Archive of Our Own ^beta

“Hey!” shouted Patsy indignantly at the computer screen, “That’s not nice!”

She scrolled a few comments down.

“That’s really not nice!”

“Pats,” sighed Jen as she walked into the home office, “What are you doing?”

“I’m trying to get this video taken down,” she said, “You wouldn’t believe some of the nasty comments people are making!”

Jen frowned. Patsy had had a miserable couple of months. First she lost her home and all her money,* then her boyfriend dumped her on national television,* then she became a superhero only to be publicly outed and humiliated.** She even received an additional beating at the hands of the mind-controlled Avengers.*** Almost all of it had gone viral, so Jen understood why Patsy wanted it taken down. Still, constantly exposing herself to the same upsetting imagery was certainly taking a toll on her.

“Hey,” said Jen gently, pulling Patsy’s chair away from the desk, “I’m the lawyer here, remember? Let me handle it.”

“It’s not your fight,” said Patsy, “I need to be able to stand up for myself.”

“You have been standing up for yourself,” assured Jen.

“It doesn’t feel like I’m doing much,” she sighed, “What have I even accomplished as Hellcat?”

“You stopped Karla Sofen,” pointed out Jen, “Even I couldn’t catch her. You even stopped her from using that Moonstone to hurt anyone.”

“I guess…”

Jen considered for a moment.

“Here’s what we’re going to do,” she said, “You’re going to log off of that computer. I’m going to work on a cease and desist. You can help. But tomorrow, we’re taking a holiday.”

“A holiday?”

“A day off,” said Jen, “a mental health day. We’ll dedicate the whole day to treating ourselves as well as we possibly can.”

“That seems like the kind of thing Hedy would have done…” said Patsy quietly, “I think I’ve been spoiled enough.”

“For the love of-!” exclaimed Jen in frustration, “It’s not spoiling, Patsy! It’s just being kind to yourself!”

“I don’t know…”

“You goddamn deserve this,” said Jen firmly, “Don’t try to argue with me about it.”

“Alright,” conceded Patsy, “Let’s take care of that cease and desist first.”

“Attagirl.”

***

“This is a quaint little place…” commented Jen as they walked into the restaurant.

“Isn’t it?” smiled Patsy, “It’s my favorite. Hedy and Buzz never wanted to go. They thought it was, uh, trashy.”

“I think that’s rich people talk for locally owned,” said Jen, looking around.

The small restaurant had a certain charm to it. There were only a dozen or so tables and even fewer patrons. A lone waiter seemed to make up the entire service staff, but he didn’t seem particularly overworked. The smell of fresh baked bread and pastries wafted through the air, complemented by hints of fresh fruit and breakfast meats.

Jen and Patsy had dressed down for the day. Jen wore black stretch pants and a loose purple T-shirt with gym shoes. Patsy combined comfort and style with a pair of navy blue leggings under a yellow tunic synched with a belt. She also wore matching yellow flats and a navy blue headband.

“Patsy,” smiled the waiter as he passed the two, “It’s been a while!”

“Hi Jeremy,” smiled Patsy back, “Table for two available?”

“Sure is,” he said, nodding to one of the tables as he carried his tray of food to the customers.

Jen and Patsy grabbed a seat. Minutes later Jeremy had brought them water, a pot of coffee, and biscuits to get started. The two ladies had only just started looking over the menu when Jen noticed Patsy looking unnerved.

“What’s eating you, Pats?”

“Um,” asked Patsy nervously, “I’m not sure what’s an acceptable amount to order…”

“Oh,” chuckled Jen, “Order anything you want. This is our day off, remember?”

“But the price-”

“Oh don’t worry about it,” dismissed Jen, “Nothing here is expensive. And I might not be as rich as you used to be, but I’m not hard up for cash. Get whatever you want. For my sake if nothing else.”

“Okay…” agreed Patsy tentatively.

“Let’s start with the bottomless mimosas,” suggested Jen.

“This early?” asked Patsy anxiously.

“We’re not driving,” shrugged Jen, “just make sure to drink plenty of water so you’re not hungover for the rest of the day.”

So they ordered the bottomless mimosas. They ordered that and a great deal more. When the food was finally all served their table was positively adorned with fine smelling and divine looking foods. They ranged from fluffy omelettes with mixed greens to bowls of sweet, juicy fruit to waffles heaped with syrup and cream. Hash browns, bacon, sausages, and toast rounded out the feast.

