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Tyler-Kennedy Strand is nervous. His leg won’t stop bouncing up and down and he just can’t help it when he absentmindedly starts chewing on his bottom lip. The kid’s always been fidgety, ever since he was a baby, but it gets ten times worse when he nervous.
To the casual observer, there is nothing to be nervous about. The day is winding down. People have started to leave the beach and the lines for rides are getting shorter and shorter. TK is sitting on a bench on the boardwalk, waiting for the sun to drop. Everything is fine, except there’s a tiny box that’s burning a hole through his pocket.
It’s his twenty-first birthday. Well, technically, it’s three days after his twenty-first, but this is the day he and his dad could celebrate together. Coney Island is their tradition, and has been ever since TK’s parents got divorced. Every birthday since thirteen, TK and his dad come spend the entire day on the beach. It might seem boring and repetitive to most, but TK loves it. He doubts he’ll ever stop.
He’s twenty-one and that means he’s legally allowed to drink. He’s twenty-one, but he’s not supposed to touch a drink again, so instead of a beer he’s got a coca-cola in his hand. He lets his dad drink in front of him, but when they’re celebrating TK’s birthday Owen doesn’t touch a drop.
TK fiddles with the chain around his neck. “I’ve uh… I’ve got something for you.”
“Isn’t it me supposed to be giving you something?” Owen laughs, taking another sip of his coke. He’s already given TK his present though, now Owen’s just teasing. “Seriously is it opposite day or something?”
TK just laughs, shaking his head. He knows his dad is being awkward on purpose, trying to calm him down. It’s working a little bit, but TK’s hand still shakes pulling the black box out of his pocket. “No, it’s… uh… well it’s an anniversary.”
The box isn’t all that big, a little smaller than the box for a ring. Owen takes it carefully, unsure as to where this is going. He gets his answer once he opens it, though. Sitting on the felt in front of Owen is a little coin with the roman numeral for 1 in the centre. Owen swallows the lump that’s formed in his throat.
TK runs a hand thew his hair and takes a shaky breath. “My sobriety chip. I got it a few days ago.”
Owen takes the bronze chip out of the box and runs his thumb over it gently. He smiles, looking over at his boy. “A year… God, TK, I am so proud of you.”
It had been a struggle to get TK to this point. He OD’d at seventeen and had to admit to his father that he’d been using opioids for the last eight months. Had to admit he’d started drinking at fifteen. They got him into an outpatient rehab program after the overdose, but TK had relapsed a few times. His last one was at twenty, hence the one-year chip at twenty-one.
Owen wraps his arms around his son, still clutching the chip tightly in his hand. TK practically melts into his father. It wasn’t enough to hear people at his meetings say it, he needed to hear that from his father.
When they pull away, TK doesn’t fail to notice that Owen’s eyes are glassy. His dad stares back down at the chip, turning it over in his hands a few times. TK has never seen this kind of pride on his father’s face, not even when he graduated the academy. This pride is new.
Owen tries to hand back the chip but TK stops him. “No, I’m giving it to you.”
“TK, honey, I can’t keep this. This is yours.” Owen shakes his head in disbelief. He remembers how bad it was for a while there, and he’s so, so proud of his son. “You earned this, bud. I can’t take it.”
TK refuses to let his dad give it back though. Yes, he did earn it by managing to stay sober for a year, but there’s a reason for that. He looks Owen in the eye. “Dad, I wouldn’t… I wouldn’t even be breathing if it weren’t for you, let alone sober. You are the reason I have that chip. You and your stubborn unwavering faith.”
“TK…”
“No, let me finish.” TK fidgets with his necklace again. “You sat on the floor of the bathroom with me while I went through withdrawal. You calmed me down as I sobbed and vomited. You drove me to meetings snd sent me to rehab. Then when I relapsed… when I relapsed you were the one who assured me it would be okay, and that I could beat it. I may have stayed sober for a year, but you’re the reason why.”
TK pauses. “I want you to have it.”
There is so much Owen wants to say to his son, but he’s scared to talk. His throat’s tight and he can feel the prick of tears behind his eyes. So Owen just nods, bringing the chip closer to himself and looking it over again. “Okay.”
“Okay.” TK leans his head onto his dad’s shoulder, and they just sit like that for a while. They sit like that until the sun goes down and the stars come out.
Both of them have apartments in Manhattan, but TK gets off at Broadway and Lafayette. Owen stops him right before he steps off the train. “Tyler… congratulations.”
It becomes a tradition. Every year on the anniversary of his sobriety, TK gives his dad the chip. Owen keeps every single one in an album that can be found in the drawer of his bedside table. With every chip, Owen’s pride and admiration for his son grow.
