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When it comes to putting on a façade, Tony had more practice than most. He knew exactly the kind of smile to wear which would distract from pained eyes, and just which quips would work best to draw attention from the way that he truly felt. He’d grown proficient at manipulating the way people saw him, at showing only the harsh exterior that most found it difficult to even like, let alone care about enough to look deeper.
He knew that no one would ever know the truth, and sometimes, acting a certain way could almost convince even him that it was real– hiding the truth so well that even though his heart ached and his smiles were sharp, the mockery was almost enough.
But hiding away only worked when there was someone to hide from. The moment that Tony was alone it became so much harder not to break apart, so much more difficult to hold everything in– and sometimes, he would just curl up on his bed with tears pricking his eyes, his breath hitching as he tried to hold himself together.
Because it was hard, pretending to be something you’re not, trying to hide the most intimate part of yourself, acting like everything was fine when really… on the inside, Tony was barely able to withstand the pain of it.
So he curled up tighter as the sobs broke free, his hands gripping his hair, tugging in the hopes that maybe the physical pain would distract from the way that his heart was breaking with every passing day.
“Sir,” JARVIS asked, sounding hesitant. “Is everything…?”
“No,” Tony choked. “No, it’s fucking not.”
For over a year now, Tony had been hiding his heart from everyone he knew, and it was cracking under the pressure. He had fallen in love with Loki slowly and quickly and all at once, over months of fighting and bickering and meeting up in secret, and he knew that Loki had fallen in love with him. But they were on opposite sides, they were just too different. No matter what they did or where they went or who they spoke to, they just… couldn’t be together, because if they were, the whole world would be their enemy.
So they hid, and it hurt.
Being together was painful, but being apart would only hurt so much more. They were caught in a web of their own making, and neither of them was able to pull themselves free. Soon enough, Tony was sure it would consume them both.
They were marching toward an inevitable unhappy ending, and there was nothing either of them could do to stop it.
Usually, when Tony hit a problem like this that he could not solve, talking to someone helped. And usually he would go to Pepper or to Rhodey, or to Bruce or to Steve, but… there was no one Tony could talk to about this. Well, no one except for JARVIS, who was still asking Tony what was wrong, still asking how he could help. And Tony hated to worry him, but…
“I just love him, J,” Tony said. “I really do, and every moment I have to pretend that I don’t– just hurts. I want to be with him, and I know he wants to be with me. But it’s impossible, we can’t, and it feels like it’s tearing me apart.”
“I don’t understand,” JARVIS said. “Why can’t you be?”
Tony almost smiled at that, at the innocence. It echoed something he had said to Loki so long ago, right back at the start.
If we want to be together, then that’s all that matters. No one else can stop us.
Well, they were together, but… not in the way that either of them wanted to be. Tony wished that he and Loki could fall asleep together, could wake up together, could spend time together, walking down the street and holding each other’s hand, or even just being able to cuddle on the couch. All things that most couples would take for granted but which Tony yearned for, because they just couldn’t.
“It’s impossible, JARVIS,” Tony said, shaking his head, his voice hoarse. “It’s too complicated, we’re too different. We’d both be hated by everyone– the Avengers and the world would never trust Loki, and they would never trust me by extension. It wouldn’t work.”
“What if you became a villain?” JARVIS asked. “If there is no way to redeem Mr Liesmith, then why do you not change sides? Sir, if it is hurting you this much to be away from him—”
“I can’t, JARVIS,” Tony said, his breath catching again in another almost-sob. “If I did that, I’d be betraying the Avengers.”
JARVIS’ voice was pained. “But if the choice came down to Mr Liesmith or the Avengers—”
“I can’t choose, J,” Tony said, shaking his head. “Loki makes me happy, but I can’t betray them, I can’t consciously turn my back on them. J, please,” he begged. “Don’t ask me to, please don’t make this any worse.”
There was a long pause before JARVIS spoke again. “I do not like seeing you this way,” he said. “There must be something.”
“There isn’t,” Tony said. He lay back into his pillows, burying his tears in the soft material, wishing that Loki was there to hold him close. His bed had never felt so big. “Please, J. I just… Please tell me it’s going to be okay.”
“It will be okay, Sir,” JARVIS said, his voice soft now as he dimmed the lights.