The two women gleefully dug in. They laughed and told stories between bites and sips. The champagne in the mimosas relaxed Patsy, lowering her inhibitions of appearances. Soon she was shoveling the delicious food into her mouth with delight. Jen smiled at the sight. It was exactly what she had hoped to accomplish. She sipped her coffee in satisfaction.

“It really is her!” they heard someone say.

“No way!” whispered someone else, “Then who’s that with her?”

“Oh no,” realized Patsy, spotting the whispering duo at the door, “Paparazzi. Someone must have seen me here and posted about it.”

It had been a while since Patsy had been seen in public. She already held a celebrity status on account of Hedy’s reality show, but she had become a national phenomenon with her failure as Hellcat. She had been avoiding being seen since then, but it was only inevitable that on her first real trip out she’d be spotted.

“Then it’s a good thing we’re done here,” said Jen, signing the check, “Let’s get going.”

“Going where?”

“You like rollercoasters, right?”

***

“Argh!” spat Herman, sputtering as water blasted into his face.

Herman Shultz fumbled with the broken faucet, shoving the detached nob back on and trying to hold back the constant stream of water blasting into his face. After a great deal of effort, he managed to shove the handle back in and turn it, stopping the neverending flow and leaving Herman dripping wet.

“I fucking hate this place,” he grumbled.

“Well if you know anywhere else that’ll have us without any personal information or background checks,” said Quentin Beck, “I’m all ears.”

“What are we even doing here!?” shouted Herman, “I didn’t break out of prison just to end up in this shithole!”

“You didn’t break out of prison,” corrected Quentin, “You were broken out.”

“Same difference!”

“I just don’t want you getting into your head that you can escape from custody again,” said Quentin, “Because you can’t.”

Queintin and Herman had both been prisoners of the Raft after their apprehension and the hands of Squirrel Girl.* They would have remained there, except that Francine Fyre snuck onboard and shut off the power. Spider-Man had shown up to quell the rioting and the Avengers later rounded up most of the prisoners, but Quentin and Herman had both managed to escape in the confusion.**

“My point,” continued Herman angrily, “is that if this is my life, I might as well still be in prison!”

“Speak for yourself,” muttered Quentin, changing the channel, “The Raft doesn’t have TV.”

“Hey, I don’t want to get caught anymore than you do,” said Herman, “I just don’t want to be a nobody neither! There’s got to be an easy job for us to pull!”

“Because that worked out so well for us last time,” grumbled Quentin.

“This is a different city!” said Herman, “A different coast! Surely we can find an easy job to pull here.”

“No one will give us any jobs!” exclaimed Quentin, “We’re failures! We lost to Squirrel Girl for crying out loud! SQUIRREL GIRL!”

“So we just have to boost our rep,” said Herman, “Take down somebody big.”

“You mean She-Hulk?” scoffed Quentin.

The two of them were hiding out in an apartment outside of Los Angeles, where She-Hulk was the major vigilante to look out for.

“Someone less big,” said Herman, wincing at the thought of fighting She-Hulk, “Maybe even someone small.”

“Actually,” realized Quentin, turning off the TV and pulling out his phone, “You might be onto something.”

“What do you mean?”

“She-Hulk isn’t the only vigilante in the area,” said Quentin, “Do you recall Patsy Walker?”

“That loser reality star who became a loser hero?” said Herman, “Yeah, why?”

“She’s been spotted in public for the first time in a while,” said Quentin.

“Taking down her won’t help our rep!”

“We have to start somewhere, Herman.”

“...fine,” conceded Herman, “How do you want to go about it?”

“We have a number of options,” smiled Quentin, “After all, there’s more than one way... to skin this Hellcat!”

“I hate you.”

***

“Wow!” gasped Patsy with delight, “We can really go on that thing!?”

Patsy and Jen were standing at the center of a small plaza surrounded by food stands and carnival games. Laughter rang out through the air as families, happy couples, and groups of friends milled about. In the distance, the sound of joyous screams accompanied the clicking and rumbling of rollercoasters. Patsy was staring at the tallest coaster, eyes wide with amazement.

“You’re telling me you never came here with Hedy and them?” asked Jen.

“Oh of course,” said Patsy, “Plenty of times, but I was always in charge of watching everyone’s things.”

“They never let you go on the rides with them?”

“Yeah…” sighed Patsy quietly, “I didn’t think much of it at the time.”

“Well today we can do whatever you want,” announced Jen, placing a reassuring hand on Patsy’s shoulder.

“Let’s go!” cheered Patsy, running up to the line for the Crimson Rocket roller coaster.