Xx
TK doesn’t really mingle after meetings, not like some other people do. Some people stay for hours, just talking about their lives. He stays for a little bit, talking to the people he knows and sometimes introducing himself to the people he doesn’t. Today he doesn’t stay at all.
He’s angry and embarrassed, and his knuckles whiten as he tightens his grip on the white chip in his hand. TK wasn’t trying to kill himself—it was more like he didn’t care what happened—but now he wishes his father had just let him die that morning.
Six years. Six years of sobriety and six bronze chips to show for it. All of his progress gone because of one stupid night. One stupid night on top of all the other nights when TK thought about how he wasn’t good enough. Sitting in that hospital room, he felt like he was seventeen again. He might’ve as well been seventeen again, now his level of progress was back to where it was back then.
TK would normally just take the subway, but Owen’s waiting for him outside with the car. Ever since the overdose, Owen hasn’t really let TK out of his sight. He makes TK leave doors cracked open when he goes to the bathroom and he watched him carefully whenever TK needs to use a knife. TK hasn’t shaved in a week.
If he’s being honest, TK’s glad his father is on him like white on rice. He’s glad, because now his body remembers what it’s like to have Oxy and it wants more. He wants more, and he doesn’t trust himself not to get it. With Owen watching him like this, there’s no way he’s sneaking out to get some.
“How was it?” Owen asks when he gets in the passenger seat. It’s the only thing Owen ever asks whenever TK’s finished a meeting. He never presses or wants to know what his son said, and TK is grateful for it.
“Ok.” TK isn’t being honest, but he knows Owen will drop it. In reality it was awful, having to tell these people that he slipped up after six years. Having to tell his sponsor that he was moving down to Austin. Having to be given the surrender chip he’s now clutching so tightly. It’s his fourth time receiving this chip, and TK hates himself for it.
The car ride is silent, and the quiet continues when they get home. Tk’s living with his dad until they move down to Austin, so for another few days. They’ve managed to make this move quickly.
Tk sits on the couch, still tightly clutching the chip. He doesn’t even notice it now, doesn’t register how white is hand is. Owen does though, and he sits down beside his son. “How’re you doing?”
“I’m fin—“ TK stops himself because he’s is the farthest from fine a person could be. He feels like such a fuck up. He promised his father he’d never have to go through that again, yet Owen still found his twenty-six year old unconscious on the floor. It’s his fourth Surrender chip in nine years. TK feels worthless, which isn’t uncommon lately, but this has just amplified that feeling.
“Am I broken?” His voice breaks on the question.
Owen shakes his head. “No. You’re not. You’re recovering. You’re trying.”
“If I was recovering I wouldn’t have gotten this stupid chip.” He finally releases his death grip on the coin, the number 24 branded into his palm. “It’s my fourth. I shouldn’t have four.”
“You are recovering and this chip proves it. Remember the first time you relapsed?” Owen feels bad about reminding his son of that, but he’s trying to prove a point. “It took you a month before you got sober again. The second time, it took you a few weeks. TK, you got this chip a few days late because you were in the hospital. It took you a day this time. One day.
“I know you’ve wanted to use again, I know. But you haven’t, bud. You haven’t. You’re recovering and your trying. And as long as you keep trying, I’m going to be here every step of the way.”
“Will you…” TK can’t finish, so he just hands the chip over to his father. “Thank you.”
Owen hugs him. “Always, Tyler.”
TK stays sober the next few days and they move to Austin. It’s hard at first, not to drink or hit somebody up for Oxys. TK will admit that there were some close calls. Some very close calls where his father found him sobbing over a bag of pills or at a bar with an untouched bottle in front of him. But he had stayed sober and he came out and admitted his problem to his team. To his boyfriend. And he stays sober.
Xx
“Daddy!” TK was not expecting the whirlwind that was his six year old daughter, but he welcomed it. It had only been a few hours since he last saw her, but it was a long few hours.
Owen smiled and waved his son over. “Look who finally showed up. How’d your meeting go?”
TK walked over to his dad and the rest of his family, his daughter in his arms. She was getting a lot bigger, but he had no problem lifting her. He was still a firefighter. “It was good. Where are my boys?”
Judd looked up from the barbecue. “Owen is no doubt being terrorized by Clara. Carlos is—
“Right here.” TK looked over to see his husband walking out of the house. He smiled despite himself, he always smiled whenever he saw Carlos. “Hey, Cariño.”
“Hey,” TK kisses his husband on the cheek. “How’s life?”
Carlos’ answer is interrupted by Lucy, who starts squirming. “Daddy, put me down.”
TK does, and Lucy runs off to go help her favourite person antagonize her brother. He’s happy he set her down though, because as soon as he’s back upright Carlos’ arms are wrapping around him. TK leans back into his husband as Carlos tucks his head on TK’s shoulder. “I’d say life is pretty good.”
