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Closing for the night is one of the best parts of Katsuki’s day. He loves co-owning the izakaya with his husband and reaping the rewards after almost a year of pouring their blood, sweat, and tears into the place is ridiculously satisfying. Still, it’s fucking exhausting. People seem to forget human fucking decency whenever they’re faced with food service and the older he gets the less amenable he is to standing up for hours on end.
This late, it’s just him, Eijirou, and their hostess, Camie. Well, them and their shithead coworkers, who stay late under the guise of helping to clean up, even though it’s two in the morning and Katsuki is pretty sure they’re all just hoping for leftovers.
(So maybe he always has a few ready. That’s nobody’s business but his own and even he doesn’t enjoy thinking too much about it.)
“I can’t wait to go home,” Eijirou sighs, turning the last of the chairs up onto the tables.
There’s an uproar amongst the idiot parade.
“Boo!” Kaminari cries, tossing pieces of popcorn at him.
“No one wants to hear about your successful, married life, Kirishima,” Sero says.
“Ah, sorry guys,” Eijirou says, blushing lightly. “It’s just really nice to have alone time with my husband, you know? I know it’s not obvious, but he gets really cute and clingy when he’s sleepy–”
“Not obvious, he says,” Ashido groans. “Kiri, I love you, but I probably know more about your husband than my actual girlfriend.” She grins, tiredly. “When are we going to meet this mystery guy? You guys have been together for so long and we’ve never been on a double date!”
Katsuki, impressively, does not laugh at that. Eijirou does, because he’s adorably oblivious. His husband has entirely too much faith in the idiot parade and believes the “mystery man” joke is born out of their disbelief that Katsuki can be a good husband (which, fuck them, he’s nothing less than exceptional at everything he fucking does).
Somehow, none of their dumbasses have realized that he and Eijirou have been married for the past five years. Which is pretty fucking strange, when he thinks about it, because it means that, over the past two years as co-owners, Katsuki and Eijirou have never explicitly referred to each other as their husband. They don’t hug or kiss at work, but that’s more because of Katsuki’s own dislike of PDA and the fact that, usually, they’re too busy to partake in it anyway.
Given their lack of brain cells, they probably would have never even found out about Eijirou’s marital status if his husband didn’t talk about him constantly. It would be embarrassing, were it anyone else, but Eijirou isn’t anyone else. His husband never makes him feel anything less than utterly and incomparably loved, even if he’s divulging his late-night personalities to their dumb fucking coworkers.
They’re really fucking dumb. Katsuki had thought they were joking about the whole “mystery man” bullshit until he’d overheard Ashido and Sero whispering about it during the celebration of their first full year of business and realized that no, they really did all share one single brain cell with all the firing power of an empty water gun.
That night, Katsuki had started a little game out of dropping tiny hints in the same way that rich white men drop crumbs for the working class and call it a day– that is to say, rarely, and not without substantial hesitation.
“To our first year!” Eijirou says, raising his glass. “Cheers!”
The table echoes his bright enthusiasm, laughing and clinking glasses together.
“A whole fucking year,” Katsuki says, almost in disbelief. “We fucking did it.”
“Hell yeah, we did,” Eijirou crows, pulling him close. Katsuki settles against him, smiling softly. He knows the first five years of starting any business are fucking awful, but Eijirou makes every awful thing bearable. Every good thing better. It’s only been one year and Katsuki’s already ready for thirty more.
“You know, we never asked you guys,” Ashido starts, “but what made you start this bar together?”
There are so many answers Katsuki could give. It’s been our dream since forever. We wanted to make something long-lasting. What else would we do?
She looks so vested in his answer that he can’t help it.
“We just love each other,” Katsuki deadpans, looking Ashido in the eyes.
Eijirou, for his part, blushes and messily kisses Katsuki on the cheek. “Aww, bro!”
Ashido just pouts. “Fine, don’t tell me then!”
Katsuki smirks, inwardly. If his coworkers are going to insist on being this fucking oblivious, he might as well get some fun out of it.
