentlemen.” Even after so long, Yibo’s ears can still pick out Xiao Zhan’s voice murmuring above the din.

Yibo risks a glance over his shoulder.

Fuck, Xiao Zhan is coming after him, pushing people aside in his haste.

“Wait, Yibo! Please,” Xiao Zhan calls out when he sees Yibo look behind.

Forget keeping his cool. Yibo breaks into a run, which is more of a challenge in dodging obstacles than a real sprint, but when he looks behind him, Xiao Zhan is hot on his tail.

Like a fugitive on the lam, Yibo ducks in and out of exhibition halls and through groups of conference-goers, trying to lose Xiao Zhan. Eventually, he gets to the end of a large room so he darts inside the nearest men’s washroom and into the last stall, chest heaving. Just to be safe, he climbs onto the toilet seat so his feet can’t be seen under the stalls.

He knows he’s overreacting, but it’s much too painful to interact with Xiao Zhan, and he has two performances he needs to be in prime condition for. He pulls out his phone to check the time. He really needs to find Cheng Xiao and the others but he doesn’t dare venture out just yet.

For several heart-pounding minutes, he strains his ears, listening intently to the sounds of a few people coming in and using the washroom.

Just when he thinks it’s safe, his heart leaps to his throat when Xiao Zhan’s voice suddenly rings throughout the washroom.

“Yes, what is it? …Uh huh. Of course. Got it.” Xiao Zhan makes some more assenting noises, then hangs up.

Yibo can hear his sigh resonating but no receding footsteps to indicate he’s left.

Xiao Zhan’s voice sounds again, this time for another call. “Ah-Lu, I’m going crazy. I just saw him again.”

Heart squeezing painfully in his chest, Yibo swears this must be divine punishment: hearing exactly what Xiao Zhan thinks of him. Eavesdropping on his ex talking about him is the last thing he needs. He already knows what he means to Xiao Zhan—or rather, how little he means to Xiao Zhan—but hearing it directly from Xiao Zhan’s mouth is going to crush him. But there is no way out of this situation without dealing with Xiao Zhan: either he stays put and listens to the man or he comes out and confronts the man face-to-face.

“At the convention center. For real. Not like when I was imagining him at the supermarket. I tried to—to talk to him but he ran away. …Of course, I chased after him. But I lost him.” Xiao Zhan sounds so sad. Yibo doesn’t understand why.

Then immediately remembers. Xiao Zhan feels guilty for hurting Yibo’s feelings, like he’s responsible for Yibo wanting more than he can have even though he’s never promised Yibo more than he can give. Does he want to apologize to Yibo for leading him on and letting him think he returned his feelings even a little bit? Is Yibo that pathetic?

Yibo has to bite his hand to keep from making noise as tears well in his eyes.

“I don’t think he wants to see me at all,” Xiao Zhan says wistfully outside.

Then all of Yibo’s efforts to stay hidden come to nothing as his phone goes off, the vibration deafening in the quiet washroom. Yibo almost swears out loud.

It’s Cheng Xiao, obviously calling to demand where the hell he is. Yibo cuts the call, but the damage is done. He’s been found out.

This is it now. There is nowhere to run. Oh God, he has to face Xiao Zhan.

Breathing deeply, he tries to calm his racing heart and summon enough composure to open the stall door and face his ex squarely after months of licking his wounds.

But to his disbelief hears footsteps retreating definitively from the washroom.

Xiao Zhan must have realized some stranger can hear his private conversation with his wife and left.

Inundated with relief and feeling his heartbeat slowing, Yibo waits for another solid five minutes just in case. But there is no sound in the washroom at all, no one else comes in, so he finally deems it safe to leave the stall.

Now to finally find his group. He steps out of the washroom, shaky from narrowly escaping a painful ordeal.

Only for a hand to latch on tight to him once out in the populated hall, and he comes face to face with the source of his dread.

“I didn’t think it’d be you in there but hoped so anyway.” Xiao Zhan has definitely lost weight, his cheekbones sharper, but he is just as devastating as always, enough to break Yibo’s heart again if he’s not careful.

“Please,” he pleads when Yibo tries to tug his arm free. “I just want to talk.”

“I don’t want to talk to you.”

“Then please just listen to me.”

“There is nothing you can say that I want to hear,” Yibo bites out, meaning every word. “I have to go. I have a show to perform.” Right on cue, his phone vibrates again with likely another call from Cheng Xiao.

“Okay, then after your performance,” Xiao Zhan instantly says. “I can meet you whenever, wherever you want. Name the time and place. Just ten minutes, please.”

Ten whole minutes of hearing Xiao Zhan apologize for breaking his heart unintentionally? That sounds unbearable.

At Yibo’s look, Xiao Zhan quickly amends, “Five minutes. That’s all I need.” He babbles on. “I’ve been looking for you for so long. I can’t let you go now.”

Months ago those words were all Yibo wanted to hear and would have given anything for. Now, he doesn’t want to crush the fragile reality he has painstakingly rebuilt and return to the sad, broken state he was in before. Yibo shakes his head. “I have to go.”

Xiao Zhan doesn’t let up his grip and continues pleading. “I tried contacting you but you changed your number. I went to your apartment several times and waited hours for you to come back, but you weren’t there every time. I even went to your workplace, but your colleague won’t let me see you. Please just hear me out.”

He sounds so desperate Yibo feels cruel for rebuffing him. “We’re over,” Yibo makes it clear. “What do you want from me?” If Xiao Zhan says to apologize, Yibo doesn’t want to hear it. It’s not his fault he doesn’t feel as deeply as Yibo does, and hearing him stutter through his guilt because Yibo is in love with him when he only ever saw him as a plaything is going to kill Yibo.

“I have something I want to tell you,” Xiao Zhan confesses. “Five minutes. Then I’ll leave you alone forever if that’s what you want,” he promises.

That promise is enough to convince Yibo. Maybe he can finally achieve some closure from this encounter too even if he will always love Xiao Zhan.

Five minutes of pain and then Yibo will never have to see Xiao Zhan again and can maybe finally let this wound in his heart heal and scar over.

Much to Xiao Zhan’s overwhelming relief, Yibo concedes to meeting him later.

***

The chewing out Cheng Xiao was no doubt about to give him dies with one look at his face.

“Are you okay?” she asks instead.

Is he that obvious? “No,” he admits. “I just ran into someone I was seeing.” Cheng Xiao instantly knows who he’s talking about. “You didn’t tell me he came to find me at the studio.”

Cheng Xiao’s mouth flattens into a worried line. “If you wanted him to find you, he wouldn’t need to come to the studio,” she points out. “So I turned him away.” Yibo really appreciates how girls always seem to know these things. “What did he want?”

“To talk,” Yibo mumbles. “I promised to meet him later for five minutes.”

“If you don’t want to go, you can always ditch him. You don’t owe him anything.”

It’s kind of her to watch out for him. “I think it’ll be good for me if I go.” Good but painful, like all things good for you are.