“Yeah?”
Carlos nods against TK’s shoulder. “Yeah.”
“Alright, let’s keep it PG guys.” Marjan jokes, “There are kids here.”
TK just shakes his head at his crew, who are now deciding that they want to tease him for liking his husband. Normally he would just flip them off, but with all the little eyes and ears around it’s just not possible. Plus, Owen’s taken to imitating people and he does not need Carlos’ wrath for teaching their two year old how to flip someone the bird.
It’s a nice night, and TK is glad that his dad forced them to do monthly family barbecues. It’s fun to have the kids running around and playing while still having adult conversations. Nice to just get out of work and relax. TK loves it.
Later, it’s only him and his dad left outside. Everyone else has gone home. Carlos took Lucy inside to fix a scraped knee and Michelle turned in early because of an early shift. TK’s holding his son, who’s sleeping comfortably on his chest. If you had told him ten years ago that he’d be happily married with kids and living in Texas at the age of 36, TK would’ve had you committed.
His dad smiles, “You’ve got quite a thing here. Good husband, cute kids. Especially this little guy here.”
TK rolls his eyes, “You just think that because we named him Owen.”
“What,” he defends, “It’s a good name.”
“It’s your name, dad.”
“Exactly.”
Tk shifts carefully, making sure not to disturb the toddler on his chest. “I’ve got something for you.”
Owen knows what TK is going to pull out of his pocket, but his breath still catches when TK hands him the little bronze chip. HIs chest hurts when he sees the numeral in the centre, and Owen want to hug his son and never let go.
TK smiles, “Ten years.”
“I’m proud of you, kid. I am so, so, proud of you.” Owen knows he says it every time this happens, but his brain seems to short-circuit each time. He honestly can’t find the words, but he hopes TK knows all the emotion he’s trying to put behind these ones.
“I never thought I’d make it here…” TK admits. “Honestly, dad, I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for you.” He gestures to the sleeping boy on his chest, “I wouldn’t have any of this…Not Carlos, or the 126, or the kids… none of it.”
Owen really doesn’t think he’s done anything. Yes, he stood by TK and supported him as the kid got back on his feet, but it was TK that did all the heavy lifting. TK was the one who pulled himself up, Owen knows he just offered his son a hand. He’s about to say it. To tell TK that none of it is because of Owen, but because of himself. A coughing fit roughly interrupts his plans, and the world spins for a minute. Whatever moment they were having has just been ripped from the air.
“Dad…”
“I’m okay.” Owen assures once he’s stopped coughing up whatever’s left of his lungs. “I’m gonna be okay.”
They both know it’s a lie.
Xx
“Are you okay to do this?” Judd looks at him and TK recognizes the analyzing look. He doesn’t fail to notice the red around his friends eyes and he wonders briefly if his own look like that.
He nods. “I have to.”
So Judd just parks the car and lets TK get out. HIs head’s spinning and it hurst to breath. TK doesn’t think he’s wanted a hit more than right now. A hit or a good stiff drink. God, he could use a drink.
It’s these thoughts that made TK decide not to trust himself. His keys, wallet, and phone are safe with Carlos back at the house and TK knows that Judd is going to wait in the parking lot until he’s done. Giving his husband his keys was a no-brainer for TK, and he’d been doing it forever. He’d given up his phone because of the multitude of ride sharing apps he has on it. The wallet was something new, but TK was painfully aware that he wants Oxys or/and a drink enough that he’d walk all over town to find a dealer or a bar. Can’t buy drugs if you don’t have money.
Judd was more than kind enough to offer to drive TK so Carlos could be with their kids. God, their kids. TK feels so incredibly selfish because he knows he’s not the only one hurting. His kids are hurting, Michelle is hurting, even Judd is hurting… but TK’s the one they have to worry about. TK’s the one who’s a breath from falling apart.
He keeps quiet throughout the meeting, not wanting to talk. He lets other people talk, and fidgets with his necklace as he listens to their stories. TK knows if he spilled his story he’d get the biggest sympathies. He’d also be met with a lot of pride. Pride because he came here instead of a dealer. But TK doesn’t want their pride or praise. TK only wants one person to be proud of him right now.
He should be used to this already. Should be used to how much emotional pain physically hurts, but he’s not. He’s not and it knocks him on his ass every single time. His body feels like it’s being ripped in half, and TK has half a mind to just let it continue tearing.
He remembers a time, right after they had moved to Austin, where he just felt numb. He felt numb and the world felt grey and he would’ve done anything to feel something. To have any emotion scrape the surface. Now all TK wishes is for the grey to come back. To mute the colours he’s spent years making. You can’t feel pain if you’re numb.