“I think we’re done here, queens,” Camie announces, materializing from behind Katsuki, slinging an arm around his shoulder. Camie knows because she’s a total fucking airhead but she also has eyes and had noticed that the ring that Katsuki wears on a chain around his neck matches the one around Eijirou’s finger. She likes dropping hints too, only hers have a uniquely chaotic energy; all of Eijirou’s intensity without any of his innocence.
(A week after she’d found out about Katsuki’s game, she’d asked Eijirou to share his favourite things about his husband with the whole team. Eijirou had almost made Kaminari and Ashido cry. Camie still makes fun of Katsuki for almost walking into the door on his way out.)
“Home!” Eijirou cheers, smiling at Katsuki warmly.
Katsuki can’t stop himself from smiling back.
He isn’t able to stop any of the yawns that come on the train ride home, either, but Eijirou matches him for each one. Even so, the hypocrite doesn’t let that stop him from making fun of Katsuki until they’ve all but dropped into bed.
“Shut the fuck up,” Katsuki orders, shoving at Eijirou until he’s in the right place for Katsuki to crawl close and breathe him in.
Eijirou sighs so dramatically that it rivals Denki’s whenever they’re approaching their evening rush. “I really am just a pillow to you, aren’t I?”
“I don’t know why you’re surprised,” Katsuki mumbles, already drifting off. “I mentioned this in my fucking vows.”
“Yeah, you did,” Eijirou chuckles. He kisses Katsuki lightly on the forehead. “Goodnight, baby.”
Katsuki kisses his collarbone, too tired to reach any further. “Goodnight, Ei.”
The bar is closed on Mondays, so Katsuki has the small luxury of being at home when their workplace group chat starts blowing up Eijirou’s phone.
Katsuki has the fuckers muted. Eijirou, for some reason, thinks they need to be able to be reached at all times. Marriage, Katsuki thinks, really is all about compromise.
[Chat: sero’s mom cuts his hair]
mixologist
kirishima stop sending sexy pictures of ur breakfast when the rest of us are surviving off of microwave ramen and tears challenge
denki you don’t even drink
kirishima: i lo-
everyone else alive: yes, you love your husband, we know you love your husband so much, he's the light of your life, you love him so much, you just love your husband, we KNOW, you love your husband you fucking love your husband ok we know, we get it, YOU LOVE YOUR HUSBAND. WE GET IT.
number one dad
ashido i know you’re joking but i need you to know that you’re absolutely right and you should say it
denki you don’t even drink
DID I NOT JUST-
my mom does nOT cut my hair
ok but can we talk about how nicely that was plated like goddamn where did you find your man and does he have a sibling that likes guys with low iron
don’t disappoint me
horse teeth if you remembered your fucking iron pills instead of just crunching on our ice all the time this wouldn’t be an issue
mixologist
HORSE TEETHSKGDJSKG BAKUGOU MARRY ME
don’t disappoint me
miss me with that gay shit
sir this is a wendys
f in the chat for my homeskillet danki
mixologist
when u try ur best but u don’t succeed :((
denki you don’t even drink
k but seros right lmao bakugou didnt shit on the plating that’s how you know it’s good!!
omg kirishima it’s almost like you’re married to bakugou
number one dad
HAHAHAHA
you guys are actually the funniest im so glad we all work together
denki you don’t even drink
wait you’re actually so sweet
mixologist
dad :(((( we’re really glad we work with you too :((((
my mom does nOT cut my hair
kirishima be like “treats my employees with love and respect” noises
sir this is a wendys
ceo of a healthy work environment!!!
denki you don’t even drink
ok but you both always push us to do our best and we appreciate you both!! so much!!
you’re like our parents????
mixologist
you gave me and my shitty resume a chance when no one else would and ill never be able to thank you both enough for that
number one dad
just so you guys are aware
i know katsukis leaving you guys on read but his eyes are Really wet right now
don’t disappoint me
wow. look at all that photoshop.
After that, Katsuki realizes that he could probably tell Eijirou he loved him more than anyone and anything else in the world and the extras probably wouldn’t even notice. This is proven a few days later when Eijirou shows off their newly engraved rings.
He’d surprised Eijirou with the rings after a romantic dinner and a movie. Only, since their collective impulse control swings between Katsuki’s commitment to healthy eating and Ashido Mina after seven shots of tequila, one movie had turned into an all-nighter of vintage superhero movies.