They put on their show and his performances are flawless as always despite his apprehension for what is to come after. He can dance his routines blindfolded and still look perfect, have done so before in fact, so he is confident he performed superbly regardless of his feelings. But if he has any doubt whatsoever, the wild and enthusiastic audience response would lay any fears to rest.

Afterwards, he loses his nerve. He’s agreed to meet Xiao Zhan at the convention center café for convenience of finding location, which in retrospect is the worst idea ever because it means everyone will be around to witness Xiao Zhan leave him a pitiful, devastated wreck. Then Yibo will have to walk through the convention center bearing a broken heart for thousands to see before he can finally get home to wallow in his misery. God, he really didn’t think this through.

Chickening out, he decides to catch some other performances instead of meet Xiao Zhan. Xiao Zhan will eventually get that he’s being stood up and leave after Yibo fails to show, and Yibo can go back to unsuccessfully pretending he’s moving on.

***

Cheng Xiao, obviously concerned, sticks with him, and they check out dance demonstrations from other master artists. Several shows later, feeling inspired by cutting-edge forms of dance and incredible feats of technique and imagination, Yibo is finally ready to go home and forget about his encounter with Xiao Zhan that day. They’re exiting the now sparsely populated concourse when Yibo’s eyes are drawn to a familiar figure.

Xiao Zhan is the only one sitting at the café, long closed by now. He looks so forlorn and dejected. It’s clear he has been waiting all this time for Yibo, though it’s obvious he has resigned himself to Yibo never showing up.

Cheng Xiao follows his gaze to Xiao Zhan just as Xiao Zhan, stilling, sees the two of them. Cheng Xiao takes his hand to pull him in another direction, but he resists.

Maybe this is the universe’s doing after all and it’s unavoidable. At least now there are less witnesses to his heartbreak. Time to face the music.

Yibo remains stony at Cheng Xiao’s questioning eyes. With one last worried look and a “Call me later if you need to,” Cheng Xiao takes her leave.

Xiao Zhan hasn’t left in the several hours they’ve arranged to meet. Whatever it is, if it’s that important, Yibo might as well put him out of his misery. If talking to Yibo is finally going to let Xiao Zhan move on, then Yibo might as well hear him out. Yibo is only putting off the inevitable the way he has been the entire length of their affair after all, and he knows he will always wonder what Xiao Zhan has to say to him. For both their sakes, Yibo might as well get this over with.

He strolls up and takes the chair across from Xiao Zhan.

“You actually came,” Xiao Zhan says in wonder and disbelief.

“I wasn’t going to,” Yibo admits but makes no apology or excuses.

“I didn’t think you would, but I knew if I left, I would forever regret giving up this chance to talk to you.” Just what does he have to say to Yibo that is so important he would regret it?

Xiao Zhan keeps babbling, words rushing out as if he’s afraid Yibo would disappear any moment. “I tried so hard to look for you. I went to your apartment, your studio, even tracked down your friends online but no one would help me find you—but I guess I can’t really blame them. I couldn’t believe it when I saw you at the café that time. I thought you were a mirage, another trick my mind was playing on me because I missed you so much.”

Why is he saying all this? If Yibo didn’t know better, he would think from these words that Xiao Zhan wants him. But he’s not dumb enough to delude himself again.

Yibo gets straight to the point. “What do you want?” he asks, then adds, “Five minutes.” Might as well rip the bandage off instead of beat around the bush and suffer a slow burn.

“Ah-Lu and I filed for divorce.”

Yibo can’t believe what he’s just heard. If he weren’t already sitting down, he might literally be floored.

Of all the things he thought Xiao Zhan had to say, he never imagined this.

He’d fully expected his heart to break meeting with Xiao Zhan but never would have anticipated it would be for Xiao Zhan’s sake instead. He knows full well how dear Xuan Lu is to Xiao Zhan, that no one else can ever possibly come close, and that they’ve already spent half their lives together by now. Losing her after all their years together must be like losing a permanent part of you, though how can Yibo comprehend when Yibo has only ever had Xiao Zhan and that was unreciprocated and only lasted a measly six months?

“I am sorry for your loss,” he says with genuine sympathy. “I know you loved each other.” He’s not even jealous of that love with how much sorrow he feels for Xiao Zhan now.

“We do. She’s my best friend and knows me better than anyone, and we’ll always be there for each other. But she’s happy with someone else, and I’m truly happy for her.”

Oh. Xuan Lu has left him for someone else.

Seeing Yibo’s awkwardness, Xiao Zhan quickly says, “It was a mutual decision. Even if she chose me over Yuchen, I still would’ve asked for a divorce.”

Well, they married young and people change over time, Yibo politely offers up the excuse.

But Xiao Zhan shakes his head. “We did both change, but that’s oversimplifying it.” He swallows and takes a moment deciding what to say. “We will forever love each other, but we’re not in love with each other. We may have been when we were fifteen, but now we’re just good friends. Up until now, this didn’t bother us: there are many worse things in life than being married to a companion you trust and are compatible with.

“But Ah-Lu developed feelings for Yuchen. They actually broke up because he couldn’t keep up an affair with a married woman—” That makes him a better man than him, Yibo thinks bitterly. “—and she wouldn’t leave me for him.”

Xiao Zhan’s voice is dry as he continues, “She’d rather stay with me because she married me and cares about me than be with someone she’s falling for. She chose me over him, because that is what marriage is: an agreement to stay with someone for life through anything. But I can’t do that to her. I can’t keep her tied to me because of a vow we made when we were young, even one with the best of intentions, when she would be happier being with Yuchen. Before, we thought as long as we stayed loyal to each other and put our marriage first like promised, we’re not doing anything wrong by each other.

“But now I understand that when you’re not in love with someone, even if you truly do love them and care about them, it’s crueler all around to hang on to them instead of let them go. It’s the right thing to do for their sake, for your sake, and,” his voice drops solemnly, “for the sake of those who love you. That’s why I said I still would have asked for a divorce.”

Yibo understands what he means, but he doesn’t get why Xiao Zhan is telling him all this. If Xiao Zhan needs emotional support, Yibo is sure he has many friends he can confide in instead.

Xiao Zhan sees his confusion. “I’m telling you this so you know this doesn’t have to do with you.” He takes a deep breath. “We agreed to divorce so we can let each other be free to pursue love.”

Yibo is starting to see where this is going. This is turning out worse than he anticipated. Now that he’s divorced, Xiao Zhan wants to, what, go out and find love? Or sow his wild oats since he didn’t get a chance to when he was married? Now that he’s free, he might as well entertain himself with Yibo until he finds someone he can have a relationship with. Yibo was fine for a fun weekly romp in bed but not enough to keep around when life got demanding and certainly not worth leaving his wife for, but he’ll do for a rebound.

Yibo will always just be a tool for Xiao Zhan, first as a plaything to liven up his marriage and now as a rebound to recover after his marriage. The irony isn’t lost on him: the husband separates from his wife and bounces back to the mistress he previously left for his wife.

The worst thing is, despite knowing that this is what it is, Yibo just might take him up on the offer and cling to him for as long as he can before Xiao Zhan inevitably discards him again. Like before, Yibo doesn’t need Xiao Zhan to love him back to be with him.