The meeting ends before TK even realizes it. He’s having a hard time focusing on anything except the ache in his chest. He doesn’t even understand why his sponsor is walking over to him. Doesn’t know why he’s sparking up a conversation when TK looks seconds away from breaking. None of it registers until the cold metal hits his palm.
Judd’s not even waiting in the car anymore. He’s leaning against the wall with his arms crossed, looking exactly like the intimidating firefighter he is. But TK knows it’s just a demeanour, knows that his friend is really just a giant teddy bear. His point is proven when Judd throws his arms around him, letting TK muffle his sobs in his shoulder.
“Judd…”
Judd just holds him tighter. “I know. I know.”
TK tightens his grip on the thing that signifies eleven years sober. For the first time in his life, TK doesn’t know what to do with it. There’s no one to give it to. Not anymore.
Xx
TK had been back here countless times in the last four years. He had spent hours just sitting on the grass, talking. He had spent hours just sitting in the grass, silent. He had even spent a night laying on the grass just looking up at the stars. Today is different though. Today is a whole lot different.
“Hey, Owen, no. Not here bud.” Carlos’s scolding of their son pulls TK from his thoughts. Owen’s currently chasing his sister around, somehow managing to antagonize her even though he’s four years younger.
“Sorry, papa.” TK can’t help but smile at Owen’s somewhat unenthusiastic apology. He’s sure their boy is only really sorry he got caught.
Carlos grabs Owen by the shoulders and stops him form running around, “Guys, why don’t we give dad some time alone, yeah?”
Both kids nod and start to walk back towards the car, but TK stops them. He pulls them close, and smiles when they wrap their arms around him. “I love you guys.”
“Love you too, dad.” Lucy says, but it’s muffled by TK’s shirt. Owen doesn’t say anything, but he holds on for a second longer than his sister.
Carlos calls for them to be careful and hands Lucy the keys so she can get into the car. Both he and TK laugh watching their kids scramble in, like neither of them has heard of a separate door or just going one at a time.
“You okay?” Carlos rubs his hand up and down TK’s arm.
He nods. “Yeah… Thank you.”
“Of course, tiger.” Carlos smiles softly before giving TK’s shoulder a squeeze. “I’ll be in the car if you need me, yeah?”
TK nods and watches his husband walk over to their car, no doubt trying to wrangle their two kids into sitting in their seats.
“Hi, dad.”
It doesn’t happen that often, but whenever TK’s here by himself he feels alone. He knows he should feel closer to his dad here, but he doesn’t. The words on the tombstone under his name do nothing to replace the man that was Owen Strand, TK’s dad. But TK still tries; this is the closest he’ll ever get to his father again. It feels like a part of him is missing, and it hurts. Even after four years.
“I’ve uh… I’ve got something for you…” TK reaches into his pocket and pulls out his chip. He smiles briefly, looking down at it before back at the stone. "Fifteen years as of yesterday.”
There still is a part of himself that can’t comprehend it. A part of himself that thinks he shouldn’t even be breathing, let alone 15 years sober… but that part’s voice is barely a whisper now and has been for years.
“I should put it in the album, I guess.” TK picks up the small book they’ve propped up against the stone.
Judd found it the night the team had all agreed to help clean-out Owen’s house. He had been going through the bedside table and grabbed it, thinking it was just another photo album. He had called TK over to come take a look at it (they had been doing that for pictures and albums) but realized it wasn’t a photo album when they flipped it open. “Those are my AA chips” TK had said, looking like he was just beaned with a baseball. “He kept all of them…” And next to every single chip was a handwritten card on how proud Owen was and how happy he was for TK.
He wanted to keep his tradition with his dad alive, even if his dad wasn’t. So, Tk left the album in a ziplock bag (to protect it from rain) propped up against his dad’s headstone. Every time he got a new yearly chip, TK would go down to the cemetery and put int in the album and have a conversation with his dad.
TK puts the album back down against the grass. “I really struggled for a while after… I wanted a drink or a hit so badly. So badly…”
He pauses, trying very hard not to cry. “The team, and Carlos held me together… They looked out for me… you owe them a thank you…”
TK pulls out his phone and sends a quick text to Carlos, telling him to go home. TK’s sure he’s going to be a while. Today, he wants to stay and he sits down in the grass. “I’m not completely okay… but I’m trying dad.”
He sits there for a while in silence before jumping into a more lighthearted topic of conversation. He updates his dad on Michelle and how she’s doing through all of this. Let’s him know that she’ll be by to visit later. He talks about funny calls they’ve had and the new food fight Carlos had to deal with at their dinner table.
“I’m trying.”