Katsuki can’t find it in himself to regret it, even though his budding headache is begging him to. Not when he knows it’s part of why Eijirou is so infectiously happy today.
“Our five year anniversary is coming up,” his husband gushes, a happy flush setting his face aglow. “He got them both engraved as a surprise for me.”
“Onwards and upwards,” Ashido reads. She looks close to tearing up. “That’s so sweet.”
Eijirou smiles, something immeasurably fond in the curve of it. Katsuki can’t even pretend that he’s not looking. Luckily, everyone is too focused on Eijirou to call him out on it. Katsuki can’t blame them. His husband is the centre of his world, but he’s also magnetic to just about everyone he meets.
Camie looks dangerously close to moved. “It means something for you guys, right?”
“Yeah, he’s thoughtful like that,” Eijirou sniffles. “When we were in university, he had this insane workload, and whenever he was getting kind of stressed, I would remind him, you know? You keep going, you keep growing. And when I started competitively lifting, he would do the same for me, whenever I felt like I wasn’t moving fast enough or strong enough. Onwards and upwards. Always. It kind of became our thing, after a while, working on the bar and everything.” He beams, eyes shining. “Both of us used it in our wedding vows.”
“He must love you so much,” Camie says. She grins, smugly. “Don’t you think so, Bakugou?”
“Eijirou’s husband,” Bakugou says, smirking at his husband, “is a sappy loser.”
“Hey!” Eijirou laughs. “He’s my sappy loser.”
Sero’s looking at Bakugou strangely. “You don’t like Kirishima’s husband, Bakugou?”
Camie wheezes.
Katsuki sends up a silent prayer. It would be pretty fucking nice if you could give me the strength to move on past this, but I understand if even you don’t want to fucking touch this mess.
He deigns not to answer, checking the clock instead. One of their regulars, Aizawa, always shows up at around ten in the morning and the man refuses to orders anything other than a plate of tebasaki. Katsuki’s too tired to be operating a deep fryer this early in the morning but it’s also his fucking job and if he shows even one sign of being remotely tired, Eijirou wins.
“Aw, look at you prepping for Aizawa,” his asshole husband teases. The only things that slightly mollify Katsuki are the slight circles below Eijirou’s eyes. Apparently, his husband isn’t invincible in the face of all-night movie marathons either.
“Go…” Katsuki cuts himself off with a wide yawn, “fuck yourself.”
Camie leans against the counter, grinning widely. There’s something off about it. Though, all things considering, there’s always something off about Utsushimi “Satan put me on this earth to give you all a preview of purgatory” Camie.
“You’re looking pretty tired there, babe,” she says, winking over at Kaminari. “Guess someone didn’t get much sleep last night, huh?”
Too late, Katsuki recognizes Camie’s shit-eating grin for what it really is.
“Wait a minute!” Denki crows. “Oh my god, Bakugou, did someone have a one night stand?”
Katsuki snorts. “And what about it, asshole?”
“I can’t believe this,” Kaminari sobs, melodramatically throwing himself around Katsuki, unbothered by the fact that Katsuki is holding a heavy bottle of oil, fucking hell. “I raised you better than this! I can’t even bear to imagine it, my little boy, out there, by himself, on the streets –”
Eijirou’s choking on the other side of the bar. Katsuki smirks, slightly, wondering if this is going to be enough for the dumbass to realize that their dumbass coworkers aren’t actually kidding.
“Wait, Denki,” Ashido says, her eyes wide. “Look at him, he’s smiling! I think our Blasty’s smitten with his mystery lover!”
Fuck it. Camie’s not the only one who can have fun fucking with their dumbass colleagues.
“Whatever,” Katsuki says, aggressively filling the deep fryer with vegetable oil. “It’s not like I’m ever going to see the guy again.”
Ashido gasps. She and Kaminari look genuinely stricken by the prospect that Katsuki might be in love with some random hookup. Katsuki almost feels bad, knowing that they probably think he lives all alone, as opposed to in a warm apartment that holds signs of his life with his husband in every corner.