Even now, despite knowing better, despite having experienced the painful consequences, Yibo is still tempted to make the same big mistake. People never do learn in love.

Throat constricted and eyes burning, Yibo shoots up out of his chair before tears can gather for Xiao Zhan to see. “Time’s up.”

Xiao Zhan catches his arm, frantic. “Wait! Just one more thing!” Yibo tries to shake him off, but Xiao Zhan’s grip is desperate and ungiving.

“I’m in love with you! That’s what I want you to know.”

Breath catching, Yibo freezes mid-turn, unable to believe what he’s just heard.

Xiao Zhan rushes on. “I divorced Ah-Lu so she can find her happiness with Yuchen and I can find mine with you. If you’ll have me. But even if you don’t want me, I can’t go back to who I was before. I can’t go back to not knowing you and having never loved you.”

He goes on, softer and more vulnerable. “If you don’t want me, that is fine. If it’s what you want, I’ll leave you alone forever. But I have to do this or else I’ll regret it for the rest of my life.”

“Why are you doing this now?” Yibo mumbles, still not willing to let himself believe what Xiao Zhan is telling him. “After I left, I would have given anything for you to reach out to me. Now it’s too late, don’t you think?”

“How could I come after you? I—” Xiao Zhan hesitates. “You didn’t know everything that was going on then. Ah-Lu and I were under a lot of family pressure—”

“So you kept on saying but you wouldn’t share anything with me!” Yibo snarls. “If you really loved me,” his voice twists on the word even as he wishes it were true, “why wouldn’t you tell me anything? Why did you cut me out of your life?”

“I kept it from you on purpose,” admits Xiao Zhan. “Ah-Lu and I were growing apart, but we weren’t ready to end our marriage completely. I didn’t want to tell you and string you along or make you think you were responsible. Because you weren’t for what happened to our marriage. I meant it when I said our issues didn’t have to do with you. On top of our crumbling marriage, we were dealing with so much family pressure to start having babies—God, our parents were absolutely devastated when we told them we weren’t having kids and were in fact getting a divorce. My mother still isn’t speaking to me since she adores Ah-Lu so much.” He chuckles sourly.

“At the time, between my feelings for you, my marriage breaking down, all the family drama, and work, it was work that actually made the only sense. So I threw myself into it, working sixteen-hour days to distract myself and sleeping little.” Xiao Zhan smiles wistfully. “You thought I was overworking myself, as did Ah-Lu, but being that busy kept my mind off how everything in my life was taking completely unexpected turns. I thought I would grow old with Ah-Lu. Instead, I found myself falling so hard for this gorgeous guy I met at a bar while Ah-Lu is in a serious relationship with someone else, and nothing in my life made sense any longer.”

Yibo bites his lip. “But why didn’t you tell me after? If you truly cared about me, then why did you let me go?” The question is laden with all the grief and regret he’s been experiencing since walking out on Xiao Zhan. “I wanted so much for you to stop me and come after me. But you didn’t in all the months after.”

“Oh, darling, I couldn’t. I didn’t have any right to.” Xiao Zhan sounds just as broken-hearted as Yibo but never more honest when he confesses, “Letting you go was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.”

He brings Yibo’s hands to his chest as if Yibo can feel his sincerity from his heartbeat. “I wanted you so much. But keeping you with me is the most selfish thing I could do.

“You deserve so much more than I can give. You deserve someone who can give you everything and put you first above all else. Someone who can devote all of himself to you.” He cups Yibo’s face with reverence like Yibo is something sacred.

“I could hardly bear to lose you, so I promised myself I would win you back. Properly. The way you deserve.” Conviction shines through Xiao Zhan’s eyes.

“Ah-Lu and I decided to divorce after all so we can both pursue who are in our hearts. The paperwork is still being finalized, but it’s probably the cleanest, easiest divorce ever. And while that is being processed, I came after you. But all my attempts were in vain until now,” he says wistfully.

Yibo pulls his hands away and looks down at the ground. Everything Xiao Zhan has just said sounds so wonderful. Too wonderful, like a lucid dream that you know can’t be real.

“Who says I still want you?” he snaps defensively even though he does still want Xiao Zhan. Will always want Xiao Zhan. “What makes you think I haven’t moved on?” Yibo sneers like Xiao Zhan is full of himself to think Yibo has been waiting around pining after him even though he has.

Xiao Zhan looks like Yibo has slapped him. “I don’t know if you still want me. I just hope that you do,” he says quietly. “If you don’t, that is fine. I let you go precisely because it wasn’t fair of me to keep you tied to me when I couldn’t give you what you deserve. If you’ve met someone else and moved on, then, well, that was a risk I knew could happen. If you no longer want anything to do with me and don’t want to see me again, I will respect your wishes and never bother you again. But I am here now to offer all of myself to you the way it should be.”

Xiao Zhan falls into a tense silence, clearly braced for Yibo to reject him once and for all.

Shaken by his honest declaration, Yibo clings harder to his bitter resentment, not wanting to be swayed just like that. Xiao Zhan wanting him back and saying he loves him has been all he’s wanted in the last several months. But now that he has this, even if he wants this, he is too scared to take it. Even if he has Xiao Zhan again, he knows he will always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. And what life is that, always too scared to push too much or make the wrong move and forever dreading the end to come?

“Did you really think I would welcome you back just like that? What if I don’t? Going to regret giving up being married now that you’re single and lonely?” Yibo scoffs.

“No,” Xiao Zhan says with full certainty. “Don’t you understand? I would’ve left her even if I didn’t meet you, if only so she can be with Yuchen. And even if you don’t take me back, I won’t regret divorcing Ah-Lu and I will still love you.”

They lapse back into the heavy, awkward silence.

Yibo finally breaks it by mumbling the truth. “I don’t know.” He will never stop wanting, but he doesn’t think he can survive having Xiao Zhan again and losing him a second time. “This is very sudden. I don’t hear from you in months and then you suddenly show up out of nowhere and tell me this.”

“That’s fine, you don’t have to give me an answer right away,” Xiao Zhan quickly assures him. “Take your time to think about it. Just know that I love you, and I’m prepared to do what it takes to win you.”

“Um, okay. I have to go now.” With that, Yibo turns away to the deserted and now darkened concourse.

“Wait.” When Yibo glances back, Xiao Zhan is nervous. “Can I call or text you? I… don’t want to wait for fate to take pity on me again before I can see you.”

“…Okay.” Telling himself it’s only so he won’t be taken without warning if Xiao Zhan pops into his life again, Yibo gives him his new number.

When he walks away, his chin is level and he can feel the weight of Xiao Zhan’s eyes but doesn’t look back.

***

Xiao Zhan texts him the very next day.

Hi sweetheart. This is Xiao Zhan. I hope you have a great day!

Hours later:

I wish I could have seen your dance performance. I am sure you were amazing.

Yibo knows he was but doesn’t respond.

But Xiao Zhan keeps texting, undeterred.

Yibo doesn’t respond to any of his messages, not ready to give in to Xiao Zhan’s charms yet, though his traitorous heart skips with excitement every time he sees his name on his phone screen.

