Chapter Text
It’s funny, really, how having feelings for someone can hurt so bad.
Love is a tricky thing, and it can hit you like a truck and completely change everything you thought you knew about yourself. And to be honest? I really wish I avoided it. I’m in so deep I really can’t escape it. Running away did nothing. I want nothing more than to fix it, make up for that night. I can’t, though, as Nureyev refuses to talk about it. Which is going to make today rather awkward for both of us.
Buddy decided that we all need a “break,” so we’ve stopped on some colony with a name I couldn’t have been bothered to pay attention to. And, playing mother, as usual, she’s insisted on us using the “buddy system” (ironic, I know) to avoid someone getting into trouble. Vespa clung to Buddy, no surprise there. Rita and Jet headed off together almost immediately. Which leaves… me and Nureyev. I don’t know if they all planned this to get us to make up or something, but it probably won’t work. He hasn’t looked at me once and we’ve been walking around for hours.
“Juno, is there somewhere you would like to go? You’ve been charging ahead rather aimlessly, and we haven’t stopped once.” There was a slight edge to his voice as he spoke, assuring me that he was just as uncomfortable with the situation as I am. But at least he’s looking at me now. God, he hasn’t looked at me in so damn long. And his gaze is soften-
The moment we make eye contact he looks away. Of course, he looks away.
“I don’t know, maybe we could get a drink? I think we passed a bar a little bit ago- We could just turn around or something. Unless there’s something you wanna do?” I really hope there isn’t, I could use a little buzz right now.
And even before I’m finished asking, he’s laughing. It’s a cold, short, empty laugh, a laugh that makes my heart sink a little. “Something I want to do? How considerate. No, the bar is fine. You can get your drink.” Without looking at me again, he turns on his heel and heads towards the bar, head held high, face devoid of any emotion.
It makes me want to yell. Not necessarily at him, but just in general. Of course, Buddy would probably lecture me endlessly if I caused a scene, so I won’t.
It also makes me wish I could turn it off as easily as he can. Instead, I’m following him to the bar, the frustration clearly written on my face. I don’t even need to see it- I can feel it.
The bar is pretty packed, which makes sense, as it’s early evening at the end of the week. I manage to find us a small table towards the back though, just two chairs. Which means we’re essentially alone; just the two of us, and the vodka I bought. Despite the rather loud bar atmosphere, it feels too quiet. I wanted a drink to get out of my head for a while, but I’m not sure this is helping. It certainly doesn’t help that he’s just watching me. Watching me with cold eyes, betraying absolutely nothing. And I hate it. I want back the Peter from that night.
“What night, Juno? I haven’t the faintest idea what you’re talking about.” He scoffed softly, and I feel a wave of terror wash over me as I realize that I’d said that out loud. But in a second, that terror was replaced by more frustration.
“Are you really just going to go through life ignoring it? Pretending that it didn’t happen?” I snapped at him, unable to control the words as they left my mouth. “Because honestly, I can’t do that. I’ve been trying, y’know? I really have been. Figured it might help to give you some space since I joined up on the Carte Blanche, but this is getting ridiculous! You won’t even look at me. Look at me, dammit!” At that, he flinched a little. He actually flinched, his composure wavering for just a second. And I almost apologized. But of course, he got it all back together, really quick, pushing back his chair and standing up.
“I think we should head back.”
That was it? That was all he had to say? You’ve got to be kidding me. “I- Really? Actually- Fine.” I stood up, knocking my chair back, wobbling a little. I may have drunk more than I should have. “Let’s head back.” I walked out of the bar at that, pushing past other people. I really shouldn’t have drunk as much as I did, because the moment I got out of the door, I tripped, falling flat on my face. Rolling over, I find Nureyev standing over top of me, looking slightly worried. I think it’s the most emotion he’s shown all night, but it’s far from comforting.
“Are you alright? Do you need help up?” He holds out his hand for me to grab, slender fingers outstretched. Grabbing his hand would make sense, it’d be the right thing to do. But I don’t. I push myself up, brushing his hand away as I stood. I would move to leave again, continue storming away… but he’s looking at me. Actually, really looking at me this time. “Juno…” God the way he says my name makes me want to kiss him. Makes me wish he would kiss me- He is looking at my lips. But not now. It- It doesn’t feel right? So I just shake my head a little and look away.
“Can we just talk? When we’re back?” Looking back at him, I smile slightly. “Please?” Nureyev nods and swallows thickly, even more peeking through his cold, emotionless mask. I think it’s just a little anxiety, but I’m not completely sure. It’s hard to tell. But as we turn back and walk towards the Carte Blanche, we’re a lot closer together than we were before, and the heat rolling off of him provides a little dampener for the cold winds blowing through the streets.
Back at the Carte Blanche, I find myself seated on my bed next to Nureyev. We’re both completely silent, as I don’t know what to say. And I assume he doesn’t either, as he’s just picking at his cuticles and sneaking glances at me every few seconds. Clearing my throat, I turn towards him a little. “We said we would talk, so that’s what we’re going to do. I suppose I should start off by officially apologizing for… for leaving. I shouldn’t have just left. It was a fucked thing to do.” He laughed a little, the same cold, empty laugh from earlier.
“That’s certainly one way to put it.” Nureyev looked over at me, head tilted to the side as he stared. “I’m not entirely sure I accept your apology yet, though, no matter how much I appreciate it.” I opened my mouth to say something, but closed it again, chewing on my lip. I should explain myself, explain why I left. But even now, I’m not entirely sure what to say about it.
“It’s just hard for me to, y’know, believe that someone would actually want to run away with me or something. That someone would actually feel the way about me you said you did. It’s also scary that that’s even a possibility because frankly, I don’t know how to be in a relationship. I’m-”
“You’re an extremely attractive person with commitment issues and the emotional intelligence of a teaspoon, yes. That’s actually quite a relief, as strange as that sounds.” He rubbed the back of his neck before briefing pinching the bridge of his nose. “I had worried that it was something else. No matter how much I tried to push those worries away, the always managed to worm their way into my mind. Not that they’re in any way important now.” With a sigh, he pushed himself up off my bed, standing to face me. “Now, if we’re done, I’d like to go take a bath. That bar you dragged us into smelled rather foul, and I’d rather not carry the smell with me longer than I have to.” The chill had returned to his voice, and it left me feeling almost as angry as I did in the bar. It’s been so long now, you’d have thought he’d be able to talk it out.
“Fine. Just file away your feelings and refuse to heal. I hope you enjoy your bath.” Flopping back on my bed, I stared at the wall and listened to his heels click against the floor as he walked away, the sound getting fainter and fainter.
Should I even be as angry as I am? Is that even fair? I obviously hurt him… But that doesn’t give him the right to be a cold bastard when I’m trying to fix things! He’s going to have to face it at some point.
Right?