“But you want to, don’t you?” Camie’s grin is even sharper now. Fuck, she knows he’s having fun with this too. She’s not technically wrong. Katsuki wants Eijirou’s face to be the first thing he sees every morning and the last thing he sees as night. It’s disgustingly domestic… but it’s also true.
“Mina, look at his face,” Kaminari says, sounding almost awed.
Apparently, Tired Katsuki is much more emotionally transparent than regular Katsuki.
Ashido slams her hands down on the counter. “Don’t worry, Bakugou, we’ll help you guys get together! You deserve love, you know?”
Yes, Katsuki does know. Eijirou has multiple, brightly-coloured sticky notes on their bathroom mirror that remind him.
“Yeah, Katsuki.” Eijirou’s grinning over at them and it sounds like his husband has, at long last, finally caught on. “You never know, you and this mystery guy could be something really great together!”
Fucker. “You sound like I wanna fucking marry him.”
Camie’s eyes are gleaming at this point. “No one said anything about marriage.”
“Wow, Bakugou, you’re secretly a hopeless romantic aren’t you?”
“Maybe you can get some tips from Kirishima and his husband!” Ashido cheers. “We know you’re not the biggest fan of them, but they’re like the happiest couple we know!”
“They’re not that fucking happy,” Katsuki mutters, side-eyeing his traitorous husband.
“Beautiful couple, really.” Aizawa’s dry voice carries from his spot by the door. “Can I order, or are you all busy with something?”
“We always have time for you, Aizawa,” Camie coos, rushing to take his order.
“We’re coming back to this, though!” Ashido promises, pointedly. “Check our group chat, you heathen.”
Eijirou waits until they’re both distracted to snicker over Katsuki’s shoulder.
“So. They don’t know.”
“No,” Katsuki says, dropping the first pieces of chicken into the fryer. “Congrats on finding out.”
Eijirou swats at him. “Getting tired yet?”
“Go make Aizawa’s drink, you fucking slacker.”
“That’s not a no!”
[Chat: sero’s mom cuts his hair]
number one dad has sent a message
number one dad
look at what my husband made me for dinner!!
i told him our anniversary was one day and he said “why not an anniversary week” i-
my mom does nOT cut my hair
honestly if i were kirishimas moms i would sleep so good at night knowing my sons being treated like this
sir this is a wendys
kiri youre so freaking cute omg
also that kitty sitting in the chair is soo adorable i love her :((
mixologist
????????
wait
as a certified kitty identifier
denki you don’t even drink
not a thing but continue
mixologist
is that not?? little baby missy???
bakugou why is your cat at kirishimas
don’t disappoint me
co-parenting
sir this is a wendys
FKGJKGJSK
mixologist
sorry???? what????? huh?????
number one dad
okok so do you guys remember how katsuki found her all alone in that alley
don’t disappoint me
the little brat was all fucking shivering and cold and abandoned
and everytime we fed her she ate so fast it legitimately fucking scared me
and she got so sad every single time we would leave but so happy when we came back
she’d been alone for so long
she deserves us both being there for her
number one dad
so we co-parent!! because missy deserves as many people looking after her as possible
she’s our baby!!!
denki you don’t even drink
i think that was the most i’ve ever seen bakugou text
mixologist
its what!! missy!! deserves!!
don’t disappoint me
huh
perhaps kaminari deserves rights after all.
Eijirou looks up at him, grinning. “Kaminari deserves rights now, huh?”
Katsuki busies himself with petting Missy. “You literally called Missy our baby and this fucker still didn’t get it, so I’ll be rescinding his rights.”
“You know,” Eijirou says, thoughtfully, “I’ve talked about you every day for, like, the past year. We go home together and go in together and say “I love you” like a couple of times a week at least. And now everyone knows that we’re parenting a cat together. Honestly, the only thing left to do might be just telling them outright.”
“Little spoon rights say they won’t even get it then,” Katsuki bets.
Eijirou laughs, loud and bright. “You’re on!”
The next day is a slow one and Katsuki spends most of it experimenting with new recipes for otōshi. Kaminari’s ridiculously picky, but everyone else gladly taste-tests for him.
“Bro, this is so good,” Eijirou almost-moans. “What even is this?”
Katsuki feels the proud grin tugging at his lips. “Pickled avocado.”