It’s supposed to get really hot this week, so remember to drink lots of water!

There is an event happening this Saturday at the Lego store downtown.

Yibo doesn’t know what Xiao Zhan is suggesting. He’s a bit annoyed that Xiao Zhan is bringing it up like Yibo is a little kid excited by toys, so he’s not going to admit he already knows about it.

I’m having steamed chili chicken. I wish I could have tasted yours.

Yibo had tried making the dish once to impress Xiao Zhan after Cheng Xiao kept raving about how easy the celebrity chef’s cooking videos were to follow. But even after following the video to the letter, the chicken turned out bland and tough, which was just as well because Xiao Zhan ended up cancelling last-minute when a work meeting ran over. He was extremely apologetic, but Yibo still remained too resentful to bother cooking anything for him after that. He is surprised Xiao Zhan even remembers it.

He is tempted to snipe back, Miss having someone cook for you now that your wife is gone? But decides no reply is still more cutting than a snide one.

So Yibo just devours his texts and leaves the read timestamp for Xiao Zhan to know he’s been seen—and ignored.

The first time Xiao Zhan calls him, Yibo doesn’t realize it. Assuming it’s his mother like always, he answers his phone with his eyes still glued to the TV.

“Mama,” he greets.

Then is shocked when he hears a self-conscious Xiao Zhan say, “Uh, no, it’s me.”

Embarrassed, Yibo demands, “Why are you calling me?”

“Um,” Xiao Zhan sounds shy. “I just miss hearing your voice. I didn’t think you would actually pick up. I’m lying in bed and can’t sleep. I can’t stop thinking about you.”

Then he realizes how that sounds and quickly amends, “Not that I’m calling you for anything inappropriate. I just… would like to hear the sound of your voice. That’s all. If that’s okay.”

“I’m watching TV,” Yibo says curtly, eyes flashing to the clock. It’s hardly eleven, but it’s probably good Xiao Zhan is in bed early.

“Oh, um, sorry to bother you then.”

“No, I mean I can’t talk.”

“Um, okay, have a good night then.” Yibo can hear him try to stifle his disappointment.

“But you can talk,” Yibo points out. Xiao Zhan has a pleasant voice and Yibo always enjoys listening to him, especially in bed when he’s whispering sweet nothings and gently stroking Yibo’s hair.

Maybe this isn’t such a good idea.

But Xiao Zhan takes him up on his offer, beginning softly, “I got a promotion a couple months ago for being part of the company expansion to New Delhi. It’s even busier now, but it’s something for me to focus on now that I’m just by myself. Oh, Ah-Lu and I both moved out. She moved in with her boyfriend, Yuchen, and I’m renting a bachelor’s close to work…”

Yibo learns that Xiao Zhan feels uncomfortable staying in his and Xuan Lu’s condo with all the reminders of their life together. They haven’t decided what to do with the place though so it’s currently sitting uninhabited with all the furnishings they’ll eventually have to divvy up. He listens to Xiao Zhan fill the call with trivial chatter about his day-to-day life and finds himself lulled by the smooth cadence of his voice. He doesn’t even realize at what point he stops paying attention to the TV and can’t decide who benefits more from this call, him or Xiao Zhan.

It’s not the last of talking to Xiao Zhan on the phone as Xiao Zhan calls him again a week later. Gradually, the late-night phone conversations become a regular thing, though it’s always Xiao Zhan who dials and remains doing most of the talking, partly because Yibo doesn’t want to talk and admit how depressed he has been. Yibo sometimes doesn’t answer a call on purpose just to show Xiao Zhan he’s not eagerly hanging around for his calls, though he is probably only depriving himself of Xiao Zhan’s voice. Even if Yibo still loves him, the last thing he wants is for Xiao Zhan to think Yibo will always be his to use for whatever he needs, whether that is someone to listen or company on lonely nights now that he’s single.

On one occasion, Yibo spitefully tells him about someone displaying interest in him at the studio. It’s not the first time a relative of one of his students has been openly friendly to Yibo, but it’s really quite harmless. But Yibo plays it up and makes it sound as if he’s being asked out—which to be fair can happen if he wants to—just to prove he’s not pining away and has other options. That someone can actually like him.

But Xiao Zhan just says, “Oh.” And Yibo feels pathetic for thinking Xiao Zhan would actually care.

An awkward pause later, Xiao Zhan softly says, “I meant it when I said I would still love you even if you don’t take me back. It’s okay if you go out with someone else.”

Ignoring the first part of what he says, Yibo can’t imagine going out with someone else but isn’t going to confess that.

Their precarious connection eventually escalates when one day out of the blue Xiao Zhan texts, Can I see you sometime?

They’ve never mentioned meeting up in any of their conversations so Yibo is caught off-guard and doesn’t know how to respond for a whole day.

His first reaction of course is excitement at seeing Xiao Zhan again but that is quickly smothered by logic and reason. Even suspicion.

Why does Xiao Zhan want to meet him? Lonely and horny now that he’s not getting any on the regular? But his mind supplies that Yibo doesn’t know that. Xiao Zhan could be having one-night stands with people he picks up at bars now that he’s single and free. Yibo doesn’t know which is worse: Xiao Zhan hooking up with other people or that Xiao Zhan is looking for one thing and knows Yibo is a sure bet.

Heart tight, he finally texts back, Why?

The response is immediate.

I miss seeing your face.

Sorry if that’s creepy. I just mean I miss you and would like to see you in-person. That’s all. We don’t have to do anything you’re uncomfortable with.

Yibo imagines them sitting across each other and staring in awkward silence. That sounds awful no matter how nice a chance to just look at Xiao Zhan is.

Let me treat you to dinner.

Xiao Zhan must realize how awkward that would be because right after is: Or lunch?

Drinks?

It’s only because Xiao Zhan sounds so desperate and Yibo is smart enough to know drinking with your ex will turn out badly that Yibo agrees to meet him for lunch.

That Sunday at noon he parks his motorcycle outside his favourite neighbourhood noodle house. If things get awkward, Yibo can always down his noodles fast and hop on his bike.

The place is out of Xiao Zhan’s way, but unexpectedly Xiao Zhan is already there and waiting at a table. When Yibo sits down, Xiao Zhan breaks out into the most gorgeous smile that Yibo has to consciously remind himself of what they are now. Friends? Exes? Acquaintances who sometimes talk on the phone? He doesn’t know really, doesn’t know if they will even still be in each other’s lives in a short while, so the wise thing to do is not get attached to Xiao Zhan again. But that is probably a losing cause for Yibo.

“You’re here.” The relief and joy are evident in Xiao Zhan’s voice.

Xiao Zhan still looks a bit thin but certainly better than the last time Yibo saw him. He looks so handsome even in a simple light blue shirt with his sleeves rolled up. God, it’s been so long that Yibo’s defences aren’t prepared for the full force of his charm.

“You look beautiful,” Xiao Zhan gushes so sweetly that despite knowing better Yibo feels flattered. Xiao Zhan doesn’t stop smiling all throughout ordering.