Jen smiled and walked after Patsy, joining her in line. As they both entered the cue, two figures watched them quietly from the distance. Quentin slowly lowered the newspaper from in front of his face and narrowed his eyes at the women.

“You know nobody reads newspapers like that anymore, right?” snarked Herman, “You look like an idiot.”

“It worked, didn’t it!?” cried Quentin, “We found them!”

“Yeah,” scoffed Herman, “All because of your newspaper disguise.”

“Enough!” shouted Quentin, attracting the attention of a few nearby park attendees.

Herman and Quentin both looked around uncomfortably and walked off behind one of the food stands. Once they were sure they weren’t being watched, they continued to sneak until they made their way past a fence and into the maintenance area of the Crimson Rocket. Quentin opened his jacket and unfolded what appeared to be a circuit board and placed it on the ground.

“You’re sure this will work?” asked Herman.

“Of course,” said Quentin, almost insulted, “The signal sent out by this device will completely distort any electronics, including the controls for the ride.”

“And once it crashes with the kitty cat onboard,” grinned Herman, “We’ll take the credit for her defeat! Everyone will learn to fear Shocker and Mysterio!”

“Hey!” shouted someone, “Did you hear that?”

“Idiot,” sighed Quentin, glaring at Herman.

Two security guards walked around the corner, each with a hand on their tasers on their belts. They both eyed Herman, Quentin, and the strange device Quentin was operating.

“Easy there, gentlemen,” said Quentin cautiously, “We’re contractors. Didn’t you get the notice?”

“The notice?” asked one of the guards.

“Yes,” said Quentin, “We’re just running a routine test on-”

“EAT SHOCKWAVES, PUNKS!”

Herman gripped the metal gauntlets under his sleeves and directed them at the guards. The cushioned armor he was wearing under his clothes softened the vibrations as his gauntlet generated energy before blasting away both of the guards in a huge burst of air.

“You imbecile!” shouted Quentin.

“They weren’t buying it,” said Herman, “I made a judgment call.”

“YOU JUDGMENT IS AWFUL!”

“Let’s just get out of here before the others show up!” said Herman.

Quentin grumbled angrily to himself as he gathered up his device and rushed after Herman as they both fled the scene.

Meanwhile, the Crimson Rocket pulled into the station as Patsy and Jen finished their ride. Patsy was positively giggling as she lifted the harness off and stumbled out of the car. Jen smiled at the sight of the now messy-haired Patsy walking off her dizziness.

“That was amazing!” cheered Patsy, “I can’t believe that’s what I was missing out on! Can we go again?”

“Tell you what,” said Jen, “You can go again. I’ll grab us some funnel cakes and meet you at the exit.”

“Funnel cakes? Are those any good?” asked Patsy, “Hedy always said they were trashy poor people food.”

“I can’t believe this needs to be said,” sighed Jen, “but Hedy is a snobby bitch, Pats.”

“Yeah,” chuckled Patsy, “She is.”

***

Patsy sighed with relief as two firm hands used a soft cloth to gently rub the milky body scrub into her shoulders and worked their way down her back. She felt the warm substance cool off as the pores in her skin opened up to the air.

Patsy was lying face down on a massage table in nothing but her white briefs with Jen on the next table over in her purple shorts. Each had their own masseuse applying their full body massages. They had gone straight from the amusement park to the spa, where Jen had promptly signed them both up for full service treatment.

Patsy let out a squeak of fear as the masseuse grabbed a hold of the leg holes of her underwear and pulled them upwards. Her tension lessened as she felt her buttcheeks firmly massaged as well. She realized that it wasn’t a painful wedgie, so much as a way to expose her buttcheeks for the massage. She heard Jen chuckle at her expense.

“Something wrong?” asked the masseuse.

“Nothing,” said Patsy, “It’s just usually when people grab my undies, it doesn’t feel so nice.”

Next both ladies were rubbed down with aromatic oils. Patsy let out another sigh of relief as the pleasant smells further relaxed her muscles, making her feel softer and softer as the hands pressed down and loosened her tightened knots.

Once the massages were over, they were both rolled over onto their backs so that their facial masks could be applied. As the cool substance set in, their hair was draped into a washing basin where they were gently shampooed and conditioned, further reducing tension as their scalps came away feeling clean and fresh. Patsy had never felt so relaxed.

It didn’t end there, either. They were then moved to chairs, where they were both set up for manicure-pedicures. As the gels were applied to their carefully painted and filed nails, their arms and feet were firmly massaged even further. Patsy smiled with pleasure as she felt herself practically melt into the chair.