“How do you even come up with this?” Sero groans. “Fuck, man, you definitely didn’t cook breakfast for your one night stand or he would have proposed on the spot.”
That… honestly isn’t too far off from their actual proposal story. Katsuki looks over at Eijirou and his husband’s eyes are sparkling in a way that suggests that he’s thinking the exact same thing.
“Speaking of,” Eijirou cuts in, “I just wanted to remind you guys that my husband and I aren’t going to be here this weekend. We’re going camping for our anniversary.”
“That’s so fucking cute,” Kaminari groans. “Do you ever get tired of being the blueprint for happy couples?”
“It’s a heavy burden,” Eijirou sighs, patting Kaminari on the head.
“Blueprint, my ass,” Katsuki laughs. “Hey, Eijirou, tell them where you’re going.”
His husband glares at him. “We’re camping by the lake.”
“And what do you refuse to do?”
Eijirou sighs, exasperated. “...Swim in the lake.”
“Wanna tell them why?”
“You’re the worst,” Eijirou huffs, somehow managing to pout around his avocado.
“Aww, no, tell us!” Ashido prods.
“You can’t leave a story unfinished, man,” Sero begs.
“Yeah, Eijirou,” Katsuki teases. “It’s unmanly.”
The beat drop is almost audible. Defeated, Eijirou mumbles something around another mouthful of avocado.
Katsuki’s really having too much fun, now. “What was that?”
“When I was a kid,” Eijirou sighs, “I was at the lake with my family and a snapping turtle washed up on the beach. And my uncle said that their beaks were strong enough to bite off a person’s foot– Katsuki can you shut up –” Katsuki’s already snickering. “Well, ever since then, I’ve had this phobia that… well… I’m gonna go swimming and I’m going to accidentally kick one of those guys in the face and they’re going to chomp my whole foot off.”
Eijirou frowns as they all laugh at him.
“This is why I didn’t want to tell you guys,” he says, mournfully.
“It’s just, it’s so funny,” Kaminari gasps. “You’re married and you have your life together and you could definitely bench press all of us–”
“But you live every day worrying about a turtle biting your foot off!” Sero howls.
“You’re all fired,” Eijirou groans. There’s a slight grin tugging at his face, though, and Katsuki knows his husband loves moments like this. Eijirou’s a sucker for anything that resembles what he calls “team bonding.”
“Anyway, that’s all I wanted to say,” Eijirou says, throwing his hands up. “We’re probably going to be off the grid so, if you need anything, ask Camie.”
Ashido slings an arm around Katsuki and ruffles his hair. “What, we can’t call you?”
Katsuki is ninety fucking percent sure he’s going to be little spoon tonight. “You weren’t fucking listening? Eijirou said we were gonna be off the grid.”
Eijirou freezes. A wide grin stretches across Camie’s face.
Ashido just looks at Katsuki like he’s the one that isn’t making sense here. “No, he said he and his husband were gonna be off the grid. You can’t piggyback off of his excuse!”
At least I get to be the little spoon while I have my seventh breakdown of the year.
“Oh no, you caught me,” Katsuki deadpans. “Guess I’ll have to unmute the group chat this weekend.”
“Incredible,” Eijirou breathes.
“It’s the eighth wonder of the world, really,” Camie agrees.
“Do you even have a ringtone?” Kaminari wonders. “Or does your phone just scream at you?”
“And you shitheads wonder why I have you muted,” Katsuki grumbles.
This really is a new low.
[Chat: i love you bitch]
i aint never gonna stop lovin u
o h m y g o d
bitch
can you fucking believe this
at this point we could literally renew our vows in front of them and they would be all “wow bakugou you can’t just piggyback off of kirishimas husband”
i aint never gonna stop lovin u
PIGGYBACKING OFF OF KIRISHIMAS HUSBAND
katsuki i was so close to laughing So Loud
bitch
yeah i know
you’re not fucking subtle
i aint never gonna stop lovin u
i thought i did pretty good :((
i still cant believe you made me tell them the turtle story
bitch
team bonding
i aint never gonna stop lovin u
the one time you actually care about team bonding-
bitch
do we need to pick up anything on the way home? or are we all good on packing
i aint never gonna stop lovin u
now who’s not subtle
lol i think we’re good tho
im so excited for this weekend tho!! it’s going to be so fun
bitch
me too
love you
i aint never gonna stop lovin u
^^username
“We’re done for today!” Eijirou whoops, flopping across Katsuki. “Anniversary weekend, here we come!”