As soon as their server leaves, Yibo steels himself and gets to the point. “What do you want from me?”

“Nothing!” Xiao Zhan looks aghast as if being accused. “I just want to see you, that’s it. I promise.”

Yibo has to get to the bottom of things. He has been letting things meander on their own too long. “Why are you doing all this? Calling me, texting me, inviting me to lunch?”

“I told you I just want to see you again.”

“For what?”

When Xiao Zhan still looks confused, Yibo goes straight for it. “Want your bitch back while you celebrate your new life as a free man?”

Xiao Zhan’s jaw actually drops and he looks so wounded as though Yibo had insulted him. Of course, Xiao Zhan is too much of a gentleman for vulgarity. But Yibo is calling it as it is.

“No! You’re not—I don’t—I told you I’m in love with you! Why don’t you believe me?” Xiao Zhan’s desperate outburst turns a few heads. “What do I have to do to make you believe that? Tell me and I’ll do it, whatever it is.”

“Do you really think you can just waltz back into my life and sprout off some pretty words and that’s it, I’m yours?” Yibo spits, uncaring that they’re drawing attention—and that he looks like the cruel villain here with Xiao Zhan the poor victim of love, a reversal of their roles. He clutches on to his anger, because if he doesn’t and isn’t careful, for all his bravado, he just might fall back to being Xiao Zhan’s bitch.

Xiao Zhan looks miserable. “I hoped you would still want me, but I knew then I was risking losing you forever.”

Yibo’s conviction then takes even him by surprise. “I don’t want to go back to the way things were before.” He means it, even as his will is weak when it comes to Xiao Zhan. “Even if you’re no longer with your wife, I can’t just pick up where we left off and pretend you didn’t break my heart.”

Xiao Zhan’s eyes are full of remorse. “I’m so sorry, darling. I am so sorry for hurting you, but I don’t regret letting you go and sorting out my life. You deserve more than I could give at the time. Now I’m willing to do whatever it takes to win your heart.”

Yibo’s eyes drop to the table. Xiao Zhan is too good and kind. Yibo understands why he let him go. But knowing why doesn’t make up for the anguish he went through. He has barely put the pieces of his heart back together.

“We don’t have to pick up where we left off. We can start anew where I win you the right way as a free man. I can give you all of myself this time and treat you the way you deserve,” Xiao Zhan promises.

“We can start right now,” he proposes. “You don’t owe me anything. You can reject me whenever you’re unhappy with me, and I’ll respect your wishes. But just give me this chance to make you happy.”

Yibo is saved from answering as their bowls of noodles arrive, but Xiao Zhan takes his silence as assent when he doesn’t object after a tense moment. For the rest of lunch, they don’t talk any more about it, and when their bowls are empty and gone Yibo finds himself disappointed that time passed too quickly and there is no excuse to prolong leaving.

***

Yibo eventually caves in to Xiao Zhan’s attempts to take him out to dinner. It doesn’t turn out as awkward as he feared though Yibo is still conscious to skirt around certain topics.

At the end after walking Yibo to his motorcycle, Xiao Zhan shyly asks, “Can I kiss you goodnight?”

When Yibo doesn’t say anything, Xiao Zhan turns away awkwardly.

“Yes,” Yibo finally replies.

Relieved but cautious, Xiao Zhan brings his hands up to cup Yibo’s face and angles his mouth over Yibo’s. This is their first real kiss since all the way back to that ill-fated weekend getaway a lifetime ago. It’s just a simple brush of lips but it’s so overwhelming that Yibo understands what romcoms mean when they talk about knees going weak. With Yibo’s poor control when it comes to Xiao Zhan, it’s probably a good thing they part ways right after.

They meet each other more frequently after that. It’s similar to the times Xiao Zhan took him out when they first started dating, just minus the fucking afterwards. Instead, all the action Yibo gets these days is a goodbye kiss that increasingly turns into heated make out sessions before Xiao Zhan leaves him high and dry. Literally.

It doesn’t help that after months of being too heartbroken to bear going home with anyone, Yibo is horny as hell. The cologne Xiao Zhan wears when he takes him out makes Yibo heady enough to want to climb him, and Yibo’s thoughts keep straying to tracing Xiao Zhan’s Adam’s apple or his collarbone with his tongue. It gets harder and harder to not suggest Xiao Zhan come over or they stay in instead of go out, and he wonders if Xiao Zhan also thinks about being alone with him away from public eyes.

Against his better judgment, Yibo texts Xiao Zhan one day, Come over to my place this Saturday. I’m going to make steamed chili chicken.

Xiao Zhan responds with an enthusiastic, I’ll bake something for dessert then!

So Yibo spends his entire Saturday cleaning and tidying his loft and starts cooking in the afternoon. He prepares two vegetable dishes simple enough that even he can’t screw it up before tackling the chicken. Following the recipe the second time around is easier, though Yibo still feels silly handling the chicken with his gloved hands. The chicken was too bland last time, so he makes sure to season it adequately.

He is just arranging the cilantro on top the shredded chicken when Xiao Zhan arrives bearing a small elaborate cake, smiling and handsome as usual. He’s wearing a navy sweater that makes him look so effortlessly enticing Yibo really can’t tell if he’s trying or not.

Xiao Zhan, of course, is the model guest and compliments Yibo on the beautifully laid out dishes when they sit down for the meal. Yibo studies him closely when his chopsticks raise the chicken to his mouth. Xiao Zhan’s face carefully doesn’t twitch when he swallows.

“You don’t like it,” Yibo concludes forlornly, disappointment filling his stomach.

“No, I do!” Xiao Zhan protests and stuffs some more bites into his mouth to prove his point.

“Don’t force yourself,” Yibo mumbles. He tries the chicken himself. And coughs at the extreme saltiness and spiciness, immediately craving water.

Chagrined, he drops his face into his hands, contemplating if he should order delivery. Xiao Zhan keeps on eating so Yibo tells him, “Stop it. I know it tastes awful.”

“Darling, I would eat anything you make for me,” Xiao Zhan assures him. “I’m so happy my boyfriend cooked for me.”

Then he freezes, mortified, at his slip. Yibo can’t decide who feels worse at that moment: him for the awful food they have to suffer through or Xiao Zhan for being presumptuous of their so far undefined relationship.

Before Xiao Zhan can say anything, Yibo boldly declares, “I’m so lucky to have a boyfriend who would suffer my cooking.”

Now Xiao Zhan looks equal parts mortified and flabbergasted.

“What did you say? Are we—does that mean you are willing to be my boyfriend?” Xiao Zhan asks, hopeful but hesitant like he doesn’t dare believe it.

“Yes,” Yibo affirms with the full weight of conviction.

He has never stopped loving and wanting Xiao Zhan even at the height of his devastation and broken heart. And even if the anguish he suffered has permanently scarred his heart, Yibo knows pragmatically that what has happened until now doesn’t matter. He can’t wallow in pain or indecision forever. What matters now is only what goes forward. He can either choose to accept Xiao Zhan or leave him behind and move on once and for all. His heart may still break later if he continues with Xiao Zhan, but if he doesn’t take the risk, he knows he will always wonder what might have been. Yibo may not be ready to forgive Xiao Zhan or trust Xiao Zhan’s feelings, but he is smart enough to realize that there is no use denying them what they both want.