Once that was complete, they were led to the sauna rooms. They chose the oak room, where the wooden floor was hot to the touch, just shy of being painful. They both gently lowered themselves to the ground and lay their bare backs against the hot wooden floor, feeling their muscles loosen even further from the hot, tingling sensation.

“Jen…” moaned Patsy quietly, “This was an amazing idea…”

“You’re welcome.”

“How much did all this cost?”

“Sh.”

“You didn’t have to-”

“But I wanted to,” said Jen, “You’re my friend, Patsy. You’re a good person and you deserve this. Deal with it.”

Patsy chuckled and let out a long breath as she felt the hot floor across the entire back of her body and limbs.

Everyone in the room screamed as the wooden wall burst into splinters, sending a rush of cold air into the hot room. Everyone scrambled for their towels and covered themselves, Patsy clutching both of her nipples to hide them from the intruders. Two figures marched in, one in padded armor and another in a cape.

“Here kitty, kitty, kitty…” sang Shocker.

“Prepare to meet your end at the hands of the Great Mysterio!”

“...are you wearing a fishbowl on your head?” asked Patsy after a moment.

“It’s a mysterious and intriguing helmet!” yelled Mysterio indignantly.

“This is the end of the line for you,” announced Shocker, “We’re about to put an end to your superhero career… permanently!”

Flames began to erupt from Patsy as she started summoning her suit. The flames dissipated as an enormous green hand raised to her to signal her to stop. Both Shocker and Mysterio stared in terror as the emerald giantess emerged from a cloud of steam. Dressed only in her purple shorts, every bulging muscle on She-Hulk’s body was plainly visible. She stood with her hands on her hips, making no attempt to cover her chest.

“Don’t bother yourself with them, Pats,” said She-Hulk, cracking her knuckles, “These boys are all mine.”

“SHE-HULK!?!” cried Shocker, “FUCKNG SHE-HULK!?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!”

“Well,” said Mysterio, his arms dropping limpy to his side in defeat, “Poo.”

She-Hulk kneed Shocker in the chest and sent him flying back across the entire spa and into a wall on the far side of the room, where he lodged butt first into the wall.

“..at least…” he muttered weakly, “...it wasn’t… my balls this time…”

She-Hulk grabbed the back of Mysterio’s cape and yanked it down over his face. Then she spun him around and grabbed the cape from between his legs and yanked it up, tightening the cloth over his head and wedging it up firmly between his legs. She yanked again even harder, forcing Mysterio to flip forward and slam face first into the floor, lying there unconscious in his broken fishbowl helmet.

“That…” smiled Patsy, “...was amazing.”

“Please,” grinned She-Hulk back, “Spider-Man’s amazing. I prefer savage.”

***

Patsy sat cheerily on the couch as she munched on her popcorn, staring at the DVD menu with delight. Jen had said they could watch all her favorite movies tonight. Patsy felt weird about it at first, but once Jen got Patsy talking about why she liked the movies she was overjoyed at the thought of showing them to Jen.

Patsy was currently waiting for Jen to get back with more snacks. They had already prepared popcorn and drinks, but Jen insisted there was something else. She had been getting it for some time now. Patsy wondered what was taking so long.

“Here we are!” announced Jen as she entered the room.

Patsy looked over and her face lit up. In Jen’s hands she held an enormous glass bowl filled with at least a dozen different scoops of ice creams of varying flavors, twice as many chocolate bars sticking out of them, a positively criminal amount of whipped cream, and a beautiful array of sprinkles.

“I knew I could never match you at baking,” said Jen, “So I figured I’d go all in on a sundae!”

“That looks amazing!” squealed Patsy happily.

“Start up the movie,” said Jen, gently placing the sundae down next to the popcorn and handing Patsy a spoon, “and let’s dig in!”

Patsy ate until she was stuffed that night, sweet tooth more than satisfied with the mound of ice cream she consumed. They watched three of her all time favorite movies, laughing and sharing jokes the whole time.

When they were done Patsy took a quick shower, changed into her comfiest PJs, and went to sleep all curled up in the blankets. Jen peeked into the room and smiled at Patsy as she gently drifted off to sleep.

“Good,” whispered Jen, “Remember this feeling, Pats. You’ve earned it.”

Patsy did. The pleasant memories of the day accompanied her in her dreams and carried her off to a good night’s rest.

***

She-Hulk and Hellcat's adventures continue in She-Hulk & Hellcat: Black is Back