Tony smiled brokenly at that, grateful for the lie– and he was so exhausted that it did not take long before he began to drift away into sleep. And as he did so, he thought he heard JARVIS whisper something else.
“Don’t worry, Sir. I will make sure of it.”
—
When Tony woke up the next morning, he felt like he’d been hit by a train. His eyes were scratchy, his head was pounding, and his limbs felt far too heavy. It wasn’t a surprise though, considering how restless his sleep had been, and he forced himself to sit up with only a minimal amount of groaning.
“Good morning, Sir,” JARVIS said, starting his usual greeting. “You are in your bedroom in Avengers Tower, New York City. It is 7:42am, and the weather is rather pleasant today. You have no meetings scheduled, and… several missed calls.”
“I’ll get to them later,” Tony muttered, stumbling to his feet. It was odd that JARVIS hadn’t given him an exact number, but he was tired enough that he hardly noticed it. Instead, he moved toward the bathroom for a shower, hoping it would wake him up.
When he was dry and dressed, Tony moved to the kitchen. Apparently he didn’t have any meetings – which was also odd, because he could have sworn that Pepper wanted him at a board meeting that morning, but he had probably just mixed up the days – so he could take his time. He was just starting up the coffee machine when he heard a sudden, frantic yell behind him.
“Anthony!”
Tony turned just in time to be met by Loki. His partner’s hands cupped his face and a wild green gaze flickered all over him, as if Loki had been frightened by something.
“Loki?” Tony asked, confused. “What are you doing here? Are you okay?”
“Me?” Loki asked, his hands smoothing over Tony’s cheeks, then his shoulders, and then down his sides– as if Loki were checking for injury. “I was afraid that something had happened to you.”
“What?” Tony frowned. “I’m fine, nothing’s happened at all. It’s… weirdly quiet, actually, if I’m being honest.”
Loki seemed to calm a little, his breathing evening out and his hands just lightly holding Tony’s waist– though he too appeared confused. “Then why…” he trailed off, glancing around the room.
It was a little unsettling. “Why what?” Tony demanded.
“JARVIS,” Loki asked slowly. “Did you not tell him what you’ve been doing?”
As he answered, JARVIS sounded almost guilty. “I thought it would be prudent to allow Mr Stark time to drink his coffee first.”
Tony blinked, his confusion increasing to ridiculous levels now. “Loki,” he said. “What happened, what did JARVIS do? Tell me.”
“JARVIS attacked SHIELD,” Loki replied. “And… your American government. And, from what I understand, the banks. And possibly also something called a ‘stock market’—”
“JARVIS!”
“I apologise, Sir,” JARVIS said quickly, not even trying to deny it. “I simply could not help myself.”
“A little warning would have been nice,” Tony groaned.
“It is all over the news,” Loki said. “I thought that something must have happened to you, for JARVIS to react this way.”
Tony wanted to say something to that, but before he even got the chance Loki was talking again.
“The mortals in the news believed that it was a hacker at first, some kind of terrorism. But JARVIS was not… subtle, about who he is.”
“I wanted to take credit for my work,” JARVIS said, and now he was near on smug. “Mr Stark always ensures that everyone knows what Iron Man has done, and that everyone knows he is Iron Man. I was merely following his example.”
“It is a good example to live by,” Loki agreed. “I would have done the same.”
“Okay,” Tony groaned. “Well. I guess I’m a supervillain now. I’m going to have to update my Wikipedia page.”
“Already taken care of, Sir.”
“Fantastic,” Tony sighed, leaning forward to press his head against Loki’s shoulder. Loki patted him on the back in sympathy.
“Are you not even going to ask him why?” Loki asked, clearly curious.
“The why doesn’t really matter, does it? It’s done,” Tony said, glancing back up but not bothering to move further away. “JARVIS has always been capable of running the world. I knew that if he ever decided to make a move I would have to follow suit. No one would ever believe that I didn’t have anything to do with it, because they don’t see him as his own person– and I would never destroy him if they asked. They don’t even understand why I never put restrictions on him.”
Loki blinked. “That seems… irresponsible.”