Pure joy blossoms on Xiao Zhan’s face, and he beams that radiant smile of his at Yibo, lighting up his world. Yibo doesn’t know the last time he is this sure of anything.

What follows Yibo can’t say who instigates, but one of them has pulled the other out of his chair and they are now kissing, hands grasping for purchase on shoulders, hair, nape. Xiao Zhan tastes so good and feels so wonderful and solid under his hands. Yibo tugs him towards his bed in the open concept loft, even though they’ve scarcely eaten two bites of dinner.

But Xiao Zhan grabs his wrists and wrenches away. “Darling, are you sure about this?” he asks, worried even as his eyes are glazed with desire.

Yibo rolls his eyes. “Are you going to think less of me if I don’t wait until the third date?”

He is being sarcastic but Xiao Zhan still exclaims, alarmed, “No! I would never think less of you. I just don’t want you to do anything you’ll regret.”

“Oh, I won’t regret this. I was hoping tonight would lead to this actually,” Yibo assures him. Then he covers Xiao Zhan’s mouth with his to shut him up and maneuvers them across his loft. 

He pushes Xiao Zhan down on the bed and straddles him like a hungry animal, gazing down at the sight of Xiao Zhan once more on his mattress.

Xiao Zhan tugs him down to make out, and they keep kissing as Xiao Zhan gropes his ass. After a while, Yibo pulls back and, smirking down at Xiao Zhan, tugs his shirt off by the collar with a flourish. Enjoying Xiao Zhan’s admiring gaze on his naked torso, he undoes his pants and frees his half-hard dick, giving it a slow pump more for show than benefit.

“Still love attention,” Xiao Zhan teases with a fond half-smile, hands coming up to pull down Yibo’s pants for him. Yibo lifts his knees one at a time to free his pants and kicks them off so he’s fully naked above Xiao Zhan.

“Especially yours.” Biting his bottom lip in a delectable way, Yibo strokes himself nice and slow to full erection above Xiao Zhan, relishing the way Xiao Zhan’s eyes darken even more with lust.

Xiao Zhan reaches a hand toward his groin but Yibo blocks it with his knee. “Your turn to take off your clothes,” he orders his boyfriend.

Smiling, Xiao Zhan curls up to pull off his sweater and, unbuttoning his pants, lifts his hips to divest his pants and underwear. Yibo assists by pulling them all the way off and tossing them to the floor.

Yibo is pleased to see Xiao Zhan is already erect but before he can bend over and get his mouth on that nice, rigid cock he’s sorely missed, Xiao Zhan flips them over.

Then he is peppering wet, open-mouthed kisses everywhere on Yibo’s throat and chest as his hands run along Yibo’s sides and hips. Yibo had forgotten just how adoring Xiao Zhan is in bed, always affectionate and attentive of his partner’s pleasure. He is the type to make love.

Xiao Zhan starts tonguing and sucking on a nipple as one hand goes between Yibo’s legs and grips the base of his dick, thumb delicately stroking his balls. Yibo mewls, basking in being fondled, and jumps when Xiao Zhan’s thumb dips south to brush against his perineum.

Xiao Zhan lifts his head up from Yibo’s chest. “Lube?”

“Where it’s always been.” Yibo nods at the nightstand where it’s been stored untouched in months.

Getting it out, Xiao Zhan squeezes a generous amount of lube onto his palm and warms it up. Always so conscious of others. Yibo feels his heart fill with deep fondness for him.

Then Xiao Zhan is back, bowing over Yibo’s lower half to take his dick into his mouth as he presses a fingertip against his hole. He’s going straight for prepping Yibo—clearly, he is in no mood for foreplay either.

Xiao Zhan swirls his tongue messily around his dick, then engulfs his length just as a slippery fingertip pushes inside him. Yibo hasn’t fingered himself in ages that the sudden sensation of being breached feels too much and he arches into Xiao Zhan’s mouth.

God, at this rate, he would be a goner by the time Xiao Zhan even gets inside. Xiao Zhan pushes his finger in further as he sucks. Yibo plants his feet on the bed, knees bracketing Xiao Zhan’s shoulders, and tries not to tense at the intrusion as Xiao Zhan works him open.

Xiao Zhan takes his time moving his knuckle in and out. It’s uncomfortable but Yibo knows it will be good once he’s loose enough, so he just lies back and lets himself be fingered while getting sucked off. He whimpers when Xiao Zhan slips in another finger, so Xiao Zhan just sucks his dick harder to make up for it. But that brings Yibo dangerously close, so despite the pleasurable ministration, he grips Xiao Zhan’s hair with both hands and pulls him off, his dick springing out of Xiao Zhan’s mouth with a wet, obscene pop.

Xiao Zhan wraps his other hand around Yibo’s dick in lieu of his mouth and pumps it up and down, his saliva slicking the way, as he starts scissoring him open. Yibo whines at the stretch. It really has been a while.

After what feels like forever, Xiao Zhan pulls his fingers out and gets on his knees, making his erection stick out. Yibo admires the sight of his hard, red cock curving proudly up from its dark nest. His mouth waters as he watches Xiao Zhan palm his thick cock, coating lube generously over its crown and veiny sides.

And then finally, Xiao Zhan is curling over him, one arm under his knee while he guides his cock to nudge against Yibo’s puckered entrance.

Despite Xiao Zhan’s patient and careful preparation, Yibo still feels tears prickle as Xiao Zhan pushes the crown of his cock past the tight ring of muscle. He’d forgotten how much of a stretch it is taking Xiao Zhan in.

Xiao Zhan sinks in slowly and stills about halfway to let Yibo adjust. “Oh, baby. You’re so tight,” he groans, bending down to nose at Yibo’s neck.

Yibo breathes heavily, trying not to clench around Xiao Zhan’s girth. Xiao Zhan plants sloppy kisses on his jaw and neck to ease him. Then after he deems Yibo ready, he sinks his teeth into Yibo’s neck and pushes the rest of the way in so he’s fully sheathed inside.

When Xiao Zhan starts gently rocking his hips, every brush and nudge of his cock inside Yibo feels amplified and too intense, the stimulation too much after so long. Eventually, Yibo’s body relaxes around Xiao Zhan’s cock, and pleasure begins to build as Xiao Zhan’s thrusts pick up speed and force.

One particular thrust sets Yibo’s nerves on fire and makes him cry out. Xiao Zhan adjusts his angle to hit that spot and no longer holds back, thrusting in hard and deep like he’s trying to bury his dick inside only to pull out and plunge back in again. All throughout fucking him, Xiao Zhan kisses him and whispers how good he feels, how beautiful he looks, how much he missed him and loves him. Yibo just moans, unable to do more than clutch Xiao Zhan’s back as Xiao Zhan drives nonstop into him. He doesn’t even realize he’s crying until Xiao Zhan kisses his sex tears away.