“I’m so jealous,” Camie groans. “Someone set me up with a cute girl who’ll take me out on camping trips for our anniversary.”
“You don’t even like camping,” Katsuki points out. “Your girl would have to take you to one of those Airbnb’s in the mountains.”
“I should have snatched you up when I had the chance,” Camie complains. “A super hot guy who can cook, run his own business, and plan the best dates–”
Katsuki scowls at her. “I’m out of your league.”
“And he likes men!” Sero calls.
“And he’s stuck on his one night stand!” Ashido reminds them.
Eijirou tightens his arms around Katsuki’s waist. “You ready to go?”
“How are you jealous when they’re talking about you?” Katsuki murmurs.
“Oh, so you’re totally fine with them thinking my husband isn’t you?”
Katsuki doesn’t say anything. Eijirou snickers, victoriously, and starts pulling him towards the door. “Katsuki, we need to wake up so early tomorrow, let’s go .”
“Fine, fine.” Katsuki raises his voice, then, for the extras. “We’ll see you all on Tuesday. Break anything and I’m firing all of you.”
Sero frowns. “Wait, Bakugou, where are you going?”
Katsuki’s done. He drops into Eijirou’s shoulder with a heavy sigh, too tired to deal with people this fucking dumb this late at night. Really, he deserves a medal for putting up with them for this fucking long.
Eijirou laughs, fondly, and drops a light kiss on his forehead.
“Guys, I thought I already told you I was going away with my husband this weekend.”
They wait for an absurdly long time for the realization to dawn in the idiot parade’s eyes.
“Wait,” says Ashido, her eyes wide, “wait a fucking minute.”
Camie’s full-out cackling against the bar and Kaminari swings around to face her.
“You knew? Why didn’t you say anything?”
“They– Their rings match, broski,” she gasps, tears streaming from her eyes.
Katsuki begrudgingly pulls out his chain. Ashido’s jaw drops.
“Wait, you’re the super romantic husband? The one that makes Kirishima breakfast every morning? You engraved your rings with that super cute mantra?”
“Wait, fuck,” Sero says, his face growing pale. “Does that mean the one night stand we were teasing you about–”
“Kirishima, we’re so sorry!” Kaminari wails. “We didn’t mean to offend you!”
“What’s offensive is how fucking dumb you fuckers are,” Katsuki grumbles. “You’ve worked here two years now, what the fuck.”
Ashido is staring at him. “Bakugou, you’ve been married for five years?”
“Thanks for reminding me,” Katsuki says, pasting the widest, smuggest smile on his face. “My husband and I are going to go get eaten alive by snapping turtles. Don’t fucking call us.”
They leave the bar amid loud protests from the idiot parade. Katsuki doesn’t particularly feel guilty about it. They’ve had two whole years to bother him about his marriage, they can wait one fucking weekend.
“I’m going to have nightmares about those stupid turtles,” Eijirou whines. “And I need to actually sleep tonight.”
“Aww, don’t worry, Eijirou, I’ll protect your precious feet from the evil snapping turtles,” Katsuki says, mockingly.
“Katsuki, I need you to take this seriously,” Eijirou replies, his handsome face struggling to remain stoic and reserved.
A beat. They both break down laughing, most definitely disturbing anyone who made the mistake of leaving their windows open on a summer night.
Katsuki reaches out and squeezes Eijirou’s hand.
“If you carry me home I’ll drive the whole way tomorrow and you can sleep,” he offers.
“My hero,” Eijirou says, hoisting him up onto his back.
Katsuki peppers kisses on the crown of Eijirou’s head, nips at the base of his neck. It has his husband giggling loudly into the night, which only spurs Katsuki on. There’s nobody there to draw attention to the utterly besotted look on his face, for which he’s grateful. If his shitty coworkers could see his expression right now, they would have figured everything out in five minutes flat.
“Happy five years, Ei,” Katsuki says, softly.
“Happy five years, baby.”