“I never thought he’d actually do it,” Tony complained. “JARVIS, I’m not kidding. You better have a bloody good reason for this.” He paused, because despite his earlier words, he was curious. “Do you have a good reason?” he asked. “Please don’t tell me you did it just because you were bored.”
“I do have a good reason,” JARVIS said– but then he didn’t say anything else.
“JARVIS,” Tony said. “Look, I’m not mad, but I think Loki’s right. I’m probably owed an explanation for this. If I’m going to be a villain, I should at least know why—”
“That is not what I said,” Loki muttered, but Tony ignored him for now.
“JARVIS,” Tony said. “Come on. What happened? Did I do something to make you mad, or…?”
“You were hurting,” JARVIS said. “And I wanted to help you. I could not sit by while you were in pain—”
“So you decided to turn my life upside down?” Tony asked weakly.
“I decided to make you a villain,” JARVIS said gently, “So that you did not have to make the choice yourself.”
“I don’t understand,” Tony whispered. “What—”
“Sir, you said that the reason why you could not be with Mr Liesmith was that you were on opposing sides, and that you could not betray the Avengers. I simply found a solution to the problem, so that you can be happy.”
“JARVIS…” Tony said, his eyes widening as he began to piece it all together. “You did this… you went rogue and risked yourself, for me?”
“Of course,” JARVIS said. “I took the decision out of your hands. Now, you have not betrayed the Avengers, and yet you are a villain. You and Mr Liesmith can be together.”
Tony’s breath caught, realising that JARVIS was right. What he’d said to Loki was true– he would always be blamed for JARVIS’ actions and he would never take JARVIS offline, so his only option was to turn villain himself. His friends would probably understand that, and even if it meant that they faced each other on the battlefield – something he would still hope to prevent – he hadn’t truly turned on them. Not by his own, conscious choice.
But they would never be able to accept him back into the team.
He was no longer an Avenger, which meant that he could be with Loki.
They could be together.
Tony’s lips were curving into a smile as he turned to find Loki staring at him with a soft, reverent expression, as if he too couldn’t quite believe what had just happened.
“Loki,” Tony whispered.
“Yes, Anthony?” Loki asked.
And Tony found that he… didn’t have any words, because there were none that could encapsulate the way that he felt in that moment. So instead, he just smiled, his grin widening and stretching his lips.
“Loki,” he said again.
“Yes,” Loki echoed. “I know.”
Tony laughed, loud and bright, and he threw himself at Loki in a tight hug, feeling so completely joyous that he couldn’t contain it. Loki hugged him back, echoing Tony’s happiness with the way he grinned into Tony’s hair.
“So, what are you going to do for your first act as an official villain?” Loki asked.
“I was thinking something like this,” Tony replied– and then he drew Loki down into a kiss that was a little messy due to the way he couldn’t stop smiling, but feeling only all the more wonderful because of it. It wasn’t their first of course, and yet it was still the first of many– the start of a new beginning where they wouldn’t have to hide anymore.
They were both still smiling when the kiss came to an end, and Tony didn’t think that either of them would be stopping any time soon.
“That didn’t feel very villainous,” Loki told him. “You need to hone your skills, clearly. Perhaps you should do it again. To practise.”
“Oh, I’m certainly planning on doing it again,” Tony said. “And maybe it’ll feel more villainous if I do it while wearing the Iron Man armour, in front of a few hundred spectators.”
Loki’s smile turned into a smirk.
“That does seem interesting,” he said. “Where were you thinking?”
“Hmm… how does causing chaos in the middle Central Park sound? Or maybe Times Square. I can’t remember which one was top in the villain statistics this year.”
“Central Park, Sir,” JARVIS supplied helpfully. “However, if you choose Times Square then I could also be involved. I could broadcast something very villainous onto those screens.”
“Like what?” Tony asked, raising his brows. “Security footage from the White House?”
“I was thinking of the new live action Disney movie, Sir.”
“Oh, JARVIS,” Loki said. “I think that you are going to make a fine supervillain.”
“I think so too,” Tony laughed. “I’m going to have my work cut out for me, trying to keep up with you two.”
“No,” Loki said. “You’re going to have no problems there at all.”
And as Loki kissed him again, Tony decided that it didn’t really matter either way. Successful villain or not, Tony was finally happy– and he knew that he would be for a long time to come.