It doesn’t take long for Yibo to crest, especially when Xiao Zhan, sensing he’s near, wraps his hand around his dick and starts jerking him off in time with his thrusts. Xiao Zhan keeps fucking him all throughout his orgasm and not long after spills inside Yibo. Before he can pull out, Yibo wraps a leg around his waist to keep him inside.

He must have drifted off a bit after because the next thing he knows, Xiao Zhan is no longer inside but is actually crawling back to bed, probably returning from cleaning them up. Xiao Zhan spoons him, wrapping an arm around his waist and resting his dick against Yibo’s ass.

Yibo is about to nod off again when Xiao Zhan starts musing.

“A part of me still can’t believe this is real,” he says into Yibo’s shoulder. “That you are in my arms again. There were times when I thought I had really lost you,” he says grimly. “Before I found you, I was going crazy. I couldn’t stop thinking of you. I saw you everywhere: in strangers walking down the street, at the park, the supermarket—”

“That was real,” Yibo mumbles, half-asleep. “That was me at the store. I heard you and ran away before you could recognize me.”

“Why did you run away? Did you really hate me then?” Xiao Zhan sounds sad.

“No, I never hated you. But I was such a mess then. I probably would have crumbled to pieces if I saw you again,” Yibo admits.

He may as well admit all of it. “I loved you so much. But you couldn’t even ask me to stay. I waited desperately for you to come after me, but you never did. So I accepted that I meant nothing more than a fucktoy to you and tried to move on.” Xiao Zhan squeezes his waist at that.

“Yibo, you were never a,” Xiao Zhan’s voice cracks, “fucktoy to me. You mean so much to me. You turned my whole world upside down. Everything I thought I knew and cared about—my life, my marriage—didn’t matter anymore.”

“That’s another thing. I’m not Xuan Lu. I’m not going to share you with other people once you get tired of me,” Yibo says, adamant.

Xiao Zhan nuzzles his nape. “Good. Because I would never share you with anyone. And I would never get tired of you.” He says it with such confidence Yibo knows he means it.

When he speaks again, it’s softer. “My feelings for you are different than what I’ve ever felt for Ah-Lu. With her, I’m happy as long as she’s happy. If she finds happiness with someone else, I’m truly happy for her sake. Maybe it’s because we’ve been together since we were fifteen that I don’t feel jealous or threatened when it comes to her. No one can replace what I’ve been to her just as no one can replace what she’s been to me. But with you, I hate the thought of you with anyone else. I’d despise that person the way I never did with Yuchen. I wouldn’t be able to bear it if you wanted to see someone else. It would break my heart.

“I’ve never wanted someone as much as I wanted you,” Xiao Zhan confesses into the back of his neck. “I was so miserable without you. I was so afraid you would meet someone worthy of you, someone I can’t compete with because they can give you what I can’t. So I sorted out my life as fast as I could, then went to find you to offer myself, praying that you would take me. But your phone number changed, and you weren’t there every time I went to your apartment, and none of your friends would tell me where you were.” He chuckles wistfully. “I thought it was fate’s cruel joke: you were gone from my life just when I was free to pursue you. You came into my life, changed everything, and when I finally sorted everything out so I can be with you, it was too late.

“But I don’t regret it,” he adds pre-emptively, feeling Yibo about to reply. “I said it before: I didn’t end my marriage for you. I ended it because it no longer suited us. Like I said, you changed me, and I can’t go back to who I was before. I love you.”

Those three words make Yibo feel as light as air.

“God, shut up. You’re still such a sap,” he says so Xiao Zhan can’t tell how deeply moved he feels.

But Xiao Zhan seems to know anyway. “Just for you.” He pecks the back of Yibo’s neck. “Oh, one last thing and then I’ll shut up.”

Yibo plays up an exasperated groan. “What is it?”

“That guy at the studio that likes you—the brother of one of your students?”

Yibo is glad Xiao Zhan can’t see the grin breaking out at the barely disguised jealousy in his voice and asks nonchalantly, “What about him?”

“Has he—is he still—have you gone out with him?”

“Not yet, but he’s really friendly,” Yibo answers, relishing in Xiao Zhan’s nervousness.

Xiao Zhan tightens his hold around his waist. “Well, you have a boyfriend now.” Yibo can imagine him pouting.

“Who I love and who is going to shut up now,” Yibo reminds him. He can feel Xiao Zhan smile against his skin as he does just that.

***

Somehow Xiao Zhan finagles a concession from Yibo to let him tag along to his weekly get-together with the gang. Yibo isn’t even sure how he ended up letting Xiao Zhan accompany him, though his sweet, honest boyfriend can be quite sly when he really wants something.

His fears are reaffirmed when they walk into the bar, the last to arrive, and his friends all look up as one from their table. They visibly still at the sight of Xiao Zhan with Yibo. But it’s too late to turn back now.

Yibo awkwardly stops in his tracks too but Xiao Zhan confidently pulls him along. His friends all stare at Xiao Zhan unabashedly as they approach. They weren’t expecting Xiao Zhan obviously so there is only one available spot saved for Yibo, but Xiao Zhan just good-naturedly pulls up another stool.

“This is Xiao Zhan,” he mumbles though an introduction is not necessary.

“I am honoured to finally be introduced to all of you,” Xiao Zhan says amiably. He beams his friendly smile and gives a slight bow in greeting.

No one returns the gesture. Oh God, this is going to be worse than feared.

Finally, Yixuan breaks the silence with an awkward, “We should fetch another glass then.” They’ve already started on the pitcher of beer and there is just one glass left for Yibo.

“I’ll get it. Zhanzhan can have that one,” Yibo quickly offers, not wanting his boyfriend to feel left out. Then realizes what he’s just said when two of the four raise their eyebrows at him, and he flees.

When he gets back, things are a bit smoother. Wenhan is talking about something funny, judging by the chuckling. Xiao Zhan is genuinely smiling so it can’t be that bad.

His friends thankfully are not chilly or unwelcoming. Conversation is slightly stilted, but at least there is conversation, and his friends even directly ask for Xiao Zhan’s input a couple times so they’re not rudely shunning him.

When they finish their first pitcher, Sungjoo loudly declares, “Time for the next round! Yibo, your turn to buy.”

Yibo sees through the thin ploy for what it is: send him to the bar in order to separate him from Xiao Zhan. “I’ll pay for the next two rounds if Seungyoun goes to get it.”

Unexpectedly, Xiao Zhan speaks up, mild but firm. “Now, sweetheart, you should listen to your elders.” Like Yibo ever listens to Sungjoo. Yixuan, yes, but definitely not Sungjoo or Wenhan. “But I’ll pay since I have the honour of meeting everyone tonight.” Before Yibo knows it, Xiao Zhan is pressing his credit card into his hand and pushing him in the bar’s direction.

“Wait. I don’t want another beer. Since it’s the height of summer and we’re among friends, I’m feeling like a mojito,” Sungjoo declares. The rest of his friends shamelessly agree and request them too.

Yibo is pissed off they would take advantage of his boyfriend’s generosity and order fancy cocktails until Xiao Zhan says, “One for me too since we’re all friends. Take your time, sweetheart.” Then Yibo, fuming, realizes they’re trying to keep him occupied at the bar as long as possible waiting for cocktails to be made.

“Make sure the bartender muddles the mint nice and good, okay?” Sungjoo calls out behind him.

He places their order and discovers soon enough why his blasted friends picked mojitos on purpose. It must take a solid five minutes per drink even with the bartender’s clear deftness.

He bounces anxiously as he waits, worried about leaving Xiao Zhan alone at the mercy of his friends. He doesn’t think his friends would be outright hostile to Xiao Zhan, but he’s afraid they haven’t forgiven him yet for having an affair with Yibo and possibly stringing him along. Yibo has always made it clear to them that Xiao Zhan has never lied to him, though of course it’s understandable for them to question the scruples of someone willing to have affairs.

It takes forever before he marches back to their table and plops their tray down, uncaring that some alcohol slosh out. But it doesn’t look like he’s interrupting anything he shouldn’t. In fact, much to his relief, the earlier layer of tension seems to have eased, if not dissipated entirely. It feels like a different energy actually, enough to calm Yibo enough to inch his leg over and press against the length of Xiao Zhan’s under the table. His boyfriend squeezes his knee reassuringly.

They don’t stay late. They are the first to leave actually but his friends don’t make teasing remarks about hurrying home to bang.

“What did they say to you when I was gone?” Yibo asks, worried, as soon as they’re outside. “Did they bug you about when we were together before?”

“Not really. We talked about this and that. They asked about my current situation with Ah-Lu. Then Sungjoo shared details about his military service while Seungyoun elaborated on what Korean military training involves,” Xiao Zhan says drily. “Wenhan and Yixuan made some thinly veiled threats. I won’t tell you exactly what they said, but they made their point. It wasn’t anything I wasn’t already expecting anyway. Glad to get all of that out of the way.”

“I’m so sorry,” Yibo mumbles, mortified.

“Don’t be, sweetheart.” Xiao Zhan presses a kiss to his temple and nuzzles his hair. “They’re just taking care of you. I wanted a chance to say thank you to them too.”

“For what?”

“For having your best interests at heart and watching out for you, even when it’s from me. They care a lot about my boyfriend. So, I like them.”

***

Just because Xiao Zhan has met his friends doesn’t mean Yibo is ready to meet his. Xiao Zhan seems to have picked up on his reluctance because he doesn’t bring up Xuan Lu or their friends.

“Texting your ex-wife?” Yibo asks, sprawled naked on the bed in the afterglow, peering at Xiao Zhan on his phone beside him.

Xiao Zhan actually looks guilty when he lowers his phone. “Just rescheduling our coffee date to later today. That’s all.”

Yibo surprises even himself with what he says next. “Can I come?”

Xiao Zhan is stunned.

Yibo rolls his eyes. “What? Want a chance to gripe about me without me in the room?”

“No! I wouldn’t—”

“Just kidding! Never mind—”

“Yes! Come with me for coffee with Ah-Lu,” Xiao Zhan says quickly. “She’d love to meet you! And we don’t have to stay long if you feel uncomfortable. We can leave whenever you want—”

“Okay! I’ll come,” Yibo says to shut him up. With how ecstatic Xiao Zhan is, he probably should’ve done this earlier.

Which is why a couple hours later, he strolls into a trendy Western café with Xiao Zhan.

“Ah-Zhan! We’re here!” A lovely, sweet voice calls. They turn to see Xuan Lu waving at them, the man Yibo now knows is her boyfriend, Cao Yuchen, beside her at the table.

Yibo sees her break out into a big, warm smile when she sees him. With smiles like theirs, no wonder she and Xiao Zhan were such a suitable pair.

She practically ignores Xiao Zhan to beam at Yibo when they sit down.

“I’m so happy to finally be able to meet you!” she exclaims. “I’ve heard so much about you.”

At her genuine friendliness, Yibo feels stiff with shame that he used to be so jealous of her. “Um, I hope nothing bad,” he mumbles, not sure what to say.

“Of course not! In fact, Ah-Zhan would never forgive me if I told you some of the sappier things he’s said about you,” she says slyly as Xiao Zhan shoots her a betrayed look.

That Yibo can believe. His boyfriend is the biggest romantic sap in the world.

Throughout the afternoon, Xuan Lu is like a gracious queen bestowing her undivided attention on Yibo as if he’s the guest of the hour. Yibo feels awkward and embarrassed at her interest and niceness and inwardly panics when he suddenly finds himself alone with her when Yuchen steps away for a call and Xiao Zhan visits the washroom.

She seems to sense his discomfort and lays a delicate hand on his arm, saying magnanimously, “I really am excited to meet you. I want to tell you a secret. I’ve known Xiao Zhan for half my life, and I’ve never seen him so smitten with anyone the way he is with you.”

Yibo can feel his cheeks blush at the compliment. It’s kind of her to share.

“He loves you a lot, you know,” she tells him, smiling.

A while ago, Yibo wouldn’t have believed that. Now though, he feels the warmth and brightness of the truth envelop him.

“I know. I love him a lot too,” he replies honestly, returning her smile.

Later when they’ve said their goodbyes and are walking towards the subway station, Xiao Zhan is uncharacteristically quiet.

“What is it?” Yibo probes, sensing the tension.

Xiao Zhan looks a bit hesitant but says, “It’s not a big deal, but I’m going to Beijing for a couple days for work the week after next.”

Just when Yibo is about to ask, So?, he continues, “I’m supposed to come back on Friday, but I was thinking of returning on Sunday instead.”

Yibo gets where this is going. “You want me to come to Beijing for the weekend?” He doesn’t know why Xiao Zhan doesn’t just suggest it outright. They’re past being shy about taking weekend trips together, though Shanghai has got all that Beijing has to offer and more.

“Only if you’re not busy and want to get away for a few days,” Xiao Zhan says a little too cryptically.

“What is this really about?”

“Well, I was thinking instead of coming back directly, we can take the bullet train from Beijing to Luoyang…”

Yibo can’t stop the smirk at the indirect way Xiao Zhan is suggesting this. “You want to meet my family back home.”

“Only if you want to. No pressure!” Xiao Zhan says, but Yibo can tell he’s nervous.

Yibo can’t resist teasing him. “What if my parents don’t want to meet you? What if I told them before I was seeing a married man and they’d be horrified to find out I’m still with you?”

Xiao Zhan falters. “I am ready to show them I love you and would do anything for you.”

He answers with such resolve that Yibo gives up teasing. “Good thing they don’t know anything about you. I know Mama really wants to meet the man I love.”

Then Yibo makes out with his handsome, perfect boyfriend right there, not giving a damn if they’re putting on a disgusting public display of affection for everyone around to see.

Since Xiao Zhan came into his life, Yibo has come to know the feelings of love, want, anger, jealousy, and bitterness so intimately. It has taken a while because it’s been so scarce in his life until now, but Yibo is finally able to identify this warm, pleasant feeling he’s been experiencing of late: hope.